Mental Health Day

I slept like a rock after my hours of crying last night, and it was REALLY hard to get up this morning. But, I had a meeting to lead, so off I went--back to the hospital for a 9:30 meeting.

The meeting actually went REALLY well, although I did have to catch myself a couple times to make sure no "random" tears would fall. I got some really nice compliments about the way the meeting went, which, of course, was very nice.

But, by the time I got home, I was crying again (the two comments I received on last night's post were very nice, but did create a different kind of tears). I was once again bawling to the point of nearly making myself sick and knew then that there was NO way I would be able to make it through a 12-hour shift tomorrow...not when I could barely hold myself together yesterday, barely held myself together during a MEETING, and couldn't make the tears stop while I was at home sitting on the couch.

However, I was crying WAY too hard to call my manager to talk to her. I have NEVER called in sick and it just didn't seem right to wait when I already knew that work just wasn't going to happen. And, while I felt guilty about wanting to call in sick when I wasn't "sick" (although, I really do sort of feel sick, and most definitely would feel "ill" if I had to get up for work knowing that I wasn't quite right), I knew I needed to do it. So, I sent her an email asking her to call me when she had a chance.

And then I went to bed where I cried on an off, but did get a nice little nap.

At around 5:00, I decided I should call her since it had been a little bit since I cried and I thought I'd be okay. She wasn't in her office, but for some reason answered the charge nurse's phone. Of course, I burst into tears and asked her to call me when she got back to her office.

I was supposed to meet my fantasy baseball partner to discuss our plans for fantasy football since our "draft" is tomorrow. However, I knew I was in no shape to go to a public place, so I asked if we could go to her house. As things turned out, she was having a tough time and really was in need of a good chat/cry. So, she stopped by my crazy messy house and we ordered a pizza and drank a beer.

My manager finally called me back about 7:00 since she was working out on the floor helping. Of course, I started crying again and told her that I really didn't think it would be good for me to come to work tomorrow. I seriously need a "mental health day" and let her know that I WOULD be calling the employee assistance program to make an appointment. I likely will be okay by tomorrow, especially if I go to bed shortly, but it doesn't work for me to be there and "go through the motions". I have to "give my all" or I feel like crap, which probably would bring more tears, even if whatever it is that is causing THESE tears goes away. Me not working tomorrow means they have to get a float nurse. That makes me feel guilty, but, I was told multiple times today that I NEED to take care of myself, and that will be possible if I can have a day without any plans. I haven't been to the grocery store in a long time. My kitchen is in shambles because I haven't been able to finish painting. My living room is a mess, my guest room has a bunch of stuff from the kitchen. I need to go to the post office. I need to balance my check book/pay bills. I just need to be at home when no one knows that I am "off"...

I cried and cried and she was SO great. It is wonderful to have such a good relationship with her because she KNOWS me. She knows that it was killing me knowing that I was leaving the floor in a little bit of a pinch, but also asked that I call her tomorrow to let her know how things are going.

I am exhausted and honestly do not know how all those tears found their way out because yesterday left my pillows pretty soaked. Of course, I have friends who tend to put things in perspective because things could always be worse. But, maybe the hardest part about all these tears is that there isn't a "reason" for them...at least not one that is staring me in the face. The tears are as real as if it was learning of an illness, or a death, or a fire, or the loss of a job...but it makes SENSE to cry in those situations and making sense of all this is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

However, like I told my manager, I am blessed with great friends. I have an amazing family (although they have NO clue I have spent the past two days crying). I have a wonderful job working with terrific people. I have faith. I already use journalling as an outlet.

Time for bed.

I think it is appropriate that I didn't find this in my inbox until today...even though it arrived on Tuesday:

"So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child - the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be? If, when playing an opponent, you are also opposing yourself, you will be outnumbered."

~Dan Millman

Good night.

Broken Point

I held in (most of) my tears until I was driving home from the horse races. As the tears fell, I was thinking about what to title this post. There have been posts swirling in my head just trying to come out, but for whatever reason that has not happened. "Broken Point" seemed to fit I guess, because that's how I feel...

I began sobbing while doing the simple task of washing my hands. As I sobbed and splashed water on my face, I thought to myself "What would I say in response to someone who asked what was wrong?" "Nothing?", "Everything?" "What do you want?" "Well, probably exactly what I have right now." "Why the tears then?" "I don't know, I just don't know, but they just won't stop."

I cried so hard I became physically ill. What the H-E-double hockey sticks is the matter with me?! While the tears still fall, I'm definitely going to make sure I don't throw up again...sheesh. (Well, it seems at this point I may have run out of tears for the time being, but who knows how long that will last...)

Again, where in the world is this all coming from?! Not sure I will ever know for sure, but this "blog" was created for my journal and at this point, I think journalling is the only thing that could possibly help right now.

Thinking I may need to do a little "rewind"...I think this has all been "stewing" for a while and it was only a matter of time before "it" hit the fan.

Not sure if my "meltdowns" began just prior to this post which displayed my ticking biological clock, but looking back, it could have been stewing way back when I was experiencing the drought. In either case, I may have let things go a little too long.

On the 27th, I wanted to write a post titled "He Called". (I wrote this post and this one instead!) I burst into tears as I told Ginger that the guy I went on a "double date" with called me and invited me to a movie. While she made me giggle with questions of his five heads and probation, there was still the question of "Why?" Why was it so much easier for me to take if he went on the "short list" of guys who went out with me once and never called back (of course, my "lovely" friend from Curves pointed out that we haven't technically gone on a "date", so it isn't until we do that and he calls again that he can be taken off that "short list") But, really it was easier that way. You would think that maybe I would be beating myself up wondering why he wouldn't want to hang out with me, was I not "cool" enough, "pretty" enough, "smart" enough, "fun" enough...but, those thoughts never really crossed my mind. In fact, I found it kind of funny to have that kind of track record. It was the fact that he DID want to hang out with me again that bothered me more. That isn't the first time that I have wondered WHY people like me, why people like the "Chicago girls" honestly wanted to see me and hang out with me again. (Gosh darn these tears!) I DO feel like I have a lot of friends, so why the insecurity? Why the tears? Why do I not feel "worthy" of that?

