Toe Talk

Warning, this is a post about toes/feet...if you don't like feet, or pictures of them, you probably should stop reading ;) I'll start with a picture of the little one to give you a chance to hit the back button or "mark read" or whatever you need to do ;)

Monday was her first day of day care/pre-school. She is in a room with 2 and 3 year olds. She had a great time. :) When she came home, she told me she watched Spongebob at school...seriously?! I thought she was mistaken, so I asked on Tuesday and much to my dismay, they seriously did "during transition" because "the boys like it". I think I should have done a little more research, but she likely won't be there too long and it was more for socialization than anything. Yesterday, I worked, so my mom dropped her off and my dad picked her up. I called my parents' house around 5:15 and my dad said she'd been crying since she got picked up. I spoke to the teen and she thought the little one had a fever. I talked to her on the phone for a little while. I called the day care and they said she didn't really want to play and sat on a bench. I'm not surprised that she would sit on a bench by herself rather than play with the other kids. The teen called me at work shortly after 6 to let me know her temperature was 103.5 and that she was going to give her a "tepid" bath and some Tylenol. I tried to leave work early since I really didn't want her to have to be the mother here. I was only taking care of one patient, so it could have worked except she was a patient with extensive history and a mom who was super particular (and annoyed with our "lack of communication") so giving report to one person who would give report 45 minutes later to someone else was not in anyone's best interest. I knew the teen could do it, she likely has done it many times...more than she should for sure! So, I called and checked a few times during that last hour and a half of work and my mom called to check on her too.

The little one's temp came down nicely with Tylenol and she never had another fever. I kept her home from school today (as you are "supposed" to) even though she was acting completely fine. Her only complaint was a stomach ache. I am taking her tomorrow to get an H & P before she gets her dental work done next week (FINALLY! 6 months later!) So, I guess they can check her out then and make sure there isn't anything else wrong with her (and clear her for day care so I can take her after the appointment!)

I got a call from the Service Coordinator this afternoon that the girls' mom is going out of town for "about a week"...are you keeping track?! Again, this was to be the girls' weekend to stay the night (the third one she has canceled/postponed...again, are you keeping track?!) I am scheduled to work on Saturday and Sunday and the teen has a conference in the morning on Saturday. So, the little one was to spend the weekend there, the teen could do whatever she wanted and all was going to be well. Oh, I should know better than to have "best laid plans". In the next breath, she said that their mom would move into a bigger place when she gets back and then they will go home "by May". She said she was excited about this. I had many emotions and none of them was "excitement"...but that is that and it isn't over until it is over. I wish my agency worker wasn't on vacation :(

Okay, now for the toe part of this post ;)

I have horrible bunions.

Thankfully, the bunions rarely hurt.

This toenail, however, definitely hurt...

and was oozing nasty stuff for about 5 days...

until I went to the doctor on Tuesday.

So, today, I removed the nail polish,

went to the doctor, and had a portion of my toe nail removed.

They wrapped it really nicely for me :)

(The additional Band-aid is from the woman who watched the little one for me :) )

I have now changed it to a smaller bandage. I tried taking a picture of "the finished product" when I changed it, but none of them turned out (are you breathing a sigh of relief?! ;) ) I've been taking ibuprofen and tylenol since I'm a complete baby, but that is helping. They did two nerve blocks and then some additional numbing and I survived with music, deep breathing, and a little bit of conversation. I did ask to keep the nail...at least for a day or two ;) The nail was grown really far into my skin and had sharp edges which was what caused the inflammation and draining. They killed that part of the nail bed so it will not (or should not) grow back.

And that, my friends, was my excitement for the day.

Good night.

10 Months

Ten months ago today, two amazing girls made me a mom, something I have wanted to be my entire life. These ten months have brought more love and laughter (and hugs and kisses) than I could have imagined. Of course, there have been tears and frustrations too. We continue to live in the land of unknowns with our lives in other peoples' hands, but we are enjoying each moment we have together. There have been trips to the zoo, the children's museum, and the park. There have been baseball games, homecoming, and a college fair. There have been movies, plays, and family dinners.

To have witnessed how much these girls have grown and changed in these ten months is awesome. The little one has further developed her personality. The teen has vastly improved her confidence and her communication skills (among other things). Of course, I have grown and changed too. It has been an honor and a privilege to be a part of these girls' life during this time. Whenever this time comes to an end, I know that they will remain a part of me, and I a part of them. In the mean time, I am determined to make each day count and not take anything for granted.

I love them. I am so blessed. Happy 10 months :)
Speaking of 10s...yesterday was the teen's Sophomore talent show, so I pulled out the t-shirt from MY Sophomore talent show (since I'm a dork like that). I got weighed at the doctor today (having a toenail procedure on Thursday...stay tuned) and have lost 10 pounds in these 10 months making my weight the lowest it has been since I WAS in 10th grade...not sure how it happened, but I'm actually starting to be able to notice it and that is nice :)

Hmm...

Little one staying the night at her mom's. Teen on an out of town school trip. I went to dinner/ice cream with "ice skating boy"...I believe this is "date #6" (plus texting a couple time a week). I need to pick up the teen in 10 minutes, so this has to be short. But, how come when I'm at home, I think about going out with him, think about that "first kiss", and then we go out and the thought is there, but the "desire" (the physical part of the "relationship" I mean) isn't so much. I guess maybe I'm just not ready to "go there" with SO many other things going on (the situation with the girls is more good than bad, but still very uncertain and some days are VERY frustrating, many lately have been quite emotional too...) But, the poor guy...thankfully, it seems he's a "keeper" since he's willing to stick with me through my craziness...or, at least he's willing to for now. We had a good time, good conversation, good food, good drinks...and hopefully will do it again.

Good night.

April 3, 10:15 PM update...my sister texted me after I wrote this if we had our first kiss. I responded "No, I think maybe he was ready, I thought I was, but then I wasn't...oh well, it will happen if/when it is supposed to." She responded "Oh yes if/when :) " I think I'm okay with this...it is what it is and it's better not to do something that I'm not 100% comfortable with (the last guy I "dated" never got a phone call back from me after our first kiss...we don't want THAT to happen!!)


A bit of foster mama drama this weekend, so hopefully I'll have time to blog tomorrow while the little one is at her first day of pre-school/day care (yeah, pretty sure I'll be crying with her ;) )


Good night!

I Love Her

I can't believe it's been a week since I blogged. I'm kinda tired and think I have a sinus infection, so this will be quick (maybe ;) ) I haven't posted many pictures of the teen here (you know, since you're not supposed to post pictures of foster kids), but this week has been "all about her", so I decided to alter a couple to include in "her" post.

She has come SO far in the nearly 10 months she has lived here! I have even seen a difference in this past week and I am constantly reminded of how much I love her, how much I have learned from her, and how blessed I am to have her in my life. Of course, I am also aware of how much of "me" she will take with her when she leaves.

I wish I could post a picture I took back in July. The little one was wearing a dress and wanted them to take pictures together. I took four pictures of them on the front porch and she barely cracked a smile. If you could see the smile on her face in the last pictures posted here from when I took her to a college fair, you wouldn't believe it was the same kid (well, you probably could, but you know what I mean ;) ).

