On a Personal Note...

I decided to see if I could write a post that doesn't include anything about the girls or my frustration/irritation with their mother. This will be brief ;)

Last Sunday, the girls were at a visit with their mom and I was at work, so actually got to go to Mass and sing with the choir. All during Mass, I kept catching the eye of a guy who was sitting in the pews alone. I did note that he was not wearing a ring ;)

After Mass, I could kinda tell that he was going to come talk to me, but one of the choir members starting asking me questions and we talked for a bit...while he waited for me in the pews.

We walked out together and he told me that he liked one of the songs we sang. I told him it was one of my favorites, that I'm definitely a choir singer, not a soloist, that I hadn't been able to sing as often because of my work schedule and foster kids, etc.

He asked me what I did and I said I was a pediatric nurse and where I worked. He said "well, you must know my sister then..." Yep, she definitely worked on my floor for about 5 years, but just left to work in labor and delivery. Small world?! Um, yep, I think so!

I was kind of in a hurry since I was baby-sitting my nephew while my sister got her hair done, but we talked for a little while. The next day, I texted his sister to say "fyi, your brother came to talk to me after Mass..." He had told her and both of us agreed that the conversation was "nice". He had asked her to ask me if she could give him my number...well, if he wants it, then sure ;)

He called and left a message on my voice mail Friday while I was at work. I feel bad for him because I can imagine how hard it was to work yourself up to calling someone only to get a voice mail. I texted him to let him know that I got his message, but was working the next three days and probably wouldn't get around to calling until at least Monday. His mom and sister are both nurses and his dad is a pilot for the life flight helicopter, so he understands the crazy hours...very nice :)

I decided I didn't want to make it a "big deal" at work and try to keep this part of my "personal life" out of work, but found myself alone at lunch yesterday with a co-worker I trust who knows his sister even more than I do. What she told me made me even more excited to call him and find out more about him. He is a high school athletic trainer who has run a half-marathon which is something I have thought would be cool to try (maybe...ha!) I already know a bit about his family from working with his sister and he goes to Mass, even by himself...so, I'm thinking my goal will be to get at least "two dates" out of this ;) (For any new "readers"...ha!...I'm known in these parts as the "one date wonder" because first dates are all that I've done since breaking up with my one-and-only boyfriend at the beginning of my junior year in college.)

Now, I need to take a deep breath and one day at a time instead of planning our wedding and the rest of our lives together...because that's the kind of person I am and possibly why I have not been a "two date person" in quite some time ;)

Well, there's my post that's only about me and not me that is the foster mom ;) Speaking of...maybe I should get the little one out of bed so she takes a nap for me this afternoon.

Good day.

Thankful for the Girls

This year, I am especially thankful for these girls that God brought into my life. They have taught me so much, and my life is truly changed for the better because they are in it. I am also thankful for my family who has helped me SO much in making being a foster mom to these girls possible. They are flexible and patient and understanding. They are there when all I can do is cry (or scream in frustration of "the system" and how things are).

Yesterday was particularly rough since the teen was off school and I figured the girls would spend the day with their family. I hadn't talked to their mom since Sunday, and she talked (VERY) briefly to the teen on Tuesday, her 16th birthday. Yesterday, the 24th, apparently is the day the whole family gets together to celebrate the teen's birthday, her brothers birthday, and her grandma's birthday (both of theirs are on the 24th). I heard NOTHING from the mom regarding the party plans...and the only contact the girls had with their family yesterday was when the teen called to wish her brother and her grandma happy birthday. The siblings were with the mom, and here we were at home...

I seriously cried intermittently throughout the day because I was SO sad for these girls. The little one didn't really have a clue, although she did know it was her brother's birthday and they were not at a party for him. The teen takes things all in stride and seriously amazes me with her strength (I couldn't hold myself together, but don't think she actually saw me crying.)

