Bummer

I'm really bummed out about a couple of things and I'm hoping if I "blog" about them, I will feel better/less bummed.

My brother-in-law gave me my laptop back today and said he was able to make it work again, but barely and to save all my files because he wasn't sure how long it would last. He said I need to buy a Mac the next time...I was hoping the "next time" wasn't coming so quickly. I got the laptop home tonight, turned it on, and nothing happened. So, even if it worked for him, it doesn't want to work for me...bummer! My net book works fine, but it is a little harder to work on and "M" is going to have homework to do that requires the computer and I still need my blogging/twitter/email time :)

The other "bummer" is different, but makes me even more sad than having to buy a new computer. However, it's something that I need to "get over" because there is nothing I can do about it. The little one and I went to a birthday party last night. We put on pretty dresses, I had gotten my hair done, did my make-up, did her hair, and let her put on sparkly lotion. We were dressed to party and both SO excited! She had a blast and I had fun watching her/chasing her. I did some visiting, but mostly tried to stay one step ahead of her so she didn't stick her hands in the cake, knock over any drinks, or do anything else she wasn't supposed to do (even though she is REALLY well-behaved, I had no clue what she was going to be like around other kids)! It was so much fun to be able to be at this party with my friend and her family, to celebrate this special life (keeping this vague on purpose, but if you've read my blog for a while, I'm sure you can read between the lines ;) )

As soon as I got home, I realized that I didn't get in any pictures besides the group one. I didn't get any cute pictures with me and little one, even though she did pose for a couple when I was standing RIGHT there. I didn't get a picture with the birthday girl. I still don't have any pictures of me and my friend together even though we have been friends for years. I just can't believe that I let this opportunity for some great pictures pass me by when there were at least two people taking photos throughout the party and I never took mine out once (and I carry my camera with me everywhere!). Honestly, my eyes fill with tears thinking about it and I'm hoping that by blogging it, I will be able to put the past behind me and realize that the memories are there even if the photos are not...

The teen and I started Jillian Michaels' 30.day.shred on Thursday, but skipped today since she hurt her ankle and I worked so wasn't motivated to do it alone...

Other than that, things are going well here, even with the "bummers". I have the next two days off and am looking forward to that. "M" starts school on the 19th and that will drastically change our routine!

Well, "M" is talking my ear off even though I am sitting here typing...ha!

Good night.

Two Months

I can hardly believe that two months ago I became a foster mom for the first time. Two months ago these two amazing girls came into my life and changed everything. We have been to the zoo and baseball games. We rode on a boat and watched fireworks. We danced in the rain and spotted rainbows. We have been to the park and to the movies. We read books and sing songs. We play cards and watch Days of Our Lives (that's "M" and me...ha!)

I am so grateful for this time and the blessings these girls have brought me. And, the "pit" I had in my stomach the other day about them not going home soon was pretty much confirmed today. I was talking to someone else on the case and asking how the transition home worked. From what she said, her "guess" is that the girls will be with me for 3-6 more months. Wow! I definitely didn't see that coming even though I thought 3 weeks was unrealistic. Anything can happen, though, and I still won't know for a few weeks, but it is nice to have an "idea" of what to expect (apparently in "State talk", hearing the words "we are trying to get you home" for the past two months doesn't really mean much...)

So, it looks like our time together and memories created will continue for a while. Of course, things will be hectic once I'm the (working) mother of a high school sophomore! I guess like every other family, we are counting down the days until school starts...she starts in TWO WEEKS!! (One nice thing about her going back to school will be the little one's 3-hour nap on my days off when I can maybe get on facebook and read blogs!)

That post took me forever to write, but at least I wrote a blog post :)
Good night.

A Pit

I'm thankful that I have time to "blog" today because I'm feeling rather emotional today.

Work has picked back up, but now it is SUPER busy...no happy medium for us! We have been full and having to work short-staffed and/or have people work extra shifts. It really is crazy how that happens. Having kids makes it a bit of a challenge to pick up extra shifts! I was, however, able to split a shift with someone on Sunday so I didn't have to get someone to watch the girls and still get extra hours. I was so busy yesterday (I had patients on the complete opposite sides of the unit which people don't usually do and after three days of that, my body was just tired!) and didn't get home until late. On the bright side of that, my pay check this Friday will be nice AND the older one had started dinner by the time I got home :)

The little one and I ran errands this morning. We went to the hospital to drop some things off to my A-team girl's mom. A is really sick and it's very sad to see her mom/my friend hurting like this. I suppose that is part of what goes on when you work with chronically sick kids, but even nearly seven years into this, it doesn't get any easier.

I also talked to the caseworker this morning and have a feeling the girls aren't going to be going back with their family this month. I guess my naive, glass half-full self was under the impression that things were better and preparing myself to say good-bye. However, their mom hasn't called in a week and has been out-of-town for two. I know she is with her family who needs her too which may be her "saving grace" and I'm trying to stay positive for the girls' sake, but I have this pit in my stomach. I cried at an appointment today (not my counselor or spiritual director...caught THAT woman by surprise...ha!) because I'm really sad for them. I suppose I should have known all this going into the foster care system, but I guess I didn't prepare myself as well as I thought. I guess maybe I tried to prepare myself to let kids go back to a place that wasn't 100% perfect, but not really for the disappointment that comes when they DON'T go back when you think they will. Of course, I'm not saying they NEED to go because I LOVE having them here, but it does make me sad their mom is missing out on being with her AMAZING girls.

While I was crying at my appointment, the older one was cleaning my house. She cleans ALL the time! Apparently it provides some kind of therapy for her (I'd much rather blog, read blogs, or sleep!) which is good for me :) I have a room that is a disaster (a pit, actually...ha!) that is supposed to be an office/scrapbooking room but has never been used for that. When I came home, she had not only made it so you could WALK in there, she also vacuumed and organized all of my scrapbooking supplies. I couldn't believe she did that for me...and, had I not used up my tears at my appointment, I probably would have cried on the spot at her thoughtfulness. Of course, if it becomes a usable room, she can do her homework there! There are a lot of things in there that she can't take care of, so I'll have to spend some time during the next couple of days/weeks to help her.

Well, I have a double-header softball game, so I'd better get a couple of things done before that...including eat dinner. My going back to work has definitely put a damper on our healthy eating and the older one had to resort to Chef Boyardee for lunch since I haven't cooked in a while!

Until the next time...

Something Beautiful

I "borrowed" this title from the song that is now on repeat whenever "M" is using my computer. It used to be that she sang Taylor Swift's "Crazier" a dozen plus times a day and at some point she changed to Needtobreathe's "Something Beautiful". I think I like this a lot better ;) Not that I don't like Taylor Swift, but it did get old after a while! Maybe this song will too, but it hasn't yet :)

After my chilling on the couch during their visit the other day, things got busy again. However, I felt much more able to tackle this week after that respite! It proved to be a tough one, so I'm very thankful I did get that break.

On Tuesday, I had a meeting at the high school where "M" goes to school. It is the same private school I attended. Their first foster parents arranged for her to attend there the spring semester. I was told by "M" that SHE got a scholarship and reminded her earlier in the summer that she did owe the previous foster parents something for giving her the opportunity. I didn't know how it all was working, but after my meeting on Tuesday, it really is "something beautiful". As much as "M" would like to believe she got a full scholarship, and the foster parents "inferred" to the State that she did as well, she did not. Yes, she got financial assistance, but the former foster parents were, and ARE CONTINUING TO, cover what the scholarship and work study does not...wow! I was blown away by their generosity and commitment to making sure she is given this opportunity. The foster mom asked for it to "remain between us", but of course I told my parents and my sister because I had a done a little bit of "whining" about the fact that they received a check from the State for June even though I had the girls almost the entire month (and still have only been given money for nine days that has all gone to paying my sister for watching them). I also thought it was important for M to know how much this couple cares about her. So, without going into detail, I told her that they were helping me cover the expenses that her scholarship didn't cover (like books, etc.) She got really defensive and didn't really talk to me the rest of the day. I do not regret saying something to her, though, because she carries a great deal of resentment/negativity toward them and she needed to know this.

