A Little Post-Reunification Stuff

Tonight I had tickets to the show at the local children's theater. I have a season pass, so the little one and I have gone to a dozen (or more!) shows and the teen has joined us for most of them. The season pass is super cheap and I think it is great to introduce her/them to the theater. She is a little young for some of them content-wise, but she does usually pay attention and talks about it later even if it doesn't appear she was paying attention!

I brought the teen to a job fair earlier in the week and we had a good visit. She keeps telling me that school is easy/she hardly has homework/things are going well. Curiosity/temptation got the best of me and I checked her grades online on Wednesday. I've been stewing about them ever since. She had more F's and zeros than I could count on two hands and has D-'s or F's in over half of her classes. I was filled with many different emotions--hurt, disappointment, sadness, frustration, some anger--but really had no clue what to do with the information since I probably shouldn't still have access to her grades. However, it was eating me alive and I knew I couldn't ignore it forever (and her mom would be no help considering when I mentioned to her something on Tuesday about the teen turning in her homework and doing well, her response was "she better be doing her work!") She is going to a private school that her mom (and many other people) is sacrificing to send her to and it barely looks like she is making any sort of effort to do well. 

I knew I needed to be careful about my approach and give her the opportunity to tell her side of the story while reminding her that I do care about her, but this was hurtful to me personally as someone who has invested a lot in helping her to be successful. I ended up failing miserably at this, but I do think she knows something is up. She asked me if I could pick them up early today even though the show was at 7. She said 3:00 would be fine since I said I had stuff to do (which I ended up not doing, but that's beside the point). She texted me at noon that her boyfriend wanted to hang out. I found myself being pretty unaccommodating and making things difficult. Then, I texted her this "I'd normally bend over backwards to help get you to and from, but to be honest, my heart is really hurting because I feel like you have been lying to me about stuff. I shouldn't have taken it out on you without listening to you first, though, so hopefully we can work out something that works for all of us. I do love you. Let me know what you figured out." Her response was "Lying?" and then I knew that I screwed up because who accuses someone of lying via text?!

So, I responded with "Well, maybe not lying as much as not telling the whole truth. It's just hurtful, but I should not have taken it out on you that way without talking about it, so I'm sorry. I was letting my hurt get in the way and I realized that. It totally wasn't fair to take it out on you and him like that, so I apologize for that"..."but, I am hurting and sad, so we will have to talk at some point." She agreed to that, but there ended up not being a good time for us to talk. We visited at a coffee shop with the little one until he came to the mall. Then, she was 15 minutes late getting back making us late getting dinner and nearly late to the show. She never apologized for that which was a little annoying, but she was totally "cool" the rest of the time with pretty open conversation. That made me feel even more bad about calling her out via text message! 

After I dropped them off, I texted her and offered to talk to her on the phone. She said she'd rather not. I texted her back "Ok, I understand if you'd rather talk face-to-face. I agree that's probably best and respect your choice. I also really respect your maturity and treating me with respect even though you probably were kind of upset with me. You really are a great kid!" She responded with a "thanks" and that she had tried to talk to me too, but there hadn't been a good time when we were together. So, nothing really got solved there, but she did say she was going to try really hard in geometry so she could help one of her friends (geometry is one of the classes she is doing really badly in). She also "mentioned" that her boyfriend said they shouldn't text after school so she can stay focused (or something along those lines). Therefore, I believe she kind of knew where my hurt was coming from. I just wish she had been honest and told me that she was having a hard time with things but making adjustments and getting help or something rather than just telling me everything was "perfect" when they obviously are not.

Anyway, while she was off with her boyfriend, the little one and I stayed at the coffee shop. I brought her a little coloring book which we did for a while and then she wanted to take pictures. She likes to "pose" which is a little annoying since those pictures don't turn out that great, but this one with her fingers in front of her face was perfect blog photo, so I was okay with it ;) I'm actually posting all the pictures she took, even the ones of me that aren't so flattering. She and I had fun and she asked to stay the night. I told her that we had to plan that kind of thing in advance but that I could talk to her mom. After I dropped them off, I got a text from their mom "Thanks, L is so happy right now..."

And that makes the 16 months of drama and the 4 1/2 months since then worth it...

Update

I stayed home sick from work today and still am not feeling that great. I am thankful, though, that I threw up while it was still early enough to call in sick rather than making it to work and getting sick there. I was having horrible sharp upper abdominal pains that kept me from sleeping for a while, but finally subsided enough for me to sleep all afternoon. I just had some chicken noodle soup and hopefully my stomach is okay with that. My mom brought me ginger ale on her way to work which was great :) I'm also thankful that I COULD just sleep all day and wasn't responsible for anyone else.

I got a call from the caseworker during my nap. Apparently she was in a car accident which is why she didn't call back yesterday. She said that they found a family who could take the little boy yesterday. I figured that would end up being the case, but at least they know I'm "ready". She said my file is still marked that I'm "on a break", so I need to decide when I want them to change that. I'm still planning to be "picky" and patient because that did very well for me last time :)

So, that's the update. Even though I've been resting all day, I'm struggling to stay awake. Being sick stinks :(

No News

I did not hear anything back about the potential placement I heard about last night. I left a message with the caseworker who called me, but never heard back. I called my caseworker and told her about that placement. She said she had been on call a couple weekends in a row and had me in her mind, but none of the calls she got sounded like a good "match". I love that my agency tries to "match" placements to homes in order to make them as successful as possible. I know that my asking to wait until Sunday put me at a "risk" of him being placed somewhere else, but that's how it needed to be. There is no way it would have worked for either of us before then. So, if this placement doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, but she knows that I'm "ready"...when the right placement comes along.

I wasn't very productive today in getting ready for a (potential) two-year-old, but things will come together.

