Busy Busy

It's 9:30 and I'm in bed. It will probably take me less than 5 minutes to fall asleep. I'm worn out. I'm sure the crying yesterday didn't help (or today's tears that also fell freely).

My morning started with a 5 AM phone call to tell me that we only had 7 patients so they definitely didn't need me as an "extra" nurse. So, I ended up with 3 days off in a row which was nice...unfortunately, they were jam-packed full! I set my alarm for 6:30 so I could tell the teen on her way to school that I was off in case she wanted to come over after school. Then, I re-set my alarm for 7:30 so then at 8:00, I texted her mom to tell her that I could bring her to her meeting at school if she wanted. She said I could pick her up at 9:30.

Then, I started a tweet fest about Educational Surrogacy versus Power of Attorney (or Legal Guardianship). Unfortunately, I never could find good information online, so will have to find an actual person who will talk to me (since the GAL never returned my calls or emails when I was trying to get information on Power of Attorney weeks ago). 

Her mom let me know that she almost forgot she had court, so asked me to pick her up at the court house at 9:45 instead of 9:30. Then, she said court was late and said 10:15 and then told me at 10 that she was done (her meeting was scheduled for 10, but she called and said she was going to be late). Come to find out, she actually did something that is illegal (and unethical), but she thinks the State is "wronging" her...if she didn't show up for court today, she could have gone to jail. Now, I wouldn't wish jail on anyone, but that would actually make the teen's situation less complicated...apparently, there is still a possibility if she doesn't do what she's supposed to do.

During the drive from the court house to the school, I talked to her about not wanting to take her kid from her, but I want to help make things easier. I mentioned her signing something that legally would allow me to make some educational (and medical) decisions...i.e. pay tuition/have access to grades/permission to talk to teachers/take her to appointments. I'm not sure she was paying much attention to me, but I tried.

She had her meeting and pretty much said she wasn't going to stress about the teen going there and wouldn't enroll her. She has to make a payment by Friday or the teen can't take her finals. They don't have record that she made any payments (although, come to find out she actually was telling the truth that she gave the teen money orders last semester for some of it). During the drive home (my first of three trips to her house today), I said something about taking the teen off her hands and she basically said no way, she can go to public school.

After I dropped her off, I went through the ATM and brought the payment to school. I cried as I talked to the President because their hands are tied. Even though she would help me and the teen figure something out for paying the bills next year, she can't do that if her mom refuses to enroll her. She said that if "circumstances" change over the summer, they will let her back in, but for now, she is not enrolled.

That is really hard to swallow...and makes me very sad.

A couple hours later, I get a call from mom that the little one wants to talk to me. The little one asked if she could come over and play...today. Oh, sure, why not, even though I was wanting a nap and thought that mom probably wanted to go somewhere that she couldn't bring the little one and didn't have anyone else, so was using me as a baby-sitter...oh well. 

The little one was excited to see me. We made a quick stop at the grocery store and then played outside in my front yard. We did chalk (and Barbies) for a little while and then I pulled weeds and planted some flowers while she dug holes and played with roly polys. 

It got a little hot, so we went inside and she decided to cut up a box. I'm glad to know she knows how to use scissors because she definitely doesn't know how to write her name and she'll be FIVE in 3 months. She can't really recognize letters and only scribbled, not drew pictures. She ends nearly every sentence with a "huh?" to get validation of what she says (eg. "That's really cute, huh?") Makes me sad. Her birthday is after the cut-off, so she may not get to go to kindergarten this year. Hopefully her mom will at least get her into pre-school since she'll be five!

Then, we went and got the teen from school. I filled her in on how the meeting went (leaving out the fact that I paid what she needed to take her finals just in case her mom doesn't). She started crying as soon as I mentioned that I thought she'd be okay if she had to change schools. She said she "can't" do it (and doesn't want to). I told her pretty much everything I said to her mom, but don't know what else to do...so asked her to keep praying for wisdom. She filled out a job application, so hopefully she gets that job and can keep busy this summer.

The little one watched a short movie while I talked to the teen and made dinner. This was the first time the three of us had dinner together in a while, so it was nice.

After dinner, the little one and I played in my play room...and then I was ready to be done with this busy day, so I brought them home around 8:00 (my third trip to their house today). I texted the teen to see if her mom was flipping out over anything I said, but maybe she went to bed early too.

Back to work tomorrow...but just for one day since I'm off on Thursday. I can do "anything" for one day ;)
Good night.

Falling Tears

I had a meeting at work to plan our annual Pediatric and Perinatal Memorial Service from 9:30-10:30. It went a little late, so I was late for my therapy appointment that was at 11. Then, I met with my Doctor at 2:00 about my PCOS treatment since the Progesterone shots I've been taking don't seem to be "fixing" the problem and it is getting costly/frustrating. After that, I called the girls' mom (actually talked to her three different times I think since we hung up and she called back). She said the teen could come over after school and I could bring her home after dinner...yay!

The teen was initially her chatty self and then I attempted to talk to her about something "tough" (mostly because my therapist was trying to make sure I'd be "ok" if things don't go the way "we"/"I" want them to go). I said something like "you're going to be okay even if you have to change schools next year"...her response was "no I won't be" and told me she wouldn't go to school and/or she would leave the State to go live with an aunt. She may have said one or two more things and then completely shut down. Her wall was up and she refused to tell me what happened, what she was feeling, or talk about anything.

She eventually agreed to go outside with me for a little while to study while I planted some flowers. We were not close enough to have a normal voice conversation, so maybe that felt "safe". Then, she went to her room while I finished making dinner.

She talked for a little while at dinner and then I asked her if she still wanted to go to college. She shrugged her shoulders, muttered a "maybe" (or something similar) and the wall went back up. I tried to get her to talk as she rubbed/covered her eyes...the only thing she muttered was that she had a headache. She wouldn't respond to any questions, tell me what I said to upset her, even acknowledge that she WAS upset...