Instead of moping around all day (since the girls definitely were not!), I decided we would get out my Christmas decorations and "make Christmas" as the little one said. There have been (too many) years that I we didn't put up a tree and I was looking forward to doing this with them. Granted, I didn't want it to be for this reason, but we were all at home and it worked.

The teen helped me rearrange furniture in the living room so we could put up the "big tree". Then, she decorated a little tree for their room. We have another tree that will go up in the basement, but she was all decorated out.

I suppose it is fitting that my previous post was about being thankful for thorns because we definitely had to make the most of a day that wasn't the way it was "supposed" to be.

My stomach was churning just wondering if the girls would be spending Thanksgiving with their family or not. I was in the shower at 8:25 AM when the girls' mom called to say she was on her way to get them. The girls were sound asleep, but got ready in time for their 9:00 AM pick-up. She's apparently a really crappy planner/communicator, but at least they will be with their family. I'm looking forward to spending it with mine.

Happy Thanksgiving to all :)

Thankful for Thorns

This past Thursday, I attended a Thanksgiving retreat for the fourth year in a row. This facilitator called it "God Surprises Us", but did use the same basic program that was used when I attended the same retreat two years ago. However, with different people, a different facilitator, and being in a "different place", it didn't really seem like the same retreat. There was a wonderful balance between structured time together, time for sharing, and time alone to do whatever we needed to do. Last year was a lot more structured, but it worked too. I love having this blog so I can look back at where I was, what I was dealing with, and how. Looking back to the first year I attended this retreat, I recall how much I NEEDED that time away. I was just about to come upon the one year anniversary of a time at work when we lost something like fifteen of our patients in a couple of short months. That time was a much needed "break" from all that was happening at home/work. Actually, all four years were much needed "respite" from the busyness of life. This year was no exception.

The teen was at school and my sister agreed to watch the little one so I could go. My aunt went in for surgery for her breast cancer that day, so I was able to ask the group for extra prayers for that (speaking of...I haven't talked to my aunt OR sent her a card yet...bad niece!)

During our first time of quiet reflection, we were given this to ponder: "Think of a time when you experienced a happy surprise. An insight? Awareness of beauty? Discovering the depth of a friendship? Note the presence of God in the midst of these. Note whether or not you experienced gratitude. What are special blessings that you are receiving today? How does that awareness affect your life?"


I reflected on this foster parent journey I am on and how people continue to just "pop out of nowhere" exactly when I need reassurance, advice, a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a reminder not to take things for granted. I have found the most amazing people online, which to most people I know "in real life" makes little-to-no sense. However, this is where I am free to write about my struggles and my frustrations, but also about the blessings of all that is happening in the world around me...even the struggles. I am able to see my growth in part because of what is "documented" here and because of those who have been walking this journey with me.

I listened to music (particularly, this album from Nicol Sponberg that I absolutely love...I listened to "You Are My God" and "He Remembers Me" a couple of times) and reflected on the trust and faith that have allowed me to see how perfect His timing is, and that He is with me every step on this journey of unknowns.

I flipped open the Bible and found Psalm 48:1--Great is the Lord and wholly to be praised in the city of our God. I then turned to Proverbs 10:22 (since my birthday is 10/22 and I'm a dork like that ;) )--It is the Lord's blessing that brings wealth, and no effort can substitute for it. Interesting...

The second session was looking at the struggles and challenges of life. We had been asked to reflect on our struggles and times when sad or difficult surprises interrupted our lives. The reflection stated, "It is one thing to be grateful for the obvious blessings in life...it is quite another thing to thank God for the hardships of life...Yet even the hardships of life can be viewed as blessings, for they often strengthen us and keep us aware of our absolute need for God."

