They Are Home

Tonight, I brought the girls (and a car filled to the brim with their things) to go live with their mom and their siblings. I'm not sure it will actually feel "real" until a week or so passes and they don't come back. The teen didn't have time to pack all her things and I'm pretty sure she has close to a car full left here. So, I will pick her up from school on Monday to bring her here to pack the rest (she also said she'd clean her room...maybe her bathroom too ;) ).

It was an exhausting week since I worked four out of five days (Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday), had appointments all day Tuesday, and worked at the pumpkin patch all day yesterday. But, we managed to have a good week, making as many memories as time allowed. The park pictures are actually from last week and the pumpkin patch pictures are from today.

Right now, I'm doing okay. I cried intermittently throughout the week. I had countless people asking me how I was doing which was really nice and appreciated, but I did sort of get tired of crying every time. I don't know what our future relationship will look like, but in some ways (if we are able to maintain contact) it could be better since it will be on their terms and not fighting hard to get back home. Their mom did say "thank you for everything" when I dropped them off which I'll take (since I was really annoyed that we hadn't heard a single word from her since she decided last Friday she wanted them back today...together, not the little one first like everyone else thought would be best). 

I haven't had a chance to watch the recording of Sara (Gitzen Girl)'s memorial service from last night and missed out on her funeral that was Wednesday. It has been so cool to see how many lives she touched! It seems like Sara was one of those people who made EVERYONE feel like she was their best friend...what a great trait to have! Anyway, I have been "tweeting" with her friends Tam and Alece who live in Nashville and am thinking about going there in a couple weeks with hopes to "hang out" with them (and see my "other mom" and relatives). I tried to make sure that this wasn't an attempt to run away from my problems, but I'm thinking of it more as having something to look forward to. For YEARS I went on vacation for my birthday and "missed" last year since I had two kids. So, it isn't completely out of character to travel on my birthday and I got a "blessing" from my mom to go (although she doesn't know about the "Internet people" portion of the trip...ha!) :) Now I need to figure out the details and just go for it.

Funny story from tonight that I want to remember and then I need to go to bed: I brought the girls to a restaurant that for some reason has been our "favorite" and we've gone to more than half a dozen times before bringing them to their mom. For some reason we had like three different waitresses come to our table (I think one was in training). The one who brought the bill asked if we were paying together or separate. We were in a booth with the little one next to me and the teen across from us. I tried not to laugh when I said just one check. Then, the teen and I cracked up when she left to get it. Then, she put the check much closer to the teen than to me which only made us laugh harder. I'm wondering what was going through her mind because obviously she didn't see me as the "adult" with these two kids. But, whose kid did she think the little one was? Neither of us? Hers? Mine? It makes me laugh thinking about it

Pretty sure I'll be back here more often than I have been...until the next time, good night.

Finding My Words

Ever since I read the words on Sara's blog last Wednesday saying that hospice had been brought into her home and her days left here would be few, I have been trying to find my words. That post came two days after I found out that my foster daughters could go home and their days left here in my home would also be few.

Every time I thought maybe I'd be able to find the words, I'd read another beautiful post by one of her friends (like Alece, Mandy and Shannon). I bawled reading this post and even though I kept reminding myself that I just needed to speak from my heart and be myself, I just couldn't do it. Even though this post put into words how you can be so incredibly sad to lose someone that you've never actually "met" (thank you social media), I still struggled. I was thankful for the nearly 700 comments on that post last Wednesday and the well over 100 links on this post to help me not feel so crazy to feel this way about someone I never actually met. I know that my family and friends who live here would NEVER understand, but I'm so grateful to have friends who do.

Finally, I'm sitting in a quiet house with a Green Apple Smirnoff and going to attempt to find some words to share.

I was trying to remember when and how I first came to know Sara (Gitzen Girl). However, I really can't remember. I think either it's one of those things that happened that didn't seem significant at the time, but ended up being something much bigger or something so "fabulous" that I can't remember my life without her blog in it ;)

I did do a little "research" and it appears that the first post I wrote that mentioned her was in February of 2009 in this post. It appears that the first time I actually left a comment on her blog was that same month on this post which is actually a very funny "Flashback Friday" about when she had someone get her chicken on a Friday during Lent since it "wasn't meat"...one of the many reasons people love Sara :)

The month after that, Sara was doing something called "Hump Day Giveaways" which again is super funny because who doesn't enjoy saying "Hump Day Giveaway"?! ;) I left a comment on this post, found out the following day I was a winner, and wrote a rather boastful post on my blog to celebrate. That canvas now hangs in my kitchen and it is a gift I will treasure forever.


In April 2010, I wrote about "bringing Sara" to Holy Week services with me and how that made it that much more special (FYI the rest of that post is really boring and all over the place, but I did write about that ;) ) Knowing Sara and her "circumstances" definitely helped change my views on a lot of things...I open the windows more, I play in the rain more, take more time to look at flowers and listen to nature, and hope I take less of my life and its blessings for granted.


In June 2010, I was completely "star struck" after being included in Gitz Bits (I sent her "Glee Gum") and had begun to refer to myself as a "Gitzen Girl Groupie" (or THE Gitzen Girl Groupie...excuse me ;) ) That was the month I became a foster parent and I was on the receiving end of many prayers and much love and support in that decision and the journey that followed.

The following month, Sara's dad died suddenly and I wrote in this (very long) post that I had read it while I was at work and was so sad for her, especially since she was unable to really be with her whole family during that time. A month or two ago, I shared with her that she and her parents were in one of my dreams. I wish I could get my twitter feed back that far since I don't remember everything, but I remember making some kind of comment to her dad about "checking out early" and he had some kind of sarcastic remark since obviously mine was a bit out of line...she told me that was the kind of response I would have gotten from him. There was more in that dream that I can't remember now, but I am glad I was able to share some of it with her.


In September, 2010, the "little one" (my then 3-year-old foster daughter) and I found this video.



I can't even tell you how many times we watched it or how many nights in a row she asked to "see Sara". I've watched it a few times this past week too because I have also wanted to "see Sara". This is the closest I ever really came to "seeing" her. We made plans to Skype a few times last fall, but it never worked out with her health/our schedules. Last September was the first time I remember telling her that "for real" seeing and/or talking to her was on my "Bucket List"...she laughed and/or made fun of me every time I said it (her exact words in a tweet were "oh my word, I'm not bucket list material, woman! Riley, maybe :)" ) The last tweet I could find from her was about six weeks ago before Jessica's visit. She was SO excited about that visit and I told her I was jealous of Jessica (no offense...she responded that I was jealous of the wrong person!) I reminded her of my "Bucket List" and she responded "we'll get that checked off someday, girl. then you can aim higher :)" Totally Sara :)

In October 2010, I participated in my first (and only) "Take Five Friday" and in December, I linked up to my one (and only) "You: Create" link-up. I was inspired to make a canvas for my teenage foster daughter's 16th birthday. Sara helped me figure out what to put on it by suggesting song lyrics. I decided to use lyrics from Lady Antebellum's song "I Was Here"--"I know it's my destiny to leave more than a trace of myself in this place." Those are some powerful words and I definitely know Sara is leaving WAY more than a trace of herself in this place.