I finally gave up on her talking and let her get up to do the dishes. I was so upset/frustrated that the tears started to fall as we worked in silence...her rinsing the dishes and me putting them into the dishwasher which is our normal routine.

She went to her room and I continued to cry...and pray for guidance/wisdom/strength/for her to feel my love and His love... I know she's not "really" my daughter, but when she's hurting it sure does make my heart ache. I love her so much and it is SO hard when I know she's struggling, but have no idea why (or which one of the 101 reasons she has to be hurting/struggling it is right now) and she, for whatever reason, cannot tell me.

After a few minutes, I tearfully knocked on her door and asked her when she wanted to go home. She said "now" but it took a few minutes for her to get ready, so I sat at the table and cried while I waited for her.

We made the drive to her house in silence as I fought back the tears. She looked a little upset too, but she was bound and determined not to let any tears fall. I told her I loved her and would be around if she wanted to talk later. I may text her here in a little bit since both of us have had a little time to "settle".

Her mom is scheduled to meet at her school tomorrow at noon. I believe she owes a chunk of tuition that has to be paid before the teen can take finals. Even though I'm willing to do all her service work and pay tuition (if the teen gets a job), it's kind of "murky" on if that is acceptable or not and if her mom is willing to sacrifice anything to make it possible for her daughter to graduate from the school she's attended for three years...

My heart is hurting and the tears are falling...praying for lots of things including being able to deal with the "fall out" if things do not go in a way that seems to be in the best interest of the teen...I love that girl so very much...

Lucky Girl

Even though I am orienting a nurse new to my unit and today was her third day, I decided to try to get the day off if I could. Our census was low, so I got to be "on call" (and didn't get called in...yay!) 

The past two days were "drama" with the teen and her mom (and the teen and her "group projects" at school), so I thought it would be good to have the day off to help with that. Her mom was very angry at her for staying here last night even though it was only because she was trying to work on a project. We did end up watching  a movie, but only because her partner never responded to her texts to work on their project. If I went to work, I didn't know how she would have gotten home and she really did need to spend at least a part of Mother's Day with her mom/grandma. 

Plus, my dad was making brunch at their house, so if I was off, I got to see my mom, grandma, and sister on Mother's Day too :) (and my dad, brother-in-law, and nephews). 

The teen was working on her project while I went and had brunch with my family. My dad made French Toast which is probably my favorite breakfast. (Before I left my house, the teen and I had cinnamon rolls since she looked at me and said "you wanna make breakfast?"...I love that girl!)

After brunch and she was done working on her project, I brought her home. The little one was playing outside and came to my car to see me. She told me she loved me and gave me a hug. She delivered her mom's Mother's Day gift to her and her mom was appreciative. I made her a card with pictures and she loved it (of course, she had to say "I knew I was going to get one of these"...sure you did, you know everything...) She did invite me inside so she could open the gift, but "all" I got her was bath towels and though it was a thoughtful/practical gift, I thought it may be anticlimactic when the giant box was "just" towels (new and freshly washed ones though). I did regret not taking the opportunity to have a conversation with her though since it has been a while since we talked (and the last three conversations she had with the teen involved lots of "f-bombs" and were not very supportive of the teen doing her best to get good grades in her classes). But, it is what it is...I texted the teen this evening and she said her mom liked the towels and was "better" today.

I'm so thankful to have been given this day off to spend with the people I love...one hard thing about working in the hospital is "missing" special days like this, so I'm feeling really lucky/blessed today.

Happy Mother's Day to every woman who's ever loved someone more than herself...
Good night.

On Mother's Day

Today, the teen came to my house to work on a group project with some girls from school. I was at work, so didn't get to see them "in action". Apparently, one of the girls was a couple hours late, so it was much less productive than the teen had hoped and she was very upset/frustrated when I got home. She had another group project to do, but she couldn't get in touch with her friend/partner...that project is due Monday.


Add to that, her mom cussed her out (F-bomb and all) both yesterday and today about making excuses or something like that. Her mom was really upset about her wanting to stay here tonight so she could finish her project (and didn't believe that she actually had a project). I tried calling her mom, then texted her mom (since the teen was in tears and really stressed out). 


Her mom (in a round about not nice way) ended up saying the teen could stay the night.


She never was able to get her friend to help with the project, so I helped her with what I could, encouraged her, and told her how proud I am of her...


Last year on Mother's Day, the girls had been living here almost a year. My parents gave me a Keurig (probably because they gave my sister one, but still really nice!) I got a couple "Happy Mother's Day...well, kind of" which stung a bit, but I did understand...kind of.


This year, I don't have a "placement" and I don't have my "own" kids, so I was wondering what Mother's Day would feel like.


Then, I got this in an email from Paper Coterie...
"To every woman who has ever loved someone more than herself, we wish you an absolutely wonderful Mother's Day." and I found much comfort in those words.


Helping with school projects, wiping away tears, giving words of support, watching chick flicks together...and I know, that I'm a woman who has loved someone more than myself...and will have an absolutely wonderful Mother's Day.

Fun With the Teenager

Monday evening was May Crowning at the teen's school. "Our" school has lots of traditions and this is one of my favorites :) It is mandatory and in the evening, so her mom was okay with her coming over after school so I could bring her to May Crowning and then home. We had gone shopping a couple times so she had a new outfit to wear. I ended up sitting in a spot where I could see her clearly (she is in front of the girl in the white sweater and the one with the white and black skirt on the left side of the picture). She seemed to behave herself...ha! Afterwards, I took some pictures of her with her friends (I told her I needed some for her "Senior Slide Show" that I'll have to make next year...can't believe she'll be a Senior!) It was special to be able to attend with her.

(I can't post the pic of me with the teen, so this is me with a girl I baby-sat!)