I DID call him back, which led me to want to write a post called "Making Time". The next day that I had nothing planned was like 2 weeks away (I still haven't "committed" to doing something with him that day...) I was thinking that "time" was a lot like "money". You can learn to do a lot with a little, but only if you choose to do so. You can make the most of the time that you have--whether that be time with your family, your friends, your significant other--whether it is a telephone call, coffee every other month, or scheduled "us" time. If you REALLY want something to happen, there will be a way to make it work...it could be a simple fix like cutting out an hour of television, or a bigger "sacrifice", but if it is truly important, it is possible. I think the same can be said about money, although I have been fortunate not to have to "pinch pennies" all the time, but I like using coupons, buying things on sale, traveling with free airline tickets to places where I have family and friends, eating dinner with my parents... So, I'm thinking that if it is important for me to hang out with him (or any other guy), then I will have to make time--it will have to be important to me...

Writing this post, while feeling thankful, also brought the idea for a post called either "Fine Line" or "Slippery Slope". I love that I am in a position where I can be there to help those "in need" on many different levels. There are some big, and MANY little things that I have found great joy in doing for the special people in my life (and those "special people" who grace my life for just a moment but feel "touched" by me just being me). But, is being one who ministers to the needy different than having the desire to feel "needed"? I have struggled a lot since this concept first came to fruition. In my mind, I want to think that my heart was just made to love other people and to bring out the best in them (yeah, just a little bit ENFJ!), doing little things that mean much, paying attention to details, being an "information gatherer", trying to make each person I meet feel like they are special...but, what if it is a selfish facade boosting my "likability"... Of course, I know that I truly care about other people and their feelings, but I can't help but wonder if I am more selfish than it appears...or than I know. And maybe those two concepts aren't as different as they seem.

During the past seven days (Thursday-Wednesday), I worked FIVE twelve-hour shifts. Friday, I painted after I went to the eye doctor before I went to dinner and a movie. Yesterday, I went shopping, baby-sat, and went to a movie. I already wrote about the exhaustion after the three shifts that ended on Monday night. It never crossed my mind that today could be WORSE than those ones. Of course, my first tears fell before I even had breakfast, so I should have known it was going to be tough. I nearly took the offer to stay at home, but knew that if I went to work today, I could "finish up" all that work I did over the weekend when I worked with the same family I did over the weekend (I was teased for being "stupid" and "throwing myself under the bus", but I tend to gravitate toward the "challenges"...should have known that my energy for dealing with such things was nearly shot.) Here is where my ego sneaks in...I KNOW that I was the best nurse to deal with this family. On the report sheet, the mom was listed as "cooky", but she LOVED me, and I knew how to handle her, well "cooky-ness". I was pretty much zapped even before I got a new highly demanding (emotionally, physically, psychologically) patient/family. I didn't have much left. I was nearly breaking, but managed to hold back the tears. No crying at work. No crying at work. (That mantra doesn't always work.) I was dropping curse words here and there and my normally super-positive attitude was going South, and heading there fast.

I hate feeling like that.

I clocked out at 7:40...just over 12 1/2 hours since my shift began and I couldn't get out of there fast enough.(Everyone was kind of in the same boat...when you have a 19 bed unit and get 10 new patients in a five-hour period with seven nurses, that makes for a pretty crazy time. I did leave before some of them.)

My dad went to the horse races and I decided to meet him there because I have no food at home anyway (haven't had any time to go to the store!) I wiped away tears the entire way there.

A friend shared a "secret" with me. One that I am very honored she chose me to share it with. In that moment though, all I could do was cry (well, hold back tears anyway since I was in a public place). How terrible is that?! Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad...no matter how you put it, I suppose I can just be thankful she didn't have to listen to my sobbing (or see me trying to stop my quivering bottom lip) in "her moment". Drowning in my sorrows (whatever those "sorrows" are) when this was obviously a special time. Who does that?! I feel like such a traitor, or a counterfeit, or something else really not good.

It is nearly midnight now. And, the tears have briefly stopped, but I know this is not the end of this. I have 10 policies and procedures that need to be reviewed before my meeting at 9:30. I haven't been able to make progress on my kitchen painting project since 8:00 seems too late to start painting when the alarm clock goes off at 5:30. I work again on Friday and Saturday, so it would be nice for this "funk" to pass, but I'm not sure I should hold my breath. But, I should probably get some sleep since I am feeling tapped out and sleep is great fuel :o)

Broken...but only to a Point...this too shall pass...I can get through "this", whatever "this" is... I may have reached my breaking point, but not broken beyond repair.

I've been listening to my new Selah CD and LOVE it. Of course, I find myself crying at songs a lot recently. But, I heard this one on a blog before I listened to it on my CD and not only are their voices beautiful, but the lyrics are too. It may not EXACTLY fit what's going on here in this very long and likely scattered post, but it is on my mind, so I will post the lyrics and hopefully the video as well.



Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be


(and, now it's AFTER midnight...)
Good night.

SO tired, SO thankful

I worked a 12-hour shift on Thursday, was "off" Friday, then worked 12-hour shifts Saturday, Sunday, and today. I am SOOOO tired! These were some mentally, physically, emotionally tiring days at work. Much more than I have had in a while. I sort of wish I had counted my phone calls, but am not sure I really want to know. I was coordinating this, arranging that, putting out fires here and there, controlling pain, talking to social work, changing dirty diapers, working with nurses on two other units...the list could go on and on but it is making me even more tired to think about it! I really should go to bed (I need to send out the agenda for Thursday's meeting and haven't reviewed the minutes or policies and procedures that need to be done prior to that...ugh!) However, I think some things just need to be documented.

Even though I am SOOOO tired (as I was last night and the night before when I got home from work), at the end of the day, I KNOW I did some great things. And, to be able to do that makes me SO very thankful. I worked REALLY hard and it took a LOT out of me, but I know that I made a difference.

