Belonging

I'm having an emotional night, so this may or may not be a rational post, but I need to "let it all out" before I head to bed.

Last night, I dropped the girls off at their mom's new place for the weekend. The service coordinator "volunteered" me to do that in the same week she told me she was going to make the mom responsible for transportation. Their mom made me feel like an idiot when I called on the way to get the correct address since the service coordinator gave me an incorrect one. Lady, I know your place isn't hard to find, but I don't know that it's "near the library and the homeless shelter" when I don't have the correct address. Anyway, it was irritating, but the little one was kind of tired/crabby and my hope is that the teen made her mom deal with that. Their mom called me at 9:00 last night to tell me the little one had head lice. I highly doubt that since she hadn't been at day care since early Wednesday and where else would she have gotten them? My guess is sand, but I was dumbfounded by her call wondering what she wanted me to do about it anyway?! I washed her sheets to be on the safe side, but I'm kind of giggling that she'll be disinfecting her place ;)

Today I went to work for the first time since last Friday. Last Friday was a terrible day at work both work-wise and emotionally home-wise. I enjoyed my "break", even though it was not a relaxing week. The morale on my unit is not very good and I feel myself slipping out of my typically positive attitude. However, I went to bed before 10:00 last night, so felt I was ready to "take on whatever comes"...

Well, good thing I DID get that extra sleep because I needed it! I took care of a patient whose dad was incredibly draining. He was super passive-aggressive and it was exhausting every time I had to go into their room. There was no pleasing him and no way he was going to have a good day no matter how hard I tried to make conversation and do an excellent (if I do say so myself) job of taking care of his child's needs. No wonder I am super tired! Tomorrow I get to go back and take care of that child as well as another one whose parents can be "draining" as well, but at least they seem to like me ;)

The rest of the day is what led to me titling this post "belonging". My unit is split into two sides. Today, there were three nurses and the charge nurse on my side (well, the charge nurse spent most of the day on "my side"). All day long, the other three seemed to be having private conversations. Well, private conversations between a couple of them or all of them, inside jokes, stories, whatever. While I was busy doing my work, it definitely seemed like they were not conversations that were to include me. To be honest, I spent most of the day ignoring it and just doing what I was there to do. However, it did get old after a while and by the time I was in my car on the way home, there were tears in my eyes. Yes, I'm also tired, hormonal, and a "crier", but I still had tears.

And, now the tears are dripping down my face...yep, I need to go to bed soon! But, seriously, my tears are mostly because I love having this place where I can journal my thoughts and feelings. I love having a place where I "belong". Blogging is something NO ONE in my "real life" understands. I love that the people here "get" me. I don't have to try to be someone I'm not and I feel loved and respected for who I am, no matter if I'm venting about something silly or crying about my "blog/twitter" friends. I actually don't know what people at work think about me. I guess I don't want to necessarily be involved in the gossip or be the one that people gossip about, but sometimes it feels pretty lonely. I eat lunch by myself most days. Lots of the time I enjoy that because it's the only quiet time I get...and sometimes it's better than eating with everyone else and feeling completely out-of-place/alone.

Wow, now I'm sobbing...it's like all those junior high/high school/college times of trying to find my place in this world have all come flooding back! I guess that's why the last time I updated my blog layout, I wrote "My Beautiful Journey" because my therapist helped me see that my path is like no one else's, but it is mine...and it is beautiful.

If you are reading this, thank you. This "community" (even those who read and I have no clue who you are ;) ) has helped me so much. However, it's hard that those people who make me feel like I "belong" are so far away...and yet so near ;)

And now, I must go to sleep so I can face whatever comes tomorrow ;)

Good night.

Needing a Pick-Me-Up

I was going to title this "Feeling Weary", but I think "Needing a Pick-Me-Up" is a little less dramatic...maybe?!

I've been off all week long. By the time I go back to work on Saturday, I will have been off seven days in a row. You would think I would be rested, but it's been a long week. Lots of fun things, but still long. I was hoping this week would be the "pick-me-up" that I needed after the (di)stress of last week/weekend.

I suppose in some ways, it has been...if I want to be my "glass half-full" self ;)

On Monday I was "on-call" for work, so I couldn't really go anywhere. I did bring the little one to day care, so was here with the teen all day. She remained "mute" until 2:00 when she snapped out of it and was back to her usual self. It is really sad to see how much one visit with her mom changed her. The poor girl is struggling, but she can't (or won't) verbalize what's going on inside. I guess that's a teenager for you, but it would be very helpful to know how to help her. Once she started talking to me, we discussed going to a movie. I asked if she wanted to go "just us" or with the little one too. With a huge grin on her face, she said "both". Of course, O Spoiled One ;) So, once I became "off call", I picked up the little one, we ate dinner, then went to see the movie "Hop". It was cute and the teen and I cracked up at the "adult humor" which was fun.

Tuesday, I brought the little one to day care and the teen and I went to a noon showing of "Soul Surfer". We were the only two people in the entire theater. So, I left one chair between us, but part-way through was wishing I was right next to her so I could "show some love" through my tears. I think it was a special movie for the two of us to see. I left her at home for the afternoon/early evening while I went to a work meeting, picked up the little one, and went to see my counselor. After the little one was in bed, we watched "Glee" and she grumbled about spring break being over and having to go back to school.

