October 15th

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. My hospital holds its annual Perinatal and Pediatric Memorial Service the Second Sunday in October and I am the coordinator of for that service. Most of the first blogs I read were those of moms who had experienced infant loss. Now I have friends who have had miscarriages/lost babies/children, so this is a day to really remember them even though rarely a day goes by that I don't think about at least one of them and remember their loss, and what I learned from them. So, here is a "repost" from two years ago after my hospital's memorial service that year (I was a little "delayed" in writing the post, but the events written about occurred almost exactly two years ago...wow how time flies!)

Still Surreal--Originally Posted November 5, 2009
Well, I waited to do this post so I wouldn't "rush" through it, but here I am trying to put it all into words when it is after midnight. I was putting the pictures into my computer two days ago and it is still surreal. In fact, if I didn't have the pictures then I probably wouldn't believe it! (I am having a really hard time adjusting to this new posting deal...apparently it will be "better", but right now it is frustrating me!)

So, that was after Midnight on October 17...apparently, the new posting deal frustrated me way too much to finish it, so I will try again. (and I DID try again, but STILL didn't finish the post...it's the morning of November 5 and I'm going to set it to post later today or tomorrow...sheesh!)

This is a "paperwhite" bulb, also called a "narcissus" (so I have been told, I do not know my flowers very well!) My hospital holds its annual Perinatal and Pediatric Memorial service the second Sunday in October. One of the nurses who works on my floor has been doing it for over 15 years, and the past two or three I have helped. The "plan" is for me to take over next year. Unfortunately, one of the people in the pastoral care department took over and didn't really take any suggestions this year. So, hopefully we will improve that communication before the next time we plan a service. Anyway, we did have one meeting and set a theme. Then, one of the child life specialists found an activity that also gave each family something to take home with them.

The chaplain who gave the meditation did a GREAT job of tying in "the theme" with the activity. We got snow a couple days before the service which is REALLY early for us. She talked about how winter came early for us, but as the seasons go, we know that spring will follow winter. For those who have lost a child, winter came early, it came when they least expected it, when they were unprepared. While it may take a while for them to find spring, spring will eventually come, even though they will be forever changed by the winter. It really was a very nice reflection which worked for all those who attended (those who have experienced miscarriage, still birth, perinatal, neonatal, and pediatric loss are invited). I got to bring three of the bulbs home with me.

That evening was "the concert". I half-heartedly looked for someone to go with me, but really wanted to go alone. I was in the midst of a special, sacred, spiritual weekend and sometimes I like doing that solo. (The day before, I was chosen to be my friend's son's Godmother...well, the Baptism was that day, they chose me a while back!)

I was able to sell my second ticket since it was sold out and there was a line of people waiting. I had hoped to be able to give it away, but others were selling theirs and it was just easier that way. When I got there, nearly all the seats in the church were filled. Since I was "only one", I thought I would be able to find a single seat close to the front. Little did I know that they were going to find me a seat on the aisle in the very front row, stage right. Even better than I ever could have imagined, but I took it and quickly texted Ginger to let her know I was in.the.front.row.OMG! Speechless, definitely speechless (well, and "giddy"...and I did introduce myself to the people sitting next to me.)

Here is a collage from the concert. It was AWESOME!! Since I was sitting in the front row, I only used my flash for a couple pictures. (There were flash pictures being taken throughout the concert, but I thought that flash from the very front row could be distracting and I definitely didn't want to be kicked out!) Selah and Avalon were great! I didn't realize that I knew so many Avalon songs!

Since I'm a bit "star-struck", I was SO excited to read on Angie Smith's blog that she and her girls were coming along this leg of the tour. I am a "faithful reader", but not frequent commenter, although I do recall commenting on a post that had like 25 posts since I'm fairly certain I "happened upon" her blog before it exploded in readership. Anyway, since I'm kind of a freak, I quickly snapped this picture when I noticed her and her daughters sneaking in during the first song. It was REALLY dark and this is my attempt to lighten it up...I think you can tell who/what I was taking a picture of!

I jetted out of the room during the break since I had to go to the bathroom SO bad and sneaking out from the front row of a full house doesn't exactly work! Also, that is the time that the groups came down from the stage into the audience with packets of kids to sponsor. Now, I'm not against sponsoring a child, but it isn't something I can feel like I could do right now. I do a LOT of "sponsoring" of families/children who come into my life and do that without an agency on my own time and that works for me.

I was twittering/texting Ginger during the break freaking out that I was in the front row, etc. She told me she twittered Angie to let her know I was in the front row...what an awesome friend!

I made my way back to my seat and checked Angie's area. It kinda looked like there was "security" over there, so I almost didn't try. But, I took a deep breath and moseyed on over there. She was talking to two other "blog readers" and they were wanting a picture. I said "I'll take YOUR picture if you take MINE!" And so they did...

I was wearing shoes with a slight heel, but they still made me tower over her. She is 5'2 (I think that's what she said). I'm only 5 feet, but offered to take my shoes off for the photo (I think she thought that was sweet...ha!) I pulled one of the paperwhite bulbs out of my purse and gave it to her. I told her the story that was shared at the memorial service. I told her about the "tweets" (although she said she hadn't checked her phone in a while!) I asked her about going to the pumpkin patch (they went to a pizza place instead of that but I told her next time, she HAS to go there!) Wow, sounds like we talked for a bit. She really is sweet and I totally can't believe I have this picture!!

After the concert, they had a meet and greet/autograph signing. This girl was ahead of me in line and I talked to her and her mom. I spoke with some of the members of Avalon and got their autographs, but did not get a picture. I said "I didn't realize I knew so many of your songs...it was AWESOME!!"

I DID get my picture with Selah :o) I told Amy I thought she was HILARIOUS and she let me know that her husband gives her good material. She is super sweet and has an AMAZING voice! I told Todd that I had spoken with Angie and shared with him some of the story of the paperwhite. He and Allen both genuinely listened to this crazy girl who obviously was "star struck" and only sort of making sense...ha!



