VERY Tempting

Even though it was a relatively "slow" and "easy" day for me at work, it WAS my third day in a row of working 12-hour shifts, and VERY tempting to take a night off my 30 days to 30 workout! I went out with a couple girls after work for dinner and a beer. Of course I had a "Woodchuck" since it was available, and chose "fish and chips" of all things. So, as much as that meant I NEEDED a work out, the idea of jumping jacks, lunges, and crunches sounded even less appealing after a 12-hour shift AND a dinner of greasy food and beer! However, this whole thing is as much about sticking to something as it is about anything else. So, I sucked it up and did a work out. Yes, it was a half a** job, but I DID break a sweat and I DID finish the work out! I probably should invest in some weights (may even be able to find THOSE at the Goodwill!) since that is a part of the workout and I'm sure it is even harder if you are working your arms too! Anyway, I was tempted to skip and I didn't...I feel good about that.

Things seem a little "off" for me at work, so I am thinking it may be nice to take a step away (out of the country even!) for a little while. I like to think that I made an effort to keep my negative comments about people I work with to myself, or keep them to a minimum. Maybe I wasn't really that good at it, but I have found myself participating, even initiating some "talking about people" conversations at work. This is such a "girl" thing to do, but that doesn't make it "right". Since I have gotten better at communicating, I really should just tell people when working with them drives me crazy...but, my communication isn't THAT good and I'm not quick at coming up with something more appropriate than "you are SO freaking lazy it annoys the crap out of me" so I end up commiserating with "everyone else" who agrees that this person is "so freaking lazy that it is really NOT fun to work with them". I do try and get along with everyone and, more often than not, give people the benefit of the doubt MULTIPLE times before believing it is a "lost cause". Maybe I'm having a hard time because someone I LOVED working with has disappointed me the past few times I have worked with her. I have defended her against those who said s*it about her for quite some time, never even considering that there was much truth in what they said. Now, I am wondering if "they" were "right"...too bad I let it "slip" out that she "USED" to be my "favorite"...oh my!...of course, I have LOTS of favorites (I tell lots of people they are my "favorite"...it's one of my "things") but in this case she was "the one" and, I suppose there is truth that she has been knocked out of first place in my book, at least for the time being. However, I DO think that I am in a position to be able to tell her how I feel, and maybe she would even listen...at least it would give her something to think about.

Well, that's a lot of rambling...in any case, I went out with three co-workers after work who aren't people I've ever hung out with previously. So, that made it even more fun. We had a good time, even though we were all tired and just stayed out long enough for dinner and a drink.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday and we are having lunch, pedicures, and dinner. I also have a meeting with my counselor in the morning (my final "free" session, so it will be interesting to see what she has to say). I need to go to the bank, call my credit card company, and start packing in case I end up having to work on Tuesday.

Good night.

Two Down, Three Down

Another pretty busy day at work which made it even HARDER to get myself wanting to do my "third day to thirty". It looks like I could get to sleep nearly an hour earlier tonight than I did last night which should help!

Not too much exciting to write about (either that or I'm REALLY tired and my muscles are starting to realize I have been having them do things they are not used to). I ran my mouth a lot today and need to start watching that. I used to be careful about the kinds of things I say and to who because I don't like getting my feelings hurt, and figure no one else does either. However, I felt the need to vent about the lack of teamwork I felt a week ago...but got a little carried away and said some things I probably shouldn't have, at least not to that many people...

"J" returned my phone call, leaving a voice mail that included that we "definitely" should hang out again. I know I need to tell him about my thoughts on "hanging out" versus "dating", but figured that could wait...maybe even until the NEXT time we make plans to "hang out" ;o) (although, likely easier to say over the phone than in person!)

Well, day three of work, day four of my "shred" tomorrow, so I'd better get some sleep. Wow, I am REALLY tired!
Good night!

One Down, Two Down

I am finished with my first of three days in a row at work (my "Monday" and it sure did feel like one...pretty crazy busy!). I am also done with my second day in my "30 days to 30" campaign (or whatever you want to call it).


I was pretty sad when I first got to work this morning to see two names "on the board". I don't think there is a good way to communicate to everyone when one of our patients has died, but suppose "the name on the board" is as "good" as any. I'd rather know, than not know (especially since I made myself in charge of getting cards sent from my floor to the families of the patients). One of the deaths was a child who was in their home state...so, doing well, but apparently got sick and passed away there. The other one really shocked me, and I'm actually surprised that I did not cry right then and there. Last Wednesday, I wrote about sending that patient to the ICU when he "decided not to breathe very well." Apparently, he was even sicker than I thought. The really sad part about that kid was that he never spent a day of his life out of the hospital and the plan was that he would get to do just that on Thursday. Sixteen months in the hospital...some would say "what a life", but others would say "what a LIFE"...


Perspective, and attitude, can change everything. I seem to have been on a mission to change the attitude of one of my patient's mom's. She has been on my mind A LOT (maybe more than she should!) and I have done everything from pats on the back and being a "cheerleader" to calling in support to asking her to make lists to put things into a different perspective to telling her straight up she needs to change her attitude in order for things to be better. And, while she isn't COMPLETELY changed (because, honestly, I'm not sure you can completely change a person!), I DEFINITELY think I have made progress and my efforts have NOT been for nothing. At least now she has my "little angel voice" sitting on her shoulder or inside her head giving her food for thought when her thoughts turn negative. LOVE that! A positive attitude, and a smile, even when things are not looking so hot have an amazing power to change the outlook. :o)


My legs are burning from my workout. I'm guessing my abs will be sore tomorrow since I actually tried to do the crunches better today. My arms aren't too bad since I haven't been using weights. I love having this "goal". I am not as much motivated by losing weight or getting "fit" (although those would be VERY nice!) as by being determined to be successful at completing such a task. I think it is a good addition to the "therapy" I am receiving from blogging and from the counselor (and my friends who are also counseling and praying for me). I'm not so sure about this working out after work though since it did seem to give me a little energy boost. However, I'm not so sure I can get myself out of bed when my alarm goes off at 5:3o to get it done before work.


One work day down, two to go. Two workout days down, (at least) twenty-eight more to go.

Good night.

30 Days to 30

It is a little more than 30 days until I turn 30 (my countdown says one month and five days). However, I purchased the 30 Day Shred DVD after Kristy told me about it and did my first workout today. I will be out of town six of the days between now and my thirtieth birthday, so I wanted to give myself a little bit "room" to miss those days (however, in order to actually complete 30 workouts in the days before my 30th birthday, I will not be able to miss any...even then, I may end up being a day short, but I am too tired to figure that out!) I didn't use hand weights today (I don't have any actually), but I still worked up a sweat. Not sure if I will be one of the ones who lose 20 pounds in 30 days since I'm thinking that would require some kind of diet modification, but I'm definitely hoping to be healthier and more fit.

I am proud of my sister--today she and my mom took my nephew on a (very short) walk outside (as far as I know this is the first time she has ever done that). She also met me at Babies R Us with him, and we went to Once Upon a Child. She "couldn't" go to Target since I couldn't go with her, but at least we hit two stores. He was a little fussy, but I imagine that is something that comes when you do things that are unfamiliar to you like riding around a store in your car seat. However, I must say that I am proud of her, and remember that "baby steps" are okay for her, if "baby steps" are okay for me and my "non-dating" (I really should post the email I sent to a couple friends about my "non-date" because apparently it was pretty funny...I will have to see if I can edit it and post at some point.)

Speaking of...I did call "J" and left a voice mail saying that I had fun on Tuesday and look forward to hanging out with him again when I get back from Montreal. I didn't think that mentioning my "issues" with dating in a voice mail. I also have been emailing "A", the floor guy...that makes me laugh.

I put some fun packages in the mail today. That made for a fun afternoon getting them all ready. I can't stop laughing about one of them because it is a birthday present to a "grown up" and I used the rest of the wrapping paper from wrapping the gift for the three-year-old yesterday (it maybe is even more appropriate for a baby gift than a 3-year-old!). It is totally cracking me up, plus I found a really funny card. Too bad I will be out-of-town when it reaches its destination, but I will probably still be laughing about it.

