Not What I Expected

We actually had our "family team meeting" this afternoon. I have been waiting for this face-to-face meeting since before Christmas and had high hopes of getting some answers to my questions and have some of my concerns addressed. I was prepared for a hostile environment, ready to be attacked and forced to keep my mouth shut in order to maintain some sort of peace. I wondered if I would speak my mind, or bite my tongue if an opportunity presented itself to express my point of view on the situation. I wasn't prepared for a calm, civil conversation, but also wasn't ready to be given a completely different message than I received yesterday.

While I spoke with the service coordinator for over 20 minutes yesterday as she told me I was being too nice, too accommodating, and needed to stop providing transportation for visits, today ended with me transporting the little one to visits 2-3 days a week. Since mom came with her sob story of how she can't enjoy visits because she is stressed about finding transportation, the service coordinator is going to the "higher ups" in her agency to get someone to transport the girls to and from visits on the weekends and the little one back here on the days I take her there. (I'm not sure how I managed to keep my mouth shut that she could use Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to help her figure out transportation for the weekend, but I did.) So, here we are back where their mom sits at home while everyone else is working hard to make sure she sees her kids. (Ok, that isn't nice...she does not appear to be working hard to get her girls, but it sounds like she does somehow get transportation to pick up the boys.)

As I heard yesterday, it isn't illegal to be lazy. It is, however, hard to watch.

At one point, I did speak up and was able to make a point. The State will pay for day care directly if you send your child to an approved day care. Last summer, when I got the girls, the two were definitely attached and 15-year-olds obviously can't go to day care. So, rather than split the two, my sister took both of them on the days that I work and I paid her from my "stipend". My sister is staying at home with her son and needed money and I still was able to pretty much keep my routine rather than getting kids to day care prior to being at work by 7 and figuring out what day care would keep them until after 8 PM on some days. So, it was a win-win for me, my sister, and the girls...

Their mom totally told me that I should use the money I pay my sister to watch the little one to pay for someone to transport her to and from visits rather than send her to my sister's while I'm at work.

Oh yes she did.

And I was pissed. So, I shared with her the above facts that the REASON my sister watches them and the State doesn't directly pay for it (since she proclaimed that the State most definitely would pay for day care if she was in HER custody) was because of a choice I made to benefit HER kids. The service coordinator quickly took over and twisted the words to make it seem like she didn't actually say that, and the mom semi back-tracked, but I know she said it and she meant it. The coordinator set mom straight that it is not my responsibility to pay for that (and really, it isn't the agency's responsibility to provide transportation either since at this stage of the game, she ought to be self-sufficient/responsible).

Mom addressed the questions regarding the teen continuing to attend school where she is now by saying she is going to get a grant and the teen will take the bus to and from school (mind you, I live in a city with pretty crappy public transportation that also gets "a bit" of snow). No one asked the teen if she was okay with that being her mode of transportation, but I guess she doesn't have a choice.

And that was that. Not what I expected, but at least now they are going to get visits. I wanted the little one to have time with her mom without the other kids there and she is going to get it. I probably should have said something about the fact that if she was so stressed about not being able to see them, she could pick up the phone and call them, but didn't even think about it in the moment.

Then, for whatever reason, the little one was a mess when we got home. She had meltdown upon meltdown and was put to bed early without a bath. Her nap was cut a little bit short, but I didn't think it was enough to create that much drama. These visits with her mom are going to end right in the middle of her nap which she won't get, so those days are going to be super fun. I tried to deal with the initial meltdown by putting her in her room/bed until she was done crying, but the teen swooped in and got her up and held her/etc. going into super protective mom mode. I don't recall her doing that since one of the first weeks they were with me, so I have no clue what was up with that. Maybe she got something out of that meeting that I didn't...maybe they both did. It was just odd and she was unusually quiet before and during dinner (she gets really quiet when she is stressed and she took Excedrin for her headache which she doesn't do very often). I almost thought she wasn't going to come eat dinner with us and she has never skipped dinner. Now that it's later in the evening, I have learned that she is working on a theology paper on the Dead Sea Scrolls that is really stressing her out. So, maybe that was it, but I also think something at the meeting set her off. I tried to keep my mouth shut for the most part, especially not saying anything negatively to or about her mom.

All in all, it wasn't what I expected, but I do think I will feel (at least a little bit) more comfortable with the little one going home after she has spent time bonding with her mom. From what I have heard, she was not the primary caregiver, even though she would never admit that. I also said that I needed a "transition" and not having the little one here with me on my days off will be a definite change (even though she will only be gone from 9-2:30 for now). Once she moves into her new apartment, they can have overnight visits. I'm not sure what that transition will look like, but it's coming. It sounds like after that, they may request a hearing sooner than the current May 31st date to move them back permanently. Of course, I imagine she needs to hold up her end of the deal and keep to the scheduled visits (which ought to be easier since she doesn't have to do anything except be home, but you never know!)

More to come in this saga...never a dull moment ;)
Good night.

I Hate This

I was at work today, but called the service coordinator during a quiet time this morning and we ended up talking for over 20 minutes (a little long, but I did go check on my patient's shortly after that!) Basically, I want direction on what is supposed to be happening with transportation and visits. I worked on my January report yesterday and the girls have had FIVE visits this month. Only ONCE did their mom provide round-trip transportation. Pretty much all of the months since she was supposed to be responsible for transportation have things been like this. I have been told more than once that I don't have to provide transportation, and sometimes have been told that I SHOULD NOT provide transportation (or have my parents provide transportation). However, she always seems to put me in a tough spot and I have a REALLY hard time holding my ground, being the "bad guy", appearing to be difficult to work with, etc.

My family and I are kind-hearted people. We like to help other people. So, saying no is just as hard for my parents as it is for me. Plus, if they don't go on a visit, then sometimes my parents "have" to watch them. Sure, they are really good kids, but it still takes energy to "entertain" and sometimes a break is nice :)

Their mom has unsupervised visits, so she can have them whenever she wants. She just can't have them overnight yet because her apartment is too small (I thought she was moving to a bigger apartment 2 weeks ago, but apparently that hasn't happened). However, she takes them for up to nine hours on Saturdays and Sundays and doesn't call during the week. That is all. She does not have a job. She has not had a job the entire time her kids have been in foster care...nearly fourteen months now.

Back to the service coordinator conversation...she said that if she calls in the morning to say she can't come get the girls, or can't get them home, then they can't have a visit. However, Saturday morning their mom texted me before she picked them up to say they needed a ride home and I was at work. She had them at a visit and they aren't supposed to spend the night, so what was I supposed to do (my dad picked them up)? Yesterday, she said she couldn't get them because of the weather, but I felt bad and my dad drove them there with her word that she would get them back (I texted her five times before I let my dad drive them to make sure she really would get them back to my house). Last week, I picked them up because her ride got a flat tire. The week before, my mom dropped them off because she was going to send a taxi for them (that has since been "nixed" as an option). So, basically, if we didn't help, then they wouldn't see their mom AT ALL...and apparently that isn't supposed to be something that stresses me out.

However, it doesn't seem to be in the best interest of the girls if they ARE to be going home "soon" for them to go home after being out of the home for over a year after not even getting regular visits. So, I feel stuck. The coordinator said she knows I'm "just trying to do the right thing", but I guess we just have to be mean, even if it hurts the girls in the process.

Have I mentioned I hate this?!

I've known since my Day 1 (June 5) that reunification was the goal. I get that. I understand that when they ARE with her, she feeds them and takes care of their physical needs. Their safety is not at risk. However, if she REALLY wanted them back, like REALLY wanted them back, then why is it taking her so long to do what she needs to do to get them? And why isn't she doing everything in her power to see them each and every day (or at least call them)? And if "everyone" knows that she likes the "idea" of having her kids more than "actually" having them, then why can't something be done? This part-time mom is a sweet gig for her, especially when other people are working harder than she is to make sure she sees her kids...and yet all she can say is that no one is helping her (although I do get an occasional thank you which is much appreciated ;) ).

