Checking In

I've been wanting to blog, I really have, but it's been a busy week and I'm tired! I actually am getting to work this week, which is fabulous, but does make for some long and tiring days. Today, I even went in for "overtime" which is very exciting (but, again, a little tiring after spending days at home lounging around!)

The girls are still living here as we continue to wait for the Judge's ruling. I talked to their GAL on Friday (I love her and wish we would have had her all the time, but it is what it is and she understands things very well!) who told me I would be one of the first to know when there is a report. She thought the State would have to arrange "pick up", so it isn't likely they would just come get the girls "randomly" while I was at work. She said that I could bring the girls and their things to their mom's if that would be a better/easier transition. There is a possibility that the order won't be for them to go home "immediately" and I think having a "date" would be easier for all of us (besides their mom who wants them home now...for reasons I best not type right now in my tired state in case I regret it later).

Their mom was MUCH less manipulative in her "conversing" with me this weekend, which was much appreciated (I was MORE than happy to send the requested milk + juice and bread with the girls today). I wanted to write a post titled "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", but may just have to write a small bit here. It feels like when the girls are with their mom, they have a good time, but when they are here, it is as if they really are "out of sight, out of mind". She knows how to contact me. She knows how to reach the teen (and the little one). But, she never does. She doesn't "communicate" until it's Friday afternoon and she "wants" them for the weekend. I think that is really sad. I ask the teen almost every day if she had talked to her mom, just in case there is some kind of communication occurring about visits or anything that I need to know about. The answer is always "no". I realize that the teen COULD contact her mom just as easily as her mom contacts her, but that isn't really the point. As much as I understand that this seeming lack of care and concern for her children isn't grounds to keep them living here, it still hurts to think about them going back to that way of living. I mean, when I'm at work, I call the teen at LEAST three times to check on her and she showed me the finger she burned on her flat iron at LEAST three times. She is used to the attention, and I'm pretty sure she likes it :)

I haven't heard from "the guy" since we went out two weeks ago. Maybe he knew things weren't really going to work before I did. I got mixed reactions from the relatives and friends I have talked to about what I discovered in therapy, but everyone has been more understanding than I expected. Of course, I still think I need to have some sort of conversation with him, but I'm okay waiting until we can meet face-to-face or at least have a phone conversation.

I've had two dreams during the past week that I needed to be licensed for three kids instead of just two. I don't think I'd really take three kids, but I did email my agency worker to see what would need to happen for me to get licensed for three. I think it is based on square footage, so I believe I could take four (or maybe even more) since I have a three bedroom house. I decided on two since that sounded more reasonable (I'm glad I didn't just say one!)

Well, this was supposed to be a super quick "checking in" post, but ended up being much longer! I need to end now so I can do a couple things before going to bed. I work the next two days, so that will be a "rude awakening" for my body. I have no idea when the girls will be back, but at least I won't miss them QUITE as much if I'm busy and tired!

Good night.

Family Time

After a couple of manipulative and guilt-trip filled text messages from the girls' mom on Friday afternoon, they were picked up by their cousin for the weekend. They actually are to be dropped off here shortly. We have not heard anything from the judge.

I "needed" them to go for the weekend because my cousin was getting married on Saturday, I did not RSVP for them, and my mom was counting on me having at least one overnight guest Friday night. Their mom texted me last night that they wanted to stay another night, which worked out because then my two high school cousins stayed the night after we went to see Bridesmaids :)

It was fun hanging out with my family without "entertaining" a teen and a pre-schooler, although it also would have been fine to have them there.

I got a pedicure, I bought a new dress, and went and got my hair done. I got a lot of compliments (and comments about my "thinness" which I actually can see in the pictures, although I wish I knew what to say about how it happened!) There was a candy "bar" and a photo booth...score! There was a lot of chatting and dancing. It was an all-around good time.

Enjoy the pictures :)

Thank You Therapy

I started seeing my counselor in Fall 2009 initially through the Employee Assistance Program. I was in pretty rough shape emotionally, but eventually came to the realization that while my life wasn't (isn't) "cookie cutter" or "normal" by society standards, that doesn't make it "wrong". I found a way to embrace my "singleness", and then found a way to be a mom. I learned that I'm not here to fit into the mold other's think I should fit into, I am here to do what God is calling me to do.

So, then what happened?!

I've been a mom for over a year and it has been the most amazing experience. Even though it will be incredibly sad when they go home, I know that I have given it my all and our lives are forever changed for the better. I have given them opportunities they would never have been able to experience. I have experienced love and laughter like none I had ever known. I love taking care of kids. I love being able to make a difference in their lives. I love being a mom.

I don't so much enjoy dating and that has been an ongoing struggle for me. I cried as I wrote this post on Saturday night and was pretty much left wondering what is "wrong" with me.

This morning, I dropped the little one off at her Spanish class and went to see K. Oh, how much I love K. We have been through a lot together and I've been seeing her twice a month during this time when I thought the girls were going home/are going home, but she has been working with me financially a lot (as in, today and a number of other sessions were free and she pretty much just has me pay what it costs her to "rent" the room for an hour...yeah, she's awesome). She made some really good points, I cried (of course), but agreed with her.

Once again, she helped me to embrace who I am, even if it isn't who "society" thinks I should be...or even who my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors think I should be. I need to be at peace with the fact that I have a gift for caring for kids and am called to that ministry, both as a pediatric nurse and a foster parent. I am not called to be in a committed relationship...at least not now. I have to believe that I gave it "the old college try" these past six months with possibly a guy who is 100% perfect for me, but I'm just not feeling it. The fact that I told her I was wondering what kind of "excuses" I would have to come up with once the girls go home pretty much sums things up.

She said I need to stop "should-ing" on myself...and I have been "should-ing" a lot in this relationship. I "should" text him to let him know I'm not working today. I "should" be excited when I get a text from him. I "should" say I'll go to dinner with him. I "should" talk to him before I accept any new placements. But, it "shouldn't" be like that. I KNOW it's not him (because he's a really great guy), that it's totally me, but she (tried to) help me see that this is "ok". There isn't anything "wrong" with me, this is just who I am...and why should I try to be someone I am not? That doesn't really help anyone. So, I need to be at peace with this, and hope "other people" are okay with it (and, if not, I need to be okay with that too).