I brought the teen to an open job interview. I helped her fill out her application and did a little "pep talk" before the interview (which she didn't think she needed, but I told her to make sure to speak loud enough for the other person to hear and look at them...two things she struggles with around new people). It was a blessing to be there for her first interview and help with that. I don't think her mom would have been able to help her the way I could, so that was special too. Unfortunately, her mom told me that she knew nothing about the plan to go to the interview today even though I specifically told the teen to talk to her mom. Given the fact that I trust the teen more than her mom, I think I approached the subject well and was not surprised that the teen said she told her mom about it more than once. I'm not sure what the point of her mom telling me that the teen doesn't communicate with her was, but I just told the teen she has to work it out.

The girls' mom said I could bring both girls to the children's theater on Friday night. She said her Friday was open, so I could come get them whenever. The teen is to let me know what works for her (and communicate with her mom). Apparently, their mom decided that the little one didn't need to go to school which is really sad for me, and not cool for her. It's been over a month since I've seen the little one, so it will be interesting to see how she behaves after living "structure-less" for over four months. When I texted their mom last night at 8:30 about the job fair, she didn't respond. When I talked to her today, she said she had gone to bed early, so didn't get the text until today. So, I wonder who put the kids to bed...but trying not to "wonder" too much since it's out of my control. All I can do is keep being a positive influence (and try not to drive myself crazy!)

Well, that's a longer update than I planned, but there you go ;)
Good night.

A New Adventure?

Today was a crazy hectic day at work. Maybe because I'd had two days off or it was Monday or a combination of that and just busy patients, but it was pretty nuts. One of my patients was a cute baby girl who has a chronic illness and I suppose you would call "medically fragile". I have said that I wouldn't say I'd "never" take one of our transplant patients as a foster child, but it wouldn't probably be my first choice. However, hearing part of her story, I was thinking that I could take her (and her young mom) in and teach her mom how to care for her/bond with her and send them on their way. Of course, I've never met her mom and she never called today to check on her, so maybe it wouldn't end up like that, but I definitely thought about it (and said it out loud a couple of times).

With all that talking about being a foster mom, I shouldn't have been surprised that there was a voice mail on my cell phone when I got off work about a potential placement.

The caseworker called shortly before I got off, so I knew I had some time to think (at least the drive home!) I decided to call my sister instead of my parents and I'm really glad that I did that (I'm not sure why I did...I guess I went with my gut and it was right!) She actually had some REALLY good insight :)

The story is that this little one has a family who is planning to adopt him. However, the termination of parental rights will not happen until early summer. For some reason, he needs to be in my county and not in the county where the adoptive parents live. My agency would prefer the child stay within their agency (maybe this family just moved? I'm not sure and I guess it doesn't really matter that much.)

My sister made a good point that a 2 1/2 year old boy would keep me very busy. However, there is a (supposed) "end date"...and the "plan" is that he will leave here for an adoptive placement. Also, they said that he would go to the adoptive parents' home on weekends. Another good point from someone on twitter is that this is SO different than the girls' case that there is no competition/comparison.

My issue with saying "definitely yes" is that this week is super busy. I have tomorrow off, but am bringing the teen to a job fair. I work Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I made plans to bring both girls to a show at the children's theater. Saturday, I am meeting about my taxes, getting my hair colored, and going to a fundraiser at my high school alma mater where the teen will be volunteering. After that, I'm off Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

So, I said that if he could wait to be moved until Sunday, I'd take him. They were going to continue to look for someone who could take him sooner and let me know tomorrow what is decided. I feel badly that this kid would be going back in forth and my schedule is anything but "normal" so he'll have lots of time at day care during the week which stinks, but it does seem like it would be a good "second placement".

If it is to be, it will be, and I'll find out tomorrow. I'll post an update when I have time/information :)
Good night.

Life in (Cell Phone) Pictures

I know I need to do a real update about the work situation, but it's been a while since I wrote anything here, so wanted to check in :) I uploaded some pictures from my cell phone to my computer, so thought that would be a fun update.

I've been trying to clean/organize to get ready for the party I was having today/for future foster placements. I found this note and picture from Sara/Gitzen Girl. I miss her...forever and always a "Gitzen Girl Groupie"...

I bought some boots that appear to be at least close to the "trend" as well as a pair of "skinny jeans". My mom gave me the green jacket as well as the striped shirt, so I believe I sent these pictures to her (and maybe to twitter). I know I'm by no means "skinny", but looking back at older pictures during my cleaning make me believe I really did lose nearly 10 pounds last year

I painted one wall in my bedroom when I first moved into this house "beach ball yellow". I tried doing a sponge paint thing but didn't do it right, so it just looked like I got it wet and messed up the paint. However, it took me over eight years to fix it. I bought new bedding on sale (still expensive, but SO comfy!) and painted the walls gray. I really like it!

My mom gave me a gr0up0n for shellac before Christmas. I have done it three times since then and I really like it. I've been a nail biter forever, but can't with this. Now I have nails AND the manicure stayed nice even through the painting project and cleaning/organizing.

I got this really great canvas in the mail from a twitter/blog friend. I hung it in my new gray bedroom on  a nail that was already there but it will probably be moved since it's kind of hidden. (This picture was taken in my kitchen...the wall colors in there are "Bordeaux".)

This purple room is where the little one slept, even though it was/is mostly a junk room. I have done a lot of work in here, but there is still a lot more to do to make it a functional room. I'm not sure if I'll be able to use it as a bedroom again since I was really lucky she never got into anything she wasn't supposed to!

I moved the table to that space (after I cleared it off and removed the stickers...gotta love goo gone!) There used to be an armoire there, but I moved it into the purple room for now since I thought my bedroom seemed too cluttered with it in there.

