Shocked

and Amazed; Sad and Hopeful; Blessed and Broken; Overwhelmed and Emotional...so many feelings, so hard to explain.

I will write about the rest of my respite care experience later, but for now I must journal about something else. I am feeling sick to my stomach and have been unable to hold back the tears. Journaling (and crying) seems to help, so that is what I will do.

I wrote a little bit about my "float" to the "adult world" on Friday. I went back and read my journal and realized that I was probably "rushing" in order to go to bed at a decent time and left out a few details of that experience. The gentleman who was a little older than my dad was the NICEST guy. He was a little "loopy" from some of the drugs, but had a GREAT sense of humor. He was so full of life, and hopeful of the treatments that would cure his illness. This hospitalization was to be a short one, and he was looking forward to spending time with his children and grandchild before his next round of treatments. His wife was SUCH a sweetheart, and VERY patient with him. I am sure it was challenging to see her previously healthy and independent husband requiring assistance to do simple tasks. The doctor gave them a good report while I was there, and I celebrated those words with them. I was also there when their minister was there and prayed silently as they prayed together. I had to spend much of the day in his room because I had to give a couple blood transfusions. I didn't care, though, because they were such nice people. (I even teased them and said something like "Good thing you are nice people since I had to spend the whole day with you!"). His wife said something really nice to me before I left. I'm not sure exactly what her words were, but something like "being the bright spot" in their day. He even "made" me give him a hug before I left for the night. How sweet is that?!

Since that is not my floor, that is how it could have ended. I would have assumed he would get out of the hospital "mid-week" and carry on. Maybe I would run into them some time when he was there for another treatment, but probably not. An experience working with a nice couple, which helped make a not fun day MUCH more tolerable.

Fast forward to today. I brought the little one to my aunt and uncle's house for lunch. My aunt and I cannot remember what we were talking about, but "some how" she said she had to go to the visitation for someone they know from my uncle's work. She said his name and it COMPLETELY caught me off-guard. It is a very uncommon last name, so I had her repeat it. I asked her what had happened...then I managed to say "I was his nurse on Friday" before bursting into tears. Apparently early yesterday morning (Sunday) he started bleeding and died. At first, my aunt wasn't sure when he had passed away. (If he had died the shift after I had him I think I would feel some how responsible, or at least questioned if there was something I had missed. Even now, I wonder...)

I am shocked. Shocked that this kind woman, his "young" children, his infant grandchild have lost someone so wonderful, so suddenly. Shocked too that my aunt "happened" to say something, or I never would have known (I don't get the newspaper and don't REALLY make a habit of reading the online obituaries.) How blessed I am to have spent an entire day with this couple. Blessed that now I will be able to give my condolences to the family. I have hardly been able to stop crying since I heard the news. However, I now wear a ring that says "HOPE"; for all who believe, there is hope. Hope for healing, either in this world, or most definitely in the next.

Well, apparently the little one does not want to take a nap. I suppose I should try and pull myself together and go play.