Now, I just have to figure out when and how to tell him. Prayers certainly accepted and appreciated :)

Pins and Needles

That's how I feel like I am living these days--on pins and needles. Court was last Tuesday. One week ago.  At that time, the judge said she would look things over and make a decision. The GAL told the agency worker and me that she would let us know as soon as she sees the report. Everyone has told me that this judge is really unpredictable, so there is no guessing when that will be or what she will decide. I have a hard time believing she will go against the recommendation for the girls to "go home immediately", but then again, there were some tough questions asked at court that really didn't have stellar answers. So, I'm feeling, and have pretty much been told, that my phone could ring at any moment (well, likely not at 10:00 at night) to let me know that the judge has said that the girls go home "now" and then I pack their things and they go.

Let me just say, that I've kept my phone on me all day long and tried not to freak out when it rang (thankfully, it didn't ring more than a couple of times).

I haven't told the little one anything about "going home" because there doesn't seem to be much of a point since we have no clue when that will be and her sense of time is that of a 3 1/2 year old ;) I'm not sure how much the teen knows since she said that this weekend she did not talk to her mom about court, plan for visits this week, or about coming to get the full-size bed that I offered her mom (for her) back in January.

I guess the "pins and needles" thing has to be just as hard for the teen, but it seems like she is just "living it up" while she's here and doesn't appear to be too stressed out by what's happening. Of course, she had a migraine today, so maybe that's how she's dealing with it, but she denied being stressed or worried when I asked her (it was nearly 100 degrees with 30-40% humidity, so that could do it too!) She applied for a couple of jobs and I was reminded once again how amazing she is and how blessed I am to have come to know her.

This "pins and needles" thing really stinks, but I'm trying not to stress about it too much. What is to be will be and we will deal with what happens when it happens. I can't just sit at home waiting for the phone to ring, so the little one is taking a three day Spanish class in the morning before day care. The teen is sleeping in, watching baseball and silly youtube videos, and telling me all sorts of stories.

Just thought I should give an update...still waiting...on pins and needles.

One Year

One year ago tonight was the first night the girls spent here. Tonight, they are actually at their mom's. When they came, I never imagined they would still be living here a year later, especially since they had spent six months at the previous foster home and I was told then that they would be going home "soon". Well, that "soon" could be tomorrow...or the next day...or next week...or next month. I have absolutely no idea when the judge will make her decision or what that decision will be. I made a slide show on iPhoto with pictures from the last year (pretty sure there are 1000 pictures on my computer from the past year...not all of them, but many are) Unfortunately, I'm not technologically savvy and I didn't get started until late, so may have to go to bed without posting it :( The song I used for it is "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts which is the teen's "Class Song". I thought the lyrics fit fine for this too.

My Wish by Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
and each road leads you where you want to go
and if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you


And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
but more than anything, more than anything


My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
you never need to carry more than you can hold


And while you're out there gettin' where your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
and wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish


I hope you never look back, but you never forget
all the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
and you help somebody every chance you get


Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
and always give more than you take
but more than anything, yeah more than anything


My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
you never need to carry more than you can hold


And while you're out there gettin' where your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
and wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

Well, I don't have time to mess with it tonight, so will just post a couple of pictures...

Good night.

What Do I Want?

This is one of those posts that has been floating around in my head waiting to get out. It also could end up being one that I maybe shouldn't have pressed "publish post", but it will be me how I am right now and it has always been good for me to see where I have been and how I got to where I am.

Dating.

For a while, I was called the "one date wonder" by a friend because over the course of a year or so, I went on 4 (maybe 5, maybe 3?) "first dates". All seemed to go well, but there was no second call, no further contact.

Tonight, I went out with a guy I started talking to 6 months ago. Mostly, we "talk" or "text", but we have gone out maybe seven (or eight...I stopped counting) times. He often makes me laugh when we text. We have a good time when we are together. I can tell he likes me...a lot. I have really struggled with that, especially because I don't know what I want.

I have been seeing my counselor twice a month for months now. I visit with my "spiritual director" about once a month. I think about it, sometimes pray about it, occasionally have talked about it to people other than those two women, but have no answers.

Last weekend, I was given time to think about a potential foster placement if the girls went home. It definitely crossed my mind that I wasn't feeling I needed to include him in any of the decision making process. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted, but either didn't come to any conclusions, or didn't really like my answers (wow, I'm totally beating around the bush...or, maybe I'm even more confused than I thought I was, which seems impossible!)

What I thought about was that even through the ups and downs and stresses of the past year, I really think this is as happy as I have ever been (which I type with tears streaming down my face...awesome!) This past year, I was given the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do my entire life...and that is be a mom. As I thought of that potential placement earlier this week, I thought that if I spent my whole life taking care of other people's kids and never got married, I would be fulfilled...and I would be happy. Of course, then I thought of the argument people would have to say that it would be even more fun to take care of "other people's kids" WITH someone else.

But, do I "have" to? Is that what I'm "called" to do? Didn't I spent an entire year+ of therapy prior to the girls living here coming to the conclusion that my life is okay just the way it is, even if it isn't like anyone else's...or how other people think my life "should" be?

And then, there's this guy. This guy who probably has everything on the "list" I would have of what I wanted in that "special someone". When we started talking, I told people that "on paper" everything looks/sounds "perfect". But, beyond the "list", I don't really feel the desire for more. I find myself texting him when I think I am "supposed" to, or wait until he does and then of course respond, because it's rude if you don't. He texted me on Tuesday to see if we could do something some day/some time this week/weekend and I told him I was really busy and had a million things going on.

Seriously, I did.

Then, I had a change of heart (with a nudge from my sister) and texted him that if he was still free tonight, I would maybe be up to hanging out for a bit. As it turns out, he was baby-sitting his 3-year-old nephew (I know, cute), so it was a lot less stressful for me to go out with him anyway. He brought me a little rose from his garden (again, I know). We went Downtown and out to dinner. It was a good time, but again, I really don't know what I want...if I want anything more than that. It's "wrong", but I really like having the girls as an "excuse" and am a little anxious about what will happen when that excuse is gone.

