Fun(ny) Day!

Well, I was not very prepared for my meeting today, but it went okay. I forgot the template for the minutes at home. I didn't get all the policies and procedures read. I ended up with hives for the first time in a while (and the conversation wasn't even REALLY that heated, but, in my defense the energy level WAS pretty high :o) ). There is this one nurse who talks in such a way that it is hard to tell if she is agreeing or disagreeing until she has talked for quite some time. It gets kind of annoying after a while because I don't see a reason to shout, especially if you are AGREEING with what is going on in the conversation. Anyway, it is challenging to manage a meeting like that, especially since I am probably more tolerant of her than others in the group. We did get a few things accomplished and made plans for some discussion ideas for next month.

After the meeting, I met a work friend for lunch. I hadn't seen her in a while and found out that she is moving to a different building. That made me sad. Even though I don't go visit her often, it is nice to know she is there. We had a really nice visit and it was fun to catch up. I've been praying for her for a while about something in her life, and so far things are going well. I'm REALLY happy for her and pray that things continue this way. Part of her job is to give stories to the media. She enjoys getting my input and is going to see if the media will do a story on one of our pediatric transplant patients for "Thanksgiving". I think that would be GREAT! The way we became friends is really a funny story (she used to be a reporter for one of the local news channels and the first time I met her I was "star struck" and knew all these things about her...could have been a little "creepy", but she took it well!). I'm so happy that we are friends :o)

From there, I met my dad at our "favorite place". He was doing well until I showed up (I DID call to make sure it was okay I joined him!). We did win one race together, but he blamed our "change of luck" on the fact that this couple from church who he finds rather annoying came and sat at the table next to ours. Of course, we couldn't ignore them, or move, but it gave us quite a laugh (and we weren't planning on staying much longer anyway!)

I forced myself to go work out this afternoon. I gave myself a LOT of excuses to stay home, but in the end decided that none of them were good ones. So, I went and was able to visit with my friend who came back to work today after having surgery. As it turned out, I was the ONLY one there for over thirty minutes, so we were able to talk one-on-one which was fun. She is going to do a little more investigating about the "random" phone call I got on Tuesday, but has a crazy memory that a LONG time ago, I was talking to "Carolyn" and may have given her my number. In any case, she apparently KEPT my number and shared it with a woman from church. Very interesting...and funny.

So, the REALLY funny part of today happened with our "family pictures". I ate dinner with my parents, then we went to have our photos taken for the church directory. Since my sister and brother-in-law do not go to church, they opted not to be in the directory photo. Since I am my "own" member now, I COULD have gotten my photo taken individually. However, I thought that would be kind of weird, although having a picture of just me and my parents is kind of weird too. I decided it would be "less awkward" to have a parent-child photo, so we went with that. I started cracking up when I was sitting in the middle and they had my parents put their hands on my shoulders like I was an "only child". It just didn't seem right. Then, my mom says "this is so cheesy" to which the photographer responded "well, then put your arm down, do whatever you want, I don't care." I'll just say my dad had a hay day with this on the walk home. Then, the photographer decided to do a picture of just my parents...and then a couple of "just me". The first pose actually had me sort of like the one at the top of my blog with my arms crossed. The second one, he had me put my left foot out and my hands on my hips. (I'm laughing as I type this!) As I am waiting for him to take the picture, my dad mumbles "Christian singles dot com" and I about lose it!

We had basically decided that we weren't going to buy anything because it was only a partial family photo. However, we got a "free" one since it was for the directory, however you had to pay $10 to get it touched up (and why would we NOT do that?!). While the lady was showing us all the pictures, I kept saying stuff like "eww, I look TERRIBLE in that one". And, she was like "well, you are going to be all NEGATIVE about everything...your opinion doesn't really count anyway" and turned to my parents (maybe she didn't know how OLD I was...or just didn't care!). She also had to ask us to "focus" a couple times. It was REALLY funny and we laughed the whole way home! The picture of me didn't actually turn out that bad, so we did get some wallets. I will definitely plan to scan that when it comes in (she asked if I wanted a 30 x 40 of it, but I decided that may be a little out of my price range...and, the whole idea of having a life-sized photo of myself...not good!). I can't believe that I got my picture taken by myself AND decided to buy some. FUNNY!

So, today had quite a lot of laughs, which was great! I am definitely enjoying my days off this week, although it would have been good to have gotten a LITTLE housework done! I guess there is still tomorrow :o)

Good night!

I Love October!

October is my favorite month (and I started writing this at my "favorite time"!). I just scrolled through my posts from last October and will probably link back to some of them as this month goes on...it is interesting and fun to look back at what was going on a year ago (one of the reasons I enjoy keeping a diary/journaling/blogging!). Last year I wrote I Love Fall which is why this one had to be called I love OCTOBER :o) (that, and I really DO love October!)

This morning, on my way to get my hair trimmed (by my sister...it needed it VERY badly!), I stopped at a coffee shop. I picked her up a white chocolate mocha, but got myself a pumpkin spice latte and some pumpkin bread to celebrate the first day of October :o) She and I had a nice visit while she cut my hair and then we went out to lunch (eating was definitely a theme today...I need to do some sort of exercise tomorrow!). It was really fun to hang out with my sister! We don't do that very often. And, even though she doesn't do it for a living any more, she gives the BEST hair cuts! :o) My "plan" is to continue growing my hair until I can donate it to Locks of Love . I did it a few years ago and should scan the "before" and "after" pictures some time (that was before I had a digital camera). I am also waiting until then to color my hair, even though I am "dying" to go red since it has been a while, but guess I can "suffer" having my natural hair color for a while longer since it is for a good cause!

I went to a consignment children's store on my way home from lunch. I got a couple things, but they didn't have the kind of car seat I wanted (I ended up getting that tonight). I also stopped at a Christian Bookstore I'd never been to. I have a "thing" with books and cards and the stores that sell them. I could spend hours and hours in those places (and spend LOTS and LOTS of money!). I did end up buying a card, a book from the "Singles" section that looks interesting (I wanted to buy all of them, but bought the one on sale!), and a couple CD's. (It was a two-CD pack of Selah CD's for TEN dollars...that is, 5 dollars a CD...I couldn't pass that up!)

