Feeling Guilty

Through my twinges of jealousy, my short periods of "woe is me", my thoughts of "what if", I NEVER imagined this...I DIDN'T ask for this...and yet, I am still feeling guilty...

This morning, I had coffee and breakfast with a great friend of mine. She is often the first one I go to when I need someone to put me in my place :o) I became friends with her when I baby-sat her kids (who are now 17 and 13--wow!) We don't get together that often, but when we do, I always leave feeling much better and so grateful that God has given me such a special friend (and a friendship that has lasted this long!) This morning was no different and it felt great to talk about some of the not-so-good feelings I had been having but also discuss things I have done so far to work through them. Everything is going to be okay :o)

After church, I stopped by my mom and dad's which is pretty much what I do every Sunday I am off (they go to an earlier service). As I sat sipping tea and eating oatmeal (my mom makes the best!), my mom gave me some surprising news...

My brother-in-law's sister (or, my sister's sister-in-law, however you'd like to say it!) who is highly irresponsible and one of the most selfish people I have ever met apparently announced that she, too, is pregnant...and due a couple weeks before my sister. From what my mom said, she "kind of" knows the dad and is planning to "make it work". Of course, you have to pray for her and for that baby, but I feel SO badly for my sister and brother-in-law. Talk about raining on some one's parade (and I'm guessing those kinds of thoughts didn't cross her mind)...I never saw that coming, and I definitely never wished for anything to capsize their happiness, but I do feel guilty for any thoughts that were less than joyous. In the "natural order" of things, they should have given both sets of parents the first grandchild and it was going to be a monumental occasion (I should know, seeing as I AM the first grandchild!) Their news was quickly overshadowed due to the careless actions of someone who likely doesn't care (okay, so that is kind of harsh, but I am really very sad for them)...

Updated 9:15 PM...I had dinner with my parents, and apparently my sister's sister-in-law is actually due two weeks AFTER my sister which makes things a LITTLE easier to handle...I guess. I suppose there is nothing to say that God won't bless me with a foster child in the next seven months, so in all fairness, I suppose I could potentially become "the spoiler"...I'm trying not to "go there", but trusting that He knows what He is doing...and already has things all planned out...
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A different kind of "feeling guilty" part of today actually came in between church and receiving "the news". Feeling guilty because it took me so long to have a conversation that has been over a year in the making! I suppose there was no time like the present and I'm SO glad that today was the day :o)

I have been going to the same church since I was about five years old. My parents have been living in their current house since I was seven. So, I know LOTS of people in the church and in the neighborhood. That is how I met my friend I had coffee with this morning even though she has since moved to a different neighborhood and church. I am still friends with many of the moms whose kids I baby-sat, which sounds a little crazy, but I really enjoy talking to them and they have watched me grow up just as I have seen their kids get older (and taller than me!)

Anyway, I remember one of the couples had a baby girl that died. When she died, I remember the mom telling me that she had Trisomy something or other and that they had named her Anne Marie. That was "a long time ago", but after I started reading blogs about babies with Trisomy 18, I got to wondering about that little girl. Probably for a year now, I had been trying to find the right moment to ask her. I would run into her at the grocery store or a basketball game. I would see her at church or other activities, but never wanted to, in a sense "corner her" when there were lots of other people around...not wanting to make her uncomfortable if it ended up being an emotional conversation...

This morning, though, I pretty much caught her alone after church (although we did get interrupted a couple times, but fortunately they didn't create too big of road blocks for me!) I told her I had a question I'd been wanting to ask her for a long time. I could tell she was a little surprised that I remembered, but Anne Marie did indeed have Trisomy 18 and she died October 13, 1995. I was a sophomore in high school. I said to her that she had told me that if Anne Marie hadn't died, she probably wouldn't have her little boy. She said "I wish I could have both..." I let her know that I have always remembered her little girl (and she said some things to me that of course made me cry just like I am crying right now!)

One year, four years, thirteen years or more...the grief remains, and I was reminded again today how much it means when someone remembers. So, as "guilty" as I feel for waiting so long, I am glad today was the day...and now she knows that at least one person has not forgotten.
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Typically, I write my posts at night and so I say "good night"...well, I'm feeling like a little bit of a nap, so maybe I'll stick with my usual closing and say "good night" :o)