Things got even more crazy in the 2 1/2 weeks since I last wrote here. I got an email from the student advocate at Ivy's school, which is also the school where "the teen" is a senior (and where I went to school). Apparently, the teen is failing a number of classes and refuses to go in for help/do extra credit. Calls to her mom go unanswered and she is on a path of not being able to graduate. She asked if maybe I could try talking to her. I'd already been feeling guilty about not staying in touch, feeling resentful that Ivy lives here when I would much rather have her, and that email just sent me over the edge. I cried for hours, but got some great advice, one being simply "it's not your fault". Even though it was hard to swallow, that's the truth...and, also, she could still be acting like this even if I had stayed in touch (and then I would have felt like a failure instead of guilty, so maybe this is better...ha!) So, I figured out a way to arrange to meet her last week for coffee. She has somehow convinced herself that she will pass/graduate and that's all that matters. I'm not sure that's the case or if she just thinks they will make an exception for her (which they won't considering she has refused to put forth any effort). It was really hard seeing her like that, but also not pushing the issue by simply just reminding her how many sacrifices have been made to allow her to attend that school (she paid $50/month plus books to attend this year and someone else picked up the tab on the rest...she went mostly for free last year and her former foster family paid for the first three semesters...so, LOTS of sacrifices!) When she lived here, she had plans to go to the University and make a name for herself...I knew her mom was a "dream stealer", but I thought she had more fight in her than that. I helped her open a bank account last summer when she lived here and made myself the adult on her account since her mom is not responsible with money. Well, that backfired and she constantly sent it into overdraft these past couple of months. Today, I paid off the negative balance ($15.05) and closed it...after I had given her $200 to open it and she worked her tail off last summer with plans to save for college. I miss her so much and pray that some day she will once again realize that her dreams do matter and there can be more to life than living in the projects solely off government assistance. I did get to see her sister for the first time since August. She was really sweet, but also is going to have issues as she will start kindergarten in the fall without having had any sort of structure/schedule for two years.
Such is life post-reunification, right?! :(
This has been a good week with Ivy, but it's still been pretty rough. I had more than a couple of meltdowns and called her guardian last Saturday telling him that I'm not a quitter, but this is really hard. I think one of my big issues is that I didn't know I was signing up for this at all. She has way more issues than I could have imagined and I wasn't planning on being "the one" to give her the skills necessary to live independently. It has been a huge weight and I haven't been in a great place, especially after that "went down" with the teen (and the stuff going on with Zoe which is next). I hate feeling resentful and stressed out all the time. However, I have been asking for help quite a bit and everyone, especially her guardian, understands what a challenge she is. So, he (finally) got her into counseling and she started that a week ago. She likes the therapist and it sounds like they got quite a bit accomplished in the first meeting. We agreed that she's likely depressed (duh, she lost her grandparents, her mom, has no dad, no one in her extended family could/would take her, and she's living with a stranger...yeah, depressing!) and also really immature. She went back on Monday for personality testing, and maybe some other screenings to get more information. I am to go with her next Tuesday. One of her cousins took her shopping on Monday for Prom attire since it's this weekend. She'd been wishy washy about going which was also stressful to me because I have stuff going on this weekend that she technically would be able to attend with me, but I'd rather her not. She doesn't have many friends and couldn't find anyone to go with her. Yesterday, the person she was going to go with bailed, so she had all the stuff and no one to go with, so was pretty bummed. Today, someone else invited her into their group and they had all their plans in place, so now she is excited again. They are girls that I know since they go to my church, so that's cool that they stepped it up and invited her. I'm not sure how that all panned out since she is pretty awkward, but they are all nice girls and will be kind. It's nice to see her excited about things and I hope she does have fun.
Zoe, oh my little 5-year-old ball of energy. She's crazy and doesn't listen well at all, although I definitely try to keep her in line (and try not to yell, but it's really hard some times!) She still gets visits five days a week which is still annoying and makes for a lot of transitions. Maybe it will be better now that she will just come here for her treatment on days that I'm off instead of the extra transition to day care for her treatment and then back to my house. Last week, the case manager apparently accused me of sabotaging reunification and didn't talk to my foster care specialist or to her supervisor, but to the supervisor above her. All that because I nixed the idea of her mom coming to my house for visits?! Come on...a little hard to set boundaries when you don't speak the same language! Then, she tried to get my case manager removed from the case the following day because Zoe's mom thinks she looks mean and she thought she wasn't fair in wondering how/why Zoe's mom doesn't know more English when she's been here over 5 years and her daughter has significant medical needs. In neither case did she speak to us directly about her issues with us which is so childish. I've been bullied a lot in this case which is really frustrating. I didn't DO any of this (give her CF, have her mom be a single parent with limited skills, remove her from her home...), so really don't deserve any of this kind of treatment! Trying to manage her medical needs, her transportation, rearranging schedules when her mom cancels visits at the last minute, etc. is plenty without having other professionals tell me I'm not being patient/open/flexible/understanding enough. With the calls to the supervisor last week, I was nervous about the review hearing that was this past Monday. I hadn't been at all concerned since the next hearing to discuss relative placement isn't until the end of July, but it had me worried they were going to move her in some kind of vindictive move against me and my foster care specialist even though changing placement now would not be in her best interest. Thankfully, it sounds like things at court (mostly) remained professional. It came out that Zoe's mom has a VERY low IQ, so it will be interesting how/if that changes the way things are done/permanency plans. It doesn't really sound like she has enough intelligence to be able to grasp how/why Zoe needs special care. However, I suppose if she finds a stable person to live with, then maybe they will still plan for permanency with her, but they are not planning to review the case for SIX months (but still doing the hearing in July...the relative has kind of been MIA for a few weeks, so that doesn't look all that awesome either, but there is still time).
So, there have been lots of rough patches lately and I've still mostly been taking it day by day (that's all you can do, right?!), but so grateful for all those who help me get through each day (sometimes it takes more than one person to get me through a day!) I'm trying not to feel guilty about the teen and remind myself that she's 18, she had 16+ months of living with my love and encouragement and it is her turn to take that into her life away from here and know that I'm here no matter what (even when it's hard and I have to close her bank account). I've gotten lots of encouragement with the Ivy issue and a friend today told me that my job is mostly to model how a happy successful adult behaves and taking breaks from her (and Zoe) is part of that. Her guardian told me something similar. I'm looking forward to Zoe being out of school and hopefully am given the opportunity to spend more quality time with her and work on her behaviors/language skills that will make kindergarten tough if they remain the same. (Not so excited about Ivy being out of school for the summer, but hopefully she will have activities to keep her busy too!)
Hopefully I can write the post that's in my head related to community some time soon (even though this post included some of my thoughts).
Until the next time...
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