She's Proud

This has been a super long week.

I think I've been too stressed out about the girls and that whole situation to really realize the fact that my grandpa is no longer with us.

I can't believe that I have "hung out" (okay, "visited with" is probably more accurate) with the girls' mom for at least 20 minutes every day this week.

I get nervous every time I have to talk to her.

I keep telling myself that I'm helping HER and if it doesn't work for me, I don't have to bend over backwards to accommodate her wants.

She told me last night that the little one is her "baby" and she is going to be/is really spoiled when she's with her. Because of that, I should expect some "behaviors". Thanks for the "heads up"...and by the way, you aren't doing her any favors by doing that.

I went up to the microphone and spoke about my grandpa at his visitation and didn't cry. That is so not normal for me, but everyone said I did a good job. I'm really going to miss him.

When I got home from the visitation, the teen was in her "funk" where it's hard to tell what's going on, but usually it means she is upset about grades/school. I have had some trouble breaking through the "funk" (as evidenced by two evenings of no-words-just-tears we had last week), but have been talking to her about expressing her needs/asking for help and reminding her that SHE matters (oh, and that I'm NOT a mind reader).

It actually didn't take too terribly long for her to start talking to me. What a pleasant surprise! She was telling me about an English paper she is going to write about college and how she is going to need to interview some people. I let her know that I know LOTS of people, including people in college, people who work at colleges, even people who work in college admissions. Then, she told me about an interview she has to do for her Health class. She is going to ask if she can do a Pediatric Nurse. I let her know that I'd be more than willing to assist with that, but if it seems that is the "easy way out", I can get her in touch with another pediatric nurse, or a nurse manager/nurse practitioner/physician/dietician/physical therapist, etc.

And then, she told me about an essay she sent to her English teacher for extra credit this week. She started that portion of our now lengthy conversation (LOVE it when she wants to talk to me, even if it's when I'm trying to read blogs or watch a show...ha!) by saying "I think [English teacher] will really like this essay I wrote." I asked what the question was and if she would share what she wrote. Surprisingly enough, she decided to share :) The question was regarding her writing history, what she found challenging about the essay that was due Monday, and basically any other comments about that.

She let the teacher know in her essay that the expectations of papers at this school are MUCH higher than anything she is used to. She said she is still learning how to do the correct format. She mentioned that while the teacher being "picky" is difficult, she would rather learn now and be able to make corrections than when she gets to college.

I let her know that I was really proud of her for being so honest with the teacher. I told her it took a lot of courage to share her fears/anxieties/needs (but that MAYBE this means she DOES actually listen to me even when she pretends she isn't, just like a "real" teenager...ha!)

And then, she said, "I'm really proud of myself too."

I almost cried--those are some of the best words I've heard in a long time.

Good night.

Gonna Miss Him

None of these are very recent, but they do show him when he was feeling well. It's hard to believe he's really gone. We're gonna miss him.

In Heaven

First off, I'm amazed at how many people check fb...I am feeling SO loved by all the thoughts and prayers I was given both there AND on twitter...gotta love technology and social media :)

I got the girls off to their visit at 3:00. I rested for a little while (driving makes me SLEEPY and I knew I would be making at least three round-trips to the hospital and it took 20-30 minutes each way) and was about to head back around 4:00 when I got a call from my dad. Apparently my grandpa had asked to go to sleep, so they were going to give him some pain meds and shut off his blood pressure medicine and IV fluids and provide comfort cares. I let my dad know I was on my way.

I got there right as they were turning off the fluids at 4:30. He no longer had his eyes open and had labored breathing, but appeared comfortable. No one was sure how long it would take, so we mostly just stayed in his room, but sort of took turns as people felt comfortable. My dad and sister ended up needing to leave at 5:30 since their bowling league started. My mom had driven back from what was supposed to be a weekend with HER parents in a town about 3 1/2 hours away from here. I had to leave a little after 6:30 since my girls were being dropped back off at my house at 7. At that time, his heart had been in "SVT" for over an hour and the nurse kept telling us usually that it doesn't take long from there, but it sort of did...I think he was worried about my grandma (or maybe waiting for his daughter who was to arrive in town around 8:00). I hated to leave, but that's how it goes. The chaplain had come and we prayed, but mostly we were quiet. It was such an odd feeling just sitting in a room with lots of people listening to your loved one take his last breaths.

My mom texted to let me know my grandpa passed away at 7:43. Had I been at work today, I barely would have been off and there is no way I would have made it there in time. (I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to afford the three days of work I have already missed and the next one or two I will miss because of the funeral, but things will work out how they are supposed to.)

It was so weird doing "this" while being a "mom". I got the call (text), the little one needed a bath and to go to bed and the teen needed help remaining calm about her two papers that are due on Monday. I will definitely sleep well tonight!

Thanks for your prayers. (Wow, this has been quite the week of blogging...I guess I started a blog to be my journal rather than pen-and-paper and these days definitely were ones that needed to be "journaled" to help sort get rid of some stress, etc. :) )

Heaven is that greater glory of which Nature is only the first sketch -CS Lewis--Right before I was going to "Publish Post", this quote came up on twitter. Nice timing :)

When It Rains...

So...while the girls' mom was upset I didn't bring them over last night, I am feeling MUCH better about not being there during that time. She had wanted them from 5-8 and at just after 8:00 there was a police call followed by a standoff and shooting ending in a person (the one threatening the life of a baby) being killed AT THE SAME APARTMENT COMPLEX WHERE SHE LIVES! While I know those things can happen anywhere in a big city, I definitely think it gives me grounds to stand on my decision that my drop offs and pick ups need to be during daylight hours. I called my caseworker to let her know about the shooting and asked her to help me when it comes to discussing future visits when we have our team meeting on Monday.

I received a phone call from my dad at 1:45 this morning letting me know that my grandpa wasn't doing well. I was obviously not 100% coherent, but at that time asked if I should call in sick to work (2:00 is the cut-off time for day shift) He said my grandpa didn't look well at all, but I didn't feel a sense of urgency...and went back to sleep.

My alarm went off as scheduled at 5:30. During one of my snooze button pressing episodes, I noticed my phone had a text message. It was from my dad and said Kristi the respiratory therapist knew me. I texted back "Oh. Weird. How is gpa?" His response: "Priest was just here. NOT good just waiting now." Whoa, whoa what?! Waiting for what?! So, I called him and he said that grandpa likely wouldn't make it through the day. Through tears, I called work to say that I couldn't come in today (someone was on call, but I DID feel bad about making her come in). Then I called my sister and let her know. I picked her up on the way to the hospital. The girls were sleeping, but I let the teenager know and she's okay staying here with the little one for a while.

