Tragedy at Home

Today was rough. I knew it would be, since a year ago today, one of my most favorite patients passed away.

I also only had one "day off" after working my three in a row, so knew I would be tired. I stayed up extra late after going to a Christmas concert with my mom, so it was even harder to get out of bed (the concert was VERY fun, by the way, and spending the evening with my mom was nice). The second PICU death in 5 days happened this morning. I am praying that it stops there.

This is an "anonymous" blog, so without going into too many details, the afternoon brought news of a horrific tragedy affecting the entire community. On the unit, our eyes were glued to the television and online news, awaiting word of new information. Phone calls were made to check on loved ones, and to let those we love know we were okay. The story will only get more emotional and "closer to home" as further details emerge in the coming days. This is a "small world", and that worries me.

Luckily for me, these past few weeks/months have brought me to a place where I DO try and take each moment and cherish it. Life's too short to live with regrets.

My friend's son was readmitted to the hospital today. I'm hoping to be able to spend some time with her, but praying this is a short stay so she can be home with her family for Christmas.

It's been a long day, and I only have tomorrow "off" before I go back on Friday. I say "off" because I have a 2 hour meeting and a pot luck at work to follow. Looking forward to the weekend :o)

Three and done

For a day anyway, because I go back to the hospital on Wednesday. I never used to work three days in a row, but started scheduling myself like that for some reason. I have been lucky to have three good shifts this time (and actually I think my last three went very well too!). Today was busy for a little while since all three of my patients had respiratory components to their illness. I spent most of the day titrating oxygen, getting "paged" every time my "weaning" didn't work because the oximeter was alarming. I will say, though, that all three of my patients were on less oxygen when I ended my shift than when I started--that's progress, I think (even though it probably won't last through the night, at least I tried!). I just am hoping (and praying) that the respiratory viruses just jump right over and around me because I DO NOT want to get sick! I guess no one does, really, but I enjoy the times I get to spend with my patients and their families outside the hospital SO MUCH! That CANNOT happen if I am even a teeny tiny bit sick. I would miss those opportunities very much. I probably would cry a LOT if I got sick! If eating lots of high-calorie greasy foods will keep those germs away, then I'm "all set" because that has been my diet for quite a while now. And if not exercising helps, then I'm REALLY going to be in the clear!

Anyway, I wasn't busy for a while today, so did make a call to the agency where I sent my foster parent application. I spoke to my contact person there and my background check came back clear (as I knew it would be, but it is official!). So, now I am on the "respite care" list! She gave me the phone number to call to find out about classes. I could start as early as January. Since I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to "take the plunge" to become a parent, she said I can at least get my license "in case" and then just do the required education to keep my license current. I'm pretty excited about this, because I really have wanted to be a foster mom since elementary school, or at least have thought about it since then. I have learned quite a bit about the process through my work at the hospital with foster parents, and through my job with the State. I may even get to do respite care as early as over Christmas this year!

Well, it's getting late and I need to do my "daily prayer" reading and want to go to Mass in the morning and to the speaker following it. The talk is on prayer, so should be interesting.

Living "right"?!

Today was the first day of Advent . This is a pretty big deal in the Church. Unfortunately, I was at work, but did purchase a book that has daily readings and prayers that I plan on starting today. Part of my plan to be a "prayerful" person in a more structured way rather than just trying to live as a prayerful person. Not sure if that is the "right way" to do it, but I am going to try. I feel like I have been spending more time in prayer recently because I have been inspired by some wonderful people God has brought into my life. It seems to be working! Some pretty nice things have been happening in my life--so, either I'm getting some cool "perks" because of the extra praying, or I simply appreciate the little things more.

As I wrote yesterday, I only had one patient all day long and got a bit of grief for that. So, this morning one of the nurses "pawned off" a patient of hers from yesterday that was Spanish-speaking only and possibly needed teaching about how to place a feeding tube prior to discharge today. Gee, thanks! Okay, so I guess I "deserved" that because of yesterday. As it turned out, I didn't have to do the teaching, the mom was very nice, and the discharge couldn't have gone much more smoothly. Today, one of the other nurses ended up with one patient. She was able to go home (I didn't ask if I could leave yesterday because I just would have sat at home and done nothing...I probably wouldn't have been able to anyway). The question was who would take her patient and who would take the kid that was supposed to come from the ER. I decided that I would take the admission, still attempting to save my reputation as the "slacker nurse"! As it turned out, the admission cancelled, so once again I chose the easier assignment. NOT MY FAULT!! It was pretty funny though, because things like that keep happening to me! Now, I could get my turn tomorrow, but the way things are going, my "new self" should be able to make it through anything (I am, however, kind of tired and feeling a bit crabby going into my third shift in a row...I'd better get some sleep!).

Still not sure what I'm going to do about my "issues" from last week, but I have a few days before I even have to think about actually addressing them (probably not good for me because I LOVE to run away from tough situations!).