After weeks of being over-staffed with little-to-nearly-no patients, my floor, and the PICU, are completely full and we have found ourselves under-staffed. Our acuity is high, too, so I ran my butt off the past two days and work again tomorrow and part of Sunday! My body had forgotten how to work that hard and my back and legs were not that happy with me today! However, I'm SO happy that next week I'll get a full pay check (and maybe a little extra!) Having a full census means LOTS of sick kids, though, and that is the sad part. My A girl is super sick and I'm super sad for her family. I haven't had a chance to go see her as often as I would like now that I have kids to take care of, but they do have my prayers and those are appreciated too.

Yesterday was the girls' mom's birthday. She remains 700+ miles away and they haven't seen her for nearly two weeks. I let them call her a couple of times this week and really hyped up her birthday. I made a little picture collage for them to give her and said we would make cupcakes. I got them, especially the little one, all excited to call and sing happy birthday to her last night when we got home. How disappointing it was to find out that the phone number they had used earlier in the week did not work. The little one got over it fairly quickly, but the older one hasn't talked to me nearly as much as she usually does. She looked pretty upset to me, but refused to admit there was anything wrong (although she DID tell me that only "maybe" would she tell me if she wasn't "ok").

In my "glass-half-full" mind, I'm trying to understand how torn the mom must be to be with her family states away and here with her kids. However, she IS planning to get them back and I would think that you wouldn't want to give the judge any reason to say you aren't ready. I have been preparing myself to let them go back to her at the end of August, but suppose I also need to prepare myself for the fact that that just might not happen. I'm fortunate that for my first placement it doesn't seem like they would be going back to a horrible place because I'm sure that isn't the case in many (hopefully not most!) situations. Of course, she won't win mom of the year this year, but she does have some nice girls.

The other night, I was thinking about all the little things that "L" and I do that are just "ours". "M" isn't around and we have our own routines, things that only we know that we do and say. It is super special for me to have that with her (little things like brushing our teeth together, how I tell her "one more song and then you need to let the water out", what she means when she talks about "doing this/that like Lady Gaga", and asks to "be a ballerina") and I'm not taking it for granted. However, a wave of emotion swept over me that her mom really is missing out on all of this. At the end of each day, I ask her to tell me about the fun that she had that day. She has gotten quite wordy and likes to drag it out for a long time so she doesn't have to go to sleep, but she says the sweetest things. She says she loves my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother-in-law, my nephew, me, her sister...and now that I type this, I realize she doesn't talk about her brothers and her mom only comes up every once in a while...that is sad!

So, lots of ups and downs, happys and sads, in the life of a pediatric nurse AND the life of a foster mom...I'm blessed enough to be both.

Prayers for ALL of "my" kids appreciated :)

What's Been Going On

I actually worked all of my shifts on my floor last week. Two of my last three pay checks have been horrible and I'm thankful that my mortgage company remembered me making a payment that I don't remember because I'm not sure I could have managed paying in July. There actually are now extra shifts posted and I received a call today to see if I could come in to help. It is much harder to do that now that I need to arrange day care, but I found someone to split an extra shift for me on Sunday to where I'll be at work when the girls are sleeping or at their visit.

The girls are gone visiting their brothers right now. This is the first time that I haven't scheduled an appointment or have a million errands to run while they are gone. Sure, there are things I could/should do, but I'm just going to sit here in the peace and quiet (well, watching TV and on the computer!) and enjoy it. Things have been crazy and stressful and I have REALLY missed blogging for many reasons. Of course, it probably is good that I've "cut back" but this has become such a great outlet for me that I need to make time to get online every once in a while for my own sanity :)

I know that being a mom adds extra craziness to your life, but I don't think it typically involves THIS many phone calls! Seriously, I'm on the phone so much that the little one referred to me by my first AND last name the other day! Whether it's the caseworker, the person from DHHS, or people from the visitation agency, I am constantly making phone calls. Unfortunately, it seems that I'm the one with the communication skills and the visitation people are the worst with this. Last week, the girls' mom left the state to visit sick family members. The caseworker and people from the state knew, but no one decided to tell us or the visitation workers so the girls went and turned around and came right back (there went my "peace" that night!) Yesterday, my mom sat with them for an hour and a half waiting for the worker to pick them up (the fourth different worker in that many visits, mind you). No one came and my mom was upset to tears for them (and also because it completely messed up the schedules of her, my dad, and my sister). Apparently the visit was canceled and they "forgot" to call us...seriously, this is 2010 and almost EVERYONE has a cell phone!

The caseworker came today. She didn't want to "predict" about what is going to happen at court next month, but maybe I was being too "glass full" in thinking that the girls will be back with their mom shortly after that. We are now working on my work schedule for October and it is SO weird to be doing that when I have no clue if I will have the girls and if I do, what their visitation schedule will look like!

As much as the girls want to go home, they are definitely having fun here. My dad is so crazy and the rest of my family is super fun too (apparently even my brother-in-law got into the goofiness yesterday while I was at work!) Just a couple of examples for effect--my dad made corn on the cob with dinner while I was at work. Apparently they ate it all and my dad decided he could just make corn from a can for me and my sister said they could just put the holders in the bowl for me...nice! Later, my dad was being extra silly getting the little one all wound up and went a little too far so my mom told him to go to time out. So, he got a chair, brought it to the living room, sat in it, and pouted. She is still talking about my dad getting into trouble!

The older one laughs and smiles ALL the time...and also talks to me (and to everyone in my family) ALL the time. She is really comfortable with us and we are also giving her the extra TLC that she needs. She is a joy and SO very helpful! I thought we were going to have an "issue" on Saturday night since she wanted to stay out later than I would allow (yes, I actually said "no"!) However, she decided not to give me any attitude and never really questioned my decision...seriously, what 15-year-old girl does that?! I'm so blessed! (I DID prepare myself for how I was going to handle "attitude"...ha!)

When I put the little one to bed, I started asking her to tell me about all the fun stuff she did during the day. Of course, she now talks and talks and talks so she doesn't have to go to sleep, but I still think it was a good idea. Last night, she told me about playing blocks with my nephew, blowing bubbles with my family, the different things she ate, and about my dad getting into trouble. As she went over her list, she was grinning from ear to ear so when I told her to close her eyes she had a smile on her face. Even though it does make for a drawn-out bedtime, I think it is important to have her go to bed happy.

My family is doing amazing with these girls. I had no idea what my mom would be like and she is doing everything she possibly can to help. My sister isn't just "watching" them on the days I'm at work, she is really taking care of them and doing a great job. (My sister has really grown and changed a lot...when my grandpa was rushed to the hospital the other week, she had her husband come home from work to take care of the baby and she spent over 3 hours with my grandparents...amazing!) Of course, it helps that the girls are really sweet and don't have behavior issues, but still, it is so wonderful.

Well, that should be a long enough post. I probably should eat dinner before the girls come back (or make something for ALL of us to have for dinner!)

Hopefully I'll be back for more blogging later this week :)
Good night.