Tuesday night, the teen and I went to a baseball game. My mom got us 4 tickets and she had friends lined up to go who backed out last minute. So, once again it was "just us"...poor girl, but I guess at least she has me (and that I have her because I likely wouldn't go anywhere if I didn't have her to go places with me). She was being a brat and wouldn't let me take her picture. She is so pretty when she laughs and smiles with her teeth, but in posed pictures she ALWAYS smiles with her mouth closed. Sure, she's still pretty, but I wanted to catch her with a big smile. She would have NOTHING of that, so I tried to sneak pictures with my phone instead of my camera. Then, she took my camera and took all sorts of unflattering pictures of me, so I took pictures of her with my phone while she had my camera. (The pictures are in no particular order, but I do think she enjoyed me teasing her and we laughed a lot!) There were fireworks after the game and she got a ball that was hit to our section :)

Last week, she lost her glasses during her walk home from the bus stop. So, on Saturday when she was with me, we made her an appointment to see the eye doctor this afternoon. Her mom told her she could go and she would give her the insurance card. She didn't think her mom would let her go today if she knew that I was bringing her. I'm not sure why, but I instructed her NOT to lie about it. We "texted it out" last night and I told her she could be general and tell her mom that she was finding her way to and from, but to tell the truth if her mom asked. I know she didn't want to lie either, because that isn't in her character, but she knew what she needed to have happen and didn't want to risk not being able to go. I told her I appreciated her allowing me to help her find the right words. As it turns out, her mom didn't ask. However, she did come here to watch SVU with me before I dropped her off at the library near her house which probably wasn't the BEST idea considering her mom didn't give her permission to come over, but we haven't/won't make it a habit of not telling her mom everything.

While I waited for her to have her eye exam, I had her family Medicaid card. I didn't realize that there were only 6 years, 3 months between the little one and her three older brothers. So, her mom had four kids six years and under (plus two other kids)...I think that puts it into a little more perspective on how things could have (did) get overwhelming. Obviously, her (likely diagnosis although not diagnosed) narcissistic personality disorder didn't help matters and she made bad choices, but that's busy!

I renewed my foster parent home study today since my license will expire in August (she is ahead of the game so there is no lapse in licensure...good thinking!) I'm not sure if/when I'll be ready to take another placement (even though I did say yes on Sunday). I'm (slowly) trying to clear out/organize my "junk room" to make it a usable bedroom for potential future placements. I'd rather not kick the teen out of "her" room even if she just stays here sporadically. Granted, I could move her into the other room once it's just "half a junk room", but I'd rather not. 

The teen asked if she could have her English project group come over and film part of their video here on Saturday. I guess they need a kitchen scene. I'm scheduled to be at work, but trust her to be responsible (and her friends too). She'll probably clean the kitchen floors for me in return, so I'm all for that...ha! She still has to ask her mom about that, but my guess is that she'd rather have her stay the night than find her a ride here on Saturday for filming.

Well, it's late (and that's a long enough post!) Good night.

Will You Get More?

It's been just over 23 months since I first met the girls.

 It's been just over 7 months since the girls went home.

And yet...they are still a very big part of my life.

I know it's just because people are curious, but I've been getting the "will you get more" question a lot recently. I attended a foster parent appreciation night party on Friday night. I spoke at foster parent training in October and again in March. One mom from each group came and talked to me about how things were going post-reunification. Another mom came and asked how things were going. The mom I talked to at the last training came to gave me her information (and asked me if the teen had an "IEP" which I may look into) and asked how things were. 

All of them wanted to know if/when I was taking more placements.

I do, at times, feel guilty that I haven't taken any more placements. I wonder if I should be "keeping my life on hold" when it seems unlikely that the teen will get her wish of moving back here on a permanent/semi-permanent basis. 

My response to them was that one of the caseworkers told me I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. She's also the one who told me I'd "know when I knew"...and she was definitely right then. 

I thought I was "ready" for "more" at the end of January, beginning of February right before everything blew up with the teen. I'm thankful now that I have been able to be fully present for her during these past three months...and the months to come.

Today while I was at work, I missed a call about a 15-year-old girl who needed a placement. She was at my hospital (but not in my area) being treated for physical abuse, maybe getting released today. I got the message pretty soon after it was left and my first call was to the teen. I asked her how she would feel about me getting another placement. She told me it was fine (I asked her lots of times to make sure). I let her know that it wouldn't change how I felt about her and she was my #1 priority, so she could say no. However, once I had her blessing, I called my dad and asked if he'd be able to help with the bed situation since I just have one "spare" bed that the teen uses (and a toddler bed). I called the worker back less than 20 minutes after the initial call came in. I got a little more information and she said she or another worker would call me with more information (she thought maybe I could at least do "emergency" this week since I only work Wednesday and then the weekend). She called me pretty quickly after we hung up to tell me they found another place for her...

So, I suppose the answer to "will you get more" is "probably", but I'm choosing to trust that God has the timing and the details all worked out.

In the mean time, I know I'll get to spend time with the teen tomorrow and Tuesday (and maybe Thursday)...and for that, I know I'm blessed.

Good night.

Hanging Out When We Can

Last week, the teen and I seemed to "push the limits" with her mom. We did end up getting to do the things we wanted to do, but the threat of her limiting/ending our contact is something she seems to enjoy holding over our heads.

I texted the teen on Sunday night to see if she was "cool" with me calling her mom to see if she wanted to formulate some kind of "plan" for the week...as far as coming over/staying the night/not staying the night/not coming over. I did call her mom and she was not very chatty this time (recall, last week I spent 45 minutes on the phone listening to her go on and on). She said we would "take it day by day"...which, we decided we would take.

Monday morning, I got a text from the teen shortly before 7:00 AM. Apparently, her mom was mad at her because she had a housing inspection that day and needed help (at 6 AM) getting ready for it (or something like that) and told her to not make excuses to come to my house that don't exist. Her early morning "tantrum" led to the teen having to wait for a later bus that was running late. So, I picked her up for the last 10 blocks so she wasn't late to school. She was able to say to me "it is not my fault/issue, it is hers"...

