Good for the Heart

Earlier today, I posted the words of a grieving mother that was written nearly a year ago. I later discovered that, at pretty much the EXACT same time, she was writing these words "I don’t cry every day anymore. I think I already knew that, but this is the first time it really came into my conscious mind...Is it strange that I find it sad that I don’t cry every day? Is it strange that after making that statement I want to qualify it, by saying “I am still in a lot of pain, I am still grieving, I still miss her SO much, I still think about her every hour of every day, and I still cry lots of days, just not every day.”...It feels terrible to be so desperately sad all of the time, but I am learning, that it feels pretty crappy to NOT be sad all the time too. It feels wrong. It is not ok. Nothing makes any sense in this strange new world. And yet, this is exactly as the Bible says it will be.“ a time to weep and a time to laugh,a time to mourn and a time to dance….” Ecclesiastes 3:4 But, how can I dance? How can I dance when my little girl is not here to dance with me? Does the dancing part come in Heaven? Will we dance together?..." She goes on to write about the MercyMe song "I Can Only Imagine" and more about her grief journey. While I have never met this woman, I have told her time and again that she has taught me SO much. For that, I am grateful. Even though her loss is heartbreaking, and I pray for her and her family often. Even though I have never been a mother, she has taught me how I can help those grieving mothers God places in my path. Even though her feelings today would be considered "bittersweet", I am pleased that she is having better days. It makes my heart happy :o)
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I actually was productive for a little while today. I decided to take a little nap, and THEN I was going to write a couple of letters (that actually never got done...maybe tomorrow!). Much to my surprise, about five minutes into my "nap", my doorbell rang. And I could NOT believe who was standing on my front steps--my friend and her son who came to visit after his clinic appointment!! What an AMAZING surprise! She didn't tell me they were coming for clinic, and I was planning on sending her a letter, since I hadn't talked to her in a while. It was GREAT to visit with her. She brought me a Willow Tree gift and the NICEST card. I am a huge fan of Hallmark, especially "Amanda Bradley" cards. This is what it says:

Some people seem to specialize in doing thoughtful deeds.

Before you ask, they understand your problems and your needs.

They help because they want to, they find joy in being kind,

and making others happy is the first thing on their minds.

They make this world a better place by practicing the art of reaching out to others

and by giving...from the heart.

Thank you so much--

May you always be as happy as you make others!

Now, I realize that this is just a "Hallmark card", but she picked it for ME. Wow! Is that really me?! Sometimes I wonder. My heart needed that. My friend, she is struggling a great deal with many different things. That makes me sad, but I think "chatting" today was good for both of us. I shared with her some of the hurt I experienced yesterday, but tried to let her talk, so I could listen and help her just by being here. I think I still will send a letter. I would like to offer assistance to her in some of her "projects" at home, or something to help her during this difficult time.

Friendship...

it is wonderful gift...even "friends" who are "strangers" can make an impact. How amazing is that?! I love that God keeps sending such fantastic, unexpected individuals into my life. Now, if only I could remember to thank Him on the difficult days too!

Grief Journey

Before I started regularly reading "blogs", and before I created one of my own, there were a couple "caringbridge" sites that I frequented. I continue to check those, along with all the "blogs" as part of my "learning curve" (or my addiction to reading other people's stories...I prefer the former description!). One of them is now the journal of a mom who lost her daughter while she was waiting for a liver transplant. Her words have helped me SO much during my journey as a nurse caring for very sick kids and their parents. Nearly a year ago, she wrote about her grief journey. It was written at a time when we had lost something like twelve patients in a three-month period that extended through the holidays. It was a very sad time, and her words helped a great deal. As I have been reading more journals of families who have lost children, I decided to post her words here (even though no one REALLY reads my "blog", I decided it is worth sharing, if just for my benefit alone...to remember that everyone deals with grief and loss differently, in their own time, and some helpful hints on some things I can do to make the grief more "bearable").

So, here it is:

Journal
Saturday, February 17, 2007 2:29 PM CST
I haven’t talked about the grief journey for awhile, and I think it’s time.I get a lot of emails from parents who have lost children, wanting to talk, wanting reassurance that what they are feeling is okay, and mostly asking how to deal with friends and family who just don’t “get it”.So, today is going to be about that.

Most of the things I am going to say here are from my direct experience with the loss of a child. Other people may have different opinions or experiences, and that is completely valid. I can only speak to what I have been through personally.

Just like there is no greater love than a mothers for her child, there is no greater loss. It is not something that can be put into words, anymore than you can tell someone what it feels like to give birth. Have you ever tried to explain to someone the love you feel for your child? Only another parent understands that love. Only another parent can understand that loss.

As a parent, you can IMAGINE the pain, and you can empathize with it. But, you really cannot know how it is to live with it, day in and day out. Every day, simple, common things bring up painful memories. Just the other day, for me, it was froot Loops. I have a froot loop story, that I won’t bore you with right now, but suffice it to say, it’s a hospital memory, it was an important day, and froot loops were involved. So now, froot loops make me sad.

As do, a million other things….playgrounds, theme parks, ice cream, American idol, church, music, silky pajamas, fun shoes, giraffes, Clifford books, cheetah girls, sno-cone machines, crafts, American girl things, baseball, school, valentine’s day parties, and, as I said, a million other things.

I saw a cremation scene on “Desperate Housewives” that dropped me to my knees. It still haunts me. The other millions of viewers probably thought little of it. I drive miles out of my way to avoid the hospital, the funeral home, the middle school, lots of places….

We live with constant reminders of what we have lost. Nobody knows what that is like, until you have lived it.

So, as our friends, the first thing is to realize that you don’t really know what this is like. And that is Okay. Believe me; we don’t want you to know what it is like! But, if you acknowledge this, you will be less likely to offer, what is sometimes hurtful, advice.

So, I am going to share a few things I have learned along this road, to hopefully, let you understand how you, as friends, can help those you love who have lost a child.

1) It’s Loooooong….. process. Grief has its own time space continuum. A week is a minute. A year is a month. Time passes, but grief stands still. In the beginning, there is no passage of time. Time may heal, and I believe it does get easier, but not in what most people think is a “reasonable” amount of time. Take what you think is reasonable, and triple it…and maybe…you will be close. I am 16 months into this journey, and I can see, that I am still at the very beginning.

