Two Nights

The teen is staying here for the second night in a row. I was gone most of the time she was here today since I had meetings, but we did get to have dinner together.

Yesterday, I was supposed to work, but got the day off since our census was low. So, I called her mom to see if I could pick her up from school. She was sweet as honey to me which is quite the contrast from the woman who threatened me with a restraining order less than 2 weeks ago. (I really can understand her being upset about that whole thing, but she did blow it way out of proportion.) She said that would be fine and suggested maybe the teen even stay over night. Seriously?! Totally fine with me, and of course the teen was okay with it. She also said that the little one really misses me and talks about me all the time, so she asked if I could come get her for the rest of the afternoon. I actually planned on getting some stuff done before getting the teen, so I took a "rain check"...saying no was hard, but I can't get into the habit of dropping everything for her.

The teen's phone she was using was out of texts and she broke the other phone during an argument with her mom. She takes the bus to school and walks quite a distance and her mom stated that she was really worried about her daughter getting to school, especially without a working cell. After a quick "twitter poll", I got the "ok" to offer replacing the phone/adding texts if it was for a safety reason and okay with mom.

So, I got the teen a new phone (and reactivated it which was a nice hidden fee they neglected to mention, but it was worth it for her safety, her mom's sanity, and for us to be able to communicate) and then took her to her house to get her stuff to stay the night. Her mom was just "chilling" on the couch and said she was home alone since all the other kids were at the neighbor's house. She said they go there all the time...why am I not surprised? I listened to her go on and on about her money and other troubles while the teen gathered her stuff. She really does seem to be in a bit of a financial pickle and I do feel kind of sorry for her, but making good choices just isn't her thing I guess.

The teen and I visited for quite a while before watching some TV. My heart breaks at the way she says her mom talks to her and I wish there was more I could do besides listen and support her, but I suppose that's really what she needs anyway :) I still have a hard time knowing if this is a "teenage thing" or if she really should try to get out of there. I do keep reminding her that her mom loves her and is doing her best, although sometimes it is harder to say than others. I don't think I am handling things perfectly well, but I'm trying my best and that's what matters.

I told her she needs to go back home eventually (tomorrow) and to keep focusing on her studies and trying to keep the peace with her mom so we can keep talking to each other :)

It's back to work for me tomorrow and I may try to catch her before she goes to bed.
Good night.

Zoo Trip

I got an unexpected day off work (I was either going to be "on call" or choose to be off and seeing as one patient's mom requested me not be her child's nurse and my other patient got sick and went to the ICU overnight, I figured it was a good day to take off).

So, I made the most of it (which I admit I don't always do!)

My sister is trying to get her baby to come out, so has been walking and walking. It was nice, so she picked me up and we went to the Zoo. Here are some fun pictures from our trip:

 Chasing a Meerkat

 Eating a peanut butter sandwich

 Driving a truck

Our dad delivers mail Downtown and the zoo isn't too far from there. So, we met up with him for lunch which was an added bonus.

The teen is here staying the night. That is a post all of it's own, but I'm so thankful she is here.

Today was a great day off :) I'm off tomorrow too, but have two meetings and two appointments (otherwise I think the teen would come by after school and stay another night).

Good night.

Two Weeks

It definitely doesn't feel like it has been two weeks since the "drama". I think it feels like much longer...and the days likely would have seemed even LONGER had I not been able to talk to the teen again five days ago.

I'm still not quite sure what to make of all that "went down". It came out of no where and then kind of "went away" just as quickly...and I know it could come back just as fast.

I tried calling her mom on Thursday night, but it went straight to voice mail. I left a message saying I wanted to make sure she was okay. That was true, but I also wanted to know when/if she was leaving town to visit her mom (and what she decided to do with her dependent children during that time). She ended up texting me last night to tell me she couldn't get the money to go. It makes me sad that her first thought was to go to her mom when she is the sole parent for multiple dependent children. It wasn't the fact that she had kids to care for that make it so she couldn't leave, it was because no one could give her money to go. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes having to "pick" between a sick parent and your kids, but I do know there are just some things you can't do when you have parenting responsibilities of your own.

So, since she isn't leaving town, the teen won't be staying here while she is gone (she stayed with me in November when her mom was gone for a week). That means I'll have to do other things to check in with the teen on how things are progressing at home.

I texted her on Thursday night after I couldn't reach her mom and she didn't answer, so that was a little bit stressful. She finally texted me yesterday morning to say they were off school yesterday. I texted her during my lunch break to see how things were going. She said she took 3 tests on Thursday and was hopeful that maybe she would be able to get some of her D's and F's to C's. I feel like our conversation on Tuesday was really helpful when she texted me this (edited for clarity...darn texting messing up our grammar and spelling!) "I just got the attitude now that while things at home may not be the best, I'm going to try and do good in school. I can't control how my mom feels, but I can control my grades. So, I'm trying to get back on track and do what I can. I'm really starting to put study hall to use so I won't have as much work at home." I'm so proud of her! I do wish she would have come to me before things got this bad out of hand with her grades, but it is what it is and now she is getting the help she needs (I hope!)