What an amazing, and still surreal experience! Treasured memories, with some really fun pictures to go along with them. It was a great spiritual "pick me up" and I love me some good music :o)
_________________________
Well, I'm not sure that was "worth" waiting nearly a month for, but now it is written (I suppose I could come back and add more details later...I did take notes in my little notebook about what songs they sang and did take a little video clip of Selah singing "Unredeemed" which is a great song!)

In another "surreal" moment, I am picking up Ginger in the airport early this afternoon. I didn't even KNOW about Ginger nine months ago and we already met up in Chicago and now she is coming to STAY with me for a couple days! I am SO excited and have some fun things planned. :o) I'll probably wait to post again until after she leaves so I can focus my time on hanging out rather than on the computer!

Until then...

I knew, but now I KNOW

Although there have been struggles during the 12 days since the girls were reunified with their family, there are some things I "knew" that helped me cope. I knew that I had given the girls priceless gifts during the nearly 16 months they lived here. I watched them both grow and develop which was incredibly rewarding and made me a very proud Mom. The little one turned three AND four during that time. She became more independent and her personality shined. She learned appropriate behavior, about healthy foods, and how better to interact with her peers and new people. She was my little "cling-on" who loved to give hugs and kisses and tell me she loved me. We spent lots of one-on-one time together and made lots of memories.

While the little one's growth and development was more due to her age, the teen's growth and development were cultivated by the environment I helped to create for her. If I went back to look at notes I wrote from last fall, they were about a completely different person than the teen I know today. There were nights I wondered if anything I could do or say would help her see that she was important and her needs mattered. There were times she would cry when I told her how proud I was of her. This summer, while we waited for the judge to make a decision on when they could go home, I really knew that our relationship had changed. She talked to me constantly, sharing her random stories, telling me about school and her friends, and about her plans for the future. She was a new kid when school started this year and I really knew that I made a difference. Like my mom told me, this time gave her an opportunity to find her "passions" and, like the little one, she too became more independent and her personality began to shine.

So, I knew all these things about how much of a difference I made in their lives (and more, but this is already a really long post and I haven't gotten to the point yet ;) ) but here is how I KNOW I did...

This afternoon, I went to the teen's school to pick up her broken lap top with hopes that I can get it fixed (I just bought it for her in March...stinky!) I brought her a mocha smoothie for "old time's sake". I sat on the front stops of her school hoping that she didn't forget. She came out with her friend and handed me a note. She then told me all the crazy stuff that was going on with the computer. I asked about her sister (she was starting her new pre-school today) and how transportation was going (her cousin has been bringing her and picking her up). Then, she had me take a look at this note she handed me.

The envelope was covered with drawings of the memories from her time here. "Big" memories like baseball games, trips to the zoo and downtown to feed the ducks, the Taylor Swift concert, and going to the pumpkin patch and "little" memories like a drawing of my ipod, "turtle soup", a string cheese sandwich (from their first night here), and eating chips in the car while stuck in traffic watching fireworks last year. She included the quote "There is nothing more thrilling than to see someone grow in front of your eyes". So many memories--some photographed, some only in our minds and the stories we share--but she chose to capture them all on this envelope. I said "you are going to make me cry" and she assured me that the letter would, so I chose not to read it then. I tearfully told her that I miss her, but I'm glad she is doing well. She doesn't currently have plans for her day off next week, so I need to call her mom to see about taking the girls for the day/evening.

When I got home, I read the note...and cried of course. Then, I called my agency worker and bawled while I read it out loud to her. It really is special, and a true testament to how much of a difference I really do make. Even though I am going to treasure this note forever, I'm going to go ahead and write it here so it is two places (hopefully she wouldn't be upset with me sharing it!) The card had a drawing from the little one, the quote "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart." and a note "Happy Birthday Amanda. Hope you have a wonderful day. Hope your birthday vacation is fun."

Then, there were four 3x5 note cards with the rest of her note, written with five different colors of pens (so teenager!) The note cards are significant to me because she used note cards to help her study and I bought her a bunch of them when school started so she was ready :) Here it goes (be prepared to cry...it is really sweet.)

Dear Amanda,
Thank you for all that you have done for me and my sister. We made many great memories, did lots of things together. The time that I spent in your house and at (her high school) has made me a better person. I always believed that everything happens for a reason. God may put us through hardships in our life, but we just have to make the best. God never will give you more than you can handle. Although not being with my mom, I was still able to be happy because I was surrounded by good people. As I look back now at all the time that we spent together, I see all the good memories we had. While your house was only a temporary home, it felt like a real one (Temporary Home-Carrie Underwood). Even though I still have a very long journey ahead, I feel that I will be successful. When I graduate from (her high school) and go to college, I will look back and remember you. You helped make it possible for me to get to that point. All the long nights of helping me study, writing outlines, projects, and writing songs will help me get to that point of life. Thank you for all that you have helped me with. When it comes time for me to graduate, I'll be sure that I send you an invitation to my graduation. I'm sure my sister feels the same way about you and all you have done for us.
Love Always, M & L

So special, so very special. And with that, good night...

Where I Am

The girls moved home 11 days ago. In 11 days, I am going on vacation (and turning 32!). So, today I am right smack dab in the middle between one unforgettable experience and another one that will (hopefully!) be a memorable one. I suppose, then, that it makes sense that "where I am" in terms of my feelings, coping, adjusting could be described as "in the middle".

For years I lived alone, and honestly would tell people that I didn't often feel "lonely". Then, I spent nearly 16 months living with a teenager and a toddler-turned-preschooler who changed my world as I knew it. Many people couldn't believe that I went from having no kids to having a teen and a toddler overnight (and many thought I was crazy, I'm sure!) Life definitely wasn't lonely, and I rarely found myself alone.

So, the past 11 days have not been easy ones. However, the dishwasher is finally being run. I did a couple of loads of laundry. I vacuumed the sand off the rug in the little one's room tonight. I still have lots of piles of papers and my living room is not yet put back together. I have watched a lot of TV and eaten a lot of junk, but tonight I made chicken and a baked potato for dinner (after having part of a funnel cake for lunch...)