Non-Stop

Being a mom is tons of fun, but things really are non-stop. I know that I have more "alone time" than most moms, but it is definitely a huge change for me (and, power to the stay-at-home moms...I'm definitely not cut out for that!) Even the older one who appears to be quiet and shy has been talking to me non-stop (or looking at me to play Skip-Bo with her) so my blog time and facebook time and email time has REALLY been cut down. Even now, as I try and type she is telling me all sorts of stories. I know I need to listen, it is important to pay attention to her because that's what moms do, BUT the little one talks non-stop the whole time she is awake (thank goodness she takes three-hour naps...ha!) I love "my" girls and definitely appreciate the fact that they CAN talk to me and express their needs (and wants!) without crying (or whining) and they can feed themselves, don't wear diapers and sleep through the night! So, I guess this is just a post to say that I'm alive, doing fine, but the non-stop chatter and hanging out with the girls leaves me very little time to blog. It does kind of stink a bit because this is where I get all my craziness out and sort through my "issues". Their mom went out of town so their visits this week were canceled...visits are pretty much the only time I'm here by myself.

To be clear, this is not a whining post...the little one is adorable and actually is really good for her age (as in, USUALLY her ears listen which is awesome!) and the older one is a HUGE help--she does pretty much all of the dishes and cleaning and tonight even made us chocolate covered strawberries and cherries :)

Well, the little one apparently is in her bed but not asleep, so I ought to have a little chat with her. The older one keeps telling me stories and I'm only half-way paying attention, so should say good-night to my blog...I miss you :)

Good night.

Kids Kids Kids

I only have a moment to "blog" before my nearly nightly game of "Skip-Bo". This weekend was the annual transplant reunion. I didn't take very many pictures, but got some with a couple of my "faves". If you've been reading this blog for a while, you remember me talking about "the baby" who is now the big boy in the middle picture on the right. He was THE sickest baby and to see him running around and playing is just amazing!

I brought the girls to church on Saturday and we all wore dresses which was fun :) The little one wanted her picture taken and I got some cute ones, and ones of her with her sister and some fun ones with me. But, there was only one (or maybe two) that she wasn't looking at the camera (this one may even be "pushing it"). The ones of the two girls are really nice, but I won't be able to post those ones. My family took a day trip to celebrate my mom's dad's 85th birthday and took a train ride. My nephew loved it, even though it was really hot!

People (friends, family, co-workers...) have been asking how things are going with the girls. So, I go on and on about "my" girls like a proud mama and it is great (I feel kind of bad sometimes about going on and on, but that's what moms do, right?!) I really do love these girls and I am so blessed that they are my first experience being a foster mom. "Everyone" seems to think that my approach with the older one is very appropriate and things are much better because of it. She cracks me up because she is really quiet around other people, but at home she laughs and smiles and makes fun of me ALL the time! Skip-Bo is our "thing" and so is teasing each other (I always complain when I have to do the dishes...ha!)

Well, I actually got to work today (yay!!) so am pretty tired (I actually signed up for an extra shift which is going to be crazy, but a blessing too!)

Good night.

Still Tough

I was driving to meet with my spiritual director and had this whole blog post in my head. However, I cannot seem to remember what I wanted to write. My meeting with her came at the perfect time because I'm still struggling even though I saw that rainbow and am trusting Him and His plan...and I took a nap today :)

While I was at the funeral of my choir director's husband, my sister left me a message. My grandpa had been taken to the hospital by ambulance and had gotten an emergency pacemaker. He had gotten better at my hospital and left last week for rehab. This morning, he went to his doctor and things didn't look that great. Unfortunately, he was brought to the nearest hospital and not the one where I work. My sister went to be with my grandma and ended up spending three+ hours there with her helping. I'm really proud of her and that isn't something I would have ever expected her to do. She called her husband to come watch her nephew and she went...wow! Apparently, my sister was less-than-impressed with the people and care there which is unfortunate. So, hopefully he won't be there long. I was only able to visit for a short time this afternoon since the girls were at a visit and the older one didn't have a key to get in if they beat me home. He didn't really look very well to me and had been hallucinating since the surgery, and speaking "randomly". Likely just effects from the anesthesia, but still not very much fun. My grandma seems to be holding up well.

I signed up to work a shift on the adult transplant unit, so hopefully I will get to work at least three shifts next week.

Tomorrow is our annual transplant reunion. I always love seeing our transplant patients who are out there living life rather than just seeing the ones in the hospital who are sick. Sunday, we are taking a family day trip to celebrate my other grandpa's 85th birthday. The girls can't come with us, but it will be a fun time with the rest of my extended family.

I'm feeling a bit "off" and am hoping this all wears off soon because it isn't much fun. Thankfully, the little one was back to being her sweet little self today with good hearing. :)

I'd better head to bed.
Good night.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

I needed this tonight.
Things are looking up.
I put my trust in Him.
Thanks for your prayers.

Struggling

I haven't had time to blog these days, but since I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, I figured I should make time (before the little one gets up and wonders why I'm crying).

I'm super sad for Sara who lost her dad suddenly last Friday and had to watch his funeral from her living room since she can't leave the house. (Information here on how you can make a card that will be sent with other cards.) She wrote a tribute to her dad in this post. I've never met Sara, but as one of her friends wrote about her, "Sara just reminds me of Jesus." It's true, her faith, her courage, her inspiration...she is amazing and I'm just really sad for her.

The husband of my choir director passed away the night before last. Services are tomorrow night and Friday, but I'm not sure I will be able to go. I'm going to try, but things really are more complicated these days. I've known this woman for SO long and showing support by attending services is something that I've "always" done.

My "A-team" girl is super sick and her mom is really struggling. I'm really sad for their family, especially when it sounds like the doctors aren't seeming very positive she will make it through this and get back home to her family. Of course, God is in control of that, but it is going to be a rough road.

I am technically "on-call" for work, but it sounds like once again I will not be working. I was "on-call" for a few hours on Monday, but was thankfully called into work. I was called off work a week ago, so this is the second time this pay period. If my math serves me right, I will be missing at LEAST 30% of my usual pay check. Considering the fact that a "normal" pay check barely covers my house payment, this is not good. There is an opportunity to go work on adult floors in order to get hours. I don't really want to do this, but after much thought and prayer, I decided that I ought to "suck it up" for a little while...unfortunately, I decided a little too late and was unable to take that opportunity today. I also caught wind of something that was happening where other nurses were getting paid extra to work when we weren't getting hours...that's when I lost it this morning and could no longer hold in my tears. I'm really struggling with trusting His plan in all of this, but suppose I am also thankful that I'm not used to living the life of luxury (although taking my girls to a movie or something would be fun).

I'm still waiting on getting money from the State for June. It isn't all about the money and my girls are fabulous, but that money WILL be a blessing (plus I need to pay my sister for watching them on the few days that I HAVE worked!) I had an issue with the other foster mom who was supposed to watch my girls on Sunday while we go celebrate my grandpa's birthday. She ended up asking someone else to do it, so I was stressed out about using one of my very few respite days OR having to pay this person. Thankfully, when I spoke to her yesterday, she said it would be okay and we didn't need to do either of those things. However, it still doesn't quite sit right with me that the other foster parents will get paid for the whole month of June as if they had the girls when they really didn't, but it is what it is and I shouldn't worry about it.