It was nice to have a semi-vegging out day. At 8:00 when I was finishing dinner, it felt SO late. I totally could have gone to bed at 9, but now it is 10 and I am seriously shutting off the light and going to bed as soon as I am done typing. My house is still a bit of a disaster, but that really isn't anything new, so I'm not sure why I always make a point to say that! I have yet to use the kitchen for cooking and somehow my table has more piles of papers on it than it did BEFORE I started painting. I found out that using my cell phone in Canada would cost 59 cents a minute. I'm not sure how much text messages would cost, but I'm sure they are not included in the "unlimited" package. It is going to be SO weird not having my phone with me all the time (I think I need to buy phone cards!), but I think that I do not want to find out what kind of bill I would get if I used it as I use it now. I will have my new netbook so will have to be a blogger, facebooker, and emailer more than a texter and talker.

I can't wait for my trip out of the country, but I have to work, and work A LOT before I go! I work the next three days, then have a TON of plans on Monday which is my sister's birthday, and then work on Tuesday before leaving Wednesday. This daily blogging seems to be helping as part of my "therapy", but I suppose if I need to choose between "blogging" or doing my "30 day shred DVD", I'm thinking I should choose the workout ;o)

Good night!

Not Home

I feel like I am never home. Now, during those times that I am "bored out of my mind" (because organizing and cleaning are not ever really on my "radar") sitting at home doing nothing, I "long" for these kinds of days where I go go go until I fall asleep. I actually HAVE been home for the past two hours, but that is pretty much the longest stretch of time I have been at home all day. I understand that this is a CHOICE. When it comes down to it, that choice was MINE and mine alone. No one MADE me stay up until 3:30 in the morning. No one said I should meet my mom at the store, then proceed to continue shopping for hours (hmm, I must have been home earlier in the day and forgot because there is time between the shopping and my next "going"), then go see my best high school friend and her family (her son turned 3 yesterday and her birthday is tomorrow) and stay there until 10 and then come home and watch TV, check emails and blogs, and then blog myself and it is now after midnight.

I believe it is choices like these that are partly to "blame" for that day exactly two weeks ago when I was sitting here with tears streaming down my face writing this post. Two weeks ago today, and, while I am feeling "better", I am thankful that I caught myself before I set myself up for a similar scenario--go go go on my days off with little sleep, then work three days in a row (with little sleep in between), go go go for a day, then back to work, and then off to Canada for five days. I can "wrap this up" quickly, get some good rest, and spend some time at home tomorrow (or relaxing at a coffee shop doing a work report that is due on Friday that I haven't started) and try and stop a similar cycle before it begins.

I did review that post this afternoon and was surprised at how coherent it is considering my state of mind. The words I wrote about "the secret" broke the heart of a dear friend (but hopefully I was able to clarify the feelings behind them today). There are still a number of questions that still remain unanswered. On the mend, for sure, but only if I choose to make the decision to "take care of myself" the way I need to.

I skipped "family dinner". I needed to do that.

I am working on the "personal connections" I wrote about in this post. I had a "phone date" with a friend (and plans for another one with a different friend...hopefully before I leave the country and my cell phone service!). I went and visited my high school friend "in person" (and also talked to her "on the phone") today. Yesterday, I had lunch with a friend and also visited with a former teacher. (Of course I went on my "non-date" but I don't think I can really count that!) Just having a plan, and making progress has helped (even though I feel a bit "needy" for asking for "phone time", I honestly think I NEED that!)
___________
On the "non-dating" front...I still need to call "J" and be honest about my "dating issues" but let him know I'd like to "hang out" again. I got an email response from "A" (the floor installer) who actually wants to do "drinks and pool" some time. Hmm, could they BE any different?! I suppose that's what dating (or, non-dating in my case) is all about!

Good night.

All Over the Place

I really need to stop this early AM blogging habit...it really does throw off my sleep schedule! But, too much happened today to NOT "blog" about it.


This morning, I went and worked out at Curves. Two days in a row...yay! I again visited with the owner for quite a while which was nice.

After my workout, I showered and got ready for lunch with a friend. We ate a place that had yummy quiche and tomato bisque soup (so much for that work out!) We had a really good visit. I talked to her about my "breakdown" and my two visits with the counselor. I showed her the book (The New Codependency) and "mentioned" that I had told the counselor I was a-ok with the boundaries issue. Her response to that was that I DO have "boundary issues"...how's THAT for a friend who can call it as she sees it?! ha ha! She gave me some "food for thought" on making other people's "problems" my own...not the "change" me because helping people is a big part of me, but realizing that taking care of myself is very important too. She also shared with me some HUGE things that happened in her life the past six months that I didn't know about. It really was great to catch up with her...we need to do that more often because I ALWAYS feel better (although she almost ALWAYS gives me something to think about too!) I also talked to her about my thoughts on how technology has changed relationships...many things for the better, but some things not for the good...and I am working on doing some things that may help some of those things.

From lunch, I went to the dentist. When I was in high school, I got some "bonding" put on my two front teeth since they were discolored. It was starting to come off, so I went to get it replaced. However, he was able just to "buff" it out which was very nice (and "free"...at least I think so!)


After the dentist, I stopped by home briefly before heading back up to my elementary school. Ginger's daughter is in "1-B" at her school, so I went to meet with the 1-B teacher at MY elementary school for some pictures. (I took some pictures of 1-A when I was there on Sunday and was a tiny bit annoyed with myself for "screwing up", so had to go "fix" it!) While she was not MY first grade teacher, she did teach me in third AND sixth grades and was one of my favorites. Twelve years ago, she delivered premature twins who did not survive more than a day. I can remember that day like it was yesterday--maybe because we had a retired priest who wouldn't let me inside the church because I was a "kid" (or at least appeared like one!) and apparently there had been some vandalism or something--in any case, I suppose it makes for a more memorable story that I stood outside the church crying and praying. Of course, I know things now that I didn't know then, but I have not forgotten those babies, and now, even more than before, I remember to let her know that I remember. (She has a beautiful fourth grader who she says is here now because they came first.) She had I ended up talking for a LONG time about all sorts of different things. Oh how blessed I am to have SO many wonderful people who love me and support me (and listen to me, and tell me I "crack them up"...ha!)

It was 5:00 by the time I left the school and I was set for my "non-date" at 6:00. Just in case this ends up becoming a "dating blog" (ha ha, that is FUNNY!), I should keep my "non-dates" straight. This is "J", the one who was "thrown" at me at a party and then I went on a "double date" with. This would be our first "one-on-one"...yes, I am calling these "non-dates" so as not to freak me out and send me into a tizzy. He wanted to cook dinner before we went go-karting. I started to get a little nervous about dinner before I went because he is vegetarian and I do NOT like mushrooms (I am willing to pick them out, but that is easier if they are "big"!) He was still cooking when I got there, and I helped some (and stopped him from adding mushrooms). He made stuffed peppers, au gratin potatoes, and then peas/carrots (the only non-homemade part). It was SO good! We went go-karting and I was SO scared when we got there. I'm not a fast driving kinda gal and had never done that before. But, we were there, he paid for it, so I HAD to do it. I was BY FAR the slowest driver, but I didn't get hurt, didn't hurt anyone else, and it was actually pretty fun (although I am SURE I will be sore tomorrow!) We went back to his house and watched TV and "visited" about family, school, work, the tv shows, etc. I'm fairly certain out of the corner of my eye I saw his hand start to move toward "my" side of the couch, but I definitely stayed on my side with my arms across my chest... (I know, I know!) I couldn't keep myself from yawning (probably because I have been staying up so late!), but ended up staying quite a while after the first time I said I needed to leave (which was like 9:30...ha!) At around 11:00, I said good-night and walked fairly quickly toward my car (I know, I know!) after saying I had a fun time and we should hang out again (probably after I get back from my trip to Canada)


No hand holding. No kiss. Baby steps, I NEED baby steps...otherwise I do not think things will go as well as I would like. As a wise friend reminded me, though, I need to be honest and communicate because otherwise he, and future guys, could get the idea that I don't like them, which isn't the case (there are not many people that I don't "like"!) I need to do the "hanging out" thing (or "non-dating") so as not to feel the pressure and get overwhelmed unnecessarily.