I'm not sure why my "research" didn't find any posts from 2011, but I think it's because 2011 had more "tweets" and blog comments exchanged than anything else. Sara may have been a "big name blogger", but she had a way of making everyone feel like they were the most important person in the world to her. She prayed for you, she rejoiced with you, she cried with you, she was a cheerleader and a devoted friend and family member. In response to a comment I left on one of her (in)courage posts back in May, she told me "hi, sweet girl. you are doing such an amazing with those girls, and I know they will treasure these memories just as much as you do. much love!" That was written just a few days before I thought the girls were going home. Now, as I am just days away of them "for real" going home, they are exactly the words I need to hear. That is Sara...one of the many things about her that will be missed...

Hopefully my struggle to find my words wasn't too painful for anyone else to read, but this blog has always been for me and I want to remember this. It is a little "linky crazy", but at least all (or most) of my "Sara posts" will be in one place whenever I need a reminder to "Choose Joy". Sara is more precious to me than words can say. I regret that there are cards I bought for her that never were sent. I wish I really would have hopped in my car one day and drove to see her (honestly, I was more afraid of any "funky stuff" that I carried on me from being a pediatric nurse than afraid of being seen as a "crazy lady" for randomly showing up on her doorstep!) I'm not sure Sara ever could have met a stranger who didn't soon become her friend...and that is why there are "strangers" all over the world grieving over the fact that this world is losing an amazing person while also celebrating that in Heaven she will be free of the pain she faced on this Earth. Sara, you will be missed, but know that your legacy will live on in each and every person who has read your words, heard your story, been on the receiving end of a tweet/email/blog comment, etc. Who knew that a farm girl from Iowa who couldn't leave her condo could do so much good...only God...and I am SO very blessed that God chose me to be a part of it too. Thank you Sara. And, if any of her family happens upon this post...thanks for sharing Sara with all of us...my thoughts and prayers are with you at this time.


Update: Just as I was putting the finishing touches on this post, drinking the last sip of my Green Apple Smirnoff, Sara was taking her last breath. I woke up at 6:00 this morning to get ready for work and saw the posts on twitter. I haven't exactly had time to process since I need to leave for work very shortly, but will be praying for her family and all who love her. I found a scrub top to wear to work that has hearts and stars and the words "Love", "Peace", and "Joy"...I will remember to "Choose Joy".


Also, if you clicked here from Jessica's site and were curious about the red square thumbnail...well, it was supposed to be this--a picture (from my phone) of my canvas on the wall in my kitchen. However, I obviously had some major technological difficulties and had no clue how to fix it ;)

We Have a Date

The caseworker met with mom today at noon to see how things were going with the boys and talk about transitioning the girls. We were all hopeful that the little one could go back first and then the teen a week or two after that. However, apparently mom was very opposed to that (I wasn't at the meeting, but the caseworker said she tried). So, both girls will be going home next Friday, September 30...nearly 16 months since they spent their first night here. I'm kind of numb at this point, but thankful that I have a week to prepare and very grateful for the extra time I was given with them. The caseworker told me she would be making frequent unannounced visits and told my agency worker she would be diligently checking school attendance records. I let them both know that I would be on the "safety plan" and I'm hopeful that we will remain in contact. I know that I need to establish clear boundaries and stick to them, so will need to spend some time thinking and praying about what things I would and would not be willing to do.

I was off all week long (I was called off on Monday and work the weekend), so we were able to spend some extra time together that I also wasn't anticipating. I'm going to say this is a good thing rather than thinking it will make the quietness even louder after being here all the time. I would appreciate your prayers for all of us during this next week and the days and weeks to follow as we adjust to the next phase of our lives.

Here is the Friday update on Sara (Gitzen Girl). She was in my dreams last night, so I thought maybe she had already passed away, but as of early this afternoon, she was resting, but holding on.

This Place

I have been trying and trying to get myself back to this place to write down all that's in my heart and on my mind. I love this place, this place where I have written about the ups and the downs and everything in between for over four years now. However, I haven't been able to make it here for one reason or another. It's been a week and a half since I found out the Judge said the girls could go home. It's been a week since I found out that Sweet Sara was entering hospice care and would be leaving this Earth much sooner than anyone who knows her would like. I've been trying to find the words, but every time I think I'm ready something happens and I can't get to this place to write. This emotional roller coaster ride I have been on for the past week and half has not been fun, but I don't want to ask to get off it because I'm afraid I won't like what's at the end.

So, one of these days (tomorrow, hopefully?!) I will write my "Gitzen Girl Groupie" post.

Tomorrow morning, the girls' mom goes back to court. I'm not sure why or what will be said, but she texted me at 8:00 tonight asking me to bring the girls with me. The teen is going to school, but I said I'd bring the little one. She's lucky I took the day off work to go or she wouldn't have been able to have her little one there to show everyone that she's Mother of the Year. I thought maybe I'd have another week with the little one, but now I'm not sure what's going to happen.

I was trying to use a coupon for a free book on $hutterfly that expires in a couple of hours and make the second edition of a memory book for the little one (with pictures from May until now since the first one is June 2010-May 2011). However, I'm thinking I need to rest up for tomorrow and will just have to pay for it when it's finished. Maybe I'll use the free coupon to get a copy of the first memory book for me to have.

It feels so nice to come back to this place...I have so much more that I want to/need to write, but it will have to wait for another day.

Good night.

9/22/11/ 1100 PM
Court update: Their mom texted me about 7:30 this morning to let me know that her aunt didn't think it would be appropriate for the little one to go to court and she should go to school. That was a relief to me and probably the best idea for everyone. Mom's lawyer didn't show up, so there wasn't actually a hearing (it was supposed to be a "review" anyway). The court report (from last week) stands and the girls can go home, but we are working out the details on when that is going to happen. The caseworkers will meet with mom tomorrow to see how things are going with her. I am anticipating that the little on will go home on the 30th and the teen 1-3 weeks after that. When court was over, their mom asked me for a ride home. Apparently, she didn't have money for the bus and had to borrow money from a friend to get there. Of course I gave her a ride because I'm not about to cause any tension or rifts between us for the sake of the kids and their best interest. The caseworker told me she is going to be making a number of unannounced visits to see how things are going, so that makes me feel better about them going home. Also, it sounds like I can be included in the "safety plan" (I'm not 100% clear on what this is, but apparently it is a legal document that says the girls can come to me if they need to after they go home...I will get a copy of it so know what it means.)