On Sunday, I had an extended telephone conversation with a social worker friend in another State. She recommended that I "make the first move" and call the girls' mom. I know that I wasn't emotionally in a good spot last week to do that, although I did send an email to the teen on Friday. I'm feeling like my emotions are running hot and cold this week (my hormones seem to be out of whack too which doesn't help matters), so I don't know at what point I will have enough confidence to make that call. I did, however, have a note delivered to the teen at school today in regards to her broken computer. She sent me an email at 2:20 that she'd be at school until 3:15 with her computer. But, my phone hasn't been syncing my emails, so I didn't get it until 3:05. I rushed to the school and got there by 3:15, but had no clue where I'd find her. I had her overhead paged, but it was too late (should have thought of that on my way to the school so she would have stayed put!). So, maybe we can try again on Thursday (I sent her an email about it...I suppose if I don't get an email from her tomorrow, maybe I'll "suck it up" and call her mom's phone).

I still feel myself missing the teen a lot. I feel somewhat guilty that the "missing" feelings don't seem to be as strong for the little one, but maybe I'm still just numb about that. Maybe I knew I would miss the hugs, kisses, snuggles, and "I love you's" from my little "cling-on" and some how dealt with that without realizing it, but didn't know how to prepare to miss the "presence" of the teen, or realize quite how "loud" her simply being here was.

But, since I'm "in the middle", I've been trying to talk to myself about other things besides the "missing" (yes, talking to myself, but I don't think I've really talked out loud...not that it would matter, though, since I'm here by myself!) I reminded myself that I didn't become a foster parent with plans to adopt. Now, that doesn't mean I would be opposed to it if the option came up and I felt that it was God's plan for me, my life, and in the child's best interest. However, that wasn't my intention when I made the choice to be a foster parent. I saw it as an opportunity to help children in crisis grow and develop in a loving, stable environment until they were able to go back to their family (who hopefully had fixed whatever issues led to the children being removed from their care). During my licensing process, I shared that "love them and let them go" was something I do regularly in my job as a pediatric nurse, so the concept was not foreign to me. I did sort of forget how hard that "let them go" part is...or, maybe not "forget", rather didn't dwell on it in order to make the most of the time we had.

(Wow, I'm starting to feel myself rambling here...I know, seven paragraphs in, I realize that...I am amazed by people who can put together a really good post that is very short...totally not me!)

So, I reminded myself that I knew 16 months ago that these girls were not going to live here forever. I also am reminded that they are not gone from my life forever. And, maybe most importantly, I am reminded that I did everything I set out to do in terms of loving them, giving them a stable environment, role modeling appropriate behaviors, helping them establish their independence/character/personalities, creating lasting memories, showing them the kind of life they likely would never have seen.

Today, I found myself "in the middle", with more tears than some days, less tears than I've had other days. Some sad thoughts, some proud thoughts. Even though tomorrow won't be a "middle" like today was, I think this up and down stuff is going to continue for a bit...and I think that's "ok".

Good night.

Oh, I did get a text message from my agency worker saying "Would like to talk to you about what you want to do about taking a break or taking more placements." My response was "Oh goodness...I'm thinking a break, but kind of depends on what you have. I'd maybe like to wait until their case is closed?" I did call her about it and it was for a 13-year-old girl...I passed on that one for the time being...still thinking I'd like to take a "break", but trusting in God's plan. He brought me two amazing girls the first time, so my guess is there will be another good "fit" out there some day.

Feeling the Love

This past week, I have felt so much love and support from people in all parts of my life. I'm really feeling blessed, even though it was not an easy week. I got periodic text messages from my high school friend and my foster mom friend. I got twitter messages and facebook wall posts. My mom and my sister even came out full-force with their "random" texts asking me how I was doing. I got a note from my agency worker as well as a phone call. I had various co-workers and patient family members ask how things were going with me and my quiet house.

Seriously, I have felt SO loved and that really made this week that much more bearable!

Not only did these people ask me how I was doing, they genuinely wanted to know. Not once did someone cut me off when I went into the "well, I miss them because of this and that and some moments are harder than others and watching SVU wasn't at all the same and I didn't think I would miss them this soon, but I do, etc." sort of babble. While "no one" could really understand what I was going through, everyone can see how hard it would be and knew the importance of asking.

Gosh I have amazing friends and a terrific family...and they all came out in "full force" this week which was exactly what I needed :)

I emailed the teen last night because she got something in the mail that looked like a letter or an invitation of some sort. I let her know that I'd open it if she needed to see it or plan to drop it off at the school on Monday or Tuesday. Of course, I threw in an "I miss you" and signed it "Love" like I always did. Much to my (pleasant) surprise, there was a response when I checked my email before work this morning. She said she knew what the letter was about and that I could bring it to school next week. She said the lap top I bought her is broken and she wanted to know where to get it fixed. Then, she wrote "Miss u to" and "Hi turtle soup" from the little one which is total inside joke for us. :) That was exactly what I needed to remind me that "things will be ok"...

Thanks to anyone who's reading who helped me "feel the love" this week...I really appreciate you :)

How Are You?

After months of getting the daily question "Do you still have your/the girls?", the question has now become "How are you?" As difficult as it is to answer that question, I definitely think it will be harder when people stop asking (as with any personal loss). I appreciate the thoughtfulness of people in all aspects of my life who have taken the risk to ask me that question not knowing how I would react to it. Because, more often than not, it has brought tears to my eyes (and usually a MUCH longer answer than I'm sure they were anticipating...because, you know, I'm a "talker" AND a "crier"...ha!)

The truth, though, is I really don't know how to answer that. One moment I'm at peace knowing how much of a difference I made in their lives. The next minute, I'm angry at their mom for the way she treated them (and me for that matter) and wishing she understood what a gift she has been given. Then, I find myself crying and praying that they are remembering how much I love them and that their mom is allowing them to be sad. I've been keeping busy this week, but didn't realize that the quietness would hit me so soon considering they were gone for half the week all summer long.