Yesterday, I brought my car to the dealer since the "check engine" light came on...$860 to fix...yikes! I brought home a loaner car for the night which was good since I got a call from the day care at 11:45 that the little one had a temp of 99.4 and diarrhea. That shouldn't have been enough to "exclude" her since she WAS continent and that wasn't a "fever", but she had had some diarrhea at home the night before, so I went to get her. The super annoying thing is that she has to see the doctor before she can go back. I told the owner that the doctor would laugh at bringing a kid with a low grade temp and a couple of "loose stools" in to be seen. She was not impressed with my comment and that's the rule...good thing I don't have to pay a co-pay or I'd be really ticked! So, there went my afternoon because now the little one was here...and today too...tomorrow morning I "get" to bring her to the doctor. Lovely. The caseworker came and the service coordinator still won't respond to any of her phone calls or emails. It has been at least six weeks since the service coordinator talked to her. REALLY annoying. I was irritated because when I called the service coordinator to tell her she left me in a really bad place on Sunday, she never once apologized.

Today, since the little one couldn't go to day care, we met my friend and her daughter at the park for a picnic. The two of them play together really well. My friend was a family support worker for a long time and adopted both of her kids through the foster care system (and the same agency). She has been a great support to me. I got an email from the service coordinator telling me that the girls' mom's new place has been approved for overnights. However, she still "only" wants them every other weekend...that's a load of crap in my opinion since the plan is to return them home permanently mid-May/early-June. I mean, what kind of "shared custody" agreement is this?! She gets them every other weekend and I have them full-time. I mean, I love having them, but seriously?! That's how it works?! Also in that email, she said that she read in one of my emails that I offered to transport them to their visit tomorrow. I said nothing of the sort and responded not very kindly to her email. I feel badly about that, but she has told me time and again that I do not have to be responsible for transportation and/or communicating visits with their mom (unless I want to). That is the second time this week she has "let" that happen, or encouraged it... I'm not very happy and I don't get "angry" very often.

So, apparently, the little one is not coming with me to the foster family appreciation party tomorrow. But, since she may not have a visit next weekend, she may get to come with me to the last play of the season at the children's theater (we have gone to six or seven plays/musicals there!) I DID say that I'd be willing to pick her up for the play if she was on a visit, but most definitely didn't offer my services tomorrow. She lives "a lot" further away now and gas is a ton more expensive than it used to be!

There's my rant...I feel better already ;) I did make a really nice photo Mother's Day card for their mom on $hutterfly yesterday which was actually kind of therapeutic for some reason. She was scheduled to meet with the administrators at the teen's school this afternoon to discuss the financial and time commitments of sending your daughter to a private school. If that happened and she is dedicated to allowing her to continue attending that school, then I will feel a great deal better about their transition home.

I am linking to this song because I like it :)



Well, I should probably put laundry away before I have to pick up the teen from school. So much for my "catch up day", but at least I got a blog post written ;)

On The Edge

Ever since the text message from Wednesday, I feel like I have been living on the edge. My heart races every time the phone rings. My anxiety goes through the roof every time my cell phone vibrates with a message. Tears fill my eyes without notice. My stomach churns.

I wait.

I wonder.

I prepare.

What will I say if the phone rings? What will I respond if I get a text message? What do I tell the little one? What will I say to the teen?

What if there is no visit on Easter? What if there is?

I'm living on the edge, and it's really not fun.

I did get a "random" call at 8AM wondering about "her visit". My response was "oh, there is a visit today?" (since, you know, it's been over 2 weeks since I heard from the service coordinator). She said "well, it's Easter" (no sh** Sherlock...where have you been for the past 2+ weeks?!) She really wanted me to take them to her "that would be really nice"...um, absolutely not. We are leaving for church at 10:30, so you can get them before that otherwise we are going to my aunt's and my grandma's. Of course, she texted me at 11:00 that she was picking them up at noon. I didn't get the message until 12:15 when we got out of church. I maybe should have NOT checked my messages and noticed once we got to my aunt's house ("really" far away) and been able to respond that we were gone for the day. I was only 5 minutes from home and there wasn't much structure to my family's plan today, so I told her she could get them. First, she said she'd come in half an hour and I was like "come as soon as you can so I'm not late to my family lunch!" Their cousin or someone picked them up at 12:30 and they were supposed to be dropped off half an hour ago.

And so, I sit, and I wait, and I wonder if/when I will get a message, or a phone call, that she can't get them back to my house.

I left messages for the service coordinator and the caseworker. This is not fair and they need to talk to each other...and to me.

Enjoying the Time

Yesterday I was SO crabby, so I went to bed at 10. I still think I need a nap today to rid myself of the crabbiness ;) The text message from Wednesday has me completely stressed out that some "random" text message (or phone call) is going to come and change my world as I know it. Yesterday, the day care was closed (I didn't know that when I scheduled myself to work...she wasn't even IN day care at that time!) and the teen is on Spring Break. So, I tried to get the day off since my mom and sister were busy and I didn't want the teen having to watch her for 13 hours. Plus, I had no clue if someone was just going to come get the girls randomly while I was at work and that thought made me ill. I know I should have just called in sick, but since I wasn't "sick", I always think that it's going to MAKE me sick if I do that! We had an "extra" nurse scheduled...or so I thought. I got a call at 5:00 AM telling me I could be "on call" which would have at least given me some extra sleep that was really needed. Then, I got a call at 6:00 AM telling me I had to come in (and be there by 7). Needless to say, I was super crabby when I got there and it was a super busy and not at all fun day...and probably wouldn't have been a great day even if I had been there with a positive attitude (which I was not).

All day long, I was stressed out that one of the times I checked my phone (we aren't supposed to have them with us), there would be a message from someone. But, my anxiety was for nothing because I heard from nobody--not their mom, not the service coordinator, and not the caseworker (even though I left her three messages). When I got home, I asked the teen if she had talked to her mom and she said she had thought about calling her, but I don't think she actually did ("red flag" or "teenager"?!) My parents did pick them up for dinner and both my mom and I checked in on them periodically, so I did feel a little bit better about leaving them alone for 13 hours!