The girls continue to do great...the little one and I went to the park after dinner, the teen and I watched SVU and Parenthood after the little one was in bed. We are making the most of the time we have been given and will have many treasured memories from this time...been thinking a lot about Sara and all she has taught me...I'll get my post written one of these days when I find the words and make the time.

Choose Joy

Right now, I have no words besides this...

Not Home Yet

Quick update:
I did quite a bit of crying yesterday, but like I mentioned yesterday (or think I did), they aren't all tears of sadness. I told the teen about the court order when she got out of school and reiterated that I will ALWAYS be here for her and reminded her that I am VERY proud of her and so blessed to have been given this time with her. She didn't react positively or negatively to the news and I think it helped that I left the house for a while after telling her so she could process without anyone else around. Both caseworkers called me back AFTER I talked to her (one was on "vacation" and the other was out sick). There already was a family team meeting scheduled for today at 10, so that was "perfect timing" :)

Unfortunately, I was scheduled to work today, so had to call in sick in order to attend the meeting and find out the plan. Me being "out" left the floor short-staffed which only made me feel guilty for a split second which is "progress" for me. I knew where I needed to be today and it was not at work.

While I was driving to the meeting, I thought I was going to vomit. I was the first one there and the meeting started a bit late after everyone arrived. It was immediately obvious that their mom had no clue the Judge had ruled her kids could go home and I think that helped a TON in how the meeting went. We were able to "chit chat" for about 20 minutes before it came out that her kids could go home. Thankfully, she was "on board" with a sort of transition since apparently she could have said she wanted them all back today and there wasn't much anyone could do about it.

The decision was made that their brothers would officially go home on Friday. Mom and the caseworkers will meet a week after that to evaluate how things are going. Then, the girls will go home (or, possibly the little one for a bit and then the teen, but none of this has been worked out). So, I will have them here until at least September 23 (besides weekend visits).

Tonight we had the opportunity to go to the last minor league baseball game (I think it was maybe our fifth one of the season :) ). We all had a fun time as we always do at sporting events :) I'm thankful that the relationship I have with the teen has not changed since I told her she was going home. She is still chatty as ever telling me all about school and her friends (yes, I know I'm lucky/blessed!) I would be VERY surprised (and really sad) if she doesn't remain in contact with me on a fairly regular basis. We talk all the time and I think she will miss that as much as I do (or almost anyway!)

So, that's the update. I have to work tomorrow, so better head to bed :)
Good night.

15 Months Plus 1 Week

The girls have been living here for 15 months plus 1 week (their first night here was June 5, 2010). This morning, I received a call from the GAL that the court report came back and the Judge said the kids can go home. We have waited nearly 17 weeks for that report, but it still came as a shock and brought me to tears (and many more tears in the 2 hours since). She is hoping there will be a slow transition, but I'm not sure how much control she has now that the report says "home". I haven't talked to my agency worker or the caseworker to find out anything. There is/was a scheduled Family Team Meeting for tomorrow, so hopefully the girls won't go home tonight and we can have that meeting tomorrow to discuss details. I was scheduled to work, but am going to call in sick so I can find out the plan and hopefully participate in the planning. I hope I can make it through without crying because it isn't all sadness...I've been preparing for this day since I decided to become a foster parent. There are so many times during these past 15 months that I thought they were going home and they didn't. So, hearing those words did seem to come "out of the blue" since we've been waiting so long for them. However, that didn't make it any easier to hear. Just before getting that call, though, I was at Curves talking to the owner and she said "it's almost like you have come to the conclusion that your 'work' with them is done and it's time to 'move on' to the next stage". I agree...the post that has been in my head that never made it here was about "independence" and how I have given that to both of them (and been given some myself too) so they are now prepared to face whatever comes. I am very proud of myself and them for how much we have grown during these past 15 months.

More to come...

Summer 2010 

(my most used picture of them on this blog ;) )

Summer 2011

Fifteen Months

Tomorrow marks fifteen months since the girls spent their first night here. At that time, they had already been living in foster care for five months and I was basically told to expect a pretty short placement. I thought they were going home a year ago, nine months ago, six months ago, fifteen weeks ago...and yet here they still are. We love our time together and have so many memories (and HUNDREDS of pictures) from these fifteen months. However, this back and forth and the unknown is "starting" to get pretty old. Granted, I still think their mom's "mothering" leaves much to be desired, but they have already spent 20 months living apart from their siblings and I have a hard time saying that is "right". She frustrates me and disappoints me, but I honestly think that it is probably time to "move on" to the next phase of our relationship where I will hopefully be a mentor/support to them for the rest of our lives.

Here is a slide show of pictures from August which include a trip to the park, a trip Downtown to feed the ducks, a birthday celebration, and a baseball game.

The teen was having WAY too much fun taking horrible pictures of me at the baseball game. She thought it was hilarious. I wasn't 100% excited about them and really could have chosen not to put them on my blog, but I want to remember everything from this time, so here ya go ;)

Yesterday, I spent the day with one of my mom's sisters. She fixed a couple of the little one's outfits and then invited me to go to a football watching party with her, my uncle, and their friends. I wasn't expecting that and hadn't showered, but went anyway and had a really fun time. Before the game, she and I had a really nice visit and she let me "vent" about a lot of things (mostly frustrations with my family). I shared with her my disappointment that even after fifteen months, the girls are still kind of "extras" to my mom. We changed our birthday celebration plans mostly due to my mom expressing that two "extras" made a fancy dinner kind of expensive. It's hard for me to see how my sister having three people in her family and me having three people in my family is different, but I guess to her it is. Also, I tried not to be disappointed when the little one opened her birthday gift from my parents to find colored pencils and post-it notes. I realize that it really is the thought that counts and she was excited anyway, but they never would have gotten something like that for my nephew (today we went and had pedicures and she shared that they bought him a "roller coaster" as an early Christmas present). I know that all parents just do the best they can and there always is some kind of "sibling rivalry" even with the best of parents, so I'm trying very hard not to take things personally. It was very nice to have someone in the family to talk to as well as having this blog (and scheduled appointments to see my therapist and my spiritual director this week are coming at the perfect time) to vent.

Well, I'm not sure what is going on with the formatting today, but hopefully this isn't too hard to read. Last weekend, I ripped out the carpet in my living room and found some beautiful oak floors. Today I hope to paint the baseboards because they are getting refinished on Thursday and Friday. I bought new couches too and am VERY excited to see how everything all comes together (and proud of myself for doing almost everything by myself!) For sure there will be pictures when it's all done. The girls' mom expressed interest in having my old couch, so hopefully she will come through and pick it up on Tuesday to have that done (I offered her a bed back in January and that is still sitting in my basement...she says she still wants it).

Until the next time...