She loves her sister, but she has learned to trust me to do the parenting. She eats dinner with us and does the dinner dishes, but she has learned that cooking dinner for the family is not her responsibility. She talks about going to college. She is proud of her perfect attendance. She often goes before school or stays after school to get help from her teachers. This past week, she has come to me nearly every day to "let" me help her study. She has been responding to my questions, even when I have asked if/when she has talked to her mom (who is out-of-town with her ill parent(s) again). She has been able to come to me to ask for things she wants (I know, that seems weird to encourage, but her coming to me and saying she'd like a hair cut and would like me to take her to buy some shoes with her baby-sitting money and a coupon is really big!)

Thinking about the love I have for her is an amazing feeling, but it rarely comes without tears welling up in my eyes and/or a sickness in my stomach knowing that things will not always be like this. As much as her mom loves her, it's just different. Here in my home and with my family, she has "cheerleaders" who believe in her, enjoy spending time with her, listen to her random stories/facts, and has been encouraged to "be a kid". Sure, in my "mind over matter", I know that this time can never be taken away from her. The love she has received and the role modeling she has witnessed will remain with her forever.

She's the best...and I'm looking forward to spending as many days with her as we are given (and now she's next to me on the couch, so I'd better press publish post and stop crying ;) )

Good night.

This and That

The past few weeks, I have had a number of people ask me if I've lost weight, a couple going so far as to say that I've lost "a lot" of weight. The scale actually does say that I've lost about 10 pounds (give or take 3) in the past 9 months. However, I don't feel "thin" and only sometimes can tell that my clothes fit differently. I thought I'd pull out pictures from last year's church fundraiser and ones from this weekend to compare. Honestly, I still can't really tell from pictures, but will admit that it's nice having a waist ;) (thank you thirty pound 3 1/2 year old who likes to be carried ;) )

I did have fun at the fundraiser with my parents. I didn't invite "ice skating boy" since we were/are mostly just "texting" a couple of times a week. I did go out with him again last week (Date #5??) and we went to a concert (so as not to give away my location accidentally, I can't say who we saw, but it was C-razy, and not at all who you'd expect me to see ;) ) Even in text messages, he makes me laugh and we did have fun hanging out just the two of us people watching and enjoying the music. 

Yesterday, I had an unexpected day off, so I met my sister and nephew at a place with workout equipment for kids. The little one spent most of the time on the rings, not on the trampoline, but this picture doesn't show her face. My nephew just got his hair cut and he looks like a little boy! I'm researching day care/pre-school for the little one because she still isn't getting the play with other kids memo like she should. After last week when she just cried when I tried to put her in a room with three kids and preferred staring at the wall, I decided enough is enough. She is doing very well after her transition to her own room (still half my junk room, but her side looks nice!) The teen hasn't said anything about the move, but I think she will like that neither of us really need to go into her room for anything.

Speaking of the teen, she is getting excited about an out-of-town school trip she gets to take and an FBLA conference she gets to attend. She keeps telling me about future plans and it seems like she is planning things as if she will be with me forever, which is cool, but also sad. She wants me to take her to a college baseball game and campus tour. After another homework "zero" and a weekend of "matter of fact" telling me she was going to fail her quizzes/tests yesterday, I told her last night that I want to bring her, but she's going to have to do something about her attitude and grades. She cried, said I always jump to conclusions, and to forget about it. Today, I read this post by Julia-Kate and this one by Alece. I was reminded me once again how lucky I am that I don't have any trouble crying and also that the teen's "I'm fine" and difficulty in clearly defining/expressing her feelings isn't surprising since it's hard for grown women too! Perfect timing on those posts, that's for sure. Tonight, after a number of deep breaths and conversation practicing, the teen had me pause the TV so she could talk to me. With tears in her eyes, she said she owed me an apology for her behavior, that she wants me to take her to the baseball game, and she will do what she needs to do for her classes. I praised her for her "bravery" (courage would have been a better word, but whatever ;) ) and told her that I love her and wouldn't expect anything I didn't know she could do. I reminded her that her teachers and I are here to help her be successful. She didn't say anything else, but did acknowledge that she knows I love her and allowed me to give her a hug (as she stuck a tissue to her "booger nose" ;) ).

I think she may want me to help her with something before we go to bed, so I ought to wrap this up, but that's what's going on in these parts ;)

Good night.

Because it's been a while...

It's been a while since I posted any pictures, mostly because I haven't taken very many lately! However, I thought it was time :) The first couple are from my cousin's baby shower. The rest are from a trip to the park and one to the zoo. They are both growing up and so much fun! Enjoy.

P.S. The purple hat was made by my friend Ginger. She also made an owl one that is absolutely adorable as well! :) Feel free to visit her shop! 

Checking In

Just in case there is anyone who reads this who is worried about me, I decided I ought to at least post something to say I'm okay. I have a post in my head called "Taking Care of Me" (or something along those lines). So far, that's going pretty well ;) I have been too busy to "blog" and still haven't finished a lot of things I need to/want to get accomplished, but things have been better.

Hopefully I'll have a new blog post soon :)
Good night.

Not Sure What Just Happened

So, I've been debating on what, if anything, to say to the teen in regards to her third quarter effort/grades. It appeared that her effort wasn't quite there and the D's/F's/zeros on homework, quizzes, and tests left me wondering what was happening. I know she spent more time at her mom's during that time, but this girl has GOALS and it just didn't make sense. However, at one time she said that I was stressing her out about grades, even though I had only told her to try her best and get help when she needs it, and also that I was here to help her. So, I have backed off and pretty much let her do her thing (kind of...I still ask every day if her homework is done, if she has quizzes/tests the next day, and if she needs help studying). I didn't want her to think that I didn't care and THAT was why I didn't address her grades, but I also didn't want her to think I was freaking out about her grades (because her final quarter grades were B's and C's, they just would have been better had she not had so many D's, F's, and zeros).

It's been an internal struggle for weeks and I finally decided I would say something...tonight.

I set the stage in what I thought would be a pleasant conversation where I would be the one in tears, not her. I was hoping my approach would give her an opportunity to speak and share her thoughts on what happened and give me some direction on what she would like me to do.

The conversation started out okay. I told her she has lived her a long time (9 months) and I know I am not her mom. I asked her if she knew how much I cared about her and if she knew I loved her...she nodded yes. I told her that I care so much about her and when she hurts, I hurt (I wrote a post about that) and that I am so very proud of her. Then, I went to the point of what happened 3rd quarter with those grades since they were so unlike her. I reminded her that she told me at the beginning of the quarter she wanted to get better grades this semester and how often she talks about college. I told her that certain things she can control, like homework grades and asking for help, and agree that some things are just harder for her and maybe C's and D's are her best...

I'm not sure at what point she went into her wall up, withdrawn, I'm not going to look at you or talk to you mode, but that's where we ended up. And then the tears started to fall (hers, not mine this time).

So, then it was just me talking to her and her not responding. I asked her if she thought I was disappointed in her, and assured her that most definitely was not the case. I asked if she was disappointed in herself, and told her she really shouldn't be. She wouldn't respond to anything, so I just kept talking and told her again how proud I am of her, that I am here to help her reach her goals, that she is so very special to me and I want the best for her...and she continued to cry.