The thing is, I probably shouldn't NEED an excuse. I probably need to talk to him. But, it's hard to talk about stuff like that when I have no clue what I want. I really do feel for him and think it is amazing that he has stuck with me for six months of this, but really how much is he going to be able to take? I'm frustrated with myself, so can't imagine what he's thinking.

Well, I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want, but I've used a couple tissues and made sure my tear ducts still work...yep, still intact and filled with tears (although not quite as full now ;) ) I guess I have more talking, and thinking, and praying to do, but now it is time to sleep.

Good night.

Birthday Wishes

This is a little late in coming, but better late than never, right?! ;) Today was (still is!) my friend Ginger's birthday. I thought it was appropriate to "re-post" a post I wrote right before I went to meet her for the first time two years ago. (Here is a link to the post I wrote last year which was a re-post of "how we met".) I love you, Ginger. Thanks for being with me through all the ups and downs and keeping me in check :) Happy (not quite belated!) Birthday! I love and miss you.

What Is a Friend? (Originally Posted May 29, 2009)

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have,
and one of the best things you can be.
A friend is the one who will always be beside you,
through all the laughter, and through each and every tear.
A friend is the one thing you can always rely on;
the someone you can always open up to.
A friend is a sanctuary.
A friend is a smile.
A friend is a hand that is always holding yours,
no matter where you are.
A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.
~Collin McCarty

I have been thinking a lot about friends recently, and have been waiting for just the right moment to post this poem. I have decided to leave my lap top at home for this vacation, and am planning to set this entry to post right around the time I meet up with Ginger and Lauren.

Friends have kind of been a funny thing in my life. In elementary school, I went through a couple "best friends", but mostly I was friends with everyone (which, unfortunately, did not really translate to getting invited to the "cool parties") In high school, I was fortunate to have a couple "best friends" with whom I remain very close. (Remember, our very own "fifteen feet of fun"?!) But again, friends with everyone was kind of "my thing" and that pretty much continued through college. I am still friends with one member of "AMEALAKA" :o)

I had coffee today with a friend I have known since I baby-sat her kids who are now 14 and 18. She and I talked for over three hours and it was AWESOME! And, in total "un-randomness", I stopped by Target on the way home to pick up a couple things and ran into my friend (totally unflattering picture of us here) who was in town from a state away as her son is evaluated for a second transplant. They actually were stopping by Target on their way out of town, so it was GREAT to get to see her! Of course, I have my friendthat I met on the beach when we were ten. There are friends I have met through work, through church, through school, and yes through this here blog (I was going to link to that, but you are already here!)

I have friends from coast to coast, from north to south, from small towns to big cities. I have friends with families, and friends who are single or do not yet have children. I have a few friends who have had the basically "drama-free" life that I have been privileged to experience, and many who have endured the darkest times I hardly knew existed.

There are friends who came to me in ways I never could have imagined, and those who arrived when I needed them the most. Friends who make me laugh. Friends who put life in perspective. Friends who encourage. Friends who have so much faith in God even when life has given them so many reasons to stop trusting Him. Friends who let me be who I am and are okay with that. Friends who listen. Friends who always have words of wisdom. Friends of all shapes and sizes, from all economical, family, and religious backgrounds. Friends of all different ages. (For living a pretty "sheltered" life, I do have a rather diverse group of friends and I LOVE that!)

I have lived alone long enough and gone places alone more times than I can count. However, to say that I do not have jitters going into this weekend would be a lie (and, if you have read this blog long enough, you know that I not only have troubles keeping secrets, lying is definitely not something I even attempt because it would not be successful!) I don't remember my first day of kindergarten, but I imagine this is what it may have felt like. I am SO excited and know that there will be open arms and great people waiting for me in that airport, but my hands still shake as I think about this "plan" becoming a reality in a few short hours (probably should start packing since my ride is coming in six hours!)

I will close this post on friendship with the lyrics to a song I absolutely adore. I have listened to it SO many times and it still brings tears to my eyes (not ALL the time now, but SOMETIMES!) It is from the musical Wicked.

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Thank you for being my friend. I know that because of you, I have been changed for good...and am looking foward to MUCH more of that when I return from my vacation (one of these days I WILL have to return to work...ha ha!)

No Decision

I almost thought I was going to be late to court this morning, but I got there about five minutes before the hearing was to start...and then it was 30-40 minutes later when we were called back. There were some anxious moments during court when I thought maybe the judge was going to direct a question at me, but thankfully she did not. It was pretty "interesting", as this judge is known for being unpredictable, and sometimes a not nice "b" word. I was shocked at the December hearing that she didn't have harsher words for their mom to get her act together, but was told she likely didn't have as much information as she did today. She asked some tough questions, some of which had tough answers (it had to be challenging to answer truthfully, but also in favor of them going home...) In the end, since it wasn't cut and dry with one report recommending them go home immediately and two reports questioning that, the judge decided she wanted to read all the reports herself and not make any decision today. I really want what's best for the girls, so even though it is challenging to be on this roller coaster ride, I guess it is nice that she is going to take some time before deciding what is best. I had prepared myself (as best I could) for them to go home today and convince myself they would be "ok". So, this "no decision" is hard, even though I love having them here with me.

The teen took the news surprisingly well and has been her normal self all day long (it may have helped that I left for three hours). I'm not sure how long it will take for the court report to come back and it could very well say that the kids go home that day. In the meantime, we will keep on having fun and making memories :)

Last Night...or Not?!

Just over two weeks ago, I would have thought tonight would look different than it does. I have cried many tears and done LOTS of "talking it out" and "thinking it over". When I didn't cry at the family team meeting on Thursday, I thought that maybe it was going to be "ok". I was determined to make the most of the days we had left (cue the baseball game and spur-of-the-moment pop concert) and then came Friday when the "certainty" of them going home was no longer there (as well as being presented with an opportunity to not have an empty house for long...). So, I am once again left wondering what is going to happen at court tomorrow...and what will life be like after whatever decision is made. There will definitely be challenges if they DON'T go home, and other challenges if they do. If they don't go home tomorrow, then what will the "transition" look like and will the "unknown" be worse then them just spending their last night here tonight?!