Yes I do know that I signed up to be a foster mom ;)

The coordinator asked mom why she doesn't come get the little one every day since she doesn't go to school and mom doesn't work. She said it's because my sister watches the little one (I texted my sister that answer and she said "Did you say 'yes she watches her because you don't take her-duh!'" I laughed at that one...seriously, duh! Plus, I only work three days a week and have been working a lot of weekends, so there were 3-4 days a week she could have had her all day long.)

I thought that I was doing my best at doing the "tough love" thing, but guess I am still being "too nice". However, these girls are supposed to be going home soon and there is potential that they will just go home without any sort of transition. Personally, I need some kind of transition for myself to adjust to them not being there and I don't really feel that selfish for thinking that. I have been taking care of these girls day in and day out for over 7 1/2 months, loving them all through their mom leaving town, canceling visits, shortening visits, and putting forth minimal (at best) effort to have any sort of contact with them. They both attack me with their chatting about this and that as soon as I walk in the door from work. The little one tells me she loves me all day long. The teen told me she wants to take voice lessons, try out for the sophomore talent show, and be on the cheerleading squad next year. She shares her accomplishments and tells me dreams for her future. I'm there when they go to bed and I'm there when they wake up (most days). I can't even imagine these things coming to an abrupt halt...and knowing that their mom hasn't done a single thing to get them back (but will anyway) just makes it even worse.

If they are going home whether they have one visit or twenty, then maybe I shouldn't stress out about it, but that's way easier said than done. The little one has spent over 1/3 of her life in foster care and was barely bonded to her mom before then, so is it really "fair" to just throw her back to someone she "visits" maybe twice a week? The teen has spent the past 14 months being a kid rather than a parent, so I'd like to hear that she will continue to get to be a teenager when she goes home.

All this rambling on and on and I still don't know what to think or what is "right". Hopefully we will make some progress during our family team meeting tomorrow afternoon. Prayers are definitely appreciated...we all need them :)

Good night.

I Know, I Know

It's been way too long since I posted a real entry here. I really need to make time to write one because I have so much going on and have had many posts in my head that never made it here (or at least haven't yet!) The thing is, I'm not a quick writer (even though I'm a fast typer!) and it hasn't seemed like I would have enough time to write all I wanted to write. Even now, I'm tired and work tomorrow, so probably won't have enough time to write much. However, I wanted to post something, just in case there are people who come here who are worried about me ;)

The girls are still living with me and I still love them bunches. They have been here 7 1/2 months now and I've been hearing that they were "going home soon" pretty much since the first day they came. However, the "soon" really could be SOON, as in weeks, but no one can tell me when or what that will look like. Their mom has been granted overnight visits as soon as she moves into a bigger apartment. However, I am pretty sure she was approved before Christmas and thought it would be ready this week or next (or last!), but who knows how long it will take her to move and get it ready. She frustrates me SO much, especially the fact that she never calls to talk to her girls. My thing is, I'm a STRANGER and she should be calling to check on them at LEAST three times a week. Yes, I'm a nice stranger who loves her girls, but still, it makes me sad that she doesn't think it is important to talk to them. I have lost track of how many times she has canceled visits (okay, not really lost track because I have documented each and every one of them, but you know what I mean ;) ). She canceled last Friday, and all Friday visits until further notice, because "it isn't worth it to pay someone to do transportation for a 3 1/2 hour visit".

With the Friday visits being canceled, she now sees the girls from 10-7:30 on Saturdays and Sundays...and that's the only contact she has with them. However, I am reminded (and tell myself) that this is not a safety risk, so there isn't a reason they should not be back with her. I know that I am lucky in that sense, that I know they will be going back to a clean place where they are warm and fed. I have been doing this "mind over matter" mantra for weeks in preparation for them leaving--I know they will be "ok", I know that the love and stability they have received is an experience that cannot be taken away, I know I have made a difference, I know they can continue to communicate with me even after they go home if they want, and I know that there are a lot of people who will be there for me when my house becomes too quiet.

I knew that one of the hardest parts of being a foster parent is saying good-bye, especially the first time. However, I don't think you can really prepare for this. I think if I knew what was going to happen, if I could really prepare for a certain day, that would help SO much. Instead, I have no clue, no direction besides "soon", and that there is no plan. However, since I don't know when or what or how, that means I am making the most of each and every day, as it should be :) We laugh, we talk, we play, we simply enjoy each other's company...and will continue to do that for as long as we can.

So, that's a little bit about what's been going on around here :) I wish I could write short little blog posts frequently, but I'm not very good at being "brief" ;)

Good night.

For Fun

I'm going to try to get a "serious" blog post out later today/tonight, but I found this quiz on Nikki's blog and decided to try it out. I'm not a "pet person", but definitely would go for a dog over a cat if I had to make a choice. So, without further delay, the quiz told me that if I were a dog, I'd be a...



discover your dog breed @ quiz meme

Non-Meeting Meeting

I was "a bit" stressed out about the family team meeting to be held this afternoon. Even though I thought it would be rough, I was hoping it would be productive, since the past few have not been. The girls are to be going back home very soon, but there are some things that need to be addressed...well, at least things that I think need to be addressed! Personally, I haven't seen an ounce of progress in their mom since the girls came to me over seven months ago which doesn't make me very positive in thinking she isn't going to repeat the behavior that led them to be taken from the home initially. Anyway, I had a "mini conversation" with the teen this morning letting her know I care about her a lot and want what's best for her, but the family team meeting could be tough. There are some things that I'd like to get off my chest, but wasn't sure if I'd really get rid of them at this meeting. However, I kind of wanted her be a little prepared for some harsh words directed at her mom either by me or someone else. Going back home is going to drastically change her life as she has known it for the past thirteen months--some changes obviously are good ones, but others are not. I was thankful she was seeing her counselor before the meeting, and was "lucky" that her counselor called me this morning (since she had written down the appointment for yesterday and wondered why we missed it) so I was able to give her a "heads up" that the afternoon may be hard for the teen.

All that planning/stress was for nothing, though, since when we showed up at mom's apartment, the agency worker was there, but their mom was not. The coordinator arrived shortly after we did and said she had just received a call that the girls' mom was not coming since she was at the unemployment or employment office. Kind of hard to have a "family team meeting" without the mom. (If you are keeping track, no this is not the first time she hasn't showed for a meeting and/or canceled and/or postponed one...pretty sure it's at least the third time, if not the fourth.) We were able to have a "mini-meeting", but couldn't really talk about her without her there, or address any concerns, or have any questions answered, or do much of anything. However, we I did make a point to tell the teen that she HAS to talk to her mom about how important school, HER school, is to her. She is doing amazing there, and did express she would like to graduate from that school. However, it is going to take some commitment on her mom's part, and apparently a lot of extra effort on the teen's part to get to and from school. She was pretty quiet, but she typically is when the conversation is tough (I'm not a fan of the "tough stuff" either...we are two of a kind...ha!) and I'm not sure what she thought about the possibility that the little one would go home first, then their brothers, and then her....

However, even with all of that, no one is able to tell me if there will be a "transition", or if all the kids will just go home at once one day. And, no one knows if this will be two weeks from now, four weeks from now, six weeks from now...their mom has proven to be awful at planning, so who knows how long it will take her to get her new place ready once she gets it!

So, now I need to get myself ready for these conversations another time (hopefully they will plan the next meeting on a day I can go, because I need to be there!). This seriously is messing with me big time! Remember, back before Christmas I wanted to have one of these "heart-to-hearts", prepared myself on at least two different days, maybe three, only to have the service coordinator be there by speakerphone which made it much more difficult. I prepared my heart for them to leave in August, then I prepared myself in case they some how left in between August and the early December court hearing, then I prepared myself for early December, and now when it is closing in on reality, I have no idea what or how to prepare.