The conversation with that other foster mom yesterday was SO weird. She said that both she and the previous foster mom had not had good experiences with my teenager. She said that "M" was obnoxious and snotty and refused to help around the house. Really?! This girl who has been doing dishes and laundry and vacuuming since the day she stepped foot in my house?! This super sweet girl with the big smile who now giggles quite often and NEVER stops singing?! This girl who teases me and talked NON-STOP about her camp experience for two days?! I'm not here to judge and I KNOW I'm not perfect, but it makes me wonder what she felt like in those houses to make her act like that. Yesterday I "mentioned" that I needed to clean the bathroom and when I thought she was showering, she was actually cleaning the bathroom. Seriously, I love that girl. For some reason I didn't have much patience for her little sister yesterday, but hopefully today is better for both of us :)

So, I'm struggling, but the tears have stopped for now. I'm praying that things at work will get better soon and that I can continue to trust Him and His plans for me.

On a "really cool" note, I received an amazing message in my fb inbox. Back when I was in high school, my family did foster care for two sisters who were 5 and 3. We ended up kind of being a "respite" family. My dad wanted to adopt the 5-year-old, but the 3-year-old had severe fetal alcohol syndrome and was non-verbal and we didn't feel equipped to handle that. The 5-year-old had some behavior issues from the abuse/trauma she had endured and at the time they were a "pair" so it ended up not working out. They ended up splitting them up and the older one was adopted by a single mom. She is now 19 and the mom of a baby and my friend on fb. Over the weekend, she sent me a message about "the good old days" and missing having spaghetti at my grandma's house. That message really took me by surprise because she was only FIVE and really only with us for about three months. When I responded that I couldn't believe she remembered, she said of COURSE she remembered. I guess that really shows how much of a difference you can make in a child's life in a very short time, even if it is "nothing".

Well, the little one is up and I think it's time to stop crying and have breakfast.

Good-byes

Yesterday morning, I sent "M" off to camp. After the tears and packing delay the previous night, I was wondering how the morning would go. I was thankful to have sent out a "prayer request" on twitter because I didn't witness any tears. We stayed until the bus left, then "L" and I had a fun day with a picnic in the park before nap and then pizza and the park for dinner after her visit with her mom was canceled. There were a few tears at bedtime, but we stayed at my mom and dad's, so I think that helped take her mind off missing her sister. I, however, did NOT sleep well at my mom and dad's for some reason and woke up every hour. My sister said that "L" didn't talk about "M" today and she went to bed without any problem and I hope that "M" is doing just as well (or better!) than her sister :)

This is a picture from my phone I took when we went Downtown last week.

My mom was ironing this dress when I got there last night. She was shocked that I said it was SO cute and that this style seems to have come back. (Okay, I could totally be wrong, but I think it's really cute!) My mom thought that one of her sisters had worn it and I HAD to bring it home with me. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous to put "L" in it since I'd probably be sad if something spilled on it, but maybe I just need to get over that ;)

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Work is still super slow and I didn't get my full 12-hours in again today. In the last six times I was scheduled to work, I was forced to stay home one of them and forced to leave early three of them. So, only two full shifts out of six which is really stinky considering that six shifts is two weeks for me :( We have so few patients right now that I won't be surprised to get forced to stay home again this week, maybe even on Monday!

One of my favorite patients/moms is back here in the hospital (my "A-team girl" for those of you who have been reading long). They came back late last week and she is pretty sick. I was able to drop off a few things for them to have when they got here, but didn't get to visit until today after I got off. They both had to quickly say good-bye to the rest of their family, their home, their daily routines, etc. They have no idea how long they will be here and that is really sad. Her mom and I had a nice visit and I'm hoping she will make it to my floor soon (and then on her way back home :) ) Prayers for their whole family appreciated.

I have this quote on the side of my blog I found in the PALS Handbook--"We know that children are a rejuvenating wellspring of love and wonder, and caring for them nurtures us as well as them. We know that our work results in more laughter, more discovery, more sleepovers, more birthdays, more cupcakes, more dances, more graduations and eventually more of us." ~Dr. Robert Hickey--and that is what I focus on during these tough times when kids who were doing so well come in SO sick. I love being able to make a difference in childrens' lives on a regular basis, and can often get paid to do that ;)
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Since it was slow at work and we can't get on facebook, I decided to see if I could catch up on some blog reading. I saw in a "tweet" that Sara/Gitz had posted something yesterday. She does Flashback Fridays sometimes, so I was curious as to what she had written. Now, I know I've mentioned Sara here previously. She is an amazing woman who has been able to find joy in the little things even when she can't so much as open a window, let alone leave her home. Only 100% healthy people can visit her and she lives in constant pain. And yet she writes some of the most beautiful posts and I am always left encouraged (and often guilty that I don't always treasure the little moments). It was so hard to keep the tears inside when I scrolled down to this post and read these words --"It’s me, Susie – Sara’s favorite (actually only) – guest blogger. I’m writing this guest post for her today with the heaviest of hearts. Sara received word today that her dad passed away suddenly of an apparent heart attack. He was out on a boat with Sara’s mom and her aunts and uncles on the most gorgeous of summer days. He was doing one of the things he loved most and had just winked at his wife. A few moments later, he mentioned that he didn’t feel well. He then collapsed and was unable to be revived by family or paramedics. It is still so hard to believe – he was the picture of health and he and Sara’s mom had just visited on the 4^th of July. Please keep Sara in your thoughts and prayers..."

Stunned, speechless, saddened...and probably why you shouldn't read blog posts while at work ;)
I can't begin to imagine losing a parent suddenly like that and pray I never have to experience it. To make matters worse, my heart is just broken as to how she is going to be able to say good-bye to him and be with her family when she can't leave her house? I've definitely been praying for her health and that something can be figured out to make it so she can do what she needs to do to participate in the services or whatever would help her at this time.
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Well, this was kind of a downer post, but at least I started with a cute picture ;) On a lighter note, I said good-bye to my parents because they are going on vacation tomorrow until Saturday and get to see the Grand Canyon :)

I'd better go to sleep so I can get the little one ready for her visit in the morning (usually her sister does that...ha!)

Good-night.

Tears Are Ok

Yesterday I was forced off work again due to low census/being over-staffed. I was forced to stay home three times in June and had to leave early last Friday and on Monday. My last pay check was 12 hours short which is 1/6 of my regular scheduled shifts. The day before yesterday, I knew that I was likely to be forced off yet again. The girls and I ran here there and everywhere as we seem to do (which is fine, but Tuesday seemed to be extra busy!) I had an appointment to see my counselor at 5 and thought the girls would be picked up before 4:30 for their visit (by 4 actually was what I was thinking). So, I offered to bring the older girl's ("M") friend home after they had spent a few hours down town on my way to my appointment (even though it wasn't "on my way") Well, 4:35 rolled around and "M" just told me to go.

I was late to my appointment and was crying by the time I got there (oh, we had spent a great deal of time trying to put together the toddler bed for the little one...it was dropped off to me in a box...nice...good thing I'm "handy", but it was still frustrating to put together!) Good timing for a meeting with the counselor, I guess! Tuesday was extra hot and my car just would NOT cool off. So, I knew that I wouldn't get paid for the next day AND my a/c appeared to be broken...seriously?! Things are going SO well in my life besides financially, but I'm still trusting that things will work out. I have put in a request for the State to pay at least a portion of what I am giving my sister to watch the girls while I work. I am only planning to pay her about $50 a day plus incidentals, but that still takes a good chunk out of what the State will give me. That maybe would be more "ok" if I was actually getting paid to work full-time, but right now I am not.

Anyway, there are going to be forums and I there have been emails from the director, so at least people are looking into this work issue, but it is still pretty stressful!