I did get an email response from the "floor guy" and the friend I had lunch with had at least one other "potential"...

I am watching my DVR of The Biggest Loser...I love that show...even though it usually makes me cry. It is now 3 AM and I REALLY should head to bed soon!

What a busy day...so much for "days off"...ha!

Back in the Funk

It isn't QUITE as bad as it was, but I am feeling a bit like I am back in the funk. Thank goodness my little countdown says it is one week and one day until I leave the country! I am really feeling like I need to get away from here for a while. I couldn't wait to get home after "family dinner" and even thought that maybe I should start skipping that every once in a while. For whatever reason, I was feeling highly irritated with my family today and they didn't even do anything in particular that I can recall. Maybe it was leftover irritation from yesterday and just everything that bothers me about the whole sister, brother-in-law, nephew stuff. I was remembering that it was my sister who had the title of "social butterfly" and I was the more "reserved" one. I guess I just have to hope that she finds some way to get out and do things and be social because I think that will not get any easier once she starts baby-sitting her nephew. Anyway, I know that I am more worried (and irritated) about these things than I should be, so it will be nice to get away (although I'm sure I'll miss my family, especially my nephew!)

I had a pretty busy day off and have another jam-packed one planned for tomorrow. I went to Curves for the first time since August 26...crazy! They were talking about floors when I got there and the owner showed the other women the slide show I made of my kitchen and it got more compliments :o) After my work out, I talked to the owner for nearly 30 minutes about all sorts of stuff. She posed one interesting question about the being a happy single deal and wondered if I am happy being single because the alternative "scares" me...I still need to think a little more about that question, but my first instinct is to say that while the alternative does "scare" me a bit (okay, maybe a lot), I definitely enjoy my independence and all the things I have been able to do, and can continue to do, because things are this way.

Mowing my lawn ended up being quite the ordeal. I paid some kids to do it two weeks ago, then found my mower to be broken the next time I had time to mow. It was finished on Thursday, but that's when I was doing all the painting, plus it rained, and then I worked a super long shift, and then it was the festival. So, today was the day. I "drug my feet" for a while and finally peeled myself off the couch to go mow...only to find out that it was nearly out of gas. Side trip to the gas station and THEN I was able to mow. It took me quite a while this time since it was so long (and it had been a long time since I myself mowed!) but it isn't as bad of a "chore" as it seems when I am in the midst of motivating myself to do it.

My dad helped me move my table and chairs back into the kitchen. He also put my doorbell and outlet covers back :o) It was his first time to see the kitchen and he thinks it looks great! I brought some more things back in there, changed the placement of some appliances, and allowed more clutter to return than I had originally intended...oops!

I did clear some of the clutter from my living room after "family dinner" and also did a little bit of vacuuming.

I sent an email to the floor guy. The other guy is cooking dinner tomorrow at his house and then we are going "go-carting". I'm not exactly sure about that kind of "non-date" but am SURE it will be fine (and fun). I shouldn't "freak out" about it yet, but I've never been successful at dating ONE guy at a time, so what in the world about I going to do if I try to "date" (or "non-date") two guys at once?

I'm having lunch with one of my "best friends" (the one I got to talk to at my dad's party) and am really looking forward to that. I also am going to the dentist so he can do something about my discolored front teeth (I had "bonding" put on a really long time ago and it has worn off). I had written in my calendar that the appointment was today, but their records show tomorrow. So, I have to miss the wedding shower at work, but do still get to have lunch with a friend.

I still have yet to start the book for the "Bloom" book club...another something to look forward to when I am out-of-town and don't have anything else to do besides attend sessions. The rest of the time will be "mine" without worrying about lawn or clutter or my now semi-anti-social sister.

Busy days ahead, so I should head to bed.
Good night.

Irish Festival

It's after 2:00, so this will need to be a quick post :o) Every September, my parish has a festival and it is ALWAYS tons of fun. My dad used to always sit up in "the big chair" and announce throughout the day. This year, for some reason, the organizers decided to give it an Irish twist (kinda weird...maybe because our main priest is Italian...but I guess it worked). Since my dad is "crazy", he decided to have my sister color his hair red (he didn't win the "red hair contest" though) and rent a leprechaun costume. Everyone loved it and he said he lost track of how many pictures were taken of him...he doesn't like being the center of attention AT ALL, does he?!

It is possible that I used up all my patience at work yesterday because my sister and brother-in-law didn't get any of it today. In my head they were driving me crazy. My nephew hasn't been outside more than a couple of times which I think is ridiculous. So, while they did make an "attempt" to bring him to the festival, they only lasted for about an hour because it was "too hot" (mind you there were babies EVERYWHERE and lots of shade and seating inside...) Why not just say that you don't want to visit with people rather than use your kid as an excuse?! As one of the girls I went to grade school with said..."A baby comes into YOUR life"...meaning they go where you want to go. It maybe was in the 80s, but definitely not 90 or 100 which would have been understandably too hot to be OUTSIDE with a baby, but still...

I had planned to spend somewhere between $50 and $75 as my donation for the day. Since I didn't have any kids with me this year (for most of the past six years, I have "borrowed" kids), I didn't play any of the games. There were only a few other games for "adults" and I spent most of my money playing pickles (and on Bacardi Razz...and nachos and Italian sausage!) I won 50 cents here dollars there which I put back into more pickles. My mom won $25 on one. But, the first pickle I bought from this woman won me $100! I was SO excited! She and on of her daughters were walking home as we were walking up to the festival and I yelled to her that needed to buy pickles from her later. SO funny that she sold me the big winner ($100 is the biggest prize on these pickles) :o) Her kids are actually the first kids I ever baby-sat. I was telling a story about her yesterday which I shared with her today. I was twelve and at that time she had four kids, including a three-month-old. On this particular day I was either just watching the oldest who was about seven or him and the baby. He and I had macaroni and cheese for lunch. Apparently I must not have done the dishes because she told me that if I was going to eat with the kids I really should wash the dishes. That stuck with me and I ALWAYS tried to leave the homes of the families I baby-sat for as clean or cleaner than it was when I got there (where oh where did that cleaning girl go?!). She laughed because she didn't remember that, but it definitely made an impression on me.

My sister and nephew came back to my parents' house for dinner. (Is it wrong that I think it is WEIRD that my mom does my sister's laundry but NOT weird that I let them cook me dinner?!) My nephew gets really fussy before he goes to sleep, but I'm good at calming him down (and getting him to sleep rather quickly :o) ). He crashed on my lap (he was even drooling!), so we had to snap a picture...I have been trying a new photo editing program and am not sure what I did to this picture, but I'm not going to print it that way anyway, so I guess it works.

I had a great time visiting with people I hadn't seen or talked to for a while. It is always nice to "catch up"...I have been going to the same church since before I started kindergarten, so I know a LOT of people! I even talked to my first grade teacher for a bit (she also taught me in third and sixth grade...she's awesome!) Her classroom is now "1-B", so Ginger I'm definitely going to make a point to get to her classroom soon and snap a picture for Maggie, who is in "1-B" at HER school :o)

Well, that's lots more than I was planning to type, but it only took 30 minutes, so that's not too bad (2, 2:30, what's the difference anyway?!) Must be those three Bacardi Razz's and one Goose Island Summertime (oh and the handfuls of sugary Bottle Caps) that gave me a second wind!Good night now though!

Super Sleepy So Slide Show..

it is...