2) Grief is selfish. Our feelings are so intense, that it takes all of our energy, just to survive. We have no energy for socializing, we don’t want to write thank you notes, or return phone calls. It can be a “full” day to just shower and change our clothes. And again, this goes on for a looooooong time.

Now here’s the part that isn’t fair. Just because we push you away, don’t answer your calls or emails, stop coming to church….that doesn’t mean we don’t need you. We need you to leave us messages that say “I love you, what you are going through is horrible. No need to call back, just wanted you to know we are thinking of you, and we miss you’. Even if you never get a call back, we HEAR those messages, and they help. We READ those emails and guestbook entries, and they help. We want our friends to continue to be there, even when the friendship (seemingly) becomes one-sided.

It is common for people to think, when they don’t hear back, “She doesn’t want to be bothered” Well true and not true. We don’t want expectations placed on us, but we do want, and need to be reached out to.And at the risk of offending some, let me also say, on this subject, it is NOT okay to abandon your friends. It is NOT okay to think that attending the funeral, or bringing one meal is enough. If you care about this family, you will step up, check in, send emails, cards, make phone calls…not just in the days and weeks, but in the months and years to come.Grief is selfish. It is not easy to be the friend of a bereaved parent. It separates out the real from the fair weathered in a hurry. And IF you stick it out, IF you become one of the few, well that makes you a hero. I look at my friends, and feel sorry for them…I am a lot of baggage to drag around, but I know the ones who have stuck, are in it for the long haul. The others, well, it makes me sad.

3) Sometimes, in trying to help, you can make things worse.I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard, “you need to get out of the house”. No. I need my daughter back. Getting out of the house does not fix that, and you saying it over and over only puts unneeded stress and pressure on me.Here’s the tricky part….don’t stop inviting us places, just make sure you give us an easy out. Every invitation should come with the knowledge that we can back out or leave as our emotions dictate.Early on, the best invitations are to meaningful events, not just for “fun”. Movies and parties can make us very uncomfortable.

4) Please let us do as much as we can in our own homes. It is easier to have people in, that to go out. Our best friends will call and say, “We’d like to see you, when can we come over?” Thank goodness they do that, or we would never see anyone.Instead of inviting them out to lunch, offer to pick up lunch, and bring it over. Better yet, Give us the choice. I still have not been to lunch or a movie for pleasure. It is too hard. I have, however, had friends over for takeout and to watch TV. We love that, and our kids love it too.

5) Don’t ever forget our child. Let us know if you have a picture on your refrigerator, or if you listened to her music one day. People, wrongly, think bringing up the subject makes us sad. What makes us sad is having a special day or time with friends and no one mentions her. She existed. She was everything to us. And even if you don’t bring it up, believe me, she is on our minds.

6) We are still crying. Be okay with that. Tears won’t kill any of us. They are a normal expression of sadness. And we will be sad forever. We will be quick to tears forever. Please don’t say, “Don’t cry”. Just pass us the Kleenex.

7) I can be crying for hours in the morning, laugh at something at lunch, be in a fetal position by dinner. Don’t judge me. Don’t tell me I am too happy OR too sad. I am exactly where I need to be.

8) Help us keep our faith. Pray for us, and with us. Just saying “she‘s in a better place” isn’t as helpful as actually quoting us the scripture that TELLS us that. Tell us something about Heaven. Read about grief, read about Heaven, so your words can be a comfort to us.

9) Understand that we do not feel “normal” anymore. We don’t belong anywhere. We are forever changed. We are not the same people we were before this happened. But, we ARE still people. We still need our family and friends. I hope you take all of this in the spirit of love and friendship. If you are reading this, you care enough about someone in these shoes, to make a difference in their life.

From the brilliant Randy Alcorn’s book “Heaven,“Father, thank you that our gifts, and passions, and special interests, are not an accident. But, are part of the way you have wired us. Thank you that You have intricately designed each one of us to uniquely express Your Glory.”

Yes, this is one person's grief journey. Everyone has their own story. However, I think she does a great job of explaining some of the common emotions, and mistakes. It helped me...hopefully it can help someone else.

Wow...oops!!

So, I wasn't planning to post anything today, as there wasn't much exciting to say. I went to work. I took care of my patients. There was "drama" that made me not very happy. Someone I really respect, or thought I did, let me down in a really big way. I am sad about the morale on my unit. I am glad I have a few days off. I had dinner with my parents and then came home.

ANYWAY, I decided I probably should do something with the huge pile of dishes in my sink (for instance, put them into the DISHWASHER!). I had to move a chair out of the way, and when I was putting it back, I looked at my table. I could not BELIEVE what had happened to my poinsettia!! Okay, if you look back on some of my earlier posts, I admit that gardening is not something I enjoy, or am very good at. However, I thought I was doing a good job with the poinsettia (I hear that they are pretty hard to kill, so maybe that isn't a huge accomplishment.). Apparently, flowers need water, and this plant has not gotten any for...I'm not sure how long. What is absolutely CRAZY is that on my days off, I usually open the blinds of the window on the right. HOW I did not notice the dying plant is beyond me! I think it is beyond rescuing, but I did water it...just in case.

Tomorrow is another day...maybe I'll be a bit more productive (I may need to remind myself that YESTERDAY was my "leisurely day off", so tomorrow I must do some work!).

Wow, I still can't believe that picture (and, I will admit that it looks even worse "in person")! Good night.

A glimpse of the past

So, I became a "blogger" back in May, eight months ago, with this post . At the time, I had no idea where this blog would take me. I'm still not sure.

I received my first comment, after this post back in June. I have gotten a grand total of EIGHT comments since then. That's kind of crazy, since some of the blogs I read have gotten more than a hundred comments on a single posting. I am definitely okay to not have THAT many people commenting on my life, but it would be interesting to me to know if anyone actually reads what I write.

I posted the lyrics to one of my favorite inspiring songs later in June, remembering some of my patients that had passed away. "Borrowed Angels" is still a song I feel like sharing with EVERYONE who has lost a child because it has a very positive message.

In October, I posed the question if I was ready to pursue motherhood . I still have a lot of thinking to do, but today I received a letter that begins "Dear Foster Parent Applicant, I am pleased to inform you that you have been approved to register for the foster parent pre-service training classes..." I should start classes in March or April.

More than once, I have blogged about organ donation, including here and here . This issue is a HUGE part of my work, and my life.