Tomorrow morning at 7AM, I am dropping off "M" for a weekend at camp. She will return to me at 6PM on Sunday. I've been trying to figure out how she is feeling about this and she isn't giving me a whole ton of feedback (besides she isn't looking forward to bugs!) I know that she is super shy, but this sounds like it will be a good "fit". I told her that when she returns, I want to know the names of two people and three things she learned about them during a conversation (I thought that talking to two people was a manageable goal...ha!) She also is not looking forward to leaving her sister. So, for a few minutes this evening, I had two crying girls and am sure there will be more tears in the morning (any spare prayers are appreciated!) I assured "M" that tears are okay and "L" too, telling her that things will be okay. I had "L" help me make a little 5x7 photo collage with three pictures and made copies for both of them to have. "M" won't tell me that she is looking forward to this weekend, but I really think it will be a good experience for her (I was told it was for teen girls who are or have been in foster care).

Well, I have to be up bright and early too and today was a busy day. We went swimming AND I mowed the lawn, so I'm a little worn out from the sun AND running around :)

Good night.

Where I've Been

Hanging out with "my" girls, going to baseball games, watching fireworks...AND, , actually getting to work three shifts in a week! The girls are great and I am definitely enjoying my time with them. They are such a blessing and are making as much of a difference in my life as I am in theirs (or more!)

The little one ("L") is a ball of energy and talks non-stop. My sister started watching her last week and apparently she needs to work on her "sharing", but what better time (and way) to learn than with my sister and nephew. She takes amazing long naps and will now take a nap and go to bed without her sister helping. She eats anything you put on her plate. She loves to sing and dance and be silly. When we went on that boat she posed for picture after picture, but I could only post that couldn't identify her. (I think you can still tell how cute she is!)

The older one ("M") is shy, but definitely coming out of her shell. She now talks to my mom and my sister and has come to enjoy making fun of me (oh joy...ha!) She has become a college baseball fan and I'm encouraging her to do her summer reading (even though she has to read The House on Mango Street...I read a chapter and totally didn't understand it!) I taught her all my Skip-Bo tricks and now she beats me as much/more than I beat her. She is going to go to camp this weekend and I am SO excited for her. She is super sweet and helps out when she can, many times without being asked. She has the best smile and I wish I could post a picture here, but don't want to get into any trouble for that! I'm really going to miss her when she is gone and hope her mom appreciates how wonderful of a daughter she has.

I've been to five baseball games in less than two weeks. Baseball is the sport I grew up watching and I've been playing softball since I was little. A couple of the games were when it was SUPER hot, but I lathered up my Swedish skin with sunscreen and enjoyed them anyway. :)

Of course, it was the Fourth of July, so there has been a lot of watching of fireworks. Friday night, the girls and I drove toward where there would be some big fireworks. I knew that traffic would be horrendous, but that was part of the experience...ha! We brought a bag of chips and some water and sat in one place on the busiest street in town for about 45 minutes, but had a pretty good view of the fireworks (and then people watched until we could get moving again).

Our census is still very, very low. However, I was fortunate to get to work my three shifts last week, even though I had to leave a couple hours early one of the days. As great as it is to finally work again, it has been a bit of a shock to my system! We have been on the go every day and I'm starting to realize what being a "working mom" actually feels like (although it is definitely different than starting off with a baby AND they do go to see their mom four days a week!) I had to get off early again tonight, but that gave me time to eat dinner on the couch watching Days of Our Lives and blogging for the first time in a LONG time! I love having these girls in my house so much, but it is REALLY strange not being on twitter, facebook, blogging, reading blogs all the time! I think it is good in a lot of ways because I likely spent WAY too much time doing those things. However, it IS different and has been an adjustment!

Well, I have a few more minutes before the girls get home from their visit, so I should get changed and MAYBE put away the dishes since "M" ran the dishwasher this morning!

I've been busy, missing my blog and "my" people, but enjoying this time with my family.

Good night.

Quick Update

Things are going well in my lovely little home. The days and nights are full of laughter, singing, card games, and enjoying our time together. We went down town last night and took some pictures, some of which I should be able to post on here. However, "M" is using my net book that is MUCH faster at uploading pictures, so they will have to wait.

I went back to work today for the first time in a week, so am pretty sleepy after getting up earlier than I'm used to and being awake and moving all day (although "M" kept me busy this week cleaning my car, the garage, my junk room, the kitchen, the bathroom...ha!) Today also "officially" marked the day the girls become "my" foster kids (even though they have been with me for nearly a month already...wow, time flies and yet I can hardly remember life without them [oh yeah, I'm officially a "mom"...ha!]). They spent the day with my sister and nephew and as far as I heard, things went well ("M" found someone who would watch horror movies with her...not me!)

Prayer request for my grandparents/family. My dad's "step-dad" who is the only grandpa I've ever known (He and my grandma were married before I was born. My dad's dad died when my dad was 19.) was admitted to the ICU yesterday. His blood pressure was EXTREMELY low and he was very sick. He has a history of lung cancer and only has one lung, but has been doing very well for years. They thought he likely had pneumonia and yesterday they took over half a liter of fluid off his lung. Today, they cleaned out his lungs (bronchoscopy) and he was in good spirits when I visited. However, when I got off work, I found out that they found some spots on his lung that looked really suspicious for cancer. That is not the news we were hoping to hear and I'm not sure what "the plan" will be. I know that I am VERY fortunate to be 30 years old and all of my grandparents are living (I had a great-grandma who lived until I was a freshman in college.), however, it is really hard to imagine life without any one of them. Only God knows what is in store for the days and weeks and months to come, but things could get pretty tough and I welcome any and all prayers.

Well, I am back to work tomorrow, so I'd better "hit the hay" (no games of Skip-Bo tonight...ha! Both "M" and "I" are SO competitive that we spend a great deal of time planning our "move" so games take FOREVER!)

Good night.

(Almost) Wordless (Almost) Wednesday

We're keeping busy here and I'm still having a hard time keeping up with blogs/blogging. I miss that, but am enjoying this "season" very much, so it is what it is... We had a super fun birthday party...here is a collage of some of my favorite pics.

Hopefully I'll have time for more "words" soon. Enjoy.

G0od night :)

Hard to Believe

It's SO hard to believe that exactly one year ago I became an aunt! My nephew is one and SO much fun! A year ago, I'm sure I had "big plans" for my one-year post (I probably also thought I'd have a gift bought and maybe some cool collages or something made!). I never could have imagined where this year would take me or how much I would LOVE being an aunt (well, I pretty much knew I would love it!)

This may not be the "grand post" I had planned and I may be doing last-minute shopping before the party on Saturday, but I love this boy so much. He is so silly and makes us laugh all the time. He loves to try and figure things out. That boy LOVES to dance! He has grown and changed so much during this past year. I am looking forward to many more fun years being his favorite aunt :)

Happy First Birthday to my Amazing Nephew!

Going Good

(or going well!)

I just wanted to pop in with a post in case anyone was wondering about me. I really miss blogging and reading blogs, but guess that's what happens when you have kids! I'm hopefully back to working full-time (please, please, please!) We've been busy doing lots of fun things (it has been raining doing LOTS of indoor things!) If it was just the little one, I probably could blog during her long naps and after she goes to bed, but I feel bad being on the computer when the older one is home sitting next to me on the couch.

So, that's all for now...until the next time. Enjoy the summer! :)

Saying Nothing

My last post was called "As I Was Saying" as I wrestled with what I coulda/woulda/shoulda said. I tossed and turned that night (probably since I was afraid I wouldn't wake up to my alarm since it had been a LONG time since I had to get up that early but also probably because I wasn't sure if I had done the "right" thing).