I asked if she wanted to be left alone, she shook her head yes and is watching her favorite show.

I told her that my goal of that conversation was not to make her cry and I had no clue that was going to happen. It wasn't meant to be a tough conversation, but she does need to learn how to deal with them in a manner other than shutting down because that doesn't work so well when you are a "grown up". I just heard her make a sound at the TV, so maybe I'll see if she has anything to say...probably not, but worth a shot!

I have the next three days off and I'm hoping to get some things done around the house (since I don't have to deal with their mom-yay! ;) )

Good night.

Holy Hormones

It's just after 10:00 and I am SO tired, but feel I need to write this down (some of it anyway!) It has been a rough week. I've been really stressed out and also emotional. I have been feeling like I am juggling so many things (and I really don't know how to juggle). I'm trying to do what's right for the girls, but dealing with their mom and the way she deals with certain things has brought me to tears more than once this week. I'm feeling like I'm the one "in charge", even if I'm really not. It seems like I'm the one coordinating visits and "everything" because I'm talking to their mom and to the service coordinator, but they don't really talk to each other. So, I'm the "middle man", and it is starting to be too much. I have been told by the service coordinator more than once that I don't need to be doing all that I'm doing to accommodate their mom so visits can occur. However, I feel responsible for helping make the transition as smooth as possible, whenever that is to happen. If they are planning to just send the kids home as soon as she has adequate housing, I think they should have at least SOMEWHAT regular visits with their mom (and siblings). The times when I have left communication in the hands of their mom, she either doesn't communicate with me or blames me for the lack of communication, even though the phone does go both ways. The hard part for me is having the teenager. I love her, but anything that is said to her mom will come back to her and vice versa. (I guess I'm going to have to put on my "big girl pants" and be honest with the teen that I can no longer cater to their mom the way I have been...only maybe not using those words.)

That's just a small bit of what's been going on this week. I've been an emotional roller coaster and really stressed out...and then came today.

I was at work today and for over six of my twelve hours, I could not stop crying. Pretty much any time I opened my mouth to talk, I ended up in tears. It wasn't an overly stressful day patient acuity wise. I was working with really great co-workers. I didn't think I was thinking about the girls and the stress from this week. I just couldn't stop crying. Now, I've cried at work before (I used to cry at work a lot...named "the crier" ;) ), but it has been a while. Usually, it's if I haven't had time to eat. Today, I didn't have time to have breakfast and my lunch was a little late, but the tears didn't even seem to correlate with that. My only explanation is hormones. And holy hormones! Wow. Since I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD), I was given a prescription for progesterone. I'm supposed to take it for the 10 days when my body is supposed to be making progesterone but doesn't. I'm in the second cycle of doing this, but thought I started taking it a little early. I wasn't sure what would happen if I took it early, but I didn't want to wait too long. I talked to a nurse at the office and she said it wouldn't hurt me, but I'm not sure I believe her. I think I may call again tomorrow because today was just ridiculous. I don't know if this is my body's reaction to having something it's never had before since my progesterone has always been low or what the deal is. What I do know is that I don't want to have one of these days ever again! Thankfully, I worked with some great nurses who picked up the slack when I couldn't do much and were great at balancing when to listen, when to talk, and when to leave me alone. They knew what to do with me when I didn't even know what to do with myself (yay nurses!)

I texted the girls' mom to see if she was okay ending Sunday's visit early so I could take them to the local children's theater. We talked about it yesterday, but she didn't give me a final answer. That was when she told me she was going out of town to care for her sick/dying parents. I told the teen and she said she knew their mom was leaving, so I'm not sure why their mom continued to have us all arrange transportation and visits for her this weekend...annoying! I'm wondering at what point she would have told me since the little one was going to go tomorrow at 9 (picked up by a transportation worker) and I was going to bring the teen there on Saturday for the night. I think her being gone is an answer to a prayer I didn't know I was saying. I really needed to take a break from talking to her next week, at least taking a break from initiating the communication. It will be easier to do that when she is out-of-town. (The service coordinator is looking forward to a break too ;) ) I'm sorry her parents are sick, I'm a little disappointed I don't have my Saturday night free, but overall, this "trip" is coming at the perfect time.

I'm wondering now if some of the stress from this week was made worse by hormones because I seemed to have a harder time dealing with issues. It could also be that dealing with everything for so long (almost 9 months) has started to catch up with me.

I am scheduled to work again tomorrow, so am heading to bed. I'm first to be "forced off" for low census. I think I'd be okay with that, other than the fact it is the last day of the student nurse I have been precepting. However, I have talked to her and she'll be okay without me.

Time for bed. All that crying has worn me out big time!
Good night.

Where To Begin

It's been nearly a week since I posted anything, so I figured I should write something in case anyone wonders if I'm okay ;)

Things are crazy busy and I have no idea where the time goes. I had yesterday off and really wanted to finish up some stuff I have left to do since before Christmas (you know, like send thank-yous and a couple of gifts...yeah, I'm doing THAT badly these day!) My aunt has been going through breast cancer treatment since November. I bought her a card and still haven't sent it (or talked to her). I can't remember the last time I talked to my mom's parents, but I did buy them a Valentine's Day card. I feel like I can't "RSVP" to anything because of this roller coaster ride I am experiencing. I suppose this is what it's like to have kids and I do love being a mom, but man, some days it is just out of control!

All of us are dealing with the effects of the "transition" that really isn't a "transition" at all because it is going no where. Being at a stand still, living in limbo, lots of unknowns, has affected all of us differently. The little one is clingy and cries/wants to be held any time I tell her she can't do something, when she doesn't want to wake up, when she doesn't want to go to sleep...some days are better than others (today was a good day...yay!) Granted, I know she is still better than a lot of 3-year-olds, but this behavior change is obviously her dealing with all of the changes (and isn't fun for any of us!)

The teen's grades have REALLY slipped this quarter. Her effort also seems to be lacking, although just now she let me quiz her for her biology test and she told me yesterday about some "study tips" she found on the internet that she is going to use next quarter. She missed turning in a number of assignments and I think her test average across her 7 classes is a D. She is currently "passing" all but one class, but I think she could do so much better. I've been really struggling with how to address this, especially since I have no clue when she is going home. She IS passing, and I have told her that I am more concerned with her effort than her actual grades. I know I need to say something, but I haven't quite figured out what to say or when. She should get her report card later this week or early next week, so that could be the time. I am going to try and put in on her to talk about what happened this quarter, but she isn't really a "talker" when it comes to that kind of stuff and very good at putting up a wall. Hopefully I can find a good approach to make her willing to share what's going on. I gather a lot has to do with the fact she has spent two weekends at her mom's, her mom has flaked on a couple of visits, never calls her (except to make her feel guilty for wanting to go out with friends without talking to her first), and no one can tell her when exactly she will be reunited with her family. Basically, there is a lot going on and I don't want to "add fuel to the fire" by saying something the wrong way.