This week, I've found myself really missing the teenager. There have been things I've wanted to share with her and she's not here. I've wanted to hear how school was going. I missed her while I watched Parenthood and SVU without her. I miss having a race with the dishes after dinner (she rinsed & I put them in the dishwasher...she almost always won). I miss calling her on my way home from work and having her answer "Joe's store". I miss her completely random stories and useless information she decided was important to share with me. I miss just looking at her and thinking to myself how far she has come, how hard she has worked, and how proud I am of who she is. Oh how I pray that her hopes and dreams aren't shattered now that she has been placed back into an environment that kept her from having the childhood she deserved. Sure, I know that her time in a positive, healthy environment will take her far, but it's hard to give up the control and I miss being able to protect her (guess that means I'm really a mom, right...gotta let the kids find their wings and allow them to fly...ha!)

I did see my therapist on Tuesday and was reminded once again of why I love her so much (more on that talk another time). I had lunch with my cousin today and am about to leave to go to a work bridal shower which is something I would have skipped if there were kids here, so there is one positive (hopefully it's fun...I don't really "hang out" with my co-workers much).

So, there's the answer to "How are you?" for today/this moment. My agency worker sent me a card and also called me. I went and talked to the foster care review board on Tuesday night and they all thought I was an awesome foster mom (j/k!) and asked me to consider joining the board (not sure I'm experienced enough for that after one placement!)

Well, I better go "freshen up" so I look presentable at "Happy Hour" ;)

Until the next time...

Not Prepared for That

I did okay on Friday night after dropping the girls off at their mom's "for good".  I wondered about me drawing it out until 8:00 at night, but it worked out fine and the girls acted "normal" all day. Saturday, I worked at the hospital all day and fell asleep on the couch early while a football game was on. Yesterday, I worked at the pumpkin patch from 11-5 after going to 9:00 Mass, so it was a full day.

The girls' mom called me about 8:00 and started off the conversation by saying "So, do you miss the girls yet?" Seriously, jerk, of COURSE! (Okay, I left out the "jerk" part...) Then, she proceeded to whine about how "everyone" was sick at her house and the flu was going around, poor me business as usual. She said the teen was sick and she wasn't sure she'd be able to go to school and then gave me a hard time about having her tell the teen to meet me at my parents' house rather than me get her at school (hello-you are the one who is having her ride the city bus...the bus stop is a few blogs further away than my mom and dad's house...argh!) After that, she decided to tell me about how the agency is the reason she didn't get her kids back sooner, quoting an article that was in last week's paper about the child welfare system in my State (I pretended like I hadn't read it...the agency was not really the problem, at least not all of it). Yep, fun times and I'm "stuck" with this forever now...

She texted me about 1:30 today to let me know that the teen did go to school. I texted back "great" and that it's good she keeps her perfect attendance (that wouldn't be so hot if she had 3 semesters of perfect attendance and breaks it the first DAY she is back in her mom's care). I picked her up from my mom and dad's about 3:15 and dropped her back off at her mom's around 5:30 after she was finished packing and the car was loaded. She hardly talked to me at all during that time and didn't speak unless spoken to the entire ride back to her mom's. I had told a few people that I wouldn't have blamed her if last week she had "shut down" a bit in order to protect herself, but that didn't happen. So, I wasn't at all prepared for that change to occur today. Maybe it was partially because she had the stomach flu all weekend and was still tired, but the difference in her was hard to see. She had told me on Friday that she wanted to apply at a local restaurant, but when I asked her if she wanted me to stop by there on the way for an application, she said she changed her mind. I really hope she doesn't lose her drive to be successful and reach her goals...she has worked so hard to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life, but I could definitely see her mom being a "dream killer"...but I'm trying not to think like that.

So, I dropped her off at her mom's (oh, earlier in the day, their mom texted to have me send motrin for the little one since she thought maybe she was getting sick...I told her it was over the counter...annoying!) The little one came outside and said a few words to me "you miss me every day?" I picked her up, gave her a hug, and told her I loved her. I brought a couple loads of things into the apartment and pretty much the only thing their mom said to me was "all I've been doing the past three days is laundry". I wish I would have been able to spit out "welcome to being a mother", but I pretty much ignored her (especially since both girls have TONS of clothes and all of them were clean on Friday when I dropped them off). Again, I'm "stuck" with this forever now.

When the teen got into the car at my house I told her she was welcome here any time. I left their mom's much more emotional (but no tears) than I did on Friday and I wasn't prepared for that. I guess on Friday I know I'd be back there today, but now I have no idea when I'll see them again. The next court hearing is the middle of November (I'm guessing that's when the case is "closed", but I'm new to this). A foster mom commented on my last post that it took 8 months for her first foster child's mom to contact her post-reunification. That's a really long time! But, I'm definitely thinking that I need to allow her to make the "first move" and go from there. One of my prayers for them right now is that their mom allows them to grieve the loss of me, my family, living in my home, etc. As excited as they were to go home and be together, there is still a loss there, which may not make sense to her (especially since she is one of those "it's all about me" people...aka narcissistic) but they need to know that those kind of feelings are okay.

I still think it will take a week or more for reality to set in that I won't be coming home from work to two chatty girls anymore. However, today was definitely harder than I thought it would be. I did book a plane ticket last night to go on vacation for my birthday weekend in a few weeks and I'm thankful to have that to look forward to. I believe it will come at the perfect time :)

I worked at the pumpkin patch again today and work tomorrow, so along with working there Thursday and yesterday and being out there Friday, that's way more "outdoors" than I'm used to and it's wearing me out!

Until the next time...good night.

They Are Home

Tonight, I brought the girls (and a car filled to the brim with their things) to go live with their mom and their siblings. I'm not sure it will actually feel "real" until a week or so passes and they don't come back. The teen didn't have time to pack all her things and I'm pretty sure she has close to a car full left here. So, I will pick her up from school on Monday to bring her here to pack the rest (she also said she'd clean her room...maybe her bathroom too ;) ).

It was an exhausting week since I worked four out of five days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday), had appointments all day Tuesday, and worked at the pumpkin patch all day yesterday. But, we managed to have a good week, making as many memories as time allowed. The park pictures are actually from last week and the pumpkin patch pictures are from today.