Work was pretty tiring today, and I felt the least amount of team work I have felt in a LONG time. I tried not to complain when I was giving report at 8:00 since that typically isn't the way things go, but it was hard not to. I volunteered to take an extra patient and not ONE person offered to help me (okay, take that back, the tech really did what she could to help). I swear everyone was out of there by 7:30 and I still had a couple 7:00 medications to give and hadn't even looked at the orders for my new patient (good thing it was relatively "simple" so it wasn't like I wasn't providing the care she needed...I just didn't have the orders in front of me to know if I was missing anything). Sure, I was giving an extra little "pep talk" to a mom who is feeling overwhelmed (and "cynical" may be an appropriate term, but it is nearly midnight and my whole point of posting a slide show was that I was feeling too tired to type coherently!)

I am VERY happy with the way my kitchen turned out! As the "before" pictures show, I'm not a good organizer (and those photos were taken AFTER I cleaned up a bit). Right now, my kitchen remains empty and nearly non-functional. I did a little bit of counter/stove scrubbing this evening, but that's about it (I didn't even eat dinner because I didn't know what to have...no worries about me starving because yesterday I had BK for lunch and fried chicken for dinner.) I am really going to have to think about if I want to put things back the way they were (ideally, sans the extra clutter!)

Well, tomorrow is my church festival and I can't WAIT to see my dad in his leprechaun costume...that is just going to be hilarious and he is going to be the life of the party (just the way he likes it!)

Second Meeting

The floor installers got here around 8:30 this morning so they were already working when I had to leave for my second meeting with the counselor. Yesterday morning when they arrived, I was wearing the same painting pants and painting shirt I had worn EVERY time I had painted (I'm sure I smelled lovely because HOW many days did I paint?! Five? Six?) I bought the sweatpants when I lived in Rhode Island...looking pretty "hot" in my glasses, sweats, t-shirt, and pony tail for sure (remember this little detail...ha!) Today I still wore my glasses, but actually had put on jeans and a black shirt so I was appeared a bit more "put together" (probably good to at least appear like that even when you are going to a Counseling Center).

My meeting was at 10:00, but I left at 9:30 so I could grab a coffee on the way (yeah, definitely need to work on my budget considering I have a couple vacations coming up!) Even though I have been SO busy this past week, I was able to do some thinking and we had a good conversation. In our first meeting, she saw a very sad person who appeared to have some pretty low self-esteem. As I reflected on that, and talked to my friend at my dad's party on Sunday, I let her know that I don't think that is the case. Sure, I was feeling pretty shitty last week and I do think that at TIMES I am lacking in that department, overall I do understand that I'm a pretty awesome person (kidding...well, sort of!) I KNOW that I am good to my family. I KNOW that I am a good friend. I KNOW that I am REALLY good at my job. I KNOW that I am really good at being able to live independently and take care of myself and my needs.

I talked to her about my thoughts on the book...how I thought that I had a good concept of boundaries with being able to give others space and opportunity to do for themselves when they want/need that and that I DO do the things that are important to me and do not feel myself letting taking care of others get in the way of my happiness. In fact, being able to help/take care of others brings much joy to my life.

So, in response to one of her questions (she asked me my "greatest fear"...I will leave it at that since this is only a semi-private blog...) our conversation turned to my "singleness". (I bought a book called "How to be Single" that I think I will bring with me to Montreal because it seems like it could be helpful!) We talked about how I am actually happy right now, but it is hard when that doesn't seem like it could possibly be the truth to people I know and meet. Really, truly, this is where I am, this is where I am supposed to be, and I believe I am doing what God wants me to do...and, being single has it's share of perks...one big one for me is that I'm really happy being "Just Me"...for now anyway. We discussed some ways to deal with the questions, and also some suggestions on dealing with the big bad "D" word that I am not to use because it freaks me out (ha ha...that would be "dating"!) She also suggested I try talking to the guy whose heart I ended up breaking without even knowing what I was doing because that seems like it could be one of my "barriers" to moving on/trying again...not sure if I will, but it definitely seems like a good idea.

More than once she said to me "You crack me up." Now, I've had those words typed to me a number of times (Ginger?!), but am not sure anyone has ever spoken them to me. She mentioned something about having a good personality which was nice to hear :o) My dad colored his hair red and is dressing like a leprechaun for our church festival on Sunday and you know what they say about the apple and the tree...

Even though the guys were here installing my floor (did I mention that it was a guy probably in his early 40s and a guy maybe in his mid 20s?), I decided to maybe stop by the garage sale where my mom was, but called her first. Originally, I had suggested my sister have a garage sale at HER house today, but I'm glad that fell through! She was just leaving, but told me that she was JUST talking to her friend's daughter about me. My mom has been friends with this woman since before I was born. Her oldest is a couple days older than me, and her second daughter is just a couple months younger than my sister. We hung out with them a lot when we were little, but not much since elementary school. Apparently, she was "sort of" having issues with the fact that her younger sister is married (familiar?!) and she is single...she was thinking about how the "one" person who would understand all that comes with that was ME. I said...nice timing!, I was just talking to the counselor about this very thing and it IS okay to be happy and single. She said sure, but she would still like to find someone to be with forever... We talked for a little while, but I felt I needed to get home to the workers in case they needed to leave. Maybe we will end up getting together some time.

The guys were still working, so I went to the bank and grabbed BK for lunch (yeah, that whole "budget thing"...hmm.) They didn't have much done by then and left by about 1:30. The kitchen looks REALLY nice! I want to make a little slide show of before and after pictures, but that isn't getting done tonight.

I took a 2-hour nap with plans to mow my lawn when I got up since it finally got fixed. However, I was hungry and still tired when I woke up, so decided to eat first. My mom stopped by to see the kitchen on her way home and said I could come over for dinner with them and the neighbors. I could mow AFTER dinner, right?! (except it rained during dinner...maybe tomorrow!) As I was driving to my parent's house, I noticed that there was a piece of cardboard on my windshield.

My parents only live about a mile from me, but the whole way over there, I was wondering if it could possibly be a note from the floor guy. No way, not possible, but what ELSE would it be?! I couldn't get to my mom and dad's fast enough to check it out (it was on the passenger side or you KNOW I would have pulled over or spent a little longer at a stop sign to reach it!) Sure enough, the note in pencil on the piece of cardboard reads "Hey, this is (name) your floor installer. If you're interested in conversation email me (email address). If not it was nice to meet you." No freaking way! Seriously...although, I suppose painting sweatpants and t-shirt could be "hot" to a floor installer...ha ha...THAT is funny...."hot" I am not, but I will email him (if I can figure out if his address has an 84 or an 86...guessing that would say how old he is too...)

I am going back to see the counselor on the 21st. I think I have more "homework" to do before then...and maybe even gone on a couple "non-dates"...

My kitchen is painted and has new floors, but I need to do some cleaning and THEN put it back together...hopefully getting rid of non-essential things and making things more organized in the process. I am still planning to read the book for the "bloom" book club whose button I posted on the side of my blog, but haven't started it yet. I read that about 1000 people will be reading along...I wonder how many people will actively participate. I'm not sure I will feel comfortable with that many people. People who know me wouldn't call me "shy", but I tend to be more reserved especially when it comes to sharing my opinions. I'm still excited about it though, and maybe will be more of an active participant than I think.

Well, even with the nap, it was a long and thinking-filled day (dinner included fried chicken and a couple glasses of wine with four of the people who will be joining me in Vegas...that is going to be a "trip"!) so I should go to bed. Back to work tomorrow.

Another Session

Tomorrow morning I meet for my second session with the counselor from the employee assistance program. In the week since I saw her last, I have talked to friends, I have talked to my manager and a couple co-workers. I have done some reflecting (and "blogging"). I have done LOTS of painting, and quite a bit of working...

