While I spoke with the service coordinator for over 20 minutes yesterday as she told me I was being too nice, too accommodating, and needed to stop providing transportation for visits, today ended with me transporting the little one to visits 2-3 days a week. Since mom came with her sob story of how she can't enjoy visits because she is stressed about finding transportation, the service coordinator is going to the "higher ups" in her agency to get someone to transport the girls to and from visits on the weekends and the little one back here on the days I take her there. (I'm not sure how I managed to keep my mouth shut that she could use Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to help her figure out transportation for the weekend, but I did.) So, here we are back where their mom sits at home while everyone else is working hard to make sure she sees her kids. (Ok, that isn't nice...she does not appear to be working hard to get her girls, but it sounds like she does somehow get transportation to pick up the boys.)
As I heard yesterday, it isn't illegal to be lazy. It is, however, hard to watch.
At one point, I did speak up and was able to make a point. The State will pay for day care directly if you send your child to an approved day care. Last summer, when I got the girls, the two were definitely attached and 15-year-olds obviously can't go to day care. So, rather than split the two, my sister took both of them on the days that I work and I paid her from my "stipend". My sister is staying at home with her son and needed money and I still was able to pretty much keep my routine rather than getting kids to day care prior to being at work by 7 and figuring out what day care would keep them until after 8 PM on some days. So, it was a win-win for me, my sister, and the girls...
Their mom totally told me that I should use the money I pay my sister to watch the little one to pay for someone to transport her to and from visits rather than send her to my sister's while I'm at work.
Oh yes she did.
And I was pissed. So, I shared with her the above facts that the REASON my sister watches them and the State doesn't directly pay for it (since she proclaimed that the State most definitely would pay for day care if she was in HER custody) was because of a choice I made to benefit HER kids. The service coordinator quickly took over and twisted the words to make it seem like she didn't actually say that, and the mom semi back-tracked, but I know she said it and she meant it. The coordinator set mom straight that it is not my responsibility to pay for that (and really, it isn't the agency's responsibility to provide transportation either since at this stage of the game, she ought to be self-sufficient/responsible).
Mom addressed the questions regarding the teen continuing to attend school where she is now by saying she is going to get a grant and the teen will take the bus to and from school (mind you, I live in a city with pretty crappy public transportation that also gets "a bit" of snow). No one asked the teen if she was okay with that being her mode of transportation, but I guess she doesn't have a choice.
And that was that. Not what I expected, but at least now they are going to get visits. I wanted the little one to have time with her mom without the other kids there and she is going to get it. I probably should have said something about the fact that if she was so stressed about not being able to see them, she could pick up the phone and call them, but didn't even think about it in the moment.
Then, for whatever reason, the little one was a mess when we got home. She had meltdown upon meltdown and was put to bed early without a bath. Her nap was cut a little bit short, but I didn't think it was enough to create that much drama. These visits with her mom are going to end right in the middle of her nap which she won't get, so those days are going to be super fun. I tried to deal with the initial meltdown by putting her in her room/bed until she was done crying, but the teen swooped in and got her up and held her/etc. going into super protective mom mode. I don't recall her doing that since one of the first weeks they were with me, so I have no clue what was up with that. Maybe she got something out of that meeting that I didn't...maybe they both did. It was just odd and she was unusually quiet before and during dinner (she gets really quiet when she is stressed and she took Excedrin for her headache which she doesn't do very often). I almost thought she wasn't going to come eat dinner with us and she has never skipped dinner. Now that it's later in the evening, I have learned that she is working on a theology paper on the Dead Sea Scrolls that is really stressing her out. So, maybe that was it, but I also think something at the meeting set her off. I tried to keep my mouth shut for the most part, especially not saying anything negatively to or about her mom.
All in all, it wasn't what I expected, but I do think I will feel (at least a little bit) more comfortable with the little one going home after she has spent time bonding with her mom. From what I have heard, she was not the primary caregiver, even though she would never admit that. I also said that I needed a "transition" and not having the little one here with me on my days off will be a definite change (even though she will only be gone from 9-2:30 for now). Once she moves into her new apartment, they can have overnight visits. I'm not sure what that transition will look like, but it's coming. It sounds like after that, they may request a hearing sooner than the current May 31st date to move them back permanently. Of course, I imagine she needs to hold up her end of the deal and keep to the scheduled visits (which ought to be easier since she doesn't have to do anything except be home, but you never know!)
More to come in this saga...never a dull moment ;)
Good night.
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