Some Days

Some days are just harder than others. Tonight was one of those hard foster parent nights that left me crying buckets of tears and I'm not sure they are finished. However, I have to get up in seven hours, so need to go to sleep (crying wears me out too!)

See, tonight was "Back to School Night" at the teen's school. I told her mom when it was, I made sure she had the paper with the date/time, and am sure I mentioned it to her again at some point. Even though when I asked the teen last night if her mom was going, she nearly laughed at me and told me "no", I still was hopeful. I wanted her to go. I decided that "when" she got there, I would tell her I was glad she was there and then leave, giving her full opportunity to meet her daughters teachers and tell them whatever she wanted. I stood by the door for fifteen minutes with her schedule in hand just waiting to hand it over to her, trying very hard not to be upset if she didn't come.

When the bell rang to head to the first class, I knew she wasn't coming. Well, I probably knew when I got up this morning that she wasn't going to go, but I didn't want to believe it. I wasn't holding my breath, but I definitely had hope that she would "show up" for her daughter. We spent about 10 minutes in each class period with the teacher talking about expectations, grading, etc. I made it to fifth period and heard her teacher tell me how awesome she did on her presentation, and was nearly unable to hold back the tears (those came later). The project was "Me in a Box" and apparently the teen talked a lot about me, my family, and her sister as she presented to the class who she is. I was told by multiple teachers that she is doing great and also that they can tell by the things she says that I am "special" to her. Everyone thinks she is terrific and it warmed this Mom's heart to hear all these wonderful things about this girl I care about so much.

However, that just made things worse for me emotionally thinking that HER Mom should have been there to hear those things. Her Mom should know how hard she works and how far she has come. Her Mom  should have come to see what that school is all about, what a special place it is, and how much of a difference it, and the people there, are making in her daughter's life. Her daughter is amazing, she really is. She takes everything in stride and it didn't seem to phase her that her mom wasn't planning to go tonight. I suppose I am grateful that it hurt me more than it hurt her, but it is incredibly sad to me.

And so, when the night was over, I found myself crying with five of the teachers, three of whom were mine when I went there. They assured me that I am doing a good job and the teen will always know that I am here for her. Of course, they all wish she could stay with me "forever", but I don't think that is what is to be...and am not even convinced that that is the way it "should" be. However, I do have faith that God has a plan, and am continuing to trust that things will work out the way they are "supposed" to. And, apparently her time living here is not over yet.

Some days are just harder than others...such is life I guess.

Good night.

Busy Busy

Eventually (hopefully, maybe!) I'll write about the little one's fourth birthday celebration, but for now, here are some pictures from Thursday (her birthday was Saturday). We had fun :)

I'll also eventually (hopefully, maybe!) write about my weekend of ripping up my living room carpet and finding some amazing wood floors underneath (and post some pictures).

But, for now, I think it's time to go to bed and gear up for another week of fostermotherhood, since I'm not optimistic that "fourteen weeks" is the magic number to get some answers. The girls are good, I'm doing well, their mom is still irritating, but I'm still seeking "permanency" for them. Tomorrow night is "Back to School Night" at the teen's school. I asked her if her mom was going and she said she didn't think so, which is just "awesome", but I'll be there either way.

Had a busy day at work (all of my patients were teenage girls...fun times!) and after a busy weekend and busy first full week of school last week, I'm beat! But, wanted to check in in case anyone is "worried" about me or wondering what's going on around here.

Night :)

Still Waiting

If my count is correct, we have been waiting over 13 weeks for the Judge to give us any sort of report stating her thoughts/views/plans for this case. Thirteen weeks of living in limbo, not knowing when that report will come or what it will say. I try not to dwell on it or I would be nuts by now, but it's definitely something that is hard to ignore. Every day, at least one person asks if I still have the girls. Every day, I do the "long story short" version where I say we are still waiting, but having fun while it lasts; I think their mom is "ready" (or as ready as she will be); and, as hard as it is to say, I think they need to go home.

However, I'm having one of those weeks where it makes me sad that they are going back to a mom "like that" (or, sad that they were given a mom "like that"). After paying for the teen's books so she could go to her same school and getting her a new uniform, she texted me on Friday to ask if I'd send some of the little one's "WIC" stuff. I'm not one who really gets angry, but seeing those words on my cell phone really bothered me. For WEEKS, probably months, maybe EVERY week, I "slipped" something into the little one's bag. Whether it was a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, or some juice, I knew she (and the kids) could use it. It wasn't something spoken or written about, I just did it and she used it. I did it because I felt it in my heart that it was the "right" thing to do, but that text showed me that it became an expectation and I don't like that! Unfortunately/fortunately, I was at work when I received the text and had already put juice and peanut butter in the little one's bag. So, that's what I told her and she said "great". We haven't heard from her since (out of sight, out of mind...). Now, I have no idea what I'll do this week, but I think I'm done sending stuff for a while. She's only taking them two days a week now and I have them five, so she should be able to figure out food.

Speaking of the visit change, this week has felt REALLY long and it's only Wednesday! For three months, the girls had visits from Saturday morning through Tuesday evening. Starting this week, they went Friday evening through Sunday evening. So, I had them Monday and Tuesday for the first time in three months making today feel like the end of the week rather than the middle. Our schedule is off with school starting for the teen last Thursday and getting into a bed time-wake time routine. The little one has been quite grouchy since I don't think she's getting enough sleep, so we need to remedy that quickly!

Another visit "issue" is that their mom has started having all sorts of different people drop the girls off at my house after visits. This week, they came without her with someone I've never seen. I "mentioned" it to the new worker and she said something to their mom. Of course, their mom said I was being "difficult", but thankfully the caseworker said she needs to know who is around the girls and people need to be background checked. This random driver stuff is almost as annoying as the asking for WIC stuff! I have allowed them to be dropped off at my house, but I don't want everyone she's ever met to know where I live! Anyway, she wouldn't have to find rides like that if they weren't in foster care, so I'll give her that much, but it is still bothersome.

The teen seems to be doing well at the start of her Junior Year, but is already very busy. Tomorrow marks one week since school started and I believe she has had three quizzes, a project, and two papers due plus quite a bit of homework. She seems to like her classes and I haven't heard her complain about any teachers. In fact, she's told me all sorts of good things about them and I'm really, really happy she was able to continue at this school. She talks my ear off every day about what they learned, what funny things happened, and how everything is going with her homework/tests/projects. I feel very blessed that she trusts me enough to talk to me so much about school. Tonight, she showed me her English paper four or five times to get my input/assistance. Last year, it was a struggle for her to "allow" me to help her and there were a LOT of tears during first quarter (it's late, but maybe I'll have to go back and look at some of those posts, even though I bet they will make me sad.) Her confidence and self-respect have grown so much and I love that I have been given this time with her. It does make me sad to think about her not having "someone" (me) there to help her with her projects and papers. I will obviously remind her that I'll always be here for her, but it won't be the same. Her teachers will also be there to help, but that isn't the same either...