I texted her today to let her know I was off and she could come here to study if she wanted. She said she didn't have anything to study (hard to believe except she DID have 3 tests on Thursday and no school yesterday). However, she said I could talk to her mom about picking her up after school this Thursday (my only day off since I am not working next weekend and have meetings/appointments all day Tuesday).

As much as I'd love to "rescue" her, I need to remember that reunification means that her family is all together. So, if they are "safe", I (probably) should encourage her to make it work. She always maintained that she wanted to go home and if I can continue to help make that successful, that is what I need to do (even though it is really hard). Of course, if she decides that she really cannot live in that environment, I will support her and help her with what needs to happen to get her where she wants to be.

Today was my only day off in a stretch of 5 days (two on, one off, two on). So, I didn't set an alarm and didn't get up until the phone rang at 10...second time this week I did that! I wasn't really productive today, but oh well. I did go to lunch with my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew. My sister is 37 1/2 weeks and was doing "everything" she could to have the baby today, but it didn't work ;) He could come any day now, though, and that will be so fun!

Good night.

Not What I Thought

So, after my morning surprise, I was really looking forward to talking to the teen. I tried to prepare myself the best I could, even though I had no idea what to expect. I thought about my approach to be the "grown up" and tell her that I was basically "on her mom's side" it will take some time to rebuild the trust, even though I love her.

And then, I actually got to talk to her and it was not at all what I thought.

Pretty much everything her mom told me she did was a lie.

I sat on the couch next to her as she quickly wiped away the tears that would not stop falling. This is not a teenager who is trying to run away from her problems. This is not a teen who wants to come live with me because I'll let her do whatever she wants (which I wouldn't ;) ). When I asked her why she wanted to live here with me, she said it was because she felt more supported here. I reminded her that my love and support is there in her heart even when I'm here.

She said that her mom stresses her out so much that she doesn't eat lunch. The stuff that she told me her mom says to her is borderline emotional abuse ("everyone" believes her mom is narcissistic, so this isn't at all surprising). It was so hard to sit here and listen to her story because it was not at all how I had prepared...and this issue is so much bigger than me.

She said that she has thought about it for a long time, talked to her friends, talked to her advisor, and talked to the principal. I let her know that I'm not sure if anything can be done (and if it can, it won't happen quickly), so tried to get her to think about what she can do "in the mean time" to stay focused on her goals. I asked her what I could do to support her...if coming here once or twice a week to study would help (if her mom was agreeable, which she didn't think she would be) or how much "Amanda time" she feels she needs.

I reminded her that if she takes this to the point of trying to make a legal move to my house that is not 100% supported by her mom (even if it is "supported" by her mom), she is risking losing her family. I told her that as miserable as her mom is making her feel now, it could get worse for her.

I have no idea what is going to happen. I haven't really thought about what it would mean for ME to have her move back in here permanently. What I do know is this is bigger than what I can handle myself. So, I called the on-call caseworker for my agency and she is going to try to see if it can be discussed at their staff meeting tomorrow to get more feedback. I also emailed the teen the information for the lawyer who was assigned to her when the case was active.

When I dropped her off, her mom told her to go clean the floors in the hallway and she was headed "out". I told her mom I'd call her after my meeting. I left her mom a message, but she didn't listen to it before she called me.

I was as pleasant as could be and for some reason she told me that she didn't want to know everything the teen told me because we should be able to have our own conversations (weird). She asked me why the teen lied to us. I said she didn't really say "why" she did, just that she apologized and I told her she can't do that to us, but we still love her (which is the truth...well, kind of because the teen didn't really lie in the way her mom said she did).

Her mom said she is leaving town as soon as she can scrounge up the money because her mom is sick. I asked her what she was going to do with the kids. She said family was going to help. I offered to help with the teen, but she said she didn't want to keep using me like that. I said it wouldn't be that big of a deal for me to help. Oh, and she mentioned that her aunt and uncle want to adopt the little one, but she said there is no way she is letting her family be broken apart. I suppose that could explain why she is on "high alert" these days...

So, again, we shall see...the drama/saga continues.

Morning Surprise

The girls' mom called me shortly before 9:00 this morning. She started off asking me if I had a copy of the teen's birth certificate which I don't. We gradually moved to a conversation about the teen and she told me that I could text her (on her new temporary phone) and let her know I can pick her up from school so we can talk. Wow. I totally didn't see that coming, but I was definitely praying for it! Yesterday was a hard day. I couldn't see an end to this in sight and I only had to "sleep on it" one more night.

Choosing to trust...yep, I'll keep on doing that...even when it's hard.

Now, hopefully the teen will talk to me now that we have a chance.

Let 'em Fall

I'm not sure if it's the fact that I've been living this "nightmare" for 10 days or because it is "that time of the month" or a combination of those and other things, but today I could no longer hold back the tears.