In other news, we woke up to no heat...my house was 60 degrees when the teen and I got up at 6:15. I called at 6:40 and the technician arrived by 8:20 to fix it. Awesome! As it turned out, there was a bird in the furnace, but that wasn't the reason I had no heat. We could hear it moving and I was watching him work while sipping my coffee. He asked if I was afraid of birds. I said no, but didn't expect it to come flying out of there, so spilled my coffee everywhere when I jumped! He flew around my basement and then made his way up to the kitchen, then he trapped him in the living room before we directed him out the front door. Exciting morning (he did poop on my kitchen windows...yuck!) The heat was back on before 9:00 and I sent out a recommendation for the company on fb ;)

What a day, what a day. This isn't what I planned to blog about today, but at least I had time to blog something.
Night!

Resistant

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster...well, maybe not so much a roller coaster, since it felt like I spent more time than up, but a roller coaster works ;) I guess the great part of this week is knowing how incredibly blessed I am to have so many people who care about me and are committed to praying for me and supporting me as I work through my current and upcoming changes (that have left me emotional and occasionally irrational ;) ).

Last Sunday, I got to talk to Ginger on Skype which was exactly what I needed...and as the week progressed, she reminded me that boys are not aliens and gave me reasons to smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I love you Ging :)

Monday I met with my counselor and Friday I met with my Spiritual Director. Both of these women have been with me for over a year as I worked through the changes that were occurring in my life during THAT time. They were there when I came to the realization that I did not need to explain to anyone that I really WAS happy with my life as a single 30-year-old. In fact, I think this could be one of the "issues" I have with dating. I struggled for a long time with the pressure from society (and well-meaning family/friends) that there was no way happy and single was possible at my age. Then, I reached the point where I was "filling my own bucket" and truly was content with where my life was, and the path I was on. So, even though a girl can change her mind, this girl obviously does not deal well with change and I am feeling resistant to going down a path I was (am?) convinced I do not need (or want?)

I have always dreamed about being someone's mom, but have rarely considered being someone's wife. I'm not sure why this is, but I do have excellent role models of the single AND married variety. I suppose I do know that dating does not (always) equal marriage, so there isn't a really good reason not to go out and have fun when I have the chance (and maybe get a free meal or something in the mean time ;) ). However, I guess I have put my heart out there in so many other areas of my life and this is the one area where I have succeeded in protecting it, I am not exactly excited about stepping out of my comfort zone. As silly as it sounds, the resistance is real.

As if one "change" isn't enough, I am continuing to attempt to prepare my heart for the girls to leave my home. Unfortunately, there are many mixed messages, and no clear direction on when this will happen or what it will look like. My "number crunching" which led to the realization that although their mom could have "unlimited" visits and unlimited phone calls, the girls saw her EIGHT times in December, and the only time she talked to them on the phone was maybe THREE out of the FIVE times she canceled visits. The teen was off school for FIFTEEN days for the break and saw her mom FOUR times (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). Needless to say, this ticked me off to no end and I'm having a hard time working through my disgust at her inability to see that a "perfect" mom would not go for days without talking to their children who are living in a stranger's home. The little one has spent nearly 1/3 of her life living without her mom and there is a possibility that she is going to go home without some sort of transition. To my knowledge, there is not an established plan of how the teen will get to and from school since her private school does not have a school bus. She has done absolutely amazing during the time she has been in foster care in attempting to catch up educationally after the gaps there obviously were in her schooling, but it has required a lot of extra time before and after school with her teachers (and independent, relatively quiet, studying at home)...

I could go on and on, but the reality is that they will be going home...and they will be going home soon. I always knew this was going to happen, but I had no idea what it would feel like. Yes, I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea HOW hard. For a long time, I felt sorry for their mom, gave her the benefit of the doubt, and trusted she was doing her best. Now, I have reached the point where I really don't like her. I don't like the way she treats her girls and I don't like the way she uses and abuses the system. I also don't really like that I don't like her, because my natural instinct is to like everyone, or at least look for the best in them. The truth is, no matter how much it hurts my heart to think about them leaving, my resistance isn't going to make them stay. In fact, the only one hurt by the resistance is me. Their mom doesn't care that I don't think she has proven she should get her kids back, and since there is no safety risk, the State doesn't see a reason to keep them in foster care. So, the "war" that is going on inside is a battle I am trying to stop fighting so I can truly enjoy what is left of what has been a life-changing experience.

Well, I had hopes of this being a "soul-searching" post, and I suppose in some ways I do feel a bit better, so I guess it has served it's purpose in that sense ;) Hopefully I can make time to "journal" a little more frequently during this time in order to unload the emotions/stress little by little. Wednesday is the "big" family team meeting, so hopefully I will know more about the transition plan, or if there will be a transition. I am hoping that if I have a "date" when they are going home, I will have an easier time understanding that it really IS going to happen and can "prepare" accordingly (whatever that looks like!)

I'd better go do some laundry/dishes/cleaning while the girls are gone or the teen will wonder what I did with all of my time...ha! I'm going to miss that girl so much!

What to Say

I don't even know what to say, so I haven't said anything (or, rather, written). I'm a "mess". I think that says it best. I talked to Ginger on Skype for over an hour Sunday night and just bawled (poor little one...we had to tell her Ginger was making me laugh really hard!) Earlier in the day, I saw the "guy from church" after church and am afraid I was kind of rude...or at least "short" with him (I also believe I was on Saturday when he called too). Ginger helped me a lot (she looked me in the eye...gotta love Skype!...and instructed me NOT to be mean to the boy!) However, it is Wednesday and I still haven't talked to him. I met with my amazing counselor on Monday afternoon, and again just bawled. She also pointed out that honesty is the way to go and he WILL understand.

My life as I have known it for the past seven months is about to be turned upside down...only I don't know when or how it is going to look...and I have zero control over that (even though I have pointed out that the girls had eight visits the entire month of December with five canceled visits--the teen was off school for 15 days and saw her mom 4 times). I have wanted to talk to the teen to really tell her how much she and her sister have meant to me and my life these past seven months...and let her know that I'm not going anywhere. I also want to tell her that her mom sucks, but that's not really appropriate and she probably already knows ;) However, like with "the boy", I haven't found the right time/place, so have said nothing.

Thank goodness I'm not prone to ulcers, or I would most definitely have one. I am not sure how many times I teared up driving to and from the WIC office this morning, both about the girls and about the conversation I need to have with the boy. You would think that I would just get it over with, but I haven't. As if all of this wasn't enough, the nun who taught me piano and voice passed away at the age of 99 1/2 on Monday night...and one of the "favorite" patients passed away yesterday at the age of 5 1/2.  Plus, I'm in the middle of getting my series of hormone labs drawn with hopes(?) of officially diagnosing me with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). That, and I am not sure how many (kindly curious) co-workers asked me about the "dating" yesterday.

It's been a rough week and it's only Wednesday. I suppose I should have titled this "I NEED to Say..." rather than "What" because I know what I need to do, I just don't know how...or don't want to because it is "hard".

I still haven't 100% decided on my "One Word" for 2011...I probably should use commitment or something since I'm obviously struggling with that! However, maybe "trust" is still a good choice...I was going to use "journey" since there was a really good reflection about journey in relation to the Wise Men on Epiphany Sunday last week. I'm still thinking about it though...and then maybe will like to Alece's post...maybe ;)

Alright, I suppose I should play with the little one, but I felt like I should post something here...especially for anyone who looks here, but doesn't read my "tweets" ;)

Prayers are obviously accepted/appreciated as I am on this journey of the unknowns. We have a family team meeting next Wednesday. I'm not sure when the girls' mom's apartment will be ready, but I suppose if there is not to be a "transition", they could go back as early as next week. Personally, I haven't seen any "progress" on her part from the time that the girls first went into care, but what do I know?!

Good night.