And, like my "friend from Curves who no longer works at Curves" said on Friday, maybe one of the reasons that I have "needed" to remain single without children of my own is that I may not be able to give EVERYTHING at work if I want to have anything left at home. Something to consider I guess. I would like to think that I could do both, but for now, this is the way things are and I suppose it is "perfect".

Some super special highlights that definitely helped these past few days (of course, I am who I am and don't do things because I want people to give me compliments, but these words came when I needed them most):

• A friend (one I have never actually met) said to me--"You are seriously the most thoughtful person ever; Seriously, I honestly don't know a more thoughtful person; most people don't realize how much the little things count--you do..." (Um, yeah, that totally made me cry.)
• I ran into the new transplant fellow on my way into work. She told me she was really surprised that Thursday was the first time I was in charge. While I don't exactly remember her words, it was something to the effect that I really knew what was going on :o)
• The attending trauma surgeon I don't know very well and I were talking when I got a call from the social worker who had NO clue what was going on. I talked to her for a while and when I got off, he said "you handled that very well!" Then, after visiting my patient, he said that if she continues to be that kind of kid, she will grow up to be as sweet as me...aww! :o)
• I spent much of these three days working on a discharge plan for one of my patients since her mom was also in the hospital. Without going into too much detail, the mom was pretty stressed out and had a couple pretty big "meltdowns" and upset about her care. I calmly explained to her how communication is not one of the greatest attributes about the hospital system when multiple "teams" are involved. She was not being treated differently because of her financial status, it just was a REALLY complex case. She was starting the "I want everyone's name" game and I wanted to squash that whole idea for sure! She said "you are the smartest person working on this whole thing"...okay, I'll take that ;o) ha ha
• And, my other patients' families also gave me the ole "thanks for all you have done for us" at the end of the day which is always appreciated :o)
  

So, crazy busy, crazy tired, a bit crabby, a little irritated, slightly agitated, with sore legs, achy feet and "Aunt Flo" decided to come say hi (hopefully she will make her visit brief and painless). I had an entirely different post planned, but it will wait (hopefully I will still remember my "idea" when I actually have time!)

Tomorrow is my sister and brother-in-law's second anniversary. So, I am baby-sitting my nephew while they go out to lunch. I am also going to a movie with a friend...so, am not sure when I will get to put the second coat of paint on the walls in my kitchen (or when I will get that work stuff done!)

Good night.

Longer Letter Later

I am sure that I have mentioned that after meeting my friend on the beach in fourth grade, we wrote letters back and forth pretty much all the way until college when I first learned about "email". I'm not sure if it was in letters to her or other letters, but I do recall writing "longer letter later" quite a bit (even if it already was a "long letter"...if you have ever seen any of the notes/letters I have written you would know...or, you should be able to tell by how I tend to ramble when writing blog posts!)

I do need to journal about the meltdown I had yesterday because, although I feel MUCH better today, I am sure there is more that needs to be "let out" in order for me to move forward.

However, I had a good day, I had a fun night, and I really do not feel like dealing with my issues right now...

If it didn't require a couple steps, I would have posted a picture of me with my gigantic beer I drank this evening (it was some kind of blueberry beer...yum!). Instead, I will just say that I got my pupils dilated this morning which made for a pretty crazy couple of hours. I started taking antibiotics because my teeth have been bothering me (I cannot remember the last time I took an antibiotic!) I finished "taping" the kitchen in preparation to paint. Again I tried to mow the lawn, but apparently my mower is broken (so, I think I will be paying some kids to mow this weekend since I work and my grass is already pretty tall!). I forgot how long painting takes and was only able to do the initial brush work of the first coat. I guess I will try and get the rest of the first coat done when I get off work tomorrow. I think it will look nice (I was pretty impressed with myself that I poured some paint into an old Cool Whip container and it was EXACTLY the amount I needed for this first round of painting!)

I went to dinner with my friend from Curves (who no longer works at Curves). Then we went to the "world premier" of an independent film that was shot here. It actually was kind of a long and boring movie...however, I was an "extra" and was interested to see if "my part" made the final cut. Well, you couldn't see my face, but that definitely was my rear end pushing in the crash cart (I played a nurse...go figure!). The actual actress nurse used my stethoscope and wore my name tag which was pretty awesome :o) It was fun seeing everyone, but I didn't stick around to talk to anyone (I did wave at one of the main actresses and she seemed to recognize me which was cool!)

Alright...so much for "longer letter later"...this ended up being pretty long (what can I say...I know how to "ramble"!)
Good night.

Flashback Friday: First Day of School

So, this is a much easier post than the one I was planning on/maybe should have posted. Sorry, Ginger, ignoring is a nice little coping mechanism for me...

Kids everywhere are going back to school. Laurie and Kristy's sons just started Kindergarten. Ginger's daughter started first grade. So, I thought it"fitting" (and a lot more fun) to see if I could find pictures of MY first days of school. Lucky for me, my aunt made me a little scrapbook for my high school graduation. Unfortunately, there weren't NEARLY as many pictures of me in my uniform as you would think considering I spent much of my time in school uniforms. So, this is what I found and it will have to do.

Starting at top left is me on my first day of Kindergarten. Apparently, we didn't have to wear uniforms that day. The top middle is my first day of first grade...you can see why I didn't start kindergarten until I was nearly six...I am STILL way shorter than everyone else! The third picture on the top is my sixth birthday which I thought was cute...looks like it was a My Little Pony cake.

Continuing clockwise is my first day of third grade. Third grade was when we got to move to "the big school" (my school had two buildings and the "big" one was 3rd-8th grades). While it appears that my shoes and jacket in the final picture are similar, they don't look exactly the same...so, that could be another third grade picture, but possibly fourth grade too, since we didn't change to the new uniforms until I was in fifth grade.