Later, I found out that her school soccer team was playing in the district tournament. Also, my mom had given me some "expired" orange juice to give to her mom next time I brought the teen home. It was "quite" expired, but was not open and my mom assured me it would be fine for a day or two. However, I texted her mom to see if she'd be interested or if I should toss it...and threw in a little bit about the soccer game because I'm "smooth like that"...ha! At some point during our texting, she called the teen and told her she could come over here and go to the game with me since I was already dropping some stuff off at their house. Then, her mom called and told me about how the teen didn't help her get ready for the inspection, etc. and told me that this was the last time the teen would be able to do anything. She instructed me not to call or text to see if the teen could do things with me. I decided that I may need to have a slight case of dementia and forget about that conversation, but thought I'd respect her wishes for a little while at least.

The teen and I watched the game together, but she was kind of quiet. I teased her that it was our "last hurrah" since her mom once again told us this was it. I love that we get to spend time together, but it's really pretty sad that I'm her only social outlet. She isn't allowed to do anything with her peers. I try to be cool and we do have fun, but the truth is that I'm nearly twice as old as she is (even though I may not act...or look...like it!)

She is so strong, though. I love that this week she was able to say that the problem is with her mom, not with her. Her mom does still hold more power over her self-esteem/confidence than she'd admit, but for this week, my "chin up"/"I'm so proud of you"/"you're amazing"/"I love you"/"keep up the great work's" seem to have sunk in for the most part.

Yesterday, I was at work. Shortly before noon, I received a text from the teen via her email since she has to leave her phone in her locker (they are "supposed" to...my guess is she's one of the only ones who do). It simply said "I love you. Have a good day!"

Seriously, how sweet is that?! I sent her a message back "Aww, I love you too. Thanks, sweetheart. (Hugs)." Seriously, that totally made the rest of my day and I'm not sure how many people I told about it. Totally and completely random text from a 17-year-old just to say she loves you...I am so blessed!

Then, I texted her after school to let her know I needed to be at work at 6:45 the next morning, so probably nice for her she wasn't staying the night (you know, since I wasn't allowed to ask her to do anything, even though we told her mom there was another soccer game since we won).  She texted back wondering if she could come over if she called her mom to ask. Her mom said sure (without talking to me at all) and she was here when I got home from work. I got off late and it looked kind of stormy, so we decided to skip the game (she was working on a project anyway). I texted her mom to let her know that we weren't going to the game, but I'd bring her home after dinner. She called me and said that was fine as long as I had her home by 10. I texted when we were on our way, she said thanks and all was well for the day...neither of us complained about the overnight change, but at least I wasn't the one who asked to do something with the teen!

Today, I texted the teen before I left work to make sure she was heading home. She said yes and forwarded me the text from her mom that told her "Straight home. Got it." Yep, and I got it too... She and I texted for quite a while so I made sure she didn't miss her bus and I was procrastinating mowing my lawn (that's what she told me I was doing anyway...she knows me too well!) She texted me "This lady came up to me and said the Spirit of the Lord is telling me you're meant to be a nurse". That cracked me up (and her too) because she has been telling me that she's freaked out by seeing peoples' veins...she totally doesn't want to be a nurse, although she does have a caregiver/protector personality. I told her that maybe the lady just had her signals crossed and she was just feeling my presence in the teen's heart...ha!

I guess we both shall see what tomorrow holds. She needs to/wants to finish her required service hours on Saturday, but hasn't signed up yet. I'll probably at least need to help with transportation for that. I think I'll have tickets to another baseball game next week, so we'll need to get permission for that. But, in between times, I guess we'll just wait and see what happens...there HAVE been days when her mom randomly tells her to come over here. I won't be holding my breath, but we are taking each moment as it comes and hanging out/giving her some reprieve from the craziness whenever we can :)

Good night.

On Being "Brave"

This morning, I was fortunate enough to be able to attend an (in) Real Life gathering. As I was getting ready, I challenged myself to try to do more listening than talking. I AM capable of being a good listener (I think ;) ), but I'm also REALLY good at talking about "my story". 

As I started the 70 minute drive, I thought about the fact that I was driving alone to an unknown location to a house filled with women I had never met/knew nothing about. (I also thought about the fact that I was driving alone for 70 minutes so my challenge of not talking so much was likely going to be an even bigger challenge...ha!)

And then I thought about being "brave". If someone asked me to pick a few words to describe myself, I doubt I would come up with the word "brave". However, I really have done some things in my life that could be considered "brave":

• I moved 750 miles away to attend college. I only knew one other person who was going to that school and it wasn't someone that I was likely to "hang out" with. I lived in dorms for four years, I joined clubs, and found some good friends.
• After college, I moved 1500 miles away from home to a city I'd only briefly visited twice. I lived in my own apartment for 15 months. I learned how to do "everything" myself (or be resourceful to find someone who could help me). I went to the grocery store, the movies, and on day trips by myself. Unfortunately, community/friendships didn't come as easily outside the university setting, so it was a pretty easy decision to come back "home".
• Just over five years ago, I bought my house from my parents after my sister and I rented it from them for three years. I sometimes pay people to mow/shovel and my dad cleans the gutters, but I mostly take care of things ;)
• Nearly four years ago, I hopped on an airplane to meet a "blog-friend-turned-real-life-friend" face-to-face.
• Just over two years ago, I (finally!) got my foster parent license...and the first call for a placement. 
• Nearly two years ago, a very introverted 15-year-old and a chatty nearly 3-year-old became my first foster placement. I ended up being a single foster mom to them for 16 months. They went home seven months ago, but we are still changing each other's lives :)
• Six months ago, I flew to Nashville for my birthday and met two more "blog-friends-turned-real-life friends". 
• Then, today I drove 70 minutes down the road alone and met women who are now my "tweeps" and "fb friends". I still probably talked too much and made weird faces in photos (and tried really hard not to randomly start bawling...that worked much better than the not talking too much did!), but they all made me feel like I "belonged" anyway ;)

Although I rarely feel "brave"...it seems I may have more courage than your "average gal" ;) So, I will embrace that...and remember this when I am feeling anything but brave.