Overre"acting"?

So, today was a new day. I had to leave early for work because we had icy streets. Lucky for me, I live less than 2 miles from work, so it worked out okay. I ended up with one patient for most of the day. Of course, she did all she could to keep me busy enough which was a tad bit annoying, but I actually should not complain. Everyone was giving me a hard time because it SEEMS like whenever I would be "first up" for an admission, we don't get any, but when the admissions are coming, it isn't my "turn". It is all in their imagination, I tell them! I do not TRY to be a "slacker nurse", it just HAPPENS sometimes! If "you" recall, the last shift I worked, I was responsible for five different patients, so I definitely CAN handle work!

It actually worked out very well that today wasn't busy for me, because one of my friends who works in another department was there all day. Some scenes from a film were being shot in "my" hospital and she was responsible for being there during the shoot. I was able to stop by a few times throughout my shift to visit, and then spent a little over 2 hours after my shift watching and "helping". In those two hours, they shot a "scene" that was roughly 15 seconds long--craziness! I did get to visit with some members of the crew, talked to the writer/director for a while, and rode in an elevator with Ellen Burstyn . I didn't get to be an extra this time, but probably could have been if I wasn't working!

So, that is kind of the "acting" portion of this post. The rest of it concerns what I wrote about last night. I was not planning on discussing my "issues" at work, because there are some choices that I have made that not all people would agree are right ones and I do not want to be judged for them. However, it kind of "slipped out" in a discussion about this person that I thought I had hurt her feelings and cried a lot about it. That brought the "whoa" if you are crying over it, then you need to get yourself out of the situation. Of course, that was said by someone who doesn't know that I cry easily and for many different reasons. However, it made me wonder if I really DID do something wrong, or if I am worrying about nothing. I suppose only time will tell on that, but for now I still feel pretty bad, but am going to try and hold back my tears.

I have a bit of thinking and praying to do, it's late, and I'm back to work "bright and early". So, good night.

Struggling

I should have known this day would come again. It's been a while since I had a "breakdown" (I could easily go back and read when my last one was, but I'd rather just type this while everything is "fresh" and flowing). Sure, I've been close to tears a time or two, but last night, and then today they came pretty freely. Hurting someone else's feelings is something that makes me feel terrible (just one of many reasons I could never be in management!). I am afraid that I have done just that and it is making me feel sick to my stomach. I attempted to write an apology note, but it just didn't turn out right. I don't think I'll send it, at least not this version. Maybe I'll feel better about it in a day or two and can try again, or will figure out another way to "right" my "wrong". I have been having an inner struggle between my heart and my brain. My heart keeps "trumping" my brain, but I'm wondering if my brain was right all along and someone else's feelings were caught in the crossfire while attempting to create a balance. This seems to make absolutely no sense when discussed in such general terms, but I feel SO badly that this is the only way I can figure to describe what happened. Simply put, my good intentions failed miserably. I am just trembling as I type this, but at least the tears have stopped for now. This is a person with whom I have kind have had to try very hard to get to a "comfortable place" with and I am just so nervous that if I have to start over, it will not succeed. I just can't bear the thought of that! This person has given me SO much, priceless gifts and blessings that I would seriously be "missing out" (of course, I know that people do come and go in our lives, but this is one I would like to STAY, and probably NEED to stay!). I guess the "lucky" thing for me right now is that she is not a person that will make my life miserable and seems to forgive easily. I'll have to try and sleep on those thoughts because it's back to work tomorrow, so I NEED to sleep.

First Date?

I pose that as a question, because "first" means I am assuming there will be a second. Being a single woman in my late 20s, I am forever being told about this guy or that guy, or questioned about my "singleness". In all honesty, I am comfortable living my "simple", single life. I have good friends, a wonderful family, and freedom to experience whatever I want whenever I want. I actually do not feel as if I am "missing out" by being "alone". With that being said, a very good friend of mine wanted me to meet a friend of hers. She waited at least two months in between the first and second times she mentioned the idea. The second time I decided to say okay. Tonight was the night. We had drinks and dinner and good conversation and he paid. We were together for about an hour and a half. We both said we had fun and should do it again. I pretty much have NO dating experience, so I guess only time will tell, and I'm just SURE that God has a plan for me and my life. He had quite a sense of humor this past weekend...