Up until this point, I have been able to (mostly) hold myself together, but today I just had to let them fall. Usually, crying comes easy to me, so I'm not sure why I tried so hard to keep them away this time. Maybe I was hopeful that things would be "better" by now, but honestly I feel worse and can't even see "better" happening.

I guess this is when I need to bring in my "choose to trust"...I suppose I knew that "choosing" would come with it's challenges, but I obviously didn't expect this...trusting is hard...

I feel so out of control in this situation and have no idea what to do from here. I mean, how many times can I call her mom and "beg" her to change her mind about letting me talk to the teen (and about the restraining order)?! She is not rational and it almost upsets me more to talk to her because I can't really say what I want to say to her (since I need her to believe I'm "on her side"...which, I guess for the most part I am, except for the poor handling of a teenage mistake).

My eyes well up with tears when I think about how much I miss the teen. Thinking back to the fall when the girls went home, the first 11 days were the toughest. The not knowing was so hard. It feels even harder this time, though, since it isn't wondering if/when the teen will contact me, it's knowing that she wants to but she can't.

I feel like I have abandoned her, even though I know it is out of my control. I know that her mom turned her against her first foster mom by telling her she was "unwanted" and I have no control over what things are being said about me now. All I can do is pray that she continues to feel my love in her heart and know that I will never stop loving her, even though I am not happy with the choices she made. I want her to know that it is SO hard not to send her instant messages when I see her online. I want her to know that it has taken great restraint for me not to call everyone I know who knows her too and have them remind her that I love her.

I also went back and read the note she gave me that reminds me that she loves me too...and will never forget our time together.

Dear Amanda,
Thank you for all that you have done for me and my sister. We made many great memories, did lots of things together. The time that I spent in your house and at (her high school) has made me a better person. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. God may put us through hardships in our life, but we just have to make the best. God never will give you more than you can handle. Although not being with my mom, I was still able to be happy because I was surrounded by good people. As I look back now at all the time that we spent together, I see all the good memories we had. While your house was only a temporary home, it felt like a real one (Temporary Home-Carrie Underwood). Even though I still have a very long journey ahead, I feel that I will be successful. When I graduate from (her high school) and go to college, I will look back and remember you. You helped make it possible for me to get to that point. All the long nights of helping me study, writing outlines, projects, and writing songs will help me get to that point of life. Thank you for all that you have helped me with. When it comes time for me to graduate, I'll be sure that I send you an invitation to my graduation. I'm sure my sister feels the same way about you and all you have done for us.
Love Always, M & L


Good night.

The Tough Stuff

I have completed my second of three shifts in a row. I "never" work three days in a row (that is nearly 39 hours in three days...just sayin'). However, I think it is coming at a good time seeing as it is one week after the life that I knew changed in an instant. Not only that, but I was blessed with AMAZING patients/families making it worth the long days (and super busy ones...our floor is HOPPING!)

I admitted a patient at 6:15 last night which is (nearly) the worst possible time. By that point you are tired and just want to go home (we start giving report around 7:00 with the intention to be off at 7:30, but that often doesn't happen). So, sometimes it is hard to be welcoming and patient after you have been working for over 11 hours, but you do your best. Yesterday, though, I introduced myself to the young teenage boy who was being rolled into the room after surgery. I said "Hi, I'm Amanda, I'm going to be your nurse". Now, to be fair, he had gotten some good drugs, but he said "That's awesome!" His adorable grandparents (both sets) were there as were his parents. His parents said "we are SO happy to be here!" Seriously?! Who ARE you people?! But, THANK you for being here too because this is exactly what I needed (because, seriously, getting a new patient at 6:15 SUCKS...just sayin')

My other patients were nice with grateful parents too which does make all the difference in the world. Of course, it was heartbreaking dealing with the other young teenage boy who intentionally overdosed who was treating his mom like crap and she left in tears. I don't know a lot about mental illness, but this child is definitely ill and I hope he is able to get the help he needs. He was much nicer to her today, but that is tough stuff. However, I am grateful to have been given these moments to spend with him and his family as they deal with this (as well as my other patients/families).

Anyway, that wasn't going to be the point of this post. However, those moments are helping to distract me from the "drama" in my personal life.

I miss her, though. It makes my eyes well up with tears just thinking about it.

I check my phone and my email all the time thinking there may be some "randomness" from her...and then remember that there won't be (CAN'T be) anything from her. I have caught myself wanting to send her "little tidbits" too, especially about some of the "newsworthy" stuff that has been going on at my "Alma Maters".

I'm sad that I can't get closure/start to forgive because I don't REALLY know what happened. Sure, I know her mom's side of the story. I imagine I am in a state of denial, but I typically only believe half of what her mom tells me. So, it is tough to know what really happened without hearing from the teen herself. I am not sure when/if that will happen.

