Who am I?

I was too tired to post last night, and am kind of too tired tonight, but need to at least make an attempt to "clear my mind". Yesterday, I had a meltdown in Fashion Bug of all places. There I was holding a bunch of shirts, cell phone in hand texting Stephanie with tears dripping down my face...lovely. I was texting her in a moment of frustration/annoyance with my family which somehow led to me being reminded of past hurt feelings...hence the crying at the clothing store.

Anyway, I suppose I should rewind a bit and explain...or continue to be "vague" and hope that somehow clears my mind...ha!

I guess what it boils down to is "Who am I to judge?", "Who am I to criticize?" To which the answer is something along the lines of "I'm not anyone."

At work, when my co-workers get frustrated with parents and the choices the make, the way they do things, I am among the first to put things into perspective. I remind them that NONE of us would want to be in the shoes of a parent with a chronically ill child (or any child in the hospital for that matter). And, just because one parent can do it all with a smile on their face and kindness in their voice doesn't mean others can. The truth is, that no one wears the same shoes, so really there cannot be any comparison. (I know that I get crabby when I am hungry or tired or things don't go the way I want them to, so I am pretty sure I would NOT make a very good parent of a child in the hospital...at least not without some attitude and other adjustments!)

Why, then, can I not give the same perspective, the same "I've never been in your shoes, so I really have no idea how I would handle things" when it comes to my sister/brother-in-law/nephew/mom? I mean, I know that parents only can do their best...what more can you do than your best, right?!...and more often than not, the children turn out okay. It shouldn't bother me that my mom goes and visits my sister nearly every day...and sometimes does their laundry/dishes when she is there. And, it shouldn't be annoying to me that I'm pretty sure my nephew has never been to the grocery store...

But, it WAS hurtful to think about the fact that those things are happening, but when I started the process to become a foster parent over two years ago (before I HAD a nephew even in "the making") there was a definite "vibe" that I would not be given any support or encouragement. My "foster parent deal" has been a really slow process due to some changes in the agency as well as me not being in a "rush". I figured that if God wanted a child to come into my home some time in the past two years, it would have happened and the process would have been done more quickly. Some of my reservations ARE due to the lack of support I feel from my family. Sure, I know there are lots of single parents out there with no support, but that does not seem ideal, or very much "fun"...and not really the way I want to do it.

After yesterday, though, I made sure that I hand-delivered the final piece of paper to my agency (my health history/physical that was done a month ago today!) so all the paperwork has been sent to the State. My background checks are done. I took my classes in April 2008. I think my home study was later that year (it has been a LONG process!). So, it shouldn't be that much longer until I actually have a license. Now, what I end up doing with that license remains to be seen. I could do emergency placement. I could do respite care. I could do nothing. I could just have the license and renew it again in two years without ever having a child in my home. I have no idea. I don't really have any "expectations" or "plans"...

I did ask my mom if she could get my pack and play back from my sister...even though my nephew slept in it for the first time this past weekend. When I asked her, I mentioned that I needed it back since I should have my foster parent license soon. I wasn't surprised that I barely got a response, but it is what it is...what is to be, will be...

I would post pictures from the Fiesta Bowl watching party I had with my dad, but it wasn't as much fun since my team lost. I bought lots of Tostitos and we had purple Christmas lights. The shirts I bought for myself and my dad didn't arrive at my house until after I had already gone over to my parents' house even though I bought them a week ago and paid for 3-day shipping...needless to say, I was pretty upset about that...and now I have a shirt to remember the Bowl game that we lost.

I went to Curves for the first time in over a month (I have now been four times since the beginning of October...that is not good!) I need to go back tomorrow and get back on track. Even though I have lost some pounds/inches, it was not in a healthy way. When it is this cold and snowy, I just want to stay inside and sleep (or sit on the couch and do nothing). But, hopefully I can get back on a workout schedule that will give me more energy/something to do. it's just after 1:00, so I'd better get some sleep.

Good night.