Today, I finally decided to look through the book she suggested to me. It is called "The New Codependency". When I flipped through the first couple pages before I made the purchase (I couldn't find it at the half price book store I went to...darn! It is a hard cover and I didn't think I should wait to have it mailed to me from amazon or some place with cheap books.) I thought "oh crap, I really don't want to read these things about me!" Now, I'm not sure if I am just at a different place emotionally, but when I picked it up today and started to read, I was pretty good at convincing myself that the it didn't apply to me as much as I originally thought (denial maybe?!) Now, one of the things discussed is "self-care" and it IS quite possible that last week I got away from that because the days leading up to my "meltdown" were not exactly "take care of Amanda" days. However, I feel like I usually take better care of myself than that...although, it seems that I either have a million things to do or nothing.

Other sections talk about boundaries and caretaking (I just realize that I didn't make it to the chapter on denial...ha, that is funny!) While I probably should re-read those sections, when I did this afternoon, I thought I was doing "okay" in those areas.

I took an "emotional health quiz" (probably a little more scientific than the facebook quizzes I enjoy taking!). The result I received suggested I pay attention to my feelings and would benefit from doing "emotional affirmations". My result was pretty close to a different "level" that says that I am "emotionally alive" (whatever that means...I think I need to read the section on emotions...) The result I received from the other quiz I took told me NOT to take the "Drama and Misery" test...the rebel in me kind of wants to anyway, but I'm trying to work on getting myself going in the right direction, so maybe I should wait to do that.

I am looking forward to meeting with her again. I think this will be an even better meeting than the first one because one hour really is a short amount of time to get to know someone. I know I was all over the place and talked about TONS of different things in that hour! She could only gather information from what was said and only had minimal background information (I'm definitely thinking I was pretty good at laying a lot of it out quickly, but still...us getting to know each other better can only help!)
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I no longer have carpet in my kitchen!! That is VERY exciting! I also believe that I am done painting my kitchen (my mom offered to do the intricate touch-ups...well, actually I kind of begged her to since I am very sick of painting right now and do not have the patience to do that kind of stuff!) They did the prep work, but will come back tomorrow and lay the floors.

Since they are coming tomorrow, I had my sister color my hair today (she was going to do it tomorrow after my appointment). It definitely needed to be touched up since she colored it the first week in June. She kind of forgot she was coloring my hair and didn't realize she was nearly out of the color she used last time, but she had enough different kinds of color to make it work. If I ever get dressed in real clothes with make-up, I will post a picture of me (maybe on Sunday at my parish festival...my dad got his hair colored too and will be dressing as a leprechaun...that will be interesting for sure!)

Well, it is late and I got a shorter nap than I wanted, so I should go to sleep.
Good night.

Aches and Almost There

I finished the antibiotics for my "achy" teeth today, but they are still sore, so I'm not sure if that worked.

My left arm is achy from where I got my flu shot.

My neck, back, and shoulders are achy from painting.

My thighs, knees, calves, shins, ankles, and feet are achy from painting, standing all through my dad's party, and multiple days of running all over the place at work the past few days (Saturday, yesterday, and today)

Hard to believe it wasn't long ago that I sat on my couch and did NOTHING often more than once a week. Oh how much I want one of those days SOON! I could even go for a PARTIAL day like that!

My floors are getting installed tomorrow. I will need to paint after they move the fridge away from the wall, but I REALLY hope the third coat I put on tonight was enough because I'm not sure where the energy for a fourth would come from! I am excited about the floors and KNOW the room will look great when it is done, but it sure was a lot of work and I'm thinking my plan to paint the living room will have to wait a little while!

I am meeting with the counselor on Friday and I haven't begun to read the book she told me to read. She also suggested I take a few moments each day to "clear my mind" and I'm not sure I did very well at that homework either. I'm also planning to read the book for the "Bloom" book club (I just posted the button on my blog this evening). I am not sure how active of a participant I will be, but I'd definitely like to be able to read what others are saying. I haven't checked to see what book my work book club is reading for this month (still only half way through the book that was discussed this month) and it would be fun to join in that conversation.

Well, this is earlier than I went to bed the past two nights when I had to get up at 6:00 the next morning, so maybe some of the aches will be gone by the time I have to get up. I'm definitely thinking I'll have to make a coffee run and hope the floor installers will give me enough heads up so I can do that before they arrive (since I'm going to have to paint quickly while they work...hopefully they will be okay with that!)

My friend texted me at 5:45 this morning to say her son would be in surgery for another couple of hours. I heard he had some problems with bleeding, but last I heard he was "stable". I had to send one of my patients to the intensive care unit this afternoon when he decided to not breathe very well for me. I tried to manage things myself for a little while since my phone wouldn't work to call anyone and I didn't want to press the "code blue" button (the other nurses said I should have yelled for help, but I'm not really a "yeller" and am not sure I realized how serious the situation was). Everything happened the way it was supposed to after the help arrived so that is good. Made for a crazy afternoon, that's for sure.

Time to sleep...I am also super behind on reading blogs too, but keep reminding myself that a reprieve from all this working is "almost here"!

Good night.

Break for Prayer

Well, I should ALWAYS take "breaks" for praying, this means I am going to take a break from my writing for "therapy" for a prayer. I am too tired to find a picture, but there is one on here somewhere... I have written a couple times about my friend who painted my guest room the summer her son was here after transplant. That room is still my favorite room of the house (and, as I am in the midst of a seemingly neverending painting project that I cannot wait to be done with I cannot understand her "love" for painting!). Her son needs a second transplant and has been waiting at my hospital at the top of the list for about a week. He received "the call" today and I was told he would be going into surgery right around the time I post this. The surgery will be a long one, so there are plenty opportunities for prayers all through the night...for those in the operating room, for his parents in the waiting room, for the parents who have just said good-bye to their loved one and said "yes" to organ donation... He was SO excited when I saw him this morning and he was able to share the news with everyone...a chance to live a more "normal" life made him grin from ear to ear. It will not be an easy road, but the "chance" is there, and so is the faith...

An extra special "prayer break" for him, and for the other prayers that are in my heart this night...

Good night.

Deadlines

I think I made a good choice in having a job that doesn't typically revolve around "deadlines". If it weren't for my committees, I could go to work and come home and not worry about anything work-related until I went back. I suppose there are projects and being "involved" in those (and committees) is something that I enjoy, but it isn't like I have lists of things that need to be done by a certain time, reports that need to be sent by a certain date, or anything like that. While I have "grown up" in a lot of ways, procrastination is still my middle name and with that comes some stress when the deadline actually arrives (although it is usually the deadline that makes me actually get my butt in gear and do the job!)

There were countless times that I was crying the night before a big paper or project was due (it was always the papers...I HATED writing papers...those stressed me out SO much!) I flunked my World Religions final my first semester in college because I finished the paper that was due at the final just about 20 minutes before the test and didn't study at ALL for the exam. (I still ended up with a "B" in the class, thank goodness!)

This week, I am kind of working with a "deadline". I am getting new floors for my kitchen on Thursday. I wanted to paint before the new floors came. Last weekend (well, Friday and Saturday of that week), I put the first coat on. Then, well, it just "didn't work out" for me to get the second coat on any of the days after that. This weekend was busy with working on Saturday, my dad's party yesterday, and family in town today. I work tomorrow and Wednesday, so was just really not excited about this "deadline" that is quickly approaching.

So, as soon as my aunt left for the airport, I came home and got to work on painting. For me not thinking it was a room with very much wall space, it still took over four hours to get the second coat on. As I was painting, though, I was VERY bummed to realize that it was going to require a third coat. I was sweating, sore, tired, and wondering where four hours of energy were going to come from after working twelve-hour shifts. But, it will need to be done. I have a deadline to meet, and it will work out (hopefully without any tears...painting is definitely easier than writing a paper, though, so I should be okay!) I'm also thinking I may need to buy a little more paint which is annoying. I'm also a little frustrated that it came to this fast approaching "deadline" because I actually didn't really procrastinate this time...the timing just didn't work to get out all the painting supplies and spend an extended period of time working on it (it isn't something you can really do if you only have an hour in between activities!)