When we got there, my grandpa really was struggling hard to breathe. He is on a blood pressure med to keep his pressure up and blood flowing to his brain and heart, but also doesn't help his kidneys. His one lung is filled with nasty fluid and has a really bad infection. The infection is also in his blood and he has a urinary tract infection. So, not good...except he is alert and able to talk when aroused. The nurse he has today is absolutely amazing which is SUCH a blessing. I was there until around 10:00 when I came home to get the little one (it's about a 30 minute drive which is definitely not convenient, but it is what it is). I brought her back to the hospital and we stayed until 1. He's hanging in there, but I think he's afraid to die and leave my grandma. The nurse was talking to him about making his own decision about his life since those kinds of things are really tough for the people who don't want to let you go. He was sleeping a lot more when I left, but his breathing wasn't quite as labored so he looked more comfortable.

It is SO hard seeing him like that. I don't want to imagine life without him, especially my grandma's life without him. However, he has lived most of the past 6-8 weeks in the hospital or rehab and that can't have been enjoyable. With the infection, it will take WEEKS of antibiotics to treat which will affect the rest of his body. I'm not sure, medically speaking anyway, if his body can handle that.

Only God knows what is to happen and how many minutes/hours/days he has left on this earth. Your prayers for my family, especially my grandma, are appreciated.

The girls will be off to see their mom in about 45 minutes and then I'll likely head back to the hospital for a while.

More Drama

It's been a long time since I cried as much as I have the past two days. I am so blessed to have amazing friends and family who have been there to support me during my struggles.

I picked up the teenager from my mom and dad's house after school and the first thing she told me was that she failed her biology test. As in, an actual F, not a C that she feels is an F. I quizzed her on it last night and this morning and it seemed like she knew it. She said while she was taking it, she didn't think she was doing that bad. However, that definitely didn't help her confidence. She also missed an English test yesterday (that she thought was today) and couldn't find her health homework (the twinkle twinkle little star song about vitamin b 12 I wrote) but ended up not needing it. Poor girl :(

We weren't home THAT long before my house phone rang. I don't usually answer it, but was expecting a call from her academic advisor. I was pretty sure she would call my cell phone, but took a chance on the house phone and it was their mom. Apparently, she had written down on her calendar that I would be bringing the girls there from 5-8 today. Well, I was SUPPOSED to be at work today (I was on-call/got called off) so there is no way I told her that. But, I apologized for the mix-up in dates and told her we already had plans. She was really upset about this, but obviously didn't get my drift that it was plans I made to do WITH the girls because she was talking about how she was going to call the DHHS worker to see if someone else could pick them up. I really wasn't going to budge on my plans (to the horse race track with my dad...fun and a good distraction from all the stress/tension around here!) but I also don't like having people upset with me. I left a message with the worker and also called the caseworker from my agency to explain what happened. (I later told the teenager so she has at least HEARD my side of the story...whether or not she chooses to believe her mom instead of me is up to her.)

I honestly am not trying to keep her from her girls, but I also know that the past couple of days have been ROUGH. I realize that they are going to go back to her and I can't change the way things are, but I will admit to being a "little" selfish wanting to protect the teen from being around someone who obviously didn't make self-esteem boosting one of her top priorities...at least for one day. Even though I felt like crap for a while, I do think it was the right decision. She had fun at dinner (my dad is super fun) and I let her drive home. She has been working on her English paper and I can tell she is really stressed by it (writing papers stressed me out big time...I seriously cried nearly every time I had an English paper due and even cried writing papers in college!) So, I offered to type it since she is a HORRIBLE typer. I know eventually she will have to write AND type, but for now, if I am able to take a tiny bit of stress off her, I'm going to do it.

Well, I work tomorrow, but she wants to catch up on our Days of Our Lives watching (I can't believe I watch that show AND sucked her into it!)

So, goodnight. Hoping for a drama-free weekend...a girl can hope, right?!

A Hurting Heart

When I wrote about my stomach being in knots two days ago, I had no clue how much worse I would feel today. This truly has been a rough week--pretty sure the toughest I have had in the three months I have been a foster mom. The weather here seems to fit my mood because it is threatening rain and then drizzles and spits even though it wants to, needs to pour down. I've been crying on and off the past 24 hours when I am no longer able to fight them. I'm just waiting for the down pour to happen...and am thankful I have this place to come and try to sort out my thoughts and feelings :)

Rewind a few hours to yesterday morning. My little one still had a fever when she woke up and my teenager had a headache. I dropped her off at school anyway and the little one fell back asleep on the couch after some ibuprofen (she was pretty wild and crazy for a kid with a fever prior to that though...wow!) I was on my way to take the little one to her mom's house for the day when I got a call from the school that my teen needed to come home. So, I picked her up on the way and dropped both "sickies" off to their mom. After some "discussion", we agreed that me picking them up closer to 4 or 5 was much better than 9 PM (considering neither of my parents was thrilled I would be heading to that area of town at that time of night by myself). Of course, she tried to tell me that it is perfectly safe and that shouldn't be a deterrent in her getting to have the girls later blah blah blah. But, I some how was able to stand my ground. It helped that she had both girls the whole day instead of me bringing the teen there after school.

I went home and slept for like 3 1/2 hours since I was feeling kinda crappy and wanted to make sure I didn't get whatever the little one had. I picked up a non-feverish little one and a teen who was feeling a little better around 5:00. I think it's pretty "generous" that she was able to have them from 9:30-5 on a day that wasn't a regularly scheduled visit. I was thinking she would be a lot more intimidating than she was, so I guess I prepared myself well. Of course, I know that things could turn in an instant and I'll have to be prepared for that as well.

When we got home, I let the little one watch a Dora movie (again, I know) so I could try and resume the conversation I wanted to have with the teenager. I started off by apologizing for the night before. She needed to come up with something "catchy" to talk about Vitamin B12. She loves to sing, so I thought it would be fun for her to write a song about it to one of her favorite songs. Well, we spent 3 hours trying to figure it out and both went to bed at 12:30 without anything done. So, she was going to have nothing to turn in (except I was feeling awful and wrote a little something to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star for her before I went to bed) which definitely didn't help her stress level.

So, after I apologized for not helping her time management (she didn't end up going to that class so had until today to figure it out), I started back in with the rest of the conversation. I had barely started talking when the tears started flowing. She cried for a good 30-40 minutes as I talked to her and told her how proud I am of her, how special she is, how much she means to me, how I want the best for her, how I want her to be able to see how amazing she is, etc. She just bawled and was unable to speak (I did try and pause periodically to give her a chance to talk). I let her know that I am NOT upset by her grades because I KNOW how much effort she is putting forth. However, it seems that writing and reading comprehension are challenging for her so I suggested she talk to someone who can help her with that. My heart was just broken by the fact that it upset her SO much to hear how amazing she is...