All week, they were predicting a big snow for today. I went to the store last night and quickly snapped this picture. There were no bananas and very few fruits/vegetables of any kind, but I did get what I needed.

It really did snow and it was a wet and heavy snow that was perfect for snowmen making, but not-so-much for shoveling. It cleared off quickly and the plows came through early, so I didn't have to cancel my party.

I sent out seven invitations to people from church. One couple emailed me soon after they got the invite that they and their two kids would not be able to come. Another person emailed me last night that she had a funeral to go to so couldn't make it. I wasn't sure what would happen with the snow, but everyone lives close and were all excited to get out of the house since it wasn't too bad. There ended up being 9 adults (including me) and 10 kids aged 6 and under. I made Taco Soup (I'll have to post the recipe next time) which was a huge hit and ordered some pizzas. The kids played in my play room and did more playing than eating, so I have quite a bit of pizza left. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work and thought maybe the dads would watch TV in the living room or something and the moms would be down with the kids or a mix of both...I didn't have any plans bedsides the food and getting a craft for the kids to do in case they got bored.

As it turned out, the three dads who could come went downstairs and visited while the kids played. The  kids migrated upstairs as they got hungry and then went back to play. They played with the Barbies, babies, kitchen, paint, markers, pretty much everything in my apparently well-stocked play room :) I was surprised to see how clean it was when they left (these are "after" pictures!) It was so great having something social to do and I think everyone had a good time. One of the moms I invited had never met the others, so I'm glad I was able to include her and her two girls had a fun time with the other kids (there were 7 girls and 3 boys...I need to "get" a little girl to fit right in...sad that I had a little girl who would have and we never got together the whole time she lived with me!)

Well, this is a lot longer of an update than I planned, but that's what's been going on in my life that has been "picture worthy". Tomorrow I am off and get to go have a pedicure with my mom and sister :)

Good night.

Now What

I met with one of the women I wrote about in this post (the other one was busy with our big document deadline). I thought I would feel empowered and ready to take on the "world". However, I just don't. In fact, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, wondering why I ever thought I could actually be that "bold". I'm not sure what happened, but I'm definitely not feeling nearly as confident (and competent) as I did about "taking action" a week ago. Deep down, I know that I want to do what is "right" and be an advocate for myself and my co-workers. I know that a change can't happen unless it starts somewhere. I also know that I have support from people who don't work on my unit (and in "high places" even), but I'm still scared. (Maybe I need to pull out my copy of What Women Fear and re-read a chapter or two...ha!)

So, I'm not sure what is going to happen from here. She gave me the suggestion to ask management to let me borrow a copy of their "relationship-based care" book, but also said that I should bring a trusted person with me whenever I go talk to them. I'm not sure who would go with me or how long it would take me to get them to "buy into" how I want to handle things. So, in a sense, it could be easier to do alone, but it is still scary either way.

More to come...it's past my bed time and I haven't had to get up early for a few days.

Good night.

On My Mind

As I was painting my bedroom this afternoon, I realized that I have a lot on my mind. I was wishing I could "talk it out" while I painted and have it show up on my blog, but I'm not that technologically inclined...ha! I haven't been having trouble sleeping in recent days, but I feel like it would be good to lay it all out there, so to speak.

• I'm thinking about the meeting I'm planning to have with management. I need to get my notes organized. I need to figure out what my "goal" is going to be. I need to decide what I want to bring to the table. I'm not sure I can/should use other people's experiences/stories to validate what I have to say/as examples of why people don't trust them/times they de-valued our concerns. I have tried to keep my planning of this meeting on the "down low", but it came out yesterday at work to two people, making that 5 co-workers who know. I'm hoping they keep it quiet too because making it a "big deal" is not my goal (although I do want to make a difference and things better for all of us).
• I'm thinking about an email my mom sent me. I was on the offensive last week, so I called my aunt to read it to her before I did anything with it. My new nephew is due March 10. On March 3, there is an out-of-town (a 2-3 hour drive) shower for one cousin followed by a wedding reception for another cousin. My mom emailed me that my sister "obviously" could not go and that she wasn't making plans to go given the birth of the baby (even though the thought is that she'll probably have him in February due to her gestational diabetes). She wrote this to me: "Given what all is going on with that timing, you could determine if you would go or stay to help with the baby and/or the other nephew. Either way is "right"." Seriously, did she suggest I should skip the shower/reception because my sister could have had just had a baby/could be having a baby?! My aunt didn't think it deserved a response, but I emailed her back that I would finalize my plans when it gets closer.
• I didn't mention to my mom that I have pretty much told the agency that I would start accepting calls for placements. Technically, I have said that I am "almost ready" but they can call with any "perfect" placements and I have day care figured out (I think). My dad knows I'm close and I mentioned it to my aunt as well as on fb. I don't want to deal with any potential negativity from my mom, so she'll find out what the timing is right. My aunt mentioned that there are a couple of guys that she/her friends want me to meet, so I'm also thinking about that...although I'd rather not. I'm reading "Raising Abel" and sort of feeling inadequate and encouraged at the same time. I definitely don't see myself being able to handle what the author did, but I feel like I'm learning some tools that will help me with any future placement (since my first was really easy in the grand scheme of things).
• I'm thinking about the girls. When I did respite care on Friday night, the little boy asked for the little one the whole time. He didn't understand that she doesn't live here any more. I didn't really want to talk about being a foster child who goes home because I'm not sure he'll be going home. He was really good for me one-on-one, but he has a lot of behaviors stemming from whatever happened before he was born/in that critical time after he was born. I saw the teen's advisor after church and she said that the teen has slipped some in her grades/performance including not turning in homework. I haven't checked her grades this quarter because I don't know what I would do with the information. I want to trust her when she says she is doing fine and turning in her homework/trying her best and am afraid that is not what I will see if I look myself. I know she is in transition and it is out of my control. All I can do is remind her to do her best and know that I did everything I could while she was here to instill confidence and a desire to succeed.
• I'm thinking about the fact that I invited a bunch of people to my house on Saturday. I sent out seven invitations which is 14 adults and 12 kids (5 and under). There is a lot more I want to have done before then, but am scheduled to work Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. My dad is going on vacation Wednesday, so I need to have the second coat of paint done tomorrow if I want him to help me move my furniture back. I think I may try to get tomorrow off work so I am not as stressed out trying to get things done on Tuesday after all my meetings and Thursday with working the days in between. I try not to voluntarily take days off so I can save my PTO for when we are forced off and I'll need hours in case my future kid gets sick/for my vacations.
• I'm thinking I probably should get off the couch and organize some papers...I'm a paper hoarder and very sentimental about "things" making it hard to get rid of things, but I'm trying!