Needless to say, all of this has left me pretty stressed. I'm hardly at home and when I am, I am making phone calls trying to figure out visitation, transportation, and where to send the girls if their mom cancels. I worked Friday and Saturday, and of course those are "visit days"...or are they?! I hadn't heard from their mom all week until Friday morning when she texts that she hadn't heard from me. She never talked to me to arrange transportation, so the little one went to my sister's, the teen stayed at home, and I was at work. Sorry, can't help you. That's when she was freaking out about the teen actually wanting to go out with friends and called her for like the first time in forever to "talk to her about it". I tried to arrange transportation for the teen to go to the movie with friends (she couldn't stay the night though and I think she was feeling a bit awkward about that). However, at the first chance she had to back out, she took it and said she'd go to her mom's on Saturday. Of course, their mom texted me early Saturday morning (while I was at work) to say she couldn't come get them. Sorry, I can't help you because I'm at WORK! So, she's mad at me for not communicating and then upset that I can't help her...good times. So, both girls went to my sister's and the teen didn't go to the movie since she'd already told her friends she couldn't.

Wow, this sounds like a whole lotta complaining and a whole lotta jibberish, but I do feel better and this is my journal ;)

Overall, I guess I'd say things are still really good. I love these girls and I think that's what makes it hard. I just want what's best for them and some days I have a hard time seeing that happening. I know that these nearly 9 months have changed all of us for the better. I have witnessed progress in the teen. I have watched the little one grow a personality and learn lots of new things. I am a stronger (and "lighter"...people have been commenting even though I still can barely see the 8-11 pounds I've lost) person than I was. I am a better communicator (I think) and more flexible. I have definitely gotten closer to my own family and love being a parent.

Even though I never wrote my "One Word" post, I planned to use the word "trust" (I think...I never made a "commitment" which was another idea ;) ). Even though I have not been very good at making quiet, reflective time for me lately, at the end of the day, I know I need to trust God and His plan for me and the girls. I trusted Him to bring the "perfect kids" and He definitely delivered there :)

Okay, enough rambling. I need to bring my computer in for a couple of days (super annoying since I bought a Mac in hopes of not having troubles!) and maybe that will push me to make better use of my time.

Good night.

2-22-11

When I first started reading blogs, I read those of moms whose babies were not expected to survive. I'm not 100% sure why, but I did and I learned so much from each and every one of those babies, and from their families. Kristy's son, Asher, was born three years ago today. My birthday is on the 22nd too (only in October), so I have always felt a special connection to him. :)

Two years ago, on Asher's first birthday, Ginger gathered a bunch of Kristy's friends ("blog" and "in real life") to put together something special to celebrate his birthday. That is how I came to know Ginger, so I owe him a huge thanks for bringing her into my life :) (In looking back to find that post, I also found this one which actually is quite relevant to what's going on in my life right now...it is called "Living for a Purpose".)

Last year, I didn't actually post on Asher's second birthday, but wrote about him on the day before and the day after. (Here is a link to Ginger's 2nd birthday post...grab a tissue.)

This year, I didn't even get around to sending a card, but Asher and his family have not been far from my thoughts, and this post will be my card until the real one gets sent ;)

Thank you, Asher, for reminding me that every life has a purpose, no matter how short or how long it is.  Each of us has an opportunity to make a difference (Today's "quote of the day" on my blog is actually "We can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone." ~Ronald Reagan).  Your life brought some amazing people into mine and for that I will be forever grateful.

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven, Asher Joseph Bolte. Thinking about you and your family on this special day. With love, your 22nd buddy (posting this at 10:22 which is my time, because I'm a nerd like that ;) )

Power and Control

First off, I'm fairly certain that this is my 900th post. Wow! "Fairly certain" because in my dashboard, it says 898 when I am on "all" posts and 899 when I click on "published" posts. 100 posts in 2007 + 345 posts in 2008 + 259 posts in 2009 + 179 posts in 2010, and 16 posts so far this year added up to 899 the three times I did it. So, we shall go with this is my 900th post. Amazing...especially since the blog's called "Do I have anything to say?" Ha!

Anyway, this weekend was rough. It was the second weekend the girls spent at their mom's. I managed to put together a post on Friday night and the rest of the weekend was equally as tough (even though I worked 12+ hours both days). (I did have good conversation, good food, and a good drink when I went out on Friday night :) )

I will admit that I may talk about foster mom things more than I probably should, but mostly because people are curious about how things work and how I am doing, how much longer I will have the girls, etc. I'm not doing so great, actually. Talking about it does help and I do believe I am careful about disclosing anything that could get me into trouble.

My student nurse actually said something yesterday that kind of put into words what I'm feeling, and she didn't even mean to. Right now, things are SO crazy back and forth and it appears no one has a "plan" and I am given little/no direction. The service coordinator admitted she doesn't want to return my phone calls because she is about as frustrated with things as I am...gee thanks. My (amazing) agency worker is on medical leave for two weeks, and while someone is covering for her, she will not have a clue what is going on either (since none of us do!) Right now, the girls pretty much get visits whenever I make them happen. The only specific direction I have is that they are to spend every other weekend (Friday-Sunday) at their mom's place. Their mom doesn't call (or text) and ask for visits. She does not arrange transportation. She does not call to check on the girls on days they do not have visits. The only time she communicates with me is when I initiate it.

In some respect, I like the control. I like being able to say that I want them with me at this or that time because I can, and she doesn't argue. I like that if I never wanted to bring them to her, then she doesn't really have any room to complain because she is putting forth zero effort. I like that we have been mostly able to stick to the routine that we have had for the past 8 1/2 months where the little one goes to my sister's on the days I work and my mom takes the teen to school. On my days off, I hang out with the little one. The teen gets to and from school without problems. The little one gets her naps and goes to bed at a "decent" hour. They eat healthy food (most of the time ;) ) and I share my home with  two amazing girls.

So, a part of me just wants to keep them with me at all times unless their mom asks for them, or arranges for them to get to her. I'm in control, so I really could do just that.

However, with the control comes the power. I do not like having "the power". In fact, dealing with the stress of having the power is what has brought me to tears the past two days. I'm feeling like I have "free reign" to do as I please, but am running in circles trying to do what is best for everyone because the weight on creating a successful reunification rests on my shoulders.

Granted, it may not ACTUALLY rest on my shoulders, but it sure does feel like it and is very stressful. The State may or may not make a transition plan when their mom secures adequate housing. I have heard that as soon as that happens, they will go home. I don't think that is a good idea for anyone. Since this may be the only type of transition that is going to take place, I feel like I owe it to the girls, and their mom, to transition them. Their mom, however, does not believe she needs one and just wants her kids back (all five of them, all at once). So, getting her to ask for time with her kids isn't something that is going to happen. It didn't seem to bother her that she saw them eight times in December and about that same number of times in January.

Every time I have tried to put some sort of responsibility on their mom, she has failed to deliver. Just yesterday, the teen wanted to get back to my house earlier than 8:30 PM when I picked her up after work so she could do laundry and get organized for the week. Her mom did not manage to find any way to get her back to my house, even though our homes are only 4 miles apart. How disappointing to not be able to count on your mom for something as simple as that on a Sunday afternoon. How in the world is she going to manage her five kids if she can't even do that? How will the teen get to and from school? Their mom also didn't tell me until 6:00 last night that the little one was not staying another night as we had initially planned. I understand her reason why, but it would have been nice to know that.