Right now, I'm doing okay. I cried intermittently throughout the week. I had countless people asking me how I was doing which was really nice and appreciated, but I did sort of get tired of crying every time. I don't know what our future relationship will look like, but in some ways (if we are able to maintain contact) it could be better since it will be on their terms and not fighting hard to get back home. Their mom did say "thank you for everything" when I dropped them off which I'll take (since I was really annoyed that we hadn't heard a single word from her since she decided last Friday she wanted them back today...together, not the little one first like everyone else thought would be best). 

I haven't had a chance to watch the recording of Sara (Gitzen Girl)'s memorial service from last night and missed out on her funeral that was Wednesday. It has been so cool to see how many lives she touched! It seems like Sara was one of those people who made EVERYONE feel like she was their best friend...what a great trait to have! Anyway, I have been "tweeting" with her friends Tam and Alece who live in Nashville and am thinking about going there in a couple weeks with hopes to "hang out" with them (and see my "other mom" and relatives). I tried to make sure that this wasn't an attempt to run away from my problems, but I'm thinking of it more as having something to look forward to. For YEARS I went on vacation for my birthday and "missed" last year since I had two kids. So, it isn't completely out of character to travel on my birthday and I got a "blessing" from my mom to go (although she doesn't know about the "Internet people" portion of the trip...ha!) :) Now I need to figure out the details and just go for it.

Funny story from tonight that I want to remember and then I need to go to bed: I brought the girls to a restaurant that for some reason has been our "favorite" and we've gone to more than half a dozen times before bringing them to their mom. For some reason we had like three different waitresses come to our table (I think one was in training). The one who brought the bill asked if we were paying together or separate. We were in a booth with the little one next to me and the teen across from us. I tried not to laugh when I said just one check. Then, the teen and I cracked up when she left to get it. Then, she put the check much closer to the teen than to me which only made us laugh harder. I'm wondering what was going through her mind because obviously she didn't see me as the "adult" with these two kids. But, whose kid did she think the little one was? Neither of us? Hers? Mine? It makes me laugh thinking about it

Pretty sure I'll be back here more often than I have been...until the next time, good night.

Finding My Words

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

We Have a Date

The caseworker met with mom today at noon to see how things were going with the boys and talk about transitioning the girls. We were all hopeful that the little one could go back first and then the teen a week or two after that. However, apparently mom was very opposed to that (I wasn't at the meeting, but the caseworker said she tried). So, both girls will be going home next Friday, September 30...nearly 16 months since they spent their first night here. I'm kind of numb at this point, but thankful that I have a week to prepare and very grateful for the extra time I was given with them. The caseworker told me she would be making frequent unannounced visits and told my agency worker she would be diligently checking school attendance records. I let them both know that I would be on the "safety plan" and I'm hopeful that we will remain in contact. I know that I need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them, so will need to spend some time thinking and praying about what things I would and would not be willing to do.

I was off all week long (I was called off on Monday and work the weekend), so we were able to spend some extra time together that I also wasn't anticipating. I'm going to say this is a good thing rather than thinking it will make the quietness even louder after being here all the time. I would appreciate your prayers for all of us during this next week and the days and weeks to follow as we adjust to the next phase of our lives.

Here is the Friday update on Sara (Gitzen Girl). She was in my dreams last night, so I thought maybe she had already passed away, but as of early this afternoon, she was resting, but holding on.

This Place

I have been trying and trying to get myself back to this place to write down all that's in my heart and on my mind. I love this place, this place where I have written about the ups and the downs and everything in between for over four years now. However, I haven't been able to make it here for one reason or another. It's been a week and a half since I found out the Judge said the girls could go home. It's been a week since I found out that Sweet Sara was entering hospice care and would be leaving this Earth much sooner than anyone who knows her would like. I've been trying to find the words, but every time I think I'm ready something happens and I can't get to this place to write. This emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the past week and half has not been fun, but I don't want to ask to get off it because I'm afraid I won't like what's at the end.

So, one of these days (tomorrow, hopefully?!) I will write my "Gitzen Girl Groupie" post.

Tomorrow morning, the girls' mom goes back to court. I'm not sure why or what will be said, but she texted me at 8:00 tonight asking me to bring the girls with me. The teen is going to school, but I said I'd bring the little one. She's lucky I took the day off work to go or she wouldn't have been able to have her little one there to show everyone that she's Mother of the Year. I thought maybe I'd have another week with the little one, but now I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I was trying to use a coupon for a free book on $hutterfly that expires in a couple of hours and make the second edition of a memory book for the little one (with pictures from May until now since the first one is June 2010-May 2011). However, I'm thinking I need to rest up for tomorrow and will just have to pay for it when it's finished. Maybe I'll use the free coupon to get a copy of the first memory book for me to have.

It feels so nice to come back to this place...I have so much more that I want to/need to write, but it will have to wait for another day.

Good night.

9/22/11/ 1100 PM
Court update: Their mom texted me about 7:30 this morning to let me know that her aunt didn't think it would be appropriate for the little one to go to court and she should go to school. That was a relief to me and probably the best idea for everyone. Mom's lawyer didn't show up, so there wasn't actually a hearing (it was supposed to be a "review" anyway). The court report (from last week) stands and the girls can go home, but we are working out the details on when that is going to happen. The caseworkers will meet with mom tomorrow to see how things are going with her. I am anticipating that the little on will go home on the 30th and the teen 1-3 weeks after that. When court was over, their mom asked me for a ride home. Apparently, she didn't have money for the bus and had to borrow money from a friend to get there. Of course I gave her a ride because I'm not about to cause any tension or rifts between us for the sake of the kids and their best interest. The caseworker told me she is going to be making a number of unannounced visits to see how things are going, so that makes me feel better about them going home. Also, it sounds like I can be included in the "safety plan" (I'm not 100% clear on what this is, but apparently it is a legal document that says the girls can come to me if they need to after they go home...I will get a copy of it so know what it means.)