I wrote about my experience "puppy sitting" this weekend. I am still laughing about it because of the events that occurred leading up to that day. For WEEKS, I prayed and talked to God asking him how I could help that family. I thought about how nice they are and how much they were struggling. I wanted SO badly to do something, something very special or meaningful that would help a lot, but not be hard to do or cost much/any money (basically, not to be an "overwhelming" offer). I racked my brain trying to think of what little old ME had to offer. All I could come up with was that I am blessed to have my own home... So, after weeks of thinking and days of figuring out how to offer assistance, I wrote a note. In the note, I mentioned that I wanted to do something to help, and was open to suggestions because I kept coming back to my HOME. I said the mom could do her laundry here, use my kitchen, hang out...whatever!--she had an "open invitation" to my home. I never could have imagined that God would have planned to use MY HOME to house this precious gift for their daughter for a little over 24 hours. I guess that was the answer to my prayer, and maybe theirs too. Last night, this wonderful woman allowed me to bring her dinner and spend the evening with her and her daughter. I was there for about 4 hours! (I kind of feel badly that I stayed so long and so late, but hope she would have asked me to leave if I had over-stayed my welcome!). We visited and laughed (and I had tears in my eyes more than once) and I got to snuggle with her baby. It was a fabulous way to spend my evening (not sure if she would say the same, but at least I was some kind of company!).

So, two busy days and interesting/fun nights on my days "off"...two more days "off" before I go back to the hospital on Saturday, and they are promising to be packed and fun-filled as well.

Now, if people actually READ this journal, I may be able to get some dating advice, but for now, I'll just "go with the flow" and maybe I won't end up needing any...God only knows.

Personality "proof"

This Type A person is very sleepy...I actually have to WORK tomorrow. I had to say good-bye to "Hope" this afternoon. She is going to make a little girl SO happy tomorrow. I hope someone gets a picture of that moment, not only for ME, but for her mom who will miss that special meeting.

You Have A Type A- Personality

You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - incorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Out of the Box

So, like Thanksgiving dinner, my cousin and I were the last to arrive today. It was okay, but funny since I'm a bit Type A and she lives in New York. I guess both of us took advantage of the "slower pace" of a vacation! We still made it in time to go to breakfast with Grandma. There are 8 kids and 21 grand kids on that side of the family. The first three kids only had girls, the next three had a mix, and the last two had boys. So, the first 10 grand kids were girls and our holidays were always fun (I'm the oldest)! Today, 7 of us were available to "hang out" with Grandma. A good time was had by all.

My sister had to go sign some papers for her house, and the rest of the girls were going shopping. I decided just to "ride along" with my mom to take my sister where she needed to go (I know, getting "carted around" by our mom, but neither of us likes to drive!). While riding in the car, I received an interesting phone call. It is no secret that I care a lot about my patients and their families and MAY have some "boundaries issues", but it is all because I care and because I can (and I hope that I would never make anyone uncomfortable). This has given me opportunities to be really happy, and really sad. Most of the time it is little things that I can do, like sit with a kid for a while while the parent takes a break, take some siblings for a few hours, let someone do free laundry at my house...NOT a big deal! There have, of course, been bigger things, like watching a few kids at the hospital while their sibling was born (SO lucky she had fast labor because THAT was the middle of the night!). This phone call took me so much by surprise that I had no idea what to say. My mom was driving and was a bit in shock as well! I was asked if I could take care of a brand new 6-week-old puppy today and tomorrow until the family was able to bring her home. WHAT?! ME?! I would definitely catergorize myself as "not a pet person"...I barely even TOUCH my sister and brother-in-law's dog when he comes around. I think at one point in the conversation, I said "well, I DID say that I would do ANYTHING to help you out"...SURE I can do that! So, my mom drove me to the hospital to pick up this very sweet little puppy named Hope and then back to my aunt and uncle's (since, of course, I didn't have my car!). Everyone wanted to play with the puppy and hold her, so we stayed there for a while (she is VERY cuddly and will be a wonderful Christmas present for a very sweet girl) . As I type, she is asleep next to my feet (she was in my lap, but I've been moving around a little bit to much!). I'm not exactly sure what to expect for the night, considering I've never been a mother or a puppy owner. I'm thinking there will not be much sleeping going on, but hopefully no "accidents". My cousin is leaving for the airport at 3:30 AM anyway, so I'l be awake at that time for sure

My mom said she was proud of me for "going out of the box" and bringing a puppy into my home (she put vodka in the pie crust, I'm puppy sitting...what a weekend!). So, that definitely makes it worth it (plus the fact that the family was VERY appreciative). Although, I guess that means that my "puppy nephew" will have to be welcome here on occasion as well... The puppy is asleep, so I should try and catch some "shut eye" as well.

Some photos from the Holiday

Looks like a Christmas picture to me!

Playing "Crummy Rummy" with the family

Breakfast with Grandma-very fun!
This is Hope

Lucky again?!

One wouldn't think that a phone call at 5:15 AM would be a good thing, but when that call is asking if you would like the possibility of having the day off, it is a VERY nice thing! Of course I said sure, since that meant I could sleep longer AND potentially be able to spend an entire day with my family who is still in town for the holiday. I DID miss out on the early morning shopping, since they went out before 5:00 when I was still thinking I had to work, but staying in bed until 7:30 was a wonderful surprise (even though 7:30 is STILL early in my book!). I was "on call" until about 5:00, but the only stipulation for that is getting to work in 30 minutes after they call you. I went out to breakfast, and to my aunt and uncles with "everyone else". It was a GREAT time! We had our turkey enchiladas and turkey noodle soup as usual for our "day after Thanksgiving leftovers". We played "crummy rummy" and just had a great time visiting with each other. I can't believe it was my "turn" to get the day off work and I definitely think I made the most of it. I have the weekend off as well, so tomorrow will be more fun with the family :o) (and Sunday, unfortunately probably means more leaf-raking which will not be fun in the freezing temperatures, but I'm not going to worry about that now!). If I go to bed now, I can get a nice amount of sleep. So, lucky again, and VERY blessed!

