I had a counseling appointment at 10:00. This was my fourth visit and she said she got this one and two more approved by my insurance so that is good. I was determined not to cry, since I hadn't really cried since my last visit with her. But, that did not happen (and she told me that I cry "beautifully"...whatever that means!) Obviously, the things she is saying are hitting closer to home than I like to think when I am not sitting there in her office. I am finding that I tend to ignore a lot of things until I cannot any longer and they come out in the form of tears.
Today we talked a bit about "who I am", which has sort of been a recurring theme. Who am I? Well, I am a lot of things, I guess. I do actually like who I am...or at least I think I do. That was one of her challenges to me--to get to know myself, give myself permission to BE who I am. My life needs to become a series of adventures rather than rows of gates (I kind of liked that analogy). Just because my life has not had/does not have the same challenges as those I know and meet does not mean I should beat myself up for being unhappy at times. I need to give myself permission to be happy, AND permission to be sad. I am my own "column". I do not fit into the columns or "statistics". I am an almost 30-year-old single daughter, aunt, sister, niece, granddaughter, friend, nurse... who is (um, crying) finding joy wherever I can. Even though being a mom, being a wife, are doors that remain open, I should not feel the need to defend my happiness for being "me" on my own path that is different than "the majority". And, even though the tears continue to fall, I honestly believe that I am "happy". Not a day goes by that I don't tell someone how much I love the work I am able to do, how grateful I am to feel like I am using the talents God gave me on a regular basis...
I also am honored to hear kind words spoken to me on a regular basis, compliments that sometimes roll off because I am just "doing what I do" with little regard to it being anything "special". But, the "compliments", the appreciation for my "uniqueness", need to come from within...and I am working on that...
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I was going to meet a friend from lunch, but got a phone call from Ginger. I haven't talked to her in a LONG time! We had a really nice visit...AND, as the new countdown at the top of my blog shows, she is going to come SEE me! Oh. My. Goodness. I am SO excited! A couple months ago, we had planned to go to New York this weekend, but it just didn't end up working out (even though my trip to Canada was a "business trip", three vacations in a month would have been nuts!) So, we were all a little bummed. I was planning to come to her neck of the woods in the spring/summer, but that seemed like SO long (time flies and it will be here before we know it!) Then, an opportunity for her to head toward MY neck of the woods came about and it worked out (I still need to find people to work for me, but I'm good at making the tears come...although I doubt it will come to that!)
Then, I was supposed to work at the pumpkin patch from 4-10. It was even colder than yesterday and raining...yuck! Even though I was going to be inside a building tonight, I still wasn't overly excited to go. As it turned out, I got the night off since they didn't need as many workers. That was fine by me! I ended up "vegging out" the rest of the night. I didn't feel like going anywhere, so I didn't. I suppose if I was one who enjoyed the whole "dating thing", I would have called "J" and let him know I got an unexpected night off work and asked him to do something...but I didn't.
I think tomorrow is supposed to be nicer, so maybe I won't freeze at work. I may get to have lunch with my friend tomorrow (it was a bunch of people getting together today, so tomorrow I could get her one-on-one which is better anyway!)
Well, I best be going to bed...I have no idea why I stayed up this late...not like I was "doing" anything!
Good night.
--I noticed this was the "Quote of the Day" after I pressed "publish"--"Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend." ~Plautus --I like that...and am blessed with a number of those kinds of friends! :o)
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