Okay, back to power...since "the plan" is in my hands and their mom seems to be "ok" with part-time parenthood, I'm going to have to "force" the little one on her. I really don't want to do that because it will be hard on the little one, the teen, and me, but their mom HAS to get used to having a 3-year-old around all the time. She's a much different kid than she was 8 1/2 months ago, let alone the 14 1/2 months it has been since she was in her care. It won't do anyone any good for her to go back to her mom barely knowing her. It seems the teen was the primary caregiver, so it is also important for her to come to trust her siblings in the care of her mom.

I really was a wreck this morning feeling like I had no direction and the weight of the world on my shoulders. It felt like I can make or break this transition which felt awful. I talked to my dad and he helped me see what I need to do. So, I have to talk to the service coordinator tomorrow, and also to their mom, and hopefully it works. "His" plan involves me bringing the little one there and leaving her for a week (or more). I'm not sure anyone on the "outside" believes she will actually keep her for an entire week by herself, but we won't know unless we ask her to do it. It will be a quiet week around here, but I do want to do what is best...for all of us, including their mom.

Control is one thing, power is another. I'm working toward being "ok" having the power...or maybe just handing it over to someone else ;)

Evening update: I talked to the service coordinator (I decided I was going to leave her another message since the first one I was near tears and wanted to leave a calmer message and was [pleasantly] surprised that she answered). Basically, she told me that their mom is who she is and is going to do what she does and I need to stop making her stress me out. Easier said than done because I care about other people/want to bring out the best in them/look for the best in them...see my multiple references to being an "ENFJ". However, she did also say that she is going to try to take me out of the equation for some of this. There will be a "family team meeting" on Wednesday and neither the teen nor I will be there. I'd like to be a fly on the wall, but I'm definitely glad I won't be there. The service coordinator now knows that their mom has non-background-checked people bringing them places which has been going on for MONTHS, but will likely be addressed at this meeting. Also, she is going to arrange all transportation through the agency so that pressure will no longer be on me and their mom will not be able to have less of an opportunity to take advantage of my kindness. I'm not sure this will solve all the problems, or any of them for that matter, but I definitely feel much better now than I did when I got up this morning.


I brought the teen to see her counselor without any issues. She talked to me about some school-related things afterwards and I was able to share with her that I thought she should try harder in Spanish. I've been debating on saying anything since all I've said is I want her to try hard and not worry too much about the actual grade. However, she has gotten D's on all of her Spanish tests and A+'s on all/most of the homework/in class participation/listening quizzes. So, she totally could have a B in the class if she had at least PASSED her tests...and she would likely have passed them had she studied at all for them. She seemed receptive to my comments, although she did have some excuses. I suppose excuses are better than getting defensive and/or withdrawing! It sounds like she will have therapy again in a couple of weeks. Her mom has not been at all receptive to family therapy, as in refusing to return/answer the therapists calls, so at least the teen is willing to do individual counseling until that happens.


The little one had a fun day and I think she got more cute during the four days she was gone...I'm totally not biased ;) I think she wants to play princesses or something, so I'd better check on that, but there's the evening update :)

She Hurts, I Hurt

It's amazing to me how something beautiful can turn bitter in a matter of moments. I had an amazing week and right now I feel like complete crap. I have a knot in my stomach, my hands are shaky, I'm on the verge of tears...and I am set to have "date #4" in a couple of hours (thank goodness it's "just" drinks!). Sometimes I really hate being an ENFJ...but then I wouldn't change who I am for the world! The "one-on-one" the teen and I had on Sunday, continued throughout the week. We watched TV together, we went for a long walk yesterday (about 2 1/2 miles!), she shared bits and pieces of what's going on at school and in sports. I let her know how much I enjoy spending time with her and reminded her that she's just a really great kid.

Last night, her sister stayed another night at their mom's alone. That made for a quiet couple of days for both of us. She shared that she may want to go out with friends tonight, and I let her know that it may mean missing her visit (or part of it anyway) this weekend since I have to work (and her mom is very unreliable at arranging transportation), but she should do what she needs to do. I was really hoping she would choose to hang out with her friends. She VERY rarely has done anything social in the 8 1/2 months she has lived with me. I am proud of the fact she has handed over the responsibility of caring for her sister to me, but she has not gone full-force into teenager-hood (some of which I'm happy about, of course!) She says she has friends, but she never goes places with them.

When I picked her up from school, she was extra quiet. I asked her what the plan was for tonight. She "snottily" responded that she was going to her mom's. I tried to find out if her friends just weren't doing anything or if she just decided not to go and all she would do was shake her head. She refused to admit that anything was wrong and said I was making that up, but something obviously wasn't right. My theory is that she was feeling guilty about wanting to choose friends over family, even though that shouldn't have been what the choice was about. I know she has to be feeling confused and torn during this transition...between wanting to go home, but knowing that home will be much more chaotic than the life she knows here; I think she feels guilty when she is happy here; I don't think she knows what to do with the fact that I care so much about her, but there is no changing that :)

I guess I ought to be grateful that there weren't harsh words directed at me this time, but the words that weren't spoken are almost as hard to take. I know she is hurting, and that hurts. I can't "fix" it, and I don't like that. I did make an appointment for her to see her counselor on Monday and know she won't be happy about that. I let her know that she can come back to my house at any point this weekend, so it will be interesting to see how long she will stay. I told their mom the little one can stay until Monday, so it will also be interesting to see if she asks for her to stay longer, stay shorter, or will be okay with that.

{sigh} cutting myself some slack for being the parent of a (someone else's) teenage girl, but I have invested so much in wanting to make this time in her life as good as it can be and it hurts in these moments when I wish I could do more...

Well, in referring back to my "ENFJ" post, I know that I need to make sure to take care of my needs too...and so I'll put on some make-up and a smile on my face and go have a drink with a nice guy.

Good night.

One On One

Friday, the agency worker again forgot to pick up the girls. Of course, I was at work and it was just as/more stressful as when their mom has flaked out on getting them for visits. Super annoying and I'm not so sure I am liking this new arrangement. Last week wasn't much fun at all between trying to arrange visits, transportation, working 5 out of 7 days, dealing with a crabby/crying 3-year old and I was SO ready for a weekend off (plus two more days=4 days "weekend"-yay!)

Saturday, I brought the girls to a visit from 9-3. I told their mom I needed to pick them up that early since I was going to an event (the annual fundraiser for my/the teen's high school). However, if she had someone who could bring them back later, that was fine with me. She told me she didn't want to ask anyone to help. Okay, fine, whatever ;) I got my hair colored/done in the morning while they were gone and admit to looking pretty darn cute to go out for the evening. I asked my mom to be my DD (I ended up having 5 glasses of wine, so good call ;) ). I didn't get any pictures taken, though, and that's a bummer! My hair will never again look so cute :(

I left the teen in charge of the little one for the evening as a "baby-sitter" and it was so awesome to see her in baby-sitter mode instead of going straight to mommy mode. Just knowing that I have given her the opportunity to be a "kid" for the past 8+ months feels great :) I had a super fun time at the event (um, 5 glasses of wine, it'd be pretty hard not to...ha!) and visited with lots of different people. Some of them know the teen and it warmed this "mom"'s heart to hear other people say how great she is too :) That school really is a terrific fit for her and I pray that her mom will see that and do what it takes for her to continue going there. I came home to a sleeping little one and a clean house...bonus! :)