I "chilled" at home for a while before meeting up with my high school friend and her son for dinner (I said that eating was a big part of the day!). Interestingly enough, when I was scrolling through last year's October posts, I found a picture of him here . He was just as fun and happy tonight at dinner, and even smiled for a photo. My friend said he "NEVER" smiles for her when they want to take pictures...that's a 2-year-old for you!

Well, I forgot to do a few things for my meeting when I was at work on Monday, so need to go early tomorrow to finish preparing. I stayed up WAY too late last night (I guess that's what happens when you take a nap at 5:30 in the evening...), but didn't sleep TOO much today, so maybe I have my sleep schedule back on track :o) Tomorrow I'm going out to lunch with another friend...I REALLY need to do something to balance out all this eating!

Good night!

My Turn?

Well, I hope my fingers are ready to type because it has been QUITE a day! I actually came up with the idea for this post earlier this afternoon and then the day just kind of happened (this is actually very "ironic" once you realize what I was thinking about when I decided to title this "my turn?"!)

So, Kristy named the blog for her upcoming Bible Study "Be Still and Know". Then Emily writes this post that left me thinking she has the words that I have trouble finding (of course, Emily ALWAYS has the words, but this had me nodding my head "yes, yes, yes again"!). That then, reminded of this prayer I was given earlier this year (can't EXACTLY remember where)...
LET YOUR GOD LOVE YOU
Be silent.
Be still.
Alone. Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
He knows.
He understands.
He loves you with
An enormous love.
He only wants to
Look upon you
With His Love.
Quiet.
Still.
Be.

Let your God--
Love you.

And THEN, just in case I DIDN'T see any kind of pattern, the Psalm in my daily prayer book was, yes "Psalm 46"...as in, Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God"...yeah, that one.

So, after I went and worked out (first time in 12 days...I don't think that is too helpful!), I came home, sat on the couch, and stared off into space for a LONG time. Somehow, I do NOT think that is what all that meant. So, I decided to take a bath. It was there that I decided I would write a journal about being still and how I would start it...yeah, not so much "being still" (if it was Monday, I could have written an "I did NOT spend my "being still" moments planning a post about how I needed to spend some time "being still"..." for "Not Me! Monday" over at this page ). During that still-turned-planning moment, I decided that I would do the agenda for my meeting on Thursday after my bath, and then take a walk (which would be another moment alone...possibly to be still?!).

The rest of the day was filled with inspiring, random, odd, crazy things that I NEVER could have anticipated...

My mom had given me two coupons to a fast-food place for free burgers with a large drink. I decided that if I WALKED there, it would be okay. (Plus I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was 3:00 by then, so it was breakfast, lunch AND dinner!) The coupons expired today, so I gave my extra to the girl behind the counter and asked if she would let another customer use it. I was nearly done eating when I saw an older couple get out of their car. The gentleman was wearing a mask and had a walker. He also was wearing a "Donate Life" pin and it looked like the car had out-of-state plates. I hurried up to the counter to see if the girl had already given away the coupon. She said no, so I told her to give it to that couple if they wanted it. I stuck around a little while and heard the woman tell her husband about the coupon that was left. (She thought it was one of the other customers which made it even better!) I stopped by their table on my way out to hear their "transplant story". The gentleman received a heart transplant on July 1, and was having his three-month post-transplant biopsy tomorrow. They had wonderful things to say about my hospital and it was SO great to share with them how much I love that place too :o)

My sister is going to give me a hair cut tomorrow, so I stopped by the drug store on my walk home and picked up a gift card (I'm going to bring her coffee and probably a roll or something too...). I called my mom and told her the story of her coupon...she liked that!

I had a headache and felt REALLY tired which was annoying considering I slept well,had a VERY lazy morning, and rarely get headaches, but I took some medicine and decided to take a nap.

I was nearly asleep when my cell phone rang. It was an unfamiliar number, but I answered anyway. It was a woman who just recently moved here from Boston with her husband and four-year-old son. She was trying to get acclimated and looking to find a baby-sitter. Apparently, a woman at her church gave her my number and said I would be "really good" since I am a pediatric nurse. She thought the woman's name was "Carolyn", but I really wasn't sure I KNEW anyone by that name, have never been to that church, NO clue. So, not only was I out of sorts from being almost asleep, I was completely confused as to how this woman found me. But, she sounded nice enough :o) so I agreed to go there next week to meet her and her son. (Then, after trying to go back to sleep, I was thinking that MAYBE there is a lady who works out at Curves by that name. Not exactly sure how she would have gotten my phone number, but my friend who works at Curves is going to do some "investigating" for me...craziness!)

Then, a little while longer into my nap, my HOUSE phone rang. The blood bank wants my platelets because they are helping the hospitals here AND the ones in Texas that are still having trouble keeping full after the hurricanes. Okay, fine, I can help with this...I scheduled that for Friday. And THEN, I got yet another call (good nap!) that was some kind of survey that I wasn't able to do because I wasn't between the ages of 18 and 24, over the age of 65, or male. Okay, back to sleep.

No wonder, then, that I left for my Bible study 5 minutes before the time I wanted to BE at the Bible study and live more like 20 minutes away, and wasn't for sure I knew exactly where it was. The whole way there, I kept having to tell myself not to be mad at the red lights or other drivers because it was MY FAULT, and my fault ALONE that I did not give myself enough time! Of course, I missed my turn otherwise I would have gotten there exactly at 7, but 7:05 isn't TOO bad. There were two chairs and one spot on a four-person couch left. One of the women on the couch said I could sit there...and then she realized she knew me! I went to grade school with her daughter, but haven't even SEEN her since then (fourteen years?!). I didn't know anyone else, and I was the only one who didn't go to that church. I also figure I am probably at LEAST eight years younger than the next youngest person (she has kids ranging from 9 months to 12 years, so that's my guess, although I suppose it would be possible for someone my age to have a 12-year-old), and maybe a little over half are of retirement age/older. It seemed like a pretty even split of men and women, with half the group being couples and the rest "flying solo". So, a pretty diverse group, which should make for good sharing/conversation. Tonight, we watched a really long (but interesting) video about Paul's missionary travels spreading Christianity here, there, and everywhere (years and years and thousands of miles). The next six weeks are going to be SO great and I'm really excited!