Giving Thanks

My cousin who lives in New York flew into town yesterday for the holiday. She is spending the weekend with me, which was a nice incentive for me to pick up some of the stuff that has just been piling up because I live alone. Of course, I have a LONG way to go before I'd let too many people see my home, but I got a good start. She went out to dinner with a friend, and I ate with my parents. I offered to pick someone up at the airport late last night, but they didn't end up needing me. SO, I went out with two of my cousins. We are all the oldest in our families, of the oldest three kids on my mom's side of the family, who only have sisters. It was the first time any of us could remember JUST the three of us "hanging out". We had a WONDERFUL time! I am thankful that things worked out this way (because I had planned on using the airport excuse to not go out, or would not have been able to stay out as long). One of those "everything happens for a reason" moments...

Today, I did not have to work. However, either because of my work, or simply getting older, I have come to realize how very blessed I am to have such a terrific family, and how hard it would be to be separated from them. So many of the families whose children are cared for at my hospital have more separation than anyone could imagine. It is a huge hardship/stressor for them, which is sometimes forgotten by "us" health care workers. At my family dinner today, we had THIRTY people! I was able to see BOTH sets of grandparents, four aunts, four uncles, and thirteen cousins (and of course "others" because that doesn't add up to 30!). If I would have stayed with that side of the family for the rest of the day, I would have been the 25th person at the "bowling outing". I am SO blessed that family has always such an important part of my life.

This poem was posted in a comment on another blog I read. I really liked it, so decided to post it here, so I won't forget its message. I truly am blessed, and am trying to make sure I remember that every day!

Thank today whom you may not be able to thank tomorrow...
Forgive today whom you may not be able to forgive tomorrow....

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something, for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations, because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge, because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary, because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles, and they can become your blessings.

True wealth is the blessings you see in your life.
True wealth is the blessings you give to others.
True wealth is what you give, not what you have or get...

Even though "no one" really reads this, I guess I should say "Happy Thanksgiving". I know that I am "giving thanks", ESPECIALLY today, but striving for every day.

Oh the blessings!

So, I have gotten the attitude adjustment I was seeking. I don't know if it was the retreat or a woman I have come to know who had an AMAZING ability to see the blessings in EVERYTHING or something else entirely, but I'm liking the "new me". That sounds like I was a pretty bad person before, which is not the case. I generally HAVE been a very positive, kind, caring, and generous person, but I felt like I was in a "rut" where I randomly would get easily frustruated, and just "snap" into a not very nice person. A couple of days could be explained by "I'm a woman, that's why", but I was feeling a little out of control. I don't recall being "called out" on my behavior more than once or twice, so maybe I wasn't THAT bad, but once or twice is enough to really think about what's going on.

I worked three days in a row, which can be enough to make ANYONE a little crabby, but my three shifts were GREAT! (of course, the first day I got off early, but that's beside the point!). Yesterday, I floated to the PICU, which typically is not that pleasant of an experience because it is hard not knowing the people that well or where things are. However, I got to take care of two patients that are VERY familiar to me, and actually two of my "favorites". It was such a fun day, because neither was really that sick, and they were right across the hall from each other, so my legs got a nice break. Having only TWO patients was nice as well, especially two patients who had family there the entire day. It also is a WONDERFUL "ego boost" to have parents/patients tell you that you are one of their favorite nurses :o) Gotta love that!

This morning, I woke up to our first snow. That make me a bit crabby, but I was reminded by the woman first mentioned above how BEAUTIFUL of a blessing this is. She is from the South, though, so doesn't QUITE realize how annoying snow can be year after year! It did, however, make me smile that she was so happy about the snow, so now I'm less crabby about it (although it would have been nice to have all my leaves raked up before there was snow piled on top of them!). I'm working on cleaning my house (obviously not now as I type, so I'd better get back to work!) before I pick up my cousin at the airport. It's going to be a wondeful Thanksgiving...it HAD to be, because I'm "done being crabby!"

Prayers go out to ALL the families with kids in the hospital. Yesterday, there were still 13 patients in our PICU, 9 of whom remain on ventilators. We also had over 20 patients on the floor, many who will still be there tomorrow. There are many who will celebrate this holiday season separated from their families, or have no family. Prayers of thanksgiving that I have been SO very blessed.

