Recovering

I decided that I should post SOMETHING so that this post is no longer my latest one. This week actually did get better, mostly because the teen was MUCH less stressed, even acting quite silly and really super chatty (even when I was trying to read blog posts or watch a show...beggars can't be choosers, right?!) She did end up failing her biology test yesterday, even though she had been going to all the study sessions, studied herself, AND I quizzed her multiple times. Her teacher let her come after school and re-take a portion orally and she ended up with a B. She has not gotten her last World History test back, but I hope she did well. However, I wonder if not understanding the questions when she reads them has been her issue with all of the tests she got low scores on. I haven't talked to the Student Advocate or to her advisor, although I did put a call in to her and we may "chat" tomorrow.

The little one had her 3-year check up this morning. Even though I told her mom about it and reminded her yesterday, it didn't work for her to come. I did talk her mom into letting her get a flu shot because I think they are important. She also got a finger stick for a blood count and lead check. She did really well and actually freaked out more when I tried to get her to pee in a cup before the appointment even started. She had accidents four times in a week and I am pretty sure it is behavioral, but figured if I could get a sample, it would be worth checking to make sure she didn't have a UTI. That was a definite "no go". She weighs just over 28 pounds and is 36 inches tall. All they gave me was the computer print-out of the curve which was hard to see, but it is around 25% for both. Definitely crazy considering how much she eats, but at least I give her healthy foods for the most part...not sure that's the case when she's with her mom, but nothing I can do about that.

I went and saw "my" Spiritual Director after her appointment and she did SO well there, even though we talked for a long time! We had a really good conversation and I realized how often I really DO feel God's presence during this time I have had with the girls. Even though the transition back to home will be rough, I know that their time with me is special, no matter how long it ends up being. God has placed some super amazing people in my life who I know will be there with me and for me when that time comes, just as they have been there in the past. I've definitely been asking Him for words of wisdom during the conversations I've been having with the teen (and the ones I've had with their mom...I definitely need to choose my words carefully!) and so far don't think I've said anything I really regret.

The little one took a good nap, then we picked up the teen from school. She decided to skip the visit with her mom and go to a football game with her friends. She later called to see if she could go to a dance too. I said sure, but it doesn't get over until midnight, so I made her promise to wake me up when she gets home. I would try to stay awake, but I work at 7 and I don't do that great on little sleep! I'm excited to hear all about it, but hopefully she isn't TOO ready to talk at 12:30 or whenever she gets home! That change in plans did change everything though since I was scheduled to work at the pumpkin patch from 5-8:30 and drop off was to be at 8:30. If BOTH girls were being dropped off, it would be fine if no one was here because I trust the teen. However, the little one can't be here by herself ;) So, my parents came to my house to get her from the visit and all worked out, but it definitely was crazy trying to get that all figured out when I picked her up at 4 and needed to leave for work by 4:15!

The visits were changed to Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with the mom/mom's aunt doing all of the transportation. It isn't ideal that the pick up and drop off are at my house, but it was the best option given to me. I didn't want my sister to have to bring them to and from a neutral location (and meet their mom if she didn't feel comfortable with that). I got a little concerned about it today because I really don't want her to come in my house while I'm not here (probably not even if I WAS here!), but will have to figure out a tactful way of telling the teen.

The downside of this week is that my mom's sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. One of her other sisters (she has five of them) was diagnosed and treated three years ago, but apparently this is a different kind. It's scary to think about, but I'm not sure I'd want to go through genetic testing if it was offered.... She was just diagnosed, so I'm not sure what she will do. My other aunt opted to do a double mastectomy, even though the cancer was only found in one breast.

Well, there's an update...I'm falling asleep at my computer which is just crazy since I did take a bit of a nap earlier. I'm not sure why I'm so tired these days since I believe I'm getting enough sleep, but I'll definitely take sleep whenever I can get it ;)

Good night.

Feeling Weary

I wish I had had time to write this post days ago, when the weariness had just begun, before I reached the point that I can no longer keep the tears from falling. I'm tired. Mostly emotionally, but physically too...

I can't believe it's been nearly a week since I blogged, so I guess I should rewind a bit. I'm not exactly sure when things began to go in a downward spiral, but maybe I should start from where I left off.

Friday, the teenager did not have school and my aunt had planned a bonfire for the pumpkin patch where I was also working. So, I decided it would be fun for the three of us to go, then they could stay with my family or walk around while I worked since I was just scheduled 5-8:30. The teen was already stressing Thursday night about her English outline that was due on Monday and all her other homework. However, I was going to (attempt) to "force" her to come with us whether she wanted to or not because it was a "family deal". It ended up working out that her best friend could come with us, so it was nice I didn't have to fully convince her it was a good idea.

She had a great time while we were there (and the little one did amazingly well without a nap even though we were there from 2-9:30!) However, when we got home, she went straight into stress mode. I reminded her that when she's 30, she will remember going to the pumpkin patch with her best friend and little sister, not staying home working on her English homework. Yes, I was a straight-A student, but one of my "regrets" is not having a little bit more fun outside of school. But, I talked to her about what exactly an outline is and the purpose of it. Okay, talked at her may be a more appropriate description of the talking at a brick wall I was doing...

I received a note from the "Student Advocate" letting me know that the teen was placed in a mandatory after school study session for biology since she failed her last exam. I was already aware of this since she  told me right away. However, the letter said it was due to her "not working up to her potential". Well, that sent me into "Mother Hen mode". It was like a slap in the face because she tries SO hard, I've been telling her for weeks how proud I am of her effort, and I study with her every single day. I was at a loss for words, although I did manage to send her a lengthy, rather emotional, email Saturday evening. This girl needs HELP, help that I'm not able to give her. She has been talking to her teachers, getting help from me, and doing pretty much nothing besides homework and study.

Sunday, I was scheduled to work, but was forced off yet again. It actually worked out okay since my dad was going to bring the girls to their mom and she called two minutes before he was to drop them off to let me know she wasn't home. Fabulous. Also, even though Saturday night, I had spent over an hour brainstorming a rough outline with the teenager, she still didn't get it. So, Sunday entailed six (or eight) hours of straight working on the outline with her asking me questions/getting reinforcement every few minutes. I couldn't get anything else done, so was glad the little one took an over 3 hour nap. She just couldn't wrap her mind about how it worked, nor does she have a good grasp of grammar/spelling/sentence structure. She spent hours and hours working on it, but if you didn't know it, you likely wouldn't have believed it. By 11:30, she was spent, and so was I. She wasn't even completely finished at that time. I can't even imagine how frustrated she was and how discouraging that must feel to seriously have no clue how to do these things because it was stressful (and emotional) enough for me to watch.

Yesterday, I went to work and was thankful for a nice, slow day that wasn't filled with emotionally draining patients (as if a four-year-old with cancer and a thirteen-year-old who had severe head trauma from a bike accident aren't emotional...). I sent an email to the teen's English teacher letting her know how much time was put into the outline that was turned in. I received a nice email response from her letting me know that she is well aware of the effort and that M has been going in for extra help quite often. She offered to pass my email on to the other teachers. I also received an email response from her advisor since I had sent an email to her last week. She is also one of M's teachers and offered to let her take the test Monday instead of Friday so M can focus on her Biology test. She is going to continue to offer support to M which is great. The student advocate also emailed me back and apologized for the wording stating it was sort of a form letter. She stated she was aware that M needs extra help, but didn't EXACTLY say what she was going to do about it. However, the combination of the three emails did make me feel better, although a few days of stewing about it definitely didn't help my emotional state.

Last night, the teen actually appeared slightly less stressed for some reason, but it was definitely a breath of fresh air after the intensity of the previous days.