Well, back to work tomorrow...and then more painting I guess. I am hoping for a nice day since I'm still pretty tired. I still haven't really started my homework for my appointment on Friday, so am going to have to fit some time in to do that. Plus, there are book club books I want to be reading so I can participate in discussions. (I missed the work one last week, but am only halfway through the book, so guess that is okay.)

Good night.

Double Nickels

"Today", September 7, my dad turns 55. So, my mom threw him a "double nickel" party. My parents have gone to the same church since I was in Kindergarten, and lived in their house since I was in first grade. They are really involved in church and the neighborhood and have TONS of friends (plus, my mom has seven brothers and sisters, so family gatherings are not small ones!) At least 100 people showed up at the "open house" that officially began at 4:00, but really started a few hours earlier. As I "mentioned" yesterday, I was a little bit nervous about how I would be socially after the way last week went. I wouldn't say that I am EVER the life of the party (if you knew my father, you would understand why!), but I think I do a good job at mingling and LOVE talking to as many people as possible at parties like this where I know a ton of people. As kids, my sister was the one given the title "social butterfly", but I definitely think I would be considered one now (well, definitely when around THESE people that I have known "forever", I can still be pretty quiet/shy around people I don't know).

I went to Mass with my family (grandparents, parents, aunt) at 9:00. I had a cup of coffee, but then went home to get ready. I had planned on taking a nap, but ended up spending a ridiculously large amount of time on my hair without much to show for it. But, it was nice just to relax and "gear up" for the party. Not that I really had anything to prove, but I am "always" friendly and "chatty" and I definitely didn't want to do any explaining of acting differently (even though I feel a ton better, you never know what kind of subtleties people will pick up on.)

Well, as it turns out, I didn't have anything to worry about. My chattiness came natural and I did a TON of visiting. People came in and out of the house for hours, but some stayed for a REALLY long time. My parents sure know how to throw a party and everyone had a great time (there was a lot of really great food too!)

Seeing as my dad thinks he "started" the Hawaiian shirt trend, it was fun that a few of the "guests" wore Hawaiian shirts (my dad is in the red one second from the right in case I haven't posted a picture of him in a while...)

This is one of only a few, if not the ONLY picture I have of me with one of my best friends. I baby-sat her kids when they lived in the neighborhood, but she and I became great friends and get together about every 2-3 months (not often enough, but we make the most of our time together). She is WONDERFUL and I have gone to her with LOTS of issues the past 10+ years and consider her one of my "put things in perspective" friends. She is a great listener and I feel very blessed to have her as a friend. Even before things got so bad last week, I was thinking I needed to call her. She let me know that calling me had been on her list, but kept getting transferred in her planner from week to week. Maybe things wouldn't have been so "dramatic" last week if I had just called her when I thought I "needed" to, but, then again, it likely would have just kept whatever "problem" I had hidden because EVENTUALLY something was going to happen. We stood in the middle of my parent's living room with people ALL around us and had an amazing conversation. I told her a lot of what happened last week, what was going on, what I was doing about it and NO ONE even knew that I was sharing something so deeply personal with her (I mean, who DOES that in the middle of a room full of people?! It worked VERY well though and was very helpful). I am not sure when it will work for us to "actually" get together for coffee or something, but I feel a LOT better after talking to her :o)

It wouldn't be a family post without a picture of my growing nephew. He did GREAT with the crowd, and I am proud of my sister and brother-in-law for letting him be "social". I'm not sure HOW many people held him, but he hardly fussed at all (which, of course made him even MORE "popular" :o) ).

At around 9:30, my sister was getting ready to leave, but she wanted to see my dad's cards so made him sit down and open them. It was THE funniest thing...about as funny as watching a three-year-old open his presents. We all sat in a circle in the living room with him and his stack of cards. He read each of them out loud...and then flipped each card over to let us know how much THAT card cost (and who gave it to him). Maybe this is one of those "had to be there" moments, but it was HILARIOUS for all of us who were (I mean, who looks at how much people pay for cards?! ha!)

After the "card opening", my mom, two of her sisters (my aunts), two of my cousins and I headed to the neighborhood bar. We had planned to go earlier in the evening to a different bar, but apparently that one was closed. I can't believe we got my mom to go with us, but that made it extra fun (having her two sisters come definitely helped!) My two aunts and I tried our first "Irish Car Bomb"...all of us actually liked it, but I left a bit of a mess (I don't think I should post pictures of my aunts doing it with me, but they are some pretty fun pictures!)

We stayed at the bar for quite a while (and, I had two drinks AFTER this one...) and it was really fun to hang out with family like that. I'd better go to sleep, though, since it is now "actually" my dad's birthday and I think he has ideas of what he wants to do, plus I need to finish painting my kitchen.

So, it was a very good day, but I'm not exactly sure what to make of that. If I didn't have "proof", than I likely wouldn't believe the mess I was in a couple days ago. The last time I utilized the Employee Assistance Program, I went to my "three free sessions" and then stopped because I felt like I was "better/fixed". And, maybe that time I was. The way I felt today was almost as if I had never "snapped" and would never have reason to go that route again...something tells me that I should at least consider making regular trips to the counselor beyond the three sessions that are free...

Time to sleep. Good night.

The Best Way

Even though I felt caught up on sleep and thought I was feeling better, a part of me still kind of dreaded going to work today. Since we have holiday teams, I knew that no one who worked yesterday would be working today, so it didn't seem likely that I would have to answer the "How are you feeling today?/Are you better?/What was wrong with you?" questions.

I picked up today as "bonus" which is an extra $10/hr plus time and half for anything over 40 hours which also helped me not dread going. I was the only one not working three days in a row, so pretty much took the "clearance kids" as one of the nurses likes to call the patients that are not snapped right up (although, I DID speak up and say that if I was going to take one particular patient, then I wanted to "pick" my other one).

I was actually kind of forgetful this morning and didn't realize until the afternoon that I had forgotten to chart on one of my TWO patients. WOW, I am glad that I didn't try to work yesterday, AND glad that I didn't have that busy of patients!

Besides forgetting a couple things, the day actually went the best way possible. Even though I was tired, I was able to keep going and manage everything without any stress or tears. I didn't have to take any new patients. Only one of my two patients' families was the least bit emotionally draining and the other one wasn't AT ALL. I worked with great people. THEY didn't have a crazy day.

So, much better than I expected...and probably the BEST it could have been considering.

After work, I went to my mom and dad's. They were baby-sitting my nephew, both sets of grandparents were there, as well as two of my aunts, one of whom is in town for the weekend. I got lots of snuggly nephew time and also got to visit with my aunt (the one who was my "mom" when I was in college since she lived nearby).

Tomorrow, my mom is hosting a birthday party for my dad. I actually still haven't gotten him a gift and need to make sure I have a card...oops! They are expecting about 100 people. Usually I LOVE these kinds of gatherings because chit-chatting is what I do. My parents have great friends and have lived in the neighborhood for over 20 years. So, I will know everyone and typically make a point to talk to as many people as possible :o) Hopefully, that usually and typically are unnecessary, but I'm a little nervous about being in a large group of people after this emotional week. I mean, I'm all about being honest, but I am definitely going to try with all my might not to mention what REALLY went on this week. However, I guess the honest answer really IS that I am happy, things are going VERY well with me...I love my job, my house is nice, I have been doing a lot of traveling and have more vacations planned, being an aunt is lots of fun...

Phew...I think I will be okay if I just be my honest self!

Well, my family is going to church at 9, so I probably should make an effort to go with them. The choir sings at 11, which would be my "preferred" time, but it isn't often that I can go with family (it actually hasn't been often that I have been able to go AT ALL which I am sure has not helped things!)

Maybe I should start my "homework" before I go to bed though...it's a long book!
Good night.

First Step

The first step to "recovery" is admitting there is a problem. "Obviously", two days of crying without an "obvious" focus is a problem.