I'd better go to bed...it's looking like it could be a long day at work tomorrow and is going to be a very busy week!
Good night.

Keeping Busy

I'm not sure how or when I got too busy to blog. I blogged a lot more when I had two kids living here, was working full-time, dealing with visitation, caseworker visits, other appointments, and family obligations! Now, half the time I don't even know what day it is. Maybe I blogged more out of "necessity" even though I was just as/more busy than I am now because I needed a safe place to vent...and now I just vent to anyone who will listen (even though I probably should go back to blogging...ha!)

Last weekend I was off work and "teenless" because one of my cousin's got married. My sister was a bridesmaid so I helped my mom with my nephews. Well, everyone kind of helped with them, but I made sure to be present so there would be no complaints ;) I did a reading at the wedding and got lots of compliments. I got that public speaking gene from my dad, although I am much more comfortable reading someone else's words than speaking into a microphone words that I have written or need to speak spontaneously. It was an honor to be asked and I'm glad I was up to the challenge. It was really fun to be with my family. My mom and I went to the gift opening on Sunday which was nice too.

My nephew wanted to be with "his boys" (my cousins) the whole night :)

Handsome :)

He literally danced until he could barely stand up (around 10:30 with no nap!)

My mom, aunt, and I went and got our hair done. I love how it turned out! 

With my mom and sister :)

My mom's parents. They are so cute.

Even though there are 21 grandkids on my mom's side, I think it wil be a while before another family wedding. There have been five and there are four great-grandkids :)

It has been a busy couple of weeks at work. I am on a committee that is working on getting my hospital re-designated as a Magnet institution. It represents excellence in nursing and is only given to about 6% of hospitals in the country. So, it's a really big deal and has been a lot of work (but a lot of interesting and fun stuff too). The appraisers are coming next week to talk to nurses and other members of the hospital staff to validate/verify/amplify everything that we wrote in our 500+ page document. So, I have been going to meetings on my days off, sending emails, and had to create a binder with information. We are also supposed to be working on our peer and self evaluations and there are still a lot of extra shifts to fill until our new staff is hired.

I do love my job, but it's times like this that I'm grateful I haven't gotten any new foster kids. A sweet 2 1/2 year old was admitted to my floor this week after someone (apparently) beat the cr@p out of him. As much as he seems like a kid that I would be able to handle (if I got a call about him...that is still only a remote possibility at this point...I have no idea how that works really!), I still feel like I should wait. I have no idea how many extra hours we are going to have to work this summer since we are implementing a new charting system and still won't be fully staffed. I think I would feel guilty putting an already traumatized child into day care for more than 40 hours a week/for 13 hour days. Eventually, I know I'll have to get over part of that if I want to take another placement, but it would be better if I knew I was only working 3 days a week, not have to go 4 or 5 days a week. 

Plus, I have no idea what's going to happen with the teen...and she remains my priority. She was here 5 out of 8 nights before last weekend's wedding. Then, I guess her mom did the whole "no more Amanda" line. She has always changed her mind, but the threat still remains...and neither of us know how, when, or why she will change her mind.  She agreed to let the teen come over here after school on Tuesday so she and I could go to a college baseball game. Then, she said she could stay the night. That day, her mom called me and talked to me for 45 minutes straight like we were BFFs. Definitely 45 minutes of my life I can never get back, but I can surely laugh about some of the things she told me and if I have to listen to her mumbo jumbo in order to have contact with the teen, by all means, I'll keep the phone to my ear ;)

Last night got a little sticky though...as did this afternoon. So, there is no telling what will happen from here. Yesterday, the teen and I tried to contact her about plans (kind of sort of trying to get her to say she could just stay the night), but she had her phone off. We stalled for a while and she called really ticked off when we were on the way to bring her home. We were almost to their street when she told me she didn't have a way to get the teen to school so she should just stay with me even though we were both "pushing it". Today, she did end up letting me bring the teen to her high school's soccer game, but it was after a few angry text messages/phone calls and the threat of not allowing the teen to go to any more social events.

Her mom also "forgot" to go to her meeting at the teen's school about tuition and other commitments. The teen (finally) talked to one of her teachers about what has been going on as well as to the President of the school to tell her how much she wants to graduate from there and what she is willing to do to help financially. I'm willing to do pretty much anything to help make that happen, even if it's the teen and I who have to do everything. 

Today was Parent Appreciation Day at the school and her mom had no clue. I suppose that worked to my benefit because I was able to bring her lunch (for her and her friends) and her mom has no clue ;) One of her friends asked if I was her sister, another asked if I was her mom...I'm cool with either (especially since we look nothing alike...family is definitely more than genes though!) I am so proud of her and I really hope she is doing as well in her classes as she says she is. I do know she is trying hard.

I know fortune cookies are meant to be for fun, but every once in a while, they really make sense. This was her fortune:  "Focus on your long-term goal. Good things will soon happen." My fortune was "Your imagination will point you in a new direction. Go for it!" Pretty cool :)

Tomorrow she is baby-sitting for some relative who actually lives REALLY close to me. I dropped her off there tonight and discovered that I had actually been inside that house before...25 years ago! We had gotten into a car accident on the way to grandma's house because someone ran a stop sign and my dad couldn't stop on the icy road. The older lady who lived in that house let us come in and wait for the police to come. Such a small world!

Speaking of small world...blogging (and twitter) has brought such a great community. This weekend there is something called (in) Real Life from the people who started (in) courage. I signed up and took Saturday off work. It is being held about an hour drive from where I live. I had no idea what to expect, but this week I got emails from two women who will be there and now I'm really looking forward to it. I am still not sure what, if anything, I'll have in common with these other people, but I love meeting new people and blogging/twitter has definitely brought me a community of people I never would have met "in real life". This may mean I have to open up my quiet little blog to people who live locally and met me before they read anything here (so I can have a heart attack every time my site meter tells me someone in my State visited), but if it does, I know it will be "ok".