To this point, 54 of my posts have been labeled work which I guess means that is pretty much where my life is focused. That also is one of the main reasons that this remains a somewhat "anonymous blog". I do love my job, which is what most of those posts are about. However, sometimes you just have to vent, and journaling helps me do that. It would be awful if someone misread my venting and was hurt by my words. I LOVE my job and want to continue working at my current place of employment! Just "FYI" for trivia purposes, to this point, the labels of blessed (29), family (26), and friends (22) are the next three after "random" which really is a label for most everything I write.

I decided that I have been a little too vocal in deciding which patient(s) I want to take care of. I don't want THAT reputation (balance is a VERY good thing!). So, I have decided that tomorrow I will get to work shortly before the shift starts and take whatever patients are given to me. While that may be a little disappointing for the parents of my one patient to hear, eventually he will get to leave the hospital. When that happens, I still have to work with the other nurses on my floor. If I burn bridges now, it will be difficult to rebuild. That is "my" plan. I suppose if God's plan includes me taking care of the patients I had yesterday, than that is fine with me. If not, then hopefully I can make someone else's day :o)

It is a bit odd to do this kind of reflecting back at different posts I have written, but I didn't do much today that constituted journaling about. I took a long bath and watched TV. I DID meet my family for lunch, and ate dinner with my parents. I started to create a "playlist" of some of my favorite songs to include on this blog, but decided today wasn't the day (no one even comes to read what I write and I can listen to my favorite music without being logged into my blog!) Whoo-hoo, exciting times! Good night!

No help now

So, I got to work "super early" to see if could get my "new favorite patient" back today, or if the nurse who had him yesterday worked again today. I quickly glanced through the patient list and saw he wasn't there. I found out that he was transferred to the PICU yesterday (he actually is okay and wasn't any sicker yesterday than he was LAST week...just a difference in doctors and bed availability I guess). So, I was bummed out about that, but they thought he would be able to come back to the floor today (since, really, he was fine!). I took the least amount of patients so he would be mine when he transferred back to the floor. Unfortunately, that didn't work out (no one wanted to make "that kind" of decision today), so I'll try again tomorrow :o)

I was pretty busy for about 15 minutes when everything seemed to be happening at once (trying to take two or three phone calls while both of my patients had their call lights on, etc.). One of the nurses went to help one of my patients and somehow I ended up saying something that wasn't very nice (not outright MEAN or anything, just not very kind). I felt terrible about that and apologized quite a few times. Later, I got a new patient and that same nurse was helping get the family settled into the room since I was busy. Yet AGAIN I made a couple of comments that really were "uncalled for" related to how she was trying to help. So, it is no surprise that she stopped helping. I think that she probably won't be as eager to help me the next time...I know I would be a bit hesitant if I was treated that way...

So, how can I profess my "life mission" of spreading happiness and joy to all and then treat a colleague so poorly? How can I have patience with the families at work, and become easily irritated with my family and friends? (Sorry, Angie , this sounds like I am "stealing" your words, but I guess today I had too had clear examples of how guilty I am of not always treating people the way they ought to be treated!). I knew that there were some "issues" between how I think I'm living my life and how I'm actually living it, but I was hoping I didn't have THIS much work to do! Thank goodness for a forgiving God, and for all the VERY forgiving people He has placed in my path!

I'm hoping I don't have any "crazy busy days" in the near future because it may be hard to find help after today! Actually, I'm praying that this was a gentle little reminder and next time I'll be considerate to those to come to my aid/rescue! I guess it's the whole "beggars can't be choosers" idea, except I today I didn't ASK for help...okay, so it doesn't make any difference, there is no excuse for how I acted.

Other than those issues, work was fine. I did work with some people who don't have the best attitudes about our job and said some pretty disheartening things. I just had to ignore them, though, because I don't agree, but would rather not argue. Moving on...to tomorrow (after a good night's sleep!).

All dressed up

AND I had places to go, but no one to take my picture! Okay, maybe that is a downside to "flying solo", I'm willing to admit that, but still enjoy my freedom and "alone time".

I wore a dress I had only worn one other time. I borrowed my mom's new boots. I spent time on my hair and make-up. I thought I looked pretty good (considering I have 5-15 pounds to lose anyway). Unfortunately, I didn't get ready in time to stop by my parents' house to have one of them photograph me in "all my cuteness". I thought there would be people to ask, but there wasn't (and I wouldn't REALLY want a stranger taking a solo picture!).

So, WHERE was I going?! I went to the premier screening of an independent film. I was an extra when the movie was filmed here last summer. I wrote about it in this post. I was looking forward to seeing how they edited my scene as well as what the story really was about. I also thought that I would see one of the stars of the film that I talked to quite a bit during the day of filming (I thought she was a very nice person and an EXCELLENT actress!). As far as "my" scene...my backside definitely was visible (how can it not be, it is quite large these days!) and that was pretty cool. The other extras I worked with had nearly visible faces. I did not see the actress, but did see the couple that was responsible for "locations" and talked to them briefly. I was very impressed with the movie as a whole and am excited to see how far it goes. They will be taking it to film festivals and see what happens.

Unfortunately, the movie ran a little longer than I expected, so I was late to church. I sat and prayed in the "cry room" until Mass was over and then lit a couple of candles for all the people I have in my prayers. After that, I went to the choir "Christmas Party". That is always a fun time with good conversation (even though the past couple of years, I have gone home with a bottle of wine as my gift and someone always asks about my ID...okay, I'm 28 now...just because sometimes I look like I'm about 15!...) The food was good too.

I finally decided to update my profile to add more "details" about me. I'll have to re-read it during the coming days and see if I like it. It is getting rather close to 10:00 and I was sleepy before 8:00 (how that can be when I have had HOW many days off and didn't get up until nearly 10 this morning is a mystery to me...it's the truth though, so I'm headed to bed soon!).

Passion

I LOVE BEING A NURSE!!

How wonderful it is to LOVE your job! Too often I take it for granted that I find happiness in what I do for a living. There are a lot of people who wish they HAD a job, still others who dread going to work each and every day because for one reason or another it brings them discontent. My sister, for example, works with people who are unkind, inconsiderate, and rude. I am SO blessed!