I am SO glad that I took the time to write that post because I got some really great comments. I also talked about it at work yesterday (I ACTUALLY got to work...of course, I didn't get to work today, so my next two paychecks are going to be crappy, but that's for another day...) and got some really good feedback too. I talked about learning from mistakes and one nurse said "well, most people have 15 years before they have to deal with a 15-year-old". True, very true.

Laurie in Ca had a real-life example to share with me and her perspective helped a TON. She wrote "...the bond of siblings runs so deep and being moved from one place to another is traumatic and so scary for them...They already know their lives are temporary no matter how loving the caregivers are." It really is true that they are the only "constant" the other has right now and to try and take that away from them really would be detrimental.

However, that doesn't mean that I can set limits and remind "M" that she needs to be a kid doing things without her little sister. I'm actually thankful that I DIDN'T say anything (I debated on whether or not to say something when I got home from work yesterday) because last night went MUCH better and I could have screwed up a good thing by saying the wrong thing! "M" talked on the phone to her friend while I made sure "L" gave her privacy (and me too). Fifteen year olds SHOULD be able to talk to their girlfriend on the phone without their mom and sister around! She didn't even come near me when I told "L" it was time for her bath and went off to do laundry and "hang out" while I did that. Even when "L" was whining at bed time that she wanted "M" to put her to bed, "M" allowed me to do it and was okay with me telling "L" that M wasn't ready to go to bed, but would be there later. L fell asleep pretty quickly even without M there (M fell asleep on the couch so didn't actually go to bed, but that's not MY fault!)

I'm really feeling blessed with these girls because they really are no trouble at all. It's actually kind of nice having someone here to share meals with, play games with, sit outside on the front porch and chat with, etc. There is very little whining from the 2 1/2 year old and the 15-year-old cleans way more than I do (speaking of...I should probably make sure there aren't any dirty dishes in the sink when she gets home and maybe should sweep the kitchen floor!)

Since I unfortunately/unexpectedly got today off work, I got to sleep in :) I also got half of my performance evaluations done. I HATE doing them, so have put them off for weeks. I have to do three peer evaluations and a self-evaluation. I did one peer evaluation that wasn't very good (the person is often rude and rarely does more than the bare minimum). I had a hard time with that and made a bunch of calls to my co-worker friends before finally reaching one who assured me that I just needed to tell the truth. The other peer evaluation I did was for someone that I really enjoy working with, but some how the numbers didn't add up to the "above standard" even though I wrote a lot of "above standard"/"outstanding" comments. The peer I have left is someone who has worked on my floor for a LONG time, but isn't quite "stellar". I had to do her evaluation last year too and it was tough. I think she has been trying to improve, but I saved that one for next-to-last since it will be hard. My self-evaluation will probably take the longest since "tooting my own horn" is difficult, but necessary if I want a raise! Work will be strange when I finally go back because there are LOTS of changes happening that don't seem that great. Two people who do amazing work just had their jobs cut. It really is unbelievable and I'm not sure the "higher ups" realize how much those people did (they are "reorganizing" and creating one job from those two people's jobs...this is not sitting well with the staff nurses on my floor!)

Okay, there's my work rant...ha! I noticed that there was a new way to create new templates on here and decided to try it out. I think I like the changes...any thoughts?! Here is a photo that Ginger took of me at the Zoo. I took it off fb, so it probably isn't the best quality, but I love it :) Too bad circumstances didn't allow for many photo-ops because I would have LOVED to have more photos like this...next time :)

Ta-ta for now :)

As I Was Saying

Yep, honeymoon definitely over (or at least on a "break").

Oh, you were fun while you lasted...trips to the zoo, the park, the swimming pool. Catching fireflies watering the flowers, and drawing with sidewalk chalk. Coloring pictures and playing with Barbies. Singing to the radio and drinking smoothies.

Back to work tomorrow, so it's going to be early to bed for me.

AFTER I write about the "event" that led to my "need" to journal before going to bed.

We were having a grand old time making smoothies, then drinking them while we listened to music (and sang). There was "spillage" of a smoothie in the kitchen during the making process and the nearly-three-year-old was "warned" to be careful. Since we were drinking them in the living room on the couch where there was carpet, there were constant reminders (while in the back of my mind I knew that the likeliness of there NOT being at least a little spill was slim-to-none, even WITH all of the "warnings".) And so, in an act of silliness, the little one dumped nearly an entire glass of strawberry smoothie on the carpet.

I will admit to not being 100% calm, but I made her sit down on the couch while I got stuff to clean. Of course, her sister came and scooped her up "saving" her from my "anger" (I may have slightly raised my voice, but did not yell at her). I had her help me spray the carpet and "forced" her to sit near me while I cleaned...the whole time she was crying and the "mother hen" was watching. After I was done (pretty darn sure that it isn't coming out with MY carpet cleaner), I gave her a hug and told her I knew it was an accident, but we had talked about being careful. I decided it was bed time and her sister reluctantly let me be the one to take her to brush her teeth and then gave in to her tearful request for her to be put to bed by her sister instead of me...

I am sitting her wishing I had handled things a little differently, like maybe coming right out and telling "M" that I was handling things and she should "butt out" but not really in those words. "M" is a GREAT help (I can't complain when dishes and vacuuming are done without prompting!) but at some point, I probably DO need to come out and remind her that she is not "the mom" here. I don't exactly know how to do that, or if it is something that needs to be done in the very near future. I haven't imposed much "authority" in these nearly two weeks since the girls have been here, mostly because it hasn't felt like I had to do much. I guess maybe this is why one of the caseworkers was "worried" about me having a teenager! It is one thing to have authority over a two year old, but putting a 15 year old in her place (especially with something like her trying to be the parent) is more challenging than I thought it would be!

I suppose this was bound to come some time! I'm all about learning, so hopefully I have learned from my "mistake" and handle things a little bit differently next time (You, M, go somewhere else while I handle this with L; you are not the "mom" here...something!)

Well, I'd better head to bed. I haven't worked in nine days, so hopefully I remember how to do my job!

Good night.

Honeymoon

Tomorrow is my last day with the girls before I go back to work. It definitely feels like a "honeymoon" which is funny since my last post was "Wedding Weekend"...ha! So far, things are going pretty well/very well, and I'm trying not to think like this is the "honeymoon" and things will get harder, but it's hard to believe there won't be challenges.

The visitation agency called and apologized to me (and apparently to the mom as well) for the mis-communication/no communication. So, I feel better about that and passed the apology on to the caseworker and to the older girl (M) so she can let her mom know too. We now have a visit schedule and I just need to figure out if it is better for me to have someone else watch them on those days or if those are the days I should be off work. Kind of a tough call. I'm planning to have my sister watch them, so it would be a shorter day if she had them while I worked on visit days. I guess I'll have to see what she thinks.

Today, we went to the park with my sister and nephew. The little one (L) likes him and says his name SO cute! She asked for her own picture of him and carried it around this evening...adorable!

Yesterday, we went swimming and are planning to go back to the zoo tomorrow. I've been trying to get M to do things with her friend, but she hasn't since Friday. Today I "made" her play Skip-Bo with me and it looked like I was torturing the poor girl, but then she wanted to play a second game and took it with her to her visit. I guess she's a "normal" 15-year-old...half the time she won't speak to me and then randomly she'll say a bunch of stuff. She loves to sing, so I've been encouraging that and she's been able to use her MP3 player and my netbook to play music/sing. She is a big help and does the dishes after pretty much every meal. She has been letting me do more things with L, but I still need to work on getting them each their "alone time" (I suppose it's been less than 2 weeks and trust takes time!)

They came with me to my 9:30 softball game. L talked to my aunt and cousin and M listened to music, but did pay attention to some of the game since she said we played better this week than last week (definitely true, although we still lost!)