If you have been reading this, then you KNOW how great of a kid she is. Seriously, this girl is amazing. My heart hurts that I didn't realize HOW much she was hurting inside. I mean, she has lived with me for THREE MONTHS and I knew she was hiding her feelings, but to see it come out like that is so sad. Now, I'm questioning everything...have I really not told her how special she is? Did she really not know how much she means to me? Okay, so maybe this really isn't about me, but I'm just feeling so awful. I guess maybe I've been too afraid to come right out and tell her how loved she is because I didn't want her to think I was trying to steal them away from their mom. I know I've told her how proud I am of her and that "she's the best", but apparently she doesn't really believe it.

Okay, now I'm a blubbering mess and hardly making any sense. In my heart I know I am helping these girls and so is my family, but I am wondering now if I should have been doing more. I have never pressured her to talk about her feelings, or about what brought them into the foster care system. Maybe she thought I didn't care, but that wasn't the case at all. It just makes me sad (my stomach has just been churning and now I'm not sure how I'll make the tears stop) to know that by her reaction, those aren't things she has heard often enough to actually believe them.

But, I DO care, and for however long she is living in this home, I will show her that I care, and tell her too. This transition back t0 home may be even more difficult than I imagined.

Alright, I've gotten out my big cry (now, if only the skies would open up and it start pouring down rain). I likely didn't make a whole lot of sense, but I feel a lot better.

It may be time to join the little one for a quick nap before we pick up her sister.

Knots and Tears

Yes, this is my third post in 24 hours (#1 and #2) after days of not posting, but it has been one of those days that just requires a lot of blogging!

These past 24 hours have left my stomach in knots. It all started with the call yesterday informing me that I needed to start facilitating additional visits for the girls and has been "downhill" from there.

The call to their mom this morning (see post #2 from this 24 hours) left me frustrated with myself for falling into her manipulative trap (to cut myself a LITTLE bit of slack, I'm sure she has spent many years perfecting it...and I'm an easy target.) I'm still upset that I agreed to let the little one spend an entire 12 hours with her unsupervised considering up until now, they have been getting maybe 9 hours a WEEK supervised. I suppose, in a way, I'm doing as I was told, but I still have an uneasy feeling that it isn't the right thing to do.

I worked myself up to talk to the teenager about her grades. I'm not upset by them because she is working SO hard and WANTS to do well. I know she has been frustrated that her effort isn't really showing up in the grades she is getting. I decided that I would approach it as having her look at them with me and show her that MY observation is that she has trouble with assignments that are written (like papers) and that reading is hard for her. From there, I was planning to suggest she either talk to her teachers about helping with those things or allowing me to read her homework before turning it in.

Well, my best laid plans did not work out so swell. She got defensive and snotty and refused to look at me or talk to me. She knelt by the side of her bed for over 45 minutes doing homework while I stood in the doorway and stared at her because she refused to look at me or talk to me. The only reason our "silent treatment" came to a halt was the three-year-old decided she was done watching Dora and wanted some attention as well. She snuck past me as I said something to the effect of you WILL be talking to me...and her response was that there was nothing to say.

And so, I shut the door to her room leaving a crying three-year-old in the hallway and said we HAD to talk. I let her know that I didn't understand why she was upset because I was NOT in any way, shape, or form upset with her and wanted her to let me know if I did something to make her THINK that I was. At that, she burst into tears, still hiding her face and refusing to look at me or talk to me. I told her how proud I was of her and explained that it appeared to me that reading and writing are tough for her, likely because she has been in many different schools in her life and is now in a private, college-prep high school. She continued to cry and not speak, but agreed that later she WOULD talk to me.

So, I left her be to do her homework/study and came back to my crying 3-year-old who felt "abandoned" even though she had her Dora (I rarely let her watch TV and we got this movie at red box because I thought my friend was coming over to visit and I needed something to occupy her while we talked!) Now she is whining and clinging to me and it upsets me even more that I'm sending her to be with her mom for 12 hours tomorrow.

I am afraid the next 24 hours won't be any easier, so "good vibes" and prayers are definitely appreciated.

Time to put the little one to bed...and hope that the teen is ready to talk.

1030 update: I took a side trip to the pharmacy for migraine medicine for the teen, tylenol and ibuprofen for the toddler with a 102.7 fever. The teen and I are making a song about vitamin B12 but have yet to have "a talk". What a night!

Another Quick One

Just got off the phone with mom. Apparently, 9-noon didn't quite work for her schedule/plans today. Nope, she wants her the WHOLE day when she gets her, none of this short stuff. I personally think that shorter visits increasing gradually would be better, but what do I know?! So, I guess tomorrow, I will bring her there at 9 and pick her back up at 9, bringing the older one there after school. I suppose all I can do is document, document, document. I have a feeling that the little one won't like being there with her mom by herself, but mom won't realize that and spin her behavior to mean something else. She said that the little one cries and is scared with the visitation workers and I've NEVER witnessed anything like that (hello, the girl talks non-stop in the grocery store to strangers and when strangers are around!) So, this transition to home is going to involve issues that I can't even imagine right now...and I'll have to make sure to keep my facts straight in case she continues to spin the truth to meet her needs and make her look like mom of the year. {phew, nice to have that off my chest!}

I sort of wish I'd been able to put my foot down and stand by my shorter visit idea, but she made me feel like crap for thinking that shorter visits with her kid would be better...shocking that she was able to spin things like that, right?! I suppose I shouldn't expect her kind words for me to last during this transition. Again, document, document, document.

And, the little one took a bath and is wearing a cute dress all in preparation for her morning visit...that wasn't to be. Good thing I didn't really tell her that she was going to see her mom today!

{sigh} I signed up for this, I signed up for this...

Time to play with the little one...now that we have all day together :)

Quick Update

Quick update since I was originally put on-call this morning and had been planning my nap since my alarm went off at 5AM. It's now after 11PM and I did get called into work, so there was no nap for me.

I got a call from the State worker. I've only talked to him a couple of times and today he called to let me know about the visits being changed from supervised to semi-supervised and what that means. He said that someone needs to be there for the first 20 minutes and the last 20 minutes of the visit, but they could have any length of visits besides over-night at this point. The current visitation agency is doing visits three days a week for three hours. He "suggested" that I "facilitate" visits on other days since the agency won't do any more (and actually gets paid for the entire three hours even though they are only there for 40 minutes). Basically, I "need" to talk to their mom and schedule some times for visits. Once the visits become unsupervised (he is thinking maybe 10 days), then there will be no agency which I'm thinking means that transportation and arranging visits is my deal.

Oh yes, I did sign up for this...