Good thing I had that "break" because today was not-so-stellar. I think it was the culmination of everything rather than one specific thing that sent me over the edge, but it was not pretty...

I brought the little one to her mom at 8:30. I was looking forward to working on my September foster parent report (I kept quite the log with all of the he said/she said that went on during that time) and just relaxing, and hopefully getting an appointment to see my counselor. However, somehow the morning got away from me (I did go let my sister put some color in my hair which was much needed and I feel a LOT better in the hair-do department which is nice :) ). Everything was taking me longer than expected and I ended up having to go through the drive-thru on the way to my 2:00 appointment (and I got a shake...much needed!)

One thing that held me up was an "innocent" call to the agency that has been providing transportation to let them know they only needed to pick up the teen and they could be brought back to my house. I was informed they they just found out they were no longer providing transportation and I just about lost it. Seriously, right then? Today? When we have a family team meeting tomorrow? And no one decided to call and let me know about the change? So...apparently, I for sure would need to pick up the little one, and possibly have to do a "round trip" with the teen so she could see her mom today too...so much for my evening alone.

I went to my appointment and the service coordinator returned my call while I was there. I just lost it and started bawling. I understand that the mom needs to take responsibility for transportation, but really, the only people that were hurt/affected by the change today was me and the girls. Would it have been SO hard to continue the visit today as usual and discuss the changes tomorrow as a group?? I just didn't understand why I was the one who had to deal with the fall-out from this decision when I'M the one taking care of the kids!

Plus, I seriously needed tonight, I really did. I love these girls with all my heart and LOVE that the teen is willing to ask for help and talk to me, but I needed a break. My mind needed a break from high school homework for a little while. I needed to write a blog post so maybe the tears wouldn't have come and then decide to stick around for a while. I needed a nap or something so I wouldn't snap at the little one for eating with her fingers or get irritated with the teen for not listening when I was trying to help her with her algebra.

And, I've been working on this post for two hours...in between helping with algebra.

Oh, and the little one never got a nap today and her mom took her all over the place. I didn't give her a nap on Friday, so understand and was definitely lucky she wasn't crabbier than she was. However, both last night and tonight, she cried for her mom at bedtime (and also for her sister). She hasn't cried for her sister at bedtime in MONTHS and I can't remember her crying for her mom before.

Well, it's late, but thankfully the teen has a late start, so I may be able to sleep in a little bit. I suggested going out for breakfast, so maybe we will do that...I think the teen and I both need an "outing" :)

Good night.

Preparing My Heart

I couldn't really think of a better title, but guess this one works. The past two days have been quiet around here without any kids OR any plans. However, today I picked the little one up at 3:30, so it wasn't as long as yesterday. Their mom mentioned something to me about arranging new housing which she seemed to think was the only thing standing in the way of getting her kids back. I'm not sure if that is or is not the case, but the time is coming when she will and I suppose I ought to start preparing my heart. The teen was quick to tell me all about talking to her Biology teacher today, starting to go to sessions after school, and possibly getting a peer tutor. It is awesome that very often she IS free with what she tells me and doesn't appear to hide things from me...except, of course, when it comes to her feelings. I'm praying that I'll be able to make some sort of progress there, or that SOMEONE can, before she transitions back to home. While I don't think she necessarily wants to stay with me, I DO think that she is worried/concerned/anxious/scared about what is going to happen when she goes home. I'm not sure how to approach that sort of conversation, so am praying for wisdom and the right moment.

The title fits with this situation, but also for something completely different. This could be a little "TMI"...you've been warned ;) I've been seeing what I suppose you could call a "fertility specialist" since the beginning of June. I have had irregular periods probably "forever"...except for the few years I took birth control pills to regulate it. I stopped taking them years ago because I wasn't "worried" about getting pregnant and decided my body didn't need extra hormones/chemicals for "no reason". Basically, I wasn't really worried about it and just "dealt" with my period whenever it decided to come, but not really paying THAT much attention to if it did or did not come. It worked for me since I had no reason to monitor skipped periods for pregnancy or anything like that.

However, I decided for my health and possible FUTURE plans of wanting to become pregnant, I decided I should start to monitor things more closely. I found a place that specializes in things like this that is local (if anyone reads this and wants more information, let me know, but anything more specific would send more clues about where I live) and started seeing someone there in June. After a few weeks of monitoring my cycle, I first heard the words "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" as a possible cause of the irregular cycles. I "googled" it, read the symptoms, and kind of blew it off as something I did NOT have. My cycles continued to be irregular and she referred me to the physician who recommended some blood work and an ultrasound. I have not been able to get my blood work because it has to be done during a certain time in the cycle, but went for my ultrasound this morning.

I still didn't think it was possible that I had "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)", but I went there with my full bladder half-way wondering why I was there. I'm a nurse, but I'm NOT good at reading ultrasounds, xrays, CT scans, MRI's... So, when she showed me my uterus, and then my right ovary, I was like "whatever", I can't see anything. The computer froze and shut down when she went to look at the left ovary and had to start all over. I'm like, oh.my.goodness.my.bladder.is.full. but I did okay. She's been doing these for ages so I knew I couldn't read anything on her face and didn't even try. However, I was still super surprised when she was finished and said "I couldn't see your left ovary very well, but your right ovary definitely looks like PCOS." Whoa, whoa, what?! Obviously, she can't diagnose it, but I trust her judgment.

So, what does that mean? I went back to my Mayo Clinic Site and checked it out...and then I called my mom to tell her. The woman at the office told me that it's something you are born with, not something you get. She also said that it ranges in symptoms and severity, like lots of syndromes. When I talked to my mom, I told her that it really isn't that big of a deal, because it isn't like I'm trying to get pregnant (PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility) and it's better to know now than finding out when you're married and have trouble getting pregnant. I'm lucky that right now I don't have any of the other symptoms, although maybe I will blame my "obesity" on the PCOS. I feel like I am in the right place, seeing the right people to manage this "new diagnosis" the best way possible.

I was okay with it (at least initially), wondering if God has been preparing my heart for this sort of "diagnosis". I've had foster care (and adoption) on my heart probably even before I got my first period. A girl at work decided to have a baby "on her own" and people have asked me if I would do the same thing, but my answer was always that I didn't feel I HAD to give birth to a baby for it to be "mine". I will not have to "suffer" through years of infertility not knowing what it wrong because I know before the issue of "family planning" had even entered my mind. I've been healthy my whole life and it isn't like this really is like "the shoe dropping"...right?!

I later found out that it is something that really may need to be treated/handled because there are other complications besides infertility. I won't know for sure what will need to happen/what my options are until I actually meet with the doctor. However, at one point I did tear up thinking about it, likely because of all the "unknowns". But, I am thankful that I feel like I am in the right place for treatment, and also that I know while I'm single and can possible try interventions before I need them, if I so choose.

Well, that's enough about that...and maybe "preparing my heart" wasn't such a great title, but I needed to write about it. It was a lot clearer in my head than what came out here, but it's been quite the day...

Since I picked the little one up earlier in the day today, we went down town to feed the ducks. The swans were swarming and NOT nice at all, so she was super scared. I threw some bread at them and squirted water at a couple of them so they would leave us alone and she would stop crying. We found some nice little ducks in another area to feed. On the way out, she found some flowers and wanted to pose by them. I wish I could post those pictures because she CRACKS me up at the faces she thinks are good poses. Silly girl!

Good night.

Quiet

I brought the teen to school at 7:15 and the 3-year-old to her mom's at 8:30. They didn't come back home until 7:45 tonight. The little one has spent that much time at her mom's on other days, but I think today was the first time I didn't have a TON of other things to do while she was gone.