Lots of ups and downs emotionally for me (and likely them too) as we sit and wait, but not really sit because there is fun to be had and memories to be made.

Tomorrow we are celebrating the little one's birthday since her birthday is Saturday and she'll be at her mom's. I'm sure there will be pictures :)

Good night.

Where We Stand

While I still feel like I'm living "The Crazy Life", the past couple of days have been less stressful. The girls' mom met with the administration at the school on Tuesday as scheduled (she did realize an hour before the meeting that it would be a good idea to drop the girls off while she was already in the neighborhood...at that point, it was humorous since I'd realized the night before it would "make sense" to do that). She called me from the meeting to see if I could pay for books since she was taking care of tuition. I wasn't really prepared for that, but felt my requested prayers for wisdom as I calmly was able to come up with what I still think was the best solution. I told her that I didn't really have $500 to pay for books. She said they shouldn't be as much this year. I let her know that I would pay for them, but she would have to meet me part or half-way at some point when she can, so it isn't all my responsibility. I told her that I wouldn't expect anything right away, but as she has funds, I would appreciate getting some help. She said "like an I owe you", and I said that I guess so, but it isn't something I will talk about all the time. Now, maybe I will never ask her for money (books were $249 and a new uniform was $69), but I don't feel badly having that sort of hanging over her head (if it really is hanging over her head...I'm not sure). I'm a little concerned that she won't figure out how to pay the $100/month negotiated tuition she agreed to pay, but that is out of my control. I do, however, think it will be a little more difficult for her to "flake out" and have the teen transfer schools now that she has already started.

I'm blogging the paying for books part so I remember it, not to show myself as a "martyr" or anything like that. In fact, I am not planning on telling anyone about our "arrangement". I think I did say something to the service coordinator, but didn't give her all of the details and won't plan on bringing it up again. She said she is going to be on mom's case each month to make sure she is paying tuition.

We had our family team meeting this morning at their mom's apartment. In attendance were the therapist (who seems to think they don't need any more family therapy), the new service coordinator (I like her!), and the covering agency worker (I love my agency worker, but it was okay having another set of eyes/ears in there who isn't worn out from this case), and myself. I guess the GAL was not able to come. It would have been nice if she had been there, but the service coordinator was going to contact her to give her an update. It was actually one of our more productive meetings. Of course, their mom continues to insist that she is an awesome parent who puts her kids first which is laughable, but I still believe the kids will be safe when they go home, so there isn't as much to question about reunification happening. Yes, it is very frustrating that the girls seem to be "out of sight out of mind" when they are here since she very rarely tries to contact them by phone (she did call the teen when she was sick, which is good!) Equally frustrating/sad is the fact that she opted to change visits from Saturday morning through Tuesday evening to Friday night to Sunday night (2 days/2 nights rather than 4 days/3 nights) since she wouldn't/couldn't commit to getting the girls to/from school. Basically, she loves the foster mom the boys have, but I'm a pain in her @$$ trying to make her be responsible/accountable...she definitely pointed that out during the meeting. So sorry...I have a full time job AND take very good care of your children.

All of us are frustrated that it has been over 12 weeks since court and still no word on what the judge's plan is. They have been having consistent visits that whole time, so it would be nice if someone could submit an "addendum" or something so this doesn't continue to be dragged out unnecessarily (it already has been for long enough!) I am going to miss having these girls living here SO much, but I also understand that there are things I cannot give them. Even if they end up being taken care of by aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents along with their mom, they will be "ok" and know that I will always be here for them. (When I picked the teen up after her first day of school today, she told me every single thing that happened today from start to finish including a recap of the entire welcome assembly. She checked in with me periodically this evening to tell me how much homework she had and how things were going...so, I don't really have concerns that she will completely cut me off! I love that girl!)

I also love the little one (even though she does know how to drive me crazy too...the teen started calling her "bug" because she is like a gnat who won't go away! Not that nice, but pretty funny too.) Last night, we went and did one of our favorite things...go Downtown to feed the ducks. We went a different way and found the nice ducks rather than get attacked by the other ones.

She's silly :)

I showed her mom these pictures at the meeting and she was 

freaking out at how close she was to the water...I'm not too much of a

"worrier", although I definitely didn't want her falling in seeing as the 

water was NASTY and I don't know how to swim!

These ones are usually mean and like to "attack" if you have food.

We actually stayed out pretty late...

last night before we have to get up early every day!

So, that's where we stand--the teen started her Junior year, but I had to put in notice for the little one at her school since their mom pretty much refused to take her to that one. Well, all of us have to get up and ready early tomorrow since I work. It was nice having these three days off to recover after all the craziness and I enjoyed my one-on-one with the teen yesterday morning and the little one last night :)

Good night.

Crazy Life

I've been super busy since my last post. My house is a disaster and I should be either cleaning or going to bed since I'm also completely exhausted. But, I wanted to "check in" so I can write about this crazy life I'm living...

I was pretty much recovered from my "bad adult decision" by the time I went back to work on Wednesday. Wednesday wasn't too crazy busy, but I was emotional because of the events that occurred my previous shift and not thinking it would be that appropriate to discuss since there will be a "root cause analysis" which completely stinks.

My parents had two seventeen-year-old girls from Japan stay with them from Tuesday until today. Since I was off on Thursday, that was "my day" to take them. So, the teen and I took them to the mall. We walked around everywhere and took them out to lunch.

Thursday night, the teen, the little one, and I all went to a meeting at my agency. It was mandatory for all foster parents to discuss the foster parent-biological parent relationship. There was day care for the little one and the teen got service hours for school to help with the kids. It was a really good meeting with a nice discussion. Basically, the protocol for new placements will be that there is phone contact between parents within 24 hours and a face-to-face meeting within 7 days. There was some "heartburn" about this, but after discussion, it does sound like something that is beneficial for all involved--both sets of parents AND the child. As much as the girls' mom drives me crazy and some of the decisions she has made (and continues to make) leave me heartbroken, she is still their mom and it is important that her kids see us working together (or at least APPEAR to be working together). There is so much more about this, but is going to have to be for another post (I inadvertently put my Social Worker friend into a position where she was basically attacked by people who didn't think it was/is important for foster parents to have some sort of relationship/communication with biological parents...sorry again!)

Friday, I went back to work and since we were kind of short staffed, I had to take one more patient than we usually take, so it was a busy day and my legs were already tired from the trip to the mall! I also found out that the teen's mom called her school, said she didn't have any money for tuition, and that was that. I finally got in touch with the new service coordinator and told it her would be really nice to know where the teen was going to school seeing as HER school starts Thursday, but all the OTHER schools in town start on Monday...she was going to try and set up a family team meeting for Tuesday to discuss school stuff and visitation since it has not yet been proven that mom can get kids to and from school. Again, something that would have been nice to discuss a MONTH ago!