We were then given an opportunity to share and I spoke of the blessing of the AMAZING nurse who cared for my grandfather on the day he passed away. That was an awful day, but it didn't seem quite so bad with her presence, kindness, and knowing EXACTLY what all of us needed in those moments. I also reflected on the challenges of parenting a teen and a toddler that are not "mine" while loving them as if they were. I try very hard not to stay in "struggle mode" for very long, especially since God has blessed me with people in my life who have shown me how to see the "gift of the thorn". The facilitator had someone read a story about being thankful for thorns. It is long, but I will post it at then end of this (already super long!) post :)

Above the couch where I was sitting for my reflecting was a picture that had this quote on the bottom: "Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads." ~Henry David Thoreau

After lunch, I went outside to walk the Labyrinth. It was something that I was really looking forward to doing this day, even though it was pretty chilly outside (I went out there without a jacket...oops!) It is amazing to me that I have walked it four times and had completely different experiences each time.

This year, I found myself focusing on being grateful for the unknown. The facilitator was a teacher/the campus minister at my high school when I was there. Sixteen years ago, I never would have imagined my life being like this. My fourteen-year-old self most definitely saw myself married with a couple of little kids (maybe four or five ;) ) I would not have chosen some of the things He has chosen for me to see and experience, but I would have missed out on the blessings going through those experiences brought me. As I walked the labyrinth, I realized that I did not know what was around the corner on this path, or my life's path. Because I have no idea what is around the corner, I need to make sure to enjoy this time, this place. None of us really knows what tomorrow holds, but my reality is that I have NO idea how much longer these girls will be living in my home. In the mean time, we will create special memories and I will look for teachable moments and opportunities to role model. Every day, I have decisions to make regarding the girls that will affect the future and their transition back home, while at the same time, I must live in the moment and treasure the time that I have with them. It is a conflicting place to be, but I know that God is with me, and I can feel Him, especially as He continues to send the right people to my life exactly when I need them most.

It was a great time away, and I am thankful for this "tradition"...and will strive to thank Him for my thorns.

Here is the story that was shared during the retreat. This is already as super long post, but I want to remember this time...and this story :)

The Thanksgiving “Special” Bouquet

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her Birkenstocks as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole her ease.

During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren’t enough, her husband’s company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come. What’s worse, Sandra’s friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer.

“She has no idea what I’m feeling,” thought Sandra with a shudder.

Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an air bag that saved her life but took that of her child?

“Good afternoon, may I help you?” The shop clerk’s approach startled her.

“I...I need an arrangement,” stammered Sandra.

“For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving ‘Special’?” asked the shop clerk. “I’m convinced that flowers tell stories,” she continued. “Are you looking for something that conveys ‘gratitude’ this Thanksgiving?”

“Not exactly!” Sandra blurted out. “In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.”

Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, “I have the perfect arrangement for you.”

Then the door’s small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, “Hi, Barbara...let me get your order.”

She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses; Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

“Want this in a box?” asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer’s response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

“Yes, please,” Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. “You’d think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn’t be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again,” she said as she gently tapped her chest.

“Uh,” stammered Sandra, “that lady just left with, uh...she just left with no flowers!”

“Right,” said the clerk, “I cut off the flowers. That’s the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet.”

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me someone is willing to pay for that!” exclaimed Sandra.

“Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today,” explained the clerk. “She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery.”

“That same year I had lost my husband,” continued the clerk, “and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel.” 

“So what did you do?” asked Sandra.

“I learned to be thankful for thorns,” answered the clerk quietly. “I’ve always thanked God for good things in life and never to ask Him why those good things happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the ‘flowers’ of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God’s comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we’re afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others.”

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. “I guess the truth is, I don’t want comfort. I’ve lost a baby and I’m angry with God.”

Just then, someone else walked in the shop.

“Hy, Phil!” shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

“My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving arrangement...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems,” laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

“Those are for your wife?” asked Sandra incredulously. “Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?”

“No...I’m glad you asked,” Phil replied. “Four years ago, my wife and I nearly divorced. After forty years, we were in a real mess, but with the Lord’s graced and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from “thorny” times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific ‘problem’ and give thanks for what that problem taught us.”