This morning, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of sophomore girls at my "alma mater" about nursing as a career. During the three sessions, we were able to convey to just over thirty girls how AWESOME nursing is. I actually didn't even do very much of the talking because there was another alum there. She has been a nurse for 23 years and is very passionate in talking about her life as a nurse. She echoed my thoughts that nursing is "in her blood" and she wouldn't go back and do something different. What she wants to be "when she grows up" is a nurse! It was inspiring to me just to sit and listen to her story, hoping that in 17 or so years, I am just as enthusiastic. She talked about the happy times and the sad times of nursing, but that making a difference at every type of "milestone" in people's lives, good or bad, is SO special. This is what I have found too, although I'm apparently not so great at separating myself from the sadness... She still keeps in touch with the mom of a kid who died about 12 years ago, and remembers kids who have died. I know that I have made an impact on many lives, and that makes me feel WONDERFUL. Even in the sad times, I learn something. One of the surgeons I work with said at a memorial service for one of our patients "each of these kids has something to teach us" and I believe that. I have learned from the ones who fought hard and lived, and from the ones who fought hard on earth and now live in heaven. I learn from the parents, and I learn from the kids.

The girls listened VERY well and had some good questions for us. It was a very special morning, and I left feeling inspired, and ready to go back to work (okay, not REALLY, I came home and took a nap, but refreshed and ready to make a difference when I go back on Sunday).
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My dad's "passion" is coaching. He'd probably say junior high girls are his specialty (but NOT in a "creepy" way!!). He currently coaches two 8th grade girls basketball teams at my former grade school. One is the "A" team and they are "okay", the other is a "B" team and he believes they are the worst team he has every coached, talent-wise. However, he has a way about him that the girls WANT to try hard (which, if you know 12-14-year-old girls, listening to adults is not their forte!). His girls ALWAYS have fun. Fortuntately, most of the parents are okay with that, and don't worry QUITE as much about winning! I get to go and be the scorekeeper on days I am off, which is fun. In the summers, he coaches slow pitch softball, and I get to coach a base when I'm off :o) Hanging out with dad--good times!

So, I'm off to an 8th grade girls basketball game. What a social life I have (I'm SURE it will get even better if I have kids!). Tomorrow, though, I get to go to a movie premier and am excited about that!

Again, I LOVE BEING A NURSE (I'll have to create a link so I remember this when I'm having one of "those days"!).

11:35 PM Edited to add: Dad's team won 45-30 and played really well :o) Mom decided that she REALLY needed to talk some things out and spent nearly 2 hours discussing some of HER "issues". I actually think I did a good job of just listening and didn't add any comments about MY "issues". Gotta love parent time...I know I do anyway! Good night.

Procrastination

"Procrastination"...that sounds better, healthier, than "avoidance", but I'm not exactly sure which is more accurate...

Yesterday we were busy again at work, even though there was one more nurse than we usually have (but also a couple more kids than we normally would take, having to "double-up" patients in our semi-private rooms which we rarely do). It actually worked out for me to go to the "round table" meeting with the executives since we were staffed well and I had my one patient that I know really well, and just one other patient who was doing fine. I did manage to speak up and say a couple of things. I think the meeting in general went well (I think there were nurses from four areas, a housekeeper, a nursing assistant, a social worker, a med tech, and a graphic designer, along with someone from HR, the marketing executive and the CEO...quite a group!). The CEO had good responses to questions and seemed to feel like these kinds of "gatherings" are very important to the organization.

Even though I left later than everyone else, there were some VERY positive things that happened yesterday (including the above meeting). I spoke with a woman who is a foster parent (with her husband...their kids are grown and have kids of their own). She told me that she mentors new foster parents and said I could contact her if I have any questions or need anything. As I have mentioned in previous posts, the patient assignments are pretty much "first come, first served". So, some nurses come very early to "pick" their kids (often taking the easier patients and leaving those more challenging patients/parents for whoever gets to work last). It really isn't that "fair" sometimes, but at least it isn't ALWAYS an issue. I try to not be "that person" who is inflexible and usually take what is given to me, mostly since those extra minutes of sleep are precious to me! However, last week and this week, I had to make an exception because of one particular kid. Lucky for me, so far I haven't had to do very much fighting (he is autistic and of COURSE those nurses who show up first wouldn't take on THAT challenge if they had a choice...). I'm not sure many parents know how patients are usually assigned, and I think it is better that way. However, I decided to tell his mom that I keep having to get up early so I can fight to be her son's nurse, and wasn't sure I could keep doing that! Even though I was being honest, I also knew that this could "make her day". So, I HAD to say it, even if it wasn't completely appropriate, because making other people feel good is one of my goals in life :o) Of course, my parents taught me "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all", but I have taught myself "if you have something nice to say, make sure you say it", even if it is something as simple as telling a mom you CHOSE to be her kids nurse because you like him. She was sweet too, asking me if there was something she could do to make sure I always was his nurse when I was working. I told her we probably shouldn't "go there" since I didn't want there to be any issues or conflicts between her and the other nurses, or between me and my co-workers.

Wow, I have a lot to say...or a lot of words to type so I didn't have to do any of the stuff I should be doing...

So, tomorrow morning I will be talking to high school sophomores who are interested in learning about nursing. I am SO happy that I haven't cried in nearly a week and yesterday was such a great day at work! That will make it a LOT easier to tell a group of young people how GREAT nursing is and why it is such a terrific career :o)

Okay, so I've been typing this for an hour now and never really got to the points I was planning to make. I guess I did end up using the title appropriately though because this past hour I was not putting away laundry, or dishes, or writing letters, or responding to emails, or cleaning, or any of the other things I probably should have been doing. Today I wrote about yesterday, tomorrow I can write about today...oh my, that sounds like procrastination at its finest!

I'd better get some rest...100 girls in one room is fun, but 8:00 is early!

Little Bits of Heaven

Yesterday was another relatively crazy day at work. I was doing okay until my new patient came a little before 5:00. It was a child coming to be evaluated for transplant. Those admissions ALWAYS take a lot of time, and patience! The child, and family, are unfamiliar with our hospital and routines. They often come here with a very sick child, sometimes a child who has never been out of the hospital. It HAS to be a scary situation for them! There has to be a balance between keeping them informed of the "plan", but not overwhelming them with too much information. Sometimes the parent knows a lot about the child and their cares, sometimes they do not. "Our" ways often can be quite different than "their" ways, which can create an additional stressor/struggle. So, 5:00 on a Monday afternoon--when your shift started 10 hours ago and you were really looking forward to going home in 2 1/2 hours--is NOT the best time to be dealing with an anxious young mother and her sick baby. It is times like these that I have to remind myself over and over and over again that THIS is the part of my job that ultimately I would say I like the best. I love teaching parents how to take care of their chronically ill kids. Possibly the most rewarding memories of my job are the times that I have sent a child home with their parents for the first time EVER, sometimes even after spending a year or more in the hospital. Needless to say, I didn't "clock out" until after 8:00 and, unfortunately, was not in that great of a mood.