I called the teen when I got off work. They had been to my house for less than 5 minutes. I told her I was stopping by my parents on the way home, but would be there soon. She said they were fine and that the little one did okay leaving her mom's house. I stayed longer than I thought, but got home about half an hour after my call. She was in her room with the music on and the little one was watching a movie. The teen had already given her a bath. Now, I don't think the teen has given her a bath since like August (except maybe once or twice when I had her baby-sit during an event or something). Then, she refused to respond to my knocking on the door even though I was at home nearly an hour before I tried. I know she needs space, but it was making me really sad that our "last night" was going to be like that. Eventually, she came out of her room and we spoke some words before she went back to her room. I made her CDs of the songs she listens to on my iPod. She requested a couple other songs that I had forgotten, so I made another one. I am grateful that our potential last night was not in silence. I had planned to write her a letter and really should have done that yesterday. I want her to know that I will always be here for her and will always love her, but think doing it in writing is more lasting. However, I'm really tired right now and don't think I can do it. Plus, it may be awkward to give it to her and then them not go home tomorrow...

Wait and see is all I can do right now...and get some rest so I don't have to wear sunglasses in the courtroom ;)

Good night.

Even More Confused

I was awakened at 1:30 this morning by the telephone ringing. I had no idea what time it was, so thought it was work telling me I was called off/on-call. I was surprised to hear an agency worker on the phone looking for a "couple day" placement for a "young man". I sleepily told her that I already had two placements and was "full" and she said they were just looking for ANY PLACE for this kid. I didn't ask how old or anything since I was scheduled to work today and tomorrow (plus, I technically am only licensed for two kids). I said sorry and went back to sleep.

I did get awakened again at 5:00 to be put "on-call". Our census is low and, unfortunately, many people, myself included, do not have PTO to cover these days of not working. Thankfully, the holiday will be on this pay check, so I won't have to use as much PTO. However, I took three days off during the next two weeks since I didn't know what was going to be happening in my life. Now, the bulk of those days off will be unpaid.

Anyway, since I was off, I had a lot of time to think. I decided to stay in bed until my body was ready to get up...that happened to be 11. I went to Mass at a different church because I didn't feel like running into anyone I knew. I'm usually one to talk, but I wasn't feeling it today. There is too much going on and I really need to sort things through in a "controlled" manner. I had a "leisurely" lunch before making a trip to the grocery store since our fridge was nearly empty. I picked up a little bit and paid some bills. I decided not to pack up the little one's things because it seemed like it would be more "traumatic" to have to unpack everything if they don't go home Tuesday than for me to have to quickly pack everything if they do.

My dad went to California with my grandma for my cousin's graduation. My grandma stayed, but my dad came home today. The neighbors were going to pick him up at the airport, but since I was home, I offered. I wanted to hear his "take" on this new placement idea and share the $hutterfly book I made for the little one anyway. When I had talked to my mom about getting a placement, she thought I should take a break. I was definitely leaning toward that. It seems like I would feel guilty filling their rooms so quickly. I know that no one can replace them, but it feels like lying when I say that I will always be here for them, that this will always be a safe place, but I am caring for other kids now. I am not sure what will happen when they go home and I'm not sure what I would do if they ended up back in care and my home was "full". I obviously couldn't put the new placement(s) out on the street, but it would be traumatic for them to have to go somewhere else. (See, I'm very confused, even though I have been thinking a lot!)

So, I was thinking that even if the girls go home on Tuesday, I would have to say that this placement sounds like a great fit, but this is not a great time. However, my dad was basically like "go for it!" He thinks it would be a different opportunity, but a good one (he also asked what my "boyfriend" thought...ha!)

Now, I am even more confused and have no clue what I will do. Of course, the decision will be make for me if the girls don't go home on Tuesday. I am feeling guilty about that too in that it will be my "fault" if they don't get to go home. The GAL got a great deal of her information from me to come to her conclusion to recommend against going home at this time. While I only told her the facts (I re-read my email today) and ultimately it is the judge's decision, I am still feeling some weight of that decision. I had resigned myself to the fact that they would be going home on Tuesday. They will be "ok" and they will be "safe". Of course, a lot of the rest of the situation makes me sad, but it is what it is and I know that we shared many happy moments together during this time.

As I was walking to my bed (over a few less papers than earlier today), I saw a bookmark we got from pastoral care for nurses' week. It reads "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love." ~Mother Teresa Perfect timing or what?! I guess time will tell...and I have a couple of nights to "sleep on it" too.

Good night.

Now What?

Thursday we had a family team meeting. The service coordinator is recommending the girls (and their brothers) go home after court. In an effort to make the most of our time left, Thursday and Friday were jam-packed full! Thursday night, we went to a baseball game. The little one didn't sit very still, but after an hour-and-a-half of working on her hot dog, she finished it so we could have cotton candy. The teen invited a friend and we all had a good time.

Yesterday morning, we went and got pictures taken. My friend knows a photographer who also used to be a foster mom and a family support worker. So, she just charged me her sitting fee and will give me the disk. She took photos of the little one alone, the teen alone, the two of them together, and a couple of the three of us. I can't wait to see them. The teen is gorgeous and I especially can't wait to see hers! She was not warned she would be photographed, but she looked nice and was a trooper :)

We waited until after pictures to tell the little one about the concert. I video taped it and it was pretty funny, although she wasn't as excited as we thought she would be. Maybe she didn't quite get it because she did when we were there. We were WAY up high in the "nose bleed" section, but we could hear and see things pretty well. Plus, for less than $50 for three tickets, it was totally worth it :) The teen didn't really show her excitement, but she did take video and pictures, so I know she enjoyed herself and liked being able to experience it with her little sister (what kid gets to go to her first concert at 3 1/2?!) We had binoculars, but only used them a little bit. We didn't get back to my house until 11:30 PM, so it was a REALLY late night for the little one, and made for an extra early 5:30 AM alarm for me!

I found these pictures on my camera when I went to load the other ones. The teen must have taken them this morning before they left for their visit. I think the little one is folding a towel or something...