Being alone in my house felt really strange.

Even though prior to June 5, I had been alone in my house for 3 1/2 years.

I did go to Curves for the first time in four months. I could barely do the circuit...it was really sad! I did, however, lose a couple of inches and maybe half a pound which is nice considering I haven't done any structured workouts in forever! I ended up being there for two hours catching everyone up on what's been going on the past four months. I felt kind of bad talking about myself for that long of a period of time, but I THINK people were interested :)

At home, I was somewhat productive, but at points throughout the day, I just sat and listened to the quiet.  It was actually sort of a bittersweet sound, because I know there will be a day in the not-so-distant future when my home will once again be quiet. However, I did rather enjoy the quiet moments, and decided that is one nice thing about being "mom" to someone else's kids...you can ship them off for a while ;)

I did laundry, some dishes, a little bit of vacuuming, and have a bag of the little one's clothes to give to her mom that are out-of-season or no longer fit. I did sneak in a short nap and mowed the lawn. I made lasagna for the first time, but ate leftovers, so will test it out tomorrow...hopefully it's good!

Last night, I helped the teen study for her Biology test after she reviewed the note cards she had made. I also went through them again with her this morning (after she had reviewed them). It seemed like she knew them pretty well, although I knew there would be a diagram of a cell and I never quizzed her on that. I checked her grades this evening and she received an "F" (as in, a 53% F) I don't know what else to do to help her, but have encouraged her to talk to her teachers (since she has a D in History and nearly a D in Health...and now nearly a D in Biology). She had a meeting with her advisor yesterday and they discussed tutoring, which MAY help, but I've been studying with her a LOT and I'm not sure how much more a peer tutor can do. I just hope that she continues to try and doesn't give up because she isn't getting the results she wants.

She has been doing better with taking charge of the school aspect of her stress by talking to her teachers and her advisor (and also asking me for help). However, I'm still not sure how anyone is going to break through the wall to find out what her family life was like and what she thinks about going back to it. She needs to talk to a counselor, someone completely outside of the situation. But, she has said there is nothing wrong with her, and she's really quiet so I doubt she'd say anything if she was forced into going. I talked to her a little bit about visits with her mom this weekend. It sounded like she was more wanting to stay home and study than go there, but eventually she WILL have to figure out how to get all her work and studying done with her mom and siblings there.

Well, I thought I should write something since it has been a few days. Today was a quiet day and that was nice. I'm hoping to bring the little one to her mom tomorrow as well (although she came back super tired/crabby since I doubt she got a nap). I have a few more things to do tomorrow that I didn't get done today, but I'm mostly hoping for another quiet day :)

Oh, by the way, the girls' mom now has a puppy. She got it from her neighbor since the little one had been wanting a puppy. I found out on Sunday and am completely irritated by the fact that she has no job, no vehicle, no suitable housing for her family, and no custody of her kids...seriously, a dog is the LAST thing she needs. Of course, the little one cried tonight when she had to leave the dog...not her mom, the dog.

Ok, there's my rant (for the hundredth time...sorry fb and twitter friends who already knew about the dog!)

Good night :)

Progress?

I have to make this quick because I've barely been able to keep my eyes open the past TWO hours...craziness! However, I wanted to post something because I have gotten so much love, support, and prayers here on this blog that I think "y'all" deserve an update.

Last night, I decided to talk to the teen again. This time, she kinda sorta looked at me during our "conversation" and the tears fell down her cheeks as I spoke to her. She never said a word, but I knew she was listening. I told her how proud I am of her and that I know how much she cares about other people. She is a caregiver by nature and is always worried about everyone else. I told her that those are GREAT qualities, but she needs to take care of herself too. SHE is important and her needs matter. While she may not get what she wants, she won't know unless she asks. I let her know that, while it is REALLY hard, she can't ALWAYS worry about hurting other people's feelings. I'm not sure what else I said, but it felt like somewhat of a "breakthrough" because not only did my words bring tears to her eyes, she was able to speak to me when our "conversation" was over (I told her that we could be done talking about it unless SHE wanted to talk...and then we watched "Parenthood"...ha!)

This afternoon, the worker from the State came. The caseworker ended up not being able to come at the same time, so she came later. I am SO SO SO proud of the teenager because she actually talked to BOTH of them, even though that had to be extra tough to talk not once, but twice. I'm not sure how deep the conversations went and I left for parts of them (since they are supposed to meet with her alone), but it appeared that there was little-to-no silence. In the past, she has spoken very little to them, sometimes actually appearing rather rude and refusing to even answer direct questions. So, the fact that she was even engaging in possible superficial conversations is a huge step. The State worker said he would call me next week to fill me in on what was said during their "private" conversation.

I asked the caseworker what would happen if she actually DID come out and say she didn't want to go home. She wasn't exactly sure, but I suppose a decision like that could potentially mean separating from her entire family (since I can't imagine her mom would be happy to hear she didn't want to come home and could do whatever she wanted to make her life miserable for choosing that...sad, but likely true). I still think it's important for her to speak up and voice her concerns and worries about going home (IF she has them) and how her life will change when that happens.

Another "progress" is that I offered to take both girls to their mom after the workers left (that was when I thought they were coming at the same time). The teenager told me that she really needed to clean her room and had homework to do, so she would just see her mom tomorrow. I called her mom to let her know that I would bring the little one, but the teenager would see her tomorrow. I am REALLY proud of her for being able to say "no" to a visit...I know that eventually she will have to face her mom, but it's a big step to be able to say that it doesn't work for her. As it turned out, I didn't bring the little one to her mom either since when I called back, mom wasn't feeling well and thought she was likely contagious with a respiratory illness. I decided that the little one didn't need to be exposed to that (mom acted like she didn't want her to come anyway, but WOULD take her, blah blah...so, I suppose I'll say it was MY decision not to take her). During that conversation, mom said that she wanted the teenager to call her so "they could talk about what 'other' plans she had for this afternoon/evening". I told the teen her mom wanted her to call her later (and reminded her at least twice, if not three times...I don't think she ever DID call her!) I can't believe I said this, but I ACTUALLY said "I know she's your mom, but don't let her make you feel bad."

Today, it seemed easier for her to hear my "I'm proud of you's" which warms my heart. She is the sweetest girl and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. That's what makes it so tough to see her hurting. I've been riding a fine line with my emotions because I don't want her to "worry" about me, but I also want her to to know HOW deeply I care about her and how much it hurts me to see her hurting. I've broken down in tears a couple of times in her presence, but have managed to keep them away while we are talking.

Today was a "big day" at her high school/my high school, so the little one and I went to the "activities". I'm sure I've written about this day previously, but I'm too tired to go back and find old posts. However, I think I will end this longer-than-expected post with a prayer that is spoken regularly at this school, and often at the forefront of todays events.

The Suscipe of Mother Catherine McAuley

My God, I am yours for time and eternity. 

Teach me to cast myself entirely into the arms of your loving Providence with a lively, unlimited confidence in your compassionate, tender pity. 

Grant, O most merciful Redeemer,

That whatever you ordain or permit may be acceptable to me. 

Take from my heart all painful anxiety; let nothing sadden me but sin, nothing delight me but the hope of coming to the possession of You my God and my all, in your everlasting kingdom. Amen.

Powerful words...challenging words.

Well, I work tomorrow, so I should be headed to bed. All this emotional stuff is exhausting (I actually left a message with my counselor today. I haven't spoken to her in a long time!) The three-year-old was driving me crazy today, likely because I didn't have enough energy to deal with her AND all that's going on with the teenager. I feel badly that she got the raw end of the deal many times today, but she'll get over it, right?! I'm not sure how I'd do being the mother of a child who can't feed herself and doesn't sleep through the night!