The girls continue to do great...the little one and I went to the park after dinner, the teen and I watched SVU and Parenthood after the little one was in bed. We are making the most of the time we have been given and will have many treasured memories from this time...been thinking a lot about Sara and all she has taught me...I'll get my post written one of these days when I find the words and make the time.

Choose Joy

Right now, I have no words besides this...

Not Home Yet

Quick update:
I did quite a bit of crying yesterday, but like I mentioned yesterday (or think I did), they aren't all tears of sadness. I told the teen about the court order when she got out of school and reiterated that I will ALWAYS be here for her and reminded her that I am VERY proud of her and so blessed to have been given this time with her. She didn't react positively or negatively to the news and I think it helped that I left the house for a while after telling her so she could process without anyone else around. Both caseworkers called me back AFTER I talked to her (one was on "vacation" and the other was out sick). There already was a family team meeting scheduled for today at 10, so that was "perfect timing" :)

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to work today, so had to call in sick in order to attend the meeting and find out the plan. Me being "out" left the floor short-staffed which only made me feel guilty for a split second which is "progress" for me. I knew where I needed to be today and it was not at work.

While I was driving to the meeting, I thought I was going to vomit. I was the first one there and the meeting started a bit late after everyone arrived. It was immediately obvious that their mom had no clue the Judge had ruled her kids could go home and I think that helped a TON in how the meeting went. We were able to "chit chat" for about 20 minutes before it came out that her kids could go home. Thankfully, she was "on board" with a sort of transition since apparently she could have said she wanted them all back today and there wasn't much anyone could do about it.

The decision was made that their brothers would officially go home on Friday. Mom and the caseworkers will meet a week after that to evaluate how things are going. Then, the girls will go home (or, possibly the little one for a bit and then the teen, but none of this has been worked out). So, I will have them here until at least September 23 (besides weekend visits).

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to the last minor league baseball game (I think it was maybe our fifth one of the season :) ). We all had a fun time as we always do at sporting events :) I'm thankful that the relationship I have with the teen has not changed since I told her she was going home. She is still chatty as ever telling me all about school and her friends (yes, I know I'm lucky/blessed!) I would be VERY surprised (and really sad) if she doesn't remain in contact with me on a fairly regular basis. We talk all the time and I think she will miss that as much as I do (or almost anyway!)

So, that's the update. I have to work tomorrow, so better head to bed :)
Good night.

15 Months Plus 1 Week

The girls have been living here for 15 months plus 1 week (their first night here was June 5, 2010). This morning, I received a call from the GAL that the court report came back and the Judge said the kids can go home. We have waited nearly 17 weeks for that report, but it still came as a shock and brought me to tears (and many more tears in the 2 hours since). She is hoping there will be a slow transition, but I'm not sure how much control she has now that the report says "home". I haven't talked to my agency worker or the caseworker to find out anything. There is/was a scheduled Family Team Meeting for tomorrow, so hopefully the girls won't go home tonight and we can have that meeting tomorrow to discuss details. I was scheduled to work, but am going to call in sick so I can find out the plan and hopefully participate in the planning. I hope I can make it through without crying because it isn't all sadness...I've been preparing for this day since I decided to become a foster parent. There are so many times during these past 15 months that I thought they were going home and they didn't. So, hearing those words did seem to come "out of the blue" since we've been waiting so long for them. However, that didn't make it any easier to hear. Just before getting that call, though, I was at Curves talking to the owner and she said "it's almost like you have come to the conclusion that your 'work' with them is done and it's time to 'move on' to the next stage". I agree...the post that has been in my head that never made it here was about "independence" and how I have given that to both of them (and been given some myself too) so they are now prepared to face whatever comes. I am very proud of myself and them for how much we have grown during these past 15 months.

More to come...

Summer 2010 

(my most used picture of them on this blog ;) )

Summer 2011

Fifteen Months

Tomorrow marks fifteen months since the girls spent their first night here. At that time, they had already been living in foster care for five months and I was basically told to expect a pretty short placement. I thought they were going home a year ago, nine months ago, six months ago, fifteen weeks ago...and yet here they still are. We love our time together and have so many memories (and HUNDREDS of pictures) from these fifteen months. However, this back and forth and the unknown is "starting" to get pretty old. Granted, I still think their mom's "mothering" leaves much to be desired, but they have already spent 20 months living apart from their siblings and I have a hard time saying that is "right". She frustrates me and disappoints me, but I honestly think that it is probably time to "move on" to the next phase of our relationship where I will hopefully be a mentor/support to them for the rest of our lives.

Here is a slide show of pictures from August which include a trip to the park, a trip Downtown to feed the ducks, a birthday celebration, and a baseball game.

The teen was having WAY too much fun taking horrible pictures of me at the baseball game. She thought it was hilarious. I wasn't 100% excited about them and really could have chosen not to put them on my blog, but I want to remember everything from this time, so here ya go ;)

Yesterday, I spent the day with one of my mom's sisters. She fixed a couple of the little one's outfits and then invited me to go to a football watching party with her, my uncle, and their friends. I wasn't expecting that and hadn't showered, but went anyway and had a really fun time. Before the game, she and I had a really nice visit and she let me "vent" about a lot of things (mostly frustrations with my family). I shared with her my disappointment that even after fifteen months, the girls are still kind of "extras" to my mom. We changed our birthday celebration plans mostly due to my mom expressing that two "extras" made a fancy dinner kind of expensive. It's hard for me to see how my sister having three people in her family and me having three people in my family is different, but I guess to her it is. Also, I tried not to be disappointed when the little one opened her birthday gift from my parents to find colored pencils and post-it notes. I realize that it really is the thought that counts and she was excited anyway, but they never would have gotten something like that for my nephew (today we went and had pedicures and she shared that they bought him a "roller coaster" as an early Christmas present). I know that all parents just do the best they can and there always is some kind of "sibling rivalry" even with the best of parents, so I'm trying very hard not to take things personally. It was very nice to have someone in the family to talk to as well as having this blog (and scheduled appointments to see my therapist and my spiritual director this week are coming at the perfect time) to vent.