Okay, enough pictures...now to get to the title of this post ;)

Yesterday afternoon, my agency worker and the GAL came to my house. They were here to talk to me and to the girls. The worker arrived before the GAL and talked to me one-on-one about my plans for when the girls go home. She knows that I mentioned "taking a break". However, there is a 17-year-old with a 4-month-old who needs moved from her temporary placement and she was wondering about my interest in that. She told me to think about it over the weekend and get back to her. Having a teen and her baby is something that I have actually thought about. I think it would be a huge opportunity to impact both of their lives. Even with all of the struggles I have had this past year with "the system", KNOWING how much of an impact I have made in these girls' lives is such a blessing. But, I am if I may need "grieving time" and also a "mental break" before I could fully "be present" to this girl and her baby. I'm sure she is not quite like the teen who lives here currently. Helping her learn to be a good parent if she already thinks she knows what she is doing would be a huge challenge (especially since I've never parented a baby either!) It's a challenge that I think in the "right time" I would absolutely love to take on. But, is now the right time?!

Lots to think about...and I definitely did not see that coming!

The GAL is new and had never met me or the girls. Since the little one was sleeping and I thought the teen was resting, the three of us started talking. I had sent a report to the GAL, but kind of gave her an update on the family team meeting and how the girls were doing. I was surprised to find out that she was NOT going to recommend them go home on Tuesday. We (quietly) talked about this and that, but when I went to to get the teen to come talk to them, she refused. She was obviously upset, but would not come meet the GAL or anything. She mentioned something about us already doing enough talking or something like that. I'm not sure she could have heard anything, but likely assumed we were talking negatively, even though we really weren't. I had resigned myself to the fact that they were going home on Tuesday and I just needed to hope and pray that the teen can stand up for herself and that their mom agrees to getting help/support for herself and her family beyond money. I have heard that the judge is really unpredictable, so I have no idea how much weight the GAL recommendation versus the service coordinator's will come into play. I actually feel somewhat guilty that a lot of the information the GAL has came from me. I really wasn't trying to sabotage reunification, but I did state the facts--she does not take an active interest in  having any sort of contact with her daughters. She (almost) never calls them and it's almost like she is "supposed" to have visits instead of "wanting" them...if that makes sense. This month was a lot better, but initiating visits isn't something she did very often. If visits were missed, she never asked for time to get made up. The whole "bed thing" is annoying, but par for the course with her. Still, not a safety issue as I've been told for months.

So, will they or will they not go home on Tuesday? If they do not, then how angry will the teen be and what am I going to do with her for the summer? If they do, then do I immediately fill my house with another teen and her baby? When I mentioned the placement to my mom, she pretty much told me that everyone needs a break. So, maybe I already have my answer, but I do have a little more time to think. Plus, it's "off the table" if I still have these girls. I also thought I would like to keep my rooms open in case their mom really can't handle things...and it kind of seems "wrong" to in a sense "move on" so quickly.

Lots to think about and work is really crappy right now. Our census is low, so people are getting forced off and many of us do not have any PTO. On top of it, for "budget reasons", our manager is staffing to a minimum. Today was pretty bad and a lot of it would have been avoided if she hadn't taken away our nursing assistant for the day. All of us ran around like chickens with our heads cut off doing our best to care for these sick children and their families. It was not much fun, that's for sure. I would say that I would love to stay home tomorrow, but I took time off during the next two weeks that is already going to be partially unpaid (possibly completely unpaid if I get called off during the next week).

I had cool ranch doritos, rice, and a beer for dinner and am about to head to bed. I welcome any advice/suggestions/comments...wondering what I'm supposed to do now!

Good night.

What Makes Me Sad

This afternoon, we had a "family team meeting", even though the plan is for the girls to go home on Tuesday. We haven't had one since January and none of the ones I attended were very productive. So, I guess we "had" to have one since it had been so long and I guess "touch base" before court. In attendance was myself, the service coordinator, both agency workers (the one for the girls and the one for the boys), and their mom.

I was determined not to cry...and I did not. Her new place is nice, which is good. It is government housing and they gave her a four-bedroom place so there was room for everyone to come home. She has been there a month and hasn't gotten a single bed for any of her five children who are to be coming home in five days. I offered her a full-size bed in January, but she has to arrange someone to come get it at a time that works for me. Today, she told me she needs a kitchen table if I know anyone who wants to give her one. She asked the service coordinator to find her beds...bunk beds if possible.

She didn't want to have the girls come tomorrow and stay until Monday because she is "low on groceries", but they are to go from Saturday to Monday. She more or less said that as soon as her kids get back then she can get her welfare back...and that is that. She is not planning to find work. When asked what she would do if she didn't get her welfare checks, she said that won't happen, so she didn't need to plan for that. She mentioned something about a "benefit dinner" to help pay for the teen's school (are you for real?!) but did say that it is important for her to continue attending that school (good to hear, but not for sure I believe in her ability to follow through with something that requires a bit of sacrifice and effort).

So, the girls will be going back to living on government assistance with a parent who has no desire to live any other way. They have spent 18 months in a stable environment getting ALL of their needs met--physical, social, mental, emotional, educational, etc.--and are about to go back to something that is anything but stable. The little one has a basic schedule with consistent rules and discipline. She definitely knows how to manipulate, but it doesn't really work here. She's the "baby", so I can see the "tantrums" and "outbursts" becoming more frequent and being dealt with in the easiest way possible which is giving in to her requests (eg. crying for candy, crying because she wants you to put her sweater on her, crying because she wants to watch a movie...)

I know they are "lucky" to have been able to experience life outside of poverty and see that you get to do fun things if you work hard. They have been given amazing role models (if I do say so myself ;) ) and have seen another way of living. I realize that this alone could "break the cycle", but knowing that they are seen as much for being a "pay check" as they are for being "flesh and blood" is heartbreaking.