Okay, time for bed :)

Breaking Through

My house continues to be a disaster, but I'm stressed and overwhelmed and blogging/processing is MUCH more important to me than a clean house (shocking, I know...ha, I never really had a clean house until the teen came to live with me and she's been too busy with school to clean!)

I'm really thankful for amazing friends and family who are keeping me going with their prayers, kind words, and advice. I definitely don't know where I'd be without you. (Ginger, you rock!)

Yesterday, I was at work, but it was like Grand Central Station with my cell phone "blowing up" in my pocket. Apparently everyone was thinking about me and the girls yesterday!

I first got a call from the school nurse who said that if she didn't get the teenager's immunization record, she would have to start all over with her shots. So, I called my caseworker to let her know that. She stated that she was thinking about me wondering how things were going. I told her about the "conversation" I had with the teenager Tuesday night about the D+ she has in World History. I had gotten an unsatisfactory progress report from the teacher and opted to discuss it with the teenager prior to talking to her mom. Even though ALL of her grades are posted online, apparently, she didn't know she had a D. We went through the whole "I'm so proud of you/you are trying so hard" conversation like we did the last time and pretty much all she could do was cry. The one thing she muttered was something to the effect that her grades would be higher if she was trying hard enough. I let her know that I disagreed with that statement but that she DID need to talk to her teachers (not sure if she HAS done that, but I strongly encouraged it because I think her teachers should know how hard she is trying and what kinds of study habits she currently has because THEY are the experts). The caseworker is coming out tomorrow, so hopefully she can help.

After that, I got a call from the State worker. He, too, was wondering how things were going. I also told him about the grades conversation and that she breaks down whenever we talk about those kinds of things. He would like to talk to her about her thoughts/feelings about this transition back home and asked if I could "softly" present that to her so she isn't blindsided when he comes tomorrow. I agreed to do that. Typically, she and I talk/hang out and I honestly didn't think it would be THAT big of a deal to slide it into a conversation. He and I also talked about the visits and how things are going with their mom. I let him know that I've been less stressed since I haven't had to deal with her for a couple of days...however, that is obviously going to change!

The service coordinator called me twice yesterday, but we didn't connect. I also talked to their GAL who was asking my opinion about going to unsupervised visits. I also talked to him about the teen's "breakdowns" but am not sure he was really interested in that. Safety-wise, I don't have any concerns. However, I'm going to continue to document all behaviors/interactions, that's for sure!

So, last night, the teen and I watched the DVR of Glee and were just "hanging out". It seemed like the perfect time to address the whole "the workers are coming on Friday and really want to talk to you about some very important things, so be thinking about that" issue. I started by letting her know the overabundance of phone calls I received yesterday. I'm not sure at what point of the conversation she put up the gigantic brick wall, but all of a sudden it was there. I was telling her how important she is and that everyone wants what is best for her. This is her time to express her thoughts/feelings. The only thing she was able to speak during the 45 or so minutes of me speaking and her doodling/not making eye contact was "I don't know why people keep talking about counseling, there is nothing 'wrong' with me". I assured her that talking to a neutral person does NOT mean something is wrong. That was all the further I got and it was all I could do not to cry because I had no clue what to say or do. Her wall was up and there was no breaking through... I didn't want to cry because I didn't want her to feel like she had to take care of me, but I was SO sad and just couldn't believe how quickly our conversation turned to silence (well, besides my babbling on and one with whatever I could think of to say!)

This morning, she still wouldn't talk to me, although our eyes did meet once or twice. I did one of the only things I could think of doing...I called Ginger. I'm SO blessed that the blogging world brought her into my life because she is just amazing. I got some great advice that I'm hoping to put to good use for as long as it takes until I can break down at least a part of that wall and help her to understand that her voice matters. I've been tip-toeing around completely verbalizing HOW special and important she is to me because I didn't want her to think I'm trying to replace her mom. However, Ginger helped me to see that it is really important FOR her to know how much I care about her and that she is welcome here with me/I will not abandon her/am not going to kick her out of my house. I also just had a twitter conversation with a girl named Tracee whom I have never actually spoken to (gotta love blogs and twitter!), but had some GREAT advice for me too. "Love her loudly" is just what I need to keep on doing. That love will stick with her long after she is out of my home.

(She is home from school and talking to me now, but I have opted to wait until AFTER dinner with my family to bring up any "tough topics" so as not to ruin her dinner/our dinner.)

I called the service coordinator and the guy from the State today to let them know how last night went. I let him know that I would try again tonight, but not to hold his breath that she will actually talk to him tomorrow. The service coordinator, the caseworker, and the guy from the State all think that she is worried about going home. I would have to agree with her, however, she likely doesn't want to say anything that would seem to be disloyal to her mom. I know that I'm not perfect, but I have also been letting her be a teenager and not responsible for her younger siblings. She gets help with her homework (which, I obviously would have a hard time if there were four other kids too) and lots of attention (again, I only have two kids, not five). She can hang out with her friends and go places (her mom doesn't have a car). She gets to go to a private school where the classes are small and the teachers are attentive. There is no telling if her mom will continue to let her go there/do what it takes to make it so she can stay.

I'm praying for wisdom and strength that I can at least partially break through the wall that is hiding her heart and her feelings tonight (or soon!) She is so special to me...and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me wishes she could stay with me forever.

Phew, that took a long time, but I feel a lot better :)

I Had Big Plans

I was planning to bring the little one to her mom this morning around 9:00 before my 10:30 dentist appointment and then have the whole day to clean/run errands/rest. She tried to text my house phone, but I was really confused, so just called her. So, I'm not sure what she was going to say to me in a text, but basically she had a bunch of appointments and is supposed to take classes on Tuesdays, so today wouldn't work (last Tuesday she figured out something and told me her teacher said she could "skip" but apparently that didn't work out for some reason). Hopefully she will remember this when I cannot bring her any full days the rest of the week since we have plans every day.

I was getting kind of sad that I wouldn't have any full days with the little one since she's at my sister's when I work and has been at her mom's when I am off. I suppose there will come a day when she's not with me at all and this is good "practice", but it was still a little sad. She's such a sweet girl (and even more sweet when she doesn't spend a few days with her mom and comes back whiny and clingy!)

We spent the day together and that was fine...except I wasn't so much productive. However, I took a nap while she did and that really ISN'T her fault! She went to the dentist with me and was SO good! She hardly made a peep! Then, we went to the store and bought her a couple of fall dresses and some leggings. The weather has been crazy here going from the 50s to the 80s. She did have some fall things, but I can't resist buying little girl things and pretty much all of her dresses are sleeveless. I'll have to go to a consignment store and get a sweater or two to wear over them if she REALLY wants to wear them in the fall. She was really good at the store too, so got a piece of gum for the ride home ;)

I have an hour and a half before our "family dinner" for my sister's birthday. I haven't showered and still need to get a card, so am thinking that there will be no vacuuming or kitchen floor cleaning or paper organizing going on. There will, however, be a blog post going up...with pictures ;)

My sister and I went to the park a couple of weeks ago. It was SO fun

swinging our kids together.

She had SUCH a good time at my church festival. She sat on the ground watching

these Irish Dancers even though there were chairs nearby. I just love her! :)

My nephew wore this super cute outfit to my grandpa's visitation. He loves these flowers!

(So does the little one...they are too funny!)

Last Friday, the little one and I met a friend at what I guess you would call the "City Gardens".

We rode on the tram and walked around. The flowers smelled AWESOME!