Lucky Duck

I may have slept in a little longer than I should have, but I DID clock in on time. I was, however, the last nurse to come. As mentioned in a previous post, unless you were there the day prior, the last one to arrive typically gets "the leftovers", since everyone else has already "picked" their patients. The two patients who were left did not seem like a very good combo, but I did not complain except to say I was going to be confused since their names (and diagnoses) were SO similar (I said the wrong names all day). I found out that when those were the two patients left, one of the other nurses said no way she would take THOSE two and went to the other side. (Now why is it that the ONE time that I did that, I was "given a talk", but others can do it all the time?! Oh well, that's life I suppose.). Anyway, neither girl was TOO sick, but both are "notorious" for being sassy at times, and usually quite "needy" (that darn call light!). Anyway, I decided days ago that I was going to have a good day, so a good day was the plan. The one girl and I had "issues" because, as she says, she has a "grudge" against me from something that happened TWO years ago, and refused to do what I asked and threw her bedpan across the room--NICE, huh?! Now THAT wasn't a very fun hour and a half, but at least it didn't happen when I had other sick patients who needed me. She ended up getting discharged, and we hadn't gotten any admissions, so I gave report on my one patient to the charge nurse, and got to leave around 3:30. It was such a wonderful surprise! Maybe I should try being positive more often...good things seem to come to those people :o)

So, I got off early and stopped to get some ice cream and write a quick note to one of the moms before I headed for home. I raked some leaves, and did some laundry and dishes. I also cooked lunch for tomorrow and took a bath. I still have a bit of stuff to do around the house to prepare for my Thanksgiving guests. I know at least one cousin will stay here, but am not sure how many more. It will be fun, even though I do have to work the day after Thanksgiving.

Remember when this used to be fun?!

I guess it STILL kind of is!

The side yard...I did rake a few of those leaves,

but they still need to be bagged

Lots and lots of leaves (the backyard)

A portion of ONE of the huge trees in my yard...

there are a LOT of leaves left!

Back to work tomorrow. I "bathed" tonight, so can sleep in a little longer again tomorrow...maybe I can be lucky with the "left-overs" again :o) I'll at least plan to be positive with whatever the day may bring (Mondays can be quite rough!). Good night!

Much Better!

I had a wonderful day today, even though I did NOT rake my leaves OR do any cleaning of my house...still need to work on making that a priority, but I think I needed these three days to recover. I feel like I am ready to "jump in" to three days of work and then I'll get a break again for the holiday (lucky me!).

My visit went well...I have decided that the situation is not for me to worry about, because that is not why I am there. It really is probably the easiest job I can imagine, especially for the amount I am being paid. So, I guess I only need to look to this post, the next time I try to complain about it! I probably will miss it when I'm finished.

I had lunch with my mom, and my parents got their new washer and dryer. They are very excited about that! This afternoon, I went to a party at my aunt's house along with another aunt and two cousins. I rode with one of my cousins during the 30 minute drive and we had a nice visit. The party was fun, even though it was a clothing-selling type party with $100 being the average price for an item...SO not in MY budget, but it was a gathering of family and at least I was not expected to buy anything! We had dinner after the party. Then, I ordered supplies to make Christmas gifts for my friends and co-workers. I'm excited about that!! Supposedly, it isn't going to be that difficult, but I DID get the idea from one of my very creative cousins...so, we shall see about that!

I haven't had to get up early in a while, so probably should go to bed soon. This doesn't look like I did much today, but it just was nice getting out of the house doing out-of-the-ordinary things with my family. It probably helps too that my one friend should have gotten to go home from the hospital on Thursday, and another couple families I have been praying for seem to be having better days. I feel a lot better when the people around me are happy :O) Now, if only I could make myself NOT so sad when the people around me are hurting...oh yeah, that pretty much makes me who I am, so not holding my breath on that one! Good night.

Growing Up

Another "day off" was greatly appreciated! I did a visit this morning (it WAS hard to get up to go, but it is NOT hard work at all, so as my mom said "put your little violin away"). I had some "down time" that I planned to do some cleaning and DID actually pick up a couple of things, but would not call it "progress". I had an eye doctor appointment and decided to get new lenses for one of my pairs of glasses because they are nearly four years old. New lenses cost $200!! That is WITH insurance AND I didn't get new frames! Seems crazy, but at least I have a flexible spending account that had more than enough money left to pay for them. I then went at paid my house payment (nothing like waiting until the last day!). As you may be realizing, this was quite the expensive day (good thing it was "pay day"!). I went to the grocery store, and put gas in my car. I sent off my credit card and gas/water bills. I went to the store and bought a new queen size bed for my guest room, BECAUSE...MY SISTER AND HER HUSBAND GOT A HOUSE!!! They have been looking for a while, and their apartment lease is up at the end of November. They hope to be able to move the middle of December, if the inspection and everything goes as planned. The bed that is currently in my guest room is my sister's from when she lived here. So, since their house has four bedrooms, they need it back. I got a really good deal, I think, and it is 15 months with no interest, so "manageable".