As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, “I highly recommend the Special.”

“I don’t know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life,” Sandra said to the clerk. “It’s all too...fresh.”

“Well,” the clerk replied carefully, “my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God’s providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don’t resent the thorns.”

Tears rolled down Sandra’s cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment.

“I’ll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please,” she managed to choke out.

“I hoped you would,” said the clerk gently. “I’ll have them ready in a minute.”

“Thank you. What do I owe you?” Sarah asked.

“Nothing; nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year’s arrangement is always on me.” The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra. “I’ll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first.”

It read:

“My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the life I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant.”

Praise Him for your roses, thank him for your thorns.

~Author Unknown

Tomorrow

Tomorrow my mom's youngest sister will be undergoing surgery for her breast cancer. I bought her a card to send weeks ago, but never sent it. I have only seen her once since her diagnosis and it was only briefly. (I also still haven't written thank-yous from my birthday that was HOW many weeks ago?!) The sad thing is that I don't think I can use the girls as an excuse, because there are plenty of times I just sit around knowing there are things I should be doing...I just don't do them.

So, if you find yourself in prayer tomorrow, I would appreciate them for my aunt, her husband and kids, for my grandparents (especially since one of my mom's other sister's had breast cancer surgery three years ago), and for my mom since this whole diagnosis and helping my aunt figure out what to do has been stressful for her.

Also, tomorrow will mark the fourth year in a row I will be attending a Thanksgiving Retreat. I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it work this year, but I'm so thankful it worked out. Each year, it has brought me exactly what I needed and I have no reason to believe this year will be any different (here is a link to last year's post about it that also contains a link to the previous year).

The teen told me tonight that her friends will not be spending the night after the dance on Saturday. I was really looking forward to hosting a sleepover for her birthday celebration, but it is what it is. I'm not sure if she has other ideas about what she wants to do for her birthday, but I guess will just have to wait and see. So far, I have not heard from her mom regarding birthday OR Thanksgiving plans. I suppose I haven't heard her plans for this weekend either, so I shouldn't be surprised!

Good night.

The Perfect Dress

Yes, it would be even more perfect if you could see her smiling face WEARING it, but that isn't to be. She was SO happy when she got home from shopping last night (and then she cleaned her bathroom and the basement including vacuuming and did her laundry...seriously, this girl is super!) Her mom, aunt, and grandma took her shopping. She needed that...and I needed to see that too since it won't be long before she leaves my loving arms and goes back to theirs...that I wasn't convinced were all that super loving.

I'm so excited for her and can't wait for Saturday! Her mom texted me last night after she got home saying "I hope my daughter enjoys Saturday", so she's excited too, although apparently won't be a part of any of the day. She "sort of" asked me to provide transportation to dinner and then to the dance, but is still up-in-the-air as far as if she wants girls to stay over after the dance and if she wants to get her hair/make-up done by someone other than herself/her friends.

Well, there's the "promised" perfect dress picture. I'm wearing the same clothes I put on yesterday after my shower, so I suppose I should at LEAST put on something different before I pick up the teen from school...ha!

To See Her Smile

On Saturday afternoon, I brought the teen to the salon to get her hair cut. My sister and parents gave that to her as a birthday present, since her hair was too hard for my sister to do at home. She didn't want it too short, but decided she would go ahead and donate it since it will grow back. I wish I could show the after pictures with her smiling face, but I obviously cannot. However, know that she was grinning from ear to ear (even if it IS a little shorter than she would have liked!) After her hair cut, my sister took her to dinner and out for ice cream. She was so happy when she got home and that was exactly what I needed after a rough few days with her mom.

I need to focus on that smile, the smile that still sometimes disappears for longer than I would like, but shows up much more often than it did when she first came to live here. I love this girl, and her smile.

This afternoon, after (at least) four cancellations/postponements, her mom is taking her shopping for a dress to wear to the formal that is now merely FIVE days from now. 