I know her mom is angry and hurting, but I feel like she is being selfish not allowing me to talk to her daughter. Granted, "selfish" is something I am used to dealing with when it comes to her, but this time it really affects me. I don't think cutting off someone she loves and trusts is the best way to deal with her. I know you need to set limits/boundaries, but there are a lot worse things she could do than talk to me (in my opinion) and her mom would have little/no control of that.

It is hard to focus on all the fun memories we have rather than think about all the things we (maybe) won't be able to do. The movies I'd like to see with her, the baseball cames I'd like to take her to, the college fair we made plans to attend, the ABC Family shows I'd like to discuss with her...

So, this is "the tough stuff", but I am choosing to be grateful for "the good stuff" too.

Trying to Work Things Out

I just got off the phone with the teen's mom after talking to her for over half an hour. I am hurt and disgusted by the things she shared with me that the teen was hiding from both of us. It is disappointing that I had so much trust in her and she completely took advantage of that. I am shaking and trying hard not to cry (of course it doesn't help that her mom mentioned "restraining order"...I tried very hard to talk her down from that, but time will tell). I tried to get her mom to see that I'm "on her side" and that both of us were deceived. I admitted to making mistakes, but reminded her that neither of us expected this from her, so we are both kind of "at fault" (if there is "fault" in being naive/trusting). The teen won't talk to her, but she did send an email to my caseworker telling her she wants to live with me...um, not with this kind of behavior...I love you, but you cannot run away from your troubles.

One super annoying thing about the conversation is she brought up the ONE time in 16 months that the girls lived her that I got drunk. It was on a weekend and the little one wasn't here, but the teen stayed here sick. Why she chose to tell her mom about that "incident" is beyond me, but she did and her mom chose to inform me during this conversation that she "chose" not to share that information with anyone else. Excuse me...I wasn't driving and I wasn't responsible for a small child (and I know there are people who get drunk at home occasionally when they DO have kids and last I checked, that wasn't illegal...although probably not the best decision).

Anyway, she has a right to be angry from the things she told me were in those text messages. To be honest, I am too much in shock to feel anything else at this point. I can't believe that the teen thought that I would be "okay" with all of this to the point of saying that she would rather live with me. However, taking it to the school (and his school) and taking out a restraining order against me is "a bit" irrational. I hope she believed what I was telling her, but I can imagine that will be hard for her since she doesn't "know" me. I suggested that the two of us talk to the teen together and let her know together that this was "not right". I'm not sure when/if that will happen, but I think my biggest concern right now is the potential of a restraining order. I really don't want to deal with the ramifications of that considering I am a professional who works with children for a living (and still want to be able to have foster children).

Back to work tomorrow for 3 days. I'm pretty exhausted from the stress of this past week, but maybe work will be a good distraction.

Good night.

Manipulation

Up until today, my feelings about what happened with the teen have mostly been sadness/frustration that I can't talk to her to find out what happened. Today, though, I was given a different perspective by a co-worker who happens to have adopted four kids from foster care, at least three of which had drug/alcohol exposure. When I told her the story, she immediately said "wow, that teenager PLAYED you"...

I guess maybe I just didn't want to believe that the teen would do that to me/her mom, but in reality, that is how it appears. (Of course it would also be nice to hear what she was thinking in all this...but, she IS a teenager, so she maybe wasn't thinking at all, unfortunately.) She used my trust in her (and my love for her) to withhold information from her mom and that is not at all "cool" with me. My co-worker encouraged me to call her mom and apologize profusely and do what I can to convince her that I really am on her side in this. She had me put myself in her shoes and how scared her mom must be not knowing where her daughter was or who she was with when she thought she was with me. I agree that her mom has every right to be angry...I'd be concerned if she WASN'T angry. However, I don't think that being angry at me and "cutting me off" is the best way to handle it.

So, I called and left a message since she didn't answer. It was a long shaky-voiced message, but hopefully she believed my sincerity. I told her that I do not advocate for lying or sneaking around and really had no idea that was what was happening. She did not call me back, so I am going to try again tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'll do if/when she doesn't answer tomorrow, but I work the three days after that, so will at least wait those days and see what happens. I really don't think anything can be resolved unless we talk about what happened and where we go from here. Hopefully the two of them agree.

In the mean time, I am thankful for the amazing support I have (including my therapist who saw me tonight after I called her on Monday and said we really needed to talk).

Good night.

Happy Valentine's Day

While I am (very) sad that there will be no Valentine's wishes to/from the girls today, I did get to celebrate this "day of love" with my mom, sister, and nephew at lunch. I'm also going to go watch my dad's last basketball game tonight and hear that he, my mom, and I will be "hitting the bar" after that (hopefully they win!) I got pre-10 AM texts from both my mom and sister wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day and got a phone call from my foster mom friend. I made an appointment to see my therapist tomorrow night. So, it's a day to "choose love" and be thankful for all the love I am blessed with in this life.