When I got home, I watched my tape of The Biggest Loser (while I ate my ice cream and cried). Now, it is actually after 12:30, so I really need to head to bed. So, the whole "learning to be still" is DEFINITELY a work in progress, but at least I know I'm not alone!

What a day, what a day :o) Good night!

Monday, Monday

Oh, Mondays! EVERYBODY'S favorite day of the week! Lucky for me, THIS Monday was kind of like my "Friday" since I have four days off before I work again :o) However, it felt like a Monday for most of the day, but by 8:30 when I (finally) clocked out, it was TGIF! I'm outta here!

Wow, how's THAT for the beginning of a post! I guess that's what a 13 1/2 hour shift does to me :o) Oh how happy I was that I got a nice, quiet, full 30 minute lunch break before all the craziness hit! True lunch breaks are hard to find in the nursing world, so I felt VERY lucky at that point in the day!!

I mentioned some of what happened today to one of my friends who is also a nurse. Basically, it was because we feel so accountable for the care of our patients that we end up staying longer than absolutely necessary. In my case, I was giving chemo to a patient and it was going to be done pretty close to 7:30. However, the timing could have been off by 5 or 10 minutes and someone really needed to be near the patient to make sure it finished the way it was supposed to. So, I figured I would be there late because that would have been really "crappy" to pass that on to the next shift (especially since I knew how I had calculated rates, etc., so it was one of those things that I wanted to make sure was done correctly). One of my other patients transferred up from the PICU after being there for like three months. Therefore, I needed to actually show the next nurse all that was involved with this complex patient (I also had to take a bunch of orders over the telephone at 7:00 that I felt I needed to complete before I left). So, it wasn't exactly a CRAZY Monday, just busier than my last few shifts and a lot longer than I like to stay at work! I suppose I have been asking for "less slow" days at work, so I got one :o)

I actually "facebook chatted" with three friends at the same time for a little while tonight. It reminded me of doing "Instant Messenger" in college (although I think I was a lot better at it then...I'm a little out of practice!). My friend in California has made reservations for my "birthday dinner". I am getting so excited about this trip, that I actually made a "countdown"! It looks kind of silly counting down less than 3 weeks, but it works!

I haven't talked to my friend, but she and the baby were to fly home yesterday. Her nephew will be buried tomorrow, so I am sure prayers are appreciated.

Good night.

September Sunburn?!

Seriously, who would have thought?! I really thought that fall had arrived and was REALLY excited. Yesterday it was quite warm, but today it HAD to be in the mid 80's which is "dangerously" close to "summer hot" in my opinion. Thank goodness for a little shade and the occasional breeze or my five hours of work outside would have felt like fifty (or at least fifteen!). Being outside in hot weather is really not my thing, but at least I occasionally had some cool people to talk to. And, of course I saw LOTS of cute (and healthy!) kids. No "naughty" kid stories to share from today (maybe they knew it was Sunday so they needed to be on their best behavior!) By the way, I DID put sunscreen on my face and wore a hat, but didn't think about coming out with "lobster arms" at the end of the day!

I'm working at the hospital tomorrow, but then I am off until SATURDAY! It is sure to be a "Monday" because "all" Mondays are :o) However, with the attitude that I can do ANYTHING for one day, I should be able to make it! I do actually have some fun things planned for the rest of the week :o)

Well, it is only like 9:30, but I don't have much else to write. I suppose that, since this is my house and I'm a "grown up", there isn't a rule that I have to stay up until 11. In fact, after two full days in the outdoors, it probably wouldn't hurt to get a little extra sleep :o)

Good night!

Sunny Day

This is where I spent six hours of the day.

My job...make sure everyone follows "the rules" and hope no one gets hurt! Of course, I AM a nurse, but there is only so much I know how to do outside the hospital setting! :o) It was GORGEOUS day (look at that blue sky!) I guess if for nothing else than that, I was glad to be there rather than stuck inside at the hospital (where I would have made more than twice as much in bonus pay alone, but that's beside the point, right?!). One of my work friends actually brought her daughter and chatted with me for quite a while which helped make the time go faster. Most of the day, there was a second person there with me. I had him take the "older kid" pillow and I took the "little kid" one. I don't think I had to tell a kid twice that they were not allowed to do cartwheels, somersaults, or flips. Throwing sand, on the other hand...one ornery little three-year-old boy told me I was "mean" and gave me some ugly looks (later we ended up playing together although he ALSO enjoyed pouring sand on my shoes...his mom told him it was time to go after he told me he was going to tell his dad on me, and when I asked what he was going to say, he said "to tell him to kill you"...nice...VERY long day outside for him!), then, there was the little girl about the same age who looked me in the eye when I asked her to not throw sand as she did it again (and again). I did tell her that if she didn't stop, I was going to have to find her mom (although, considering later the same kid was bouncing shirtless because "she was hot", so I'm not sure if that would have done much good!). The mommy moment of the day, though, came as I watched this mom with her young toddler get near the power cords, compressor, etc. I didn't THINK I needed to run over there and keep them away. It wasn't until she was letting the kid PLAY with the cord that I said "um, could you NOT let him touch that..." Seriously, that cord was what was keeping the thing all blown up...plus you know, the whole risk of electrocution... Wow! However, three stories during a six-hour day with TONS of different kids/families isn't that bad! I get to go back for more tomorrow :o) (My legs and feet are sore...I don't think I did that much standing and walking around during the past two days working 12-hour shifts! Plus, I guess walking in sand is a little different anyway!)