Yesterday morning, the girls and I went to Mass together. After Mass, I dropped the little on off at her mom's house. She stayed with her mom all day, all night, and then all day today. So, their mom had all four "little" one's without the teen to help her yesterday. I think that's something that NEEDS to happen during this transition for it to be a successful one. Last night, their mom just had the little one and she just had her today. So, they got one-on-one time which is also something that needs to happen during this transition. I'm not sure what all they did, but do know that she didn't take a nap today because they were running all over the place and I had to pick her up at a thrift store (a different one than the one she told me they would be at and she didn't bother to walk to the place where they were supposed to be since I started walking in their direction...nice.) She fell asleep in the car on the way home at 4:30 which is totally not a good nap time. Thankfully, she wasn't too crabby when she got woken up from her nap this time! Oh well, I guess I'm going to have to be prepared for a tired/crabby 3-year-old during this transition. I opted to skip a visit for tomorrow since I was a little irritated by today. I'm the one who provides transportation and it rather disrupts my day, so I'm not going to do it tomorrow. However, I think I'll bring her there on Thursday for another one-on-one day/overnight/day before I bring the teen there on Friday evening for their weekend visit.

While the little one was getting one-on-one with her brothers and mom, I was having super quality one-on-one with the teen :) After we dropped off the little one, we had brunch with my parents. She'd been talking about this event for weeks that was basically a college fair for the big university near here. So, we went to that and spent nearly 3 hours discovering more about the different majors and campus activities, got free stuff, and enjoyed each other's company. She got a new t-shirt and shared her free pens with me :) It was a really nice day and just felt like we should go for a walk. So, we walked to a Subway that's probably half a mile away, ate, then walked back. Then, we watched the Grammy's and played a game of Skip-Bo. We seriously spent all day together and it was fabulous. I just love her! Of course, I had to be all cheesy/dorky and tell her how much I enjoyed spending time with her and that it kinda made me emotional since she's so great :) I was sad to (partially) hear how her mom treated her on the phone when I suggested she call the little one to tell her good night. It was their first (only?) night apart since she went to summer camp for two nights back in July, so I imagined it would be hard for both of them. However, their mom was kind of like "why are you calling?"...at least that's what it sounded like to me. :(

Tonight, we went to dinner at a nearby Chinese restaurant and I got both of them Valentine's Day cards/gifts. I kind of forgot about getting anything for their mom from them, but am not really feeling guilty/bad about that...I did give the caseworker a card and $5 gift card...ha! Now, the little one is in bed and the teen and I have been sitting on the couch together (with computers in our laps) for the past 2 hours "watching" TV.

Tomorrow, I'll get some one-on-one time with the little one. :)

That's what's been going on around here...Happy Valentine's Day :)
Good night.

Crazy Schedules

I haven't been able to blog since we've been running crazy schedules around here! No wonder the little one cries all the time...or way more than she used to :( Poor kid has been here, there, everywhere, missing naps, getting short naps, staying up too late, getting up too early...plus she has had a cough for a while and I took her today and got her a "z-pack" for a sinus infection. It's been a crazy week, that's for sure! I have been working a lot of weekends, but have this weekend off for a couple of events. So, since I have the weekend off, my three shifts are during the week (go figure ;) ). That means, I work Saturday, Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday. That's over 60 hours in a week (if I did my math correctly...it isn't even 10:00 and I am falling asleep on the couch while typing). On my "days off" (Monday and today), I made phone calls, arranged transportation for visits, scheduled visits, took my car to the shop, took the little one to the doctor, ran a couple of errands, but nothing that feels at all productive. My house is a mess, I have letters to write, books to read, "fun" phone calls I'd like to make, but all I want to do in my "spare time" is sleep.

Monday, I thought the little one would be at her mom's from 9-3:30 with me dropping her off and picking her up. At 11, I found out that transportation actually was arranged, so she would be dropped off between 1:15 and 1:30, which definitely changed what I was planning to do during that time. When 1:30 came, I found out that the person who was supposed to pick her up forgot, so then I had to get her which messed up her schedule AND mine. It sort of went downhill from there. Today, the person DID pick her up around 1:15, but she had started to lay down for a nap at her mom's, so she got a second wind and wouldn't sleep until it was pretty late and then I had to wake her up. Both days she went completely bonkers upon being woken up from her nap crying hysterically and nearly unconsolably...good times.

The teen has actually been in a pretty good mood this week, sometimes talking my ear off when I'm trying to do something else, but I'll take that over ignoring me or being rude any day ;) She even didn't freak out when I addressed her missing homework assignments yesterday. Of course, I just checked her grades and she had ANOTHER missing assignment today. Ugh! I'm afraid I'm not a very good "parent" to a teenager who isn't really mine. But, she's a good kid who doesn't ask for much, doesn't complain, rarely/never talks back, and really does appear to want to do well in school. The missing assignments irritate me and I don't think she really needs to be getting D's on her Spanish tests... However, this morning she asked to go in early to get help with math, she stayed late for a biology review session on Monday (still got a 55%...poor kid!), and goes in for English help a lot. Yes, she does a lot of studying while she's singing, but I have been told that prior to her being in foster care, she didn't really attend school on a regular basis. She's dealing with a lot right now too, and this crazy schedule affects her just as much as it affects the little one and me.

So, we're still here. Going here, there, and everywhere without any clear direction on where things are going, but we're doing the best we can and making the most of the time we have.

I'm looking forward to this weekend--Saturday night, I'm going to a fundraising event at my/the teen's school (my mom is going to be my DD...free wine!) and Sunday, the little one will go to her mom's while I bring the teen to an event she has been talking about for over a month. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I think it is a college fair type thing :) We'll have fun. I got them both some little gifts for Valentine's Day as well as cards and we're going to eat at a Chinese restaurant for dinner. I'm definitely counting my blessings :)

Time for bed...I feel really old going to bed this early, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
Good night.

Eight Months

Eight months ago, the girls spent their first night here. Tonight, they are spending the second night at their mom's for their first planned overnight visit weekend. Re-reading posts from the first night/month they were here was probably not the best way to not be upset about the empty house! However, I went out last night, worked a 12-hour shift today, (drank a "Berry beer"), and work another 12-hour shift, so that has helped me not feel quite so lonely (plus, it's barely after 10 and I'm hoping I type fast because I'm about to fall asleep!) I'm thankful that not only am I working this weekend, but I also work two weekends from now when they are next scheduled to spend the weekend there. Next weekend, I'm off and the teen has been talking about an event she'd like to attend on Sunday for over a month, so I'm glad I'll be able to take her :)

This week was filled with lots of "talking it out". I feel like I'll talk to anyone who will listen and am getting a lot of free therapy (much needed and appreciated!) Monday, I met with the doctor about my PCOD and she got an earful (I'm sure she wasn't expecting that!), and later met with my counselor (LOVE her!) Tuesday, I talked to the teen's counselor and also to the agency caseworker. Wednesday, I worked and talked to the mom of one of our chronically ill patients about the transition, general parenting, the challenges both of us have faced, etc. Nothing like a captive audience ;) (Plus, I'm pretty sure she enjoyed talking about something OTHER than her sick child!). Thursday, I had lunch with a friend I've known since junior high (I used to baby-sit her kids and now they are 15 and 19!), but haven't seen in a very long time. Yesterday, I met with my Spiritual Director and had dinner/drinks with a high school friend I also hadn't seen in months. Today, I had a faith conversation with the mom of one of our cancer patients who apparently was just diagnosed with breast cancer (she's my age, her son is 4 and already went through one round of treatment, but the cancer came back...yeah, totally sucks!)