Good night :) 

Choose: Change

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Mohandas Gandhi

Yesterday was a really good day at work. No yelling and no crying. I really needed a nice, smooth, drama-free day after the way the week was going. The night charge nurse kind of let an extra nurse work which was quite the change from how Monday went. I actually was a little bit "bored", but that's never a word you use in my kind of work (or probably any kind of work!) However, I was counting my blessings and thanking God for answering my prayers for a quiet shift all day long :)

I found a couple trusted people to talk to about what happened on Tuesday after my meeting (a Child Life specialist and one of the day shift charge nurses). During our conversation as well as the couple of conversations I had with one of the women from Tuesday, I decided that HR wasn't the right way to go. She also told me that it would be hard to explain why she was at the meeting if she was. However, all of us agreed that I do need to have someone else there whenever I meet with them. I don't want it to be awkward since I should be able to talk to management myself, but I also don't want my words twisted around (or ignored) and I don't want to be "bullied" (or told things would change without anyone there to hold them accountable to their promises). 

I am going to meet with two of the women on Tuesday morning to go over my "notes". I need to put together what I want to say/what the purpose of the meeting is. Basically, I think that my strongest emotion is sadness. I'm sad that this is the way things are. I'm sad that people don't trust them. I'm sad that they have seem to have no clue about a lot of things. I'm sad that the joy of my work is often corrupted by "drama" and "politics" that sometimes hinders the care I am able to give. 

It makes me nervous, but I feel like it is my responsibility to say something now that I know something needs to be said. If I want there to be a change, I need to "be the change". I can't wait for someone else to do something (especially since people have already tried). It takes a long time to re-build trust, but the re-building can't start until they know it needs to happen. 

More to come on this, but less than four weeks into the year and I think "Choose" was a good word for 2012...especially since Choosing "Change" isn't something I would normally do.

One Day at a Time

The past two days have been rough. My "getting ready" has pretty much come to a halt since I worked Saturday, Sunday, and Monday and had two meetings today (and work again tomorrow). I'm going to have to "pick up the pace" the next couple of days while also trying not to go crazy since I'm baby-sitting on Friday night and my party is next Saturday.

Yesterday morning, I completely blew up at work. I rarely get that angry, especially not to the point of yelling at the person who pissed me off. I typically hold any anger inside and eventually let it go (although am slow to forget/forgive). I did let the person talk to me later regarding why she made the decision she did (that completely screwed my continuity of care/patient assignment on my third day in a row of working). I still don't agree with the decision, but maybe even more angry that she felt forced into making what I feel was a "not right" decision because of the way management is. I love my job because of the patients/families (even though one family was pushing my limits after the third day of their "special requests" even though they actually are nice people). I also like the majority of my co-workers. However, the "politics" and "drama" is not enjoyable.

I am usually a positive person. I try to be "glass half-full" even when the people all around me freely share their negative thoughts (every.single.day). I remember Sara and "Choosing Joy", but I'm growing weary of "fighting the masses" in regards to management when I have a hard time believing they are as good as I want to believe they are.

This afternoon, I sat in a work meeting fighting back the tears. I'm on a committee with nurses from all areas of the hospital working for the hospital to get recognized for excellence in nursing. One of our roles is to get "buy in" from the rest of the hospital and spread the word of all the amazing things our hospital and nurses are doing. I am thankful for this committee filled with nurses who love what they do and lots of the time I feel empowered when I leave. Today, though, it was hard listening to another manager talk about how important this is when I have gotten minimal support from my own manager. As I listened to people share, I got more and more upset about the way things are on my unit.

After the meeting, I couldn't hold off the tears and they came pouring out as I talked to a couple of people who actually work with upper management. It was nice to let it all out while also receiving the support I was obviously missing more than I knew. It is hard for me to talk to my peers (I'm sure I've written a few posts about things of that nature, but won't search for them now). It's even harder when you meet with your peers who are supposed to be the floor "cheerleaders" and are met with negativity and lack of interest when my role is to share and spread "the good stuff". Harder still is not having management back you up on a committee that the Chief Nursing Officer believes to be of "utmost" importance.

I have come to the conclusion after many days of nights of thinking that there is one really bit thing that is missing on my unit. Trust. The nurses on my unit do not trust management. How can you build a relationship without trust? How can we make improvements and grow when we can't trust our leaders?

Also, though, how can you fix something if you don't know it's broken? I don't think management has a clue how broken things are, especially since it is my perception that staff nurses' concerns are often de-valued, sometimes even ignored.

So, I think I need to go talk to management and discuss my "observations". I'm going to bring a "neutral" someone with me if/when I do, though, for my own "protection". It scares me to think about potential confrontation, but I'm not sure how much longer I can continue pretending like everything is okay. I'm going to need lots of prayers to keep my composure and not let my emotions get the best of me. I'll make sure to have all my notes ready, and maybe even practice my "speech" too.