I just found out that her mom will be taking her to the G00dwill and that left me with tears dripping down my face. Seriously, that's their mother-daughter outing?! She NEVER spends one-on-one time with her oldest daughter and this is how she is choosing to spend it?! Granted, I will definitely pray that the perfect dress is there, but I'm not holding my breath. This girl, this sweet girl, deserves to go to her Sophomore formal wearing something that makes her smile.

I'm glad I skipped the "family team meeting" this morning because their mom refused to admit that the only one NOT trying hard is her. I had a conversation with her on Saturday letting her know that I felt like I was the one doing all of the arranging/accommodating/communicating and she was giving nothing back. Of course, she disagreed and I had to back peddle a little bit so she wouldn't get angry with me to the point of turning her daughter against me, but I feel MUCH better after getting it off my chest (getting a massage before that conversation definitely helped...ha!) 

I'd better get back to working on a report on what's been going on with visits and communication. I found out at 6:00 this morning that my sister was sick (she texted me at 3:30, but I didn't get it until then).  There was no way she could watch the little one in her condition and I had to be at work by 7. This was the first time I had to go in "Plan B mode" and it did not go well. I ended up finding respite care at 6:50 and told work I could get there by 9. They had already figured things out and marked me down sick, but decided to keep me "on call". I probably could have gotten there by 8, but it was too late to change things back. So, I woke someone up at 6:50, paid her $40, and have been "chilling" at home without any kids all day (after completely messing things up at work).

So, it hasn't been the best few days (yesterday was super crazy busy at work and I guess the "upside" is I didn't have to go back to that!), but it makes me smile to see her smile (and her sister) :)


Update: The teen came home from the MALL with an absolutely perfect dress. It was a definite answer to prayers (yes, I did pray for her to find a "perfect" dress!) Maybe I can sneak a picture of it tomorrow to put on here (without her in it, obviously). It is really cute, above the knee black spaghetti strap dress with a purple sash. Both of us are purple fans and it is just perfect. She got some heels and just looks great (she was ALL smiles when she got home!) I am SO happy for her and am really looking forward to "experiencing" Saturday with her :) Also, I'm going to have to give her mom a "point" because she actually (finally) did what she said she would do. I think her mom said it was $70 for the shoes and dress together which is just awesome!

Text of Thanks

I know I haven't blogged in a bit, but it's been busy :)

A little background info before I share this "conversation": This morning, we were to have our "family team meeting". On Sunday, the girls' mom said she couldn't come. I found it odd that we would have a "family team meeting" without her, but was just going to "go with it". Monday, I found out that she changed it from 10:00 to 9:30 and it was confirmed by the Service Coordinator yesterday (since I wouldn't put it past her to just tell me she changed it, but it not "officially" be changed!) On the agenda was to be some pretty difficult/challenging questions for her regarding the future care of her children. I was very interested to see/hear what the plans were...and hear her answers to these questions.

She texted me this morning at 8:35 (reminder: meeting scheduled for 9:30) to say (FYI: all of her texts will be edited since she likes to use "0" for "o" and doesn't always text full words/spell correctly): "I won't be available for the family team meeting, can you text me the service coordinator's number?"

Yes, seriously canceling the meeting less than an hour before it was to begin...not a good idea in my opinion, but obviously she has had an issue with her choices in the past. I gave her the service coordinator's phone number at work, forgetting I had her cell number too. I left a message for the DHHS worker at his office as well as one for my agency worker on her cell and at the office (obviously, it was before 9:00, so none of them were at the office yet!) At 9:00, I realized I had the service coordinator's cell number and called her to let her know about the cancelation (well, I didn't know if it would be "canceled" or if we would just meet without her). She got in touch with the mom, the meeting was "postponed" until next week (on a day that I can't go...annoying!) I was able to reach my agency worker, before she left, but received a phone call from the DHHS worker in the afternoon letting me know he waited there until after 10:00 since he didn't get the message about it being canceled. He definitely was irritated and I apologized a number of times, even though I know it wasn't MY fault! Fabulous that I'm the one communicating these things, but apparently she likes me...which is good, but in the back of my mind, I'm preparing either for the other foot to drop or for her to expect something ridiculous out of me.