That pretty much sums up the day. This morning I slept in, and took a long hot bath :o) I purchased the third flight of my October vacation, so it is all set!

Good night!

A Time

I was pretty much still asleep when I read the daily scripture passage from my little prayer book. I remembered it was one of the more "famous" passages from Ecclesiastes, but that's nearly all I took from it. So, I decided I should "probably" revisit it this evening when I was more awake. (As it turns out, Ecclesiastes 3: 1-3, 10-11, which is not long at all, but with eyes half open, well...)

The reflection part says "As famous as this passage is, it is only after the 'a time for...' phrases that the meaning comes clear, when it says 'He has made everything beautiful in its time...' (Ecclesiastes 3:11)...The transcendent is in the heart; this is not something we have earned or gained, rather it is that we are made in the image of God, who is transcendence itself...there is an appropriate time for everything, but in the center of our existence there is no time, simply existence...through good and bad there is a sensitivity and a quiet, joyful hope that allows you to go on."

Hmm, my brain hasn't been functioning well enough for at LEAST a week, so I don't think I will be able to do this reflection justice. Time, though, I DO know a bit about time. Most people seem to not have enough of it, I know I often don't use mine very wisely, I enjoy my sleeping time, when I think about my upcoming birthday, I wonder where the time went, I realize that a little time with special people have been enough to change my life...

Pretty good day at work...can't really complain :o) This weekend I am going to work at my "fun job" (even though if I hasn't committed to working at my "fun job", I could have worked an extra bonus shift on my floor...oh well, sometimes you have to "sacrifice" money for fun and keeping your commitments...)

Again, there is my attempt at an intelligent post, although I am still sticking to the words of others to help me...maybe NEXT week, I'll actually have something to say (but then, would I have to CHANGE the name of my blog?! hmm, I'd better rethink that!)

As always, there are lots of folks in need of prayers out there :o) If "you" are one of them, I have you covered :o)
Good night!

Sticking to the Theme

Which, this week seems to be songs and reminiscing... Plus, I am really tired and should be headed to bed, so this is an "easy" post (and one that doesn't force me to do any "soul-searching" about what's really going on with me...save that for another day!)

This would be another song from my "iPod". It also reminds me of high school. (As "you" may have noticed, I have many fond memories of high school!) I actually think this one is a mostly a sophomore or junior year memory. We used to take turns leading prayers in religion class. The teacher couldn't REALLY tell us to keep our prayers short, so often people would pick a song to play (that also meant that we were allowed to close our eyes and get comfy while we listened!) Nothing like getting out of doing work (or catching a short nap) any way you can! Anyway, LOTS of people chose to play this song sung by Alabama.

Angels Among Us
I was walking home from school on a cold winter day.
Took a shortcut through the woods, and I lost my way.
It was getting late, and I was scared and alone.
But then a kind old man took my hand and led me home.
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there.
And I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers.

Chorus:
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with a light of love.

When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.

Chorus

They wear so many faces, show up in the strangest places.
To guide us with their mercy, in our time of need.

Chorus

To guide us with a light of love.

Oh how I have been blessed with SO many "angels" in this life. So many friends who know exactly what to say, or allow me to ramble on and on and on even when it is about nothing at all... Strangers who have lifted me up in prayer on the tough days or gave me that smile I needed to make it through the day. There is SO much more I could write about this, but I am not getting any less tired :o)

Good night (possibly a post without a song tomorrow...possibly yes, possibly no!)

Circle of Mercy

For a "public" venue, I have been able to maintain some anonymity, and it is mostly still my "private journal". That in itself is kind of interesting, but I wasn't really sure when I started blogging if it would be any different/or if I would actually want it to be anything but that. In the past week or so, the number of hits to my site has nearly doubled (making it like 10 a day...ha ha!). Most of those people have linked to this post I wrote a year ago. Unfortunately for them, it probably wasn't exactly what they were hoping to find...I didn't exactly give very much useful information! However, it was REALLY neat for me to see people from Guam, Australia, and New Zealand, and everywhere from California to New York in the United States doing searches about this day. This day is SO special to me and to know that it is also special to people around the globe as well just warms my heart.

I requested today off so I would be able to attend the festivities at my alma meter. At the end of liturgy, I was asked (along with two other alums) to speak to the students and share what this day means to me. I was able to find some words to share with these girls (who seemed to think I was ancient when I said I graduated in 1998!). The mission of our foundress carried out in that school played a huge role in making me the person I am today. It really is a special place, and it was wonderful to be able to spend the day with others who treasure its meaning and mission.

There are a couple songs that are "standards" to the celebration. One of them I have mentioned before ( here ), and the other is actually called "Circle of Mercy" and really spoke to me today. Lately, I seem to have no idea what is going on, so this was a really good feeling. I may be dazed and confused about my place, and His plans, but these words do seem to speak to what is in my heart. I feel like I am struggling, but have no idea why. It actually feels like I am creating issues that do not need to be there, and it feels different than the other times I have been clueless...who knows! Anyway, I definitely needed today. That I know for sure!

Circle of Mercy
In Mercy, we touch the hearts of those who are in misery.
In Mercy, we're touched by them and feel their strength and courage.
In Mercy, we heal the pain of those who are in sorrow.
In Mercy, we're healed by them and see the face of hope.

Refrain:
For the circle of Mercy is timeless: it is spirit of life itself, which roots us in faith, and lifts us in hope, and holds us in God's loving care, and holds us in God's loving care.

In Mercy, we welcome those the world has left rejected.
In Mercy, we're drawn within the loving heart of God.
In Mercy, we forgive the incompleteness in another.
In Mercy, our sins are healed and we are whole again.

Refrain

In Mercy, the spirit-faith will root us in God's presence.
In Mercy, the spirit-hope will lift us out of doubt.
In Mercy, the love of God will be our joy in living.
In Mercy, we join with one another on our journey.