So, I put on my happy face and called their mom from work. I let her know that I didn't have my calendar, but would call tomorrow to set up some visits. I told her that I couldn't ask my family to provide transportation to and from, at least not at this point. However, I'm willing to do what I can to make it so she has more time with her girls if possible (as long as it is convenient for me ;) ). She seemed agreeable to this, and the fact that she "appears" to like me makes me a lot less nervous...considering I'm thinking about taking the little one there tomorrow morning.

Yes, tomorrow morning, I will meet the mother of the girls I've been taking care of for the past three months. I'm a little freaked out...okay, a lot...especially since I have to sit there for at least 20 minutes at the beginning and 20 minutes at the end. I'm particularly worried about that second transition from the visit back to me.

So, any good vibes/prayers sent my way in the AM would be accepted/appreciated. :)

P.S. Later in my shift, I called my caseworker from my agency and let her know about all the visitation changes and what the State caseworker had discussed with me. She was glad I was keeping her informed because she has not yet received the court report or any communication from the service coordinator or State caseworker...lovely!

Good night.

Three Months

I can't believe that I've been a foster mom for three months now. I still find myself wondering how this can be, that this really IS my life. I'm a "mom", something that I have wanted to be my entire life. Granted, these girls will go home, but for now, I'm "kinda" raising them, (even though I sometimes feel like a baby-sitter because there is NO way I'm REALLY a mom, right?!)

Even with all the pinching that's been going on, though, I do believe that I am doing a good job...and that my home and my family are a perfect fit for these girls in this season of their life. I'm not much of a "pat myself on the back" kind of person, but when I sit down and think about it, most of the time I feel like I know what I am doing!

"M" is super stressed out about school. That girl studies constantly and is trying REALLY hard. After every test and quiz, she comes home saying things are "horrible", even though I helped quiz her and KNOW how much time she spent preparing for them. Granted, she doesn't have straight A's right now, but here are her classes--Biology, Algebra, Spanish, Theology, World History, Health, and English. I have told her time and again that the first round of tests/quizzes is the hardest because you have no idea what the teacher will expect you to know or how he/she will ask the questions. She is not failing any of her classes and I can't be upset about her grades with the amount of effort she is putting forth. I think writing is a challenge for her, so I will continue to encourage her to let me read her papers prior to her handing them in, but so far she has not let me do that. She was doing homework at 9:00 this morning before Mass and she is studying right now (after cleaning her room AND washing all of our dinner dishes...she is so awesome!)

"L" and I had a lot of fun last week. I had all week off because I was scheduled to work Thursday/Friday/Saturday. I ended up calling in sick on Thursday because my parents were out of town and I didn't want to drive her "all" the way across town to my sister's house PRIOR to dropping "M" off at school by 6:40 and getting myself to work by 7. Plus, I don't think my sister wanted to be up that early! So, we had lots of one-on-one time which was good, but also REALLY tiring! God bless the stay-at-home mom because I honestly don't think I could do it! By 9:30 most days, I was ready for a nap! Granted, I'd been up for 4 hours by then, but still, that was after getting a full night's sleep and being with a child who doesn't need constant attention or supervision! We tried to do a little bit of "school" each day since she isn't going to a structured pre-school. She doesn't know her colors, so I'm trying really hard to get her to learn those! We did some finger painting and other "hands-on" activity pretty much every day and one day we went to the Zoo. She likes to help me cook and is really a ton of fun. She did manage to "earn" herself a couple of time-outs, but for the most part, I'm SO blessed that she actually CAN entertain herself for a while (and feed herself, dress herself, basically give herself a bath...ha!)

We made "finger paint" out of flour, salt, water, and food coloring. It actually cleaned up pretty easily. I was worried about the food coloring, but I guess it isn't much/any different than frosting for sugar cookies!

This is something that people call "oobleck" or something like that. It's just corn starch and water, but as you can tell, she had a fun time. I did save the left-overs so we may try this again this week. I tossed the rest of the finger paint down the sink which was another "plus" for that!

We actually finger painted on the front porch on Thursday, but those pictures aren't uploaded from my camera yet.

So, there's an update on the girls. Apparently, their mom was granted unsupervised visits, effective this past Friday, but they decided that it wasn't necessary to tell the caseworker or me. It's great when your 15-year-old keeps you informed of what's going on...ha! I'm not exactly sure what this means because it happened right before the holiday weekend. They did get to go to a family gathering on Friday evening and Saturday afternoon without a visitation worker, so that is nice. The one thing that has me curious is that apparently they have a HUGE family, so why were the kids not placed with family? They have been in foster care for about nine months now and that's just crazy to me that no one in the family "stepped up" to take them...or maybe people in their family couldn't pass background checks?! No clue, but it is sad. I mean, the girls have it really good right now (if I do say so myself...ha!) but they have missed out on a lot of family things since they have been in foster care.

I suppose I need to start preparing myself for when they go back home, even though I'm not sure how/when this will happen. People have asked me if is going to be hard. In some ways, it will be. I mean, even though it's hard to believe, they HAVE been a part of my life for three months now. We have a relationship. We have lots of memories. I lived by myself for three years before they came to live with me and now it feels like I'm rarely by myself! I am so blessed that my first experience with motherhood has been with such great kids...especially since if you tell people you have a teen and a toddler, they think you're some kind of saint...ha! There are no other kids like them and I'm sure the house will feel empty without them in it. Thankfully, this isn't going to happen in the VERY near future so I don't even know why I brought it up! :)

Work is fine. Things have changed a lot, but I do still enjoy what I do. I have to focus on that and not get discouraged/frustrated with the changes. We have lost some staff and our census fluctuates all the time so sometimes we need extra nurses and sometimes you don't get your hours. They may start doing mandatory on-call, and we may need to work more weekends and holidays. Definitely not enough changes to send me looking for another job, since I've been there for nearly seven years, but enough to make me want to put my two cents in whenever I can to make it so I DON'T feel the need to look elsewhere.

I've been so busy recently and I miss blogging, reading blogs, being on facebook, talking to friends. I guess having kids, even if they are older, does change things! I feel like I'm "out of the loop", but maybe it's OK that I have 225 unread posts in my Google Reader... It's totally different, but right now my job is to be there for these girls and that involves playing Barbies, finger painting, reading books, singing lullabies...and watching Days of Our Lives, studying for quizzes and tests, listening to complaints about homework (and semi-sympathizing), and teaching a girl to drive.

It's been way too long since I posted, so there's a nice little book :)

Happy Labor Day!