So, I decided that as part of my "temper tantrum" for having to stay at work later than I would like, I would go through the drive-through at my favorite fast-food restaurant. As I sat at the window waiting for my food, I watched the snowflakes fall onto my windshield. It had been a LONG time since I had done that. The snow wasn't falling that quickly, so I was able to see individual snowflakes on the glass. It really is true, that none of them look the same. I just had to stop and thank God for helping me to stop with the temper tantrum and enjoy the beauty of creation. Just a little bit of Heaven to remind me to take each moment and cherish it (thank God for the snowflakes too because my fries were not that fresh and a little cold...I guess 8:30 isn't really dinner time!).


Yesterday was also a day to celebrate the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. I crashed on the couch after my dinner and watching "Medium", so didn't post anything. Today, I found this quote which is quite fitting for what I think is my "life plan". “Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.
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As for today, well, I think I took a break from "thinking"...okay, not really! I baby-sat for about 45 minutes this morning, did some laundry, made some soup (it wasn't THAT great, so I won't post a recipe this time!), and went to a meeting at work. I actually got a pretty exciting phone call from my manager that lifted my spirits. Tomorrow there is going to be something called a "Nursing Round Table" where 10 nurses from different units will meet with the CEO and one or more other executives. Of the NINE nurses working tomorrow, my manager told me that she thought that I would be perfect to represent our unit at this meeting. Now, she is a person that tends to tell people what they want to hear, but I honestly believe that she meant those words (and, even if she really was stretching the truth a little, it is still SO nice to hear something positive, especially with everything that has been going on!). Tonight, I went BACK to the hospital since the child life department had a Lollypop Theater production of The Water Horse . I was there in case any pumps "beeped". It was an okay movie, but fun to be there for the experience for the sick kids.

Tonight, I am sending extra prayers to a family whose blog I have been "quietly following". Their faith and courage is amazing. I pray that God gives them what they need during this challenging time.

I am considering editing my profile, but haven't figured out what to say since I really don't know what this blog is all about (I guess that's why I called it "Do I have anything to say?" back in May when I created it!). That will be for another day, though, because I need to go to bed (gotta make myself look best for the CEO...better find my "cutest" scrubs!).

It's still freezing

The "meltdown" that occurred yesterday was limited to me personally. The snow is still present, the temperatures remain frigid with the wind chill being a factor...now, enough about the weather!!

I am glad that I was off today because it feels like the tears remain close to the surface and any stress could put me over the edge. I slept very well, and took a short nap this afternoon. I am going to watch my dad's basketball team play, but that is an hour away, so I'm contemplating taking another short nap. I am getting lab work done on Thursday, but don't think they will explain why I am tired all the time. I have taken a couple online quizzes to see if I am "depressed". I REALLY don't think that I am, and the tests all said things like "possibly", or "mild-to-moderate", so I'm really "okay". While I wish I wasn't crying so often, I honestly think that a lot has to do with my hormones, and the fact that even though I don't consider it very often, my job is STRESSFUL! Whenever people say they couldn't do what I do, I brush their comments aside, because it's just what I DO, and I LOVE it! I haven't been to the doctor in over a year. With the "events" of this year (young as it is, 2008 has been "issue filled" for me!), I think I should make an appointment for sooner, rather than later.

Today at church, a video was shown with clips of different commercials that will be shown to support the "pro-life movement". While it was clear that today was the day in our area to discuss this issue, I didn't realize that it was nationwide. However, I found out from one of the other blogs that I have been reading, that the third Sunday of January has become "National Sanctity of Life Day" in the US. I had a discussion with my mom about my thoughts from last week about this, and how I have learned SO much about how there is more to this issue than just a young person who doesn't know what else to do. A lot of my colleagues have struggled with this "life and death" issue with different patients. There have been some kids that it seemed, from the outside looking in, that the child would be SO much better in Heaven. There is the question of if humans are "playing God", or if they are using what God has given them to prolong life. I won't pretend to have an answer, because I really haven't sat down and tried to decide. Ultimately, the decisions are made by parents, and I am in NO position to judge, I MUST be supportive.

Anyway, that is a lot of "extra stuff" (no wonder my head feels like it is about to burst!). What I DO know is that in the past six months or so, the gift and beauty of life, and of death, has been revealed to me in ways I never could have imagined. Living in the moment, making each day special, taking nothing for granted...what wonderful things to strive for!

That which is frozen...

eventually will melt.

Unfortunately, MY meltdown couldn't have waited an hour (or even thirty minutes!).

I ACTUALLY think it has been a while since I cried at work. I COULD be wrong, but know for sure that it hasn't been a regular occurrence! Now that I am able to think rationally, I believe I have figured out what happened. I do, however, kind of wish I would have been able to prevent the waterworks. On the other hand, the fact that the events of today actually brought me to tears is a testament to my character. I care SO much and try SO hard to make a positive impact in the lives of others each and every day. I also care a great deal about what others think about me (I have very "thin skin" which is one reason why this is more of a "private" journal!).

I worked on Wednesday and Thursday, and was pretty busy with those kids. Today, I decided that I REALLY wanted one of those kids back, even though he is pretty sick. No one "fought" me for him, but I also ended up with the same two other kids. Now, caring for the same three patients three times in a week has potential for being a VERY good thing, but I also knew going into today's shift how busy I would be. He is a pretty sick kid, maybe one of the sickest on our unit at the moment. Wednesday was rough because he felt absolutely miserable. His mom even wasn't able to do anything to make him feel better. He just moaned and cried all day long. It was heartbreaking, especially to see his mom looking so helpless, and not being able to do anything myself to help either. Thankfully, Thursday brought a couple of smiles from both of them (and me too!). Unfortunately, today was another rough day. He was "borderline unstable", and possibly would be considered "step-down", or maybe even "PICU", if we had those beds available. Instead, it was my job to monitor him closely, and pray that I would know if he was becoming critically ill. I devoted SO much energy to him, and his family, that when the lab results came back right before the end of my shift that revealed he had gotten sicker as the day went one, NOT better, I just lost it. Even though I knew in my head that I had done my best (by monitoring him closely and keeping the proper people informed of his status), my emotions (and hormones!) took over and I was unable to hold in the tears. I am a NURSE and I didn't make him better! However, I left the next nurse with the information and resources that would help him. For that, I should be proud :o)

That story is a bit wordy, but it did help to put my feelings into words. I care about that kid. I care about his family. I pretty much care about all of them like that! It upset me that he probably felt SO icky, but wasn't able to tell me. It was hard to explain to his mother why it took so long for us to decide to do something besides "watch him" (even though she was VERY happy that I seemed to get his pain under control after the previous shift didn't give any medication for pain). Looking at this in hindsight, I wonder what his mom would have said (or thought), if she knew that there were tears in my eyes because I cared so much for her son, and didn't like seeing him so sick. I couldn't say anything though, because there were a LOT of visitors in that room, AND it would have been hard to speak without crying any more!