Not going to happen tomorrow, but I do have to go back to work, so I'd better get some rest.
Good night.

Getting Ready

Two weeks from today, I am having a party at my house. I sent 7 invitations, so it's going to a be a "full house". I'm not exactly sure what we'll do, but those 7 invitations includes 12 kids 5 and under, so it could be crazy!

I still have quite a bit of work to do to get my house "party ready", but I feel like I made some good progress this week. I rearranged some furniture in my living room and painted one of the pieces, so it looks really nice (I think so anyway...I am not at all an interior designer!) I am going to paint my bedroom and hope to get that done this week. I'm really looking forward to having a "grown-up" bedroom!

I bought some bed rails at a resale store for the bed in the room where the teen slept. I found plastic mattress covers at the dollar store.

I got reimbursed for the "day care fiasco" from the little one, so now the case is really closed. I am planning to go look at a day care near my house and my job that is open 24 hours on my next day off.

I picked up the teen from school on Thursday and we "hung out" before she came with me to a training at my foster care agency. She volunteered with the day care and I got to visit with other foster parents. The training was about the new visitation component of the agency that sounds amazing. Supervised and semi-supervised visits were not enjoyable experiences for me the first time around (visitation in general actually was the worst part of the whole experience, but having a reliable and dedicated agency will help SO much!)

I have posted on facebook a couple of times that I believe I am "almost ready" to open up the phone lines to potential foster placements. I have gotten positive responses from them. I have not directly talked to my parents, but did talk about it at therapy yesterday and to my agency worker a couple of times the past two weeks.

I am still going to "choose" wisely, but in the mean time, I am "getting ready" (even though I should have been sorting papers rather than watching TV and writing this post...)

Good night.

Living With the Choices

This afternoon, I was talking to two high school Seniors from my alma mater who were volunteering on my unit. I've talked to them before, but it had been a while. Today, they started asking me questions about being a Nurse Practitioner versus being a Physician's Assistant, dealing with patient death's as a pediatric nurse, and being a nurse in general.

As I answered their questions, I also shared a lot about myself, including some of the choices I have made to get me to this point. I got a 32 on my ACT. I graduated third in my class of 64 with a 4.0. I was involved in lots of activities and held officer positions in a couple of clubs. They were "wowed" by those facts and thought I "for sure" would have had a full ride scholarship to college. Well, I was offered an almost full-ride (75% tuition plus $1000 room and board) to a local private university. However, my "dream" was to go to college out-of-state. So, I took my scholarship that ended up barely paying for one class by the end of my four years and went 500 miles away to college. Even though it's been nearly 10 years since I graduated, I can't see an end to the student loan payments.

When I was about to graduate from college (with my Bachelor's of Science in Nursing--in 4 years without any summer school thank-you-very-much [with closer to a "B" average than an "A" one]), I had a choice to make. I could stay where I was, I could go back home, or somewhere else altogether. I had an East Coast fascination (obsession) with years of watching Regis & Kathie Lee and the Today show as a middle schooler on. I looked at East Coast Universities, but ultimately chose differently. The children's hospital back home was offering a $10,000 sign on bonus and tuition reimbursement. The East Coast children's hospital I chose couldn't even guarantee me full-time hours, and had no tuition reimbursement or sign-on bonus. I moved over 1000 miles away from home knowing no one. I lived by myself in a two-bedroom apartment for an entire year (the first three months my sister lived with me).

As I spoke, it was hard to remember what was going through my mind when I was making those tough choices (and as I write, I wonder what my parents were thinking as I was making those decisions!) They asked me if I was making the same decisions now, if I would do things differently or not.

I told them that I don't have regrets about the decisions I made, even though thinking about how much money I could have saved while I am currently in a lot of debt does make me question it a little bit. I said that you can't put a price on experiences and encounters.

Where would I be now if I didn't decide to go away to college or go away to work? Would I feel "stuck" in my hometown wondering why I never took a chance to try something else? Would I really believe that I could manage "on my own" and feel comfortable meeting new people in unfamiliar places? Would I be confident enough to "take charge" had I not left my comfort zone? While surely there would have been as many "cool people" had I chosen another path, there are so many people who helped shape me to the person I am today that removing one of them would change who I have become.

And, like I told the girls when they asked about taking care of patients who die...I believe that every person comes into my life for a reason...to teach me something...to help me be a better daughter/sister/friend/nurse/mom...to remind me that life is precious and not to take any moment for granted.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean
I used this quote in every college admission and scholarship essay and still hold the message close to my heart. Not to live recklessly, but intentional about the choices I make each and every day.

Good night.

Gentle Reminders

I had to switch shifts at work in order to be off for the court hearing. I'm still not sure how I feel about the case being closed, but the girls' mom did text me back when I texted her yesterday, so it isn't like that fact closed off communication or anything. I am hopeful that it won't change anything...and actually maybe this will make the relationship less "threatening"...if there ever was a "threat".

Because I switched shifts, I worked Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. 12-hour shifts usually turn into nearly 13 and I rarely work three of them in a row since I enjoy my couch and my sleep ;) However, these three actually were good ones and I worked with my "work friend" for two of them (I know I wrote about the fact that I now have a "work friend" but I'm not going to go look for the link now...but, just in case I "forget", this friend has the same name as my sister only spelled differently. ;) ) We had good teamwork and actually had some "down time" moments where we could visit and watch "Utube"videos and such.