Tonight we went to a baseball game. Tomorrow, the little one is getting her pictures taken (and maybe the teen/me too). Tomorrow night, we are going to a concert. The little one doesn't know yet and the teen is going to record her reaction. I found three tickets in the "nosebleed" section for less than $50 when the original price for one was almost $70. The teen didn't show her excitement as much as I thought she would, but I know she is excited and is looking forward to sharing this experience with her sister. I can't believe I'm bringing a 3 1/2 year old to a concert...what can I say, these girls are spoiled (just like I was when I was a kid, right?! ;) ) and totally worth it!

Long and busy day tomorrow.
Good night.

One Week

I am having a hard time believing that one week from today (if things go they way I have been told they will go), my house will be quieter than it has been for nearly a year. No more teenager singing nearly 24/7 and giving me random facts like volcanos erupting in Iceland. No more constant chatter of a little one who tells random stories from months ago. No more TV and popcorn nights with the teen after the little one's in bed. No more snuggling on the couch with the little one when we weren't ready to get up for the day.

This "season" is coming to an end. Sure, I've been "preparing" for this time for nearly 12 months knowing it would happen some day. I definitely knew it was going to be hard. I know that I am "lucky" that our 12 months together has been so great...and that there are worse conditions they could be returning home to.

I don't have any regrets. I know that I gave it my all and showed these girls the love they deserve. All of us are better because of this time. It is really hard to see that their mom has not appeared to have changed at all. My heart hurts knowing what they are going home to, but then I am reminded that I am not here to "judge", she is still their mom, and she does love them.

They are still here, though, and it sounds like there will be recommendations for their mom to use me as a "resource" person or something along those lines. So, I don't think it will be "good-bye" forever, but it is still going to be different...and tough. We definitely have more memories to make in the time we have left with this "arrangement".

The teen and I have enjoyed a number of thunderstorms together during the past 12 months. One of the first things we did last summer was play in the rain (while the little one watched from the door in her bathing suit). Saturday night, we had another storm, but it didn't rain as much as we thought it was going to. She watched the lighting for an hour (nice little study break...ha!) and pointed out different things she saw in the clouds...she is so silly! As much as I love the little one, I have cherished the time when it was just the two of us. I am blessed that she enjoys spending time with me and sharing her accomplishments (last night, she messaged me to let me know she got a B on her Algebra final...awesome!) I am so proud of her and hope she is able to stay focused on her current goals and continue to strive for them. I also hope that she knows I will ALWAYS be here for her, no matter what. I am planning to write her a letter, but have not done that yet.

Last night, we had our "final" family dinner at my mom and dad's. The teen picked hamburgers for the menu. After dinner, my mom filled the pool for the little one and my nephew. It was actually quite chilly, but I kept my feet in it and you got used to it after a while. They had fun playing together. She has lots of memories of being with him and my sister since she watched her while I worked for the first 10 months. Little ones are so much fun and it has been great watching her grow and change. She talks non-stop and has the memory of an elephant (I'm excited about that ;) ). She says random silly things (this morning during breakfast, she asked who my cousin's prince was and excitedly answered her own question...guess you had to be there 'who's your cousin's prince?!...he is!', but it was super cute and funny ;) ) I put together a $hutterfly book for her with TONS of pictures of our "adventures" together (I had over 800 to choose from!) The front cover just has pictures of her and the back cover just has pictures of the two of us where I wrote "Years will pass, but no matter where life leads us, on these pages we will always be together. I love you "L", now and forever."

What a year it's been...only one more week.

Four Years of Blogging

Four years ago, on May 22, 2007, I started this blog and wrote my first post. I summed up 2007 with an "end of the year" summary post. I wrote a lot about work and made some new friends. I gained a brother-in-law and made plans to start taking foster parent classes (I did them in April 2008)

Three years ago, on May 22, 2008, I wrote this post. I am happy to report that I lost those 12 pounds during this past year, although I'm not sure how I'm going to go about keeping them off ;) I celebrated my 10-year class reunion and took a trip to celebrate turning 29. Later that year, I found out I would become an aunt in 2009.

Two years ago, on May 22, 2009, I actually wrote two posts. The first one was a reminder about how life can change in an instant and then I wrote about being in Tennessee to celebrate my cousin's graduation. I was preparing to meet Ginger for the first time (yes, two vacations in one month!) She was my first (and currently only!) "blog friend" that I have met in person. I like this "friend post" that I wrote in between trips. I'll even link to the post where I talk about my mom's reaction to me meeting a "blog friend". And, of course I had to watch this slide show again :) In June, I became an aunt and in January 2010 I got my foster parent license.

Last year, on May 22, 2010, I was nearing 800 posts. I was preparing for my trip to Pittsburgh to visit Ginger and meet her family. I had gotten a couple of calls about foster kids, but had to sort of keep myself off the list for a bit since I had trips in April and in May. On the day I returned from my trip, I had two calls about some girls who needed a new foster home (and a call about a boy that I ended up turning down). The following day, I met the girls, and they spent their first night with me on June 5, 2010.

Today, on May 22, 2011, I am preparing to send those girls back home to their mom. What a year it has been! I definitely didn't know a year ago what was in store for me (I suppose that is nothing different than the previous years...gaining a brother-in-law, getting a nephew, meeting a "blog friend"...) We have made memories upon memories and I know our lives will never be the same. It has been an amazing blessing to have had the opportunity to share life with them. All of us have grown and changed so much during this year. I made a photo book for the little one and on the back page it says "Years will pass, but no matter where life leads us, on these pages we will always be together."

I have no idea where the next year will take me, but I am thankful for an amazing family and terrific friends who will be with me during the good times and those that aren't so good.

Thanks for being here. Happy Blogoversary to me :)

Skipping School

Yesterday, I didn't send the little one to day care so we could meet my friend and her daughter at the Children's Museum. The girls play together really well and we have had "play dates" a number of times. I thought it was a good idea to get them together one more time before the little one goes back home. My friend adopted both of her kids through the same foster care agency I use and also has been a family support worker. So, she has been a great support for me this past year (we actually met when she was the family support worker on a case where they needed a nurse at the supervised visits) and I'm grateful for her friendship. After we played, we went to a restaurant to have "breakfast for lunch". My friend also has a friend who is a photographer who used to be a foster parent, so she is going to take pictures of the little one next Friday and is giving me a GREAT deal. It was a fun day. (The day before that, I spent a great deal of time on the phone and sending emails about the girls trying to arrange this and that and get things figured out...there are some things that I will not miss!)

