Another One

Another date, that is...and that makes three :) I guess I can no longer keep my title as the "one date wonder"! I dropped the girls off at their mom's place at 10:45 so I was able to meet him for lunch. Of course, he picked a place that is crazy busy at brunch/lunch, but it was fine (he didn't know how crazy it would be!) I got to have quiche which is one of my favorite things (and hash browns...yum!) We met there at 12:30 and left around 2:00, so I'd say that was a nice amount of conversation. He is perfectly ok listening to the saga of being a foster mom and he shared stories of his nephew and about work (he's a high school athletic trainer and teacher in case I haven't mentioned that). It was nice to have a date without a news crew and the family, but I was a little nervous. The fact that I got a new hair cut last week and my bangs were not cooperating with me didn't help! However, the fact that I've lost somewhere between 7 and 9 pounds in the time the girls have been with me DID help me feel pretty cute in the outfit I wore ;) I wore the new sweater the teen picked out for me and he complimented me on it, so I need to remember to tell her (it has sparkles!)

I had a ton of things I wanted to get done while the girls were gone and did manage to get a couple of them done. I went and talked to the agency worker since I needed some background check forms (both in case I continue dating and for a couple of people who have agreed to help me with the girls, but need to have background checks done first) and more monthly report forms (since I don't have any ink in my printer right now). We talked about the kids and their mom and she is okay with them staying with me for as long as they can. I shared that I agree with her idea to send the little one back first because if she and the teen go back together, the little one will just want the teen to do everything because that's where the bond is. When she is here, she lets me put her to bed, give her bath, discipline, etc., but when she is upset, she usually cries for her sister (or me), rather than her mom. That type of transition will be hard on everyone, but I believe it is the best idea to really make sure she is ready to have them back...when this transition will begin, I do not know. So, I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, loving them as best I can while they are here.

Here are a few pictures from Christmas. Hopefully the ones of the little one from Christmas morning are "ok"...they are close to not being "ok", but I'm just going to go with them since it's Christmas :) The first picture is what it looked like as we watched Santa on NORAD come to where we live. The teen and I had fun with that (Santa added a couple of things after the teen went to bed, but she didn't even notice...ha!). I decided to wake them up at 6:20 AM before I had to leave for work at 6:40 AM. It was an early morning for them, and a little selfish of me, but I decided I didn't just want to see pictures from Christmas morning, I wanted to be there too. I'm glad I was too, because she said some pretty funny things! She got a Belle Polly Pocket type thing for her birthday, but naked Belle got lost in the grocery store maybe 6 weeks ago (she still has her clothes, just the doll was missing when we got to the car). So, Santa brought her a replacement Belle which she thought was "awesome" ;) I actually got a "blogable" picture of the teen from when we went to my parents' house after I got off work on Christmas. She rested her head on the table and said she looked like a drunk passed out on the bar, so I had to take a picture! I just love her :) The last picture is my dad and the little one playing with her new Dora book/magnets. I thought it was super cute and had to take a picture :)

We had a great Christmas and I'm enjoying Christmas vacation, even though I do have to work some of it (and the teen is kind of a hermit with her Twilight books, but it is still nice knowing she is here :) ) I have tomorrow off and then it's back to work for three days.

Good night!

Early Christmas

Since I am scheduled to work the 24th, 25th, and 26th, we decided to have Christmas at my mom and dad's tonight. As it turns out, we don't have many patients, so I COULD get tomorrow off, but the girls do not have a visit on the 26th and I decided I should take that day off instead (I don't believe I have enough PTO to cover two days). It definitely worked out well this way, I think, since it was separate from other "gift opening" and not stressful for anyone having to try and have two Christmases in one day.

My grandma came over, which was nice, since this is the first Christmas without my Grandpa. I think she would be the most sad about me not being there tomorrow, but she brought my presents and ones for the girls, so it worked out. The girls LOVED the presents she brought them, so it was nice she was able to watch them open them.

We had breakfast for dinner per my sister's request which included an asparagus frittata (or something like that), a breakfast casserole we always used to have when we were little at my mom's parents' house, and peach cobbler. It was delicious and something different, which was nice.

My nephew was funny with his presents, but was more interested in running around and standing on the little one's Dora bowling set box than opening his presents. Thankfully, the little one was mostly willing to help. That is, when she was willing to put down her presents. It was HILARIOUS to watch her try to hold ALL of her presents as if she was afraid someone else was going to take them or they wouldn't come home with us. Then, she started stacking what she couldn't hold next to my Grandma on the couch. She was so happy with each and every present which made it fun. She loved the Belle fleece blanket I got for her that has her name on it (used a coupon code to make it $12 including personalization  with free shipping=awesome!) My grandma got her a "Baby Doctor Barbie" (which also could be a pediatric nurse I think ;) ) and she loved that too. It's almost 11:00 and she is still awake, so I guess she is pretty excited...good thing she is supposed to be with her mom tomorrow...ha!

Here's some pictures of the little one from my phone. I got some fun ones on my camera too, but haven't uploaded them yet.

The teen also had a good time. All of her presents were a complete surprise, so that was very fun to watch. I got her a Bowl Game t-shirt with for one of her favorite teams (she loved it!) My grandma also got her a football t-shirt which she LOVED. My brother-in-law picked out a poster of the actor from Twilight for her which made her blush (super funny!) She really seemed to like the shutterfly book I made for her, and was surprised to get her own flat iron. I'm sure she didn't know what to expect and it was awesome to see her smile (especially since earlier in the day, she seemed a bit stressed talking to the service coordinator about visitation and going back home...I was relieved to find out that the State nixed the idea of the teen taking the little one on the bus to and from visits and it was nice to hear the coordinator talk to the teen about not taking on the parental role when she goes back home).

I got some great gifts too, including an awesome coffee mug from my nephew with his picture on it and a nice sweater and scarf from the teen and the little one. My grandma and my parents gave me what I asked for ;) (pedicure, movie gift card, football t-shirt, hair products, lotion, money...I know, spoiled ;) ) It was just nice to be with my family...and forget about the meltdown that was yesterday's story :)

Even though I have to work the next two days, I will be okay since I will be remembering this day :)

Speaking of work, I haven't been there in a while and am not accustomed to waking up that early, so I should head to bed. Merry Christmas and Good night!

Meltdowns

I'm pretty sure if I looked back at my years of blogging, there has been at least one "meltdown" post during the Christmas season. I'm not sure if it's because the Christmas tradition is just different when you work at a place that never closes or if it is just extra stressful around this time or the weather or what, but it seems like this is the season for "meltdowns". (Well, I think there have been times in my blogging history when I wrote a LOT about me and my "meltdowns", but they aren't quite as frequent these days, thank goodness!)