When I got home, they were playing outside in the backyard, which I thought was really nice. After I played for a little while, we came inside to color Easter eggs. The teen didn't want to help us, but the little one and I had a fun time (even though we did it "super fast"). It was a kind of stressful bed time, since she kept asking what we were going to do "after this nap". I guess I could honestly tell her I didn't know, but the not knowing is really not enjoyable.

Once it hit 8:15 AM, I decided that their mom wasn't going to call to come get them today (or ask me to bring them)...or, if she did, then that was too late of notice for us and it wouldn't work with "our plans". So, I woke up the little one by telling her we were going to see her friends and go on an Easter egg hunt. She woke right up in a pleasant mood and we were off by 9:20 :) I left a note for the teen letting her know where we were and we left for the morning/early afternoon. She didn't want anything to do with the finding eggs (or picking the eggs up off the ground as the case was for the "hunt"), but did have fun getting her face painted (she wanted a "heart" and a "shirt" on her cheeks...ha!), playing carnival games, and jumping in the bouncy castle/house. We had BK for lunch (I have had entirely TOO many French fries the past two weeks...yikes!) and got home by 2:00 for her nap. I've only briefly seen the teen since I've been home, so am not sure if her mom called while we were gone (or if she called her). Again, I have no idea what the plans are for them tomorrow. In my opinion, it's kind of late notice to "plan" anything, but if she comes to get them before we leave for 11:00 church and can get them back here "at some point", than that is fine. However, I am not bringing them anywhere besides church and my family gathering(s).

I "strongly dislike" having no idea what is going on and feeling like I have no control. However, I know I need to focus on the time we have and was encouraged by the conversations I had with the GAL this week. Nothing "permanent" can happen without a court order and that date is currently set for May 31. So, I need to enjoy this and let go of the anxiety as much as possible. I think it's time for a nap :)

I love how close the scissors are ;)

She LOVED this :)

I did let her wear brown shoes with her black tights ;)

Spring Break

The teen is on spring break until next Wednesday. On Sunday, she, the little one, and I drove 60 miles down the road to see a college baseball game the teen wanted to attend (she's been planning this since college baseball season ended!) Unfortunately, her friend flaked out on her last minute...actually, not sure if not showing up at pick up or answering your phone is "flaking", but in any case it was too late to find anyone else. So, it was just the three of us, which was fine. I wish I could show pictures, but all of them give away where I live, so you'll just have to imagine how much fun we had when I say the teen took over 50 pictures (thank goodness for digital!)

Monday, I worked, but came home to a dusted/vacuumed/glass table cleaned/kitchen floor washed house. It looked great and she was proud of herself :)

Yesterday, the teen cleaned her room while I was at an appointment. After that, we went to lunch and got coffee before she had to get a shot and see her therapist. Then, we went shopping so she could help me pick out an Easter dress for the little one and she got a pair of shorts. We hadn't heard any word from her mom since before she left on April 7 (yes, nearly 2 weeks), so neither of us knew what the plans were for Easter. She tried on a dress that didn't end up fitting, but before she did, she asked if my dress had flowers too...since the little one's does and so did that one. So sweet. :) The little one's teacher said that she decided to count how many times the little one says "I love Amanda" in a day...yesterday, that number was 23 :)

Today, I was at work while the teen was again working away at my house and the little one was at day care. I left a voice mail for the caseworker (not the service coordinator) to see if she had heard anything about visits, etc. but never heard back. Tomorrow would be two weeks their mom has been gone and I was wondering how much longer it was going to be, but afraid to ask since when she left, I was told they would go home when she got back. The teen hasn't seen her mom all month and the little one had one overnight visit. It makes me really sad.

Surprise! I get a "random" text message from their mom around 5:30 PM saying that she moved and they are doing a "walk through" on Friday (meaning?!). Since I was in shock (because, hello, how long has she been back in town and not contacted her kids?!), I only responded with an "ok" (that's all she deserves anyway in my opinion after that long of not communicating with anyone!) She then asked for the teen to call her. I said I was at work, but she was at home. I said I'd tell her when I got home (but also left it open that SHE could pick up the phone and call her daughter seeing as she's had the number for eight months).

I called the caseworker to let her know and she is going to talk to the service coordinator tomorrow. The coordinator hasn't communicated with either of us about anything the past two weeks. I called the teen on the way home to let her know her mom wanted her to call. She hadn't called by the time I got home and waited until after the little one had her bath and I reminded her to call. She came to the kitchen and said her mom would talk to the little one another day since she didn't want to upset her close to bed time...what the H*** Seriously?! I'm too ticked for words, really, that is just unacceptable in my opinion...maybe she is upset that the little one WOULDN'T be that upset?! Ugh, so annoying!

I did talk to their GAL this evening in response to an email I sent him outlining my concerns. He had some questions and wanted some more information, but of course the little one decided to have a meltdown, so it was hard to talk (plus, I didn't really want the teen overhearing our conversation and getting the wrong idea...or the right one ;) ) Hopefully I can talk to him again before they just end up back home. They have been away from home for so long that I think they NEED to have a transition. As much as they love their mom and she loves them, things are a lot different than they were 16 months ago for them. Both of them have grown so much and they all need time to adjust to that.

I guess this is another step on the journey...and they aren't gone yet, so we will make the most of it. Tomorrow, I'm taking the teen on a college visit that she arranged. Yes, she's a sophomore, but she said she "wasn't going to be one of those people who wait until they are a senior"...alrighty then! I tried asking her yesterday how she was going to "explain" me, but she blew off my question. Of course, at that point, neither of us knew when (or if!) her mom was coming back, so it was kind of natural for "us" to do this.