I brought a "craft" for my nephew to do while we waited for our food. He did a good job and we had fun :) I hope your day is filled with people you love too...and also feeling the love in your heart of those who you are missing today.

Update: I got a message from the teen this afternoon (sent from her email account). She wrote "Well, I do know what my mom told you, but I just find it hard to tell you that and it not be in person" in response to her mom saying we cannot communicate and her telling me that she wants to live with me. All I could do was tell her that we aren't supposed to be talking and I could get in a lot of trouble if her mom is that upset and also suggest she talk to someone else like one of her teachers...and that I love her. I called my caseworker and she said there isn't anything else I can do, but continue to encourage her to talk to someone else and support her through this the best I can while respecting her mom's decision that we not communicate. This is so hard...and I know she is hurting too which makes it even worse.

This is Hard

This is very hard. I haven't really cried, but I'm sure the tears will come eventually (maybe my progesterone shots really are working...ha!) I have, however, been kind of "mopey" and not motivated to do much of anything. My house needs a lot of TLC, but it didn't get it today.

Watching the Gr@mmy's was hard. The girls and I went and saw Taylor Swift in concert together. We listened to one of Lady Antebellum's songs on repeat and I used some of the lyrics for her 16th birthday canvas. She told me this was the year of Adele. We would have laughed at the weirdo Nikki whatever together.

Today I saw they were doing a baseball interview with one of the college players from my Alma Mater on twitter. I knew she would have been "all over that" and likely would have informed me of it ahead of time (and given me the "highlights" later).

She was online in my y@hoo chat for a couple of hours today. It took everything I could not to send her a message...not even to tell her that she needs to talk to her teachers since she can't talk to me. I want to call her boyfriend...or her girlfriends...but I know I shouldn't/can't.

I just want to know what happened. I want to know how she is doing. I want her to be able to explain. I want to make sure she is okay.

I miss her.

But, at some encouragement from someone from work, I was told to "do something fun".  So, I went to the basketball game at my high school Alma Mater (where the teen goes, but she doesn't go to basketball games). A girl I baby-sat when she was a baby is a senior and on the dance team. Tonight was their last performance. I haven't gone to a lot of her performances, but brought her flowers every time. She likes that ;)

Now, I'm going to watch Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game, and Smash, and try not to get too sad. I bought Sweet Tarts at the store and have one Woodchuck left. Maybe I'll make some microwave popcorn even though I had nachos at the game. Things will be okay, I know they will be, but right now, it's just hard...

Documenting the Drama

Last night was the fundraiser at my high school Alma Mater that I look forward to every year. It was an Irish theme, so I wore a green jacket over my black dress with my newly colored RED hair. I wish I would have gotten at least one picture, but the night handed me drama that I was not at all prepared to handle. Thinking about the potential "legal" ramifications, I probably said a little too much, but I had at least three glasses of wine and it was so raw and fresh, I just had to talk it out...that could be a weakness, but I also see it as a strength to be able to "talk it out".

Rewind a bit...

I was to be at the school for Mass before the fundraiser at 4:30. I got a call from the girls' mom shortly before 4:00 when I was scrambling to finish getting ready (I did look cute...wish I had a picture ;) ). To say she was "pissed" is putting it mildly. Come to find out, she had no idea that the teen had a boyfriend and was LIVID that I was helping her "sneak around" to see him. Whoa, hold up...I had no idea she didn't know, I had no way of knowing she was so strongly against her SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD having a boyfriend, and most definitely do not advocate lying/sneaking around. I tried to get her to simmer down a bit, but she was SO angry and informed me that I am not to text, call, or in any way contact her daughter and am forever cut off from any contact with either girl...

Did I mention I was running late for my favorite event?

She told me she read all of her daughter's text messages and that there were many "highly inappropriate" text messages between the teen and her boyfriend (uh oh...I do/did trust them, but what exactly does this mean...not cool!) She asked me what I would have done if she would have gotten pregnant on my watch...she obviously doesn't talk to her daughter about that because that girl is HIGHLY judgmental of teenagers who get pregnant (I know that doesn't mean it couldn't happen, but I do feel like I know her and her goals well...although this withholding the truth does have me wondering...)

I am hoping things will be better after the dust settles and I really don't blame her for being upset about some things, but she blew things way out of proportion. She called me a couple more times during the evening and texted me to call her asap. I texted her that I was at an event and was not going to deal with this. The last thing I heard from her is that she is going to contact her previous caseworker and that "someone is in big trouble".

In the mean time, the teen is sending me messages from her email instead of her phone...yes, I'm at this event and trying to have a fun time (I did have wine in my hand during all of this). She said she wants to tell me her side of the story and that she has been wanting to talk to me for the past two weeks, but never found the right time. [I reminded her we weren't supposed to be talking to each other and also said sorry we didn't get to talk before things blew up.]  What she wrote next (edited for clarity) hurts as much as the phone call telling me that I'm "cut off" from communication.