Still Here

It's been busy around here, and a little bit stressful. The girls' mom got them for a couple of visits, canceled a visit, almost canceled a couple of visits, and today the girls chose to stay with me INSTEAD of going on a visit. I heard this week that their mom's apartment will be ready in a week or two and there is a possibility there won't be a "transition" home, simply just go home when she has adequate housing. Needless to say, that left me rather emotional. I love these girls...and I knew they wouldn't stay forever, but the reality is still hard to swallow. Of course, things are ever-changing with no one really knowing "the plan", so they could still be here for spring break...if things go the way I'd like ;) I talked to their first foster mom for the first time in months and we had a nice visit about how the girls are doing. Both of us agreed that God had His hands all over the plan for these girls that included both of our families.

In addition to being stressed about the girls, I'm having issues with this "dating thing". I knew I would, which is why I made an appointment to see my counselor as soon as I could. He has been calling and texting me and invited me to a party and out to brunch. He likes me, he really likes me and I have no clue what to do with that...besides freak out...and occasionally cry. I've been anti-dating for so long and really was/am happy with the way things are going in my life...and change is not easy for me at all. I'm not sure what I'm going to do (besides continue to take deep breaths and "talk it out" as often as I can with people I trust...not at work even though people there try to talk to me about it all the time!)

That brings me to another reason it has taken me so long to write. I really want to participate in a "One Word" challenge I read about on Alece's blog (and a couple of others). Basically, you pick one word to focus on for the year instead of a "resolution". However, I am struggling with what word I want to do! Alece used "risk" last year which is probably along the lines of what I "need" to do, but it sounds too "risky" ;) I think 2010 required a lot of trust and could be a good one to continue into 2011. I've also thought about "open", "courage", "willing", "strength"...a few more that I can't remember right now, but I haven't decided yet. 2011 is definitely going to hold some changes, with at least one really difficult one when the girls go back home, so maybe I need a word that will help me "survive" all of the changes, but maybe also "embrace" them, or gain "perspective" through them. 2010 had its challenges for sure, but I learned a great deal about myself and the many people who care about me. I did a lot of "growing up" last year and becoming a mom, even a "temporary" one, brought even more fulfillment to my life than I imagined.

So, I'm still here, but there's been a lot of "thinking" going on. In the past, this has been a good place for me to "think"...or "talk it out", so I need to remember that. I've also been enjoying my extra time with the teen during her Christmas break...which is a better reason than I have too much going on in my head to blog ;) Right now we are catching up on our Days of Our Lives, so I should wrap this up...hopefully my next post will contain my One Word for 2011 :)

Another One

Another date, that is...and that makes three :) I guess I can no longer keep my title as the "one date wonder"! I dropped the girls off at their mom's place at 10:45 so I was able to meet him for lunch. Of course, he picked a place that is crazy busy at brunch/lunch, but it was fine (he didn't know how crazy it would be!) I got to have quiche which is one of my favorite things (and hash browns...yum!) We met there at 12:30 and left around 2:00, so I'd say that was a nice amount of conversation. He is perfectly ok listening to the saga of being a foster mom and he shared stories of his nephew and about work (he's a high school athletic trainer and teacher in case I haven't mentioned that). It was nice to have a date without a news crew and the family, but I was a little nervous. The fact that I got a new hair cut last week and my bangs were not cooperating with me didn't help! However, the fact that I've lost somewhere between 7 and 9 pounds in the time the girls have been with me DID help me feel pretty cute in the outfit I wore ;) I wore the new sweater the teen picked out for me and he complimented me on it, so I need to remember to tell her (it has sparkles!)

I had a ton of things I wanted to get done while the girls were gone and did manage to get a couple of them done. I went and talked to the agency worker since I needed some background check forms (both in case I continue dating and for a couple of people who have agreed to help me with the girls, but need to have background checks done first) and more monthly report forms (since I don't have any ink in my printer right now). We talked about the kids and their mom and she is okay with them staying with me for as long as they can. I shared that I agree with her idea to send the little one back first because if she and the teen go back together, the little one will just want the teen to do everything because that's where the bond is. When she is here, she lets me put her to bed, give her bath, discipline, etc., but when she is upset, she usually cries for her sister (or me), rather than her mom. That type of transition will be hard on everyone, but I believe it is the best idea to really make sure she is ready to have them back...when this transition will begin, I do not know. So, I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, loving them as best I can while they are here.

Here are a few pictures from Christmas. Hopefully the ones of the little one from Christmas morning are "ok"...they are close to not being "ok", but I'm just going to go with them since it's Christmas :) The first picture is what it looked like as we watched Santa on NORAD come to where we live. The teen and I had fun with that (Santa added a couple of things after the teen went to bed, but she didn't even notice...ha!). I decided to wake them up at 6:20 AM before I had to leave for work at 6:40 AM. It was an early morning for them, and a little selfish of me, but I decided I didn't just want to see pictures from Christmas morning, I wanted to be there too. I'm glad I was too, because she said some pretty funny things! She got a Belle Polly Pocket type thing for her birthday, but naked Belle got lost in the grocery store maybe 6 weeks ago (she still has her clothes, just the doll was missing when we got to the car). So, Santa brought her a replacement Belle which she thought was "awesome" ;) I actually got a "blogable" picture of the teen from when we went to my parents' house after I got off work on Christmas. She rested her head on the table and said she looked like a drunk passed out on the bar, so I had to take a picture! I just love her :) The last picture is my dad and the little one playing with her new Dora book/magnets. I thought it was super cute and had to take a picture :)

We had a great Christmas and I'm enjoying Christmas vacation, even though I do have to work some of it (and the teen is kind of a hermit with her Twilight books, but it is still nice knowing she is here :) ) I have tomorrow off and then it's back to work for three days.

Good night!

Early Christmas

Since I am scheduled to work the 24th, 25th, and 26th, we decided to have Christmas at my mom and dad's tonight. As it turns out, we don't have many patients, so I COULD get tomorrow off, but the girls do not have a visit on the 26th and I decided I should take that day off instead (I don't believe I have enough PTO to cover two days). It definitely worked out well this way, I think, since it was separate from other "gift opening" and not stressful for anyone having to try and have two Christmases in one day.

My grandma came over, which was nice, since this is the first Christmas without my Grandpa. I think she would be the most sad about me not being there tomorrow, but she brought my presents and ones for the girls, so it worked out. The girls LOVED the presents she brought them, so it was nice she was able to watch them open them.

We had breakfast for dinner per my sister's request which included an asparagus frittata (or something like that), a breakfast casserole we always used to have when we were little at my mom's parents' house, and peach cobbler. It was delicious and something different, which was nice.

My nephew was funny with his presents, but was more interested in running around and standing on the little one's Dora bowling set box than opening his presents. Thankfully, the little one was mostly willing to help. That is, when she was willing to put down her presents. It was HILARIOUS to watch her try to hold ALL of her presents as if she was afraid someone else was going to take them or they wouldn't come home with us. Then, she started stacking what she couldn't hold next to my Grandma on the couch. She was so happy with each and every present which made it fun. She loved the Belle fleece blanket I got for her that has her name on it (used a coupon code to make it $12 including personalization  with free shipping=awesome!) My grandma got her a "Baby Doctor Barbie" (which also could be a pediatric nurse I think ;) ) and she loved that too. It's almost 11:00 and she is still awake, so I guess she is pretty excited...good thing she is supposed to be with her mom tomorrow...ha!

Here's some pictures of the little one from my phone. I got some fun ones on my camera too, but haven't uploaded them yet.

The teen also had a good time. All of her presents were a complete surprise, so that was very fun to watch. I got her a Bowl Game t-shirt with for one of her favorite teams (she loved it!) My grandma also got her a football t-shirt which she LOVED. My brother-in-law picked out a poster of the actor from Twilight for her which made her blush (super funny!) She really seemed to like the shutterfly book I made for her, and was surprised to get her own flat iron. I'm sure she didn't know what to expect and it was awesome to see her smile (especially since earlier in the day, she seemed a bit stressed talking to the service coordinator about visitation and going back home...I was relieved to find out that the State nixed the idea of the teen taking the little one on the bus to and from visits and it was nice to hear the coordinator talk to the teen about not taking on the parental role when she goes back home).