I have no idea what is going to happen, but it's definitely sounding like they may actually be with their family this weekend, which also means I will have more time to visit with mine (without a "bored" teen and a "clingy" little one). However, I won't hold my breath because I'm not quite sure I'm really to jump on board with providing transportation after basically being left in the dark about any sort of Easter/Spring Break plans even after multiple attempts for answers.

Busy day ahead, but that's what's been going on here.
Good night.

Growth

Today was a "meeting day" for me...good thing I like to talk ;)

After dropping the teen off at school and the little one at day care (and a trip to the teen's school to bring her business homework-she called in "a favor" ;) ), I called the caseworker to catch her up on everything that happened while she was out of the office. Her suggestion to me about the "Caregiver Information Form" was to gather my information and send it to the GAL. It has been her experience that the information doesn't often make it to the judge (so, pretty much the only people who would see it are the mom's lawyer and maybe her??) Of course, the GAL has seen the girls only 2 or 3 times in the 16 months they have been in care, but it is worth a shot I guess.

Not too long after that, I went and met with my counselor. Of course, she asked the question about what I am going to do when the girls go home. I let her know that I'm really not sure, but that there are so many people who have walked this journey with me, so I will not be alone whenever it happens. It's really hard to plan when the "soon" keeps changing and no one knows what the "transition" will look like. She wondered if I "throw tantrums" in my quiet time thinking that the girls are "mine" and should stay with me. To be honest, the answer to that is a definite no. Would I be committed to caring for them long-term should their mom (or the courts) make the decision that that is best? For sure. As heartbreaking as it is to think about them leaving, I'm also aware that being with me forever may NOT be best and I am trusting in God's plan for all of this.

Whenever that day comes, there will be tears. I'm sure there will be lots of them. However, not all of them will be sad ones. I will cry happy tears for all the special moments we have shared. I will cry because I know I have made a difference in their lives, and them in mine. There will be tears because this time has brought more blessings than I ever could have imagined.

That day is not today. Today, the teen babbled like a crazy lady during the caseworker's visit this afternoon (I met with the "fertility care specialist" who is helping me with my PCOD in between there). There were times when she would barely look at the caseworker when she came to see us. That is growth (or the mocha ;) ) The little one seems to enjoy going to "school" and has obviously grown so much in these 10 months in her personality (and a little bit in size...she's still pretty tiny!)

August 2010-April 2011

I've grown too. This experience has changed me for the better. It has brought me closer to my family. I have new friends and have gotten amazing support from my "old" friends. I have gained confidence, I communicate better, I am more flexible, I am proud of myself.

It's not "over" until it's "over" and even then maybe it won't be...until then, we'll keep on growing.

How Will I?

The question everyone wants to know is how will I "cope" after the girls go back home. The answer has typically been that I don't know. After a conversation I had with the service coordinator on Thursday, it seems like the "soon" that has been for the past ten months may actually be here before I know it...and definitely before I am ready for it. I go between having a pit in my stomach to crying to remembering all the good times and knowing how much better our lives are because of this time...and a variety of emotions/feelings in between. My caseworker was on vacation last week, so today was a catch up day for her and she didn't have a chance to call me. Hopefully I'll be able to touch base with her in the morning before she comes to see the girls in the afternoon. I have an opportunity to write something to the judge, but I need advice on if it is worth it. If what I have to say isn't going to change anything and could actually make things worse, than it is probably best for me to keep it to myself. Maybe I'll end up having to write out what I WOULD say just to let it all out... 

Their mom was a "no show" at her tuition conference on Friday, so it is looking less and less likely that the teen will be able to continue at her current school. I understand that can't necessarily be grounds to keep her from going home, but it definitely is something that is important to the teen and her mom has told her multiple times that she would make it happen...I haven't seen any effort from her yet. It makes me cry because she is thriving in that environment and this quarter she has been getting even better grades (poor kid just came out of her room to tell me that her entire English essay just got lost since she wasn't saving it as she went...she wasn't cursing or crying and I know I would have been doing at LEAST one of those things...ha!)

Last night, the little one wouldn't go to sleep (I did put her to bed early because she wasn't listening or following directions or "acting right"). After an hour of checking on her periodically, she finally responded "I want you" when I asked what was wrong. I picked her up and held her for a couple minutes and cried the whole time (me, not her). That was all she needed and it didn't take much longer for her to go to sleep. In addition to the problem with her listening ears, she has also been extra clingy and wanting to be held all the time. She also says "I love you" every time she does something she isn't supposed to do as well as random other times throughout the day. 

Yeah, I'm thinking one of the answers to the question of how will I cope after the girls go back home will be lots of tears. However, I am blessed to have a TON of support, so I'll be ok, and at least I know the girls will be "ok". Talking it out, hugs, tears, prayers, and memories like these ones will definitely help :) 

Good night.

Toe Talk

Warning, this is a post about toes/feet...if you don't like feet, or pictures of them, you probably should stop reading ;) I'll start with a picture of the little one to give you a chance to hit the back button or "mark read" or whatever you need to do ;)

Monday was her first day of day care/pre-school. She is in a room with 2 and 3 year olds. She had a great time. :) When she came home, she told me she watched Spongebob at school...seriously?! I thought she was mistaken, so I asked on Tuesday and much to my dismay, they seriously did "during transition" because "the boys like it". I think I should have done a little more research, but she likely won't be there too long and it was more for socialization than anything. Yesterday, I worked, so my mom dropped her off and my dad picked her up. I called my parents' house around 5:15 and my dad said she'd been crying since she got picked up. I spoke to the teen and she thought the little one had a fever. I talked to her on the phone for a little while. I called the day care and they said she didn't really want to play and sat on a bench. I'm not surprised that she would sit on a bench by herself rather than play with the other kids. The teen called me at work shortly after 6 to let me know her temperature was 103.5 and that she was going to give her a "tepid" bath and some Tylenol. I tried to leave work early since I really didn't want her to have to be the mother here. I was only taking care of one patient, so it could have worked except she was a patient with extensive history and a mom who was super particular (and annoyed with our "lack of communication") so giving report to one person who would give report 45 minutes later to someone else was not in anyone's best interest. I knew the teen could do it, she likely has done it many times...more than she should for sure! So, I called and checked a few times during that last hour and a half of work and my mom called to check on her too.