Okay, back to our "texts"...and the "text of thanks" that brought about the need to post this ;)

She is supposed to have visits Friday evenings, Saturdays, and Sundays, but started a job yesterday so things may change. She said we could talk today at the meeting about the plans for this weekend, especially since someone is going to take the teen shopping for her Homecoming dress on Friday afternoon.

Me: Since the meeting was canceled this morning, when can we talk about the plans for Friday (and the weekend)?
Her: Tonight will be great. I say 8:30 PM sounds good. Thank you ok.
Me: I think I may still be at choir practice at 8:30, but can let you know when I get home from that.
Her: Ok. No problem. It's cold today.
Me: Actually feels pretty awesome for November 10!
(a bit of time passes that includes me going outside in my long-sleeve shirt and jeans)
Me: Ok, you are right, it IS cold, but still better than snow!
Her: Ha ha, you have a great day. Stay warm and smile. PS You are an awesome person and I thank you for being the person you are and that is a person who goes out of their way for others. I thank you for everything you have done for my children and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Thanks. (and then she did the thing that makes my stomach churn and texted "mwah" at the end...blech!)
Me: Just doing what God has called me to do :) You're welcome.
Her: Wow, that's right. He has a plan for us all and I'm thankful the girls are with you and you only.


Again, I am going to continue to protect myself and keep my guard up since she can change her tune at any time without notice. However, her gratitude appears sincere and being thanked by the mother of your foster children is probably not something that happens every day. So, I will allow those words to help fill me up and remind me that I am doing a good job...such a good job that even their mom notices how much I care about her children. I'm not so sure what to make of the "the girls are with you and you only" part of that last text, but am not going to analyze it too much (probably shouldn't analyze the words of someone who uses zeros for o's ;) )

The teen is making plans for their "homecoming"/formal dance that is on the 20th. Last night, she said that she and her friends will be going to dinner before the dance. I asked if she would just go there from a visit or just stay with me. She said probably just stay with me. I was VERY surprised that she responded with that (and will not hold her to it if she changes her mind) and it's actually kind of sad that she will get ready for this dance in my home rather than in her mom's. She turns 16 three days after that and I offered to let her have an "after-party"/slumber/birthday party. She hasn't decided yes or no, but I think that would be very fun :) She is so sweet (most of the time...teenage girls...ha! ;) ) and I love being able to share life with her during this "season".

Well, I'd better get the little one up from her nap and pick the teen up from school.

Five Months

Five months ago, these two amazing girls came to live in my house. (I wrote about "the call" here, the "first meeting" here, and the "first night" here.) I love this picture of the two girls from one of our trips downtown this summer. Good thing I like it since I think it is the only picture I have of the teen that can be posted here (it's easy to snap non-face pictures of a 3-year-old, but hard enough to get a "face" picture of the teen, let alone a non-face picture...ha!)

It wasn't meant to be an "anniversary" celebration, but last night, the girls and I went and painted pottery and then got frozen yogurt for a little "girls' night out". I had purchased a "gr0up0n" for this place that was for $30. I knew that it was pretty pricey, but thought that all of us would enjoy it and thought $30 would help. When we were on the way, I realized I had forgotten my camera and was bummed, but decided I could just take pictures on my phone. Well, I got one taken before the battery on my phone was too dead to take pictures. I was really disappointed. And then, I found out that the "gr0up0n" was only good for one person. So, I decided not to paint, the little one painted two things and the teen painted one and I still had to pay nearly $20...but they both enjoyed themselves and it was fun to watch. When we were eating our frozen yogurt, the teen "randomly" started bringing up memories from early on in their stay here, including the first night when she had to eat her sandwich with string cheese ;) I said "wow, can you believe that was five months ago?!" I had forgotten about that happening and it was fun to laugh about it again. She also reminded me of the first time she spent time with my dad...whoa...ha ha! He's a nut ;)