Refrain

Well, I am off to have dinner with the baby and his mom. She is planning to travel this weekend to be with her family. Please pray that the baby stays healthy so this is possible, and that she will not have to worry about his health along with everything else.

**8:30 update to add...pictures of "the baby"! He is looking SO good and SO happy! My friend and I had a really good visit. It was very nice to spend some time with her, and both of us "Chatty Cathy's" were given good opportunities to practice our "listening skills" :o) (We teased each other about that, so I can write that!)**

I got a smile!

What are you talking about lady?!

Place In This World

I'm not sure why, but this song keeps playing in my head. Of course, it is one of the "random" songs on my iPod, but it has actually been quite a few days since it has played (there are about 300 songs in there, so quite a bit of time passes in between "repeats"). I remember it bringing me to tears at my "8th Grade Retreat". I had always been a "likeable person", but often struggled when it came to feeling like I "belonged". At that moment, I was about to leave behind many of those I had known for what seemed like my whole life. These words really spoke to me as I wondered what God had in store for me. High school was to be a big step, but I was determined to find my place, even deciding to try and make ALL new friends. Again, finding "my place" was a struggle, but I did come away with a few really good friends. The whole "belonging thing" continues to be a struggle to this day. While I have some AMAZING people in my life, I keep hearing these words and wonder...

I will let these words do the rest of my talking for the night...especially since, as written in my previous post, words have been hard to come by these days...



Place In This World
Michael W. Smith
The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled
A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems
Feels like I'm

Chorus:
Looking for a reason
Roaming through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me
Hear me asking
Where do I belong
Is there a vision
That I can call my own
Show me I'm

Chorus

P.S. If you actually know me, take a close look at the video about two minutes in...now THAT gave me chills.
Good Night.

At a loss for words

That's kind of been my mantra the past few days. I have been having a tough time finding words, especially those to help my hurting friends. Now, I won't pretend that I am a gifted writer, but usually I can find some kind of way to express what is in my heart that makes some sense. Not so these days. Maybe it is because there are NO words...but it has been frustrating for me to feel so helpless.

Today is the 22nd. The 22nd has always been a special day for me because I am a "super nerd" (my "favorite time" is 10:22...NERDY! I mean WHO has a "favorite time"?). The past couple months it has taken on another meaning for me. While I am still celebrating another month closer to my birthday/another month celebrating living another month, I remember the little one who only saw one day, the 22nd, and his family who misses him every day, but especially on the 22nd. I would definitely have to say that today was not one of my favorite "22nds".

Work was okay. I did not sleep well last night at all (I can't believe I didn't write a journal post, but I was awake until midnight as it was). I took a long nap yesterday, so that probably didn't help with the whole sleeping thing. Early/mid-afternoon I got VERY crabby and annoyed and was unsure how I was going to make it through the shift. Then, I finally got lunch and all was well (yay for food, but still, no excuses for being crabby at work, especially when working with people who are WAY worse off than you! Perspective is everything, right?!)

I admitted a new little baby who came from another state to get evaluated for a transplant. One of the many roads I would never wish on another person. While I would definitely say that this baby has come to the right place for treatment, not everyone who enters those doors live long "normal" lives. Of course, being able to have the chance to help these families in their time of "crisis" is why I do what I do, why I love what I do. However, it is always a little sad when you see such sick kids and wonder if "we" will be able to help them.

This afternoon, I was catching up on how the baby was doing when I noticed his mom updated his web site. The baby is doing great, unfortunately his cousin passed away this afternoon. My friend had written on her page exactly a month ago, August 22, that her nearly 5-year-old nephew had been hit by a car. There hadn't been any updates and the couple times I asked about him, she didn't have any updates. Apparently, he had been making slow progress, but seemed to be improving. Today, she wrote: "If you recall, [he] was hit by a drunk driver while riding his Big Wheel in his neighborhood. I received word that [he] went to be with our Lord this afternoon after his heart failed. Apparently, the damage to his heart was much more severe than we knew and when his heart stopped this afternoon they could not revive him. Please pray for my sister, and her husband and his brothers and sisters." I called my friend soon after I read this. Currently, she is basically "stuck" here with the baby because he hasn't been healthy long enough to be discharged back to home. Right now, they are unsure where the funeral will be, but I think "the team" will agree that she needs to be there for her sister and family (even if they leave and then come back). She will not be able to get this time back and it is really important to be there. I imagine there are going to be some really tough emotions, especially considering the baby has been on the brink of death more than once, but by the grace of God is living and enjoying every minute of his little life. Just as many prayers were said, just as many pleas to God to save their son, but today was the day he was to go to Heaven anyway...

Please pray for my friends and their families as they deal with their extra struggles of today. There is no promise that tomorrow will be any easier, so prayers for all their "tomorrows" as well. I'd also appreciate a prayer or two for me to find my words (or, help in understanding that sometimes it is okay to not have them...)

Well, this seems like kind of a "downer" post, but really it isn't. I know that I am so blessed that God puts all these amazing people in my life. I learn a lot by listening, so maybe it is okay not to speak (or write) every once in a while! (Good reminder!) Listening is good :o) What I know for sure is that you cannot survive these types of life-altering experiences without faith.

Good night.

P.S. I am actually posting this at "10:22"...very appropriate (especially considering I started writing it at "9:01"...)

Thumb Twiddling

Is a GREAT new skill I have learned! It is SO awful to write these words, because I'm sure there will come a day soon that I will wish I was practicing it, but that was my day today. Either I am REALLY good at handling patient assignments these days, or I've lucked out with easy ones the past few days. I PROMISE I am not complaining (remember, sometimes , I am just "hard to please!"). It is GREAT to take care of patients who are getting better, and AWESOME to take care of kids whose parents are there to help take care of them. And, I suppose if more than one out of the three of my patients had parents who learned English first, then I would have found more ways to occupy my time by "chatting" with the moms.


As it turned out, the most bored nurse of the day also got out the latest. Kind of stinky, but that's how it goes sometimes.