Wordless Wednesday

We Survived

I "may" have been left drooling during an hour-long nap on the couch, but we all survived yesterday's 3rd birthday and today's Princess Party. I actually can currently walk in my room (there "may" be a box with all of the things that previously were on the floor, but for now they are out of the way!) And, I have a scrapbooking room that is "almost" functional, which is good because we took a LOT of pictures and I need to start putting together pictures of M and L to take with them when they leave. M was SO helpful and I definitely couldn't have pulled it off without her. In fact, I'm guessing if you put the lists of what we did next to each other, it may actually look like I did "nothing"...why, then, did I need that nap that left me drooling?! ;) She and her friend immediately cleaned up after everyone left, so besides the balloons and presents in the living room, it doesn't even look like we HAD a party! (Seriously, what High School Sophomores are like that?! Amazing girls!)

Okay, onto the pictures...the few of which I feel "safe" to post, since technically, foster parents aren't supposed to post photos of their foster kids. But, I figure if they just look like other girls their age/size and I don't disclose the city/State where I live, it shouldn't be an issue. So, here goes.

Well, obviously this isn't "L", but it IS my nephew who is now FOURTEEN months old! I haven't taken/posted pictures of him in a while. He is getting SO big and definitely has a mind of his own. L isn't THAT great with him, but I imagine that is partially an age thing and also that she is the "baby" of her family. She gets extremely jealous when other people, especially me, pick him up and play with him. My sister is doing a great job with her, and for that I am grateful. She's still quite a bit more of a nervous/worried/protective mom with "A" than I imagine I will be, but he will turn out fine :)

My sister, nephew, L, and I had breakfast at IHop yesterday. I was mis-led in my wanting to substitute French Toast for pancakes and it ended up being $18 for L and I to eat, even though my sister and I used a Buy One Get One coupon. I was too distracted to look that closely at the receipt, but probably should have said something. Oh well, she got ice cream with a candle and all the wait-staff came and sang to her. :)

From there, we went to the dollar store which is just a fabulous place. I got princess balloons (3 of course) and a bunch of little gifts to add to her gift bag. Amazing that they can sell all that stuff for $1!

After that, we went to the place where my sister buys hair products. The girls there gave L a really cute bracelet after I told them it was her birthday...so sweet!

Then, I took her to that big store that I never go to because I prefer Target, but knew they had a nail place. She got flower designs put on her painted fingers for $6. Good thing they were cheap because she has already bit all of them off!

She got a lot of compliments on her dress, but I couldn't take credit for this one because it came with her. When the previous foster mom texted me, I let her know that :) This is a picture of L helping me in the kitchen. She likes having "jobs" and this time I was letting her help me make an ice cream cake.

I think it turned out well...and it was very yummy!

I had a coupon for a free pizza at one of my favorite restaurants as well as a gift card to the same restaurant. So, to off-set the cost of our "regal" breakfast, that's where we went for her birthday dinner. The pizza had like five kinds of meat on it, so after our appetizer, each of us could only eat one piece. Yay for free AND leftovers!

It was a nice night and still pretty early, so we went to a park. She went on the swing and we all went on the merry-go-round (I don't remember feeling so sick on those, but didn't last NEARLY as long as I used to be able to!) She went down the slide and ran around when I told her I wanted to take pictures some where.

Time to go! Fun tunnel entrance/exit :)

Now, I love M and her friend, but last night, their planning/communication was, well, likely normal for Sophomores. However, it left me with heartburn and definitely some not-so-kind comments directed their way. They wanted to go to the first school dance of the year. I, too, wanted them to go because I remember going to school dances when I went to high school where they go. The dance was 8:30-11:30. It isn't TOO far from my house (read: less than 5 miles round trip) but I wasn't sure how that was going to work. Of COURSE they didn't want to go at the beginning, so her friend would pick her up at "9"...and then I would pick them up and her friend would spend the night. Well, 9 turned into closer to 9:45 and the little one had stayed up because M had told her ALL day long that her friend was coming to see her/play with her. Of course L freaked out when I was trying to put her to bed without her sister here and was a bawling mess (plus, it was LATE and we had had a busy day!) I was so irritated that I was going to have to get her up to drive to the school...I was planning my "talk" the whole time they were gone.

However, things worked out, L pretty much stayed asleep, they were "silent" during the drive home, and she went right back to sleep. Then, the girls helped SO much with the party that I think it best not to say anything. Ah, the learning curve of starting with a teen and a toddler...I do feel like things could be a LOT worse and don't ALL parents just do the best they can?!

This is the only picture taken today that doesn't show her face. We had pizza, punch, princess cake, and our ice cream cake. Simple, but fun, and we had a HOUSE full! Ok, we had 12 adults and 6 kids, but it felt like a LOT since we were just in the kitchen and living room (oh, by the way, someone GAVE me that couch nearly seven years ago and Lord knows how long THAT person had it, but it works and I have other things to worry about/spend money on...you know, like my MacBook...ha!) My one friend adopted her two kids from foster care and they have some behavior "issues", especially the boy. So, that was a little tough and he blew out the candles for her. Also typical of kids' birthdays is that all the other kids want to "help" open the presents and play with the toys. But, all in all, everyone had fun and we survived :)

My family was all really good with their gifts and mostly bought practical, not that expensive gifts. It's tough, but considering their mom didn't really call to talk to her on the phone yesterday or today, keeping it "low key" is probably best. (She did call and talk to M both days briefly about what happened at court and about the plans for their family gathering today...well, that's what I'm assuming they talked about.)

Speaking of court, there is no official word on what happens from here. Apparently, the judge didn't want to make a ruling when everyone was there, so that doesn't sound "great". I think they had asked for visits to become unsupervised, or semi-supervised. Once they go to unsupervised, it may be my responsibility to transport them to and from visits. Sweet. I guess I did sign up for this. They system seems to move really slow since her last court date was in MARCH. So, hopefully the next one won't be so far away, especially if they can't move forward with the transition back until after she goes to court again.

It's such a mess...note to self (and others): Don't get your kids taken away because you will have to jump through hoops to get them back.

So, they went to a family birthday/reunion type thing with the visitation workers and I took a nap (and had time to post a very wordy blog post!) I was hearing "through the grapevine" that their mom wanted me to come to the party so the girls could stay longer, but she has yet to ask me herself (even though I spoke to her briefly on the phone twice today). That would take place less than an hour from now, I'm wearing sweats and my hair is a matted mess, so at this point I'd be tempted to say "no" if she calls to ask. However, I guess I'll see what happens when/if that time comes because my party dress IS still laying out on my bed (and I'm about to wrap up this post so I can get dinner).

We survived, and had a lot of fun. I have the next five days off and am looking forward to more fun with the girls :) This is my first full weekend off in FOREVER and it is awesome!

Ta ta for now.