So, after sleeping for like 10 hours, I called the employee assistance program. The woman there was very nice and found a therapist who would see me this afternoon. As it turns out, she words part-time for that company, and part-time for a place that works with grieving children. Coincidence?! Yeah, right!

She was very nice and I talked almost non-stop for an hour (shocking, right?!) It was a very productive discussion and she gave me some "homework", including a book suggestion and asking me to take a few minutes of quiet time each day to clear my mind and get in touch with myself. I did go and buy the book, but flipping through it, I'm not sure I want to know what it says...even though I am sure it will help!

Much more to come on this in my "road to recovery", but I am feeling quite a bit better. Back to work tomorrow, but then I have two days off. My mom is hosting a birthday party for my dad on Sunday (a "double nickel" party for his 55th birthday!) and my aunt who lives in Tennessee will be here this weekend. So, I have some things to look forward to, and have another appointment next Friday morning.

I saw one of my best friends from high school this afternoon and she asked me to be her baby's Godmother. I am very honored that she asked me...unfortunately, I am scheduled to work the day of the Baptism, so hopefully I can find someone to work for me. She said it wasn't "that big of a deal" if I couldn't come, but I really think it IS a big deal!

Well, it is nearly midnight and my alarm will be going off at 5:30, so I'd better go to sleep...
Good night.

Personal Connection

Even after sleeping for nearly 10 hours, I am still feeling like I could take a nice long nap. So, I think I will do that, even though I would love to finish my kitchen painting project and reverse the damage of whatever tornado went through my living room. My house remains a mess, but, I have only "teared up" a couple times today, so that is defintely progress. I called the counseling center that takes patients from the employee assistance program for my hospital. I was given an appointment for this afternoon at 4:00, which is really nice considering I don't have another day off until next Thursday when my floors are being installed, so I probably couldn't have gone until next FRIDAY (although, I did notice when I was filling out paperwork that they see patients until 9 PM, so I COULD go after work some day)

I made myself leave the house for a bit and walked to the post office to mail a package. Then, I stopped by the grocery store since I have been without milk for about a week. I usually have carnation instant breakfast on days I work and had been having cereal when I was at home, but that wasn't working so well without milk. I actually used a loaf of bread which usually goes bad, but since it was gone, that meant I couldn't have toast or a sandwich. So, a grocery store stop was needed. And, even though I am not a huge fan of Starbuck's coffee, getting a pumpkin spice latte meant that I didn't have to make a pot of coffee when I got home (and pumpkin spice is just yummy!)

As I was walking, I continued my ongoing search for what in the world happened to get me to my breaking point. Well, I have quite the list of possibilities, so it likely is a combination of everything all coming together and bursting the week that Aunt Flo came...or, her visit is just a coincidence and I shouldn't blame it all on her.

I have already started thinking about the big things that likely came into play...those are the "easy" things, but what if there are lots of little things that I haven't even considered that have made more of an impact than I realize?

One of these "possibilities" (again, just "brainstorming" here!) is this idea of personal connection. I know FOR SURE that I thrive on connecting personally with people. I believe that is one of the things that makes me a good nurse, a good friend, a good family member, a good "stranger". Being with people makes me happy (although I DO enjoy my alone time, that's for sure!) and making other people happy brings joy to my life.

However, more than half of my friends do not live close enough to meet for coffee, for lunch, for dinner and a movie. As much as I enjoy having friends all across the country, I wonder if that has downsides that I haven't considered. In this day and age with technology the way it is, I communicate with my friends (and family) through email, texting, twitter, and facebook. Even with the friends who live in the same city. Rarely do I get "phone time" with anyone, and the face-to-face "hanging out" times are becoming few and far between (besides with my parents and my sister...while it is awesome that my family is so close and I have a great relationship with them, they aren't the same as "girlfriends")

I get this personal connection with my patients and their families when they are in the hospital, but then they are discharged back to their homes that are often hundreds of miles away. And, even though that is the way things are "supposed" to be, I wonder if somehow that feels a "loss", even if the child leaves happy and healthy. A "loss" even though that is the way things are supposed to be and doesn't feel like a "loss" in that moment, but piled one on top the other can add up. Or, back to the "feeling needed" question I have been thinking about, maybe it is hard when I am no longer "needed". (That is an entirely different issue than this personal connection thing though.)

So, maybe I am going to have to make a point to connect personally with the friends who are here. I do have a couple friends I enjoy meeting for coffee, lunch, dinner, so I should try to make that a priority. I know I can't exactly set "phone dates" with my friends who live far away, but I wonder if that would help those friendships seem more "real"...that is a really weird things to say, but it is really hard to explain that I have friends I have never met, or have only seen once or a couple times. I wouldn't say that the personal connection is "missing" because that isn't the right word, but it definitely isn't the same when the emotions are only evident in the way the words are written/read by me, or by them.

{sigh} more to come, I am sure...nap time (and then maybe bill paying time since today was "pay day"...good thing I didn't try to do that yesterday or would have cried for sure!)

Mental Health Day

I slept like a rock after my hours of crying last night, and it was REALLY hard to get up this morning. But, I had a meeting to lead, so off I went--back to the hospital for a 9:30 meeting.

The meeting actually went REALLY well, although I did have to catch myself a couple times to make sure no "random" tears would fall. I got some really nice compliments about the way the meeting went, which, of course, was very nice.

But, by the time I got home, I was crying again (the two comments I received on last night's post were very nice, but did create a different kind of tears). I was once again bawling to the point of nearly making myself sick and knew then that there was NO way I would be able to make it through a 12-hour shift tomorrow...not when I could barely hold myself together yesterday, barely held myself together during a MEETING, and couldn't make the tears stop while I was at home sitting on the couch.

However, I was crying WAY too hard to call my manager to talk to her. I have NEVER called in sick and it just didn't seem right to wait when I already knew that work just wasn't going to happen. And, while I felt guilty about wanting to call in sick when I wasn't "sick" (although, I really do sort of feel sick, and most definitely would feel "ill" if I had to get up for work knowing that I wasn't quite right), I knew I needed to do it. So, I sent her an email asking her to call me when she had a chance.

And then I went to bed where I cried on an off, but did get a nice little nap.

At around 5:00, I decided I should call her since it had been a little bit since I cried and I thought I'd be okay. She wasn't in her office, but for some reason answered the charge nurse's phone. Of course, I burst into tears and asked her to call me when she got back to her office.

I was supposed to meet my fantasy baseball partner to discuss our plans for fantasy football since our "draft" is tomorrow. However, I knew I was in no shape to go to a public place, so I asked if we could go to her house. As things turned out, she was having a tough time and really was in need of a good chat/cry. So, she stopped by my crazy messy house and we ordered a pizza and drank a beer.

My manager finally called me back about 7:00 since she was working out on the floor helping. Of course, I started crying again and told her that I really didn't think it would be good for me to come to work tomorrow. I seriously need a "mental health day" and let her know that I WOULD be calling the employee assistance program to make an appointment. I likely will be okay by tomorrow, especially if I go to bed shortly, but it doesn't work for me to be there and "go through the motions". I have to "give my all" or I feel like crap, which probably would bring more tears, even if whatever it is that is causing THESE tears goes away. Me not working tomorrow means they have to get a float nurse. That makes me feel guilty, but, I was told multiple times today that I NEED to take care of myself, and that will be possible if I can have a day without any plans. I haven't been to the grocery store in a long time. My kitchen is in shambles because I haven't been able to finish painting. My living room is a mess, my guest room has a bunch of stuff from the kitchen. I need to go to the post office. I need to balance my check book/pay bills. I just need to be at home when no one knows that I am "off"...

I cried and cried and she was SO great. It is wonderful to have such a good relationship with her because she KNOWS me. She knows that it was killing me knowing that I was leaving the floor in a little bit of a pinch, but also asked that I call her tomorrow to let her know how things are going.