Yay for a day off tomorrow! I think I need it! Oh, by the way, the little weather thing on my computer that said it would feel like twelve degrees below zero this morning was a little off. I listened to the radio on my way to work and the wind chill ACTUALLY made it feel like TWENTY degrees below zero. The "real" temperature right now is -6, not including the "wind chill factor". I can't wait to get under my flannel sheets with my flannel pjs on :o)

Brr, THAT'S cold!!!

It was hard getting out of bed since I was nice and cozy, and for some reason my bedroom seems like the coldest room in the house! I did manage to make it to an 11:15 brunch with a friend :o) I met her when I was doing supervised visits. She brought her two kids. One she and her husband adopted from foster care, and the other is still their foster child. The little one was sleeping when they arrived, so I tried my hand at eating while holding a sleeping child (she is almost 2, but small for her age). I actually did pretty well, and only dripped a little bit of egg yolk on her (oops!)! I am very blessed to have this woman as a new friend! She knows a lot about "the system" and will be a WONDERFUL resource person for me once I get my foster parent license. It will be great to have her to talk to during this "waiting time" as well, because I DO have a lot of thinking to do before I have to "state my case" as to why I want to do this, and why I think I would be good at it!

We got more snow overnight, but it didn't feel TOO terribly cold when I was shoveling my driveway. However, by the time I was coming home from running errands this afternoon, it felt VERY cold! I turned on the 4:00 news and discovered that tonight is to be the coldest night we have had this winter. Hip, hip, hurray! In the morning when I leave for work, the temperature is supposed to be "zero", but "feel like" negative 12. I suppose that calls for a prayer of thanksgiving that I can afford heat, do not work outside, and can park in my attached garage, among other things! (My dad is a mailman...he HATES it when it is this cold, for good reason!!).

So, it seems like it would be a good day just to stay inside, and curl up on the couch with some hot chocolate and a movie or a book. However, this is THE NIGHT that I actually have something SOCIAL planned! A group of young adults from my church is going to order a pizza, have snacks, and play some games. I have been looking forward to this for over a month! It's only a few blocks away, and it isn't like there is a foot of snow on the ground or a blizzard going on, so I'll be fine! In the meantime, I just finished my hot chocolate and am ready to take a little nap (even though I TOTALLY should be cleaning up my living room, or sorting through stuff in my office, or writing letters to my out-of-state friends, or a number of other things!).

Looking forward to spring, but the snow is pretty :o)

Idea of the Day

I used to get these "ideas of the day (or week or month)" ALL the time! Some of them I actually followed through on...

• When I was in Junior High, I wanted to live on the East Coast. I did that when I was 23.
• I wanted to go out-of-state for college. Did that. :o)
• Many times I have thought about becoming a foster parent. I'm working on that.
• I have taken spontaneous vacations. I decided to buy my house "on a whim".
• I wish I could think of more...my mom probably could remember some, but may not appreciate her evening being interrupted by that kind of question (especially since I recall her thinking some being quite "crazy").

Today's "Idea of the Day" actually seems to have come out of nowhere, but I think I have some "ideas"...

The past couple of months, my blogging "addiction" has led me to the journals of women who have lost their babies shortly after birth. The faith and strength these women (and their husbands) exhibit is AMAZING to me! I have always considered myself "pro-life" (yes, it is a "Catholic thing", but a "me" thing too!), but I never thought about how TOUGH it would be... I am a nurse. I know that the effects of giving birth have "physical symptoms" for days/weeks following. I know that women who have c-sections can't lift heavy things or even drive for a time. I know there can be complications from both types of delivery. How much of a struggle to have those physical symptoms, but not the baby when you are out in public?! When no one else knows that you just had a baby, but you hurt emotionally and physically. Again, things I had NEVER thought about! (still "pro-life", but have a better understanding of some tough choices)

Today, I met a nurse who started working with one of the home health companies. She mentioned that she did labor and delivery for 10 years. I told her of these stories I have been reading, and how beautifully the families celebrated the life and death of their babies. She said that where she worked, they did really special things for all babies who were either not born alive, or passed away shortly after birth. She also said that she cried every time! (That actually was a little reassuring for me because I seem to be known as the "crying nurse" because the stories of these kids and their families affect my heart pretty deeply, and our kids are around for a lot longer time-frame than the day or two of a baby being born!). I guess this conversation got the wheels in my head turning!

So, back to my "idea of the day"--I think I would like to shadow a labor and delivery nurse for a shift or two or three. I did not embrace my "women's health" clinical very well when I was in college. I KNEW I wanted to be a pediatric nurse, so didn't really care about anything else. Also, the clinical instructor I had wasn't my favorite, and didn't really have an "energetic" personality, even though she definitely was passionate about women's health, especially labor and delivery. My FAVORITE nursing instructor, actually IS a labor and delivery nurse, as was one of my other favorite people from the nursing college. So, it is a little surprising that this is the first time I have had this idea! Now, I DO love my job (even though yesterday and today were quite crazy and not "super fun") and don't think I would like to make a job change. However, I do think that it is important to take advantage of learning opportunities. Since I didn't take this opportunity very seriously six years ago, there is no better time than the present. At my hospital, the Director of Women and Infant Services recently became the Director of Pediatrics and the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit as well. Because we now have more of a partnership, I don't think it will be difficult to arrange. And, since I have been "bored" on my days off, laying around at home, this will be a good way to get out of the house!

How in the world my mind was thinking about this after working two LONG 12-hour shifts is beyond me, but maybe that solidifies that it is something I need to do. I guess the next step is to email my manager to find out what I would have to do!