Well, I'm not sure what is going on with the formatting today, but hopefully this isn't too hard to read. Last weekend, I ripped out the carpet in my living room and found some beautiful oak floors. Today I hope to paint the baseboards because they are getting refinished on Thursday and Friday. I bought new couches too and am VERY excited to see how everything all comes together (and proud of myself for doing almost everything by myself!) For sure there will be pictures when it's all done. The girls' mom expressed interest in having my old couch, so hopefully she will come through and pick it up on Tuesday to have that done (I offered her a bed back in January and that is still sitting in my basement...she says she still wants it).

Until the next time...

Some Days

Some days are just harder than others. Tonight was one of those hard foster parent nights that left me crying buckets of tears and I'm not sure they are finished. However, I have to get up in seven hours, so need to go to sleep (crying wears me out too!)

See, tonight was "Back to School Night" at the teen's school. I told her mom when it was, I made sure she had the paper with the date/time, and am sure I mentioned it to her again at some point. Even though when I asked the teen last night if her mom was going, she nearly laughed at me and told me "no", I still was hopeful. I wanted her to go. I decided that "when" she got there, I would tell her I was glad she was there and then leave, giving her full opportunity to meet her daughters teachers and tell them whatever she wanted. I stood by the door for fifteen minutes with her schedule in hand just waiting to hand it over to her, trying very hard not to be upset if she didn't come.

When the bell rang to head to the first class, I knew she wasn't coming. Well, I probably knew when I got up this morning that she wasn't going to go, but I didn't want to believe it. I wasn't holding my breath, but I definitely had hope that she would "show up" for her daughter. We spent about 10 minutes in each class period with the teacher talking about expectations, grading, etc. I made it to fifth period and heard her teacher tell me how awesome she did on her presentation, and was nearly unable to hold back the tears (those came later). The project was "Me in a Box" and apparently the teen talked a lot about me, my family, and her sister as she presented to the class who she is. I was told by multiple teachers that she is doing great and also that they can tell by the things she says that I am "special" to her. Everyone thinks she is terrific and it warmed this Mom's heart to hear all these wonderful things about this girl I care about so much.

However, that just made things worse for me emotionally thinking that HER Mom should have been there to hear those things. Her Mom should know how hard she works and how far she has come. Her Mom  should have come to see what that school is all about, what a special place it is, and how much of a difference it, and the people there, are making in her daughter's life. Her daughter is amazing, she really is. She takes everything in stride and it didn't seem to phase her that her mom wasn't planning to go tonight. I suppose I am grateful that it hurt me more than it hurt her, but it is incredibly sad to me.

And so, when the night was over, I found myself crying with five of the teachers, three of whom were mine when I went there. They assured me that I am doing a good job and the teen will always know that I am here for her. Of course, they all wish she could stay with me "forever", but I don't think that is what is to be...and am not even convinced that that is the way it "should" be. However, I do have faith that God has a plan, and am continuing to trust that things will work out the way they are "supposed" to. And, apparently her time living here is not over yet.

Some days are just harder than others...such is life I guess.

Good night.

Busy Busy

Eventually (hopefully, maybe!) I'll write about the little one's fourth birthday celebration, but for now, here are some pictures from Thursday (her birthday was Saturday). We had fun :)

I'll also eventually (hopefully, maybe!) write about my weekend of ripping up my living room carpet and finding some amazing wood floors underneath (and post some pictures).

But, for now, I think it's time to go to bed and gear up for another week of fostermotherhood, since I'm not optimistic that "fourteen weeks" is the magic number to get some answers. The girls are good, I'm doing well, their mom is still irritating, but I'm still seeking "permanency" for them. Tomorrow night is "Back to School Night" at the teen's school. I asked her if her mom was going and she said she didn't think so, which is just "awesome", but I'll be there either way.

Had a busy day at work (all of my patients were teenage girls...fun times!) and after a busy weekend and busy first full week of school last week, I'm beat! But, wanted to check in in case anyone is "worried" about me or wondering what's going on around here.

Night :)

Still Waiting

If my count is correct, we have been waiting over 13 weeks for the Judge to give us any sort of report stating her thoughts/views/plans for this case. Thirteen weeks of living in limbo, not knowing when that report will come or what it will say. I try not to dwell on it or I would be nuts by now, but it's definitely something that is hard to ignore. Every day, at least one person asks if I still have the girls. Every day, I do the "long story short" version where I say we are still waiting, but having fun while it lasts; I think their mom is "ready" (or as ready as she will be); and, as hard as it is to say, I think they need to go home.

However, I'm having one of those weeks where it makes me sad that they are going back to a mom "like that" (or, sad that they were given a mom "like that"). After paying for the teen's books so she could go to her same school and getting her a new uniform, she texted me on Friday to ask if I'd send some of the little one's "WIC" stuff. I'm not one who really gets angry, but seeing those words on my cell phone really bothered me. For WEEKS, probably months, maybe EVERY week, I "slipped" something into the little one's bag. Whether it was a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, or some juice, I knew she (and the kids) could use it. It wasn't something spoken or written about, I just did it and she used it. I did it because I felt it in my heart that it was the "right" thing to do, but that text showed me that it became an expectation and I don't like that! Unfortunately/fortunately, I was at work when I received the text and had already put juice and peanut butter in the little one's bag. So, that's what I told her and she said "great". We haven't heard from her since (out of sight, out of mind...). Now, I have no idea what I'll do this week, but I think I'm done sending stuff for a while. She's only taking them two days a week now and I have them five, so she should be able to figure out food.

Speaking of the visit change, this week has felt REALLY long and it's only Wednesday! For three months, the girls had visits from Saturday morning through Tuesday evening. Starting this week, they went Friday evening through Sunday evening. So, I had them Monday and Tuesday for the first time in three months making today feel like the end of the week rather than the middle. Our schedule is off with school starting for the teen last Thursday and getting into a bed time-wake time routine. The little one has been quite grouchy since I don't think she's getting enough sleep, so we need to remedy that quickly!