It could also be that this time of year turns into the time when we change the calendar to the new year and that is a change. Yes, a small change, but it is a time to reflect back on all the changes as well as forward to the changes that will occur.

I'm not very good at change and right now, I'm in a place where many things are changing of which I have NO control over and I do not like it one bit.

First of all, the scheduling committee changed our holidays and now all of the major holidays are three days long, meaning three 12-hour-shifts in a row. I RARELY schedule myself to work three days in a row because those shifts are long and I get crabby. Especially now that I have kids in the house, that is just tiring. (God bless the people who can live on no sleep and love working a full work-week in three days, but that is not me!) So, I am scheduled to work the 24th, 25th, 26th (and the 29th, 30th, and 31st). I am none too happy about this arrangement, but my complaints and rational explanations of why this is silly did not help anything. (My "big picture thinking" is that while I only work this Christmas holiday once every three years, it won't matter when Christmas is on a Wednesday because then I'll be stuck working the weekend before/weekend since the holiday is Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday!) Ok, there's my rant about that...I feel a little better ;)

I finally got the family team meeting with the girls' mom that I have been waiting for since she canceled it last Monday. Since the issues of that weekend were not fresh and the service coordinator was present via speakerphone, I didn't get to express all of my frustration. Of course, she said that she had texted me this weekend saying there would be no visit, but her new phone did not send the messages. She said that right off the bat, so I couldn't even tell her how ticked I am at how little she appears to care about her girls and their feelings. She informed me that she is a responsible parent and would never not communicate with me, blah, blah. But, I sat in silence as she described the plans for visitation while the teen is off school...

Her plan is that the teen will walk, with the little one, to the bus stop (maybe 5 or 6 blocks), take one bus downtown and change to one to take them to where she lives. Now, I don't live in a place where public transportation is utilized and can honestly say I have NEVER taken the bus in this city. Plus, does she know that it is WINTER and it gets bitterly cold and snowy here? I was feeling guilty sitting there knowing that they would be taking the bus on days that I am off work, but me driving them to visits feels like a step in the wrong direction. I don't know what the answer is, or if there is one, but I just know that I'm going to be on an emotional roller coaster with this. Since she was approved for adequate housing, I'm not sure when the transition home will start or if it will go quickly or slowly or how it will work. The unknown is what is hard...and then they tell me that basically they will send the kids home and see if she fails or not. Now, doesn't THAT sound like fun?!

I know I signed up for this. I know that I knew it would be challenging, but also rewarding. However, I don't think you can really prepare for these kinds of ups and downs and uncertainties and constant changes.

It's hard, but most of the time I feel like I have a good handle on things and am able to put things into perspective, but today I found myself standing in the kitchen and crying...wiping the tears away as quickly as I could since the little one was playing in the next room and it would be hard to explain tears that even I don't fully understand.

The tears did come when I texted my "date" and declined the offer to attend a party he was having tonight. I just couldn't do it emotionally. This whole dating thing is foreign to me and it is scary and stressful and a huge change that I'm not quite sure I am prepared to handle along with the other changes going on. However, I know I shouldn't run away when there is so much good that can come from facing your fears, stepping out on a limb, and just taking life as it comes.

Seriously, I went to college over 700 miles away from home, I lived on my own for a year 1500 miles away from my family, I am a single foster mom to a teen and a toddler...I have been brave, I have been strong, so why is it so hard right now?! The tears came again after choir practice (I had to go to practice to get my little bit of Christmas in since it is unlikely I will be able to attend any church services) and just now as I typed that last sentence.

I may go to bed with a tissue in my hand, but I know that tomorrow is a new day...and it is sure to be one I won't soon forget (an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old opening presents is going to be a riot!) I'm hoping to leave the meltdowns behind and only have tears of joy if the tears need to come at all ;)

Good night!

Clueless

Okay, that's a random title, but I used "Conflicted" a couple of posts ago and needed something similar, since my brain is still kind of mush.

I'm having a hard time processing all that is going on in "my world" right now and feeling quite out-of-balance. That isn't much fun considering Christmas is just a few days away, but then, I have to work on the 24th, 25th, and 26th (and the 29th, 30th, and 31st...boo!) Most of our snow melted today which I'm a-ok with, but that does take away a little bit of the Christmas feel (even though I listen to Christmas songs every chance I get and my house looks a LOT more like Christmas than it has in years past).

Not only was the girls' mom a no-call/no-show for their visit on Saturday, but yesterday (Sunday) as well. I still haven't heard anything from her, and neither have the girls. I will admit that I am starting to lose patience with her and am beginning to get cynical. I believe I was empathetic/understanding for a good six months, but this whole situation is starting to wear on me. I know it is likely due to the fact that this is my first placement and I am not yet "jaded" by the system and the people who are in it. However, I feel like I would be much more understanding if I could figure out WHY she does these things...like, if there was a known mental illness or addiction problem. Granted, I'm sure I'd still lose patience after a while in those situations, but I don't feel like ANY progress has been made in the 6 1/2 months that I have had the girls and yet all I hear is how they will be going home soon...how they NEED to go home.

I do understand that reunification is the goal of foster care. I also agree with the fact that there doesn't appear to be any "safety risk" of them returning back home. However, it is REALLY irritating not to see a single amount of effort being put forth by her to see or even talk to her kids. I KNOW she told me on Friday that her phone was broken, but she lives in an apartment complex and I'm sure that if she told one of her neighbors she needed to talk to her kids, they would let her use their phone for five minutes. I gave her my phone numbers again on Friday (and she called on Friday night, so unless she lost that paper between Friday night and Saturday morning, she just decided not to call).

I talked to my agency worker and the service coordinator this afternoon about the skipped visits this weekend. Basically, they told me nothing can be done and I just need to keep having "Plan B" set up for when she doesn't show up. That is, of course, easier said than done considering I work 12-hour-shifts, but my family has been VERY flexible throughout this experience and that is a huge blessing. After tomorrow, the teen is off school until January 6. So, I guess the reality is that she could stay here with the little one, but 12/13 hours is a LONG time...and I have tried really hard to not put that responsibility on her. I just wonder if the judge is going to be looking at all of these skipped visits at the next hearing, or if they will just send them back home as soon as there is adequate housing so the case can be closed. That is hard for me to think about considering how much has been invested in them during their time with me and how much effort is being put forth to make sure they are being well cared for, only to be handed back to someone who has made ZERO effort. Hopefully we actually have a meeting on Wednesday to set a plan for what she is at least PLANNING to do with the kids while they are on Christmas break.

Okay, there's my foster mom rant. It's pretty small considering some of the things foster parents have to deal with (I follow a foster mom on twitter who had to send her foster baby with someone who didn't know babies needed car seats and didn't pass a home study...yikes!)