Okay, enough thinking for the day (although, maybe that is making up for the few times today that I was NOT thinking very well...the only "mistake" I know I made was doing a VERY poor job at putting a diaper on a kid! It was SO funny because he had the BIGGEST "wedgie" and was old enough to roll over so he could show me what I did!). Thank goodness I am off tomorrow!!

Edited to add: This is the quote that was the "quote of the day" after I initially posted this entry--"You must do the things you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt Well, that about "seals the deal"...time to "test drive" something new!

No alarms

Yesterday and today, I decided not to set my alarm clock to see if I really need this much sleep. I'm not sure if it was a very good "test", but yesterday I really didn't wake up for the first time until about 9:00 even though I was in bed by 10:30. I eventually rolled out of bed at 10:00 or so. I did a few things, but mostly spent the day laying around doing nothing. That seems to be pretty much my "routine" when I have a day off. Somehow I do not think that it is 100% healthy. I suppose I have been a tiny bit more "active" today and left the house a couple of times and maybe yesterday was just because I was "recovering" from working three days in a row. I'm not sure how long I can continue to make excuses for myself, but at least keeping a journal will help if I decide to see if there is any "trend" to the ups and downs.

I did cook for the fourth time in a week yesterday and made a pretty tasty soup from one of my new cookbooks. Eating more healthy definitely will not hurt me, and I was happy to find out this morning that I lost some "inches" this past month, even though my weight is unchanged.

Yesterday, I made a "spur of the moment" decision to go on vacation with my Grandma next month. I thought she was going to pay for my plane ticket, and am hoping that is still the case, otherwise it will be a lot less fun. I have been a bit stressed out about my finances recently, and a vacation was definitely not in the budget! We will be going to visit some relatives in California, where it is MUCH warmer than it is here! I also hope to see a friend I have not seen in nearly seven years. I am sure California in the winter time will do my mood some good (especially if it is a "free" vacation!).

Well, I suppose I should try and be productive today. I have quite a bit of organizing to do, laundry to put away, dishes to do, dinner to cook...what would I do if it was more than "Just Me"?! I guess I won't have to find out any time soon (I just got a call from the Foster Parent Association and it will be about 8 weeks until my background check and references are done and then the classes are another 8-12 weeks, I think).

Yummy soup recipe :o) I used a little bit more vegetables, a little more broth, a little more peanut butter, and a hand blender to puree.

Creamy Peanut Soup
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 medium yellow onion, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, finely chopped
2 medium all-purpose potatoes, peeled and chopped
2 medium carrots, sliced
1 medium celery stalk, sliced
3 ½ cups canned low-sodium chicken broth
½ cup smooth peanut butter
¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
¼ cup sour cream
1. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add onion and garlic and sauté 1 minute. Stir in potatoes, carrots, and celery, then add broth and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer, covered, 15 minutes or until vegetables are tender.
2. Remove from heat and stir in peanut butter and cayenne. Transfer in 2 batches to a food processor or blender, cover, and puree until smooth.
3. Return soup to pan and cook until heated through (do not boil). Ladle into bowls and swirl a spoonful of sour cream into each serving.

Working, but not TOO hard!

Well, I am 2/3 of the way done with my "three in a row"...if I remember correctly, the last time I worked three in a row, I thought that if it was always like that, I would ALWAYS schedule myself that way! So far, these two shifts have not been bad at all. Both days, I only had two patients. I felt kind of bad about that since others had to take three or four. However, it was NOT my fault! The PICU is still filled with VERY sick kids and none seem to be getting better very fast (or maybe will not at all). One of my patients needed to have a procedure that usually requires a PICU stay with close observation. After this procedure was complete, the patient could be discharged a day or two later. Since it did not look like there would be any open beds any time soon, and the patient was pretty stable, it was decided that the procedure would be done on the floor and the nurse would just have one (or two) patients. We obviously had to take all necessary precautions and be prepared for "worst case scenerio", however everything went VERY smoothly and it actually seemed kind of silly to be staffed that way. The overnight nurse was able to get some "personal stuff" done, and I was able to help the other nurses some. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to take a "third" patient...or I'd be okay with not working too hard for the third day in a row! Not that I "deserve" that, but it seems like a nice gift from God after the issues I've been having the past couple of weeks. Not having to take care of "super-sick", "chronically unstable" patients for a few days is a blessing.

One more day of work to go before I have two more days off! It's barely after 9:00, but I'm thinking about heading to bed! Good night :o)

Moving stuff

Yesterday, I got my carpets cleaned in two of the bedrooms and the living room. My parents came over and helped me rearrange furniture in my living room and my bedroom. Today, my dad and I picked up the new bed I bought for the guest room and he hung some pictures for me. I am very excited for the "new look" and can't help but think that this kind of change will help my overall mood. Unfortunately, I still have a LOT of organizing and "tossing of junk" to do, but at least I have a good start. I feel like I have waited a long time to have my home the way I want it. I'm still a long way away from that, but have to say that it is nearly "party ready", should I ever feel the need to throw a party!

I got up "early" to make a 9:30 meeting, but it was tough (and I took a nap this afternoon!). The next three days will probably be "interesting"...it will be SO hard staying awake for an ENTIRE day :o) I'm sure I will survive, because as I sometimes have to remind myself "I love my job!"

Well, how's THAT for a boring post...I guess it's okay since I don't have any "readers" who care about that. Boring is right there in the subtitle of my blog, so I suppose it is fitting...not that I'm looking to have any excitement at work the next three days...calm is good!

Moving Forward

What a week it has been! I think I still have some issues to work through , but overall I feel better. I still feel like I am requiring/wanting more sleep than I should (I slept in until after 9:00 and took a 2 hour nap this afternoon), but am taking things one step at a time. I "hung out" with my dad this morning/early afternoon. We went to our favorite place to "bet the ponies" and actually won a couple races, which always makes it even more fun! I made some progress clearing out my bedroom for the carpet cleaner, but have a bit more to do considering they are coming at noon! (I guess I'll be up late!)

This evening, I went and saw The Bucket List with my mom, sister, and a friend since I got some free passes. I am glad that the showing was this week rather than last week because I do NOT think I could have held myself together. Instead, I took away its message of joy--having joy in your life, and bringing joy to the lives of others during your life--and the reminder to live each day to the fullest because no one knows what tomorrow may bring. That is my plan, and it has been "the plan" for as long as I can remember. I do struggle, but taking care of others is what I believe I was put here to do. I guess if you care about people SO much, it can hurt pretty bad when there are struggles in their lives. I suppose this is one of those times that I need to "re-balance" myself in order to be available to bring joy and caring to the next person who comes along.