New Look

I have to make this "short and sweet" since the little one is napping and I need to find energy to clean since there are PEOPLE coming to my house on Saturday for a birthday party (hopefully!) I also need to shower, pay bills, and be ready to go to a work meeting before we pick up M from school. Fun times :)

Anyway, on Saturday, my aunt and uncle came over to help me in my back yard. I've never really used my back yard even though it is fenced in. There isn't any lighting back there, but really I don't know why it never gets used. There was an ugly shed back there that held my mower, some "tools" and a handful of other items. The door had fallen off and it was a bit rusty (plus it was ugly!) So, my aunt and uncle took it down (with a little help from me!) I pulled weeds (there were a LOT of them...boy do I miss those weeds ;) ) and the little one played in the dirt.

I didn't get a really good "after" picture, but the picnic table is also gone and my back yard looks COMPLETELY different! I need to go back there and make sure it is "safe", because it would be really nice to be able to use that area on Saturday.

I got a letter from the agency reminding us not to post pictures of our foster kids on facebook/myspace. It doesn't mention anything about "blogs" (ha ha) but I'm sure it means that too. However, I'm nearly positive that none of the photos I have (or will) posted are images that could actually identify the girls. No where on here does it say where I live and my thoughts are that "L" couldn't be identified in a line up of other dark-haired girls of her size with pictures like the ones above and previous ones...hopefully I'm correct and "safe".

Okay, enough "stalling". It's going to be a little inconvenient having the mower in the garage instead of in the back yard, but I'm pretty excited about my new look :)

Ta ta for now!

Come on, now, really?!

Come on, now, are you for real?! That's seriously what I wanted to say to the person from the state who called me at 12:45 (after multiple messages left by me) to let me know that tonight's visit was canceled. They didn't have visitation workers to do the visits. It has been at least 2 weeks of canceled visits for that same reason (this time it isn't the mom's "fault"...well, not entirely anyway). That left me texting my mom, dad, and sister letting them know that they would be needing to watch the girls until I got off work AND would have to break the news to the girls that they would not, in fact, be seeing their mother and brothers today.

Seriously, freaking annoying.

And, not only that, but tomorrow's visit was scheduled for 10-1 and Sunday was to be the same. Oh no, that would be WAY too easy since, you know, the whole visit on Saturday morning thing was what almost canceled the birthday party for next week. Nope, tomorrow is either the boys OR the girls and is to be right during the time we were planning to go to church and a baseball game. So, boys it is. Sunday's visit is now from 1-5, seriously. Not only that, but NOW they have visits Monday and Tuesday as well which was totally not in the plan and we made OTHER plans for those days (Tuesday's pick up is scheduled right in the middle of a monthly work meeting...yeah, super nice, thanks).

Oh, and next Saturday's visit is in the afternoon, not in the morning, so I WOULDN'T have had to call their mom and work out a compromise that involved me inviting their brothers and attending a family gathering with them.

So, because they can't get their act together, I had two girls who missed visits, a sister who had to baby-sit longer, a mom who had to alter her work schedule, and a dad who is used to having the house to himself. I was at work, but it did make for a heck of a lot more text messages and phone calls! And this is just what this change did TODAY! Monday and Tuesday are another story because they want to pick up M at a time when she isn't even home from school.

Come on, now, really?! Do these people think that we're sitting around at home eating bon bons waiting for whenever they decide to have visits?! No, we plan things like birthday dinners and birthday parties, things like baseball games and school dances, things like work meetings and church. We aren't going to stop living just because we MAY need to be ready to change our plans at the drop of a hat.

However, we may be learning that we can't get the girls' hopes up for things that could potentially not happen. I, for one, don't want to be the cause of any more disappointment because these girls have had more than their share. I have learned how to make little things exciting, so toning things down may be tough for me!

On a good note of the day, my parents and sister have been AMAZING through all of this, especially since they didn't "sign up for this". Also, M went out with her friend to play miniature golf and they are having a sleepover. L was on her best behavior and there were no issues with her leaving her sister at school and spending the day with my sister alone.

So, with that, good night.

Part of the Deal

Today I had to deal with one of the not-so-fun parts of being a foster mom...

After many messages left, I finally found out when the visits will resume and when they will be.

They have never had visits on Saturdays, so I sent invitations and prepared to have a Princess Party on Saturday the 28th to celebrate the little one's 3rd birthday. We decided 1130-130 would be a good enough time to show we cared, but not be over-the-top. I planned on pizza and cake/ice cream. My sister ordered a little bit pricier/fancier cake as her present. It all seemed perfect...until I found out this morning that visits will be Friday nights 5-8, Saturdays from 10-1, and Sundays from 10-1.

Are you kidding me?! I was like "can't you just change the visit so we can have this party as we planned"? Oh no, remember that I'm NOT the mom, she is, and she gets her visits. Okay, I get that, but no way was I going to invite her to come to my house for the party for the visit as the person from the state suggested. How awkward would THAT be?! Sure, she likes me now and I've tried not to say anything negative about her, but still, MY family is going to be there and that seems kind of weird. So, basically I was told that I needed to call the mom to work this out.

I took some deep breaths and decided that waiting wouldn't make it any easier/better. When I told her about the party, she said that was nice, but she was going to ask me to bring the girls to an all day family gathering that day. Come on, really?! I just wanted the visit moved to 9-noon so we could still have the party. Then she was upset that I didn't invite their siblings, but seriously, couldn't they have THEIR family party on Friday night. Why is that my problem that she is super busy with all their family stuff so she doesn't have time to plan a party?! Grr!

Well, after over 30 minutes of round and round, painful conversation (holding my breath that she wasn't going to invite herself to the party!), we were able to come to a compromise...I think...I hope. She will "allow" me to have the party as planned during the 1130-130 time frame as long as I bring the girls to the afternoon events. She was still upset about the boys being "not welcome" at the party...seriously?!

But, I talked to "M" about inviting her brothers and she thought I should. My mom's concern was them "comparing" where the girls are living versus where they are, plus the fact that "L" will obviously get gifts because who doesn't want to buy something for a 3-year-old girl?! My concern was them feeling out-of-place and bored since I didn't plan any games and don't have that big of a house. However, in order to "make peace", I called their foster mom (the first time I have talked to her) and told her about the party. She, too, was asked to bring them to the family gathering that day, but this morning party fits better into her schedule for that day (don't ya love how foster parents' schedules are supposed to work around the biological parents' schedules?!) so it could actually work out "perfectly"...

Well, that is unless she changes her mind...

I'm still hoping she doesn't decide that SHE needs an invitation to the party (thank goodness for the family gathering, I guess...nice little "blessing in disguise"!)