My friend informed me that this little one is not a "normal" 3-year-old...

most 3-year-olds are apparently not this well-behaved ;)

No worries, I definitely count my blessings that I have an amazing toddler AND an

amazing teen...seriously, totally blessed!

Pep Talks

I've been giving myself pep talks this week...lots of them. Lots of other people have been giving me pep talks too. I hope they are working!

Wednesday, even though it was the day after writing this, was tough...and not just because we buried my grandpa that day.

I let the girls' mom get to me and it turned my stomach in knots but also irritated the heck out of me. Explanation: I brought the little one to her apartment in the morning before I went to the funeral. [Reminder--I had brought her there the previous two days as well as the evening prior to that.] As I was getting ready to leave, her mom mentioned she wanted the girls "tomorrow" too. Well, I had to work that day and I'm NOT willing to get my sister and parents involved in all this "facilitating" of visits...at least not until I am "forced" to do that. So, I said "no" and she came back with a "but my mom is only in town for a couple more days and she hasn't had much time to hang out with the girls". I reminded her of the number of days/times the girls had been with her and then just had to leave.

I knew she would try and take advantage of me, but she TOTALLY got me while I wasn't feeling very strong. I have a really hard time with confrontation, although I have gotten a LOT better during the past few years. I've also gotten better in dealing with "difficult" people. However, I was on my way to a funeral and already worn out emotionally from the days leading up to my grandpa's death (which involved the State, her, and her girls). So, our "conversation" haunted me throughout the day, which only made me feel worse.

As I sat in the funeral Mass next to my grandpa's casket, I reminded myself of how proud he was of me. Even though he never met the girls, he told me I was doing a great job with them. I reminded myself of how many OTHER people have told me I'm "doing a great thing". I typically dismiss those sorts of words rather quickly, or respond by telling them how much the girls are blessing ME.

And then (or in the days since then), I was reminded of the conversations I have been having with the teenager. I've been telling HER how proud I am of her and what a great job she is doing (except this week hasn't been that great and we need to do some work so she actually IS passing all of her classes...) It's been hard, heartbreaking in fact, to see her struggle with believing those words...and then how happy it made me to hear her say she was proud of herself.

Yes, there was little "aha" moment...the teenager and I appear to be very much alike here. I, too, struggle with compliments, but know that the only way I'm going to be able to "fight" their mom is to be strong.

So, I prayed for strength, and got some "twitter prayers" for strength as well.

Of course, when I picked up the little one, their mom was "super sweet" (well, kinda sorta) and acted like the morning's conversation had never occurred. That only upset me even more.

(So, I've been typing this for like 30 minutes and it seriously is making little-to-no sense to me...it sounded much better in my head three days ago, but I haven't had time to sit down and type. I shouldn't publish this craziness, but it will be funny to read at a later date...ha!)

I decided that I could NOT let their mom get to me. I need to stand my ground and not let myself get forced into doing something I am not comfortable doing. I do NOT need to give her explanations when things don't work for me. I do NOT need to apologize when things don't work the way she wants them. I've been giving myself pep talks, telling myself that I'm doing a great job, I'm taking REALLY GOOD care of her girls, so I really don't HAVE to do her any favors.

Even though that is totally not who I am. I care about other people. I like to see the best in people. Helping people is what I do. Making other people feel special is important to me.

Sometimes, though, I need to take care of myself and my needs. This "facilitating of visits" may just be one of those times. I've been told that this should not be my job and that maybe the person from the State is taking advantage of my personality as well. That is disappointing, but could very well be the case.

In some ways, being the "facilitator" of the visits gives me more control over them and I like that. However, I may need to keep giving myself pep talks to "stand my ground", "be strong", and remind myself that my needs are important too.

Well, this is totally not the post I was hoping to come from these past few days of reflection I've been having. Hopefully I'll have time to put some more thoughts down sooner rather than later because all this stuff bottled up is not good!

The teen is at a slumber party and I put the little one to sleep at my mom and dad's since I work in the morning. I can't believe I have the house to myself tonight for the first time in MONTHS (and here I am typing nonsense on the computer...ha!) I'd better head to bed since it's late and I've only worked one day out of the past 12 or so. It could be a long day!

Good night.

She's Proud

This has been a super long week.

I think I've been too stressed out about the girls and that whole situation to really realize the fact that my grandpa is no longer with us.

I can't believe that I have "hung out" (okay, "visited with" is probably more accurate) with the girls' mom for at least 20 minutes every day this week.

I get nervous every time I have to talk to her.

I keep telling myself that I'm helping HER and if it doesn't work for me, I don't have to bend over backwards to accommodate her wants.

She told me last night that the little one is her "baby" and she is going to be/is really spoiled when she's with her. Because of that, I should expect some "behaviors". Thanks for the "heads up"...and by the way, you aren't doing her any favors by doing that.

I went up to the microphone and spoke about my grandpa at his visitation and didn't cry. That is so not normal for me, but everyone said I did a good job. I'm really going to miss him.

When I got home from the visitation, the teen was in her "funk" where it's hard to tell what's going on, but usually it means she is upset about grades/school. I have had some trouble breaking through the "funk" (as evidenced by two evenings of no-words-just-tears we had last week), but have been talking to her about expressing her needs/asking for help and reminding her that SHE matters (oh, and that I'm NOT a mind reader).

It actually didn't take too terribly long for her to start talking to me. What a pleasant surprise! She was telling me about an English paper she is going to write about college and how she is going to need to interview some people. I let her know that I know LOTS of people, including people in college, people who work at colleges, even people who work in college admissions. Then, she told me about an interview she has to do for her Health class. She is going to ask if she can do a Pediatric Nurse. I let her know that I'd be more than willing to assist with that, but if it seems that is the "easy way out", I can get her in touch with another pediatric nurse, or a nurse manager/nurse practitioner/physician/dietician/physical therapist, etc.

And then, she told me about an essay she sent to her English teacher for extra credit this week. She started that portion of our now lengthy conversation (LOVE it when she wants to talk to me, even if it's when I'm trying to read blogs or watch a show...ha!) by saying "I think [English teacher] will really like this essay I wrote." I asked what the question was and if she would share what she wrote. Surprisingly enough, she decided to share :) The question was regarding her writing history, what she found challenging about the essay that was due Monday, and basically any other comments about that.

She let the teacher know in her essay that the expectations of papers at this school are MUCH higher than anything she is used to. She said she is still learning how to do the correct format. She mentioned that while the teacher being "picky" is difficult, she would rather learn now and be able to make corrections than when she gets to college.

I let her know that I was really proud of her for being so honest with the teacher. I told her it took a lot of courage to share her fears/anxieties/needs (but that MAYBE this means she DOES actually listen to me even when she pretends she isn't, just like a "real" teenager...ha!)

And then, she said, "I'm really proud of myself too."

I almost cried--those are some of the best words I've heard in a long time.

Good night.

Gonna Miss Him

None of these are very recent, but they do show him when he was feeling well. It's hard to believe he's really gone. We're gonna miss him.

In Heaven

First off, I'm amazed at how many people check fb...I am feeling SO loved by all the thoughts and prayers I was given both there AND on twitter...gotta love technology and social media :)

I got the girls off to their visit at 3:00. I rested for a little while (driving makes me SLEEPY and I knew I would be making at least three round-trips to the hospital and it took 20-30 minutes each way) and was about to head back around 4:00 when I got a call from my dad. Apparently my grandpa had asked to go to sleep, so they were going to give him some pain meds and shut off his blood pressure medicine and IV fluids and provide comfort cares. I let my dad know I was on my way.