I am exhausted and honestly do not know how all those tears found their way out because yesterday left my pillows pretty soaked. Of course, I have friends who tend to put things in perspective because things could always be worse. But, maybe the hardest part about all these tears is that there isn't a "reason" for them...at least not one that is staring me in the face. The tears are as real as if it was learning of an illness, or a death, or a fire, or the loss of a job...but it makes SENSE to cry in those situations and making sense of all this is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

However, like I told my manager, I am blessed with great friends. I have an amazing family (although they have NO clue I have spent the past two days crying). I have a wonderful job working with terrific people. I have faith. I already use journalling as an outlet.

Time for bed.

I think it is appropriate that I didn't find this in my inbox until today...even though it arrived on Tuesday:

"So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child - the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be? If, when playing an opponent, you are also opposing yourself, you will be outnumbered."

~Dan Millman

Good night.

Broken Point

I held in (most of) my tears until I was driving home from the horse races. As the tears fell, I was thinking about what to title this post. There have been posts swirling in my head just trying to come out, but for whatever reason that has not happened. "Broken Point" seemed to fit I guess, because that's how I feel...

I began sobbing while doing the simple task of washing my hands. As I sobbed and splashed water on my face, I thought to myself "What would I say in response to someone who asked what was wrong?" "Nothing?", "Everything?" "What do you want?" "Well, probably exactly what I have right now." "Why the tears then?" "I don't know, I just don't know, but they just won't stop."

I cried so hard I became physically ill. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is the matter with me?! While the tears still fall, I'm definitely going to make sure I don't throw up again...sheesh. (Well, it seems at this point I may have run out of tears for the time being, but who knows how long that will last...)

Again, where in the world is this all coming from?! Not sure I will ever know for sure, but this "blog" was created for my journal and at this point, I think journalling is the only thing that could possibly help right now.

Thinking I may need to do a little "rewind"...I think this has all been "stewing" for a while and it was only a matter of time before "it" hit the fan.

Not sure if my "meltdowns" began just prior to this post which displayed my ticking biological clock, but looking back, it could have been stewing way back when I was experiencing the drought. In either case, I may have let things go a little too long.

On the 27th, I wanted to write a post titled "He Called". (I wrote this post and this one instead!) I burst into tears as I told Ginger that the guy I went on a "double date" with called me and invited me to a movie. While she made me giggle with questions of his five heads and probation, there was still the question of "Why?" Why was it so much easier for me to take if he went on the "short list" of guys who went out with me once and never called back (of course, my "lovely" friend from Curves pointed out that we haven't technically gone on a "date", so it isn't until we do that and he calls again that he can be taken off that "short list") But, really it was easier that way. You would think that maybe I would be beating myself up wondering why he wouldn't want to hang out with me, was I not "cool" enough, "pretty" enough, "smart" enough, "fun" enough...but, those thoughts never really crossed my mind. In fact, I found it kind of funny to have that kind of track record. It was the fact that he DID want to hang out with me again that bothered me more. That isn't the first time that I have wondered WHY people like me, why people like the "Chicago girls" honestly wanted to see me and hang out with me again. (Gosh darn these tears!) I DO feel like I have a lot of friends, so why the insecurity? Why the tears? Why do I not feel "worthy" of that?

I DID call him back, which led me to want to write a post called "Making Time". The next day that I had nothing planned was like 2 weeks away (I still haven't "committed" to doing something with him that day...) I was thinking that "time" was a lot like "money". You can learn to do a lot with a little, but only if you choose to do so. You can make the most of the time that you have--whether that be time with your family, your friends, your significant other--whether it is a telephone call, coffee every other month, or scheduled "us" time. If you REALLY want something to happen, there will be a way to make it work...it could be a simple fix like cutting out an hour of television, or a bigger "sacrifice", but if it is truly important, it is possible. I think the same can be said about money, although I have been fortunate not to have to "pinch pennies" all the time, but I like using coupons, buying things on sale, traveling with free airline tickets to places where I have family and friends, eating dinner with my parents... So, I'm thinking that if it is important for me to hang out with him (or any other guy), then I will have to make time--it will have to be important to me...

Writing this post, while feeling thankful, also brought the idea for a post called either "Fine Line" or "Slippery Slope". I love that I am in a position where I can be there to help those "in need" on many different levels. There are some big, and MANY little things that I have found great joy in doing for the special people in my life (and those "special people" who grace my life for just a moment but feel "touched" by me just being me). But, is being one who ministers to the needy different than having the desire to feel "needed"? I have struggled a lot since this concept first came to fruition. In my mind, I want to think that my heart was just made to love other people and to bring out the best in them (yeah, just a little bit ENFJ!), doing little things that mean much, paying attention to details, being an "information gatherer", trying to make each person I meet feel like they are special...but, what if it is a selfish facade boosting my "likability"... Of course, I know that I truly care about other people and their feelings, but I can't help but wonder if I am more selfish than it appears...or than I know. And maybe those two concepts aren't as different as they seem.

During the past seven days (Thursday-Wednesday), I worked FIVE twelve-hour shifts. Friday, I painted after I went to the eye doctor before I went to dinner and a movie. Yesterday, I went shopping, baby-sat, and went to a movie. I already wrote about the exhaustion after the three shifts that ended on Monday night. It never crossed my mind that today could be WORSE than those ones. Of course, my first tears fell before I even had breakfast, so I should have known it was going to be tough. I nearly took the offer to stay at home, but knew that if I went to work today, I could "finish up" all that work I did over the weekend when I worked with the same family I did over the weekend (I was teased for being "stupid" and "throwing myself under the bus", but I tend to gravitate toward the "challenges"...should have known that my energy for dealing with such things was nearly shot.) Here is where my ego sneaks in...I KNOW that I was the best nurse to deal with this family. On the report sheet, the mom was listed as "cooky", but she LOVED me, and I knew how to handle her, well "cooky-ness". I was pretty much zapped even before I got a new highly demanding (emotionally, physically, psychologically) patient/family. I didn't have much left. I was nearly breaking, but managed to hold back the tears. No crying at work. No crying at work. (That mantra doesn't always work.) I was dropping curse words here and there and my normally super-positive attitude was going South, and heading there fast.

I hate feeling like that.

I clocked out at 7:40...just over 12 1/2 hours since my shift began and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.(Everyone was kind of in the same boat...when you have a 19 bed unit and get 10 new patients in a five-hour period with seven nurses, that makes for a pretty crazy time. I did leave before some of them.)

My dad went to the horse races and I decided to meet him there because I have no food at home anyway (haven't had any time to go to the store!) I wiped away tears the entire way there.

A friend shared a "secret" with me. One that I am very honored she chose me to share it with. In that moment though, all I could do was cry (well, hold back tears anyway since I was in a public place). How terrible is that?! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...no matter how you put it, I suppose I can just be thankful she didn't have to listen to my sobbing (or see me trying to stop my quivering bottom lip) in "her moment". Drowning in my sorrows (whatever those "sorrows" are) when this was obviously a special time. Who does that?! I feel like such a traitor, or a counterfeit, or something else really not good.

It is nearly midnight now. And, the tears have briefly stopped, but I know this is not the end of this. I have 10 policies and procedures that need to be reviewed before my meeting at 9:30. I haven't been able to make progress on my kitchen painting project since 8:00 seems too late to start painting when the alarm clock goes off at 5:30. I work again on Friday and Saturday, so it would be nice for this "funk" to pass, but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. But, I should probably get some sleep since I am feeling tapped out and sleep is great fuel :o)

Broken...but only to a Point...this too shall pass...I can get through "this", whatever "this" is... I may have reached my breaking point, but not broken beyond repair.

I've been listening to my new Selah CD and LOVE it. Of course, I find myself crying at songs a lot recently. But, I heard this one on a blog before I listened to it on my CD and not only are their voices beautiful, but the lyrics are too. It may not EXACTLY fit what's going on here in this very long and likely scattered post, but it is on my mind, so I will post the lyrics and hopefully the video as well.



Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be


(and, now it's AFTER midnight...)
Good night.