In other news, I've still been texting with the guy from church/ice skating date...he may need a name. I can try for "S" since that's his first initial, but may not use it. To be honest, I have no clue what's going on with this either. I obviously know he likes me, otherwise there is no way he would have gone to dinner with me, my foster daughters, my sister, and my brother-in-law. I'm not sure why, but it always feels weird to me when I know people want to be with me. Not that I don't think I'm a "likable" person, but it makes me self-conscious or something. I already know that I have a "dating problem", so have chosen to avoid it as much as possible. I guess it is nice that the bulk of our communication/interaction has been via text messages, but some day, I will have to face him and do the real kind of dating...if that is where this is going to go...

{sigh} I think I'm analyzing things way too much and just need to let things go as they are supposed to go. I'm feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and stressed (and clueless)...and know that I just need to relax (which is why I am taking the time to blog ;) ) I need to remember that I'm not really in control of any of this, but feeling out-of-control is so not a fun feeling!

And, on that note, the teen just went to bed (at 10:30...same as last night for all three of us!) and I'm heading to mine too. Hopefully getting this little bit of "confus-ed-ness" out will mean I will sleep REALLY well ;)

Good night.

"Date" #2

So...the girls' mom was a no call/no show for the visit this morning. I had planned to go to 5:00 Mass, possibly with my ice skating date/guy from church...we were going to discuss our plans today. Well, plans changed when I ended up with the girls...well, they were adjusted anyway. The current plan is for the girls and I go to go 5:00 Mass and he will be there too (whether or not he will sit with us, I do not know...part of me thinks it would be weird if he did sit with us tonight, but whatever happens, happens.) Then, we will all go to dinner at a local Chinese restaurant...one of our faves and he has never been there. Gotta like a guy who is open for "Plan B"...even when my mom and sis said they wanted to join us (they decided not this time ;) )

It's definitely going to be interesting to see how this all plays out...I'll post updates as I have them/have time ;) I suppose I ought to get ready for church. Enjoy the weekend!

Post date update: He did not sit with us at Mass, but we did walk out with him. My sister and brother-in-law joined us for dinner. I did not talk to him much, but did sit by him. He and my brother-in-law visited. The little one kept us laughing, and the teen actually participated in conversation too. My sister texted me that she thought he called me "Allison" (more than once). He opted to go home to be with his dog instead of out for ice cream with me and the girls, but overall I think it went well. Poor guy probably was nervous about this, especially since I thought my mom was going to come too! Will obviously write again if/when there is a date #3. :)

Conflicted

It's been a while since I felt the "need" to journal as much as I did today. I found myself struggling throughout the day to hold back the tears, just wishing that I could come home and let it all out. There were definitely points throughout the day where the tears ALMOST welled over onto my cheeks, but I'm glad they didn't.

Today was my first day back to work since the news aired the story with my first date. Of course, it was the topic of conversation throughout the day, and I even watched the footage a couple of times with people who had not seen it (apparently, it was also viewed numerous times during the shifts between Saturday night and today!) In many ways, it is fun that my co-workers can see that I CAN be a "fun girl", but in other ways, it stirred up even more conflict inside of me...

See, I have a problem. I'm not sure if it is a problem with "dating" or relationships or commitment or what, but I know that some of the times when I have cried the most were "cured" when I decided to quit dating. Well, I'm not sure if they were DIRECTLY related, but it sure did seem that way...super upset, crying all the time, then away with the boys and back to "myself" ;) This has been a big struggle for me, and one that I'm not even sure I have begun to understand. It's something I have avoided because I don't know how to deal with it, or even what the problem is to begin with. Granted, going to counseling late last year/early this year helped a ton in getting me to a place where I was happy with who I was, where I was and then becoming a foster mom has made be feel fulfilled in so many ways (and brought along conflicting emotions of it's own that is a whole post for another day!)

I was happy. Things were going great. And then, this guy shows up at church and I'm like "whoa, didn't see that coming"...but, you never really do see those kinds of things coming, do you?! And so, I was determined to take things slow, not to let my "big picture" personality get in the way of enjoying the moment, each moment, as I made my way into hoping just maybe this time one date would actually turn into two.

I was prepared to keep things quiet--tell a few select people (and those who read this blog...ha!) that I was talking to this guy I met from church who just "happened" to be the brother of a former co-worker...and we were even going to go have a "date". I have spent the past 6 1/2 months trying to make the most of each and every day with these girls, not taking a moment we are given together for granted and was hopeful that just maybe I was ready to do something similar in another relationship--just take each day as it comes, not jump too far into the future. I can not write history without living in the present. Trying to guess what the future holds can actually take some of the fun out of simply wondering what tomorrow will bring. (Okay, I'm starting to lose it in my exhausted state...I ought to get to the point and press publish post ;) )

My "best laid plans" went out the window when our first date was broadcast on the news and online for "all" to see. Not only did I have to tell my dad (who apparently "announced" on Sunday at the drug store that his daughter was on TV having the first date she has had in a LOOONNNGG time), but also my grandma, who will now continue to pester me about how things are going. I have tried to keep some of my personal life out of work, but that is no longer an option because now "everyone" knows I went on a date. For those of you who got to see the clip, it was followed by a clip of a couple who were engaged while we were there following their first date on the rink a year ago. Yes, it was a cute story. Yes, it will be neat to have that as "our story" IF this ends up being something long-term/forever, but I was planning to not let my mind go to "forever"...which I knew was going to be a tough task for my "big picture" thinking.

And so, I have allowed a few of my tears to fall (but my journaling was disrupted by my watching of the Biggest Loser finale) and it does always feel better to put my feelings down "on paper". In a way, I wish we could rewind and tell the reporter we weren't interested, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. In a way, I would like to fast-forward to a time when people forget about that news clip and we can carry on, slowly but surely, to whatever is supposed to happen in this "relationship" (reminder: only been on one date!). However, I know that people will continue to ask questions, and I will have to learn how to respond to them...

I'm not one who usually quotes Bible verses, but I think this is a time when I need to remember this one: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has plans for me...BIG plans for me ;)...and I STILL need to take it one day at a time, even when there is a news story out there that ends with "It could be the start of a storybook romance or at the very least a great first date story."

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...and now it's time for me to go to sleep :) Good night.

