Resistant

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster...well, maybe not so much a roller coaster, since it felt like I spent more time than up, but a roller coaster works ;) I guess the great part of this week is knowing how incredibly blessed I am to have so many people who care about me and are committed to praying for me and supporting me as I work through my current and upcoming changes (that have left me emotional and occasionally irrational ;) ).

Last Sunday, I got to talk to Ginger on Skype which was exactly what I needed...and as the week progressed, she reminded me that boys are not aliens and gave me reasons to smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I love you Ging :)

Monday I met with my counselor and Friday I met with my Spiritual Director. Both of these women have been with me for over a year as I worked through the changes that were occurring in my life during THAT time. They were there when I came to the realization that I did not need to explain to anyone that I really WAS happy with my life as a single 30-year-old. In fact, I think this could be one of the "issues" I have with dating. I struggled for a long time with the pressure from society (and well-meaning family/friends) that there was no way happy and single was possible at my age. Then, I reached the point where I was "filling my own bucket" and truly was content with where my life was, and the path I was on. So, even though a girl can change her mind, this girl obviously does not deal well with change and I am feeling resistant to going down a path I was (am?) convinced I do not need (or want?)

I have always dreamed about being someone's mom, but have rarely considered being someone's wife. I'm not sure why this is, but I do have excellent role models of the single AND married variety. I suppose I do know that dating does not (always) equal marriage, so there isn't a really good reason not to go out and have fun when I have the chance (and maybe get a free meal or something in the mean time ;) ). However, I guess I have put my heart out there in so many other areas of my life and this is the one area where I have succeeded in protecting it, I am not exactly excited about stepping out of my comfort zone. As silly as it sounds, the resistance is real.

As if one "change" isn't enough, I am continuing to attempt to prepare my heart for the girls to leave my home. Unfortunately, there are many mixed messages, and no clear direction on when this will happen or what it will look like. My "number crunching" which led to the realization that although their mom could have "unlimited" visits and unlimited phone calls, the girls saw her EIGHT times in December, and the only time she talked to them on the phone was maybe THREE out of the FIVE times she canceled visits. The teen was off school for FIFTEEN days for the break and saw her mom FOUR times (including Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). Needless to say, this ticked me off to no end and I'm having a hard time working through my disgust at her inability to see that a "perfect" mom would not go for days without talking to their children who are living in a stranger's home. The little one has spent nearly 1/3 of her life living without her mom and there is a possibility that she is going to go home without some sort of transition. To my knowledge, there is not an established plan of how the teen will get to and from school since her private school does not have a school bus. She has done absolutely amazing during the time she has been in foster care in attempting to catch up educationally after the gaps there obviously were in her schooling, but it has required a lot of extra time before and after school with her teachers (and independent, relatively quiet, studying at home)...

I could go on and on, but the reality is that they will be going home...and they will be going home soon. I always knew this was going to happen, but I had no idea what it would feel like. Yes, I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea HOW hard. For a long time, I felt sorry for their mom, gave her the benefit of the doubt, and trusted she was doing her best. Now, I have reached the point where I really don't like her. I don't like the way she treats her girls and I don't like the way she uses and abuses the system. I also don't really like that I don't like her, because my natural instinct is to like everyone, or at least look for the best in them. The truth is, no matter how much it hurts my heart to think about them leaving, my resistance isn't going to make them stay. In fact, the only one hurt by the resistance is me. Their mom doesn't care that I don't think she has proven she should get her kids back, and since there is no safety risk, the State doesn't see a reason to keep them in foster care. So, the "war" that is going on inside is a battle I am trying to stop fighting so I can truly enjoy what is left of what has been a life-changing experience.

Well, I had hopes of this being a "soul-searching" post, and I suppose in some ways I do feel a bit better, so I guess it has served it's purpose in that sense ;) Hopefully I can make time to "journal" a little more frequently during this time in order to unload the emotions/stress little by little. Wednesday is the "big" family team meeting, so hopefully I will know more about the transition plan, or if there will be a transition. I am hoping that if I have a "date" when they are going home, I will have an easier time understanding that it really IS going to happen and can "prepare" accordingly (whatever that looks like!)

I'd better go do some laundry/dishes/cleaning while the girls are gone or the teen will wonder what I did with all of my time...ha! I'm going to miss that girl so much!