So, that's the happenings here. I'm finishing up a Woodchuck and then should head to bed. I have two meetings tomorrow...super fun ;) I may need to go to the store and get some Green Apple Smirnoff in honor of Sara. Tomorrow part of the (in)Real Life is sharing her story of creating community even though she was homebound...I miss that girl. If you haven't "met" her, you should go read her story...she'll knock your socks off (or something like that ;) ) Choose Joy...today and every day :)

Until the next time...

Good night.

Listening to the Lyrics

I enjoyed the weekend with my family celebrating my cousin's wedding. I got my hair done in a salon and had lots of compliments (it did look really cute). I took quite a few pictures and will post some soon.

In the mean time, I thought it was a good time to post the lyrics to a song I've been listening to a lot. The teen shared it with me a while back and told me she really liked it. I liked how it sounded, but it took me a while to actually listen to the lyrics. Once I did, I knew why she liked it so much...and I do too.

I texted her this afternoon and that was the first time we'd talked since Thursday. She said that her mom is using her favorite "no more Amanda" line which she always forgets about eventually, but the waiting and not knowing is hard. I have tickets to a baseball game on Tuesday, so hopefully the ban on seeing me is lifted before then. I love her so much and this is so tough for both of us...

He Said (Group 1 Crew featuring Chris August)

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, "I'm a good person,
So why do these things keep happening?"
Why you gotta deal with them
You may be knocked down now, but don't forget
What He said, He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know, I'll never, ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said
Don't you forget what He said, He said

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
'Cause God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry
You may be knocked down now, but just believe what He said

He said "I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break"

"I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend
But I won't let you break
And know I'll never ever let you go"
Don't you forget what He said

Don't you forget what He said.

Another Lengthy Update

I don't really like that it feels this has become kind of a depressing place, but it seems that I haven't had much time to write. And, when things are rough, that's when I make time. So, things really aren't bad all the time, but I definitely have been struggling with everything that has been going on.

It's been just over two months since the sh*t hit the fan. I'd love to be sitting here two months in and say that things are good/better, but I guess I'm thankful that I wouldn't necessarily say they are worse either. The teen continues to tell me that she doesn't think she'll be able to reach her goals unless she can live somewhere without her mom (preferably with me). She knows that she needs to get other people involved (like teachers, the principal, a counselor), but so far she has not talked to anyone but me, her aunt, and the child abuse hotline (and her friends).

I can't imagine how hard it is for her to talk about it, but it also is a little frustrating for me to not have any help. I have told her multiple times that I will be in this war with her, but she has to fight some of her own battles. She says she knows that. I guess I'm just having a hard time being patient since her emotional roller coaster is hard to watch, especially since I'm on one of my own and sometimes on hers too.

It breaks my heart to see her so sad and stressed. I love it when she comes over and we can spend time together. However, there always comes a point when she shuts down or gets this somber look on her face. I do wonder if that will go away if she did end up moving out of her home and back into mine or if she will always carry some of that sadness and stress with her.

Friday night, I planned to bring her and her friend home after our movie. Half way through the movie, her mom texted me that she was tired and so I could just "keep" the teen. I let her know that I worked on Saturday, so wouldn't be able to bring her home until after work (around 8:00 PM). She said fine. We had dangerous storms predicted for my area Saturday afternoon/evening, so I talked to her a couple of times and we decided she should just stay again. Sunday afternoon, I brought her home to change and picked up the little one. After hanging out at my house for a while, we went to a musical at the children's theater (one of our "things"). And then I brought them home. Yesterday, the teen came over after school while I was at work to study for her test. While she was here, her mom told her she could just stay the night rather than me bringing her home when I got off. I called and verified and she said she likes her being able to have some quiet time and being so close to school. Today, I picked her up from school and brought her home.

So, she has spent four out of five nights here...and now there are no plans of when she will be back...tomorrow? Thursday? Next week? The unpredictability is hard on my emotions, but I suppose I'd rather deal with it being unpredictably yes rather than her saying no on a day she previously said yes. The last time she spent this many days at my house, her mom became upset and whatever happened led to the teen threatening to run away. This time, I have record that it was her mom's idea for her to stay every night. I have no idea if that helps or not, but it's something!

I sent an email to the lawyer who worked on their case asking about the possibility of Power of Attorney. I talked to the teen about that potential option last night, even though I don't know if it is possible. Basically, I want her to be able to live with me, give her permission to get a job, be able to get her medical/dental/eye care, send her to her current school, and be able to make some educational decisions/talk to her teachers about her.

I am not asking for money from the State (although if I can count tuition costs as a tax deduction, I'll take it ;)). I don't even want the State to take away mom's welfare money she gets for the teen even though she won't be living there full-time (maybe I shouldn't say that since that doesn't sound 100% legal or ethical, but taking money away from her is not my goal).

I would much rather her mom willingly let her be where she obviously wants to be than try to get her taken away from her by the State due to abuse allegations!

In fact, I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt about potentially taking her down that path. Her mom trusts me. She doesn't really trust anyone. I have worked really hard to gain her trust, and she has worked hard to allow me to have it. Even though I honestly believe the teen will do much better living apart from her mom, it does make me feel like I'd be stabbing her in the back by being a part of putting her through an abuse investigation. Growing up, I had to deal with the "two-faced" girls and it brings tears to my eyes thinking that this isn't much/any different than that. She has been letting me see her kids and is actually really friendly to me. She doesn't have to do that. I realize that some of it is out of convenience to her and it is still often on "her time", but right now all of us are getting some "good" out of this arrangement, even though it is far from perfect.