I got there right as they were turning off the fluids at 4:30. He no longer had his eyes open and had labored breathing, but appeared comfortable. No one was sure how long it would take, so we mostly just stayed in his room, but sort of took turns as people felt comfortable. My dad and sister ended up needing to leave at 5:30 since their bowling league started. My mom had driven back from what was supposed to be a weekend with HER parents in a town about 3 1/2 hours away from here. I had to leave a little after 6:30 since my girls were being dropped back off at my house at 7. At that time, his heart had been in "SVT" for over an hour and the nurse kept telling us usually that it doesn't take long from there, but it sort of did...I think he was worried about my grandma (or maybe waiting for his daughter who was to arrive in town around 8:00). I hated to leave, but that's how it goes. The chaplain had come and we prayed, but mostly we were quiet. It was such an odd feeling just sitting in a room with lots of people listening to your loved one take his last breaths.

My mom texted to let me know my grandpa passed away at 7:43. Had I been at work today, I barely would have been off and there is no way I would have made it there in time. (I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to afford the three days of work I have already missed and the next one or two I will miss because of the funeral, but things will work out how they are supposed to.)

It was so weird doing "this" while being a "mom". I got the call (text), the little one needed a bath and to go to bed and the teen needed help remaining calm about her two papers that are due on Monday. I will definitely sleep well tonight!

Thanks for your prayers. (Wow, this has been quite the week of blogging...I guess I started a blog to be my journal rather than pen-and-paper and these days definitely were ones that needed to be "journaled" to help sort get rid of some stress, etc. :) )

Heaven is that greater glory of which Nature is only the first sketch -CS Lewis--Right before I was going to "Publish Post", this quote came up on twitter. Nice timing :)

When It Rains...

So...while the girls' mom was upset I didn't bring them over last night, I am feeling MUCH better about not being there during that time. She had wanted them from 5-8 and at just after 8:00 there was a police call followed by a standoff and shooting ending in a person (the one threatening the life of a baby) being killed AT THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX WHERE SHE LIVES! While I know those things can happen anywhere in a big city, I definitely think it gives me grounds to stand on my decision that my drop offs and pick ups need to be during daylight hours. I called my caseworker to let her know about the shooting and asked her to help me when it comes to discussing future visits when we have our team meeting on Monday.

I received a phone call from my dad at 1:45 this morning letting me know that my grandpa wasn't doing well. I was obviously not 100% coherent, but at that time asked if I should call in sick to work (2:00 is the cut-off time for day shift) He said my grandpa didn't look well at all, but I didn't feel a sense of urgency...and went back to sleep.

My alarm went off as scheduled at 5:30. During one of my snooze button pressing episodes, I noticed my phone had a text message. It was from my dad and said Kristi the respiratory therapist knew me. I texted back "Oh. Weird. How is gpa?" His response: "Priest was just here. NOT good just waiting now." Whoa, whoa what?! Waiting for what?! So, I called him and he said that grandpa likely wouldn't make it through the day. Through tears, I called work to say that I couldn't come in today (someone was on call, but I DID feel bad about making her come in). Then I called my sister and let her know. I picked her up on the way to the hospital. The girls were sleeping, but I let the teenager know and she's okay staying here with the little one for a while.

When we got there, my grandpa really was struggling hard to breathe. He is on a blood pressure med to keep his pressure up and blood flowing to his brain and heart, but also doesn't help his kidneys. His one lung is filled with nasty fluid and has a really bad infection. The infection is also in his blood and he has a urinary tract infection. So, not good...except he is alert and able to talk when aroused. The nurse he has today is absolutely amazing which is SUCH a blessing. I was there until around 10:00 when I came home to get the little one (it's about a 30 minute drive which is definitely not convenient, but it is what it is). I brought her back to the hospital and we stayed until 1. He's hanging in there, but I think he's afraid to die and leave my grandma. The nurse was talking to him about making his own decision about his life since those kinds of things are really tough for the people who don't want to let you go. He was sleeping a lot more when I left, but his breathing wasn't quite as labored so he looked more comfortable.

It is SO hard seeing him like that. I don't want to imagine life without him, especially my grandma's life without him. However, he has lived most of the past 6-8 weeks in the hospital or rehab and that can't have been enjoyable. With the infection, it will take WEEKS of antibiotics to treat which will affect the rest of his body. I'm not sure, medically speaking anyway, if his body can handle that.

Only God knows what is to happen and how many minutes/hours/days he has left on this earth. Your prayers for my family, especially my grandma, are appreciated.

The girls will be off to see their mom in about 45 minutes and then I'll likely head back to the hospital for a while.

More Drama

It's been a long time since I cried as much as I have the past two days. I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been there to support me during my struggles.

I picked up the teenager from my mom and dad's house after school and the first thing she told me was that she failed her biology test. As in, an actual F, not a C that she feels is an F. I quizzed her on it last night and this morning and it seemed like she knew it. She said while she was taking it, she didn't think she was doing that bad. However, that definitely didn't help her confidence. She also missed an English test yesterday (that she thought was today) and couldn't find her health homework (the twinkle twinkle little star song about vitamin b 12 I wrote) but ended up not needing it. Poor girl :(

We weren't home THAT long before my house phone rang. I don't usually answer it, but was expecting a call from her academic advisor. I was pretty sure she would call my cell phone, but took a chance on the house phone and it was their mom. Apparently, she had written down on her calendar that I would be bringing the girls there from 5-8 today. Well, I was SUPPOSED to be at work today (I was on-call/got called off) so there is no way I told her that. But, I apologized for the mix-up in dates and told her we already had plans. She was really upset about this, but obviously didn't get my drift that it was plans I made to do WITH the girls because she was talking about how she was going to call the DHHS worker to see if someone else could pick them up. I really wasn't going to budge on my plans (to the horse race track with my dad...fun and a good distraction from all the stress/tension around here!) but I also don't like having people upset with me. I left a message with the worker and also called the caseworker from my agency to explain what happened. (I later told the teenager so she has at least HEARD my side of the story...whether or not she chooses to believe her mom instead of me is up to her.)

I honestly am not trying to keep her from her girls, but I also know that the past couple of days have been ROUGH. I realize that they are going to go back to her and I can't change the way things are, but I will admit to being a "little" selfish wanting to protect the teen from being around someone who obviously didn't make self-esteem boosting one of her top priorities...at least for one day. Even though I felt like crap for a while, I do think it was the right decision. She had fun at dinner (my dad is super fun) and I let her drive home. She has been working on her English paper and I can tell she is really stressed by it (writing papers stressed me out big time...I seriously cried nearly every time I had an English paper due and even cried writing papers in college!) So, I offered to type it since she is a HORRIBLE typer. I know eventually she will have to write AND type, but for now, if I am able to take a tiny bit of stress off her, I'm going to do it.

Well, I work tomorrow, but she wants to catch up on our Days of Our Lives watching (I can't believe I watch that show AND sucked her into it!)

So, goodnight. Hoping for a drama-free weekend...a girl can hope, right?!

A Hurting Heart

When I wrote about my stomach being in knots two days ago, I had no clue how much worse I would feel today. This truly has been a rough week--pretty sure the toughest I have had in the three months I have been a foster mom. The weather here seems to fit my mood because it is threatening rain and then drizzles and spits even though it wants to, needs to pour down. I've been crying on and off the past 24 hours when I am no longer able to fight them. I'm just waiting for the down pour to happen...and am thankful I have this place to come and try to sort out my thoughts and feelings :)

Rewind a few hours to yesterday morning. My little one still had a fever when she woke up and my teenager had a headache. I dropped her off at school anyway and the little one fell back asleep on the couch after some ibuprofen (she was pretty wild and crazy for a kid with a fever prior to that though...wow!) I was on my way to take the little one to her mom's house for the day when I got a call from the school that my teen needed to come home. So, I picked her up on the way and dropped both "sickies" off to their mom. After some "discussion", we agreed that me picking them up closer to 4 or 5 was much better than 9 PM (considering neither of my parents was thrilled I would be heading to that area of town at that time of night by myself). Of course, she tried to tell me that it is perfectly safe and that shouldn't be a deterrent in her getting to have the girls later blah blah blah. But, I some how was able to stand my ground. It helped that she had both girls the whole day instead of me bringing the teen there after school.

