Power and Control

First off, I'm fairly certain that this is my 900th post. Wow! "Fairly certain" because in my dashboard, it says 898 when I am on "all" posts and 899 when I click on "published" posts. 100 posts in 2007 + 345 posts in 2008 + 259 posts in 2009 + 179 posts in 2010, and 16 posts so far this year added up to 899 the three times I did it. So, we shall go with this is my 900th post. Amazing...especially since the blog's called "Do I have anything to say?" Ha!

Anyway, this weekend was rough. It was the second weekend the girls spent at their mom's. I managed to put together a post on Friday night and the rest of the weekend was equally as tough (even though I worked 12+ hours both days). (I did have good conversation, good food, and a good drink when I went out on Friday night :) )

I will admit that I may talk about foster mom things more than I probably should, but mostly because people are curious about how things work and how I am doing, how much longer I will have the girls, etc. I'm not doing so great, actually. Talking about it does help and I do believe I am careful about disclosing anything that could get me into trouble.

My student nurse actually said something yesterday that kind of put into words what I'm feeling, and she didn't even mean to. Right now, things are SO crazy back and forth and it appears no one has a "plan" and I am given little/no direction. The service coordinator admitted she doesn't want to return my phone calls because she is about as frustrated with things as I am...gee thanks. My (amazing) agency worker is on medical leave for two weeks, and while someone is covering for her, she will not have a clue what is going on either (since none of us do!) Right now, the girls pretty much get visits whenever I make them happen. The only specific direction I have is that they are to spend every other weekend (Friday-Sunday) at their mom's place. Their mom doesn't call (or text) and ask for visits. She does not arrange transportation. She does not call to check on the girls on days they do not have visits. The only time she communicates with me is when I initiate it.

In some respect, I like the control. I like being able to say that I want them with me at this or that time because I can, and she doesn't argue. I like that if I never wanted to bring them to her, then she doesn't really have any room to complain because she is putting forth zero effort. I like that we have been mostly able to stick to the routine that we have had for the past 8 1/2 months where the little one goes to my sister's on the days I work and my mom takes the teen to school. On my days off, I hang out with the little one. The teen gets to and from school without problems. The little one gets her naps and goes to bed at a "decent" hour. They eat healthy food (most of the time ;) ) and I share my home with  two amazing girls.

So, a part of me just wants to keep them with me at all times unless their mom asks for them, or arranges for them to get to her. I'm in control, so I really could do just that.

However, with the control comes the power. I do not like having "the power". In fact, dealing with the stress of having the power is what has brought me to tears the past two days. I'm feeling like I have "free reign" to do as I please, but am running in circles trying to do what is best for everyone because the weight on creating a successful reunification rests on my shoulders.

Granted, it may not ACTUALLY rest on my shoulders, but it sure does feel like it and is very stressful. The State may or may not make a transition plan when their mom secures adequate housing. I have heard that as soon as that happens, they will go home. I don't think that is a good idea for anyone. Since this may be the only type of transition that is going to take place, I feel like I owe it to the girls, and their mom, to transition them. Their mom, however, does not believe she needs one and just wants her kids back (all five of them, all at once). So, getting her to ask for time with her kids isn't something that is going to happen. It didn't seem to bother her that she saw them eight times in December and about that same number of times in January.

Every time I have tried to put some sort of responsibility on their mom, she has failed to deliver. Just yesterday, the teen wanted to get back to my house earlier than 8:30 PM when I picked her up after work so she could do laundry and get organized for the week. Her mom did not manage to find any way to get her back to my house, even though our homes are only 4 miles apart. How disappointing to not be able to count on your mom for something as simple as that on a Sunday afternoon. How in the world is she going to manage her five kids if she can't even do that? How will the teen get to and from school? Their mom also didn't tell me until 6:00 last night that the little one was not staying another night as we had initially planned. I understand her reason why, but it would have been nice to know that.

Okay, back to power...since "the plan" is in my hands and their mom seems to be "ok" with part-time parenthood, I'm going to have to "force" the little one on her. I really don't want to do that because it will be hard on the little one, the teen, and me, but their mom HAS to get used to having a 3-year-old around all the time. She's a much different kid than she was 8 1/2 months ago, let alone the 14 1/2 months it has been since she was in her care. It won't do anyone any good for her to go back to her mom barely knowing her. It seems the teen was the primary caregiver, so it is also important for her to come to trust her siblings in the care of her mom.

I really was a wreck this morning feeling like I had no direction and the weight of the world on my shoulders. It felt like I can make or break this transition which felt awful. I talked to my dad and he helped me see what I need to do. So, I have to talk to the service coordinator tomorrow, and also to their mom, and hopefully it works. "His" plan involves me bringing the little one there and leaving her for a week (or more). I'm not sure anyone on the "outside" believes she will actually keep her for an entire week by herself, but we won't know unless we ask her to do it. It will be a quiet week around here, but I do want to do what is best...for all of us, including their mom.

Control is one thing, power is another. I'm working toward being "ok" having the power...or maybe just handing it over to someone else ;)

Evening update: I talked to the service coordinator (I decided I was going to leave her another message since the first one I was near tears and wanted to leave a calmer message and was [pleasantly] surprised that she answered). Basically, she told me that their mom is who she is and is going to do what she does and I need to stop making her stress me out. Easier said than done because I care about other people/want to bring out the best in them/look for the best in them...see my multiple references to being an "ENFJ". However, she did also say that she is going to try to take me out of the equation for some of this. There will be a "family team meeting" on Wednesday and neither the teen nor I will be there. I'd like to be a fly on the wall, but I'm definitely glad I won't be there. The service coordinator now knows that their mom has non-background-checked people bringing them places which has been going on for MONTHS, but will likely be addressed at this meeting. Also, she is going to arrange all transportation through the agency so that pressure will no longer be on me and their mom will not be able to have less of an opportunity to take advantage of my kindness. I'm not sure this will solve all the problems, or any of them for that matter, but I definitely feel much better now than I did when I got up this morning.


I brought the teen to see her counselor without any issues. She talked to me about some school-related things afterwards and I was able to share with her that I thought she should try harder in Spanish. I've been debating on saying anything since all I've said is I want her to try hard and not worry too much about the actual grade. However, she has gotten D's on all of her Spanish tests and A+'s on all/most of the homework/in class participation/listening quizzes. So, she totally could have a B in the class if she had at least PASSED her tests...and she would likely have passed them had she studied at all for them. She seemed receptive to my comments, although she did have some excuses. I suppose excuses are better than getting defensive and/or withdrawing! It sounds like she will have therapy again in a couple of weeks. Her mom has not been at all receptive to family therapy, as in refusing to return/answer the therapists calls, so at least the teen is willing to do individual counseling until that happens.


The little one had a fun day and I think she got more cute during the four days she was gone...I'm totally not biased ;) I think she wants to play princesses or something, so I'd better check on that, but there's the evening update :)