Saturday, the girls left for their visit. I texted their mom to say they were on their way and reminded her about the teen's doctor appointment on Monday that SHE had to get her to. She acted like she forgot which really wasn't funny and then had to tell me about all her aches/pains/problems AND also about some fancy party she was going to attend. Sometimes her narcissism is REALLY annoying. My parents and I brought the Japanese girls to an outside mall and walked a ton. Then, my dad and I brought them to see Cowboys and Aliens which was pretty violent (for PG-13) and a little scary, but he wanted a movie with not a lot of dialogue since their English wasn't THAT great.

Sunday, I had to go BACK to work and really felt like my feet were going to fall off after two trips to malls in flip-flops and two 12-hour shifts. I had a good shift, though, which was nice :)

Today, I woke up feeling like crap because I was so anxious about the day. I had my performance evaluation and had to plead my case for them to give me an "Above Standard" rather than a "Meets Standard" which was not fun and of course I cried, because I always cry (I cried this time when they were questioning me about my peer relationships because I don't feel my peers "get" me...which is one reason this blog is anonymous...this is the "real me" and I'm not questioned for that. Then, I cried when I heard all the super nice things people wrote about me and realized that maybe I am respected more than I think I am.) I was also anxious that I wouldn't be able to attend a meeting of a committee I really enjoy because management didn't seem to be 100% supportive which is very annoying...they made it work and I'm feeling better about that.

I was super nervous that the girls' mom wouldn't get the teen to her appointment, but when I called the clinic to make sure she didn't cancel, they had just checked in...what a relief! Our Family Team Meeting was scheduled for tomorrow at noon. Then, I got a voice mail from the worker that mom is going to meet with the school at that time, so now the meeting is on Thursday at 10. Hopefully the teen will be at school (and the little one too). I believe this is the first time that worker will meet their mom (and my agency worker is on leave, so the first time her covering worker meets her too)...they are in for a treat ;) Apparently, she is really going to push her to be responsible, which is the first time anyone has really done that in 20 months, so I hope she is successful! She is going to watch their school attendance VERY closely (the teen had perfect attendance last year and it sounds like she may have had minimal attendance in the semester prior to entering care). Since their mom is going to be at a meeting at the school at noon and the school is less than a mile from my house, I wonder if she will drop the girls off early... That totally makes sense since she will be in my neighborhood, but she has proven that she doesn't always do things that "make sense" and noon is still over 12 hours away, so she has time to "communicate" with me before then.

So, it's been crazy and I still #1) have no idea where the teen is going to school #2) have no idea when we will get a court report and find out when they are going home and #3) have no idea when they are going to do the "root cause analysis" at work and question me about everything that happened "that day". So, I'm trying not to go crazy and just trust that God has things under control while praying for wisdom and peace to accept whatever comes...

One more night alone before the girls come back...I'm not sure how I will get used to this quiet again (every once in a while is very nice, but night after night will be REALLY weird!) Time for bed.

Good night.

Heartbreaking

While I was feeling a lot better today (although I traded hangover for cramps, that really IS better...), there is still a lot going on inside, and maybe I shouldn't have canceled my therapy appointment, but some of it I can talk out here too. I continue to be haunted by the images I witnessed on Sunday and the events of the day are playing over and over in my head. I still need to "write my notes", but right now things are really fresh in my mind and I just didn't make the time to write them down. I am a little nervous about what I will have to face at work tomorrow, knowing that the last time I was there, a patient I cared for died. It is heartbreaking, but thankfully there have been enough "rewards" in the past nine years that I can't imagine doing anything else.

The teen is still sick and has been sleeping for four days. After the agency worker left (she said I should probably take her to the doctor if she continues this way), I called the doctor's office and talked to a nurse. I had her review the teen's labs (since I never got to see them...remember, I was in the middle of a circus). She said that everything looked fine, but this is kind of going on for a while. However, she said the the phenergan will make her REALLY tired, so if she has been taking it around the clock, which she has, then that explains a lot. So, I told the teen to start backing off the meds a little bit so she can be awake and try to eat something, since some of the pain could be related to not eating much in days. I'm not sure how much is actually still being sick, how much is anxiety with everything going on (school starts next week and we have no clue where she will be living...), and how much is the attention she is getting from me (although her mom did actually call her twice today, which is a nice surprise). I am hoping she is better tomorrow not only for her sake (because having a sick kid, even a teenager, is a bit heartbreaking), but because I don't have time to take her to the doctor!

I got a call from their mom a little after 10:00 while I was working out. I called her when I was done. She told me the little one woke up crying and she didn't feel well, and had a low fever (even though she doesn't have a thermometer). She had on her whiny voice, reminded me how much she knows her kids, told me that the little one has so much fun with her brothers that I don't even know, and said she was going to have to take the bus to get the little one back to my house that afternoon...and she HATED to bring her out in the sun (even though it actually was a REALLY nice day). She said it would take 2-3 hours to get to my house from hers taking the bus (apparently she couldn't "con"vince one of her family members to drive them this afternoon). So, I offered to just come and get her. The plan was for her to drop her off at 2:30, but I left at 1 to get her so I could try and give her a nap.

When I picked her up, she looked 100% normal and did not appear sick in the slightest. When I got her to the car, I asked her why she cried at her mom's and she said "because I wanted you". She pretty much denied that she was sick. Heartbreaking, yes...and makes it even harder to see that reunification is best between that and the teen wanting to stay with me at my "quiet house" when she was sick. She talked non-stop the entire way home, so apparently her throat didn't hurt too much. Then, she ate a "million" pieces of pepperoni and something else, so apparently she didn't really have a loss of appetite as her mom claimed. I checked her temperature and it was perfect. She took an hour and a half nap without a fuss. She stuck to me like glue during dinner at DQ with my family (and the two teenage Japanese girls who are staying with my parents for the week starting today). I promised her I wasn't going to leave her. (She warmed up to the girls when they brought her to the park for my entire softball game.)

She did repeat the "I cried because I wanted you" phrase for the agency worker when I asked her about it, so it wasn't a one time deal. At bedtime, she cried for her brothers. Her brothers did not stay at her mom's last night, so I imagine she maybe was freaking out when she realized she was all alone with her mom?! Sad to say, but even after all the weeks of weekend overnight visits, there is still very little bond with her mom (in my opinion). Of course, it seems their mom spends very little time caring for her children independently and there always seems to be another relative around, or at least the teen, to "help". It is really, really sad...but not really enough of a reason to continue to keep them in my home rather than hers.