The little one's temp came down nicely with Tylenol and she never had another fever. I kept her home from school today (as you are "supposed" to) even though she was acting completely fine. Her only complaint was a stomach ache. I am taking her tomorrow to get an H & P before she gets her dental work done next week (FINALLY! 6 months later!) So, I guess they can check her out then and make sure there isn't anything else wrong with her (and clear her for day care so I can take her after the appointment!)

I got a call from the Service Coordinator this afternoon that the girls' mom is going out of town for "about a week"...are you keeping track?! Again, this was to be the girls' weekend to stay the night (the third one she has canceled/postponed...again, are you keeping track?!) I am scheduled to work on Saturday and Sunday and the teen has a conference in the morning on Saturday. So, the little one was to spend the weekend there, the teen could do whatever she wanted and all was going to be well. Oh, I should know better than to have "best laid plans". In the next breath, she said that their mom would move into a bigger place when she gets back and then they will go home "by May". She said she was excited about this. I had many emotions and none of them was "excitement"...but that is that and it isn't over until it is over. I wish my agency worker wasn't on vacation :(

Okay, now for the toe part of this post ;)

I have horrible bunions.

Thankfully, the bunions rarely hurt.

This toenail, however, definitely hurt...

and was oozing nasty stuff for about 5 days...

until I went to the doctor on Tuesday.

So, today, I removed the nail polish,

went to the doctor, and had a portion of my toe nail removed.

They wrapped it really nicely for me :)

(The additional Band-aid is from the woman who watched the little one for me :) )

I have now changed it to a smaller bandage. I tried taking a picture of "the finished product" when I changed it, but none of them turned out (are you breathing a sigh of relief?! ;) ) I've been taking ibuprofen and tylenol since I'm a complete baby, but that is helping. They did two nerve blocks and then some additional numbing and I survived with music, deep breathing, and a little bit of conversation. I did ask to keep the nail...at least for a day or two ;) The nail was grown really far into my skin and had sharp edges which was what caused the inflammation and draining. They killed that part of the nail bed so it will not (or should not) grow back.

And that, my friends, was my excitement for the day.

Good night.

10 Months

Ten months ago today, two amazing girls made me a mom, something I have wanted to be my entire life. These ten months have brought more love and laughter (and hugs and kisses) than I could have imagined. Of course, there have been tears and frustrations too. We continue to live in the land of unknowns with our lives in other peoples' hands, but we are enjoying each moment we have together. There have been trips to the zoo, the children's museum, and the park. There have been baseball games, homecoming, and a college fair. There have been movies, plays, and family dinners.

To have witnessed how much these girls have grown and changed in these ten months is awesome. The little one has further developed her personality. The teen has vastly improved her confidence and her communication skills (among other things). Of course, I have grown and changed too. It has been an honor and a privilege to be a part of these girls' life during this time. Whenever this time comes to an end, I know that they will remain a part of me, and I a part of them. In the mean time, I am determined to make each day count and not take anything for granted.

I love them. I am so blessed. Happy 10 months :)
Speaking of 10s...yesterday was the teen's Sophomore talent show, so I pulled out the t-shirt from MY Sophomore talent show (since I'm a dork like that). I got weighed at the doctor today (having a toenail procedure on Thursday...stay tuned) and have lost 10 pounds in these 10 months making my weight the lowest it has been since I WAS in 10th grade...not sure how it happened, but I'm actually starting to be able to notice it and that is nice :)

Hmm...

Little one staying the night at her mom's. Teen on an out of town school trip. I went to dinner/ice cream with "ice skating boy"...I believe this is "date #6" (plus texting a couple time a week). I need to pick up the teen in 10 minutes, so this has to be short. But, how come when I'm at home, I think about going out with him, think about that "first kiss", and then we go out and the thought is there, but the "desire" (the physical part of the "relationship" I mean) isn't so much. I guess maybe I'm just not ready to "go there" with SO many other things going on (the situation with the girls is more good than bad, but still very uncertain and some days are VERY frustrating, many lately have been quite emotional too...) But, the poor guy...thankfully, it seems he's a "keeper" since he's willing to stick with me through my craziness...or, at least he's willing to for now. We had a good time, good conversation, good food, good drinks...and hopefully will do it again.

Good night.

April 3, 10:15 PM update...my sister texted me after I wrote this if we had our first kiss. I responded "No, I think maybe he was ready, I thought I was, but then I wasn't...oh well, it will happen if/when it is supposed to." She responded "Oh yes if/when :) " I think I'm okay with this...it is what it is and it's better not to do something that I'm not 100% comfortable with (the last guy I "dated" never got a phone call back from me after our first kiss...we don't want THAT to happen!!)


A bit of foster mama drama this weekend, so hopefully I'll have time to blog tomorrow while the little one is at her first day of pre-school/day care (yeah, pretty sure I'll be crying with her ;) )


Good night!