Apparently, the service coordinator decided that since the girls are most likely going home on the 31st, they ought to spend more than every other weekend at their mom's. Unfortunately, there wasn't a whole lot of notice given to this plan and the teen had finals yesterday, today, and three days next week. She has been working REALLY hard and has a study "routine" here. While I understood the service coordinator's point that she needs to learn to study at her mom's house and have that conversation with her mom, I don't think that the weekend before finals was a fair time to "test" that. The teen actually decided to skip the entire weekend visit even though the little one would still be going. The service coordinator kind of twisted my email in a way that worked to where she volunteered me to bring the little one to her mom tomorrow without directly asking me. It's irritating, but things worked out and I did bring the little one to her mom's tonight (she cried for her mom at bedtime last night which she has only done once or twice before and I told her she was going to see her mom today, so I had to make it work). The teen actually didn't come with me to drop off her sister which I didn't expect. I also expected she would change her mind about skipping the visit after talking to her mom (I'm pretty sure her mom is good at guilt trips). I'm really proud of her for doing what she needs to do for herself and hope she is able to continue doing that.

I can hardly believe their time here is coming to an end. Stephanie left me a comment that used the word "arrangement" that I really liked. While this "arrangement" will be over, I am hopeful that it will end up becoming another positive "arrangement" that actually could be less stressful than the current one. When I spoke to the GAL on Wednesday (a new one, by the way...nice, right?!), she talked to me about being a resource for their mom and continuing to have a relationship with the girls. I think as long as I have some established boundaries/guidelines (even unspoken ones), it will work. I love these girls too much to say so long, farewell, good bye and good luck. I'm sure I will always worry about them and my house is going to be REALLY quiet for a while, but at least I know they will be "safe" (at least that's what the service coordinator keeps reminding me...they have to go home because there is no safety risk there).

I didn't cry today. Maybe I didn't cry because I was so irritated with the communication/transportation issue and the realization that I won't have to deal with that stuff when they no longer live here.

The teen and I had dinner just the two of us and she talked almost the whole time. She has been talking to me a lot these days. She has grown so much and I am proud of myself for helping her see what a great kid she is. She is so much more confident in herself and her abilities. It has been awesome to watch that transformation :)

I'm sure there will be more to come on this...we will be making more memories and I'll have more "talking it out" to do :)

For now, good night :)

Two Weeks

I talked to the service coordinator yesterday (while I was at work). She told me to expect nothing different than for the judge to say the girls can go home when the hearing is over. The hearing is May 31, which is two weeks from today.

I managed to hold in the tears during work, but once I got home, I didn't last very long. The little one had put herself to bed 10 minutes before I got home which was cute and made life easier for me, but it was one less time I had the opportunity to put her to bed. So, I cried, and I "tweeted" (while the teen was in her room studying for finals and listening to JJ Heller's "What Love Really Means"...her new favorite song...I'll post it at the end). My "twitter friends" offered their prayers and reminded me that "the impact you've made on their lives is immeasurable" and "tears just mean there is love there".

I did more crying and "talking it out" today with my friends at Curves, with my family, and pretty much anyone else willing to listen ;) I know that I have made a difference in their lives (and they in mine). I know that they are "the lucky ones" who were given an opportunity to live in a "functioning" family out of poverty with unconditional love for 18 months. I also don't think that our "good-bye" will be "forever", (I just had to take a break to watch a video/slide the teen made of the baseball game we went to last month...I managed to get through it without crying) but I'm certain there will be plenty of tears in the coming weeks. 

Yes, I'm fortunate to know that they will be "safe". I know they will have food and a roof over their head. I realize there are foster parents who send their foster kids back to much worse. Yes, there are some things about this that I won't miss, but MANY things that I will. I'm still worried about what is going to happen to them when they go back to a life that is so much different than the one they have lived for nearly a year in my home. I'm working on a $hutterfly book for the little one and had over 800 pictures to choose from. Now THAT is a lot of memories! :) It has been harder to make than I thought, but it is going to be very special when it is done. That means that both girls will have books to bring with them and both of them have canvases for their rooms. They also have "a bazillion" memories and life experiences and have been given amazing role models (if I do say so myself...I have awesome friends and family!)

I think I will end this post for now, but will try and "blog" a little more frequently during the next two weeks as I continue to process what this means for all of us. Your prayers are appreciated for all of us. I'm thinking a lot about their mom and how she has no clue how much different her kids are after spending 18 months out of her care, and pray that she will take all the help she can get/use the resources offered to her. I'm planning to pack as many memories into these next two weeks as I can. My gut is telling me that I really only have about nine days left with them since they likely will spend Memorial Day weekend with her and since court is the next day, I'm thinking they will just stay.

Here are some pictures of the little one from our trip downtown and from my softball game tonight as well as a link to the teen's current favorite song. Her therapist was going to have her talk about the song because we both believe there is a "reason" it is her current favorite...I've been telling her "I love you for you" ;) 

Good night.

Being a Nurse

This past week was National Nurses' Week. For a couple of years, I was on my hospital's Nurses' Week Committee, but felt a bit "out-of-the-loop" this year. My parents and my sister gave me Nurses' Week cards/gifts, which was really thoughtful. We did get a gift from the floor and got some "goodies". Today we had a pot lock.

In honor of Nurses' Week, I decided to take a break from my foster parent blogging (try to anyway!) and write about being a nurse.

I have been a nurse for nearly nine years. I can't believe I have been out of college for that long! I always knew I wanted to work with children, so have had no desire to do anything besides be a Pediatric nurse. I have been on my current unit for over 7 1/2 years. Being a pediatric nurse is not all fun and games as some would think. Before I had foster kids, most of my blog posts were about my work. My work was my life, and in some ways it still sort of is, although having kids living with me has obviously changed some things.