I really wanted to find a picture of me in the new uniforms because, at first glance, Ginger's daughter's uniform looked similar. But, I didn't have any luck there. So, the picture on the left is me near the end of seventh grade, but you can't really see the uniform. The middle photo is my first day of high school...y'all can think I'm brave for posting that God-awful picture, but it is what it is. And, my sister would most likely kill me if she saw that I posted that picture of her on one of her first days of seventh grade. However, I thought you could see the uniform a little better in that picture (sorry sis!) The little girl in the picture is my little cousin who is still short, but now in college. And, I'm pretty sure that boy will graduate from college in the next year or two...boy am I getting old!

Last weekend at my family reunion, we were talking about one of my cousins who started college this week. Apparently, she cried her first night there. (Aww, I should have scanned a picture of my first day of college...but, I have had enough fighting with my scanner for one night!) Another cousin mentioned that she, too, cried in the dorms early in her college career. I don't remember being upset in the beginning, but there were quite a number of OTHER things that caused me to cry that first semester! I'd have to ask my mom, but I don't remember if I was upset my first day of kindergarten. I only went in the mornings since my school did not yet offer full day kindergarten (I'm not sure if they do now or not!)

In first grade, I walked to school with an 8th grader and a couple other kids. The funny thing is that I walked from a house two houses away from where I live now and I can't imagine walking to my school now...it seems REALLY far away to these lazy legs!

During the January of first grade, my parents moved to where they live now. So, from then until my neighbors moved when I was in fifth grade, my sister and I walked with the neighbor kids to school (that is a lot closer!). Then, after they moved, my sister and I, whether separate, with other friends, or alone, walked the 2-3 blocks up the hill until we graduated high school.

Ahh, flashback to school...it seems like life was so much simpler then, even though I am sure there were struggles that seemed monumental at the time!
______________________
Well, it is after 1:00 and I did work all day long! I actually had/got to be the charge nurse today...I couldn't have asked for an easier day. Good thing, though, because things seemed to go haywire once I got home...not exactly "bad" haywire, but it definitely included a non-functioning lawnmower and a bit of an emotional breakdown. It is late and I wanted to finish getting the kitchen ready to paint, but I guess since I got most of that done today, I should still have time to get a coat of paint on tomorrow.

Good night.

It's Going Around

Pregnancy...and babies...that is. I did hear that there is a "mini baby boom", and maybe it is my age or that I am "in tune" with it, but I swear, they are everywhere! And, while I hate to admit it, this is becoming harder to see. Okay, so I am fully aware that the "natural course" is that one is to "date", fall in love, get married, get pregnant, and have a baby. So, it isn't like my "natural course" has been affected by infertility, miscarriage, still birth, infant loss, etc. which obviously would be MUCH worse than where I am, and yet I am still "having issues".

My sister is 23 months younger than me. She is the first "baby" I cared for and I have not stopped. There is the story of me changing my cousin's stinky diaper when the baby-sitter wouldn't when I was about seven. I started "formally" baby-sitting when I was eleven and cared for a 2-month-old and her three siblings. In high school I worked at a day care for children with special needs. In college I helped at a MOPS group, continued to baby-sit, and thought pediatric nursing was what I was called to do. Seven years into being a pediatric nurse and I know that to be true.

I was mom to many dolls. My first favorites were named Carrie and Laura a la Little House on the Prairie. Later, I turned to family names, naming one after my grandma and another after my aunt who is a PICU nurse. I played with them, and with Barbies, way past the time when it was "cool" to do so.

Never could I have imagined being two months from thirty and not ever being called "mom".

That is so weird...but, then again, being "mom" before the rest of the "natural course" definitely has challenges of its own. I know this. And, it does help, but it is still hard.

I know that my love of caring for kids (and, I like to think that it is a "talent" as well) is being used every time I go to work, every time I see my nephew, every time I see my friends' kids, every time I run into kids at the grocery store, church, the mall... But, it isn't really the same.

I suppose an "easy" fix is to start watching what I eat (and MAYBE even do some crunches) so that when I look at myself in the mirror I don't wish my "beer belly" was a "baby bump" (or there was the excuse of a previously had baby to explain my "shape") . And, I suppose thinking of baby names is pretty harmless. And, maybe my thoughts of how I could make a "gender neutral" nursery in white, black, and red will be pushed aside once I start painting my kitchen and living room.

I know there is more to this "going around" than drinking the water...but, I'm kind of thinking it would be kind of nice if all I had to do was find that water...

I've been off since Friday and don't have that much to show in terms of productivity. So, maybe I should clear some clutter and then start preparing my kitchen for painting...

Hmm, this kind of sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself...so, I think I should say that most days I really AM happy with the way things in my life have enfolded thus far. While it isn't exactly the way I would have written my story, I think I would have missed out on some wonderful experiences if things had been different. That being said, I really do wish I could skip that whole dating part of my "natural course" seeing as I am obviously not very good at that...

I usually end with "good night", but since it is still light outside, I will end with "good day"...

601

So, I had to write a 601st post so it didn't look like I was going to keep my 600th post up until I received my sixth comment... That post was up for way longer than I intended, but I have been very busy! I worked Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Then, I went to my mom's home town for a family gathering. It was with my mom's dad's side of the family and there was a really good turnout. My sister and brother-in-law did "ok" with having my nephew there. Better than expected, actually, if I am honest, so will leave it at that :o) (only a "little" bit of "freaking out"!)

Today was another busy day, but maybe (hopefully!) I will get back into the blog writing thing again soon.

So, a couple of pictures from the weekend...and good night!

Sporting his new sunglasses.

My Grandpa and his sisters (they are seated in "age order").
His older brother passed away and his older sister is 88!
Aren't they adorable?!

My mom's oldest cousin/the oldest grandchild.
I am the oldest grandchild in my family, so thought we needed a picture.

Having fun at the reunion :o)

Two months old...he definitely was not smiling this afternoon
after his 2 month shots...poor baby!

Night!