I guess "Growing Up" means lots of bills...but being a "homeowner" is pretty darn cool :o) I can't believe it's almost been a year that I've been living here by myself, in my OWN house. Love it!

So, I actually didn't go to bed early last night, and have another busy day tomorrow, so will try again tonight! I work Sunday, Monday, Tuesday at the hospital so REALLY should "rest up" before then.

A Time To Be Grateful

Before I journal about today, I should mention that yesterday was my last day at the hospital until Sunday. Three days "off" was much needed. I did okay at work, but still feel like I am having troubles keeping my positive attitude and fear that I am not always as kind as I should be, and WANT to be. After work, I had a "girls night in" with a friend (who just so happens to be a mother of one of the patients). It was GREAT to do something social--we had pizza, cheese bread, and wine! We hadn't talked in a few months, so were able to "catch up" (although, I did a LOT more talking than listening...I think I need to work on my listening skills!). I felt grateful for having such wonderful friends who help put things into perspective for me, but was still looking forward to today!

Today was a day I had been anxiously awaiting--a retreat with the title "A Time To Be Grateful". A day for MYSELF, a day "off" from everything my heart and head would allow me to leave behind. I didn't exactly know what to expect, since I had never been on a retreat like this. I figured there would be some tears because I've been so close for so long. Turns out I was already crying BEFORE I left the house related at least in part to a posting on a blog I read that I HAD to look at this morning (I admit to having issues with that..). I got a coffee and breakfast at Starbucks and headed West for 40 minutes to the retreat center (and cried at various points during different songs on my Ipod, of course!). I was welcomed to the center and discovered there were fifteen women there, including the facilitator. I'm thinking that all but one of them was old enough to be my mother, and I'm pretty sure most of the rest probably could have been my grandmothers. I AM 28, though, and guess that make me an adult, so I didn't really feel out-of-place! In fact, I think I was even MORE comfortable because these women were NOT my "peers".

During our first session, we talked about gratefulness coming from being able to see beauty. We had a nice discussion and then were given time to reflect. Some of my thoughts included seeing beauty in death (I gave an example of that during our discussion), and in the gift of new life (my work trying to sneak in to my day...that happened more than I would have hoped, but it was okay I guess). How every day should be treated like a gift, because no one is promised a "tomorrow", and how grateful I am for the love of my family and friends. How grateful I am of the life I have been given. My mind kept going to the Natalie Grant song "Something Beautiful" (probably because I heard her sing "live" a week ago, but it IS fitting!). One part I like says "The life you've been living, the days that you've been given, were made for something Beautiful. Life- Don't let it pass you by because you were created for something Beautiful". I reflected on this for quite a bit, because I have been having a hard time trying to figure out if what I am doing with my life is really what I am supposed to be doing (or, if I really am doing what I think I am doing which is what I am supposed to be doing...no wonder I'm confused!).

Anyway, we came back together for the second session that was about imagination and creativity. The facilitator told us that we are ALL creative, but each in our own unique way, because God created us that way. God has the "Divine Imagination". Creativity is paying attention to who I am, the world around me, and my response to that. (It sounded a lot better when she said it, and did make a little more sense than this, but it was meaningful at that time.) We were given a folder of "Creativity Stuff" which of course would have "freaked out" all of us whose brains don't work that way, had it not been for her previous discussion that we ALL have creativity! There were some different ideas of things to do during our next break before lunch. I ended up trying to do "border art" without much success besides finding a fitting scripture "Sing to the Lord a new song, for he has done marvelous things" while I was listening to some of my favorite music. It worked, I guess, but I was "grateful" that we only had a short time for that activity before lunch!



After lunch, there were options to do art meditation, walk the labyrinth, or whatever you wanted to do. I decided to walk the Labyrinth , which is a really neat way to do reflection and meditation. This is a picture of what that looks like. During that time, I had to force myself to SLOW DOWN, because I am so used to walking fast (being a "vertically challenged" nurse is a double whammy for slow walking!). I also used that time to try and focus on all the wonderful things in my life that I am grateful for, and what wonderful people God has placed in my life (even if they are only in my life because I have "sought them out" through the "blogging community").

What I great day! I felt more refreshed, having spent an entire day away from home that did not involve working, and with goals to not only be more grateful in my every day life, but also to do a better job of looking at the beauty in nature (I don't get outside much). On the way home, I spoke with another dear friend who helps me put the pieces together when I am "broken" (again, there were tears!). She has a nice gentleman she wants me to meet. As if I need more anxiety in my life, but I agreed that if he called, I would not say "no"...so, this story may continue!