I went home and slept for like 3 1/2 hours since I was feeling kinda crappy and wanted to make sure I didn't get whatever the little one had. I picked up a non-feverish little one and a teen who was feeling a little better around 5:00. I think it's pretty "generous" that she was able to have them from 9:30-5 on a day that wasn't a regularly scheduled visit. I was thinking she would be a lot more intimidating than she was, so I guess I prepared myself well. Of course, I know that things could turn in an instant and I'll have to be prepared for that as well.

When we got home, I let the little one watch a Dora movie (again, I know) so I could try and resume the conversation I wanted to have with the teenager. I started off by apologizing for the night before. She needed to come up with something "catchy" to talk about Vitamin B12. She loves to sing, so I thought it would be fun for her to write a song about it to one of her favorite songs. Well, we spent 3 hours trying to figure it out and both went to bed at 12:30 without anything done. So, she was going to have nothing to turn in (except I was feeling awful and wrote a little something to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star for her before I went to bed) which definitely didn't help her stress level.

So, after I apologized for not helping her time management (she didn't end up going to that class so had until today to figure it out), I started back in with the rest of the conversation. I had barely started talking when the tears started flowing. She cried for a good 30-40 minutes as I talked to her and told her how proud I am of her, how special she is, how much she means to me, how I want the best for her, how I want her to be able to see how amazing she is, etc. She just bawled and was unable to speak (I did try and pause periodically to give her a chance to talk). I let her know that I am NOT upset by her grades because I KNOW how much effort she is putting forth. However, it seems that writing and reading comprehension are challenging for her so I suggested she talk to someone who can help her with that. My heart was just broken by the fact that it upset her SO much to hear how amazing she is...

If you have been reading this, then you KNOW how great of a kid she is. Seriously, this girl is amazing. My heart hurts that I didn't realize HOW much she was hurting inside. I mean, she has lived with me for THREE MONTHS and I knew she was hiding her feelings, but to see it come out like that is so sad. Now, I'm questioning everything...have I really not told her how special she is? Did she really not know how much she means to me? Okay, so maybe this really isn't about me, but I'm just feeling so awful. I guess maybe I've been too afraid to come right out and tell her how loved she is because I didn't want her to think I was trying to steal them away from their mom. I know I've told her how proud I am of her and that "she's the best", but apparently she doesn't really believe it.

Okay, now I'm a blubbering mess and hardly making any sense. In my heart I know I am helping these girls and so is my family, but I am wondering now if I should have been doing more. I have never pressured her to talk about her feelings, or about what brought them into the foster care system. Maybe she thought I didn't care, but that wasn't the case at all. It just makes me sad (my stomach has just been churning and now I'm not sure how I'll make the tears stop) to know that by her reaction, those aren't things she has heard often enough to actually believe them.

But, I DO care, and for however long she is living in this home, I will show her that I care, and tell her too. This transition back t0 home may be even more difficult than I imagined.

Alright, I've gotten out my big cry (now, if only the skies would open up and it start pouring down rain). I likely didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel a lot better.

It may be time to join the little one for a quick nap before we pick up her sister.

Knots and Tears

Yes, this is my third post in 24 hours (#1 and #2) after days of not posting, but it has been one of those days that just requires a lot of blogging!

These past 24 hours have left my stomach in knots. It all started with the call yesterday informing me that I needed to start facilitating additional visits for the girls and has been "downhill" from there.

The call to their mom this morning (see post #2 from this 24 hours) left me frustrated with myself for falling into her manipulative trap (to cut myself a LITTLE bit of slack, I'm sure she has spent many years perfecting it...and I'm an easy target.) I'm still upset that I agreed to let the little one spend an entire 12 hours with her unsupervised considering up until now, they have been getting maybe 9 hours a WEEK supervised. I suppose, in a way, I'm doing as I was told, but I still have an uneasy feeling that it isn't the right thing to do.

I worked myself up to talk to the teenager about her grades. I'm not upset by them because she is working SO hard and WANTS to do well. I know she has been frustrated that her effort isn't really showing up in the grades she is getting. I decided that I would approach it as having her look at them with me and show her that MY observation is that she has trouble with assignments that are written (like papers) and that reading is hard for her. From there, I was planning to suggest she either talk to her teachers about helping with those things or allowing me to read her homework before turning it in.

Well, my best laid plans did not work out so swell. She got defensive and snotty and refused to look at me or talk to me. She knelt by the side of her bed for over 45 minutes doing homework while I stood in the doorway and stared at her because she refused to look at me or talk to me. The only reason our "silent treatment" came to a halt was the three-year-old decided she was done watching Dora and wanted some attention as well. She snuck past me as I said something to the effect of you WILL be talking to me...and her response was that there was nothing to say.

And so, I shut the door to her room leaving a crying three-year-old in the hallway and said we HAD to talk. I let her know that I didn't understand why she was upset because I was NOT in any way, shape, or form upset with her and wanted her to let me know if I did something to make her THINK that I was. At that, she burst into tears, still hiding her face and refusing to look at me or talk to me. I told her how proud I was of her and explained that it appeared to me that reading and writing are tough for her, likely because she has been in many different schools in her life and is now in a private, college-prep high school. She continued to cry and not speak, but agreed that later she WOULD talk to me.

So, I left her be to do her homework/study and came back to my crying 3-year-old who felt "abandoned" even though she had her Dora (I rarely let her watch TV and we got this movie at red box because I thought my friend was coming over to visit and I needed something to occupy her while we talked!) Now she is whining and clinging to me and it upsets me even more that I'm sending her to be with her mom for 12 hours tomorrow.

I am afraid the next 24 hours won't be any easier, so "good vibes" and prayers are definitely appreciated.

Time to put the little one to bed...and hope that the teen is ready to talk.

1030 update: I took a side trip to the pharmacy for migraine medicine for the teen, tylenol and ibuprofen for the toddler with a 102.7 fever. The teen and I are making a song about vitamin B12 but have yet to have "a talk". What a night!

Another Quick One

Just got off the phone with mom. Apparently, 9-noon didn't quite work for her schedule/plans today. Nope, she wants her the WHOLE day when she gets her, none of this short stuff. I personally think that shorter visits increasing gradually would be better, but what do I know?! So, I guess tomorrow, I will bring her there at 9 and pick her back up at 9, bringing the older one there after school. I suppose all I can do is document, document, document. I have a feeling that the little one won't like being there with her mom by herself, but mom won't realize that and spin her behavior to mean something else. She said that the little one cries and is scared with the visitation workers and I've NEVER witnessed anything like that (hello, the girl talks non-stop in the grocery store to strangers and when strangers are around!) So, this transition to home is going to involve issues that I can't even imagine right now...and I'll have to make sure to keep my facts straight in case she continues to spin the truth to meet her needs and make her look like mom of the year. {phew, nice to have that off my chest!}

I sort of wish I'd been able to put my foot down and stand by my shorter visit idea, but she made me feel like crap for thinking that shorter visits with her kid would be better...shocking that she was able to spin things like that, right?! I suppose I shouldn't expect her kind words for me to last during this transition. Again, document, document, document.