Five months is kind of a long time, but every day with them is an opportunity to embrace all that we have taught each other, and continue to teach each other. Every day, I can see first hand the positive changes that have taken place in all of us the past five months. I have no idea how much longer they will be with me, but I do know that wherever life takes us, these moments will always be remembered as special ones.

June 2010
Walking around downtown and taking a boat around the fountain.

July 2010
Picnic in the park.

August 2010
Trip to the sprinkler park.

September 2010
Another trip downtown to feed the ducks.

October 2010
(FOURTH) Trip to the Pumpkin Patch

November 2010
The only picture from our pottery painting.

Five very special months. From the moment I got the call about them, I knew they were "perfect", especially for my first placement. Even on the tough days I have not had any regrets and believe that I am doing what God has called me to do. I have no idea what the future lies for any of us, but know that we are forever changed for the better because of this time together.

The Longer the Better...

I was at work today and it was kind of busy, but I had a couple of messages on my cell phone I felt I needed to address. So, I called the agency caseworker to answer the questions she had (including the never-ending question of where are the teen's immunization records and why are we waiting 11 months before just starting them over again?!) Near the end of our conversation, I was "lamenting" over the fact that I have no clue how much longer the girls will be with me and the not knowing is a little bit of a challenge for me...

Her response was, "As far as I'm concerned, the longer they are with you, the better..."

"The longer they are with me the better..."

Well, that's a different perspective, but I kind of like how it sounds.

Every day they are here is an opportunity to teach each other new things, make new memories, and touch each other's hearts. Granted, each day with me is also another day separated from their family, but we are making the best of it, and are forever changed by these days.

Instead of "how much longer", I'm going to think about "the longer the better"...

Busy Week, Back To Work

I went back to work today for the first time since October 19. Yes, that was TEN straight days off. I managed to stay super busy...and was reminded once again that I do not believe God has called me to be a stay-at-hom mom. God bless those who can, but I need to get out and see people and do things...and am SO lucky that I have a three-year-old living with me who behaves well enough for me to take her with me everywhere I want to go. Seriously, she has been to countless meetings, appointments, choir practices, restaurants, grocery stores, etc. This week, we did our share of those, but we also did some fun things including two trips to the pumpkin patch (one with a bonfire, the other in the morning), a trip to the children's museum, and painting with a shaving cream/glue/finger paint mixture. Here's some pictures from those fun times :)

She's such a fun girl and we had a great time those ten days...well, most of it ;) These days made it even more difficult to think of the days when we will no longer be together, but also reminded me about how special these days are and how much these memories will remain with us forever (especially since I have taken LOTS of pictures :) ).

This week was also a great week with the teen. After last week, I was very thankful for that! :) I took a personality test this week and asked her to do the same. She acted like she would have nothing to do with it, but she did...teenagers! She let me know that she "guessed" at some of the answers, but told me that her result was INFJ. I looked it up and it definitely sounds like her...I definitely discovered she is a protector of her mom!

She has appeared to be less stressed, even though she refuses to be happy with her 2.5 GPA from first quarter even with the VERY positive comments from all of her teachers. On Wednesday, the DHHS worker, the agency worker, AND the service coordinator came for their monthly visit. She was as "chatty" as she has ever been with them...or at least answering their questions and engaging in conversation with them. Recall, there have been times, especially with the agency worker, where it was like pulling teeth getting her to even respond to direct questions. I understand that this could be simply age-related, but she has DEFINITELY improved in her ability to have conversations since she has been with me :)