I suppose when I signed up to be a foster mom, dealing with biological parents is part of the deal...and I know that I am lucky that she likes me (for the time being anyway)

Well, "M" starts school in the morning and "L" was REALLY acting out today, so that will be fun. I signed "M" up for driver's ed, so we went out driving twice today (in the cemetery which my dad so kindly pointed out is a good place to go because "you can't kill anyone there") The cemetery I picked had lots of winding roads and the second time we went in the evening when no one else was around. She greatly improved from the first time to the second. Of course, she didn't go any fast than 15 mph, but you wouldn't really want to on those roads anyway!

I have to get up early too, so better head to bed.

Good night.

Not Quite Ready

"My" teenager starts her sophomore year on Thursday. I'm not quite ready for the summer to end...

This has been a summer like no other...and like no other will be. All good things must come to an end, I suppose...as the saying goes.

This little one will still be with me...I'm not quite sure how my grand idea of "home schooling" will be, but we will have fun...and I'm certain she will learn new things.

Apparently, she does already know how to climb...

and I love my new computer...can you tell?!

Good night :)

Testing, testing

Last night I bought a new computer, my first "Apple". My brother-in-law told me it was the way to go. I just knew I needed a computer that would stop crashing on me (HOW many times has it broken since I bought it four years ago?!) While it financially maybe wasn't the best idea, I NEED to have a computer that works or I will go insane...seriously ;) I do have a netbook, but it is a bit more challenging to do work on there, plus I have been letting "M" use it. So, I took the plunge and bought a MacBook. I got it with 24 months no interest, so it will be less than $50 a month, which isn't too bad (for something that keeps me out of the nut house, definitely worth it...ha!)

I'm going to have to take a class to learn how to use it, but think using iPhoto will be a lot of fun. I enjoy taking pictures but am not a photographer by any means. I have no clue how to use photoshop or "fancy" cameras. However, this looks like a fun and easy way to change up my pictures. Here are a couple from when the girls and I went downtown to feed the ducks and walk around. "L" was being a little stinker tonight, but I still love her and think these pictures are cute (as are the ones where you can actually see her face, but I can't post those ones...darn!)

The first time I looked at Photo Booth, I laughed so hard I cried (and nearly wet my pants!) Yes, I totally took this completely unattractive picture of me in my pjs after a 12-hour shift, but it's the effect I'm after, so even if I was beautifully dressed, it would STILL be funny (and not very attractive...ha)!

I'm going to have fun with this computer. Tomorrow is my last weekend day off before school starts...wow! I'm not ready for those early mornings, but it is what it is and we will make it through like everyone else does :)

Good night.

Summer Fun

This morning, the little one and I went to a foster parent/child gathering at a sprinkler park (we left the teen at home to relax/clean/study). She was timid at first and clung to me not wanting to get near the water, but eventually got brave and even got her hair wet. I didn't grow up going to the pool/playing in the sprinkler, so we haven't done much of that this summer. However, I was able to capture some fun pictures of her enjoying herself that I am able to post since you can't see her face :) I got wet and enjoyed myself too. Maybe we will have to go back...we are going to have to find things to occupy our time once the older one goes back to school and it's just us!

Happy Summer! :)

At the Mention of Her Name

The teenager isn't talking to me. I guess the upside of that is number one that it doesn't happen that often and number two that it means I get to use our computer.

Today we ran around all day long and the little one didn't go down for a nap until 3:30. She was surprisingly cooperative all through our errands even though she didn't get a nap...I am so blessed!

Our first stop was at the DMV to get the teenager her learner's permit. We went inside, then realized that I needed proof of address. I wasn't sure I had appropriate documents, but ended up finding some things in the car and we went back inside...to wait and wait for our turn. She got her picture taken, did the vision check and then the little one and I waited outside while she took her written exam. She took her time, but still didn't pass so we will have to go back. She was given some practice questions so hopefully she will pass the next time.

From there, we went to the mall so she could use my "Vicky's" coupons which were for a free pair of underwear and $10 toward anything (she got three mini lotions/perfumes). We then grabbed lunch to go from Panera and went to meet with the caseworker at the agency.

We ate lunch and filled out paperwork. While we were at the DMV, we discovered that M's birth certificate has a different birth date than everything else...not sure why she didn't know when her birthday was, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, that doesn't sound like something very fun to change (I don't think her birth certificate is wrong like she suggested...guess she'll have to ask her mom the next time she sees her!) The agency had a bunch of clothing donations, so we got some things for the little one. "M" was given the tubs with things her size/age and pretty much stuck her nose up at everything until I went through one with her and showed her some items th
at WOULD fit and that money doesn't grow on trees at my house...ha! She's always a little "stand-off-ish" when we meet with the caseworker and hardly says a word which is totally not typical of the girl who talks my ear off even when I'm OBVIOUSLY reading/typing something on my computer...ha! I'm not sure why she is so rude, but I guess the caseworker is used to it and I haven't figured out a way to address it, or even know if I should.

After we got home, I put the little one down for a nap, did a few things, and then called my mom in another room while M was on the computer. I was talking to my mom about a couple of different things, including L's birthday that is coming up on the 27th. I think I will have a small lunch party for her on that Saturday with pizza and cake. I mentioned to my mom that I hadn't decided yet if I should invite the previous foster parents since the girls were with them for six months (and they are paying for M to go to private school, but she doesn't know that). Apparently M was listening because she yelled a "No" to which I shot back an "I wasn't talking to you". When I was off the phone, I let her cool off a little before I apologized for snapping at her, but really WASN'T talking to her. She wouldn't look at me, but responded by telling me that if she was invited, she wouldn't come out of her room and she basically that she doesn't appreciate me even thinking about asking them because they aren't "family". She said a few other things regarding "the way she was treated there". I have a hard time believing things were THAT bad there (HELLO, they put her in private school and are still paying for it even though she is living with me!), but told her that I appreciated her input and would take it into consideration.

That conversation happened an hour or so ago and she hasn't spoken to me since. She finished her practice questions and then went to her room. It amazes me that the mention of "her" name has such an effect on M. I suppose I really DON'T know what went on there, but I do figure that a teenager who is placed in foster care isn't going to be a big fan of her first foster parents no matter how hard they try. Obviously, the fact that they had two teenagers of their own living there (plus a bunch of pets) means it was a lot different dynamic than it is here. Plus, it was the school year not the summer, and I haven't put limits on television watching/computer use up to this point. Anyway, she did pretty much seal the deal on my decision NOT to invite them, but I guess there is nothing wrong with having her wonder about that for a little while.

I haven't heard when visits are going to start up again and I suppose she probably has some built-up anger against her mom that she isn't willing to place ON her mom. I can take it, right?! Ha! Well, I suppose it's time for me to go see what kind of mood she's in now because the little one can't sleep all night and we need to figure out dinner.