"D" Day

Edited to add: The news story I write about in this post is currently posted online. If you are reading this and would like me to email you the link, let me know ;)

Yep, today was "Date Day"...but, before I write about that, I want to rewind to yesterday, because there are some good stories there too ;)

I had to work yesterday. I typically leave my house at 6:40 to get to work by 7, since I live very close to work. I make sure the teen gets up by about 6:30 and my mom comes to get the girls at 7:10. Yesterday, I was running rather slowly (even though I decided I didn't feel like showering...don't judge ;) ). So, I was still in my pajamas at 6:30 when the teen comes to tell me that the little one is vomiting. Sure enough, she was sitting up in bed with puke in her hair, on her bed, and crying. Lovely. I snatched her up (kind of thankful at this point that I AM still in my pj's instead of being dressed for work!), threw her in the bathtub and quickly washed her hair. I couldn't get in touch with my mom to tell her, but left a message that she threw up, but didn't appear to be sick. I called work to say I'd be a little late, got the little one set up with TV on the couch (and a large bowl should she feel the need to vomit again) and made it to work shortly after 7.

It was a crazy day at work to the point that I found myself in tears and my manager was my personal assistant for an hour...nutso! My dad agreed to go get the little one from my sister's and get both girls to my house in time for a 5:00 pick-up (their "usual" Friday visit, although there doesn't seem to be much consistency with her visits these days). I was in my manager's office telling her thank you once again at around 5:15 when I received a phone call from the teen telling me her mom wasn't coming. She said they were okay at my house and she would make a pizza. Both she and my sister told me the little one acted fine all day long. I then checked my cell phone and, sure enough, mom texted me at 5:00 to tell me that she was coming to get the girls, but she "tripd" and wasn't feeling well, so no visit. Seriously, I cleaned up your kid's vomit this morning and THEN went to work a 12-hour shift and you can't have a visit because you fell?! {deep breath}

The little one appeared tired when I got home, so I put her to bed fairly early. She didn't fall right asleep, but when I checked on her around 9:30 she was sleeping. I was heading to bed around 11:30 when I heard her making noise in her room. I went in to tell her to go to sleep, then realized that she was moaning in her sleep. She looked up, told me she was scared, she cried and said she "wanted me". She burped when I picked her up and we made it to the bathroom before she vomited all over the floor, me, herself. We changed our clothes, I brought her mattress to the living room, and slept on the couch next to her. Of course she slept all night long while I tossed and turned on the couch and woke up stiff all over.

Fast forward to this morning. I never heard anything from the mom besides no visit yesterday, so I wasn't 100% sure she would show up at her "usual" 10:00 pick-up. I did, however, know that I had a DATE somewhere around 12:30 and was going to go either way, but it would be easier if she had the girls. Well, in her usual style, she kept me guessing up until 10:13 when she picked them up, with plans to drop them off between 7:30 and 8.

I promptly texted my "date" to tell him it was a go...even though we were going ice skating outside and the wind chill was -9...and got ready. I wore leggings under my jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, my coat, a hat, gloves, boots, and a scarf...super sexy ;)

He got a little lost on the way to pick me up, but was here around 12:45...and it was REALLY cold! We got to the ice skating rink (it's a temporary set-up for the holidays) and there was a sign to use the bathroom before you get out there because you can't leave once you have your skates on. I decided I had better go, so went in search of the restroom, but the sign didn't help me. I found out that they were port-a-pottys...and then discovered that the reason I couldn't find them was that they were all on the ground! So, I ran to a nearby business and used their bathroom first (I know, me and my bladder, but, I didn't want any, um... [Ginger ;)])

After we got our skates on and went out to the rink, we realized we were the only ones. Then, there was "another" couple who came out and then they were kissing on the rink...and then we skated past someone taking pictures on accident...and realized that they were in the process of getting engaged. There was a radio station there that interviewed them shortly after that...and I'm not sure if my date heard this, but the DJ definitely started the story by saying something like "there were only a few 'couples' here"...awkward, a little bit.

We took a hot chocolate break and then went back out on the rink. There still were very few people there (like, 5 ;) ) and then there was just us again when I noticed a news camera videotaping. Seriously, we are on camera?! Then, the reporter stopped us to see if he could ask us some questions. I "quickly" told him that this was our first time hanging out "you mean, like a first date?!" Um, yep. Then, he proceeded to "interview" us about how we ended up ice skating on such a freezing cold day, etc. It wasn't on the 5:00 news, but maybe it will be on the late one. (Since my date and I were going to be on the news, I HAD to tell my dad that I had gone on a date so he didn't hear it from anyone else...and now "everyone" in town will know about me and my first date if it airs on the news tonight...lovely!)

They decided to close the rink early due to the high winds and frigid temperatures, so we left and went to a late lunch. The conversation was nice, and I got to have my favorite Woodchuck Cider on tap, so all was well ;) He brought me home a little before 4:00 so he could get to his basketball games and I could get a few things done before the girls came back.

Since the weather was getting kind of bad, I called my agency worker on her cell phone to see what I should do if the girls' mom said she couldn't get them back to me. One of the last times she couldn't, the service coordinator said I should have called CPS, but with the weather this way, I didn't know if that was the way to go. However, I also didn't think it needed to be my problem to figure out transportation. She said I needed to put in on mom and tell her it was her decision to make on how to get the girls back here, or have them stay the night even though overnights have not officially been approved.

Mom texted me at 4:50 to tell me that her ride for the girls would not be able to provide transportation due to visibility and that she was "trying to plan ahead of time". I texted her to let me know what she decides because I was home for the night if they needed to come back earlier. She said thanks...and then waited until nearly 6:30 to say that her ride was upset she couldn't drive the girls but that she was "stuck with no option but for me to come get them". Um, pretty sure that I am NOT "Plan B", but it was REALLY hard for me to text back that I didn't feel comfortable coming to get them and that she needed to figure out another option besides me. She texted back that the girls would just stay...and then called to tell me that she was too anxious to have her aunt drive the girls back to my house (whatever...my thought is that I "maybe" would have come to get them at 5, but not at 6:30 when it was dark AND with poor visibility...planning ahead my @$$ ;))

I realized that the teen didn't bring her homework with her and didn't want that to be MY fault, so I texted mom that if the teen needs her homework tomorrow, than someone could stop by to get it.

So, yesterday I cleaned up vomit twice and slept on the couch. Today, I had cramps and went ice skating. Even though it wasn't what was "supposed" to happen, I think I will enjoy having the house to myself for the night and just "chilling" (literally...I think it is time to make some hot cocoa or hot cider or both!) I think I'll even wrap some presents so the area under our tree is no longer bare :)

I am not going to get TOO excited about this date since I am known for being a "one date wonder", but I'm kind of feeling that this will at least get a second date (we need to try a warmer venue for one anyway!) We had fun...if you want "details, details", feel free to comment and I'll try to accommodate ;)

All For Naught

Sorry about the delay in an update, but I was so stressed out prior to court that I just napped when the little one did and we were busy the rest of the day.