That is lots and lots of talking!

Talking is good, but I'm going to try and make myself spend some time in the quiet.

It appears there is going to be a bit more quiet around here, but it will take a conscious effort for me to actually keep it quiet and free from distractions, at least for a few minutes each day.

I really realized it yesterday as we were beginning my meeting with the Spiritual Director. I was thinking that maybe balancing out my hormones and practicing mind over matter helped the tears disappear for a while. Then, we quieted ourselves and as soon as she began to speak, the tears began to fall, dripping through my closed eyes as I listened to her softly spoken words, the only sound in the quiet room. It hit me then that I need to create some quiet. I am very good at avoiding the tough stuff (although maybe not as good as the teen!) and keeping a super busy schedule leaves little time to actually think about what is happening in and around me.

I purchased the new "bloom book club" book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, and just started reading it. On page 21, she writes "'...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds'...There's a reason I am not writing the story and God is. He knows how it all works out, where it all leads, what it all means..." I haven't written about it yet, but I'm "pretty sure" that my word for 2011 is "Trust" (I ought to choose "Commit"...ha!)  Spending time reading this book in my "quiet time" is something I need to/want to do.

After eight months, it is weird to be "alone" in my house, even though I lived for years this way. I am glad that I am almost too tired to miss them that much, but I do miss them (I actually missed them more during the day thinking about them not being here when I got home than once I really got home.) I knew eight months ago that it would be "temporary", but from the sounds of that first post, I also knew that I would love them...and the end of this "season" would be hard no matter how long it lasted (I still have no clue how long it will be!)

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep, since it's back to work (taking care of two kids with cancer plus another chronically sick child) and then picking up the girls. I have no clue what I will be picking up because this is a different "routine" for them too. I'll need a bit of extra energy to make it through, so...

Good night.

Snow Days

Like most of the rest of the country, we have been dealing with cold and snow where I live. The teen did not have school yesterday or today. Yesterday, I was off too, but today I was not. Things have gotten pretty much "back to normal" after the events of Sunday.

Monday morning, before school, I told the teen that it's okay to be angry/upset, but that she needs to talk about it. Saying hurtful things to me does not help either of us. At that point, she wasn't willing/able to say anything. Since then, I have left her to herself (with music and the computer) and give her time to process whatever she needs to process. I'm not comfortable with conflict either, so this could be the easy way out, but I am also an ENFJ and I also think that I need to give her space and keep open communication for when/if she wants to talk about what's going on. However, this does not mean that I will miss opportunities to remind her that people, all people, deserve to be treated with respect and there will be consequences if she treats me otherwise. I can't really remember two days ago, but I think she started making a little bit of "small talk" as soon as she got home.

On Monday, I went and saw my counselor and also saw the doctor about my PCOD and started taking progesterone to help with that. I brought the little one to her mom's for the day, so it kind of was a take care of me day :)

Yesterday, I ventured out in the snow to meet with the caseworker. We have been talking about what to do about the teen and school. I told her that with the way she's been treating me, I am not sure she would want to stay if given the choice. However, I think we planned out an approach that would explain it as being easier for their mom and better for the teen. The consensus is that the teen is scared/conflicted/worried/etc. about going home, but is unable/unwilling to talk about it. So, it's easier to turn me into the "bad guy" or say things to try to make her unlikable (sorry, sweetheart, you can't get rid of me that easily!)

When I came home, I realized she ate a bagel...yes, one of the bagels the little one and I made that she told me she would not eat because I made them. Stinker! In the afternoon, I took her to see her counselor who agreed to meet with her even though the roads were kind of bad and there was no school. (I called and told her they needed to talk!) I think the session must have worn her out because she took a nap which she rarely/never does. She also took excedrin and her headaches have to be pretty bad for her to take anything. Poor kid. So, I left her be for the most part, locked in her room with music and fb while I entertained her sister and made dinner. We did watch some TV and "chilled" together after the little one was in bed, not talking about any of the hard stuff, but I think it's okay.

Today, she spent the day at my sister's with the little one while I was at work. My sister gave her passes to a work out place and I asked if she wanted to do it together. She said sure...and I call that progress :) The woman who owns the Curves where I've been a member for over 7 years is selling it, so maybe it's time to look elsewhere...or maybe it's just what we need for the short-term. It wasn't long after I asked her about her history test that was supposed to be yesterday and is now tomorrow that she left the room to get ready for bed. I am trying not to read into that, though, because it also was the time we usually go to bed and her show was over.

I have done a lot of talking/processing too and can actually say that I'm proud of how I was able to handle things. I've heard it isn't easy to be the parent of a teenager (or any age kid!) and I'm parenting a teen who isn't mine...and have been for nearly 8 months now. Granted, she is super easy, especially after reading the twitter feed/blog of someone who has a not-so-gracious, responsible, or quiet teen, but it's still challenging...and rewarding :)

I have learned SO much from this experience, and it isn't over yet, so there are certainly more lessons to be learned! In the mean time, I am enjoying having the old teen back :)

Good night.

Wisdom

Apparently wisdom is one of the things I will be praying for...and patience and thick skin and...during this transition.

I never heard from the transportation agency, so yesterday I drove the girls to and from their visit and today my mom dropped them off and I picked them up (since I was at work). It didn't take long for the teen to say something hurtful to me on our drive home (but at least the little one wasn't crying like she was when I picked them up yesterday). I told her it wasn't very nice (she said she won't eat the bagels I made because they look scary AND because I made them) and she claimed it was in response to a comment I made. I left her be for a while when I ate dinner and gave the little one a bath. Then, I told her that I didn't deserve to be treated like that and if she continued to be disrespectful, there would be consequences...

She said she didn't want to talk to me and I fired back I didn't want her using my computer (the one that I let her use every moment of every day that she wants since the first day she came to live here...yes, that was a little childish of a response, I will admit that). She said then she would tell her teachers that was why she didn't have her homework done. She said "you will be nothing more than a person to us" to which I responded that I was a person who deserved to be treated with respect.

She left her computer and her homework and went downstairs with the door closed. She listened to music for a while and last I checked she was in the shower (while I'm running the dishwasher and doing laundry...so there ;) ). I'm not sure if she got her homework done or not, but I guess I will remember that she won't have a computer/internet at her mom's house anyway as far as I know. But, zeros are still unacceptable in my book, so if she doesn't turn in homework tomorrow, I'll have to figure out what to do.

This is totally not fun. I suppose I should be thankful that I didn't have to deal with (much) teenage drama the past eight months, but I think that makes this even more difficult because it isn't like her at all.

I'm pretty much thinking that guardianship idea, even for the rest of the semester, isn't going to turn into much more than an idea at this rate...wow!

I may try to get her to talk again before bed...and will pray for wisdom to speak if I need to and to keep my mouth shut if that's what is best.