When I got home, I checked a few of the blogs I read (even though in talking to this friend, I mentioned that I read blogs of people who have had really sad things happen to their lives...I'm sure THAT has no effect on my "mood"...I told her that those people INSPIRE me with their faith and perspective, which is my reason for reading, not to "punish myself" for my "perfect life"). Anyway, this blog had something written that seems to sum up what I think is going on with me (at least somewhat), but hadn't been able to put into words, or fully understand. Oh how wonderful God is! "I will admit that I tend to get a heavy heart at times, worrying and concerning myself with the burdens of other peoples' lives to the point where it starts to impose on the life I have at hand. It's a constant juggle for me- a permanent tension in my heart. The compassion and concern I have for the needs and heartache of others tugs so strongly on my heart. I do a lot of praying, and lately I find myself asking God, "what do you want me to do?"."

So, that was my day...then, I had a meeting at my high school where I am on the Alumnae Council and got to share my experience of the day. I'm tired, so think I'll be going to bed early (that's the plan anyway...people everywhere have been "commenting" on how tired I look, and that is NOT good!).

Nothing, or Everything?

or somewhere in between? For a length of time (a couple days, a week?), I have felt like I am always on the brink of tears. The "waterworks" haven't come yet, but I'm ready, I guess. I've been an emotional person for as long as I can remember, and tears do come easily. However, it seems like I now have a harder time pin-pointing what is upsetting me. Now, maybe that has been going on longer than I think, but I'm trying to sort things out.

Yesterday should NOT have been a bad day at work. My patient load was not that bad, and I was working with people I like. Yet, for whatever reason, I got REALLY frustrated and crabby and just had to step away (maybe it was because I ate lunch at 2:30 and my meltdown was right about that time...could be!). Anyway, then today I was on an emotional roller coaster from having fun, to really stressed, to upset, to fun, to nearly crying because of something nice, to content, to nearly crying over a blog I was reading, on and on ALL day long!

I spoke with a friend, who actually happens to be my friend BECAUSE of my work, as the parent of a transplant recipient. What she told me REALLY helped put things into perspective. I wish I could remember her exact words, but that was a couple hours and a glass of wine ago. Basically, she said that I don't realize HOW challenging my full-time job is, emotionally and physically. Add to that the fact that I DON'T leave that job at work because I'm either there doing "non-work related things" or thinking about it when I'm at home. Plus the fact that I occasionally baby-sit for a transplant patient which is actually a little stressful with all the "drama" that is her life. AND, on the days that I'm not at the hospital, I have been doing my job with CPS that has taken some emotional energy lately that was not there when I started (it seemed to be a "cushy" job, but now I'm seeing how the system is working and I don't think I like it!). I guess when it is put like THIS, it's no wonder that I feel tired even though I "only" work three days a week, don't have kids, am not "dating", and seem to get enough sleep.

I was VERY surprised to discover that I have 29 posts labeled "work" and 18 labeled "just fun". I actually thought that there would be less "fun" stuff because lately it doesn't feel like I'm having that much of it (even though I DID go on vacation AND went to the Cornhole Bowl!). When I am home, I don't feel like doing anything that needs to get done, so am "bored". So, I keep super-busy, and then I get crabby and emotional. I don't want to "cut back" on the little "extras" I do, because I think taking care of other people is my LIFE'S mission. If I can make someones day better, or easier, then that is a day well spent. I work with people ALL the time whose lives are not going the way they want. Seeing people dealing with MAJOR issues like separation from family, a chronically ill child, finances, marriages, etc. is a daily occurrence for me. It hurts so much to see other people struggling like this. It reminds me even more that I have an AMAZINGLY wonderful, pretty darn perfect life, but sometimes that makes me more sad! Why am I so lucky? and what can I do to help them? Ahh, it seems to be a cycle that never ends, which is probably why I am having such emotional issues!

I guess I should sleep on this...maybe I'll get some tears out in my dreams, so there won't be any trying to sneak out at work tomorrow.

Cornhole Bowl!

Today was the "4th Annual Cornhole Bowl". I had someone switch with me at work so I could go. I went two years ago and had a BLAST! My sister was so excited to go, and she almost didn't make it. That would have been very sad! It worked out great, although they lost their first game, my team lost our first game (I am NOT good at Cornhole!), so we had to play each other in the double-elimination tournament and they beat us. My sister and her huband actually won TWO games and BOTH won raffle prizes (my team won no games and no prizes, but it was still VERY FUN!). Enjoy the photos :o)

Reflections on Faith

I wrote this post last night, and it is pretty "random" and a bit confusing, but I have to say that it did clear things up for me, maybe just a little bit. I was thinking I could just save it in my drafts and not post it, since no one really reads this anyway. But, I decided that this is "Just Me" in all my craziness and confus-edness, so post it is.

I have so much running through my head, but am also pretty tired, so this may be a post that becomes "to be continued". My thoughts are all over the place, so I may need to do some "reorganizing" to try and make sense of it all (or, maybe I'll just leave it as random thoughts/reflections).