I showed up Downtown a little before 9 for court at 9:30 since I had no clue where I was going. I plugged my meter for 2 hours. Little did I know HOW late the judge runs and I'm pretty sure someone plugged my meter because I definitely wasn't back to my car until 11 and there was 45 minutes left on it.

I was warned about this judge...that she is very unpredictable, has sent lawyers out in handcuffs, and kicked social workers off the case. I was also told to watch for bright red lipstick because then she's REALLY in "a mood". I guess I wanted to be a fly on a wall just for that...but wasn't really excited about being there.

I freaked out my whole walk from my car to the courthouse that I would run into the girls' mom at one of the bus stops or something, but thankfully that didn't happen. I ended up getting off one elevator at the same time my agency worker was getting off another one. Phew!

She and I talked for a while and then we listened as the state worker and service coordinator talked to mom's lawyer without her...she seemed to be "ok"(kind of) with being excluded from this conversation and they also decided not to include her report (weird, I thought, but whatever). Mom was there with her aunt, but I don't think I fully made eye contact with her...even though I wasn't there to be "against" her, because everyone is there for the kids, I wasn't sure what she would think and didn't want to have any contact with her on that occasion.

I actually got to talk to the GAL briefly before court (shocking...I have seen him once and talked to him on the phone one other time during this six months) and gave him my two cents on how great the girls are doing and that my biggest concern about them going back is the teen getting to and from school. Apparently, their brothers were moved to another foster home without any socks, coats, shoes, gloves, hats, or warm clothes. Seriously?! I can't imagine sending foster kids from my home to another without adequate clothing...that is really sad!

It seemed like a pretty tame courtroom from what I was imagining. I sat way in the back corner with my agency worker, so I'm not sure the judge could even see me from where I was sitting. I was so nervous she would want to ask me something (and she DID look out to see if the boys' foster parent was there...yikes!)

But, my anxiety was all for naught and she didn't even look my direction. She also didn't agree to start the transition back to home until mom has a bigger place. She is going to consider overnight visits with a couple of kids at a time, but that will not start until the report comes out. Mom's lawyer asked for another hearing in 6-8 weeks, but I suppose if she gets adequate housing between now and then, they could probably start the transition since that's the "only" thing that is keeping them in foster care. It's really sad that housing is the big issue...and has seriously been the only thing she needed to fix between the last time she went to court and now. (I'm pretty sure this is WAY more than I am supposed to be sharing about the case, but I trust the people who read this understand the confidentiality statement I put on this blog :) )

So, long story short (or long story long--ha!), the girls will be with me for "a while" longer.

Now I'm just hoping mom comes to get them on Saturday so I can do on my "date" ;)

Big Day

Tomorrow, the girls' mom goes to court. I was curious enough to want to be a "fly on the wall", but Thursday it was recommended that I be in attendance in case the judge wants to talk to me...um, definitely freaked out about that!

Today, I talked to my agency worker to let her know that the service coordinator had asked me to attend court. She was surprised, wondering what the service coordinator would expect me to say. However, I guess I will go and speak the truth (and nothing but the truth, so help me G-- ;) ) IF I am asked.

The agency worker let me know that her recommendation is going to be for the kids to transition back VERY slowly, starting with the little one and working the way up to the teen being the last one to go home. I'm not sure if this is the service coordinator's recommendation too, but I "always" assumed that the boys would go home first and then the girls. It never dawned on me that the girls may not leave at the same time. It does, however, make sense to "test" the mom to see if she actually CAN care for her children without the teen. I'm not sure she has what it takes to deal with an active 3-year-old...even though I know she DOES love her, I don't think she realizes how much work even an EASY 3-year-old is!

Needless to say, I've been tearing up thinking about the (albeit remote) possibility that I have to send the little one there tomorrow...or even later this week...to stay. It's not going to be easy, and the teen is going to have it difficulty, no matter what happens. She is the one I worry about most when I think about them going back home, but I also think she will be worried about her younger siblings being cared for without her there.

It's going to be tough. I knew "tomorrow" would come...and maybe this isn't even the "tomorrow" it could be (seriously, the judge could tell the mom she needs to get her sh** together or her kids WON'T be coming home...no clue, and apparently it all depends on the judge's mood that day ;) )

In other news, "guy from church" sent me a text saying he hopes tomorrow goes how I want it, said he had Saturday afternoon open, and wanted to know if I had ever been ice skating. I "may" have Saturday afternoon open, depending on how tomorrow (and the rest of the week) go. I haven't been ice skating in a long time, but props to him for coming up with something other than dinner and a movie :)

I'm trying not to "freak out" about this aspect of my life that has caused so many "issues" in the past and just take it one step at a time...while also dealing with the possibility that the REST of my life as I know it could be turned upside down at the same time. When can I see my counselor again?! ;)

Prayers appreciated...big day/big week. Thanks!

Six Months

It's hard to believe that tomorrow marks six months since the girls came to stay at my house. It's also hard to believe that ever since they came to my house, all I have heard is "we are trying to get you home"...and yet, here they still are. To be honest, I actually don't think their mom appears to have done what she needed to do to get them back, but they could still be going back soon. I talked to the service coordinator on Thursday, and she said she thought it was important for me to go to court on Tuesday. I think I've watched too many court shows, because that makes me very nervous! Of course, I was CURIOUS as to what will happen in court and thought being a "fly on the wall" would be cool, but being in attendance with a possibility of having the judge talk to me is quite daunting!

Once again, the girls' mom "flaked out" on getting them for a visit yesterday...while I was at work. She loves pulling that when my family has to deal with the "fall out". However, this time we had discussed what needs to happen so we don't continue to enable her (like last Sunday when she "conned" us both into bringing the girls to her AND picking them up). I told her that if she couldn't come get them, then there would be no visit. Period. End of story.

I wasn't sure if she would really come to get the girls today and I volunteered to help with an event at the hospital, so I was a little worried. I did actually text her at 9:30 to make sure she was coming because I was supposed to be there between 9:30 and 10. She said she was on her way and I was very excited! The event at the hospital went really well (it was a location for the international "Help-Portrait" event :) ). I "only" stayed until 2 before going shopping with my aunt and cousin. My extended family decide to adopt the girls, their brothers, and their mom for Christmas. My aunt collected money and also gifts. They are going to have an AWESOME Christmas (seriously, my family went above and beyond and it really warms my heart). My one aunt got TONS of towels and house things for the mom and each of the kids is getting quite a few things, including hats, gloves, pajamas, toys and a flat iron, curling iron, and warm coat for the teen. Just amazing, and so sweet. I'm not sure if the girls will still be residents of my house come Christmas, but they will definitely be thinking about our family :)

Here's a few pictures of what we've been up to this last month--painting pottery, raking leaves, donating hair, going to homecoming, and putting up the Christmas tree.