Six Zero Zero

My six hundredth post has finally arrived! I started getting this ready back on July 29, so I DEFINITELY have been in a blogging drought for it to take this long to get to 600! I had a little meltdown yesterday, but feel much better. I added a little bit to my blog, including countdowns to two of my fall vacations. My softball team won our sixth game in a row and beat the first place team by scoring 5 runs in the bottom of the last inning. I think we will be talking about that game all winter. It was absolutely amazing and SO much FUN! (Even though my chin hurts like the dickens after I got hit with a pitch that took a bad bounce in the first inning.) I started the next book for my "book club" which seems like it will be really good. Work was really slow today which was nice. I also purchased a used copy of this book so maybe I can participate in that discussion as well. I guess my "dating book" is once again on hold for now. Well, now you are "all caught up" (sort of) in the goings on, I wanted to take a little look back at the past 599 blog posts...

My very first post was on May 22, 2007. I think my first five posts could fit in the space of my last post. I first addressed the meaning behind "Just Me" in my fourteenth post, and I do believe that I have remained true to my word. I enjoyed scanning the posts in my first 100. Even then I blogged about a wide range of topics from family and friends to work to REALLY random. From happy and sad to silly and serious. It ran the gamut and I ended 2007 with my 100th post that included pictures from the previous year.

The next 100 posts only took four months (it took over seven months for the first 100!). I blogged nearly every day that January that seemed to be filled with reflections, perspectives, and memories. I blogged from California in February, and got my first "regular reader" (at least the first one that I new about!). I also met "the baby" and his mom (reading my post from the first day I met them still kind of gives me chills because only God knew what kind of relationship was going to come from that meeting). That was the first time of what ended up being THREE times that my computer failed me and I lost all my data. I also took my foster parent classes during that time. I actually MISSED my 200th post, but wrote about it here (I think it was 202 if I counted correctly!). Um, yeah, that day I "ran into" a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Photographer who was on her way to take pictures by herself for the first time. I never could have imagined that just over a year from then I would be in Chicago with a friend who is a NILMDTS photographer.

Again, the next 100 took me through four months. I bought a stroller and a car seat. I painted my basement and turned it into a playroom, thinking it could possibly be getting ready for my first foster child. Well, the room has yet to be used for that, but I am trying to be content knowing that it will be not on "my" time that a little one comes to reside in this house. I celebrated my "one year of blogging". There were more happy times, and sad times and I continued to learn more about how to have faith and love God even in the face of tremendous heartache and grief. I started talking to Kristy and shortly came to call her "friend". My "blog friend in DC" also found my blog around this time (I think!) :o) Again, I missed my 300th post while I was at my family reunion, but did catch it on my 301st!

Wow, I really packed quite a bit into 100 posts. These 100 had quite the ups and downs, but the most exciting part had to be my trip to California for my 29th birthday. If you haven't had a chance to watch my "birthday movie", I'm pretty proud of it (and sad that all those pictures I scanned were lost when my computer got wiped out in December). My 400th post was mid-November and I had just learned that Baby Hope was on the way (I only know that because in the post I mentioned Kristy's blog makeover :o) ). That post got three comments :o)

The next 100 took me through Thanksgiving, a post remembering Poppy Joy, and found out I was going to be an aunt. I did my one and only "Not Me Monday" which brought Aunt Nikki to my blog. Celebrating Asher's birthday brought Ginger into my life (definitely didn't imagine what THAT was going to do to it...ha ha!). I found out I was going to be an aunt to a nephew and actually didn't miss my 500th post.

And then, this most recent 100. I received my post with the most comments (4) when I was freaking out about this blog and privacy laws since often work is what is on my mind. I got "married" to a little patient. I still love to watch the video from my trip to Chicago. My nephew was born. I took my turn on the stage after being away for over 10 years. Again, lots of ups and downs (such is life, right?!), but overall, things are great here in my "neck of the woods". These 100 posts took me over six months, so I've either been slacking or been finding other things to do besides blog :o) I still find that blogging helps me sort through things, and I am so blessed by all the people I have met and friends I have gained during the past "27 months"/599 posts.

I enjoyed my little trip down memory lane. Hopefully the links aren't overwhelming, but I'm hoping this will make it easier for me to find those posts when I look for them the next time! While I blog "for myself" as an alternative to my former pen and paper diary, it is great when "my readers" help me put things into perspective, look at things a little differently, challenge me, encourage me, help me wipe the tears away, cheer for me, make me laugh...I could go on and on, but it's now after 11:00 and I work the next two days.

So...my original "idea" was that it would be cool to get six comments on this post to "break my record". After some additional reflecting, while I think that would be "cool", that isn't really what this blog is all about. Sure, if you've been wanting to leave a comment but haven't and want to make this the post you leave your comment on, that works for me! :o)

I work the next two days and then I am going out-of-town to my mom's home town. Her parents live in the middle of no where and the last time I was there I couldn't get cell phone service. So...my blogging drought may continue simply because I won't be near a computer!

SIX hundred...wow!
Good night.

Blogging Drought

So...it's August 16 and only my FIFTH post of the month. It's been nearly THREE weeks since I mentioned my 600th post was getting closer. I know I do not "have" to blog every day because I don't have a blog where people expect that. However, this is my "journal", or at least that is what it is "supposed" to be. And, I think I have been avoiding blogging because I have not wanted to put my thoughts down into words and there are other things I do not want to think about, not simply because I have been really busy...

I realize that this is basically "private", and I should be able to use it to sort things out/vent, but still find myself hesitant for some reason.

So, maybe I should get some of the big things out that have been weighing on my mind so maybe I will sleep "extra good" tonight :o)

My "date" from last Monday...I told myself over and over again that I was going to have fun with this "dating thing" and "live in the moment" and enjoy myself. Well, I DID have fun, but then the analyzing and "what ifs" took over. (I will leave it at that, because some of the analysis is too ridiculous to say after meeting twice...) I am trying to put myself back in check, but am finding it to be quite the struggle. Of course, I have not heard from him which sort of makes me chuckle because I HAVE been given the title "one date wonder"...

I love my family. Really, I do. I know how absolutely blessed I am to have the loving supportive family that I have, especially when I have friends who have reminded me that this really is something I should not take for granted. People told me that when my nephew was born that the "issues" I had with my younger sister being a wife and mother before me would, in a sense, "disappear". Oh how I would love to say that they have. But, now I also have to put a muzzle on myself before the thoughts of how I would do things differently/"better", or make different/"better" choices and give example after example of why things "should" be done a certain way. While I believe I have been helpful and supportive, I do feel guilty for all those non-so-supportive things I have to fight so hard to keep inside.