And, the little one took a bath and is wearing a cute dress all in preparation for her morning visit...that wasn't to be. Good thing I didn't really tell her that she was going to see her mom today!

{sigh} I signed up for this, I signed up for this...

Time to play with the little one...now that we have all day together :)

Quick Update

Quick update since I was originally put on-call this morning and had been planning my nap since my alarm went off at 5AM. It's now after 11PM and I did get called into work, so there was no nap for me.

I got a call from the State worker. I've only talked to him a couple of times and today he called to let me know about the visits being changed from supervised to semi-supervised and what that means. He said that someone needs to be there for the first 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes of the visit, but they could have any length of visits besides over-night at this point. The current visitation agency is doing visits three days a week for three hours. He "suggested" that I "facilitate" visits on other days since the agency won't do any more (and actually gets paid for the entire three hours even though they are only there for 40 minutes). Basically, I "need" to talk to their mom and schedule some times for visits. Once the visits become unsupervised (he is thinking maybe 10 days), then there will be no agency which I'm thinking means that transportation and arranging visits is my deal.

Oh yes, I did sign up for this...

So, I put on my happy face and called their mom from work. I let her know that I didn't have my calendar, but would call tomorrow to set up some visits. I told her that I couldn't ask my family to provide transportation to and from, at least not at this point. However, I'm willing to do what I can to make it so she has more time with her girls if possible (as long as it is convenient for me ;) ). She seemed agreeable to this, and the fact that she "appears" to like me makes me a lot less nervous...considering I'm thinking about taking the little one there tomorrow morning.

Yes, tomorrow morning, I will meet the mother of the girls I've been taking care of for the past three months. I'm a little freaked out...okay, a lot...especially since I have to sit there for at least 20 minutes at the beginning and 20 minutes at the end. I'm particularly worried about that second transition from the visit back to me.

So, any good vibes/prayers sent my way in the AM would be accepted/appreciated. :)

P.S. Later in my shift, I called my caseworker from my agency and let her know about all the visitation changes and what the State caseworker had discussed with me. She was glad I was keeping her informed because she has not yet received the court report or any communication from the service coordinator or State caseworker...lovely!

Good night.

Three Months

I can't believe that I've been a foster mom for three months now. I still find myself wondering how this can be, that this really IS my life. I'm a "mom", something that I have wanted to be my entire life. Granted, these girls will go home, but for now, I'm "kinda" raising them, (even though I sometimes feel like a baby-sitter because there is NO way I'm REALLY a mom, right?!)

Even with all the pinching that's been going on, though, I do believe that I am doing a good job...and that my home and my family are a perfect fit for these girls in this season of their life. I'm not much of a "pat myself on the back" kind of person, but when I sit down and think about it, most of the time I feel like I know what I am doing!

"M" is super stressed out about school. That girl studies constantly and is trying REALLY hard. After every test and quiz, she comes home saying things are "horrible", even though I helped quiz her and KNOW how much time she spent preparing for them. Granted, she doesn't have straight A's right now, but here are her classes--Biology, Algebra, Spanish, Theology, World History, Health, and English. I have told her time and again that the first round of tests/quizzes is the hardest because you have no idea what the teacher will expect you to know or how he/she will ask the questions. She is not failing any of her classes and I can't be upset about her grades with the amount of effort she is putting forth. I think writing is a challenge for her, so I will continue to encourage her to let me read her papers prior to her handing them in, but so far she has not let me do that. She was doing homework at 9:00 this morning before Mass and she is studying right now (after cleaning her room AND washing all of our dinner dishes...she is so awesome!)

"L" and I had a lot of fun last week. I had all week off because I was scheduled to work Thursday/Friday/Saturday. I ended up calling in sick on Thursday because my parents were out of town and I didn't want to drive her "all" the way across town to my sister's house PRIOR to dropping "M" off at school by 6:40 and getting myself to work by 7. Plus, I don't think my sister wanted to be up that early! So, we had lots of one-on-one time which was good, but also REALLY tiring! God bless the stay-at-home mom because I honestly don't think I could do it! By 9:30 most days, I was ready for a nap! Granted, I'd been up for 4 hours by then, but still, that was after getting a full night's sleep and being with a child who doesn't need constant attention or supervision! We tried to do a little bit of "school" each day since she isn't going to a structured pre-school. She doesn't know her colors, so I'm trying really hard to get her to learn those! We did some finger painting and other "hands-on" activity pretty much every day and one day we went to the Zoo. She likes to help me cook and is really a ton of fun. She did manage to "earn" herself a couple of time-outs, but for the most part, I'm SO blessed that she actually CAN entertain herself for a while (and feed herself, dress herself, basically give herself a bath...ha!)

We made "finger paint" out of flour, salt, water, and food coloring. It actually cleaned up pretty easily. I was worried about the food coloring, but I guess it isn't much/any different than frosting for sugar cookies!

This is something that people call "oobleck" or something like that. It's just corn starch and water, but as you can tell, she had a fun time. I did save the left-overs so we may try this again this week. I tossed the rest of the finger paint down the sink which was another "plus" for that!

We actually finger painted on the front porch on Thursday, but those pictures aren't uploaded from my camera yet.

So, there's an update on the girls. Apparently, their mom was granted unsupervised visits, effective this past Friday, but they decided that it wasn't necessary to tell the caseworker or me. It's great when your 15-year-old keeps you informed of what's going on...ha! I'm not exactly sure what this means because it happened right before the holiday weekend. They did get to go to a family gathering on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon without a visitation worker, so that is nice. The one thing that has me curious is that apparently they have a HUGE family, so why were the kids not placed with family? They have been in foster care for about nine months now and that's just crazy to me that no one in the family "stepped up" to take them...or maybe people in their family couldn't pass background checks?! No clue, but it is sad. I mean, the girls have it really good right now (if I do say so myself...ha!) but they have missed out on a lot of family things since they have been in foster care.

I suppose I need to start preparing myself for when they go back home, even though I'm not sure how/when this will happen. People have asked me if is going to be hard. In some ways, it will be. I mean, even though it's hard to believe, they HAVE been a part of my life for three months now. We have a relationship. We have lots of memories. I lived by myself for three years before they came to live with me and now it feels like I'm rarely by myself! I am so blessed that my first experience with motherhood has been with such great kids...especially since if you tell people you have a teen and a toddler, they think you're some kind of saint...ha! There are no other kids like them and I'm sure the house will feel empty without them in it. Thankfully, this isn't going to happen in the VERY near future so I don't even know why I brought it up! :)

Work is fine. Things have changed a lot, but I do still enjoy what I do. I have to focus on that and not get discouraged/frustrated with the changes. We have lost some staff and our census fluctuates all the time so sometimes we need extra nurses and sometimes you don't get your hours. They may start doing mandatory on-call, and we may need to work more weekends and holidays. Definitely not enough changes to send me looking for another job, since I've been there for nearly seven years, but enough to make me want to put my two cents in whenever I can to make it so I DON'T feel the need to look elsewhere.

I've been so busy recently and I miss blogging, reading blogs, being on facebook, talking to friends. I guess having kids, even if they are older, does change things! I feel like I'm "out of the loop", but maybe it's OK that I have 225 unread posts in my Google Reader... It's totally different, but right now my job is to be there for these girls and that involves playing Barbies, finger painting, reading books, singing lullabies...and watching Days of Our Lives, studying for quizzes and tests, listening to complaints about homework (and semi-sympathizing), and teaching a girl to drive.

It's been way too long since I posted, so there's a nice little book :)

Happy Labor Day!

Wordless Wednesday