All day long, I was thinking maybe I'll be okay when they go back home...and then when they got home, I was wondering what I'll do without them.

In other news, guy from church and I have had two "texting" conversations this week and then tonight talked for nearly 40 minutes...just sayin' ;)

You: Create: Birthday Canvas

Never in "a million years" did I think I would participate in Sara's "You: create" series. Seriously, the creative part of my brain doesn't really work that well. Nope, definitely leave that kind of stuff to Sara and Ginger. :)

However, last week, the teen turned sixteen. Sweet sixteen and I had no clue how/if she would be celebrating with her family. I wanted to do something special for her, something more than a shirt or a pair of shoes. I was definitely inspired by Sara and her canvases (I actually won one of her "Hump Day Givaways" and that canvas hangs where I put this one for the picture--it says "God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him." ~Jim Elliot) and decided I would make attempt at a birthday canvas.

I posted the idea out there on "twitter" because I wasn't sure what quote I wanted to use. Sara (of course) recommended song lyrics. That is perfect because the teen is ALWAYS singing. However, she has WAY too many favorite songs! At the time she was listening to Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" a million times a day, but I thought those lyrics were a little "cheesy" coming from me ;)

Ginger introduced me to the Lady Antebellum song "I Was Here" when she visited me last November and I introduced it to the teen. The first time I heard it, I bawled...and it still hit me for a while (now I can hear it without crying, but it's still awesome!) I had Ginger help me figure out what part of the song to use...and I think it works perfectly.

Without further adieu:

I used paint from every room in my house: The background is called "Khaki Shorts" and is the color of my basement and the upstairs hallway. The green squares/rectangles is called "Kiwi Kissed" and is the color of my living room. I can't remember the name of the yellow, but is the color of my bathroom. There are lavender "dots" using paint from the office that was so dried up that all I could get were dots. I believe the red is called  "Bordeaux" and is the color of my kitchen. The blue paint for the words (the dark is I think "Cameron's Eyes", but I can't remember the light blue and I'm too lazy to go to the garage to check the paint cans!) is from the girls' bedroom. The light blue is the wall color and the dark blue is the trim.

I'm not going to lie, I was SO stressed out about it and honestly can't believe I actually decided to do something like this! However, I'm really happy about how it turned out. :)

I can't post any pictures of her with it since she's my foster daughter, but my sister was sitting across from her when she opened it at dinner and said she appeared to really like it.

Plus, she asked for my camera so she could post a picture of it on facebook...and I'm pretty much thinking that for a 16-year-old, that is confirmation of approval/like ;)

Well, this could be my one-and-only time to participate in Sara's You: Create, but hop on over to her page to check out what the creative folks are doing. 

Three Years Ago

Three years ago, I was six months into this blogging thing. At that point, I was mostly following blogs of women who blogged while they carried their babies who were not expected to live. I was entering the one year anniversary of a time when something like fifteen of our patients passed away in a three month period of time. Another "favorite" patient was struggling to survive, but I did find hope in those blogs, even though I read as each of them buried their babies....their babies, those children meant something to me, and even three years later, they remain part of me.

Three years ago to the minute of the time I will set this to post, an amazing baby named Poppy Joy entered this world...and left it three hours later. This post will be my third "tribute" to her and her life. I just re-watched the video I posted on her first birthday. It is sad, but it also is a reminder that every life has value, and each moment of her short life was important. To me, just as I wrote in this post, that video wasn't about Poppy Joy dying, it was about her LIVING. Even three years later, she is touching lives...and my life obviously has been forever changed by hers. I can't hear the song played in the video without thinking about Poppy Joy--that is "her" song.

I haven't spoken to her mom in quite some time, but did have a dream the other night with her in it..."random", but not really ;) From her facebook page, it appears that Poppy Joy will have a little brother in the very near future :)

In the post I wrote last year on her second birthday, I mentioned how many blessings, and amazing friendships I have found by having this blog, and reading the blogs of others. I definitely didn't know when I wrote that post how many MORE friends I would have now :) (By the way, I "planted" paperwhites again this year, but they didn't grow nearly as many flowers-sad!)

So, here's to Poppy Joy. Happy third birthday, sweet baby girl.

On a Personal Note...

I decided to see if I could write a post that doesn't include anything about the girls or my frustration/irritation with their mother. This will be brief ;)

Last Sunday, the girls were at a visit with their mom and I was at work, so actually got to go to Mass and sing with the choir. All during Mass, I kept catching the eye of a guy who was sitting in the pews alone. I did note that he was not wearing a ring ;)

After Mass, I could kinda tell that he was going to come talk to me, but one of the choir members starting asking me questions and we talked for a bit...while he waited for me in the pews.

We walked out together and he told me that he liked one of the songs we sang. I told him it was one of my favorites, that I'm definitely a choir singer, not a soloist, that I hadn't been able to sing as often because of my work schedule and foster kids, etc.

He asked me what I did and I said I was a pediatric nurse and where I worked. He said "well, you must know my sister then..." Yep, she definitely worked on my floor for about 5 years, but just left to work in labor and delivery. Small world?! Um, yep, I think so!

I was kind of in a hurry since I was baby-sitting my nephew while my sister got her hair done, but we talked for a little while. The next day, I texted his sister to say "fyi, your brother came to talk to me after Mass..." He had told her and both of us agreed that the conversation was "nice". He had asked her to ask me if she could give him my number...well, if he wants it, then sure ;)

He called and left a message on my voice mail Friday while I was at work. I feel bad for him because I can imagine how hard it was to work yourself up to calling someone only to get a voice mail. I texted him to let him know that I got his message, but was working the next three days and probably wouldn't get around to calling until at least Monday. His mom and sister are both nurses and his dad is a pilot for the life flight helicopter, so he understands the crazy hours...very nice :)

I decided I didn't want to make it a "big deal" at work and try to keep this part of my "personal life" out of work, but found myself alone at lunch yesterday with a co-worker I trust who knows his sister even more than I do. What she told me made me even more excited to call him and find out more about him. He is a high school athletic trainer who has run a half-marathon which is something I have thought would be cool to try (maybe...ha!) I already know a bit about his family from working with his sister and he goes to Mass, even by himself...so, I'm thinking my goal will be to get at least "two dates" out of this ;) (For any new "readers"...ha!...I'm known in these parts as the "one date wonder" because first dates are all that I've done since breaking up with my one-and-only boyfriend at the beginning of my junior year in college.)

Now, I need to take a deep breath and one day at a time instead of planning our wedding and the rest of our lives together...because that's the kind of person I am and possibly why I have not been a "two date person" in quite some time ;)

Well, there's my post that's only about me and not me that is the foster mom ;) Speaking of...maybe I should get the little one out of bed so she takes a nap for me this afternoon.