When I got off, I had a text message from my sister (and a voice mail). She was "reminding me" that she was going out for her birthday tonight. I'm pretty sure that was the first I'd heard of any "partying" going on, but I quickly went home and changed and me them there. It was a really fun time! I guess I did go out for "ladies night" less than two weeks ago, but it felt like it had been a while since I went and hung out.

Cousins

Sisters

They were going to go out after we left that place, but I headed home. I called a couple of my friends during the drive home, but got voicemails. Two of them ended up calling me back and it was fun talking to my friends (especially since I am just SURE they were laughing at me in my slightly inebriated state). We discussed my California vacation plans, so they were VERY productive conversations! I am getting really excited about that, especially since it is less than a month away now.

Well, it is after midnight and I have to look presentable before 8:30, so I should head to bed. Good night!

How is it...

that I had three days off and felt SO well-rested and after working one day I feel like I could sleep for another three?! That is SO wrong! :o) I was busy for a while this morning, then I sat and stared at the computer for extended periods of time (hmm, sounds like what I do when I'm at HOME...I suppose I shouldn't complain about being able to "chill out" for a while at work!). After lunch, it seemed my brain left the building. I forgot to draw labs when they were supposed to be drawn, was a little late giving meds, let tube feeding bags run dry...it was c-razy. Of course, not really "mistakes", but it was like I lost all sense of organization. (Typically, I am MUCH more organized at work than I am at home!)

That was pretty much it. My one patient I took care of the past few times I worked moved to a different room. The nurse who had her yesterday worked today, so I had to take different patients, but that was kind of a nice change.

I had dinner with my parents after work, and then visited with my mom for a while.

When I came home, I tried to send what could have been a simple email, but my fingers would not type what was in my heart/head. (Maybe since my brain left the building this afternoon...hopefully it will return to me in my sleep!) It was rather annoying, actually, because I'm just stubborn enough that I wouldn't have been able to go to bed without sending it even if it took all night (thankfully I managed to type a few sentences that I believe make sense!).

Well, that pretty much illustrates that I need to go to bed. So, good night. Back to work tomorrow.

No Shower Day

I didn't set OUT for a lazy, "no shower day", but the morning turned to afternoon that became late afternoon and evening, so I just decided to forget about it! Occasionally I wish I lived somewhere where that was "okay", but not really. In case anyone is wondering, I didn't go anywhere except to work out and to the dollar store, so I kept any possible "stinkiness" to myself :o)

I actually was pretty lazy today, and spent the majority of the day on my couch. I did go outside and read for a while which was really nice (the weather AND the reading!) I did a little bit of organizing and cleaning, but probably not enough to really call it "productive".

I did do a bit of "socializing" today, so wasn't a complete hermit! I talked to a friend from Curves who had surgery on Tuesday. I didn't make it to the hospital to visit her, but she said that was okay (she wouldn't have remembered anyway!). I will probably try to go visit her at home in the next week or two since she will not be able to go back to work for a while. I called a friend from work and we made plans for lunch in a couple weeks. That will be really nice. I've been praying a lot for her and so far things have been going well. I also called one of my aunts. I wrote a bit about her here last August when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her first surgery a year ago yesterday and is doing well. My mom sent her flowers from our family yesterday (I'm not the only one in the family who remembers special dates like that!)

I'm headed back to work tomorrow. I think I am ready to go back. I had a few really good days of rest and am a little tired of being at home.

A few of my "blog friends" are in need of extra prayers tonight. Please keep them and their families in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks!

The baby was discharged from the hospital on Monday. After being VERY sick on the ventilator for weeks during this admission, this is AMAZING! Praying he continues to do well so he can be on his way back home to be reunited with his family, and all those back home who have been praying for him.

Good night. (Wow, having a little "technical difficulties"...I posted this three times and didn't even think it went once...I re-typed the whole thing and didn't even need to...craziness!)

A Little Progress

I considered titling this post "Making Progress", but that sounded a little familiar. And, for good reason, since about fifteen months ago, that's what I called this post . I actually went back and read it and found it rather funny. Some things have changed, but others definitely have not! I still would be a REALLY bad roommate, still trying to clean the clutter, still get excited whenever I get a comment, still wondering how my grass is green...ok, so not much has changed!!

I didn't have to work today, but managed to get myself out of bed by 9:30 to mow the lawn. Good thing, since it got hot this afternoon (crazy considering a couple nights ago, I was cold with a jacket and long sleeves!) I managed to get a bit of organizing done, but have plenty to do tomorrow if I so desire!

I ran a couple errands, and ended up having to take a detour to a service station after discovering a flat tire. I stopped at a gas station nearby to fill it with air and then hoped I could make it to the neighborhood service station. I did and they found a nail (the second nail hole they have had to fill in that tire...oops!). As annoying as this was, the situation could have been a WHOLE lot worse! Last night I was driving on the freeway in an unfamiliar area at night. The tire didn't blow then. I was off and having a leisurely day, so it wasn't a big deal to have to stop and take care of this. I wasn't rushing to get to work or somewhere else when being delayed is not a good thing. It's all about perspective :o)

I sat outside for a little while reading (I need to do that again tomorrow because it was really nice!) and waiting for my mom. I asked her to "stop by" on her way home from work so she could pick up a few things of hers and some things for my sister. I also wanted her to take a look at my hallway painting and help me with the front door.

This is the front door that got a fresh coat of white paint last week. I needed to do that so I could put the "Welcome" on it. I think it looks nice, even though I won't see it much since I typically enter and exit my house through the garage. "All" of my guests will see it though :o)

Earlier today, there was SO much stuff on my couch that there was barely room for me to sit. It has been like that for WAY too long! This isn't great, but it is a definite improvement (I had to save SOMETHING for tomorrow, right?!). Some of the piles on the table are ready to be filed.