Next weekend, my mom's side of the family is getting together with my Grandpa's family. My grandparents live about 2 1/2 hours away from here. The reunion has been planned since late winter/early spring. My grandparents came down to see my nephew, but no one else has seen him. To be honest, I have almost been making myself sick thinking about what I will do IF my sister decides not to go. It really makes me ill because I know too much--because I have been shown how important each and every moment is, and how much of a blessing it is to have a healthy, happy baby. However, I am way too emotional about the topic to even begin to say something to my sister. I don't even know which way she is "leaning" and it is STILL upsetting me! Over-analyzing and getting worked up over "what-ifs" seems to be a common theme for this month! One of my cousins has tried to clue her into how important family is. My mom also said she would say something to her, as did one of my aunts.

Edited 8/17/09 @ 1145 PM to add: My cousin texted me this afternoon to let me know that my sister and her family will be joining the rest of the family at our reunion next weekend. So, as it turns out, I WAS "freaking out" over nothing. Tonight I watched "He's Just Not That Into You" since I got a couple free movie coupons in the mail. (I watched "Doubt" on Saturday night.) Maybe not the most relaxing choices for movies, but they were free...
______________________
On a totally different note--(or, maybe NOT so different!) I took a Myers-Briggs quiz on facebook. It told me I was an "ENFJ" (Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging). The facebook description of that actually seemed to fit (you never know with those facebook quizzes!). However, it was suggested somewhere on there to search for a fuller description online. I found Portrait of an ENFJ on Google. I do actually think it has a pretty accurate description of "me"...(besides the organized part, although I "used" to be a lot more organized!) I am thinking that I have HAD to do a personality test at some point in my life, but this information really put some things into perspective for me.

Some "highlights":
"ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extroverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs. "

I am hoping people would agree that I, like other "ENFJ's"...
"ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals. (I DO try to make everyone feel comfortable and and try to pay extra attention, but it is interesting to me to have it in my "personality description".)

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship."

How can I NOT like this?!

"In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others."

Of course, I am thinking I should read the information about love/relationships too (http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFJ_rel.html) ;o) (And, I didn't post any of the "negatives" of being an "ENFJ"...ha ha!)

I am definitely thinking I will need to print all this "information" because it not only states the strengths, but also the weaknesses and how to work through them. This page is about "Personal Growth". I kinda love that it puts into words some of the things that I do, but didn't really know why or what to think of them. (Now, when people don't seem to understand me, I can just let them know I am an "ENFJ"...ha ha!)

"As an ENFJ, you have gifts that are specific to your personality type that aren't natural strengths for other types. By recognizing your special gifts and encouraging their growth and development, you will more readily see your place in the world, and be more content with your role.

Nearly all ENFJs will recognize the following characteristics in themselves. They should embrace and nourish these strengths:

· Making others feel valued and important

· Quickly seeing the positive and negative aspects of a human situation

· Expressing their feelings clearly

· Offering loyalty and commitment to partners, family and work mates

· Trying to always find the solution which works for everyone

· Encouraging humour and self expression in others

· Finding ways to help others fulfil their needs

· Affirming positive community values

· Naturally falling into leadership roles in their community

ENFJs who have developed their Introverted Intuition to the extent that they can see the possibilities within their perceptions will enjoy these very special gifts:

· Understanding and empathising with the feelings of others; realising “where they are coming from”.

· A talent for creative expression which can turn ordinary things and situations into something magical. (Maybe not!)

· An enhanced feeling of connection with and sensitivity to the world around them.

· The ability to see many facets of a problem and the many ways it might be resolved for the best.

· The ability to make creative and valuable use of time spent alone. (Maybe not this either!)

· Openness to the spiritual connections between all things

· They become increasingly creative, visionary and empathetic, and are therefore effective and kind managers of businesses, people, and various situations that life presents.
_________________
Well, maybe this is the end of the drought...or, maybe not...I guess time will tell! My next post will be my 600th one. Since I started this blog as my journal, I didn't know if anyone else would read it, and definitely didn't think I would get any comments! I did not set out to be a "popular" blog and am thankful that it has stayed that way. However, if you could humor me, I would like to be able to set a "record" on my 600th post. The most comments any of my posts has ever gotten is four. I was thinking it would be "pretty sweet" if my 600th post got "six" comments. (I understand this could be quite the challenge considering my "site meter" has captured less than 3 visitors a day for quite some time, but it seemed like an easy/fun thing to do for something so "monumental"!) Of course, I would definitely take more, but I'm also not going to beg for people to leave a comment because that would be silly, and totally NOT ENFJ (ha ha!)

I suppose it is time to go to bed...I need to be productive tomorrow. It rained yesterday, so I definitely need to mow. I am also scheduled to donate platelets and REALLY need to do something about the "filing system" that consists of papers spread out across the coffee table, two end tables, two chairs, a sectional, and the floor...and that is only the living room!

Good night!

Have to Have Friends

While the lyrics don't EXACTLY fit, that's the song that came to mind when I was thinking about what I would post about tonight.

Yesterday was a really fun day! I have been blessed with the most amazing friends and definitely realize that this is, indeed a "blessing". And, even more amazing is that many of these friends just kind of "showed up" at the most "random" (or, completely UN-random as it turns out) times. (Remember the friend I met on the beach when we were ten...yeah, like that!)