The teen is going to think about letting me talk to one of her aunts. I need it to be clear to someone besides the teen that my intention was never to take the teen from her family. I have been encouraging her to work things out and she is the one who came to me saying (on multiple occasions) she wants to live with me. I have been too afraid to talk to her mom about our "arrangement" and future plans for our "arrangement" because I don't want to risk losing the parts that are good. I told the teen that her aunt may have an idea of how to approach her mom without it being threatening. Since we believe she is narcissistic, I need help making her see what is in it for her and how such a decision will show how good she is or something like that. I need someone else to believe that I'm really not an enemy and sincerely want what is best for their whole family.

In the mean time, I'm in a "holding pattern" where sometimes a teen lives here and sometimes she doesn't. I've gotten calls from my agency to do respite care, but I've had to turn all of them down (partially work-related too). So, I am also feeling a little guilty, and maybe a tiny bit resentful that I cannot take another placement. I've had my foster parent license for over 2 years and have only had one placement. Thankfully, one of the caseworkers reminded me today that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now...with the two girls who have forever changed my life.

So, I guess I'm back to going to every other week therapy and using this blog as therapy in between sessions. Today, I got my hair colored and had a manicure and a pedicure (and went back to sleep after I took the teen to school). So, along with "talking it out" here, I am trying to taking care of myself (I take naps whenever I can!) I know that I'm no good for the teen if I'm an emotional wreck, but I have been honest with her that this is tough for me.

Well, we have been short at work and having to pick up extra shifts. So, I'm scheduled to work the next three days even though I worked yesterday. I'd better get some sleep (I think I've been typing this for an hour...I'd say it was a pretty good use of my time though...ha!)
Good night.

Down and Up

That's how my emotions have been this week...down and up. I guess it's good to end the week on an up, but the down was not fun at all.

The girls, their mom (and apparently the oldest of the 3 brothers in between them) went with their aunt out of town for the weekend. They left on Friday night and did not get back until Wednesday afternoon. So, the teen missed school on Tuesday and Wednesday. I do not think that was a very cool thing to do to her, but she said her grades are fine and she has been able to make up the work she missed.

Tuesday, I had a rough day. I went and saw my therapist in the morning which was actually good timing. She was worried about me because all this stuff with the teen has been weighing on my emotions and it's all up and down depending on her mom's mood. She (along with my caseworker) are a little worried about what mom will do if somehow this does end up in an investigation by the State in order for the teen to be placed back with me. It could be really ugly for me, but I'm not going to let the teen down just because I'm scared of what kinds of lies her mom will say about me.

Since the teen was out-of-town, I didn't get to talk to her as much and I was having a really hard time with that. She also didn't respond to some of my text messages and I ended up with a terrible feeling Tuesday afternoon/evening that she wouldn't want to see/talk to me after spending that time with her family. I knew that I was worrying for nothing (or that I shouldn't worry about something like that considering she isn't really my kid), but it was really hard to fight off those feelings. Wednesday was a lot better emotionally and I decided that I would let her contact me and not keep texting her and bugging her while she was with her family. I realized that I was kind of being annoying (or at least that was a definite possibility), so that helped me too.

I'm glad that I was able to get myself to simmer down because I got quite the surprise yesterday afternoon. I had a missed call from her mom yesterday at 2:30 while I was at work. I texted her that it was a crazy day, but I'd try and call her if I had a chance. I was taking the second half of my lunch break (long, busy day!) around 4:30 and got a text from the teen that her mom texted her to say she could stay the night at my house if she wanted. Yeah, totally random and I wasn't included in the communication to ask if she could or not...ha! So, the teen asked, I said sure, verified with her mom that it was okay she was there when I wasn't and she said sure. I ended up going out with people from work after work for dinner (with the teen's "blessing"/"permission") and then brought her some food. We were able to visit and she assured me that my bad feeling was not at all true :) She talked to her aunt while she was out of town about what has been going on with her mom. I'm glad she found someone to talk to, but I'm not sure if that aunt can help or not. She knows that she needs to talk to people at school about what is going on since right now it just looks like I'm trying to take her from her mom which is not at all true, but is how it could easily look.

Then, today the teen got off school early. She asked if she could come over after school since I was off. I said sure and her mom wouldn't give us a time she wanted her home. So, we hung out, ate dinner, and she had a friend came over to watch a movie. My plan (and hers) was for me to bring both girls home after the movie. I texted her mom our plan and she didn't text back until half way through the movie. She said she was tired and the teen should just stay here (she actually said "u can keep her" and I should have taken that opportunity to text "forever?!", but I did not). I am scheduled to work tomorrow, so maybe she'll end up staying all weekend?

I love that the teen is here, but two weekends ago, her mom told her she was no longer allowed to come over. I'm not sure how long our emotions can handle her mom's ways like this, but I guess we have no choice right now. It is so hard to see her so sad when she comes here after extended time at home and then now hearing her laugh with her friend (and laughing with me), knowing that this is temporary and her mom WILL take away the things she enjoys, for how ever long it is convenient for her. The downs and ups is not fun at all, but I'll continue to support her when she's here...and take care of myself (and her) when she's not.

Well, time to take her friend home so I can come back and go to bed. Tomorrow will be my fourth shift of the week (plus two days of hour and half meetings), so it's been a long week (but that bigger pay check will be nice!)
Good night.

Lots of Smiles Too

I realized that all I've been writing about (and talking about) is the drama with the teen and her living situation and all the stress, worry, and emotional days that has brought me. I love her so much and it has been weighing on me a lot. However, she and I do have fun times together along with the serious conversations. I've actually had a lot of good things happen at work recently, including taking care of really good patients and receiving lots of positive feedback and support from my Manager. My older nephew cracks me up and it was great to spend time with the little one last week. So, even though things have been tough, I am still doing things to take care of myself with lots of smiles and laughter too :)

The teen, the little one, and their mom went out of town on Friday to see extended family (they left the boys here...weird, but whatever). I've texted the teen a couple of times and she seems to be doing well. Apparently, they aren't leaving until tomorrow to come home, so she will miss a day of school. I'm interested to see if this has changed her thoughts on what she wants/needs at all. Hopefully I'll get to see her this week (before Sunday when her mom said I could take her and the little one to the children's theater). I miss her (but am SO grateful that last Tuesday, she hugged me tightly back during one of my 25 or so hugs...I can still feel it when I close my eyes).