Well, I need to shower before going to bed and it's already pretty late. I'm going to have a really tough time getting up for work on Thursday after all this staying up late/sleeping in business!

It may be the honeymoon, but "honeymoons" can last for a long time, right?!

On a different note, Gitz has a weekly post called "Gitz Bits" and today one of the pictures in her post was about me...awesome! I feel so cool...ha! :) If you've never read her blog, it is terrific. She has an amazing attitude and chooses to seek joy even in the midst of pain and being home bound. I find myself thinking about her when I do things like sit on the front porch or go to church, things that she will likely never be able to do again. I love that she included me in her post this week (I "may" be a little star struck...I do call myself a Gitzen Girl Groupie...ha!)

Okay, time for bed.
Good night.

Wedding Weekend

Yesterday, my cousin got married out-of-state. It is the third of what will be MANY family weddings since I have 26 first cousins :) (My brother-in-law had to work and couldn't come which is why he isn't in the picture.) Since it was out-of-state, the girls could not go with me (plus, they had a visit today). So, they spent the weekend at their "previous" foster home (technically, they are the "current" foster home and I'm doing "respite" until the end of the month...it's a bit confusing!)

My first week with the girls went well. Of course, I haven't had to go to work yet, but I'm hoping my sister will be able to watch them once I "officially" become their foster mom. My biggest frustration has been with the visitation agency since the one guy didn't bring an ID either time he came to get them. Then, on Friday, they were supposed to get a visit but apparently, they weren't sure where to pick up the girls so just didn't show up anywhere (or make any phone calls)...super annoying and very sad for the girls. They are making up time with a longer visit today which is nice, but still annoying because it would have taken less than 5 minutes to make a phone call or two (and save the caseworker from getting a very angry phone call from the mom!)

I think I'm going to set a couple of TV/computer guidelines for "M". Not too many, but I really don't want her watching stuff that "L" should not be watching (I'm trying to be okay with the radio station choice and cringe every time the little one sings "Rude Boy" and much prefer it when she sings "You Belong to Me"). So far, she has just used my computer for youtube music, episodes of Glee, and fb, but I probably should have a "talk". We played "Mad Libs" which is good practice in knowing adjectives versus adverbs, etc. and I noticed that her spelling isn't all that great. So, I think I'm going to make a call to one of the high school English teachers for some suggestions of things to do this summer.

On Friday, "M" went swimming with her friend and I was with "L" during that time. She did fine and I think it's good if they can do things separately. :) They've been gone less than 48 hours and I miss them! I enjoyed talking to my family about them and they were excited for me.

I should try and get a couple more things done before they come home, so will end with a couple more cute pictures of my nephew from the wedding. He LOVES to dance, but I didn't get any pictures of that! I can't wait to see the photographers photos because my nephew was quite the ham whenever he came around! My sister was happy to have lots of help chasing him around everywhere because he is BUSY!!

I'm Still Here

I haven't had much of a chance to blog these days, but wanted to write a quick "I'm still here and doing fine" blog post.

It's hard to believe that it hasn't quite been a week since I first heard about the girls. We've been doing well. Dealing with the System is of course interesting and the lack of communication is crazy. However, the girls seem to be adjusting well to their "new home" (although it sounds like since I don't have day care and all that stuff set up, they are technically still in the other foster home and I am providing "respite care" until July 1).

I let the little one stay up until Midnight (we were having sing-along/karaoke and it's SO cute hearing a 2 1/2 year old sing Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus, etc. :) ) and it's nearly 1:30 and the 15-year-old and I just finished watching an episode of Glee. She IS fifteen and the little one DID take a late nap after the zoo, plus we don't have to get up early tomorrow, so hopefully I'm not a "bad mom"...ha!

The older one is trusting me more and more to be "the parent" to the little one. I don't have (m)any "rules" yet, but they really are well-behaved so I'm not sure what kind of "rules" need to be made... At the other foster home, they didn't really watch TV and Internet time was limited...I'm obviously a TV and Internet kinda person and she's FIFTEEN...we do a lot of things NOT involving TV and computers, and as cool as I am (ha!) it doesn't make sense to me to not allow her to do things I feel are "age-appropriate" (as long as we go outside and do social things/play games that aren't on the computer)...am I wrong?!

I went to mow this morning and when I came back in, the older one (M) had gotten out a coffee mug and put it by the pot for me...I thought that was SO sweet!

A guy from the State came today and talked to me and the girls. I let M and him talk for a little bit while I took L to the bathroom and she was crying when I came back. I feel really bad for these girls, but all of us are doing the best to make the most of this crappy situation. Sara wrote a really good post today (it actually made me cry) which includes the quote "Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." ~John Wooden. While her context was different, we really can't control this situation, but can control how we react to it.

Well, I should go to bed...just wanted to let my five-ish readers know that I'm still here and doing well :)
Good night.

Lots of Firsts

I wasn't kidding when I wrote that it has been a whirlwind! Even before I got my FIRST foster placement, there were lots of others!

• I visited Pittsburgh for the FIRST time and went to the zoo and the children's museum.
• I met Ginger's family for the FIRST time.
• I had steak salad and a special white pizza for the FIRST time.
• I went with Ginger and the kids to Mass and it was the baby's FIRST time.
• Not exactly sure why, but when I was there with Ginger and the kids, I felt for the FIRST time that I really was ready to try this "mom thing".

All in all, my time in Pittsburgh was just fabulous! It rained a couple of days which made it hard to do some of the outside things she had planned. Her new camera wasn't working, so we didn't take nearly as many photographs as either of us planned. Also, one day I was in my pjs until nearly 2:00 before I decided to shower and get dressed, so it isn't like we would have gotten photos of that...ha! Of course I cried when it was time to leave. When I got home, I found out that when her daughter got home from school, she said she wished I was still there...and I cried again (and then I had to get to work making calls to the caseworkers!) I've been pinching myself a lot these days, but it's just hard to believe how much fun we have together when it is "by chance" that we know the other exists. I'm not sure when we will get to see each other again, but we're both hoping for sooner rather than later. =)

• Last night was my FIRST night with the foster kiddos. I think I'll call them "M" (15) and "L" (2 1/2) (since that's the first letter of the names they go by and will be easier for me to remember!) Their current foster mom dropped them off and left once we got involved in playing. We played Barbies (my FIRST time in a little while!) and the little one explored my basement with all of it's toys. We watched some TV for a while (and I discovered that I'm getting a bunch of channels I'm not paying for...score! I'm already paying too much, so I SHOULD be getting those channels!) They went to bed without any fuss, although I'm supposed to try and get the little one to sleep in her own bed, but that didn't happen last night...baby steps!
• My FIRST "foster mom fail" is that I had forgotten to get sliced cheese at the store on Friday night. It was late and I knew I had forgotten it, but was done shopping and the cheese was on the other side of the store, so I decided it could wait. Of COURSE "M" wanted a sandwich and I'm like well, I'm not sure I have mayo or anything (I did, but no mustard) and the only cheese I have is shredded or in string cheese form. So, she made her sandwich with string cheese...at least I got a smile out of her over that one!
• Today, I brought them to Mass for the FIRST time and they also met my mom, dad, sister, and nephew for the FIRST time. "M" was super quiet and my nephew was walking toward "L" like he was going to attack her, so she was shy as well...I didn't make them stay long (we were at my mom and dad's house).
• I saw "16 and pregnant" for the FIRST time...and likely should not have been watching it with my 15-year-old foster daughter. I'm thinking we'll have to set some TV rules...any ideas/suggestions?! Apparently, they were only allowed to "earn" very small amounts of TV time in the other home. I wasn't "allowed" to watch MTV growing up, so maybe I should make the same rules...I don't know. I definitely think we should try to do things without the TV on considering the weather is nice and all of us could use exercise.
• I had my FIRST oh.my.goodness.the.foster.care.system.is.crazy moment. I thought that the girls had a visit with their mom at 2, so they would be picked up around 1:30. Well, that time came and went and some time around 2, I called to see if they had gone to the other house instead of mine. Nope. She called me at nearly 2:30 to say that the transport person had just left there. It's only about a 10 minute drive, so when it was nearly 3, I called the foster mom who has the brothers to see if THEY had been picked up. Nope, and they usually get picked up at 2. Oh.my.goodness! I felt really bad for "M" as she sat here knowing full well that the visitation agency is kinda crazy and usually come late, send different people, etc. She also knew that the later it got, the shorter her visit with her mom. I was on the phone with the other foster mom when a guy pulled up in this little sports car and I told her that I wasn't sure how five kids would fit in there because there aren't even that many seat belts! Apparently, he didn't know to come here, he didn't know who was picking up the boys, he asked if he could use my car seat since his doesn't work well, and he didn't have his ID but asked "M" to verify that he had transported them to many visits. "Cluster*" for sure...wow!
  