I Love Her

I can't believe it's been a week since I blogged. I'm kinda tired and think I have a sinus infection, so this will be quick (maybe ;) ) I haven't posted many pictures of the teen here (you know, since you're not supposed to post pictures of foster kids), but this week has been "all about her", so I decided to alter a couple to include in "her" post.

She has come SO far in the nearly 10 months she has lived here! I have even seen a difference in this past week and I am constantly reminded of how much I love her, how much I have learned from her, and how blessed I am to have her in my life. Of course, I am also aware of how much of "me" she will take with her when she leaves.

I wish I could post a picture I took back in July. The little one was wearing a dress and wanted them to take pictures together. I took four pictures of them on the front porch and she barely cracked a smile. If you could see the smile on her face in the last pictures posted here from when I took her to a college fair, you wouldn't believe it was the same kid (well, you probably could, but you know what I mean ;) ).

She loves her sister, but she has learned to trust me to do the parenting. She eats dinner with us and does the dinner dishes, but she has learned that cooking dinner for the family is not her responsibility. She talks about going to college. She is proud of her perfect attendance. She often goes before school or stays after school to get help from her teachers. This past week, she has come to me nearly every day to "let" me help her study. She has been responding to my questions, even when I have asked if/when she has talked to her mom (who is out-of-town with her ill parent(s) again). She has been able to come to me to ask for things she wants (I know, that seems weird to encourage, but her coming to me and saying she'd like a hair cut and would like me to take her to buy some shoes with her baby-sitting money and a coupon is really big!)

Thinking about the love I have for her is an amazing feeling, but it rarely comes without tears welling up in my eyes and/or a sickness in my stomach knowing that things will not always be like this. As much as her mom loves her, it's just different. Here in my home and with my family, she has "cheerleaders" who believe in her, enjoy spending time with her, listen to her random stories/facts, and has been encouraged to "be a kid". Sure, in my "mind over matter", I know that this time can never be taken away from her. The love she has received and the role modeling she has witnessed will remain with her forever.

She's the best...and I'm looking forward to spending as many days with her as we are given (and now she's next to me on the couch, so I'd better press publish post and stop crying ;) )

Good night.

This and That

The past few weeks, I have had a number of people ask me if I've lost weight, a couple going so far as to say that I've lost "a lot" of weight. The scale actually does say that I've lost about 10 pounds (give or take 3) in the past 9 months. However, I don't feel "thin" and only sometimes can tell that my clothes fit differently. I thought I'd pull out pictures from last year's church fundraiser and ones from this weekend to compare. Honestly, I still can't really tell from pictures, but will admit that it's nice having a waist ;) (thank you thirty pound 3 1/2 year old who likes to be carried ;) )

I did have fun at the fundraiser with my parents. I didn't invite "ice skating boy" since we were/are mostly just "texting" a couple of times a week. I did go out with him again last week (Date #5??) and we went to a concert (so as not to give away my location accidentally, I can't say who we saw, but it was C-razy, and not at all who you'd expect me to see ;) ) Even in text messages, he makes me laugh and we did have fun hanging out just the two of us people watching and enjoying the music. 

Yesterday, I had an unexpected day off, so I met my sister and nephew at a place with workout equipment for kids. The little one spent most of the time on the rings, not on the trampoline, but this picture doesn't show her face. My nephew just got his hair cut and he looks like a little boy! I'm researching day care/pre-school for the little one because she still isn't getting the play with other kids memo like she should. After last week when she just cried when I tried to put her in a room with three kids and preferred staring at the wall, I decided enough is enough. She is doing very well after her transition to her own room (still half my junk room, but her side looks nice!) The teen hasn't said anything about the move, but I think she will like that neither of us really need to go into her room for anything.

Speaking of the teen, she is getting excited about an out-of-town school trip she gets to take and an FBLA conference she gets to attend. She keeps telling me about future plans and it seems like she is planning things as if she will be with me forever, which is cool, but also sad. She wants me to take her to a college baseball game and campus tour. After another homework "zero" and a weekend of "matter of fact" telling me she was going to fail her quizzes/tests yesterday, I told her last night that I want to bring her, but she's going to have to do something about her attitude and grades. She cried, said I always jump to conclusions, and to forget about it. Today, I read this post by Julia-Kate and this one by Alece. I was reminded me once again how lucky I am that I don't have any trouble crying and also that the teen's "I'm fine" and difficulty in clearly defining/expressing her feelings isn't surprising since it's hard for grown women too! Perfect timing on those posts, that's for sure. Tonight, after a number of deep breaths and conversation practicing, the teen had me pause the TV so she could talk to me. With tears in her eyes, she said she owed me an apology for her behavior, that she wants me to take her to the baseball game, and she will do what she needs to do for her classes. I praised her for her "bravery" (courage would have been a better word, but whatever ;) ) and told her that I love her and wouldn't expect anything I didn't know she could do. I reminded her that her teachers and I are here to help her be successful. She didn't say anything else, but did acknowledge that she knows I love her and allowed me to give her a hug (as she stuck a tissue to her "booger nose" ;) ).

I think she may want me to help her with something before we go to bed, so I ought to wrap this up, but that's what's going on in these parts ;)

Good night.

Because it's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted any pictures, mostly because I haven't taken very many lately! However, I thought it was time :) The first couple are from my cousin's baby shower. The rest are from a trip to the park and one to the zoo. They are both growing up and so much fun! Enjoy.

P.S. The purple hat was made by my friend Ginger. She also made an owl one that is absolutely adorable as well! :) Feel free to visit her shop! 

Checking In

Just in case there is anyone who reads this who is worried about me, I decided I ought to at least post something to say I'm okay. I have a post in my head called "Taking Care of Me" (or something along those lines). So far, that's going pretty well ;) I have been too busy to "blog" and still haven't finished a lot of things I need to/want to get accomplished, but things have been better.