It's been a rough five days and I really hope things start to get better because I'm not sure I can take much more of this heartbreaking stuff :( I suppose it comes with the territory of being a pediatric nurse and a foster parent, but that doesn't mean it's easy!

It Only Got Worse

The weekend not only didn't get better, it definitely got worse. Yesterday may have been the worst day I have ever had at work in the nine years I have been a nurse. Well, maybe it is just the "worst" because it involved my patient "crashing" at change of shift meaning I didn't get home until 9:00 PM (I started work at 7:00 AM). Then, I found out today that there is going to be a type of "investigation" about how the day went and I was told to get my notes ready. That is probably all I should write about it, even though this is a basically private blog. Needless to say, the patient (a child-I'm a pediatric nurse) was "terminally" ill, but was not expected to die yesterday...but the patient did die. It was a terrible, horrible day and now I will be forced to re-live it over and over again in my nightmares and in real life as I am questioned about the events of the day. My thought is that someone was "confronted" about why this or that happened and decided to turf the "blame" to me. So, that's just awesome and makes me super excited to go back to work on Wednesday (but, I'm thankful to have had today off as well as tomorrow to recover). To be fair, the pediatric nursing director called me (and the charge nurse) this morning to get our side of the story and it did seem to be listening to me...I did admit to being hungover because...

last night when I got home from work, I decided to drink this:

That glass is all that is left from the bottle of New Zealand Chardonnay I found in my fridge. Before I went to bed, the kitchen was spinning and I staggered down the hallway to my room...where I was in bed briefly before running to the bathroom and throwing up all my "dinner". I slept for a few hours before getting up to vomit again...and the sleep/vomit cycle continued until about 4:00 PM. I still have a headache and my stomach is telling me it is hungry, but I'm a bit afraid to eat anything. (I stopped writing for a few minutes to talk to the teen who slept all day long, but just started singing, so I think she is feeling better than she admits... I did eat some Jello and some cereal and feel "ok".)

The girls' mom did call today (we missed each other yesterday since I was at work and WAY to busy to talk, especially to deal with her nonsense). She claimed that she didn't have her phone all day on Saturday which is why she never called (and didn't get my message). She told me that she did talk to the teen on Friday night and told her it was okay to skip the visit since my house is much quieter than hers. It's still an "interesting" choice in my opinion and definitely shows that the teen is comfortable here...although what is going to happen when she goes home? I talked to the agency worker to give her an update (I did talk to her briefly during a moment I decided to sit down yesterday...one of the VERY few times). She thinks I handled Friday night well with allowing their mom to feel like she was "in charge". Also, she agreed that it was good that I didn't make her feel badly for choosing to stay with me instead of her mom (I still think that if there is the super strong mother-daughter bond that they think there is, then she would have wanted to be with her mom when she was sick...or at least have the option of seeing her whenever she woke up from her naps.) She thinks the girls may be even be asking to spend more time at my house than I want ;)

Still no word from the Judge and no word from the case manager about setting up a family team meeting to discuss what visits will look like when school starts. I think tomorrow marks 10 weeks of waiting...

Well, I'd better get ready for bed since I need to be a bit more productive tomorrow!

Good night.

Friday Night Fun

I should have known better than to write posts called "Not Much to Say" and "Same Story, Different Day"in the same week! Last night, which happened to be exactly fourteen months since the girls spent their first night here, was anything but "the same" and now I have "lots" to say. I'm hoping that if I lay it all out here first, that will get rid of all the emotion that goes along with the story and I'll be able to just "stick to the facts" when I send emails to the appropriate professionals...

Yesterday morning, the teen got up early (like, 8ish) and went to take a shower. I had heard her go to the bathroom some time in the 5:00 hour, but didn't think much/anything of it. I was about to get up to get the little one ready for school anyway, so soon discovered that she was awake because she had woken up with a terrible stomachache. Her stomach pains continued throughout the day, but she insisted she was "fine" and refused to cancel our plans to go to the baseball game/fireworks as planned (she LOVES baseball!) On the way to the game, she rode with her hands covering her face, bent over, trying not to cry and said she was car sick (but that she had never been car sick before). We stopped at the bathroom, grabbed drinks and walked around for a little bit before finding our seats. She sat miserably through about an inning and a half before admitting that she really did feel like she needed to be seen by a doctor (after she threw up her Sprite).

So, we packed up our things and I drove a sick teenager and a disappointed little one to the ER. We got there about 8:00 and got right in (I chose the correct hospital...yay!) I texted their mom to let her know what was going on and called the agency's on call person. They drew labs, started fluids, and gave her IV Zofran. I got a call from their mom at 8:27 (after my text at 8:13) to get an update. She was at a family gathering (she is ALWAYS at a family gathering), but I told her the teen was "ok" and getting treated. She called at 8:52 to let me know she was finding someone to watch the other kids and would be on her way. The little one had been having trouble listening and ALWAYS has trouble talking quietly, so keeping her quietly entertained in a small room was a joy, especially since I had brought nothing with me (seeing as we were at a baseball game which should have been PLENTY of entertainment!) It was nearing her bed time, but we were going to be out late if we had been at the game, so it was hard to force her to sleep.

Their mom arrived about 9:45...with troops. Oh, yes, her ride was her 18ish AND 22ish "nieces" (I use that term lightly because everyone is her aunt/cousin/niece) and the older one's 18-month-old son. Yes, you read that right, she came to the Emergency Room with an 18-month-old at 9:45 PM to see her sick daughter. Then, she went into Super Mom mode and insisted on talking to the Doctor, at the Nurse, and wanted something done. She stood by the teen telling her not to cry, not to be anxious, and to calm down...yeah, super helpful (mind you, there are now four adults and two children in the room with the teen in the bed).

And, since their mom doesn't like it to be about anyone but her, she had to go on and on about how they were at a bonfire and so her contacts were bothering her. She had to fix it on the way in and her eyes hurt. Yes, she told us at least half a dozen times. Then, she kept patting her face and talking about her high blood pressure and told her (sick/in pain/nauseous) daughter that she was going to the doctor next week to get her blood pressure checked (again, at least half a dozen times) in between telling her daughter to calm down and not be anxious.

Yes, it was VERY hard to sit back and watch this all unfold knowing that it isn't at ALL how I would have handled things, but remembering that she is her mom and that IS how she handles things. As I have been reflecting on how things "all went down", I'm feeling like I could wish I could keep them away from "that" forever...even though I know I cannot, and not too long ago, I was as "ready as I'll be". I had been doing a lot of texting, so my phone was dying and I didn't know how long we would be there (or how long they were going to stay since it was approaching 11:00 and they had a BABY with them). Their mom convinced me to go use my car charger for a bit to get a little bit of juice. Of course in the 7 minutes I was gone, they decided to send her home and did all the discharge teaching/instructions with mom...even though she was going home with ME. Oh to have been a fly in the room when the nurse came in and saw I wasn't there...remember, their mom is Super Mom.