  I'm sure this is the FIRST list of many FIRSTS that will come during this journey! However, I still think it feels like a "good fit" for my FIRST placement. My anxiety right now is about going to work tomorrow and negotiating my schedule. We are working on the schedule for July and it will be picked up tomorrow to finalize. The schedule I have would have been "ok/not great" for me alone, but does not appear like it will work well for me + kids. Because of the holiday and the way we do our weekend teams, I'm supposed to have to work every weekend in July (besides the one I requested off for the transplant reunion and my grandpa's 85th birthday party) which is not-so-great when you have kids. I would have just changed it, but it looked like it would mess things up, so I'd rather talk one-on-one with my manager/the scheduling person. Any spare prayers that I can get my request to have Tuesdays (softball), Fridays, and Sundays (visits) off (basically, that I can get the schedule I want!) would be appreciated :) I think they each have an additional visit, but am not sure what days those will be.

I can't believe the number of fb comments I have gotten supporting me in this "endeavor". I really am feeling the love and that definitely helps! :)

Well, I'd better head to bed. I went back to the grocery store and we now have sliced cheese (and some of the other things that "M" said they like).

More to come...although I'm not sure what being a foster mom is going to do to my blogging/twitter habit ;)

Good night.

Life's a Changin'

I totally didn't stay focused today since I was calling/texting "everyone"! So, now it's late, I'm tired, but my house is not quite ready for two kiddos to come home to it tomorrow night. Granted, I'm planning to toss quite a bit of things into my spare room and my bedroom for the time being, but I still have stuff that HAS to be done before I go to bed (and I'm writing a blog post...yeah, I have "focus issues"!) I met the girls this afternoon and spent a couple of hours with them. My friends and family have been amazingly supportive and I haven't even told HALF of the people I know! I'm sure there will be challenges, but from the first meeting, the older one is quiet (but talked to me more than the other foster mom and I expected) and the younger one warmed up to me quickly and is quite the chatty one (super cute!) Eventually, I'll have to come up with some kind of blog names for them (or numbers or something).

The plan is for them to come over tomorrow after I get off work and stay the night. They will go back to their current foster home on Sunday afternoon and return to me on Monday after I get off work or Tuesday. The day care situation is being worked on (the day care I had checked out felt a little "sketchy" to me and apparently the caseworker does not want me taking the little one there...). The caseworker is looking for activities for the older one and is getting me a toddler bed. I am going out of town for a cousin's wedding next weekend, so they will be somewhere else next weekend (Friday-Sunday). It's a bit of a crazy transition, so hopefully is smoother than it seems!

Back to work...you know, having a place on the couch to sit is a good thing as is room on the kitchen table for plates ;)

Good night.

Whirlwind

I'll have to write more about my trip tomorrow since my four-ish hours of sleep just hit me. Here's some "snippits"...and then a "recap" of the whirlwind that took place after I got to the airport...

We went to the Zoo on Monday...here's Ginger's daughter looking at the Komodo Dragon.

My dad is a "letter carrier" and takes pictures of post offices wherever he goes. I do the same. This is now the children's museum.

Making paper at the children's museum with Ginger's son.

There was LOTS of snuggling of the baby girl, but I didn't have any pictures of that on my camera...

After I wiped my tears, I headed toward my terminal, stopping to pick up souviners for my family along the way. I hadn't eaten breakfast, so was looking forward to hash browns at McD's with my breakfast sandwich and second cup of coffee. Although it was only 9:15, when I reached the front of the line, I heard that they were out of hash browns. Boo on that! I was hoping that would be my only stroke of "bad luck" today (especially since I was getting on a couple of airplanes!)

I had a fairly long layover in Chicago and realized on the trip there that they do not have free wifi...boo on that too! I decided it was going to be worth the "investment" to pay for internet since my phone does NOT work well for that and I'd have been bored out of my mind just walking around/people watching. My $6.95 internet worked for a while then suddenly I lost my connection. I took that as a sign to break for lunch, but then it didn't come back. So, I called customer service (since I most DEFINITELY wasn't going to pay that much for an hour of service!) That was around a 20 minute call, but the connection came back...and I told them they needed to credit my account which they did :)

My flight leaving for home was delayed a bit and my phone was pretty much dead so I was hoping I wouldn't miss the call from my dad who was circling the airport waiting for me to get my bags. I had enough charge to listen to a voice mail that came from my caseworker about the placement of a 7-year-old boy who would be placed tomorrow. I talked it over with my dad and agreed that it sounded like a good "first placement".

I called her back as soon as I dropped my bags on the living room floor. As far as she knew, he hadn't been placed, but she had to call the agency that referred him. She called me back to say a message was left and I'd likely get a call later.

So, I went to put in my first load of vacation laundry. I noticed my answering machine light blinking, so pressed play as I loaded the washer (I rarely answer my house phone and don't always remember to look for messages). The first message was a different caseworker calling about two girls. That message was left on Tuesday. The second was about donation pick-up. The third message was the same caseworker asking if I'd had time to think about the placement of the two girls. That message was from today. So, I called the first caseworker back to let her know I wanted more information about this placement. She said I needed to call the one who left the message for further information, but asked me to keep her posted.

I found out that it is a fifteen-year-old and her two-year-old sister. They are in a foster home now whose circumstances led them to needing the girls moved. I was given the number of their current foster parents to gather more information, but it definitely sounded like it would work...ESPECIALLY when I found out that the older girl goes to the high school I did (I've written a LOT about how special that school is to me, so when I heard that, it was like God was shouting at me...I didn't even have to TRY to hear Him! I guess that's what they meant when they told me "when it's right, you'll know!) Since I have gotten two calls about them, that makes me think there is a good possibility they will indeed be placed with me. The current foster mom and I decided to let the caseworker guide us in the transition between homes (since they aren't a HUGE hurry, but it also isn't something that should be dragged on to the point that they are living in two different homes.) So, I will call her in the morning (I mean, in a few hours...ha!) and go from there. Even though I've made good progress in the organizing/cleaning department, I have quite a bit to do tomorrow. I think that an actual placement is the perfect incentive for that...ha!

More to come on that front...

On another not, I DID miss this boy who is walking all over the place now! I brought home an entire suitcase of clothes and shoes from Pittsburgh for him. He and his parents were excited :)

Good night.