I got some great gifts too, including an awesome coffee mug from my nephew with his picture on it and a nice sweater and scarf from the teen and the little one. My grandma and my parents gave me what I asked for ;) (pedicure, movie gift card, football t-shirt, hair products, lotion, money...I know, spoiled ;) ) It was just nice to be with my family...and forget about the meltdown that was yesterday's story :)

Even though I have to work the next two days, I will be okay since I will be remembering this day :)

Speaking of work, I haven't been there in a while and am not accustomed to waking up that early, so I should head to bed. Merry Christmas and Good night!

Meltdowns

I'm pretty sure if I looked back at my years of blogging, there has been at least one "meltdown" post during the Christmas season. I'm not sure if it's because the Christmas tradition is just different when you work at a place that never closes or if it is just extra stressful around this time or the weather or what, but it seems like this is the season for "meltdowns". (Well, I think there have been times in my blogging history when I wrote a LOT about me and my "meltdowns", but they aren't quite as frequent these days, thank goodness!)

It could also be that this time of year turns into the time when we change the calendar to the new year and that is a change. Yes, a small change, but it is a time to reflect back on all the changes as well as forward to the changes that will occur.

I'm not very good at change and right now, I'm in a place where many things are changing of which I have NO control over and I do not like it one bit.

First of all, the scheduling committee changed our holidays and now all of the major holidays are three days long, meaning three 12-hour-shifts in a row. I RARELY schedule myself to work three days in a row because those shifts are long and I get crabby. Especially now that I have kids in the house, that is just tiring. (God bless the people who can live on no sleep and love working a full work-week in three days, but that is not me!) So, I am scheduled to work the 24th, 25th, 26th (and the 29th, 30th, and 31st). I am none too happy about this arrangement, but my complaints and rational explanations of why this is silly did not help anything. (My "big picture thinking" is that while I only work this Christmas holiday once every three years, it won't matter when Christmas is on a Wednesday because then I'll be stuck working the weekend before/weekend since the holiday is Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday!) Ok, there's my rant about that...I feel a little better ;)

I finally got the family team meeting with the girls' mom that I have been waiting for since she canceled it last Monday. Since the issues of that weekend were not fresh and the service coordinator was present via speakerphone, I didn't get to express all of my frustration. Of course, she said that she had texted me this weekend saying there would be no visit, but her new phone did not send the messages. She said that right off the bat, so I couldn't even tell her how ticked I am at how little she appears to care about her girls and their feelings. She informed me that she is a responsible parent and would never not communicate with me, blah, blah. But, I sat in silence as she described the plans for visitation while the teen is off school...

Her plan is that the teen will walk, with the little one, to the bus stop (maybe 5 or 6 blocks), take one bus downtown and change to one to take them to where she lives. Now, I don't live in a place where public transportation is utilized and can honestly say I have NEVER taken the bus in this city. Plus, does she know that it is WINTER and it gets bitterly cold and snowy here? I was feeling guilty sitting there knowing that they would be taking the bus on days that I am off work, but me driving them to visits feels like a step in the wrong direction. I don't know what the answer is, or if there is one, but I just know that I'm going to be on an emotional roller coaster with this. Since she was approved for adequate housing, I'm not sure when the transition home will start or if it will go quickly or slowly or how it will work. The unknown is what is hard...and then they tell me that basically they will send the kids home and see if she fails or not. Now, doesn't THAT sound like fun?!

I know I signed up for this. I know that I knew it would be challenging, but also rewarding. However, I don't think you can really prepare for these kinds of ups and downs and uncertainties and constant changes.

It's hard, but most of the time I feel like I have a good handle on things and am able to put things into perspective, but today I found myself standing in the kitchen and crying...wiping the tears away as quickly as I could since the little one was playing in the next room and it would be hard to explain tears that even I don't fully understand.

The tears did come when I texted my "date" and declined the offer to attend a party he was having tonight. I just couldn't do it emotionally. This whole dating thing is foreign to me and it is scary and stressful and a huge change that I'm not quite sure I am prepared to handle along with the other changes going on. However, I know I shouldn't run away when there is so much good that can come from facing your fears, stepping out on a limb, and just taking life as it comes.

Seriously, I went to college over 700 miles away from home, I lived on my own for a year 1500 miles away from my family, I am a single foster mom to a teen and a toddler...I have been brave, I have been strong, so why is it so hard right now?! The tears came again after choir practice (I had to go to practice to get my little bit of Christmas in since it is unlikely I will be able to attend any church services) and just now as I typed that last sentence.

I may go to bed with a tissue in my hand, but I know that tomorrow is a new day...and it is sure to be one I won't soon forget (an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old opening presents is going to be a riot!) I'm hoping to leave the meltdowns behind and only have tears of joy if the tears need to come at all ;)

Good night!

Clueless

Okay, that's a random title, but I used "Conflicted" a couple of posts ago and needed something similar, since my brain is still kind of mush.

I'm having a hard time processing all that is going on in "my world" right now and feeling quite out-of-balance. That isn't much fun considering Christmas is just a few days away, but then, I have to work on the 24th, 25th, and 26th (and the 29th, 30th, and 31st...boo!) Most of our snow melted today which I'm a-ok with, but that does take away a little bit of the Christmas feel (even though I listen to Christmas songs every chance I get and my house looks a LOT more like Christmas than it has in years past).

Not only was the girls' mom a no-call/no-show for their visit on Saturday, but yesterday (Sunday) as well. I still haven't heard anything from her, and neither have the girls. I will admit that I am starting to lose patience with her and am beginning to get cynical. I believe I was empathetic/understanding for a good six months, but this whole situation is starting to wear on me. I know it is likely due to the fact that this is my first placement and I am not yet "jaded" by the system and the people who are in it. However, I feel like I would be much more understanding if I could figure out WHY she does these things...like, if there was a known mental illness or addiction problem. Granted, I'm sure I'd still lose patience after a while in those situations, but I don't feel like ANY progress has been made in the 6 1/2 months that I have had the girls and yet all I hear is how they will be going home soon...how they NEED to go home.

I do understand that reunification is the goal of foster care. I also agree with the fact that there doesn't appear to be any "safety risk" of them returning back home. However, it is REALLY irritating not to see a single amount of effort being put forth by her to see or even talk to her kids. I KNOW she told me on Friday that her phone was broken, but she lives in an apartment complex and I'm sure that if she told one of her neighbors she needed to talk to her kids, they would let her use their phone for five minutes. I gave her my phone numbers again on Friday (and she called on Friday night, so unless she lost that paper between Friday night and Saturday morning, she just decided not to call).

I talked to my agency worker and the service coordinator this afternoon about the skipped visits this weekend. Basically, they told me nothing can be done and I just need to keep having "Plan B" set up for when she doesn't show up. That is, of course, easier said than done considering I work 12-hour-shifts, but my family has been VERY flexible throughout this experience and that is a huge blessing. After tomorrow, the teen is off school until January 6. So, I guess the reality is that she could stay here with the little one, but 12/13 hours is a LONG time...and I have tried really hard to not put that responsibility on her. I just wonder if the judge is going to be looking at all of these skipped visits at the next hearing, or if they will just send them back home as soon as there is adequate housing so the case can be closed. That is hard for me to think about considering how much has been invested in them during their time with me and how much effort is being put forth to make sure they are being well cared for, only to be handed back to someone who has made ZERO effort. Hopefully we actually have a meeting on Wednesday to set a plan for what she is at least PLANNING to do with the kids while they are on Christmas break.

Okay, there's my foster mom rant. It's pretty small considering some of the things foster parents have to deal with (I follow a foster mom on twitter who had to send her foster baby with someone who didn't know babies needed car seats and didn't pass a home study...yikes!)