"I have thought about this a lot. You know how you said that your house would always be a home? Well, I really want to go back. I never wanted to live with my mom, I could not just say no when the case worker asked without trying it out. I have been so stressed and my grades are bad."

So yeah, that's that...and no clue when/if I'll find out any more. Angry teenager? Highly likely. Something more? Possibly. Anything to be done about it? Not sure.

I called the on-call caseworker who reminded me that I really am a "stranger" and I know that I have no legal ties and have to be okay with no more communication. Also, if she does allow us to talk again, I'll need to run communication through mom too (ugh!) I talked to my caseworker today and she said pretty much the same thing. I talked to two of the teen's teachers today and both of them are worried about the legal issue of talking to me about the teen when I am no longer her foster parent. I agree with their need to be careful and assured them that I'm not asking them to do anything they don't feel comfortable doing. I know the teen was scheduled to meet with her advisor this week, so am hopeful she can get to the bottom of what's going on with her. I realize that I cannot put them in the middle and I do not have a "need to know". I am about to email the principal to make sure I no longer get notifications about the teen's grades which I probably should have done before this happened. I care a lot about her and it proved to be too much of a temptation that likely played a role in how this all "went down" (on the other hand, my text accusing the teen of lying could actually help me).

I don't know what is going to happen from here, but it has been a rough day and a half, that's for sure. I'm watching the Gr@mmys and it is making me miss the girls so much, especially the teen since music is her "thing"...

Good night.

A Little Post-Reunification Stuff

Tonight I had tickets to the show at the local children's theater. I have a season pass, so the little one and I have gone to a dozen (or more!) shows and the teen has joined us for most of them. The season pass is super cheap and I think it is great to introduce her/them to the theater. She is a little young for some of them content-wise, but she does usually pay attention and talks about it later even if it doesn't appear she was paying attention!

I brought the teen to a job fair earlier in the week and we had a good visit. She keeps telling me that school is easy/she hardly has homework/things are going well. Curiosity/temptation got the best of me and I checked her grades online on Wednesday. I've been stewing about them ever since. She had more F's and zeros than I could count on two hands and has D-'s or F's in over half of her classes. I was filled with many different emotions--hurt, disappointment, sadness, frustration, some anger--but really had no clue what to do with the information since I probably shouldn't still have access to her grades. However, it was eating me alive and I knew I couldn't ignore it forever (and her mom would be no help considering when I mentioned to her something on Tuesday about the teen turning in her homework and doing well, her response was "she better be doing her work!") She is going to a private school that her mom (and many other people) is sacrificing to send her to and it barely looks like she is making any sort of effort to do well. 

I knew I needed to be careful about my approach and give her the opportunity to tell her side of the story while reminding her that I do care about her, but this was hurtful to me personally as someone who has invested a lot in helping her to be successful. I ended up failing miserably at this, but I do think she knows something is up. She asked me if I could pick them up early today even though the show was at 7. She said 3:00 would be fine since I said I had stuff to do (which I ended up not doing, but that's beside the point). She texted me at noon that her boyfriend wanted to hang out. I found myself being pretty unaccommodating and making things difficult. Then, I texted her this "I'd normally bend over backwards to help get you to and from, but to be honest, my heart is really hurting because I feel like you have been lying to me about stuff. I shouldn't have taken it out on you without listening to you first, though, so hopefully we can work out something that works for all of us. I do love you. Let me know what you figured out." Her response was "Lying?" and then I knew that I screwed up because who accuses someone of lying via text?!

So, I responded with "Well, maybe not lying as much as not telling the whole truth. It's just hurtful, but I should not have taken it out on you that way without talking about it, so I'm sorry. I was letting my hurt get in the way and I realized that. It totally wasn't fair to take it out on you and him like that, so I apologize for that"..."but, I am hurting and sad, so we will have to talk at some point." She agreed to that, but there ended up not being a good time for us to talk. We visited at a coffee shop with the little one until he came to the mall. Then, she was 15 minutes late getting back making us late getting dinner and nearly late to the show. She never apologized for that which was a little annoying, but she was totally "cool" the rest of the time with pretty open conversation. That made me feel even more bad about calling her out via text message! 

After I dropped them off, I texted her and offered to talk to her on the phone. She said she'd rather not. I texted her back "Ok, I understand if you'd rather talk face-to-face. I agree that's probably best and respect your choice. I also really respect your maturity and treating me with respect even though you probably were kind of upset with me. You really are a great kid!" She responded with a "thanks" and that she had tried to talk to me too, but there hadn't been a good time when we were together. So, nothing really got solved there, but she did say she was going to try really hard in geometry so she could help one of her friends (geometry is one of the classes she is doing really badly in). She also "mentioned" that her boyfriend said they shouldn't text after school so she can stay focused (or something along those lines). Therefore, I believe she kind of knew where my hurt was coming from. I just wish she had been honest and told me that she was having a hard time with things but making adjustments and getting help or something rather than just telling me everything was "perfect" when they obviously are not.