Hopefully I'll have a new blog post soon :)
Good night.

Not Sure What Just Happened

So, I've been debating on what, if anything, to say to the teen in regards to her third quarter effort/grades. It appeared that her effort wasn't quite there and the D's/F's/zeros on homework, quizzes, and tests left me wondering what was happening. I know she spent more time at her mom's during that time, but this girl has GOALS and it just didn't make sense. However, at one time she said that I was stressing her out about grades, even though I had only told her to try her best and get help when she needs it, and also that I was here to help her. So, I have backed off and pretty much let her do her thing (kind of...I still ask every day if her homework is done, if she has quizzes/tests the next day, and if she needs help studying). I didn't want her to think that I didn't care and THAT was why I didn't address her grades, but I also didn't want her to think I was freaking out about her grades (because her final quarter grades were B's and C's, they just would have been better had she not had so many D's, F's, and zeros).

It's been an internal struggle for weeks and I finally decided I would say something...tonight.

I set the stage in what I thought would be a pleasant conversation where I would be the one in tears, not her. I was hoping my approach would give her an opportunity to speak and share her thoughts on what happened and give me some direction on what she would like me to do.

The conversation started out okay. I told her she has lived her a long time (9 months) and I know I am not her mom. I asked her if she knew how much I cared about her and if she knew I loved her...she nodded yes. I told her that I care so much about her and when she hurts, I hurt (I wrote a post about that) and that I am so very proud of her. Then, I went to the point of what happened 3rd quarter with those grades since they were so unlike her. I reminded her that she told me at the beginning of the quarter she wanted to get better grades this semester and how often she talks about college. I told her that certain things she can control, like homework grades and asking for help, and agree that some things are just harder for her and maybe C's and D's are her best...

I'm not sure at what point she went into her wall up, withdrawn, I'm not going to look at you or talk to you mode, but that's where we ended up. And then the tears started to fall (hers, not mine this time).

So, then it was just me talking to her and her not responding. I asked her if she thought I was disappointed in her, and assured her that most definitely was not the case. I asked if she was disappointed in herself, and told her she really shouldn't be. She wouldn't respond to anything, so I just kept talking and told her again how proud I am of her, that I am here to help her reach her goals, that she is so very special to me and I want the best for her...and she continued to cry.

I asked if she wanted to be left alone, she shook her head yes and is watching her favorite show.

I told her that my goal of that conversation was not to make her cry and I had no clue that was going to happen. It wasn't meant to be a tough conversation, but she does need to learn how to deal with them in a manner other than shutting down because that doesn't work so well when you are a "grown up". I just heard her make a sound at the TV, so maybe I'll see if she has anything to say...probably not, but worth a shot!

I have the next three days off and I'm hoping to get some things done around the house (since I don't have to deal with their mom-yay! ;) )

Good night.

Holy Hormones

It's just after 10:00 and I am SO tired, but feel I need to write this down (some of it anyway!) It has been a rough week. I've been really stressed out and also emotional. I have been feeling like I am juggling so many things (and I really don't know how to juggle). I'm trying to do what's right for the girls, but dealing with their mom and the way she deals with certain things has brought me to tears more than once this week. I'm feeling like I'm the one "in charge", even if I'm really not. It seems like I'm the one coordinating visits and "everything" because I'm talking to their mom and to the service coordinator, but they don't really talk to each other. So, I'm the "middle man", and it is starting to be too much. I have been told by the service coordinator more than once that I don't need to be doing all that I'm doing to accommodate their mom so visits can occur. However, I feel responsible for helping make the transition as smooth as possible, whenever that is to happen. If they are planning to just send the kids home as soon as she has adequate housing, I think they should have at least SOMEWHAT regular visits with their mom (and siblings). The times when I have left communication in the hands of their mom, she either doesn't communicate with me or blames me for the lack of communication, even though the phone does go both ways. The hard part for me is having the teenager. I love her, but anything that is said to her mom will come back to her and vice versa. (I guess I'm going to have to put on my "big girl pants" and be honest with the teen that I can no longer cater to their mom the way I have been...only maybe not using those words.)

That's just a small bit of what's been going on this week. I've been an emotional roller coaster and really stressed out...and then came today.

I was at work today and for over six of my twelve hours, I could not stop crying. Pretty much any time I opened my mouth to talk, I ended up in tears. It wasn't an overly stressful day patient acuity wise. I was working with really great co-workers. I didn't think I was thinking about the girls and the stress from this week. I just couldn't stop crying. Now, I've cried at work before (I used to cry at work a lot...named "the crier" ;) ), but it has been a while. Usually, it's if I haven't had time to eat. Today, I didn't have time to have breakfast and my lunch was a little late, but the tears didn't even seem to correlate with that. My only explanation is hormones. And holy hormones! Wow. Since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD), I was given a prescription for progesterone. I'm supposed to take it for the 10 days when my body is supposed to be making progesterone but doesn't. I'm in the second cycle of doing this, but thought I started taking it a little early. I wasn't sure what would happen if I took it early, but I didn't want to wait too long. I talked to a nurse at the office and she said it wouldn't hurt me, but I'm not sure I believe her. I think I may call again tomorrow because today was just ridiculous. I don't know if this is my body's reaction to having something it's never had before since my progesterone has always been low or what the deal is. What I do know is that I don't want to have one of these days ever again! Thankfully, I worked with some great nurses who picked up the slack when I couldn't do much and were great at balancing when to listen, when to talk, and when to leave me alone. They knew what to do with me when I didn't even know what to do with myself (yay nurses!)