Good day.

Thankful for the Girls

This year, I am especially thankful for these girls that God brought into my life. They have taught me so much, and my life is truly changed for the better because they are in it. I am also thankful for my family who has helped me SO much in making being a foster mom to these girls possible. They are flexible and patient and understanding. They are there when all I can do is cry (or scream in frustration of "the system" and how things are).

Yesterday was particularly rough since the teen was off school and I figured the girls would spend the day with their family. I hadn't talked to their mom since Sunday, and she talked (VERY) briefly to the teen on Tuesday, her 16th birthday. Yesterday, the 24th, apparently is the day the whole family gets together to celebrate the teen's birthday, her brothers birthday, and her grandma's birthday (both of theirs are on the 24th). I heard NOTHING from the mom regarding the party plans...and the only contact the girls had with their family yesterday was when the teen called to wish her brother and her grandma happy birthday. The siblings were with the mom, and here we were at home...

I seriously cried intermittently throughout the day because I was SO sad for these girls. The little one didn't really have a clue, although she did know it was her brother's birthday and they were not at a party for him. The teen takes things all in stride and seriously amazes me with her strength (I couldn't hold myself together, but don't think she actually saw me crying.)

Instead of moping around all day (since the girls definitely were not!), I decided we would get out my Christmas decorations and "make Christmas" as the little one said. There have been (too many) years that I we didn't put up a tree and I was looking forward to doing this with them. Granted, I didn't want it to be for this reason, but we were all at home and it worked.

The teen helped me rearrange furniture in the living room so we could put up the "big tree". Then, she decorated a little tree for their room. We have another tree that will go up in the basement, but she was all decorated out.

I suppose it is fitting that my previous post was about being thankful for thorns because we definitely had to make the most of a day that wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be.

My stomach was churning just wondering if the girls would be spending Thanksgiving with their family or not. I was in the shower at 8:25 AM when the girls' mom called to say she was on her way to get them. The girls were sound asleep, but got ready in time for their 9:00 AM pick-up. She's apparently a really crappy planner/communicator, but at least they will be with their family. I'm looking forward to spending it with mine.

Happy Thanksgiving to all :)

Thankful for Thorns

This past Thursday, I attended a Thanksgiving retreat for the fourth year in a row. This facilitator called it "God Surprises Us", but did use the same basic program that was used when I attended the same retreat two years ago. However, with different people, a different facilitator, and being in a "different place", it didn't really seem like the same retreat. There was a wonderful balance between structured time together, time for sharing, and time alone to do whatever we needed to do. Last year was a lot more structured, but it worked too. I love having this blog so I can look back at where I was, what I was dealing with, and how. Looking back to the first year I attended this retreat, I recall how much I NEEDED that time away. I was just about to come upon the one year anniversary of a time at work when we lost something like fifteen of our patients in a couple of short months. That time was a much needed "break" from all that was happening at home/work. Actually, all four years were much needed "respite" from the busyness of life. This year was no exception.

The teen was at school and my sister agreed to watch the little one so I could go. My aunt went in for surgery for her breast cancer that day, so I was able to ask the group for extra prayers for that (speaking of...I haven't talked to my aunt OR sent her a card yet...bad niece!)

During our first time of quiet reflection, we were given this to ponder: "Think of a time when you experienced a happy surprise. An insight? Awareness of beauty? Discovering the depth of a friendship? Note the presence of God in the midst of these. Note whether or not you experienced gratitude. What are special blessings that you are receiving today? How does that awareness affect your life?"


I reflected on this foster parent journey I am on and how people continue to just "pop out of nowhere" exactly when I need reassurance, advice, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a reminder not to take things for granted. I have found the most amazing people online, which to most people I know "in real life" makes little-to-no sense. However, this is where I am free to write about my struggles and my frustrations, but also about the blessings of all that is happening in the world around me...even the struggles. I am able to see my growth in part because of what is "documented" here and because of those who have been walking this journey with me.

I listened to music (particularly, this album from Nicol Sponberg that I absolutely love...I listened to "You Are My God" and "He Remembers Me" a couple of times) and reflected on the trust and faith that have allowed me to see how perfect His timing is, and that He is with me every step on this journey of unknowns.

I flipped open the Bible and found Psalm 48:1--Great is the Lord and wholly to be praised in the city of our God. I then turned to Proverbs 10:22 (since my birthday is 10/22 and I'm a dork like that ;) )--It is the Lord's blessing that brings wealth, and no effort can substitute for it. Interesting...

The second session was looking at the struggles and challenges of life. We had been asked to reflect on our struggles and times when sad or difficult surprises interrupted our lives. The reflection stated, "It is one thing to be grateful for the obvious blessings in life...it is quite another thing to thank God for the hardships of life...Yet even the hardships of life can be viewed as blessings, for they often strengthen us and keep us aware of our absolute need for God."

We were then given an opportunity to share and I spoke of the blessing of the AMAZING nurse who cared for my grandfather on the day he passed away. That was an awful day, but it didn't seem quite so bad with her presence, kindness, and knowing EXACTLY what all of us needed in those moments. I also reflected on the challenges of parenting a teen and a toddler that are not "mine" while loving them as if they were. I try very hard not to stay in "struggle mode" for very long, especially since God has blessed me with people in my life who have shown me how to see the "gift of the thorn". The facilitator had someone read a story about being thankful for thorns. It is long, but I will post it at then end of this (already super long!) post :)

Above the couch where I was sitting for my reflecting was a picture that had this quote on the bottom: "Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." ~Henry David Thoreau

After lunch, I went outside to walk the Labyrinth. It was something that I was really looking forward to doing this day, even though it was pretty chilly outside (I went out there without a jacket...oops!) It is amazing to me that I have walked it four times and had completely different experiences each time.

This year, I found myself focusing on being grateful for the unknown. The facilitator was a teacher/the campus minister at my high school when I was there. Sixteen years ago, I never would have imagined my life being like this. My fourteen-year-old self most definitely saw myself married with a couple of little kids (maybe four or five ;) ) I would not have chosen some of the things He has chosen for me to see and experience, but I would have missed out on the blessings going through those experiences brought me. As I walked the labyrinth, I realized that I did not know what was around the corner on this path, or my life's path. Because I have no idea what is around the corner, I need to make sure to enjoy this time, this place. None of us really knows what tomorrow holds, but my reality is that I have NO idea how much longer these girls will be living in my home. In the mean time, we will create special memories and I will look for teachable moments and opportunities to role model. Every day, I have decisions to make regarding the girls that will affect the future and their transition back home, while at the same time, I must live in the moment and treasure the time that I have with them. It is a conflicting place to be, but I know that God is with me, and I can feel Him, especially as He continues to send the right people to my life exactly when I need them most.