I was born to Catholic parents. I grew up in a Catholic neighborhood. I went to Catholic school for 13 years. I attended a university with a large Catholic community. To be completely honest, I really like being Catholic. I also enjoy listening to the Christian radio station. Tonight, I attended a free Natalie Grant concert and it was just what I needed spiritually today. Many of the blogs I read are of people who "typically" do not consider Catholics as "Christians", for whatever reason, but since I usually just read, I don't feel "judged". These are VERY faith-filled people who have been hit time and time again with events and experiences that could have turned them bitter. The mom who continued her "caringbridge" site even after her daughter lost her battle waiting for a liver transplant, the mom who writes about scrapbooking, faith, motherhood, and forgiveness after her daughter was killed in an accident that never should have happened. There's the mom whose daughter survived a heart transplant, is autistic, and she herself is now battling cancer, and the mom whose first son has multiple issues after a liver transplant and second son has still "undiagnosed" developmental delays. And these are just a few of the stories of people I have NEVER met, as there are countless more PLUS stories of faith and miracles in the work I do, and the people I know. I am amazed, and humbled by the amount of faith these people have, and are willing to share.

Maybe I really have as much faith as these people who inspire me, I just have a different way of expressing it, however, I have been looking for ways to enhance my "Catholicism" and examine my faith more closely. I started reading a book called "blessed are the bored in spirit: A Young Catholic's Search for Meaning" by Mark Hart. It is taking me entirely too long to read, but has been inspiring so far. I am a member of the Young Adult group at my church and we had a very nice meeting this week. I am excited to be attending a retreat a week from today titled "A Time to be Grateful : Reflections on the bountiful gifts of God...the gifts of self, others, and nature". Today, I also purchased a book that will have daily prayers for 2008.

That is where I ended the post last night...I suppose I will pick up on this another time, as it has been quite a reflection (although, my "deep reflecting" had to take a break since I actually had to sleep last night and really should be in bed now!). More on this another time!

On another note, today was a good day. I didn't have busy patients, but was able to help out my "fellow nurses" a bit, which makes me feel good :o) I also was able to spend some extra time with a patient and her mom, which is also nice. I feel like I can learn SO much from the parents of these chronically ill children. It really puts things into perspective when I can actually SEE what kinds of things are expected of them when they go outpatient...it is CRAZY...especially when I think about some of the parents we get! I believe I am a better nurse because of when I learn from listening.

Recovering

I have decided that I am WAY to old to stay awake until 2:00 in the morning "just because". How happy was I to get a call at 8:00 telling me I didn't have to work this morning! I'm not even going to try and make them pay for a "cancellation" because staying in bed was worth MUCH more than the fifty or so dollars I would have gotten. So, I stayed in bed until close to 11:30. Of course, the fact that I have my thermostat set at 62 so I'm just a LITTLE bit on the chilly side since it has been getting close to freezing at night. I got an extra blanket and just slept the morning away! It was wonderful!

I DID force myself to be a little bit productive, so I wrote some thank you notes and walked them to the post office, stopping at the grocery store on the way home. I unloaded the dishes from the dishwasher (it didn't take me a WHOLE week!) and loaded up the dirty ones. I raked some leaves and filled two bags (I know that doesn't sound like much, but I was outside close to an hour raking and filling).

I got my nails done, went and bought some new shirts, got a couple things at the pharmacy, and now I'm home and tired.

No more staying up late for me! (that is, until I forget what it felt like).

What a day!

Well, I guess the time change isn't affecting me TOO badly since this is later than I've stayed up in a LONG time (either that, or it's the 10 little packages of sweet tarts I ate an hour or so ago!). I AM actually starting to get tired, but since I haven't posted in a while, I decided to "go for it" (even though, I realize, like 5 people have ever read an entire post...).

I did a visit this morning which was fine. The family support worker does parenting classes during the visits, so I'm learning AND getting paid! While I was there, I got a call from a former patient's mother who had become a friend when she was here, but I hadn't talked to in a while. I obviously couldn't take the call since I was working, but called her when I got off and found out that her son was getting admitted to my hospital and they were on their way. They aren't really sure what is wrong, but I'm praying that he won't have to be here very long. I did get a chance to catch up with my friend since I was already at the hospital. Because, yesterday, I offered to sit with a patient so her mom could do something "normal" like go to the store to buy "necessities". I wasn't sure she would take me up on my offer, and was prepared to be okay with that (and decided that if that happened, I would clean my house). So, my house stays a mess, but I had a great time "hanging out" with this precious girl and visiting with her mom. They are both struggling right now and this was something VERY easy for me to do that seemed to help for a couple hours at least. AND, I didn't have to make a "special trip" five minutes down the road to visit my friend and her son. I suppose I should go to bed soon in case I am called to the hospital tomorrow to be a friend :o)

I had dinner with another friend (boy, am I blessed or what?!) and we had a nice visit (and lots of laughs at the expense of our poor waiter...we were nice to him, I promise!). She is going to be my partner for a "cornhole" tournament on Saturday. I'm REALLY excited about that one!

Okay, off to bed (it looked like there was some kind of outage occuring in 10 minutes anyway!).