The "Welcome" on my front door is from a really cool company called "Uppercase Living". My cousin just started selling it and I LOVE it! I made really nice, inexpensive Christmas gifts for my friends from their stuff last year. And, I have a couple more of their items hanging in my house. My mom just had a party last Friday. I didn't buy anything then because I was too indecisive, but will definitely be making more purchases. It is SO easy, and not very expensive decoration. The above picture is in my kitchen above my dishwasher.

This is above the door as you are exiting my guest room into the hallway (photo taken BEFORE the hallway painting). Once I get my office/scrapbooking room organized, I will definitely get something to put in there.

I also did a little organizing in my bathroom, but that wasn't QUITE ready for a photo! Tomorrow I need to go back to the dollar store for some more bins.

I spent an hour and a half or so after my mom left talking to a friend on the phone. That was really nice! Definitely something different, and DEFINITELY more enjoyable than the sitting on the couch watching TV and staring at the computer that I would have done (I watched the first episode of "The Biggest Loser" that I taped from last night...I totally would not survive if I was on that show...I don't know how those people can do it, because I KNOW I couldn't and I don't feel like I am completely out of shape!)

Well, it is late, so I should head to bed (I need to try and keep my sleep/wake schedule under better control this week because last week I was a MESS!). Good night!

Sleep is Gooood!

I slept in this morning, and then took quite a long nap this afternoon. I'm still feeling pretty sleepy, but MUCH better! I was either sleeping or not at home for most of the day, so didn't have time for tears, or to even think about them really.

My dad and I went to the Zoo. It was a BEAUTIFUL day (a little warm for the long-sleeves my dad and I decided to wear, but we survived!). He had been wanting to go for a long time, especially since they got a new butterfly exhibit this spring. It never worked out this summer, but both of us were off today, so we went. We visited quite a few exhibits/animals neither of us had seen in a while, so it was really fun. After the zoo, we went and had lunch. He also helped me with one of my light fixtures (gotta love dads!) What a great time!

I did do a couple loads of laundry and ran the dishwasher, but most of the afternoon was spent sleeping on the couch. So, the house is still a wreck, but at least I was not an emotional one today!

I went to a dinner meeting that was really interesting (and neat to be around a different group of people).

I signed up to work a bonus shift tomorrow. I am not sure if I will be needed or not. On one hand, it would be great to make that extra money that will help with my vacation and other expenses. On the other hand, it would be great to have another day to recover, and spend some time on my house, running errands, and sending cards. So, either way will be fine and I'll be ready to go with whatever happens when either the alarm goes off or the phone rings at 5:30!

Yay for a better day! Good night.

Teary Times

The "waterworks" started on Saturday. Yesterday I managed to contain the tears. Today, I almost made it until the end of my shift...but not quite...

On Saturday afternoon, when I had a few minutes to sit in between errands, church, errands, painting, I sat at the computer as I pretty much do whenever I am at home relaxing. I was scrolling through some old blog posts on my new found friend "Google reader" and the tears just started flowing. Tears for someone I have never met. Tears for someone I will probably never meet. Tears because all I wanted to do at that moment was give her a great big hug. Tears because that wasn't possible. Tears because crying for a "stranger" is hard to explain and almost feels "not right". Tears because...once they came, they were hard to stop. (After a few deep breaths, a sent email, and the motivation to finish my painting project, they eventually did.)

Yesterday...I was worried about yesterday because I had to go back to work and didn't know if the emotions from Saturday would carry over into Sunday. However, there were enough annoying things going on, plus it was a relatively quiet day, so I was okay. I actually managed to do okay at my friend's house too (really, it was rather fun!). My mind did wander a few times to the person I cried about on Saturday, wondering what it would be like if she could join us/hoping she has friends like this to hang out with...(if you are reading this, I wanted you at The Melting Pot too!) Thankfully, the tears stayed where I wanted them to (out of sight, almost out of mind).

Today. Today was a crazy Monday at work. It was "wild" for a while, but some of the more crazy things that were supposed to happen didn't, but the anticipation had everyone "on edge". This computer thing definitely has a learning curve, and everyone is in a different place on it. The day felt SO long and I was counting down the minutes until I could go home. It was nearly 5:00 when I decided I needed to walk away. My emotions were getting the best of me, and my boss has chocolate in her office. I was hoping she hadn't left for the day (chocolate fixes everything, right?!). Her door was closed, but she happened to be in the educator's office next door (who had chocolate too). Evidently, she could tell I was near tears. I tried to be strong, but she wouldn't let it go. Opening my mouth allowed the tears to spill out and there was no way to fight them. She pretty much forced me to talk about what was going on. I suppose that is a good thing although I REALLY didn't want to cry at work!

So, what got me today has probably been building for a while...maybe even before the "disappointment" I wrote about last Monday ("California Here I Come") that got my emotions going. I WAS able to take care of that patient the past four times I worked. The one day I had off, my inconsiderate co-workers gave her to a nurse who was not a good fit (good nurse, not good "fit" for this family and the situation). This child is not getting any better. In fact, the thinking is she is getting worse. The "prognosis" is not that great. Much of the time she feels miserable. She does give me occasional smiles. And, she ALWAYS gives me one of her stickers before I leave, almost like a "thank you" for being her nurse (apparently not many nurses get stickers, especially not one a day!) Melts my heart (and tears to my eyes of course). The moment that forced me to take a chocolate break was seeing the sadness in her grandmother's eyes as she helped her to the bathroom. I don't think there is any "worse" about it, but it CANNOT be any easier to see your daughter watching her daughter feel miserable. I had to leave. And, it is probably good that I cried. My manager was so unbelievably supportive of me in this moment that it made me want to cry even more. This is going to be a rough road. I suppose I have chosen to be on it, but I will not be able to do it alone.

I pulled myself together enough to finish the shift (I actually got rather "punchy" and joked my way through the rest of it, but it worked I guess).

Tomorrow...marks one year since this little boy took his last breath. For nearly four years he fought to stay here. He touched many lives during that time. I spent a lot of time with his sisters while he was in the hospital.