It was a great time away, and I am thankful for this "tradition"...and will strive to thank Him for my thorns.

Here is the story that was shared during the retreat. This is already as super long post, but I want to remember this time...and this story :)

The Thanksgiving “Special” Bouquet

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What’s worse, Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder.

Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an air bag that saved her life but took that of her child?

“Good afternoon, may I help you?” The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

“I...I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving ‘Special’?” asked the shop clerk. “I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. “Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.”

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the door’s small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, “Hi, Barbara...let me get your order.”

She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses; Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

“Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest.

“Uh,” stammered Sandra, “that lady just left with, uh...she just left with no flowers!”

“Right,” said the clerk, “I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk, “and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.” 

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.”

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”

Just then, someone else walked in the shop.

“Hy, Phil!” shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems,” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?”

“No...I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s graced and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from “thorny” times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific ‘problem’ and give thanks for what that problem taught us.”

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special.”

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life,” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too...fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment.

“I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?” Sarah asked.

“Nothing; nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me.” The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. “I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.”

It read:

“My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the life I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.”

Praise Him for your roses, thank him for your thorns.

~Author Unknown

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my mom's youngest sister will be undergoing surgery for her breast cancer. I bought her a card to send weeks ago, but never sent it. I have only seen her once since her diagnosis and it was only briefly. (I also still haven't written thank-yous from my birthday that was HOW many weeks ago?!) The sad thing is that I don't think I can use the girls as an excuse, because there are plenty of times I just sit around knowing there are things I should be doing...I just don't do them.

So, if you find yourself in prayer tomorrow, I would appreciate them for my aunt, her husband and kids, for my grandparents (especially since one of my mom's other sister's had breast cancer surgery three years ago), and for my mom since this whole diagnosis and helping my aunt figure out what to do has been stressful for her.

Also, tomorrow will mark the fourth year in a row I will be attending a Thanksgiving Retreat. I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it work this year, but I'm so thankful it worked out. Each year, it has brought me exactly what I needed and I have no reason to believe this year will be any different (here is a link to last year's post about it that also contains a link to the previous year).

The teen told me tonight that her friends will not be spending the night after the dance on Saturday. I was really looking forward to hosting a sleepover for her birthday celebration, but it is what it is. I'm not sure if she has other ideas about what she wants to do for her birthday, but I guess will just have to wait and see. So far, I have not heard from her mom regarding birthday OR Thanksgiving plans. I suppose I haven't heard her plans for this weekend either, so I shouldn't be surprised!

Good night.

The Perfect Dress

Yes, it would be even more perfect if you could see her smiling face WEARING it, but that isn't to be. She was SO happy when she got home from shopping last night (and then she cleaned her bathroom and the basement including vacuuming and did her laundry...seriously, this girl is super!) Her mom, aunt, and grandma took her shopping. She needed that...and I needed to see that too since it won't be long before she leaves my loving arms and goes back to theirs...that I wasn't convinced were all that super loving.

I'm so excited for her and can't wait for Saturday! Her mom texted me last night after she got home saying "I hope my daughter enjoys Saturday", so she's excited too, although apparently won't be a part of any of the day. She "sort of" asked me to provide transportation to dinner and then to the dance, but is still up-in-the-air as far as if she wants girls to stay over after the dance and if she wants to get her hair/make-up done by someone other than herself/her friends.

Well, there's the "promised" perfect dress picture. I'm wearing the same clothes I put on yesterday after my shower, so I suppose I should at LEAST put on something different before I pick up the teen from school...ha!

To See Her Smile

On Saturday afternoon, I brought the teen to the salon to get her hair cut. My sister and parents gave that to her as a birthday present, since her hair was too hard for my sister to do at home. She didn't want it too short, but decided she would go ahead and donate it since it will grow back. I wish I could show the after pictures with her smiling face, but I obviously cannot. However, know that she was grinning from ear to ear (even if it IS a little shorter than she would have liked!) After her hair cut, my sister took her to dinner and out for ice cream. She was so happy when she got home and that was exactly what I needed after a rough few days with her mom.

I need to focus on that smile, the smile that still sometimes disappears for longer than I would like, but shows up much more often than it did when she first came to live here. I love this girl, and her smile.

This afternoon, after (at least) four cancellations/postponements, her mom is taking her shopping for a dress to wear to the formal that is now merely FIVE days from now. 

I just found out that her mom will be taking her to the G00dwill and that left me with tears dripping down my face. Seriously, that's their mother-daughter outing?! She NEVER spends one-on-one time with her oldest daughter and this is how she is choosing to spend it?! Granted, I will definitely pray that the perfect dress is there, but I'm not holding my breath. This girl, this sweet girl, deserves to go to her Sophomore formal wearing something that makes her smile.

I'm glad I skipped the "family team meeting" this morning because their mom refused to admit that the only one NOT trying hard is her. I had a conversation with her on Saturday letting her know that I felt like I was the one doing all of the arranging/accommodating/communicating and she was giving nothing back. Of course, she disagreed and I had to back peddle a little bit so she wouldn't get angry with me to the point of turning her daughter against me, but I feel MUCH better after getting it off my chest (getting a massage before that conversation definitely helped...ha!) 

I'd better get back to working on a report on what's been going on with visits and communication. I found out at 6:00 this morning that my sister was sick (she texted me at 3:30, but I didn't get it until then).  There was no way she could watch the little one in her condition and I had to be at work by 7. This was the first time I had to go in "Plan B mode" and it did not go well. I ended up finding respite care at 6:50 and told work I could get there by 9. They had already figured things out and marked me down sick, but decided to keep me "on call". I probably could have gotten there by 8, but it was too late to change things back. So, I woke someone up at 6:50, paid her $40, and have been "chilling" at home without any kids all day (after completely messing things up at work).

So, it hasn't been the best few days (yesterday was super crazy busy at work and I guess the "upside" is I didn't have to go back to that!), but it makes me smile to see her smile (and her sister) :)


Update: The teen came home from the MALL with an absolutely perfect dress. It was a definite answer to prayers (yes, I did pray for her to find a "perfect" dress!) Maybe I can sneak a picture of it tomorrow to put on here (without her in it, obviously). It is really cute, above the knee black spaghetti strap dress with a purple sash. Both of us are purple fans and it is just perfect. She got some heels and just looks great (she was ALL smiles when she got home!) I am SO happy for her and am really looking forward to "experiencing" Saturday with her :) Also, I'm going to have to give her mom a "point" because she actually (finally) did what she said she would do. I think her mom said it was $70 for the shoes and dress together which is just awesome!