In other news, I've still been texting with the guy from church/ice skating date...he may need a name. I can try for "S" since that's his first initial, but may not use it. To be honest, I have no clue what's going on with this either. I obviously know he likes me, otherwise there is no way he would have gone to dinner with me, my foster daughters, my sister, and my brother-in-law. I'm not sure why, but it always feels weird to me when I know people want to be with me. Not that I don't think I'm a "likable" person, but it makes me self-conscious or something. I already know that I have a "dating problem", so have chosen to avoid it as much as possible. I guess it is nice that the bulk of our communication/interaction has been via text messages, but some day, I will have to face him and do the real kind of dating...if that is where this is going to go...

{sigh} I think I'm analyzing things way too much and just need to let things go as they are supposed to go. I'm feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable and stressed (and clueless)...and know that I just need to relax (which is why I am taking the time to blog ;) ) I need to remember that I'm not really in control of any of this, but feeling out-of-control is so not a fun feeling!

And, on that note, the teen just went to bed (at 10:30...same as last night for all three of us!) and I'm heading to mine too. Hopefully getting this little bit of "confus-ed-ness" out will mean I will sleep REALLY well ;)

Good night.

"Date" #2

So...the girls' mom was a no call/no show for the visit this morning. I had planned to go to 5:00 Mass, possibly with my ice skating date/guy from church...we were going to discuss our plans today. Well, plans changed when I ended up with the girls...well, they were adjusted anyway. The current plan is for the girls and I go to go 5:00 Mass and he will be there too (whether or not he will sit with us, I do not know...part of me thinks it would be weird if he did sit with us tonight, but whatever happens, happens.) Then, we will all go to dinner at a local Chinese restaurant...one of our faves and he has never been there. Gotta like a guy who is open for "Plan B"...even when my mom and sis said they wanted to join us (they decided not this time ;) )

It's definitely going to be interesting to see how this all plays out...I'll post updates as I have them/have time ;) I suppose I ought to get ready for church. Enjoy the weekend!

Post date update: He did not sit with us at Mass, but we did walk out with him. My sister and brother-in-law joined us for dinner. I did not talk to him much, but did sit by him. He and my brother-in-law visited. The little one kept us laughing, and the teen actually participated in conversation too. My sister texted me that she thought he called me "Allison" (more than once). He opted to go home to be with his dog instead of out for ice cream with me and the girls, but overall I think it went well. Poor guy probably was nervous about this, especially since I thought my mom was going to come too! Will obviously write again if/when there is a date #3. :)

Conflicted

It's been a while since I felt the "need" to journal as much as I did today. I found myself struggling throughout the day to hold back the tears, just wishing that I could come home and let it all out. There were definitely points throughout the day where the tears ALMOST welled over onto my cheeks, but I'm glad they didn't.

Today was my first day back to work since the news aired the story with my first date. Of course, it was the topic of conversation throughout the day, and I even watched the footage a couple of times with people who had not seen it (apparently, it was also viewed numerous times during the shifts between Saturday night and today!) In many ways, it is fun that my co-workers can see that I CAN be a "fun girl", but in other ways, it stirred up even more conflict inside of me...

See, I have a problem. I'm not sure if it is a problem with "dating" or relationships or commitment or what, but I know that some of the times when I have cried the most were "cured" when I decided to quit dating. Well, I'm not sure if they were DIRECTLY related, but it sure did seem that way...super upset, crying all the time, then away with the boys and back to "myself" ;) This has been a big struggle for me, and one that I'm not even sure I have begun to understand. It's something I have avoided because I don't know how to deal with it, or even what the problem is to begin with. Granted, going to counseling late last year/early this year helped a ton in getting me to a place where I was happy with who I was, where I was and then becoming a foster mom has made be feel fulfilled in so many ways (and brought along conflicting emotions of it's own that is a whole post for another day!)

I was happy. Things were going great. And then, this guy shows up at church and I'm like "whoa, didn't see that coming"...but, you never really do see those kinds of things coming, do you?! And so, I was determined to take things slow, not to let my "big picture" personality get in the way of enjoying the moment, each moment, as I made my way into hoping just maybe this time one date would actually turn into two.

I was prepared to keep things quiet--tell a few select people (and those who read this blog...ha!) that I was talking to this guy I met from church who just "happened" to be the brother of a former co-worker...and we were even going to go have a "date". I have spent the past 6 1/2 months trying to make the most of each and every day with these girls, not taking a moment we are given together for granted and was hopeful that just maybe I was ready to do something similar in another relationship--just take each day as it comes, not jump too far into the future. I can not write history without living in the present. Trying to guess what the future holds can actually take some of the fun out of simply wondering what tomorrow will bring. (Okay, I'm starting to lose it in my exhausted state...I ought to get to the point and press publish post ;) )

My "best laid plans" went out the window when our first date was broadcast on the news and online for "all" to see. Not only did I have to tell my dad (who apparently "announced" on Sunday at the drug store that his daughter was on TV having the first date she has had in a LOOONNNGG time), but also my grandma, who will now continue to pester me about how things are going. I have tried to keep some of my personal life out of work, but that is no longer an option because now "everyone" knows I went on a date. For those of you who got to see the clip, it was followed by a clip of a couple who were engaged while we were there following their first date on the rink a year ago. Yes, it was a cute story. Yes, it will be neat to have that as "our story" IF this ends up being something long-term/forever, but I was planning to not let my mind go to "forever"...which I knew was going to be a tough task for my "big picture" thinking.

And so, I have allowed a few of my tears to fall (but my journaling was disrupted by my watching of the Biggest Loser finale) and it does always feel better to put my feelings down "on paper". In a way, I wish we could rewind and tell the reporter we weren't interested, but then I wouldn't have a story to tell. In a way, I would like to fast-forward to a time when people forget about that news clip and we can carry on, slowly but surely, to whatever is supposed to happen in this "relationship" (reminder: only been on one date!). However, I know that people will continue to ask questions, and I will have to learn how to respond to them...

I'm not one who usually quotes Bible verses, but I think this is a time when I need to remember this one: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

I know that God has plans for me...BIG plans for me ;)...and I STILL need to take it one day at a time, even when there is a news story out there that ends with "It could be the start of a storybook romance or at the very least a great first date story."

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...and now it's time for me to go to sleep :) Good night.

"D" Day

Edited to add: The news story I write about in this post is currently posted online. If you are reading this and would like me to email you the link, let me know ;)

Yep, today was "Date Day"...but, before I write about that, I want to rewind to yesterday, because there are some good stories there too ;)

I had to work yesterday. I typically leave my house at 6:40 to get to work by 7, since I live very close to work. I make sure the teen gets up by about 6:30 and my mom comes to get the girls at 7:10. Yesterday, I was running rather slowly (even though I decided I didn't feel like showering...don't judge ;) ). So, I was still in my pajamas at 6:30 when the teen comes to tell me that the little one is vomiting. Sure enough, she was sitting up in bed with puke in her hair, on her bed, and crying. Lovely. I snatched her up (kind of thankful at this point that I AM still in my pj's instead of being dressed for work!), threw her in the bathtub and quickly washed her hair. I couldn't get in touch with my mom to tell her, but left a message that she threw up, but didn't appear to be sick. I called work to say I'd be a little late, got the little one set up with TV on the couch (and a large bowl should she feel the need to vomit again) and made it to work shortly after 7.

It was a crazy day at work to the point that I found myself in tears and my manager was my personal assistant for an hour...nutso! My dad agreed to go get the little one from my sister's and get both girls to my house in time for a 5:00 pick-up (their "usual" Friday visit, although there doesn't seem to be much consistency with her visits these days). I was in my manager's office telling her thank you once again at around 5:15 when I received a phone call from the teen telling me her mom wasn't coming. She said they were okay at my house and she would make a pizza. Both she and my sister told me the little one acted fine all day long. I then checked my cell phone and, sure enough, mom texted me at 5:00 to tell me that she was coming to get the girls, but she "tripd" and wasn't feeling well, so no visit. Seriously, I cleaned up your kid's vomit this morning and THEN went to work a 12-hour shift and you can't have a visit because you fell?! {deep breath}

The little one appeared tired when I got home, so I put her to bed fairly early. She didn't fall right asleep, but when I checked on her around 9:30 she was sleeping. I was heading to bed around 11:30 when I heard her making noise in her room. I went in to tell her to go to sleep, then realized that she was moaning in her sleep. She looked up, told me she was scared, she cried and said she "wanted me". She burped when I picked her up and we made it to the bathroom before she vomited all over the floor, me, herself. We changed our clothes, I brought her mattress to the living room, and slept on the couch next to her. Of course she slept all night long while I tossed and turned on the couch and woke up stiff all over.