Of course, the little one melted down when she realized she wasn't going home with her mom. She went so far as to ask me "you're sorry that I'm not going with my mom"...all I could mutter was "sure", because, seriously, that is far from the truth (although the little one was driving me absolutely crazy and I likely wouldn't have protested if her mom asked for her to leave with them...but she didn't). I did get a "thank you" text from their mom which was nice, but didn't exactly make up for the circus I had to watch.

I was supposed to work today, but decided I had to call in sick so the teen wouldn't have to get herself AND the little one ready for a 9 AM pick up for their weekend visit. The teen did get up when the little one and I were having breakfast, but didn't seem to be getting ready very quickly. So, at about 8:45/8:50, I knocked on her door with no response. After I got the little one to the ride at 9:00, I knocked again and went in to see what was up. It was at that point that she decided to tell me that she told her mom she was skipping the visit and she "forgot" to tell me...gee, thanks. The little one looked a bit scared to be going on the visit alone, but there wasn't anything else to be done.

When I got back inside, I called their mom to find out what was up and to make sure that she and the teen really had discussed this. I asked her to call me to let me know what the plan was, etc. I am still waiting. Yes, it has been 10 hours. (Side note, I started crying in church when I realized that the little one is likely going to be there without the teen for days/nights and that does actually worry me...poor baby!) I unsuccessfully tried to not think too much about the fact that the teen chose to stay here when she was sick instead of going to her mom's. All she did today was sleep and I bought her saltines, 7-up, and Ramen noodles...things that just as easily could have been done at her mom's home instead of mine. She could have slept at her moms/aunts/cousins/grandmas wherever they were going today, but she chose to stay here. Does that speak volumes or am I reading too much into the mind of a teenager?! It actually was a little irritating that she decided to stay here because I was hoping to have the possibility of working a few hours since I likely won't have enough PTO to cover today's sick day. I realize I could have left her here (and did for a little while when I went out with my mom/sister/nephew and to church), but didn't want to be unavailable if she needed me (because, you know, I'm "motherly" like that).

To my knowledge, their mom has not called to check on her. I have no idea if the "plan" is for someone to come get the teen tomorrow (while I'm at work...I can't skip two days!) to finish out the weekend visit, or if she is not going at all. I have no idea if she will bring the little one back early, or keep her until Tuesday as she has been doing. I don't have much faith that she can care for the kids independently for an extended period of time, but thankfully she has found a new set of relatives that have not yet been "burned" by her and are willing to help. I realize those are harsh words and this is much more of a "downer" post than I was hoping to write. However, her parenting leaves much to be desired, but that still isn't grounds to terminate her rights. Their basic needs will be met...and she will love them the best way she knows how. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes, but I have to face the truth, and that is that they will (eventually) go back home to her and that lifestyle. Plus, even if the court decided she was an unfit parent, one of those other relatives would come forward and the girls would leave my home anyway...

Okay, hopefully I have vented enough to form a factual email to the caseworkers.

Your prayers for all of us are welcome/appreciated :)

Not Much To Say

Still pretty much the "same old story" here. The little one and I hang out when I'm not working and she's not at school. The teen hangs out in her room until she feels like coming out and telling me random stories or wants to watch some TV (she's ACTUALLY been pretty chatty these past 2 1/2 days since they've been back this week). Right now, I'm actually sitting in the living room with her while she is watching a show on MTV that I couldn't care less about (but she thinks I do, so I smile and nod every once in a while ;) ) Here are some pictures of the little one from last night when we went to the park. I'm not a photographer, but do enjoy taking pictures...and decided to mess with them using iPh0t0 just for fun :) I wish I could post the one where she made a super funny face at the camera, but better not take any chances. Tomorrow night, we are going to a baseball game (apparently, there is some sort of family gathering that their mom called me about yesterday, but the teen called her today and said they will go to the game instead).

Good night.

Same Story, Different Day

I haven't been "blogging" much, even though my mind is still swirling with thoughts that may be "journal-able". But, mostly, it's the same story, just a different day. Every single day I am asked by at least one person if I "still have my/the girls". Every day I explain, not so well, that we are STILL waiting for a report from the Judge...and yes, it has been nearly NINE weeks. Without the report, we don't have any clue whatsoever if they will go home now, soon, or some day in the future. Next week will mark fourteen months since they spent their first night in my home. For the past four(ish) months, they have spent every weekend with their mom. In the past four(ish) weeks, I have come to believe that their mom is doing her best and her "best" is better than I thought it would be. School starts in 18 days and it would be just awesome if the teen knew where she was going to be living when that happens...I really don't think that is too much to ask, but I'm not holding my breath. I am going to miss them so, so much, but this 3 1/2 days with mom, 3 1/2 days with me is not exactly enjoyable. I seem to spend much of those days trying to get the little one back into a routine and reminding her that we have rules here about how to behave appropriately only to send her back to her mom's and start all over. Granted, her "inappropriate behavior" isn't bad in the grand scale of things, but it's especially challenging when I am often working 12+ hour shifts too...

Anyway, I shouldn't really complain about them coming back to my house for 3 1/2 days because I DO miss them so much when they are gone and I do look forward to my Tuesday evening hugs and kisses (from the little one) and random stories (from both of them). The teen and I have "movie" and/or "TV" night with popcorn at least once a week. While we could surely plan "date night" after she goes back home, it definitely won't be the same.

So, the point of this babbling is that I don't exactly have a lot to "blog" because it would basically be repeating myself over and over...yes, the girls still live with me, yes we are still waiting for the Judge, yes it is really frustrating, yes it is going to be hard to say good bye whenever they DO end up leaving, yes I thought they were going home a year ago, and six months ago, and four months ago, and two months ago...you get the idea ;)

This picture really makes me laugh. My friend was in town because her son had an appointment at the hospital. So, we met them for ice cream like we did last year. I got a picture with the three of us, then was going to get one with just the boy. The little one FREAKED out, started crying and ran away throwing a fit. She said "he's not your son" and was VERY upset that I picked him up for a picture. Later, she kept telling me that I was SO MEAN because I wanted a picture with him (without her). Jealous much?!

And, yes, in case you have been reading my blog for a long time and are wondering, that IS the same very, very sick boy I wrote about here (and multiple other times in 2008!) It is simply amazing to see him doing so well and is a wonderful reminder of why I love doing what I do. My job AND my life as a foster mom are both very challenging, but incredibly rewarding and I have trouble imagining it any other way.

Tomorrow I do not have to work and I have not scheduled any meetings or appointments. I am SO excited! I haven't heard from the girls' mom, but they haven't been coming back until Tuesday. So, I'm sleeping until I wake up and will probably do a whole lot of nothing (and a little bit of some things that I really need to do!)

Good night.