Anyway, while she was off with her boyfriend, the little one and I stayed at the coffee shop. I brought her a little coloring book which we did for a while and then she wanted to take pictures. She likes to "pose" which is a little annoying since those pictures don't turn out that great, but this one with her fingers in front of her face was perfect blog photo, so I was okay with it ;) I'm actually posting all the pictures she took, even the ones of me that aren't so flattering. She and I had fun and she asked to stay the night. I told her that we had to plan that kind of thing in advance but that I could talk to her mom. After I dropped them off, I got a text from their mom "Thanks, L is so happy right now..."

And that makes the 16 months of drama and the 4 1/2 months since then worth it...

Update

I stayed home sick from work today and still am not feeling that great. I am thankful, though, that I threw up while it was still early enough to call in sick rather than making it to work and getting sick there. I was having horrible sharp upper abdominal pains that kept me from sleeping for a while, but finally subsided enough for me to sleep all afternoon. I just had some chicken noodle soup and hopefully my stomach is okay with that. My mom brought me ginger ale on her way to work which was great :) I'm also thankful that I COULD just sleep all day and wasn't responsible for anyone else.

I got a call from the caseworker during my nap. Apparently she was in a car accident which is why she didn't call back yesterday. She said that they found a family who could take the little boy yesterday. I figured that would end up being the case, but at least they know I'm "ready". She said my file is still marked that I'm "on a break", so I need to decide when I want them to change that. I'm still planning to be "picky" and patient because that did very well for me last time :)

So, that's the update. Even though I've been resting all day, I'm struggling to stay awake. Being sick stinks :(

No News

I did not hear anything back about the potential placement I heard about last night. I left a message with the caseworker who called me, but never heard back. I called my caseworker and told her about that placement. She said she had been on call a couple weekends in a row and had me in her mind, but none of the calls she got sounded like a good "match". I love that my agency tries to "match" placements to homes in order to make them as successful as possible. I know that my asking to wait until Sunday put me at a "risk" of him being placed somewhere else, but that's how it needed to be. There is no way it would have worked for either of us before then. So, if this placement doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be, but she knows that I'm "ready"...when the right placement comes along.

I wasn't very productive today in getting ready for a (potential) two-year-old, but things will come together.

I brought the teen to an open job interview. I helped her fill out her application and did a little "pep talk" before the interview (which she didn't think she needed, but I told her to make sure to speak loud enough for the other person to hear and look at them...two things she struggles with around new people). It was a blessing to be there for her first interview and help with that. I don't think her mom would have been able to help her the way I could, so that was special too. Unfortunately, her mom told me that she knew nothing about the plan to go to the interview today even though I specifically told the teen to talk to her mom. Given the fact that I trust the teen more than her mom, I think I approached the subject well and was not surprised that the teen said she told her mom about it more than once. I'm not sure what the point of her mom telling me that the teen doesn't communicate with her was, but I just told the teen she has to work it out.

The girls' mom said I could bring both girls to the children's theater on Friday night. She said her Friday was open, so I could come get them whenever. The teen is to let me know what works for her (and communicate with her mom). Apparently, their mom decided that the little one didn't need to go to school which is really sad for me, and not cool for her. It's been over a month since I've seen the little one, so it will be interesting to see how she behaves after living "structure-less" for over four months. When I texted their mom last night at 8:30 about the job fair, she didn't respond. When I talked to her today, she said she had gone to bed early, so didn't get the text until today. So, I wonder who put the kids to bed...but trying not to "wonder" too much since it's out of my control. All I can do is keep being a positive influence (and try not to drive myself crazy!)

Well, that's a longer update than I planned, but there you go ;)
Good night.

A New Adventure?

Today was a crazy hectic day at work. Maybe because I'd had two days off or it was Monday or a combination of that and just busy patients, but it was pretty nuts. One of my patients was a cute baby girl who has a chronic illness and I suppose you would call "medically fragile". I have said that I wouldn't say I'd "never" take one of our transplant patients as a foster child, but it wouldn't probably be my first choice. However, hearing part of her story, I was thinking that I could take her (and her young mom) in and teach her mom how to care for her/bond with her and send them on their way. Of course, I've never met her mom and she never called today to check on her, so maybe it wouldn't end up like that, but I definitely thought about it (and said it out loud a couple of times).

With all that talking about being a foster mom, I shouldn't have been surprised that there was a voice mail on my cell phone when I got off work about a potential placement.

The caseworker called shortly before I got off, so I knew I had some time to think (at least the drive home!) I decided to call my sister instead of my parents and I'm really glad that I did that (I'm not sure why I did...I guess I went with my gut and it was right!) She actually had some REALLY good insight :)

The story is that this little one has a family who is planning to adopt him. However, the termination of parental rights will not happen until early summer. For some reason, he needs to be in my county and not in the county where the adoptive parents live. My agency would prefer the child stay within their agency (maybe this family just moved? I'm not sure and I guess it doesn't really matter that much.)