Good night.

A Bit of an Update

As I ended last night's post, I mentioned that the last time the teen was ticked at me, she got up before I could go wake her up. I expected the same today, so when it became 6:30 (after I "snoozed" for an hour!) and she wasn't up, I woke her as usual. I should have taken that as a clue that she wasn't really THAT pissed at me, but I still wasn't sure. I let her "do her thing" for a while which I usually do and then sat at the kitchen table while she ate. I tried not to say too much, but did tell her about the new plan (however many plans that is for the week) about the girls and the boys alternating weekend overnight visits with her first weekend being next week. She did respond to the couple of questions I asked, but wouldn't really look at me (hard not to answer the question of what time do you want to leave today...ha!)

My stomach was in knots all day, but the little one and I did stay busy. We made homemade bagels after we went to work out (for the first time in a month...I weighed myself after the workout and definitely am not sure about the scale since it said that I've lost like ten or more pounds since the girls have been here-craziness, especially since I don't really feel it which is weird!) and ran some errands. I decided that if the teen hadn't found something to do with her friends she would go to a movie with my sister. My sister loves movies and hasn't been in a while-one plus. It is something fun and is not her being home alone-two plus. It would be somewhere I was not-three plus. The little one and I could enjoy the agency luau without her acting however she was going to act if I forced her to go-four plus. :)

The little one took a short nap, but woke up in a good mood and early enough that I didn't have to wake her up to go pick up the teen which was very nice. When the teen got in the car, I told her the "new plan" of going to a movie with my sister and she told me she decided to go to the basketball game/party at her school. I said "darn, my sister will be sad, but cool!" or something like that ;) She wasn't super chatty on the way to her eye appointment, but appeared to be in a good mood and answered all of my questions (I did try to limit them...ha!) She acted pretty normal at the eye doctor while I sort of helped her pick out new glasses. On the way to dropping her back off at school for the game/party, she asked if we could stop by our favorite coffee shop. I hesitated since I stopped there on the way to the family team meeting AND on the way to her therapy appointment yesterday and purchased drinks for all three of us which was $14 each time. However, she asked nicely (and actually was talking to me--bonus!) and said that it was her friend's birthday today and she loves that place. So, I stopped and got drinks for her and her friend and water for myself (sad :( )and the little one.

The little one and I closed down the agency party (it was supposed to be 6-8 and we didn't leave until about 8:20 and were the only ones there besides employees). She had a great time and I was able to mingle with the caseworkers and other foster parents (and hold a one-week old baby who was placed today...that was fun!) The teen's party doesn't end until 10:30, so I will be bringing a sleeping little one to go get her in a bit. I did tell her that I wasn't trying to be mean when I said she HAD to do something and that I was glad she was going. I may say it again just for emphasis ;)

I don't feel like I got anything done around the house yesterday or today which is sad, but true. I did make quite a few phone calls, but the other stuff just didn't get done. I signed up (mandatorily) to work an extra shift tomorrow (I know, crazy to get forced off twice in a month and then have to sign up for extra shifts once a month). Last weekend we were slow and the extra people weren't needed, but now we are full and busy, so I guess I'll be working. I shouldn't complain about the time and half plus some overtime, but the girls are to have a visit 9-8, so I could do lots of fun things like go to a birthday party and visit some friends. Oh well, it is what it is and I need to start saving some money for lots of reasons including my wish to attend my cousin's destination wedding this fall ;)

Well, there's the bit of an update...the teen is talking to me again, but now I have prepared myself (as best I can anyway) for this to happen more and more during the transition. I know the person she is most upset with in this situation is her mom, but she isn't quite at the stage where she can verbalize those feelings. It will be interesting for sure...foster mom drama (sort of...could be a lot worse I'm sure!)

Good night.

The Saga Continues

I won't ask if there could be any more changes this week because I am sure there could be! I feel like a spent a good part of the day making phone calls. I talked to the service coordinator twice (getting different information both times). I talked to the teen's counselor this morning to give her a "heads up" of what happened this week and that it appears she isn't exactly excited about all that will be involved in the transition home. I called MY counselor to change the time of our appointment on Monday since I made two additional appointments that day since we scheduled ours. I feel like I'm missing some calls, but it was a busy day!

The girls' mom had some nice things to say about me and my parents/family which is always good to hear (and makes me thankful that I have never said any of the not-so-positive things that I have thought to her!) She actually said she "thinks her girls are in the best place possible" and both her girls are really happy here. She said that takes a lot of stress off of her. We talked about the visitation schedule and since she had previously canceled Friday visits, I scheduled an eye appointment for the teen tomorrow so it would be too hard to get them to and from. I also agreed to provide both to and from on Monday since my rescheduled therapy appointment was now at the time the little one would be dropped off at my house. She did make a little "dig" at my schedule and how it was hard to work with me which makes pretty much zero sense since I have four days off a week, but whatever.

After I picked up the teen from school, I took her to her therapy appointment. I let her know then that tomorrow night after her eye appointment, she needed to do something besides stay home alone. The little one and I are going to a luau at the foster care agency and there is a basketball game/party at her school. She told me she did not want to do either of those things and I could not make her (but really I can if I just drive to the party straight from the eye appointment). I was going to tell her she could have a friend over or go to a movie or something else social (and did later), but she was too ticked to listen to the other options anyway.

When we got home, she went to her room, locked the door, and turned on her music. I let her be for a bit, then tried knocking on the door so I could give her the other options in case she wanted to talk to her friends online. She refused to respond. I waited a while longer and tried again, multiple times. She finally opened the door and told me to leave her alone, that she didn't want to go anywhere with me or be anywhere near me, and that I never give her space (let it be known, even though maybe I should not admit this, that I do not limit her computer, television, or music time and I do not monitor her fb account and the only school expectations I have set is that she turns in all of her assignments and tries her best/asks for help if necessary).

I left her alone for the rest of the night and she did not eat dinner with us (I don't think she did at all). When I was putting the little one to bed, she went and sat on the living room couch. I always sit on the living room couch and she knows that. She could have gone to the basement and shut the door until she went to bed, but she did not. Instead, we sat in silence as she studied and I read this post. I cried when I read the two links because they were exactly what I needed to read (because sitting in silence isn't something I do well!).

She went to bed without speaking to me and I'm okay with that (for today anyway). I know that she has to be angry with her mom, but has yet been able to discuss anything with her because she is also extremely loyal. So, if she needs to "practice" being mad and using words to describe those feelings, then I will (try VERY hard) to accept that and know she doesn't mean everything she says. She is hurting more than I can even begin to imagine, but I do know this transition home is going to be the hardest on her. I have not told her that the second call to the service coordinator brought word that starting tomorrow, the boys and the girls will alternate weekends with their mom. So, next weekend, she and the little one will spend Friday night and Saturday night there. I have a feeling she is going to freak out about her homework, so she will probably be a mess when she gets back Sunday afternoon or she will say she needs to be here to use the computer/internet and maybe try to skip the Saturday overnight part...or she will decide she doesn't care about school anymore (hopefully not!)


Well, I should go to bed so I can deal with whatever I am met with in the morning. The last time she was mad at me she got up on her own instead of me going in 2-3 times to get her up...that was kind of nice ;)


Good night.