Fast forward to this morning. I never heard anything from the mom besides no visit yesterday, so I wasn't 100% sure she would show up at her "usual" 10:00 pick-up. I did, however, know that I had a DATE somewhere around 12:30 and was going to go either way, but it would be easier if she had the girls. Well, in her usual style, she kept me guessing up until 10:13 when she picked them up, with plans to drop them off between 7:30 and 8.

I promptly texted my "date" to tell him it was a go...even though we were going ice skating outside and the wind chill was -9...and got ready. I wore leggings under my jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, my coat, a hat, gloves, boots, and a scarf...super sexy ;)

He got a little lost on the way to pick me up, but was here around 12:45...and it was REALLY cold! We got to the ice skating rink (it's a temporary set-up for the holidays) and there was a sign to use the bathroom before you get out there because you can't leave once you have your skates on. I decided I had better go, so went in search of the restroom, but the sign didn't help me. I found out that they were port-a-pottys...and then discovered that the reason I couldn't find them was that they were all on the ground! So, I ran to a nearby business and used their bathroom first (I know, me and my bladder, but, I didn't want any, um... [Ginger ;)])

After we got our skates on and went out to the rink, we realized we were the only ones. Then, there was "another" couple who came out and then they were kissing on the rink...and then we skated past someone taking pictures on accident...and realized that they were in the process of getting engaged. There was a radio station there that interviewed them shortly after that...and I'm not sure if my date heard this, but the DJ definitely started the story by saying something like "there were only a few 'couples' here"...awkward, a little bit.

We took a hot chocolate break and then went back out on the rink. There still were very few people there (like, 5 ;) ) and then there was just us again when I noticed a news camera videotaping. Seriously, we are on camera?! Then, the reporter stopped us to see if he could ask us some questions. I "quickly" told him that this was our first time hanging out "you mean, like a first date?!" Um, yep. Then, he proceeded to "interview" us about how we ended up ice skating on such a freezing cold day, etc. It wasn't on the 5:00 news, but maybe it will be on the late one. (Since my date and I were going to be on the news, I HAD to tell my dad that I had gone on a date so he didn't hear it from anyone else...and now "everyone" in town will know about me and my first date if it airs on the news tonight...lovely!)

They decided to close the rink early due to the high winds and frigid temperatures, so we left and went to a late lunch. The conversation was nice, and I got to have my favorite Woodchuck Cider on tap, so all was well ;) He brought me home a little before 4:00 so he could get to his basketball games and I could get a few things done before the girls came back.

Since the weather was getting kind of bad, I called my agency worker on her cell phone to see what I should do if the girls' mom said she couldn't get them back to me. One of the last times she couldn't, the service coordinator said I should have called CPS, but with the weather this way, I didn't know if that was the way to go. However, I also didn't think it needed to be my problem to figure out transportation. She said I needed to put in on mom and tell her it was her decision to make on how to get the girls back here, or have them stay the night even though overnights have not officially been approved.

Mom texted me at 4:50 to tell me that her ride for the girls would not be able to provide transportation due to visibility and that she was "trying to plan ahead of time". I texted her to let me know what she decides because I was home for the night if they needed to come back earlier. She said thanks...and then waited until nearly 6:30 to say that her ride was upset she couldn't drive the girls but that she was "stuck with no option but for me to come get them". Um, pretty sure that I am NOT "Plan B", but it was REALLY hard for me to text back that I didn't feel comfortable coming to get them and that she needed to figure out another option besides me. She texted back that the girls would just stay...and then called to tell me that she was too anxious to have her aunt drive the girls back to my house (whatever...my thought is that I "maybe" would have come to get them at 5, but not at 6:30 when it was dark AND with poor visibility...planning ahead my @$$ ;))

I realized that the teen didn't bring her homework with her and didn't want that to be MY fault, so I texted mom that if the teen needs her homework tomorrow, than someone could stop by to get it.

So, yesterday I cleaned up vomit twice and slept on the couch. Today, I had cramps and went ice skating. Even though it wasn't what was "supposed" to happen, I think I will enjoy having the house to myself for the night and just "chilling" (literally...I think it is time to make some hot cocoa or hot cider or both!) I think I'll even wrap some presents so the area under our tree is no longer bare :)

I am not going to get TOO excited about this date since I am known for being a "one date wonder", but I'm kind of feeling that this will at least get a second date (we need to try a warmer venue for one anyway!) We had fun...if you want "details, details", feel free to comment and I'll try to accommodate ;)

All For Naught

Sorry about the delay in an update, but I was so stressed out prior to court that I just napped when the little one did and we were busy the rest of the day.

I showed up Downtown a little before 9 for court at 9:30 since I had no clue where I was going. I plugged my meter for 2 hours. Little did I know HOW late the judge runs and I'm pretty sure someone plugged my meter because I definitely wasn't back to my car until 11 and there was 45 minutes left on it.

I was warned about this judge...that she is very unpredictable, has sent lawyers out in handcuffs, and kicked social workers off the case. I was also told to watch for bright red lipstick because then she's REALLY in "a mood". I guess I wanted to be a fly on a wall just for that...but wasn't really excited about being there.

I freaked out my whole walk from my car to the courthouse that I would run into the girls' mom at one of the bus stops or something, but thankfully that didn't happen. I ended up getting off one elevator at the same time my agency worker was getting off another one. Phew!

She and I talked for a while and then we listened as the state worker and service coordinator talked to mom's lawyer without her...she seemed to be "ok"(kind of) with being excluded from this conversation and they also decided not to include her report (weird, I thought, but whatever). Mom was there with her aunt, but I don't think I fully made eye contact with her...even though I wasn't there to be "against" her, because everyone is there for the kids, I wasn't sure what she would think and didn't want to have any contact with her on that occasion.

I actually got to talk to the GAL briefly before court (shocking...I have seen him once and talked to him on the phone one other time during this six months) and gave him my two cents on how great the girls are doing and that my biggest concern about them going back is the teen getting to and from school. Apparently, their brothers were moved to another foster home without any socks, coats, shoes, gloves, hats, or warm clothes. Seriously?! I can't imagine sending foster kids from my home to another without adequate clothing...that is really sad!

It seemed like a pretty tame courtroom from what I was imagining. I sat way in the back corner with my agency worker, so I'm not sure the judge could even see me from where I was sitting. I was so nervous she would want to ask me something (and she DID look out to see if the boys' foster parent was there...yikes!)

But, my anxiety was all for naught and she didn't even look my direction. She also didn't agree to start the transition back to home until mom has a bigger place. She is going to consider overnight visits with a couple of kids at a time, but that will not start until the report comes out. Mom's lawyer asked for another hearing in 6-8 weeks, but I suppose if she gets adequate housing between now and then, they could probably start the transition since that's the "only" thing that is keeping them in foster care. It's really sad that housing is the big issue...and has seriously been the only thing she needed to fix between the last time she went to court and now. (I'm pretty sure this is WAY more than I am supposed to be sharing about the case, but I trust the people who read this understand the confidentiality statement I put on this blog :) )

So, long story short (or long story long--ha!), the girls will be with me for "a while" longer.

Now I'm just hoping mom comes to get them on Saturday so I can do on my "date" ;)

Big Day

Tomorrow, the girls' mom goes to court. I was curious enough to want to be a "fly on the wall", but Thursday it was recommended that I be in attendance in case the judge wants to talk to me...um, definitely freaked out about that!