In all of my disorganization, I have been slacking in my card-sending. In the past, I have been really good at sending cards at significant times like birthdays and anniversaries to families of patients who have passed away. I meant to do that one of my days off last week, but didn't make it the priority I should have. I also have notes to send to a couple families who will celebrate the first birthdays of their daughters in heaven this month. It makes me sad that these cards will be late, but I guess maybe they aren't "expected", so it will be special whenever they arrive...at least I hope that is how it works.
____________________________________________________

So, this post has taken me nearly two hours to write. The portion below, I actually wrote first. I probably should just delete it and "call it good", but then again, there could be a reason I wrote them in the first place...and that is why I am leaving these crazy, out-of-place words.

Now, I will admit to being an emotional person who is easily brought to tears. (In fact, earlier this year, I "allowed" one of my friends to read my blog and her response was "Wow, you cry a lot!") However, I feel like in recent months I have at least been able to keep the crying portion of my emotions down to a minimum, especially when I am not alone. People used to kind of tease me at work about crying there (not in a mean way, really, just pointing out that it happened to me more than anyone else). One of the charge nurses used to say to me "there is no crying at work!" (in the tone of "there's no crying in baseball" quote from a great movie...)

I have never really sat down and analyzed when or why these tears come. Of course, it is "easy" when things like the death of a patient occur. And, I am sure hormones have their role. I will not try to figure things out this time either, but believe that "talking it through" will help.

• I COMPLETELY screwed up my sleep/wake schedule by staying up for nearly 24 hours, sleeping in, staying up late, getting up early, staying up late, getting up early...sleep is my friend, and I have been a not very good friend lately :o)
• Twelve-hour shifts are LONG shifts. I worked four of them in five days. The one day off I had in the middle, I did not use to recover...

(Okay, so I have realized that this post is ALL over the place...however, as mentioned in the two "bullets", I did work a 12-hour shift and was already very tired, so am not about to go back and try to have this make sense to anyone else...it is for myself anyway, right?!)_____________________________________________________

There "you" have it...teary times...crazy writing...I do feel better, although now it is nearly midnight and that won't help my "tiredness". Plus, crying definitely makes you even more tired (says the experienced "crier".) So, to bed with me...good night!

Today's Quote of the Day--"We are the hero of our own story." ~Mary McCarthy--I like that!

It's too late

to write a "real" journal entry tonight. I completely screwed up my sleep schedule by staying up so late Friday night and sleeping in yesterday since I had to go back to work today. I couldn't fall asleep last night (since I had gotten up so late) and then wanted to stay in bed. I'm sure the fact that the past few days have been rather humid and today was kind of chilly (one of those stay under the covers days!) didn't help. Thankfully, it was a pretty slow day (I had two patients all day and had a new nurse working with me...she took one and I had the other, so not bad at all!). Everyone is still getting used to the new charting system and dealing with some of my co-workers has been quite a challenge and definitely testing my patience. I'm not sure I am passing this test like I did with the painting project. I've done quite a lot of venting. It isn't really very nice to talk that way, but I guess that goes to show that, unfortunately, I'm not always that nice. I DID try to be helpful today and came across as judgmental and maybe even rude, so I stopped trying. Wow, what a TERRIBLE attitude! I best be on my way to bed for the sake of all who must work with me tomorrow :O) Good night!

Oh, forgot to mention...I wore my "fashion show" outfit to the birthday party for my friend's son who turns 2 tomorrow. Her husband was outside when I got there. The first thing he said to me was "I like your jeans." How cool is THAT?! Just what this girl needed to hear...aren't friends wonderful?! :o)

Away From Home

That is how I spent most of my day off. I had "high hopes" for today, especially since I work the next two days. However, seeing as I was awake twenty some hours yesterday, I was NOT ready to get up early today and get to work. The baby's mom did call me around 10:15 and aroused me from a deep sleep. We talked for about 10 minutes, but then I slept for over an hour longer. So, I hardly saw the morning, and needed a pot of coffee before I could start my day.

My mom picked me up a little after 1:00 so we could get ready for our 2:00 fashion show. We have done this together at least two times before and it is fun (plus, you get 40% off everything if you participate!). Unfortunately, we didn't do a great job of getting ourselves ready for the camera, and asked a 12-year-old model to photograph us. My mom DID fix her sweater for the "runway" and I got rid of that tag and made it so my cami wasn't showing! It was fun to get dressed up and walk on the red carpet (although, it is a little nerve-wracking for those fifteen seconds where all eyes are on you!).

After the show, we ran some errands and got lunch. I didn't get home until after 4:00. Then, I went to church at 5. I ran some errands of my own, then I HAD to sit on my couch for a little while after all that! I managed to finish painting the hallway, but that was pretty much it for the day. My living room is a DISASTER, but now it will have to wait until at LEAST Monday night since I am going to a party after work tomorrow. Oh well, I guess it has gone this long, so what's a couple more days?! I am glad the painting is done, though, so at least that mess can be cleaned up as well.

I was a bit emotional for a while today too, so I am hoping that doesn't spill into work tomorrow. I have managed to keep the tears away at work for a while and would like that to continue!

Good night!

Late Night or Early Morning?

Either way, I really need to go to bed! I CANNOT believe I am still awake after the day I had at work! It was a long one for sure (and frustrating and annoying, but it is too late to go into any details!). After work, I went to a party my mom was having. That was fun, but I didn't leave until almost 11:00. Considering I was up at 6, that is a pretty long day (and now it is two hours after that!). I don't do well at all on little sleep, so good thing I don't have to go anywhere in the morning!!

Today I heard about the possibility of another contract job with the state. I really enjoyed doing that the last time, and it gave me experience working with foster parents and biological parents. While it isn't the same as having a foster child of my own, at least this way I will remain very close to the system and be able to see myself making a difference. I'll definitely write more about this if it happens! Last weekend I was considering applying for a job to work in a NICU a couple times a month, but this sounds like it could be an even better deal. Definitely keeping the doors open!

Okay, I HAVE to get myself ready for bed! Good night :o)