Good night.

Where to Begin

So much has happened in the six days since I last posted that I don't even know where to begin.

On Saturday, I was off, so got to go to lunch with my Grandma (dad's mom), mom, sister, two nephews, cousin, and her baby. It was really fun and nice to try and get away from the "foster mama drama" for a little while...

Saturday afternoon, I called the girls' mom and first left her a message (a long one). She called me back and we talked for a while (she was very pleasant to me on the phone, as she has been). Basically, my reason for calling was to see if she would be willing to meet with me face-to-face on Tuesday (my next day off) to talk about how things are going. I told her that, even though there are 3 of us, I didn't want it to be a "triangle" where one person was put in the middle or one person was left out. I told her that I thought we were communicating well by phone and text (a little stretch of the truth, but I had to try!), but thought we needed a face-to-face to make sure we understood each other. I told her that I was here for them and would be willing to help the teen get to doctor/dentist appointments and mentioned therapy again (she said she doesn't have money for that). She mentioned that she may be leaving town and needed to figure out some things, so I agreed to call her the next day (Sunday) when I got off work.

Little did I know that my initial voice mail caused quite a commotion in their home. She called the teen and wanted to know why I wanted to talk to her and told the teen to call me. When the teen didn't, she cursed at her and said she'd just do it herself (Hello, I wanted to talk to YOU lady...I already talk to you daughter). Then, apparently the teen got her cell phone taken away and had to stay out of her room.


Sunday while I was at work, I got a lunch time text from the teen (from her email account since her phone was still confiscated) that she could not take it there any more and she was going to run away on Monday. She said there was no way she could last another week in that prison. Her mom was saying lots of hurtful things and that she would have to change schools her Senior year (and not allowed to get a job). Thankfully, I was able to talk her out of running away, but it was SO hard knowing how desperate she was to get out of that environment. My "mama bear claws" came out and I really began to feel like I couldn't take it any more either. I texted her mom before I called and she told me to call Monday instead. We did text for a few minutes and the teen texted me saying that her mom was getting really mad that I was texting her and to stop which is so weird since she was being so nice to me in the texts.

After much debate (and prayers), I decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline when I got home from work. It was SO hard and I cried the whole time. I knew that if it went to investigation, I could lose a lot, but it was the right thing to do and helping the teen would be worth it. Unfortunately, there was not enough information from me to start an investigation (she knows better than to physically abuse and the emotional and verbal stuff is very hard to prove).

Monday while I was at work, I continued to message the teen through her email account telling her not to run away and be patient. I recommended she make her own report through the Child Abuse Hotline since she had information/details I did not. Her mom did answer my call when I called after work and we talked for a long time. She said that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum on Thursday, but maybe not the teen. She said that the teen could not stay at my house and I could not bring her to her friend's track meet on Tuesday (I told her I'd cross my fingers she would change her mind and she laughed at me...I think I handle her pretty well even though I often think she could use a smack in the face or something ;) )

On Tuesday, their mom ignored three of my phone calls and then finally responded to a text. During THIS conversation, she said maybe she'd be going out of town for 2 weeks and would think about maybe letting both girls stay here through Easter...seriously, who ARE you?! Then, I asked her how my finger crossing worked and she did let me pick up the teen and bring her to the track meet/dinner (she was "good" and said I just should have her home by 11...again, who ARE you?!) The teen and I talked a LOT about what she wants/needs and what had been going on at home the past few days. Her big things are to stay at her current school for her Senior year and not live with her mom (preferably with me). She'd like to continue to have contact with her siblings, but realizes that may not happen if her mom gets angry enough. She wants to get out and be successful so she can help her siblings when they get older and mom treats them the way she is being treated now.

Yesterday, her mom confirmed that I could bring the little one to the Children's Museum today, but would not confirm if the teen could come or not. The teen told me that if she was allowed to come, she would make her call to the Child Abuse Hotline while the little one and I were gone.

This morning, her mom said it was okay for both girls to come with me. Of course, she was sleeping when I picked them up AND sleeping when I dropped them off five hours later, so I still didn't get to see her face-to-face which is annoying. I decided that it wouldn't be good if the teen didn't come to the museum since that was what we said our plan was. But, she needed to make her call in private. So, the little one and I left and then I had my friend watch her while I came back to get the teen after her call. It worked out ok I think. She needs to talk to some people at school who can continue the paper trail of documenting her abuse, but I'm really proud of her for taking that step.

I have done a lot of thinking and praying this week, and I honestly don't think she will be "ok" unless she gets out of that environment. I have tried being on her mom's side and tried to get them to work things out. I have encouraged the teen to try and let the hurtful comments roll off and remind her that she really is important, but I think enough is enough. I know that some (maybe even many) people will disagree with me, but the teen lived with me for 16 months and I've known her (and her mom) for nearly 2 years, so I feel like I am a good judge of character. This is beyond "just being a teenager" and I'm not a foster mom who is just upset she didn't get to adopt her foster kid(s). I have told her multiple times that I will fight the war with her, but she is going to have to fight some of the battles herself and she agrees. She understands that running away is not a good idea and she knows that this fight will not be easy (and likely not quick).

So, that's what's been going on...well, that and one of my favorite patients died on Saturday. She was 15 and had a great family...I haven't even had a chance to think about it much or do any sort of grieving yet, but I'm hoping to write a letter to her family which should help.

Hopefully I can get back to blogging more regularly soon, but I've been keeping busy doing other things these days...I do miss it and need to journal/diary!