Ah, the life of the mom of a teenager...I'm counting my blessings, though, because I know it could be a LOT worse!

Night time update: Me blogging + her taking a nap = things seem to be back to "normal"
We went to "Dollar Tree" and got party supplies for a Princess Party for super cheap and did our work out after having ice cream together. Now it's time to watch Days of Our Lives on DVR ;)

Bummer

I'm really bummed out about a couple of things and I'm hoping if I "blog" about them, I will feel better/less bummed.

My brother-in-law gave me my laptop back today and said he was able to make it work again, but barely and to save all my files because he wasn't sure how long it would last. He said I need to buy a Mac the next time...I was hoping the "next time" wasn't coming so quickly. I got the laptop home tonight, turned it on, and nothing happened. So, even if it worked for him, it doesn't want to work for me...bummer! My net book works fine, but it is a little harder to work on and "M" is going to have homework to do that requires the computer and I still need my blogging/twitter/email time :)

The other "bummer" is different, but makes me even more sad than having to buy a new computer. However, it's something that I need to "get over" because there is nothing I can do about it. The little one and I went to a birthday party last night. We put on pretty dresses, I had gotten my hair done, did my make-up, did her hair, and let her put on sparkly lotion. We were dressed to party and both SO excited! She had a blast and I had fun watching her/chasing her. I did some visiting, but mostly tried to stay one step ahead of her so she didn't stick her hands in the cake, knock over any drinks, or do anything else she wasn't supposed to do (even though she is REALLY well-behaved, I had no clue what she was going to be like around other kids)! It was so much fun to be able to be at this party with my friend and her family, to celebrate this special life (keeping this vague on purpose, but if you've read my blog for a while, I'm sure you can read between the lines ;) )

As soon as I got home, I realized that I didn't get in any pictures besides the group one. I didn't get any cute pictures with me and little one, even though she did pose for a couple when I was standing RIGHT there. I didn't get a picture with the birthday girl. I still don't have any pictures of me and my friend together even though we have been friends for years. I just can't believe that I let this opportunity for some great pictures pass me by when there were at least two people taking photos throughout the party and I never took mine out once (and I carry my camera with me everywhere!). Honestly, my eyes fill with tears thinking about it and I'm hoping that by blogging it, I will be able to put the past behind me and realize that the memories are there even if the photos are not...

The teen and I started Jillian Michaels' 30.day.shred on Thursday, but skipped today since she hurt her ankle and I worked so wasn't motivated to do it alone...

Other than that, things are going well here, even with the "bummers". I have the next two days off and am looking forward to that. "M" starts school on the 19th and that will drastically change our routine!

Well, "M" is talking my ear off even though I am sitting here typing...ha!

Good night.

Two Months

I can hardly believe that two months ago I became a foster mom for the first time. Two months ago these two amazing girls came into my life and changed everything. We have been to the zoo and baseball games. We rode on a boat and watched fireworks. We danced in the rain and spotted rainbows. We have been to the park and to the movies. We read books and sing songs. We play cards and watch Days of Our Lives (that's "M" and me...ha!)

I am so grateful for this time and the blessings these girls have brought me. And, the "pit" I had in my stomach the other day about them not going home soon was pretty much confirmed today. I was talking to someone else on the case and asking how the transition home worked. From what she said, her "guess" is that the girls will be with me for 3-6 more months. Wow! I definitely didn't see that coming even though I thought 3 weeks was unrealistic. Anything can happen, though, and I still won't know for a few weeks, but it is nice to have an "idea" of what to expect (apparently in "State talk", hearing the words "we are trying to get you home" for the past two months doesn't really mean much...)

So, it looks like our time together and memories created will continue for a while. Of course, things will be hectic once I'm the (working) mother of a high school sophomore! I guess like every other family, we are counting down the days until school starts...she starts in TWO WEEKS!! (One nice thing about her going back to school will be the little one's 3-hour nap on my days off when I can maybe get on facebook and read blogs!)

That post took me forever to write, but at least I wrote a blog post :)
Good night.

A Pit

I'm thankful that I have time to "blog" today because I'm feeling rather emotional today.

Work has picked back up, but now it is SUPER busy...no happy medium for us! We have been full and having to work short-staffed and/or have people work extra shifts. It really is crazy how that happens. Having kids makes it a bit of a challenge to pick up extra shifts! I was, however, able to split a shift with someone on Sunday so I didn't have to get someone to watch the girls and still get extra hours. I was so busy yesterday (I had patients on the complete opposite sides of the unit which people don't usually do and after three days of that, my body was just tired!) and didn't get home until late. On the bright side of that, my pay check this Friday will be nice AND the older one had started dinner by the time I got home :)

The little one and I ran errands this morning. We went to the hospital to drop some things off to my A-team girl's mom. A is really sick and it's very sad to see her mom/my friend hurting like this. I suppose that is part of what goes on when you work with chronically sick kids, but even nearly seven years into this, it doesn't get any easier.

I also talked to the caseworker this morning and have a feeling the girls aren't going to be going back with their family this month. I guess my naive, glass half-full self was under the impression that things were better and preparing myself to say good-bye. However, their mom hasn't called in a week and has been out-of-town for two. I know she is with her family who needs her too which may be her "saving grace" and I'm trying to stay positive for the girls' sake, but I have this pit in my stomach. I cried at an appointment today (not my counselor or spiritual director...caught THAT woman by surprise...ha!) because I'm really sad for them. I suppose I should have known all this going into the foster care system, but I guess I didn't prepare myself as well as I thought. I guess maybe I tried to prepare myself to let kids go back to a place that wasn't 100% perfect, but not really for the disappointment that comes when they DON'T go back when you think they will. Of course, I'm not saying they NEED to go because I LOVE having them here, but it does make me sad their mom is missing out on being with her AMAZING girls.

While I was crying at my appointment, the older one was cleaning my house. She cleans ALL the time! Apparently it provides some kind of therapy for her (I'd much rather blog, read blogs, or sleep!) which is good for me :) I have a room that is a disaster (a pit, actually...ha!) that is supposed to be an office/scrapbooking room but has never been used for that. When I came home, she had not only made it so you could WALK in there, she also vacuumed and organized all of my scrapbooking supplies. I couldn't believe she did that for me...and, had I not used up my tears at my appointment, I probably would have cried on the spot at her thoughtfulness. Of course, if it becomes a usable room, she can do her homework there! There are a lot of things in there that she can't take care of, so I'll have to spend some time during the next couple of days/weeks to help her.

Well, I have a double-header softball game, so I'd better get a couple of things done before that...including eat dinner. My going back to work has definitely put a damper on our healthy eating and the older one had to resort to Chef Boyardee for lunch since I haven't cooked in a while!

Until the next time...