Today, I talked to my agency worker to let her know that the service coordinator had asked me to attend court. She was surprised, wondering what the service coordinator would expect me to say. However, I guess I will go and speak the truth (and nothing but the truth, so help me G-- ;) ) IF I am asked.

The agency worker let me know that her recommendation is going to be for the kids to transition back VERY slowly, starting with the little one and working the way up to the teen being the last one to go home. I'm not sure if this is the service coordinator's recommendation too, but I "always" assumed that the boys would go home first and then the girls. It never dawned on me that the girls may not leave at the same time. It does, however, make sense to "test" the mom to see if she actually CAN care for her children without the teen. I'm not sure she has what it takes to deal with an active 3-year-old...even though I know she DOES love her, I don't think she realizes how much work even an EASY 3-year-old is!

Needless to say, I've been tearing up thinking about the (albeit remote) possibility that I have to send the little one there tomorrow...or even later this week...to stay. It's not going to be easy, and the teen is going to have it difficulty, no matter what happens. She is the one I worry about most when I think about them going back home, but I also think she will be worried about her younger siblings being cared for without her there.

It's going to be tough. I knew "tomorrow" would come...and maybe this isn't even the "tomorrow" it could be (seriously, the judge could tell the mom she needs to get her sh** together or her kids WON'T be coming home...no clue, and apparently it all depends on the judge's mood that day ;) )

In other news, "guy from church" sent me a text saying he hopes tomorrow goes how I want it, said he had Saturday afternoon open, and wanted to know if I had ever been ice skating. I "may" have Saturday afternoon open, depending on how tomorrow (and the rest of the week) go. I haven't been ice skating in a long time, but props to him for coming up with something other than dinner and a movie :)

I'm trying not to "freak out" about this aspect of my life that has caused so many "issues" in the past and just take it one step at a time...while also dealing with the possibility that the REST of my life as I know it could be turned upside down at the same time. When can I see my counselor again?! ;)

Prayers appreciated...big day/big week. Thanks!

Six Months

It's hard to believe that tomorrow marks six months since the girls came to stay at my house. It's also hard to believe that ever since they came to my house, all I have heard is "we are trying to get you home"...and yet, here they still are. To be honest, I actually don't think their mom appears to have done what she needed to do to get them back, but they could still be going back soon. I talked to the service coordinator on Thursday, and she said she thought it was important for me to go to court on Tuesday. I think I've watched too many court shows, because that makes me very nervous! Of course, I was CURIOUS as to what will happen in court and thought being a "fly on the wall" would be cool, but being in attendance with a possibility of having the judge talk to me is quite daunting!

Once again, the girls' mom "flaked out" on getting them for a visit yesterday...while I was at work. She loves pulling that when my family has to deal with the "fall out". However, this time we had discussed what needs to happen so we don't continue to enable her (like last Sunday when she "conned" us both into bringing the girls to her AND picking them up). I told her that if she couldn't come get them, then there would be no visit. Period. End of story.

I wasn't sure if she would really come to get the girls today and I volunteered to help with an event at the hospital, so I was a little worried. I did actually text her at 9:30 to make sure she was coming because I was supposed to be there between 9:30 and 10. She said she was on her way and I was very excited! The event at the hospital went really well (it was a location for the international "Help-Portrait" event :) ). I "only" stayed until 2 before going shopping with my aunt and cousin. My extended family decide to adopt the girls, their brothers, and their mom for Christmas. My aunt collected money and also gifts. They are going to have an AWESOME Christmas (seriously, my family went above and beyond and it really warms my heart). My one aunt got TONS of towels and house things for the mom and each of the kids is getting quite a few things, including hats, gloves, pajamas, toys and a flat iron, curling iron, and warm coat for the teen. Just amazing, and so sweet. I'm not sure if the girls will still be residents of my house come Christmas, but they will definitely be thinking about our family :)

Here's a few pictures of what we've been up to this last month--painting pottery, raking leaves, donating hair, going to homecoming, and putting up the Christmas tree.

All day long, I was thinking maybe I'll be okay when they go back home...and then when they got home, I was wondering what I'll do without them.

In other news, guy from church and I have had two "texting" conversations this week and then tonight talked for nearly 40 minutes...just sayin' ;)

You: Create: Birthday Canvas

Never in "a million years" did I think I would participate in Sara's "You: create" series. Seriously, the creative part of my brain doesn't really work that well. Nope, definitely leave that kind of stuff to Sara and Ginger. :)

However, last week, the teen turned sixteen. Sweet sixteen and I had no clue how/if she would be celebrating with her family. I wanted to do something special for her, something more than a shirt or a pair of shoes. I was definitely inspired by Sara and her canvases (I actually won one of her "Hump Day Givaways" and that canvas hangs where I put this one for the picture--it says "God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him." ~Jim Elliot) and decided I would make attempt at a birthday canvas.

I posted the idea out there on "twitter" because I wasn't sure what quote I wanted to use. Sara (of course) recommended song lyrics. That is perfect because the teen is ALWAYS singing. However, she has WAY too many favorite songs! At the time she was listening to Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" a million times a day, but I thought those lyrics were a little "cheesy" coming from me ;)

Ginger introduced me to the Lady Antebellum song "I Was Here" when she visited me last November and I introduced it to the teen. The first time I heard it, I bawled...and it still hit me for a while (now I can hear it without crying, but it's still awesome!) I had Ginger help me figure out what part of the song to use...and I think it works perfectly.

Without further adieu:

I used paint from every room in my house: The background is called "Khaki Shorts" and is the color of my basement and the upstairs hallway. The green squares/rectangles is called "Kiwi Kissed" and is the color of my living room. I can't remember the name of the yellow, but is the color of my bathroom. There are lavender "dots" using paint from the office that was so dried up that all I could get were dots. I believe the red is called  "Bordeaux" and is the color of my kitchen. The blue paint for the words (the dark is I think "Cameron's Eyes", but I can't remember the light blue and I'm too lazy to go to the garage to check the paint cans!) is from the girls' bedroom. The light blue is the wall color and the dark blue is the trim.

I'm not going to lie, I was SO stressed out about it and honestly can't believe I actually decided to do something like this! However, I'm really happy about how it turned out. :)

I can't post any pictures of her with it since she's my foster daughter, but my sister was sitting across from her when she opened it at dinner and said she appeared to really like it.

Plus, she asked for my camera so she could post a picture of it on facebook...and I'm pretty much thinking that for a 16-year-old, that is confirmation of approval/like ;)

Well, this could be my one-and-only time to participate in Sara's You: Create, but hop on over to her page to check out what the creative folks are doing. 

Three Years Ago

Three years ago, I was six months into this blogging thing. At that point, I was mostly following blogs of women who blogged while they carried their babies who were not expected to live. I was entering the one year anniversary of a time when something like fifteen of our patients passed away in a three month period of time. Another "favorite" patient was struggling to survive, but I did find hope in those blogs, even though I read as each of them buried their babies....their babies, those children meant something to me, and even three years later, they remain part of me.

Three years ago to the minute of the time I will set this to post, an amazing baby named Poppy Joy entered this world...and left it three hours later. This post will be my third "tribute" to her and her life. I just re-watched the video I posted on her first birthday. It is sad, but it also is a reminder that every life has value, and each moment of her short life was important. To me, just as I wrote in this post, that video wasn't about Poppy Joy dying, it was about her LIVING. Even three years later, she is touching lives...and my life obviously has been forever changed by hers. I can't hear the song played in the video without thinking about Poppy Joy--that is "her" song.

I haven't spoken to her mom in quite some time, but did have a dream the other night with her in it..."random", but not really ;) From her facebook page, it appears that Poppy Joy will have a little brother in the very near future :)

In the post I wrote last year on her second birthday, I mentioned how many blessings, and amazing friendships I have found by having this blog, and reading the blogs of others. I definitely didn't know when I wrote that post how many MORE friends I would have now :) (By the way, I "planted" paperwhites again this year, but they didn't grow nearly as many flowers-sad!)

So, here's to Poppy Joy. Happy third birthday, sweet baby girl.