How Are You?

After months of getting the daily question "Do you still have your/the girls?", the question has now become "How are you?" As difficult as it is to answer that question, I definitely think it will be harder when people stop asking (as with any personal loss). I appreciate the thoughtfulness of people in all aspects of my life who have taken the risk to ask me that question not knowing how I would react to it. Because, more often than not, it has brought tears to my eyes (and usually a MUCH longer answer than I'm sure they were anticipating...because, you know, I'm a "talker" AND a "crier"...ha!)

The truth, though, is I really don't know how to answer that. One moment I'm at peace knowing how much of a difference I made in their lives. The next minute, I'm angry at their mom for the way she treated them (and me for that matter) and wishing she understood what a gift she has been given. Then, I find myself crying and praying that they are remembering how much I love them and that their mom is allowing them to be sad. I've been keeping busy this week, but didn't realize that the quietness would hit me so soon considering they were gone for half the week all summer long.

This week, I've found myself really missing the teenager. There have been things I've wanted to share with her and she's not here. I've wanted to hear how school was going. I missed her while I watched Parenthood and SVU without her. I miss having a race with the dishes after dinner (she rinsed & I put them in the dishwasher...she almost always won). I miss calling her on my way home from work and having her answer "Joe's store". I miss her completely random stories and useless information she decided was important to share with me. I miss just looking at her and thinking to myself how far she has come, how hard she has worked, and how proud I am of who she is. Oh how I pray that her hopes and dreams aren't shattered now that she has been placed back into an environment that kept her from having the childhood she deserved. Sure, I know that her time in a positive, healthy environment will take her far, but it's hard to give up the control and I miss being able to protect her (guess that means I'm really a mom, right...gotta let the kids find their wings and allow them to fly...ha!)

I did see my therapist on Tuesday and was reminded once again of why I love her so much (more on that talk another time). I had lunch with my cousin today and am about to leave to go to a work bridal shower which is something I would have skipped if there were kids here, so there is one positive (hopefully it's fun...I don't really "hang out" with my co-workers much).

So, there's the answer to "How are you?" for today/this moment. My agency worker sent me a card and also called me. I went and talked to the foster care review board on Tuesday night and they all thought I was an awesome foster mom (j/k!) and asked me to consider joining the board (not sure I'm experienced enough for that after one placement!)

Well, I better go "freshen up" so I look presentable at "Happy Hour" ;)

Until the next time...