I finally talked to someone at the state's foster and adoptive parent association (we had been playing "phone tag"). I have all the paperwork that needs to be filled out for them, and then they can give me information on when the classes are. The woman was very kind and said "where have you been all my life?!" which made me laugh, especially since last week I was NOT feeling worthy of those kinds of words. I told her I wasn't quite sure if I was ready, if I could do the "single mom" thing, but wanted to get licensed just in case the time becomes right. As a single adoptive mom herself, she had very encouraging things to say.

So, I'm prepared to move forward emotionally, and with my "life goals" (I guess in order to fulfill my OWN, unwritten, "Bucket List"!). Prayers for an even better tomorrow :o)

Create your own therapy

I have nothing against therapy and medication if it is necessary. I do not think that it is necessary for me, so am doing what I can to "fix myself". Obviously, my methods are not always successful at preventing "major issues", but I'm trying!

So, I got up this morning (earlier than I have been...rolled out of bed by 9:15!) and worked out at Curves . I made an appointment to get my carpets cleaned on Wednesday, something I have been wanting to get done for over a year. I took a LONG, relaxing bath while listening to my favorite music with a candle burning (Christmas Cookie scented in honor of a special acquaintance). Seeing as it was a BALMY 40 degrees here in the middle of winter, I decided to sit outside for a while. I sat on my front steps for about an hour. I only wrote three "Christmas Cards", but that's better than none, I guess! I couldn't do much else outside since it was pretty wet and there is still some snow on the ground, so I just sat and soaked in the sunshine, and all the benefits of light (just in case "winter blues" was part of my problem!). I took a walk to the Post Office and grocery store. I started clearing out the rooms that will have the carpets cleaned, but have a lot more of that to do tomorrow. It was a GREAT relaxing day!

This evening, I went with my dad to watch one of his basketball teams play. He is coaching two 8th grade girls teams and neither of them is very good. I keep score whenever I can attend the games. Tonight, his "better" team agreed to play a team in the higher division for "fun". Luckily, the other coach was nice and took it easy on my dad's team. The score was 0-22 at halftime, but they could have had at least 50 points! His team DID do some good things, and had fun, so he was happy and it was good for a laugh.

Finally, one of my FAVORITE shows came back tonight!! I'm SO excited for the new season of Medium ! That, along with the new seasons of The Biggest Loser and The Apprentice, I'm going to have to start working out while I watch TV or I'm going to GAIN weight in the new year rather than lose some!

Overall, I'm happy with the way the past two days have gone. I'm hoping that I'm over the "hump" and don't experience anything like last week for a LONG time! My hormones can be a little crazy, so I'm sure to have some issues at times, but I can't believe it came to that. Anyway, I think I'm "on the mend"--yay!

One day in a row...does that mean anything?

Today I did not cry, and I actually don't remember ever even feeling close to tears. So, that doesn't really say anything about what tomorrow will bring, but today felt good, "better" anyway. Work was fine. I am really very tired and don't feel like writing tonight. So, I guess that's it. Good night.

It's a process...

and I'm "in the midst of it" once again. Loss and grieving "comes with the territory" in my line of work. This time of year seems to be particularly difficult for me. Two years ago, I visited with a woman from the Employee Assistance Program for my "three free sessions". Last year, I attended all of the "debriefing" sessions that were held for the staff in my area. Basically, it seems that I already have good strategies in place to work through the challenging times--faith, prayer, journaling, good support system. So, I don't have a "therapist", but try and do my own "therapy". I'm not sure how great of a job I am doing, but I'm definitely trying! (I don't take ANY medications right now and don't want to start!)

This week was pretty challenging for me. Actually, when I look back on my journal entries here, it seems I have been sad for a couple of weeks. So, I'm wondering if I have a mild case of the "winter blues" in the midst of the stressors of work, family, finances... I have been doing a little reading and it seems that the "cure" for those type of blues is getting some light. The weather here is supposed to be a bit more mild the next few days, so I'll have to make sure to get outside(although the forecast is promising clouds and rain, it HAS to be better than being inside!)! In the meantime, I'll just continue with my own "therapy" and hope that that works (I may also be having some hormonal type issues as well, so time will "heal" that problem!)

Today, I was able to attend the funeral for a former patient. I am SO glad that it worked out for me to go. I followed another patient's mother as we drove the 60 miles to the church while I listened to my Christmas music. The parents were appreciative that we were able to come, and I felt like I was a representative of the people that either could not drive that far, did not have the day off, or just can't "do" funerals. It was a very nice service and a wonderful slide show of her short, but happy and blessed life. God definitely knew what he was doing when he placed her with such loving parents who opened their doors and hearts to her. She touched a lot of lives during her short time here, and now she is free of pain and sickness. I drove home alone through the beautiful countryside still snow-covered, reflecting on life, death, work, family, lots of things. I was reminded about how wonderful it is to have faith that there is a MUCH better place than this life. I do not know how people who do not believe can survive such tragedies as the loss of a child. I can't begin to imagine.

I went to church tonight, since I am working tomorrow. After that, I called a friend I haven't spoken to for a long time and we had a nice visit. Then, I started flipping through a couple of books I purchased at the retreat I attended in November. One of them is called Let Me Sow Love. I just decided to "open" the book and see what was there. I "happened" to be in the chapter titled "Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon...doubt, faith...despair, hope...darkness, light...sadness, joy..." The actual page I turned to had the heading "Some sadness is normal and inevitable" followed by a scripture passage from Job--For misery does not come from the earth, nor does trouble sprout from the ground; but human beings are born to trouble just as sparks fly upward ~Job 5:6-7. This is followed by a nice reflection on responses to sadness. This part "spoke" to me in relation to "sowing joy"--"We don't sow joy by denying sadness. Joy comes not by racing around or bypassing sadness, but walking through sadness. Without the experience of sadness, our joy will be shallow."

I shall close this journal entry with the "Peace Prayer" of St. Francis of Assisi in its entirety. Back to work tomorrow. I must remember that it is my job to bring joy and comfort to those who are sad and hurting. I need to try and leave my "issues" at home, and so that is my prayer for tonight.

"A Simple Prayer"

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For is is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born

to eternal life.