Probably 70% (that's a guess!) of our patients come to us from another State. These kids are very sick, so sick that their home hospital has done everything they can to no avail and we are the "last chance hope" for them. That makes for some rough days, especially since every parent deals with the situation differently. I feel like my job is to take care of them as much as their child. Thankfully, I feel like I am a person who understands differences and tries to put myself in their shoes before judging their behavior. Of course, it can get tiring, but there are enough good parents and success stories to make it all worth it. (I wish I wasn't so tired or I would put links up to some of my favorite stories, or some of the bittersweet/sad ones that put things into perspective for me and my role in the lives of these families.)

Just over two years ago I wrote about a young patient who had a brain tumor. He was pretty much fine one day had a seizure at school the next day, diagnosed with a brain tumor and his parents were told he would not live. When he transferred to my hospital, he could not speak and had no control over his body. As he improved, he began to smile and eventually give "thumbs ups". He took a liking to me and once he could speak, he called me his girlfriend (I think he was 9 or 10). A month or so later, he had his family get us matching rings and he asked me to be his wife. He got better and left the hospital. He went back to school. Then, the tumor came back and they said he wouldn't live. So, his family spent as much time together as they could and did so outside the hospital. I last saw him back in the fall when he was admitted for some big seizures, but didn't know that his condition had worsened. He passed away early this morning at home...over two years after doctors told his parents he would not even speak again. He will always be the first "boy" who proposed to me. His family will always have memories of the nurse who made their son a husband.

Being a nurse is challenging, but rewarding. Most days I enjoy going to work. More often than not, I leave knowing that I have made a difference.

Happy Nurses' Week :)
Good night.

Making Memories

The next court hearing is three weeks from today on May 31. It does not sound like that will be moved up as had previously been discussed. Even with my reports and the reports from my agency worker, it seems likely that they could return to their mother immediately. The service coordinator said yesterday (in an email that was forwarded to me) that there is "nothing to be discussed" because there is no safety threat.  While I understood that this was a possibility, it still came as quite a blow yesterday and my stomach is still churning today. I always knew the plan was for them to go home. I'm even starting to think about how I will "do life" without these two people living here, while hopeful that they will remain in my life in some capacity. The teen gets out of school on May 25, so I'm wondering if they will just go "home" after that and then the hearing is a "formality". I'm not sure what to think, or what the judge will do. She is still just taking them every other weekend overnight and then one day of the opposite weekend. That is the part that frustrates me, especially since she has no contact whatsoever with them on the days they aren't with her. I understand there are lazy and emotionally neglectful parents out there who don't lose their kids. So, in reality, these kids are the "lucky ones" to have gotten "out" for nearly 18 months. However, that doesn't make it any less sad for me, wondering how they will adjust back to a life with minimal attention after they have basically had "undivided" attention for this long.

But, I have no control over any of that. So, we will continue spending time together, making memories, taking pictures, and loving each other for as long as things remain this way.

Here are some "highlights" from the past couple of weeks:

I accidentally ran over a bunny home with my lawnmower and a bunch of bunnies ran out.

We found two of them, and the teen put them back in their hole.

The little one thought that was fun.

My family got together to celebrate my Maternal Grandmother's birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised that the teen decided to come with me and the little one.

My mom had this idea for us to hold up my grandma's high school picture when we sang.

She didn't realize it was her at first, then got a kick out of it. My grandpa did too.

The little one had fun with the cardboard cut-outs later (not so much during the singing part...

she wasn't the center of attention during that and she doesn't so much like that ;) ).

The little one was DEFINITELY jealous when I held my cousin's baby at a bridal shower on Saturday.

She immediately had a meltdown about the knee she had hurt the day before.

Her mom is in for a rude awakening because that girl CRAVES attention...

and most of the time she gets it ;)

My nephew and the little one played at my aunt and uncles.

My nephew misses having her around now that she started day care.

I think she misses him a little bit.

My nephew will be two next month (wow!) but he thinks he's a big kid

and kept up with her walking around and around that garden, chasing her around the yard.

I got a REALLY cute picture of the two of them sitting on the rocks...

too bad I can't post it here :(

Friday night, I had the teen watch the little one since "ice skating boy" invited me to a dinner for his work. I'm wondering what kind of "explaining" he had to do yesterday ;) I'm still not quite sure about this "dating thing" and it feels really weird that he likes me so much, but we had a fun time and it wasn't really "awkward", so that's good ;)

Saturday was the bridal shower for my cousin. The little one came with, but the teen stayed home...hopefully she was studying. She seems like she has started slacking off a little bit since it is getting harder, but maybe she is just trying to stay calm. The little one and I went to the last show of the season at the children's theater (our SEVENTH!) My friend and her daughter actually came with us and as "coincidence" would have it, "ice skating boy" brought his nephew to the same show. They sat a couple of rows ahead of us and I didn't invite him to ice cream with us, but I did kind of sort of talk to him (yes, it makes me wonder why he likes me because I'm not always very nice...I have issues).

Sunday, I "facilitated" a visit for the girls seeing as it was MOTHER'S DAY. Actually, apparently, she gets to "pick" a day of the weekend they don't spend the nights and I highly encouraged the service coordinator to "make" her pick Sunday. I was at work and got some "Happy Mother's Day" wishes, and a couple of "well, sort of Happy Mother's Day" which I tried not to be offended by, but did make me remember the time the girls' mom told me "you'll be a good mom some day"...ha!

Last night was "May Crowning" at the teen's school. It brought back fond memories for me even though when I went there it was held in a courtyard and now it's in the gym. Unfortunately, the little one had not taken a nap at day care, so she was not-so-much into listening and being quiet, so it wasn't quite as much fun. The teen refused to let me help her study for a quiz which this morning she said she was going to fail. It makes me sad that she wouldn't at least let me try to help her even after all of this time of showing her that I really AM here to help!

Tonight we are going to a baseball game. It is supposed to be in the 90s during the day, so hopefully it cools down by tonight! I really don't want to turn on my air this early, but I may have no choice!

Well, I suppose I should shower and get the little one up for day care. She has been waking up in the night coughing and then freaks out that she's going to throw up. I've been waking up multiple times a night which is not "normal" for me and has been making for some long days.

I guess the "countdown" is on and I'm hoping to fill these days with as many memories and fun experiences as I can...I can sleep after they go home, right?! ;)