The day started off with an 8:30 meeting. Okay, not so much "fun", but in a meeting where my ideas and opinions are respected by people as high up as an "executive director", that is not too bad :o)

I had lunch with a friend who works in media relations. I think I first met her about three years ago and will NEVER forget that day! (I do not think she will either.) She was a new employee who was brought to a meeting I attended. She had recently left her job as a reporter at my favorite news station and, since this was before my blog-reading took over, I had spent lots of time reading about the people on the news. Even before she was introduced, I blurted out at least three (but hopefully less than ten!) "random facts" about her that I had seen on the web site/heard on the news. Seriously, totally NOT joking about this! And yet, "somehow" we became friends. There is a restaurant that is "our place" and we get together every couple of months, and always have a lot of fun. Yesterday was no exception. Our conversation ran the gamut from breastfeeding advice for my sister, her listening to my "rant" about the way they are doing things, discussions about patients/families, my "date", possible changes for her and her family, and even a discussion about faith. Too bad I won't be able to make it to the Life-a-Thon this year because I had fun with her the past two years.

After lunch, I checked with the girls to see if they wanted to go to the zoo. They decided to stay at home. So, I met up with my friend who is mom to "the baby" that likely needs a new name and her daughters and went with them. (Remember when I met her?! Yeah, really glad I blogged about that because it is really neat to read those words now, over sixteen months later.) I made a little collage of some of the fun we had :o)

Did you notice THIS picture?!

Would you believe that it is THIS kid?! (This picture was actually taken six weeks AFTER his transplant...more pics on this post.)

We had a great time, and were even able to visit some in between chasing kids and making sure there wasn't TOO much pestering of the sisters going on. I really am glad that I have "documentation" of that first meeting because, even then it felt like a "God thing", and it is awesome to look back and see what He has done.

I had to rush home after the zoo to get ready for my softball game. (As a side note, I ran into one of my parents' friends that we have known "forever" when I was at the restaurant, and other of their "forever friends" when I was at the zoo...my PARENTS have some awesome friends too!)

My softball team won our fifth game in a row and it was SO much fun! Most of the girls on the team I have known for a VERY long time which makes it even more fun.

After my game, I talked to a couple of my sweet friends I met through "blogging" (who woulda thought?! ha!) Yesterday was a tough day for them (and I'm thinking my other "blog friends" have been dealing with "issues" too...what's up with that?!)... Anyway, again I thought of a song. It is called "You're not alone". Not sure if it will "move" you the way it did me, but is definitely worth sharing. I searched to try and find a better video option, but hope this works. I have included the lyrics below in case you can't hear them (the song is also in my playlist if you can find it!)

Not sure if the video will work, but here are the lyrics:
You're Not Alone ~Meredith Andrews
I searched for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and though I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
singing

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
**sayin'

You're not alone
For I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one that's love you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear... Oh yeah
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one that's loved you all your life
All of your life

Today I went back to work after being off for three days. We had a pot luck so there was tons of yummy food :o) It was a good day, and I got to my mom and dad's in time to have dinner with them, the Japanese girls, and my parents' friends and their two daughters. Tomorrow, I think I have convinced my sister to bring my nephew shopping with me and the girls. It has not happened yet, so I'm not holding my breath, but I hope it works out because that would be fun.

Well, I've been "working" on this post for over two and a half hours and am not sure I put all the emotions/thoughts I am having into it. But, I DO know that I have amazing friends...and that they are huge blessings to me. My friends keep me grounded, they put things into perspective, make me think, challenge me, encourage me, listen to me, support me, and definitely put up with a lot of craziness! :o)

I'd better head to bed...with all the crazy thoughts running around in my head right now, I hope I don't have any crazy dreams! (Although, I would definitely take an "insightful" one...maybe one that fixes all my "issues"...ha ha...only in my dreams...hee hee!)

Good night.

Cultural Exchange

I know, I've been a TERRIBLE blogger! There has definitely been a lot going on, but for whatever reason have not really felt like blogging about it. This blog was set up to be my journal/diary so I probably SHOULD be "blogging", but it is what it is. I recently heard a really good speaker at my church. That brought about some good reflecting and perspectives.

My parents have two high school girls from Japan staying with them for the week. From what I have gathered, they are members of a church (this one actually) and got to come here because of something with their church. They also visited a couple other U.S. cities along with one teacher. Last night (well, Sunday night), my parents and I took them to a house where they had a service before we went to dinner (at a Chinese buffet...ha ha!). It was really interesting (and, if it wasn't after 1:00 in the morning, I probably would write about all the thoughts that swirled through my head relating the speaker to the service to other things I have heard and learned, but it IS after 1 in the morning, so will leave it as "interesting").

I tried to take a picture of the words to the prayer they sang. It didn't turn out very well, but you get the idea. We were able to follow somewhat, although the way they pronounce their vowels is slightly different than ours. There also was an altar set with some offerings, but I didn't catch what all was there. And, I didn't take a picture of that because it didn't really seem appropriate.



The girls don't really speak that great of English, but I don't know any Japanese, so I can't exactly "judge" (especially since they are just visiting!) I am sure they understand more than it seems, and harder to speak than it is to understand. I believe my family has hosted nearly a dozen Japanese students. Some for a day or two, others for a couple weeks during school breaks. A number of them were college girls, but the past few have been high schoolers from this same program.

Today was supposed to be my dad's day off, so he asked if I wanted to go with them to the zoo since I was off too. That sounded great to me! Then, he got called into work and my parents asked if I would give them something to do. Not exactly how I had planned my day, but I didn't think it would be very nice to leave them at my parents' house all day with nothing to do while I sat at home staring at my computer...

So, I did my normal morning workout and coffee, then picked them up to go downtown. My dad decided he would bring them to the zoo after he got off work, so I decided this would be fun. I hardly ever go downtown and today REALLY wondered why! I like to get all sad about not living near the ocean anymore so I can't go read by the water. Well, apparently downtown has quite a bit of water, some of it even pretty flowing water that definitely could work to sit by with a book! I definitely need to remember this and hang out down there some time.



Well, I best be heading to bed since "tomorrow" will be busy. I have a meeting in the morning, then meeting a friend for lunch. My friend with "the baby" (who may need a new name here since he is HUGE!) is in town this week and we are thinking about going to the zoo. If the girls are up to another zoo trip, they will be welcome to come with us. Then, I have my second-to-last softball game.

Oh, my "date"...almost forgot to mention that...ha ha! It was fun and he got my number, so hopefully there will be more "fun" to come. One day at a time...