I texted the girls' mom to see if she was okay ending Sunday's visit early so I could take them to the local children's theater. We talked about it yesterday, but she didn't give me a final answer. That was when she told me she was going out of town to care for her sick/dying parents. I told the teen and she said she knew their mom was leaving, so I'm not sure why their mom continued to have us all arrange transportation and visits for her this weekend...annoying! I'm wondering at what point she would have told me since the little one was going to go tomorrow at 9 (picked up by a transportation worker) and I was going to bring the teen there on Saturday for the night. I think her being gone is an answer to a prayer I didn't know I was saying. I really needed to take a break from talking to her next week, at least taking a break from initiating the communication. It will be easier to do that when she is out-of-town. (The service coordinator is looking forward to a break too ;) ) I'm sorry her parents are sick, I'm a little disappointed I don't have my Saturday night free, but overall, this "trip" is coming at the perfect time.

I'm wondering now if some of the stress from this week was made worse by hormones because I seemed to have a harder time dealing with issues. It could also be that dealing with everything for so long (almost 9 months) has started to catch up with me.

I am scheduled to work again tomorrow, so am heading to bed. I'm first to be "forced off" for low census. I think I'd be okay with that, other than the fact it is the last day of the student nurse I have been precepting. However, I have talked to her and she'll be okay without me.

Time for bed. All that crying has worn me out big time!
Good night.

Where To Begin

It's been nearly a week since I posted anything, so I figured I should write something in case anyone wonders if I'm okay ;)

Things are crazy busy and I have no idea where the time goes. I had yesterday off and really wanted to finish up some stuff I have left to do since before Christmas (you know, like send thank-yous and a couple of gifts...yeah, I'm doing THAT badly these day!) My aunt has been going through breast cancer treatment since November. I bought her a card and still haven't sent it (or talked to her). I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom's parents, but I did buy them a Valentine's Day card. I feel like I can't "RSVP" to anything because of this roller coaster ride I am experiencing. I suppose this is what it's like to have kids and I do love being a mom, but man, some days it is just out of control!

All of us are dealing with the effects of the "transition" that really isn't a "transition" at all because it is going no where. Being at a stand still, living in limbo, lots of unknowns, has affected all of us differently. The little one is clingy and cries/wants to be held any time I tell her she can't do something, when she doesn't want to wake up, when she doesn't want to go to sleep...some days are better than others (today was a good day...yay!) Granted, I know she is still better than a lot of 3-year-olds, but this behavior change is obviously her dealing with all of the changes (and isn't fun for any of us!)

The teen's grades have REALLY slipped this quarter. Her effort also seems to be lacking, although just now she let me quiz her for her biology test and she told me yesterday about some "study tips" she found on the internet that she is going to use next quarter. She missed turning in a number of assignments and I think her test average across her 7 classes is a D. She is currently "passing" all but one class, but I think she could do so much better. I've been really struggling with how to address this, especially since I have no clue when she is going home. She IS passing, and I have told her that I am more concerned with her effort than her actual grades. I know I need to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what to say or when. She should get her report card later this week or early next week, so that could be the time. I am going to try and put in on her to talk about what happened this quarter, but she isn't really a "talker" when it comes to that kind of stuff and very good at putting up a wall. Hopefully I can find a good approach to make her willing to share what's going on. I gather a lot has to do with the fact she has spent two weekends at her mom's, her mom has flaked on a couple of visits, never calls her (except to make her feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends without talking to her first), and no one can tell her when exactly she will be reunited with her family. Basically, there is a lot going on and I don't want to "add fuel to the fire" by saying something the wrong way.

Needless to say, all of this has left me pretty stressed. I'm hardly at home and when I am, I am making phone calls trying to figure out visitation, transportation, and where to send the girls if their mom cancels. I worked Friday and Saturday, and of course those are "visit days"...or are they?! I hadn't heard from their mom all week until Friday morning when she texts that she hadn't heard from me. She never talked to me to arrange transportation, so the little one went to my sister's, the teen stayed at home, and I was at work. Sorry, can't help you. That's when she was freaking out about the teen actually wanting to go out with friends and called her for like the first time in forever to "talk to her about it". I tried to arrange transportation for the teen to go to the movie with friends (she couldn't stay the night though and I think she was feeling a bit awkward about that). However, at the first chance she had to back out, she took it and said she'd go to her mom's on Saturday. Of course, their mom texted me early Saturday morning (while I was at work) to say she couldn't come get them. Sorry, I can't help you because I'm at WORK! So, she's mad at me for not communicating and then upset that I can't help her...good times. So, both girls went to my sister's and the teen didn't go to the movie since she'd already told her friends she couldn't.

Wow, this sounds like a whole lotta complaining and a whole lotta jibberish, but I do feel better and this is my journal ;)

Overall, I guess I'd say things are still really good. I love these girls and I think that's what makes it hard. I just want what's best for them and some days I have a hard time seeing that happening. I know that these nearly 9 months have changed all of us for the better. I have witnessed progress in the teen. I have watched the little one grow a personality and learn lots of new things. I am a stronger (and "lighter"...people have been commenting even though I still can barely see the 8-11 pounds I've lost) person than I was. I am a better communicator (I think) and more flexible. I have definitely gotten closer to my own family and love being a parent.

Even though I never wrote my "One Word" post, I planned to use the word "trust" (I think...I never made a "commitment" which was another idea ;) ). Even though I have not been very good at making quiet, reflective time for me lately, at the end of the day, I know I need to trust God and His plan for me and the girls. I trusted Him to bring the "perfect kids" and He definitely delivered there :)

Okay, enough rambling. I need to bring my computer in for a couple of days (super annoying since I bought a Mac in hopes of not having troubles!) and maybe that will push me to make better use of my time.

Good night.