Yesterday (Sunday) was "family day"...and a busy one! I went to my mom and dad's after church and my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew were there (my parents go to 9:00 church and I go to 11). There was a ton of leftover breakfast (sausage, bacon, and hash browns) and my mom made more chocolate chip pancakes for me. My sister and brother-in-law went to the grocery store, so my mom gave my nephew a bath and then we "baby-sat" until they came back from the store (I believe my mom even let me be the only one in the room with him for a little while...for some reason my sister and mom seem to be anxious about that...at least it feels like it sometimes.)

I then went with my dad to watch one of his basketball teams play. He coaches two 7th grade girls teams and I haven't been able to go to many games this season (I went to one "A" game and yesterday was my first "B" game since the other team forfeited when I went last week.) He let his assistant coaches coach and they didn't do it like he usually does, so that was sad and his team probably would have won if they ran things the way he usually does...oh well, it was still a good game (and I got to see one of the women who was at the Thanksgiving retreat I attended since her daughter was on the other team.)

Before the game, I also talked to one of the girls' mom's. She is a pediatrician, but we actually talked about my foster parenthood. It felt good to talk about it, especially in light of the "case closed" from this week. She asked me how day care worked during that 16 months and I found myself talking about how my mom and dad picked them up/dropped them off and my sister watched the little one for 10 months. I wasn't really thinking about how much help they were to me until she pointed it out. She said they didn't have grandparents nearby. I needed that gentle reminder after the complaining that I do and my thoughts about what could happen when I take another placement. My family really is great and have been supportive of me and my choices the best way they know how...even though sometimes it doesn't feel like they understand.

After that game, I went with my mom and sister to watch a college basketball game. My dad had other things to do and my mom's boss had three tickets (since he wasn't going but his wife was). The seats are awesome and it was a good game. I got to talk to her boss' wife for a little while (maybe even more than I talked to my mom and sister, actually!)

Then, as if the day wasn't busy enough, I met up with a friend from high school and her friend for a couple of drinks. She is actually going out-of-town tomorrow on a "mommy spa vacation" by herself for four days to recoup from a stress/anxiety/depression filled few months. I think it's awesome that she is doing that for herself and that her husband thought it was important. She talked about how her in-laws help with their boys and it was another gentle reminder to me as I was questioning the weird vs non-weird-ness of my mom giving my nephew a bath and my sister and brother-in-law waiting until someone could watch their kid for them to go to the grocery store. I guess you appreciate the help you can get...and if you don't have to do it alone, then don't?

Today was another jam-packed day...but enjoyable and not at all productive at home! I went to a staff meeting at work that went from 7:30-9:00. Usually I don't go on my days off, but there isn't one on any of the days I work this week. Since they were discussing our job satisfaction scores, I thought it was important to be there. I was able to give my "two cents" and then some about the way things are right now (not great). I'm actually glad I wasn't working because I never would have been able to stay that long!

After the meeting, I went and got my progesterone shot for my PCOS that still is not at all under control (hoping they are learning from me and eventually we can come up with a good balance that doesn't involve progesterone shots because they HURT!) Then, I went and worked out. After THAT, I went to the horse races with my dad. We were there for 2 1/2 hours and bet a LOT of races. We only won once, but it was enough that I came out $2 ahead :)

I went to the grocery store, took a nap, then went to my dad's basketball game (they won by a lot tonight!). I watched my "teeny bopper" shows and ate pizza while drinking a Woodchuck. After that, I wrote a long and boring blog post about the events of the past three days ;)

I'm thankful for the gentle reminders the past few days to be grateful for the blessings in my life...

Case Closed

(Summer 2010)

Today there was a review hearing on the girls' case. I normally wouldn't have been invited/attended, but there was an issue with day care payment. The GAL told me she would ask the judge to force the State to pay the week of day care they are refusing to pay. So, I had to be in attendance in case I needed to testify/give additional information. Of course, I was super stressed even though she assured me it was "no big deal"!

I texted the girls' mom yesterday to let her know that I'd be in attendance for that reason. She texted me early this morning to see what time court was (for the record, this is third time I had to tell her the date and time of her hearing). Good thing she and I get along because we were the only ones from the case present in the waiting room (the last two times I went I sat with my foster care specialist way in the back and did not really talk to the girls' mom). 

When we were called to court, I discovered that the GAL who told me to come wasn't there, but she had sent someone in her place. That person told me she didn't really think it would be as the other GAL told me and it definitely wouldn't be a "piece of cake"...awesome, as if I wasn't anxious enough! Then, once the hearing started, the State worker said she wasn't going to accept the day care information since she didn't have a copy of it (or was going to refuse it or something that did not start things off right!) Thankfully, the Judge said I didn't have to go to the witness stand and did say that the State and foster care agency had to work out something within the week for payment to the day care. I'm hoping this means that I am "off the hook" in having to pay the $155 (and don't have to consider small claims court which was the suggestion from the stand-in GAL). 

Other than waiting for the day care issue to be resolved, the recommendation from everyone was that the case be closed. I was actually surprised since they've been home less than four months after spending about 22 months in care. While I didn't think they would end up back in care nor did I want that to happen, it was still bittersweet hearing those words "case closed". I liked the security of knowing that people were checking up on things when I wasn't there. I liked knowing that she had to stay here in the State since she is known to "skip town". 

But, now they can go on living life together without worrying that could change in an instant (well, I guess if she messes up big time, then it could, but fortunately, I don't really feel that will happen). The girls are happy and they are safe. I think it is going to take me a long time to forgive her for the way she treated the girls while they were in my care and I don't think I'll ever be able to use the word "good" to describe her capability as a mother. However, as long as she continues to allow me to see them and spend time with them, I believe they have the best of both worlds.

And, I'm very proud of the work that I have done in the 19 months I have known them...and look forward to seeing where life takes them.