Six Weeks

Not sure I should have mentioned that my 600th post was getting closer because it is taking FOREVER for me to get there now! And, the "Six Weeks" refers to the age of my nephew...although it almost feels like it has been that long since I blogged (it's ACTUALLY only been four days!)

I have no idea where the time has been going. I just finished my third day off in a row and, while I did get some laundry done, the rest of my house is as much as a disaster as it was on Monday when I finished my seemingly endless days of working (How's THAT for a run-on sentence?! ha ha!) Back to work tomorrow. And, I am working on Saturday too, but am pretty excited about that because someone switched with me and now I have Sunday off! Yay! :o)

So, my nephew is now 6 weeks old. If I had been thinking, I would have arranged the collage to be in chronological order, but you can still tell how much he has grown. The middle one where he is wearing "Daddy's Super Hero" was taken today :o)

As you know, I have been practicing my picture-taking skills these past six weeks and am pretty happy with these feet that I took last week. :o) That was one of the photo shoots I did with him in his "A" onesie I bought that is still too big, but fit a little bit better with his cute little cloth diaper :o)

Me and my "Proud Aunt" shirt (and him in his "A" onesie that is only a TINY bit feminine...it IS blue!) I'm thinking my brother-in-law will have a fit at how poorly I seem to be doing at supporting his head/neck. They both crack me up when they worry about the way I hold and carry him...if they only knew the obstacle courses I deal with at work! Of course, I suppose there is nothing "wrong" with being cautious, but it is still pretty funny. (And, I seriously think I look like a little kid in this picture...no wonder I get carded nearly every time I go to buy beer!)

Last night, my book club met to discuss this book. It was a REALLY fun time! There were only five of us. Three of them work the night shift, and the other will work nights once she is done with orientation, but she has been a tech on my floor for a while. So, I was the only "day-shifter" which was fine. As I mentioned, I wasn't sure about going since it brought about lots of feelings for me that I did not know if I would be willing to share. As it turned out, we had a very good discussion and they brought up things about the book that I didn't really think about as I was reading. We had a good time and they picked next month's book, but I haven't gone to get it yet. I actually JUST googled it so I could link to it and I'm not sure I will be able to relate as much to this one as the previous one, but I should try to read it (that is, AFTER I finish reading the one about dating...I think I need to read that one first!) I have read at least one of the author's other books and think I enjoyed it. :o) It is always fun to do something different.

Tonight, I went to dinner with my friend from Curves who no longer works at Curves. She is doing well at her new job and it was nice to catch up with her. I haven't been working out nearly as often since since quit and could definitely tell when I went to my favorite store to buy clothes today and had to get a size up...NOT cool at all (darn "Freshman Fifteen"...ha ha!)

Alright, time to get ready for bed.
Good night!

I didn't like beer

So, this is my blog and I probably don't need a "disclaimer", but I have been working every day since Wednesday (if you include my 745AM-600PM baby-sitting on Thursday) and work again tomorrow. This topic "came" to me in the midst of all this working and I couldn't resist letting at least a little bit of it come out.

I am fairly certain I never drank an entire alcoholic drink until the night I turned 21 at the bowling alley with my friends. I bought some kind of fruity drink at Midnight since I was the only one of my friends who was 21. I never drank in high school. That is the fact...not good, not bad, not right, not wrong, just the choice I made at that time of my life. One evening my first semester of college I think I took a sip of "Zima" or something and felt like a "rebel" or something like that (feel free to laugh because I am!...ha ha!) Even though my dad has 2-3 Budweisers a night, I decided I did NOT like beer. I thought it was disgusting. Sure, I'd have myself some fruity drinks...margaritas, daiquiris, hurricanes (super funny "had to be there" story of me at Razoo's enjoying a hurricane and crawfish etouffee when I was the only one of my friends who was 21), but been NO WAY! None of my friends were "partiers" and, since I'm thinking that infamous "Freshman Fifteen" was due, at least in PART, to partaking in the drinking of the beer, I managed to avoid that...

At some point, I fell in love with Woodchuck, which, is not EXACTLY beer. But, still, I maintained that I did NOT like beer. Eww, yuck, no way. Margaritas, Tequila Sunrises, White Zin, sure, beer no way.

Then, I want to say not more than a year-ish ago, for some reason I was "forced" to have a Bud Light and it was not that bad. Of course, I would not consider myself to be a SUPER picky person (others could disagree) so I maybe could have choked it down even if I DIDN'T like it. I did usually have trouble deciding on what to drink unless I was at a restaurant with "fun drinks" on the menu, so typically stuck to Diet Coke. And then, I discovered that Bud Light wasn't too bad and started ordering that. Now, I have gotten a little more "adventurous" with my beer drinking, but have not yet tried my best college friend's Corona with lime, or my best high school friend's Miller Lite, but, this summer, I HAVE tried some new things. Goose Island Summertime will always remind me of Ginger and Lauren :o) I am not sure how many six-packs of Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy I have bought this summer (I maybe have also purchased some Berry Weiss...). I just finished a "Honey Moon". I still enjoy me a Bud Light and LOVE me some Woodchuck, although it is typically more expensive than the others...there is a restaurant in town that has it on tap...YUM!

Whether it is sipping a beer with my dad, after the softball game, or at home on my couch, I have done WAY more of that this year than EVER before (maybe in ALL the previous "drinking years" combined!)

And, so, it seems that the "Freshman Fifteen" may indeed hit me on the cusp of "Turning Thirty". Something tells me that it is a LOT harder to get rid of that in your thirties than in your twenties...

Good thing there are people like this who appreciate the beer gut I seem to be sporting these days...I haven't taken the plunge to "Rock it" yet...ha ha.



Oh yes, I most definitely just wrote a post entirely about drinking beer and my developing beer gut...and am actually going to publish it... Oh my goodness...I think I may need a day off...I WOULD consider having another beer, but it is nearing Midnight and I have to take care of small children in the hospital for nearly 13 hours tomorrow.

Good night :o)