Another visit "issue" is that their mom has started having all sorts of different people drop the girls off at my house after visits. This week, they came without her with someone I've never seen. I "mentioned" it to the new worker and she said something to their mom. Of course, their mom said I was being "difficult", but thankfully the caseworker said she needs to know who is around the girls and people need to be background checked. This random driver stuff is almost as annoying as the asking for WIC stuff! I have allowed them to be dropped off at my house, but I don't want everyone she's ever met to know where I live! Anyway, she wouldn't have to find rides like that if they weren't in foster care, so I'll give her that much, but it is still bothersome.

The teen seems to be doing well at the start of her Junior Year, but is already very busy. Tomorrow marks one week since school started and I believe she has had three quizzes, a project, and two papers due plus quite a bit of homework. She seems to like her classes and I haven't heard her complain about any teachers. In fact, she's told me all sorts of good things about them and I'm really, really happy she was able to continue at this school. She talks my ear off every day about what they learned, what funny things happened, and how everything is going with her homework/tests/projects. I feel very blessed that she trusts me enough to talk to me so much about school. Tonight, she showed me her English paper four or five times to get my input/assistance. Last year, it was a struggle for her to "allow" me to help her and there were a LOT of tears during first quarter (it's late, but maybe I'll have to go back and look at some of those posts, even though I bet they will make me sad.) Her confidence and self-respect have grown so much and I love that I have been given this time with her. It does make me sad to think about her not having "someone" (me) there to help her with her projects and papers. I will obviously remind her that I'll always be here for her, but it won't be the same. Her teachers will also be there to help, but that isn't the same either...

Lots of ups and downs emotionally for me (and likely them too) as we sit and wait, but not really sit because there is fun to be had and memories to be made.

Tomorrow we are celebrating the little one's birthday since her birthday is Saturday and she'll be at her mom's. I'm sure there will be pictures :)

Good night.

Where We Stand

While I still feel like I'm living "The Crazy Life", the past couple of days have been less stressful. The girls' mom met with the administration at the school on Tuesday as scheduled (she did realize an hour before the meeting that it would be a good idea to drop the girls off while she was already in the neighborhood...at that point, it was humorous since I'd realized the night before it would "make sense" to do that). She called me from the meeting to see if I could pay for books since she was taking care of tuition. I wasn't really prepared for that, but felt my requested prayers for wisdom as I calmly was able to come up with what I still think was the best solution. I told her that I didn't really have $500 to pay for books. She said they shouldn't be as much this year. I let her know that I would pay for them, but she would have to meet me part or half-way at some point when she can, so it isn't all my responsibility. I told her that I wouldn't expect anything right away, but as she has funds, I would appreciate getting some help. She said "like an I owe you", and I said that I guess so, but it isn't something I will talk about all the time. Now, maybe I will never ask her for money (books were $249 and a new uniform was $69), but I don't feel badly having that sort of hanging over her head (if it really is hanging over her head...I'm not sure). I'm a little concerned that she won't figure out how to pay the $100/month negotiated tuition she agreed to pay, but that is out of my control. I do, however, think it will be a little more difficult for her to "flake out" and have the teen transfer schools now that she has already started.

I'm blogging the paying for books part so I remember it, not to show myself as a "martyr" or anything like that. In fact, I am not planning on telling anyone about our "arrangement". I think I did say something to the service coordinator, but didn't give her all of the details and won't plan on bringing it up again. She said she is going to be on mom's case each month to make sure she is paying tuition.

We had our family team meeting this morning at their mom's apartment. In attendance were the therapist (who seems to think they don't need any more family therapy), the new service coordinator (I like her!), and the covering agency worker (I love my agency worker, but it was okay having another set of eyes/ears in there who isn't worn out from this case), and myself. I guess the GAL was not able to come. It would have been nice if she had been there, but the service coordinator was going to contact her to give her an update. It was actually one of our more productive meetings. Of course, their mom continues to insist that she is an awesome parent who puts her kids first which is laughable, but I still believe the kids will be safe when they go home, so there isn't as much to question about reunification happening. Yes, it is very frustrating that the girls seem to be "out of sight out of mind" when they are here since she very rarely tries to contact them by phone (she did call the teen when she was sick, which is good!) Equally frustrating/sad is the fact that she opted to change visits from Saturday morning through Tuesday evening to Friday night to Sunday night (2 days/2 nights rather than 4 days/3 nights) since she wouldn't/couldn't commit to getting the girls to/from school. Basically, she loves the foster mom the boys have, but I'm a pain in her @$$ trying to make her be responsible/accountable...she definitely pointed that out during the meeting. So sorry...I have a full time job AND take very good care of your children.

All of us are frustrated that it has been over 12 weeks since court and still no word on what the judge's plan is. They have been having consistent visits that whole time, so it would be nice if someone could submit an "addendum" or something so this doesn't continue to be dragged out unnecessarily (it already has been for long enough!) I am going to miss having these girls living here SO much, but I also understand that there are things I cannot give them. Even if they end up being taken care of by aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents along with their mom, they will be "ok" and know that I will always be here for them. (When I picked the teen up after her first day of school today, she told me every single thing that happened today from start to finish including a recap of the entire welcome assembly. She checked in with me periodically this evening to tell me how much homework she had and how things were going...so, I don't really have concerns that she will completely cut me off! I love that girl!)

I also love the little one (even though she does know how to drive me crazy too...the teen started calling her "bug" because she is like a gnat who won't go away! Not that nice, but pretty funny too.) Last night, we went and did one of our favorite things...go Downtown to feed the ducks. We went a different way and found the nice ducks rather than get attacked by the other ones.

She's silly :)

I showed her mom these pictures at the meeting and she was 

freaking out at how close she was to the water...I'm not too much of a

"worrier", although I definitely didn't want her falling in seeing as the 

water was NASTY and I don't know how to swim!

These ones are usually mean and like to "attack" if you have food.

We actually stayed out pretty late...

last night before we have to get up early every day!

So, that's where we stand--the teen started her Junior year, but I had to put in notice for the little one at her school since their mom pretty much refused to take her to that one. Well, all of us have to get up and ready early tomorrow since I work. It was nice having these three days off to recover after all the craziness and I enjoyed my one-on-one with the teen yesterday morning and the little one last night :)

Good night.