(December 2011)

After court, I called my foster care specialist to fill her in on what happened at court. We visited for half an hour. I'm still praying about it, but think I'm almost ready for the phone lines to be open to taking calls for future placements. Like my therapist told me, my sister didn't ask anyone if March was a good time to have a baby, so I shouldn't be "required" to ask anyone else if now is a good time to get another placement. However, I will definitely keep my family's feelings in mind when it comes time to make a decision, but ultimately, the choice will be mine...

Wordless Wednesday

I love them...
And, "someone" told me during a texting conversation that her "guy friend" is now her "boyfriend"...

Keeping It Real

Even though it is called "One Word 365", I'm thinking I'd like to write about things other than "Choose" some times, but I did pick that word because it was something that was relevant to every day, so we'll see what happens!

The past couple of days have brought me some internal struggles. Rather than simply "choosing" to forget them/put them in the past, I think it is important to write them down and then "let them go" that way.

Saturday, I did have a good day at work. My "one" work friend (meaning, pretty much the only person who I work with that I actually talk to outside work) and I got to work together and we were busy, but at least we were together. I found out that my co-workers are going to have a "biggest loser" contest. I would like to participate since at work, I'm not much seen as "social" most of the time. However, it costs $20 to enter the contest which is a lot of money in my opinion. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, but even if I was "miraculously" able to drop to 110 or 115 (I'm 5 feet tall), I doubt that would be anywhere close to winning percentage wise. So, I'll have to choose other ways to be more "socially active" on my unit...in something that doesn't cost as much money!

I was invited to the bar after work, but had already been invited to a "jewelry party" with some people from church. I hadn't seen them in a long time and it was nice to catch up. It sounds like one of the dates I picked in February to have people over will work for most people, so that will be fun! We talked about my foster parenting journey since I hadn't seen them much/at all when I had the girls or in the time since they went back home. In conversation, I quickly realized that all of them have kids the little one's age. I became disappointed with myself that I/we didn't get together and she lived her for 16 months! I guess never during that time did I believe she would be here that long. So, maybe it was done subconsciously (or consciously except I don't remember!) to protect her from getting close to many people she wouldn't see again? Or, maybe if it would have been just her, I would have done more  "play dates", but since it was her and a teenager, there were other things we did with the time we had?

Maybe if we we done "play dates" during those 16 months, she would be better at socializing with her peers, maybe she would know her colors, maybe she would be able to recognize her letters...I know I shouldn't beat myself up because there was so much I DID teach and show her, but the "what ifs" were loud and clear this weekend... I suppose every parent has things they wish they would have done differently, said differently, so there is no reason to think I should be immune to that, but it doesn't change the feeling (and why I called this post "keeping it real"...these guilty/regretful feelings were/are there and I ought not pretend they don't exist...)

Also, my mom "suggested" that I tell my sister I would be on her list of people to call when she goes into labor to watch my nephew. That brought a variety of feelings from guilt that I didn't think of it myself and offer without feeling a "guilt trip" first to resentment that it felt like I was "expected" to offer since it isn't like I have anything else going on. I love my sister and I love my nephew (and my mom too, of course!) and I do think this is kind of a "sisterly duty" to help...and surely I would want the same assistance. However, I can't help but think about all the times we are together and half the time I feel like they don't even trust me to be alone with him...which is so crazy considering I have been taking care of younger people since my sister was born (shortly before I turned two ;) ) but, it's definitely a "vibe" I get (maybe unfounded, but again, just keeping it real). Thankfully, when my sister brought it up, she was nice about it and said she'd have me "on the list"...and I'll get her my work schedule (crazy it could only be 6 more weeks!)

Another "issue" I had with the "suggestion" is the feeling that my family would be really upset with me if I even "toyed" with the idea of accepting another placement any time soon. I'm not 100% sure I'm ready yet, but I'm definitely feeling like I'll be ready before my family will think it's "ok". I know that my decision will be made to do what is best for me and what I feel God is calling me to do, but it is hard to even think about the possibility of hurting my family in the process. This post is long enough, but  yesterday I read book two of this series. That will be an entire post in itself, but the "long story short" is that I still believe God has called me to be a foster mom to at least one more child. I don't know when or what that child will look like, but hopefully I am wrong about how my family will feel about it.

This isn't exactly how this post was written in my head, but I feel better putting the feelings of jealousy, regret, guilt, resentment, and hurt out there so I can look back and see how far I've come when they truly are in the past :)

Good night.

Choose: Community

I'm sitting here wearing a new (purple) sweater, new ("skinny") jeans, and new boots (black with buckles). I'm sort of wishing I had somewhere fun to go this evening since I'm feeling "cute". But, instead I'm choosing to write about the positives (other than the fact that these jeans are my first purchase from Americ@n E@gle, I only paid $25 for the boots at K0hl's when they were regularly $70 and the cute sweater came from my grandma for Christmas).

One of the things I mentioned this post was choosing to cultivate friendships and community this year. Making and keeping friends can be hard work, especially when the "best" friends I have "live in my computer" (aka far away). However, the movie nights, dinner dates, coffee meet-ups, game days, pizza parties, etc. aren't going to plan themselves...and getting invited to anything that is planned isn't going to happen if I don't express interest in doing anything (or say yes when people do think to ask me).

So, after realizing that I haven't hung out with people from church in a long time (and visiting with one couple after church on Sunday and running into another one at the store), I decided to plan something. I found a couple of dates in February when I was off two days in a row and sent a fb message. So far, one of the dates works for the three people who responded, so hopefully it will work for the other three as well. That message also led to an invitation to a jewelry party tomorrow night. I have to work, but they live down the street, so I can easily pop home to change and then head over. She also invited everyone else in the "thread", so I would say I started a "ripple effect" ;)

I also got an email from my "longest friend" (I used to baby-sit her kids) this week. She wrote "Cute Christmas card. I am totally missing you." Of course, that made me tear up because I totally miss her too...it has been a LONG time since we visited! So, I sent her a bunch of dates that I'm off during the next few weeks. I haven't heard back from her, but hopefully we can connect this month.

