What to Say

I don't even know what to say, so I haven't said anything (or, rather, written). I'm a "mess". I think that says it best. I talked to Ginger on Skype for over an hour Sunday night and just bawled (poor little one...we had to tell her Ginger was making me laugh really hard!) Earlier in the day, I saw the "guy from church" after church and am afraid I was kind of rude...or at least "short" with him (I also believe I was on Saturday when he called too). Ginger helped me a lot (she looked me in the eye...gotta love Skype!...and instructed me NOT to be mean to the boy!) However, it is Wednesday and I still haven't talked to him. I met with my amazing counselor on Monday afternoon, and again just bawled. She also pointed out that honesty is the way to go and he WILL understand.

My life as I have known it for the past seven months is about to be turned upside down...only I don't know when or how it is going to look...and I have zero control over that (even though I have pointed out that the girls had eight visits the entire month of December with five canceled visits--the teen was off school for 15 days and saw her mom 4 times). I have wanted to talk to the teen to really tell her how much she and her sister have meant to me and my life these past seven months...and let her know that I'm not going anywhere. I also want to tell her that her mom sucks, but that's not really appropriate and she probably already knows ;) However, like with "the boy", I haven't found the right time/place, so have said nothing.

Thank goodness I'm not prone to ulcers, or I would most definitely have one. I am not sure how many times I teared up driving to and from the WIC office this morning, both about the girls and about the conversation I need to have with the boy. You would think that I would just get it over with, but I haven't. As if all of this wasn't enough, the nun who taught me piano and voice passed away at the age of 99 1/2 on Monday night...and one of the "favorite" patients passed away yesterday at the age of 5 1/2.  Plus, I'm in the middle of getting my series of hormone labs drawn with hopes(?) of officially diagnosing me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). That, and I am not sure how many (kindly curious) co-workers asked me about the "dating" yesterday.

It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I suppose I should have titled this "I NEED to Say..." rather than "What" because I know what I need to do, I just don't know how...or don't want to because it is "hard".

I still haven't 100% decided on my "One Word" for 2011...I probably should use commitment or something since I'm obviously struggling with that! However, maybe "trust" is still a good choice...I was going to use "journey" since there was a really good reflection about journey in relation to the Wise Men on Epiphany Sunday last week. I'm still thinking about it though...and then maybe will like to Alece's post...maybe ;)

Alright, I suppose I should play with the little one, but I felt like I should post something here...especially for anyone who looks here, but doesn't read my "tweets" ;)

Prayers are obviously accepted/appreciated as I am on this journey of the unknowns. We have a family team meeting next Wednesday. I'm not sure when the girls' mom's apartment will be ready, but I suppose if there is not to be a "transition", they could go back as early as next week. Personally, I haven't seen any "progress" on her part from the time that the girls first went into care, but what do I know?!

Good night.