My sister made a good point that a 2 1/2 year old boy would keep me very busy. However, there is a (supposed) "end date"...and the "plan" is that he will leave here for an adoptive placement. Also, they said that he would go to the adoptive parents' home on weekends. Another good point from someone on twitter is that this is SO different than the girls' case that there is no competition/comparison.

My issue with saying "definitely yes" is that this week is super busy. I have tomorrow off, but am bringing the teen to a job fair. I work Wednesday and Thursday. Friday I made plans to bring both girls to a show at the children's theater. Saturday, I am meeting about my taxes, getting my hair colored, and going to a fundraiser at my high school alma mater where the teen will be volunteering. After that, I'm off Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

So, I said that if he could wait to be moved until Sunday, I'd take him. They were going to continue to look for someone who could take him sooner and let me know tomorrow what is decided. I feel badly that this kid would be going back in forth and my schedule is anything but "normal" so he'll have lots of time at day care during the week which stinks, but it does seem like it would be a good "second placement".

If it is to be, it will be, and I'll find out tomorrow. I'll post an update when I have time/information :)
Good night.

Life in (Cell Phone) Pictures

I know I need to do a real update about the work situation, but it's been a while since I wrote anything here, so wanted to check in :) I uploaded some pictures from my cell phone to my computer, so thought that would be a fun update.

I've been trying to clean/organize to get ready for the party I was having today/for future foster placements. I found this note and picture from Sara/Gitzen Girl. I miss her...forever and always a "Gitzen Girl Groupie"...

I bought some boots that appear to be at least close to the "trend" as well as a pair of "skinny jeans". My mom gave me the green jacket as well as the striped shirt, so I believe I sent these pictures to her (and maybe to twitter). I know I'm by no means "skinny", but looking back at older pictures during my cleaning make me believe I really did lose nearly 10 pounds last year

I painted one wall in my bedroom when I first moved into this house "beach ball yellow". I tried doing a sponge paint thing but didn't do it right, so it just looked like I got it wet and messed up the paint. However, it took me over eight years to fix it. I bought new bedding on sale (still expensive, but SO comfy!) and painted the walls gray. I really like it!

My mom gave me a gr0up0n for shellac before Christmas. I have done it three times since then and I really like it. I've been a nail biter forever, but can't with this. Now I have nails AND the manicure stayed nice even through the painting project and cleaning/organizing.

I got this really great canvas in the mail from a twitter/blog friend. I hung it in my new gray bedroom on  a nail that was already there but it will probably be moved since it's kind of hidden. (This picture was taken in my kitchen...the wall colors in there are "Bordeaux".)

This purple room is where the little one slept, even though it was/is mostly a junk room. I have done a lot of work in here, but there is still a lot more to do to make it a functional room. I'm not sure if I'll be able to use it as a bedroom again since I was really lucky she never got into anything she wasn't supposed to!

I moved the table to that space (after I cleared it off and removed the stickers...gotta love goo gone!) There used to be an armoire there, but I moved it into the purple room for now since I thought my bedroom seemed too cluttered with it in there.

All week, they were predicting a big snow for today. I went to the store last night and quickly snapped this picture. There were no bananas and very few fruits/vegetables of any kind, but I did get what I needed.

It really did snow and it was a wet and heavy snow that was perfect for snowmen making, but not-so-much for shoveling. It cleared off quickly and the plows came through early, so I didn't have to cancel my party.

I sent out seven invitations to people from church. One couple emailed me soon after they got the invite that they and their two kids would not be able to come. Another person emailed me last night that she had a funeral to go to so couldn't make it. I wasn't sure what would happen with the snow, but everyone lives close and were all excited to get out of the house since it wasn't too bad. There ended up being 9 adults (including me) and 10 kids aged 6 and under. I made Taco Soup (I'll have to post the recipe next time) which was a huge hit and ordered some pizzas. The kids played in my play room and did more playing than eating, so I have quite a bit of pizza left. I wasn't sure how it was all going to work and thought maybe the dads would watch TV in the living room or something and the moms would be down with the kids or a mix of both...I didn't have any plans bedsides the food and getting a craft for the kids to do in case they got bored.

As it turned out, the three dads who could come went downstairs and visited while the kids played. The  kids migrated upstairs as they got hungry and then went back to play. They played with the Barbies, babies, kitchen, paint, markers, pretty much everything in my apparently well-stocked play room :) I was surprised to see how clean it was when they left (these are "after" pictures!) It was so great having something social to do and I think everyone had a good time. One of the moms I invited had never met the others, so I'm glad I was able to include her and her two girls had a fun time with the other kids (there were 7 girls and 3 boys...I need to "get" a little girl to fit right in...sad that I had a little girl who would have and we never got together the whole time she lived with me!)

Well, this is a lot longer of an update than I planned, but that's what's been going on in my life that has been "picture worthy". Tomorrow I am off and get to go have a pedicure with my mom and sister :)

Good night.