My friend that I met through foster parenting before I was a foster parent (she was a family support worker and I was a nurse assigned to supervised visits) texted me this week to see if I wanted to do a morning movie today. She adopted two kids from foster care and has a foster son right now that is very challenging. She has been a great resource and support to me and I definitely think I'll need her if/when I accept another placement. So, we met to see the movie War Horse. However, I didn't look at the movie times again, so we planned on a 10:35 showing only to find out that today's showings were at 10:15 and 11:15. We had nearly 45 minutes to spare (we didn't realize there would be nearly 20 minutes of previews!), so walked to a coffee shop and visited there for a while. It was a long movie so we didn't have that much time to chat over "lunch" before she had to pick up her kids, but it was a great way to spend the day :)

I am looking forward to writing more about how "choosing" is working for me this year!

Choosing to Choose

Yesterday, I met with my "spiritual director". She is a really sweet woman and I'm blessed to have found what is a bit like another therapist, only free...and we do talk about some things that I don't talk about at therapy, but I'm definitely someone who likes to "talk it out" (hence my super long posts all the time!)

She was curious as to what I had decided on for my "One Word" since I had not 100% decided on "Choose" when we met at the beginning of December. I let her know about the post that Sara's sister wrote that pretty much "sealed the deal" and also that Alece had chosen the same word, which is cool too. Even though, like I mentioned in my first OneWord365 post, I sort of like being a quiet member of these (extremely) large communities, but am thankful that I have the opportunity to be a member and change my mind at any time in terms of how much I want to do. In any case, I think it will serve as a great reminder for me and also keep me accountable.

As she and I talked about what I want "Choose" to look like, I mentioned that I wasn't going to leave "trust" in the past. It isn't "so last year" and I know that I want my choices to be intentional and based on trusting God's hand in my life and it's journey. I also understand that just because I am focusing on "choosing", it isn't in order to be reckless because "I have choices", the choice is mine, free will kind of thing. However, I think being mindful of the choices that I make every day will help when I am faced with something that really does require me to "choose".

While I am not going to make "resolutions" because that's the whole point of picking one word, there are a couple of things I want to be mindful of during this year.

• I realized that I get jealous about things/people more than I would like to admit, and more than I knew. So, in these circumstances, I will need to remind myself to choose thoughts/feelings besides jealousy.
• Reading this post by Alece and this one from Annie showed me that I'm no where near alone in my struggles with friendships, community, and living as a single person. However, there are some things that can be done if I want to change what community looks like in my life. I want to choose to make time to cultivate that this year...with the friends I have, the friends I have lost touch with, and new friends to come.
• Last year, I started a lot of books, but think I may have only finished one. I'd like to finish more than one book this year.
• I found myself struggling at work the last few weeks/months of last year at work. I don't like who I became at work during those times, so will use my word to remind me to choose differently (tomorrow is my first day of work this year, so I'm hoping I had enough of a break to go in with renewed energy and a changed attitude!)
• I don't want to make too long of a list, so I think I will leave this one as "everything else"--choices/conscious efforts to choose in aspects of my life from faith-building, family, parenting, and continued growth and learning from those people placed in my path.

I am choosing to believe that 2012 is going to be a great year!

One Word 365

Last year, I "kind of, sort of" joined Alece and over 300 people in creating "One Word 2011". This year, she created an entire web site and called it "One Word 365". I tend to like my "quiet little corner" in this blogging world, but do like the community that blogging has created for me, so I'm actually planning to "link up" this year. I also think that will make me more accountable to my word (rather than last year when I chose "trust", but never committed to writing an actual post saying I chose trust...you know, just in case it didn't work out...ha!)

I thought about what I wanted my "One Word" for 2012 to be for a long time. Trust turned out to be the perfect word for 2011...even more than I knew when I picked it a year ago. So, I wanted my word for this year to be equally as perfect (or almost at least!). The last week in November/beginning of December, I met with both my therapist and my spiritual director (lots of talking that week...ha!). During both meetings, I talked about how I had picked "trust" for this year and how perfect it was. I also mentioned to both of them that I was working on my "word" for next year and by the end of the week, I was "fairly sure" that I had chosen one. Then, I read this post that Sara's sister wrote the following week and I knew for certain I had made the right choice.

I wanted a word that would be versatile, so I could use it in many different situations. I have days I work, days I stay at home, days I see lots of different people, days I only talk to the people who live in my computer. I also wanted it to be word that I could remember so come June or so when someone asks how my "One Word 365" is going, I'll definitely know what it is/was.

Since I had to take everything off my fridge when it broke last week, my new fridge is a fresh slate. I decided that was the perfect place to put a reminder (just in case I need one). So, without further adieu, my One Word 365 is:

CHOOSE

Every day, we make choices. We don't always get to choose our circumstances or how other people's behavior, but we do have a choice on how we react to them. I can choose to be jealous or choose to be grateful. I can choose disappointment or choose to try again. I can choose to see failures or opportunities.  The list goes on and on. When I think about what I "know" for 2012, I know one big choice will be if/when I will open my home to more foster children. I believe that some of my choices will not be "popular", and not all of my choices will be fully supported by people I love. However, by choosing the word "choose" for this year, I will be forced to make conscious decisions on a regular basis to "choose", even on little things, so when the "big things" come, I'll be ready (hopefully!)

And, even though 2011 is in the past, I will be able to continue using that word whenever I choose to trust...and surely there will be plenty of that this year too.

Feel free to join Alece and friends over at One Word 365 :)