Then, for the "proud mama" moment that topped it all, she came home from school on Thursday chatting up a storm about some brainstorming her FBLA group was doing. They want to raise money to donate to a charity for Christmas and she thought that the foster care agency would be a good option. She decided she should talk to their caseworker, so she called her and they visited about what that all would entail and how to go about doing it if the group decides on that agency. The caseworker said it was the best conversation she had EVER had with her. I'm just so proud of her for taking that initiative not only to call the caseworker, but to have an idea and present it to a group of her peers is just amazing (recall, the principal told me that when she started school there in January, she could not/would not take her eyes off the ground). Such progress! Plus, this is a super duper "pay it forward" idea (one of the other clubs she has joined is going to be collecting back packs and children's books for "kids whose parents are in the court system"...her words...pretty much for "foster kids"...NOT kidding!)

She is doing SO well and is having SO much fun being involved in school and hanging out with her friends. It is hard to think about all of that changing once she goes back home, while also remembering that right now she is separated from her mom and other siblings and that is tough too. I have a hard time with the fact that I believe their mom likes the "idea" of having her kids more than actually getting them back and providing for their needs. Granted, simply because her kids don't appear to be her number one priority doesn't exactly justify remaining in foster care, it sure is difficult to watch.

After ten days off that included "celebrating the anniversary of my birth" (you can thank Ginger's husband for the clarification of what that day is called...ha!), fun times with the little one, hanging out with family and friends, and witnessing an amazing breakthrough in the teen, it was still nice to go back to work and "do what I do". I have a student nurse working with me who will graduate in December. She has told me multiple times how much she enjoys working with me and is so appreciative of what she has learned, and the way I have taught it to her. She wants to get a job on my floor, so that's really cool. I love showing students "what I do"--not just the physical taking care of patients, but caring for the whole family and all that is involved with taking care of chronically ill children. I've been at my job for seven years and can't imagine the grass being greener anywhere else :)

Well, after ten days off, I'm surprised I have not already crashed after one day back! However, I shouldn't push it and better head to bed here shortly :) Back to work tomorrow!

Good night.

I'm an ENFJ

A while back, I took a Myers-Briggs test on fb. It told me that I was an ENFJ (Extroverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging).

The other day on twitter, Lindsey posted about being an ENFJ and I decided to take another quiz. She had gotten two different results on whatever quiz she took, so I was interested.

In the test that I took, it "confirmed" that I was an ENFJ--11% Extroverted 12% Intuitive 88% Feeling 22% Judging.

I found this site (which, "coincidentally" is the same page I found when I "googled" it the last time!) and it's amazing to me that 72 "random" questions can tell you so much about yourself! Even reading the description the second time left me nodding my head, wondering if it's magic or something...ha!

I think it was a good time to re-visit this because it explains a lot about the struggles I have in my role as a foster mom.

Here are a few "highlights" from the "Portrait of an ENFJ":

• ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.
• ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.
• ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others.
• When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.
• People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest.
• ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.
• In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

Some "highlights" from another reference about ENFJ's:

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.

Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.

Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves.

Well, that's a lot of "other peoples' words" for one post, but I really think they say a lot about who I am. That's really helpful to me considering I have a hard time with the "who I am". This explains a lot about why I do what I do, why I struggle with certain things, why I thrive in certain situations.

And now I can see that being a foster parent fits the "ENFJ" personality, but it also makes sense as to why my heart has been so torn, especially in recent weeks...

I do try to see the best in people, and bring out their best. I WANT the girls' mom to be successful and so it is disappointing when she falls short, especially when it means letting down her kids. They have been in foster care for over ten months now and I found out today that they may not even be going back by the beginning of December like I had thought (my "glass half-full" thinking) since it has taken her so long to start doing the things that have been asked of her to do. As much as I love her girls (I would let them stay forever if that is what was best), the truth is that the longer they are with me, the harder it will be to let them go...and the more frustrated I will be with her for letting it happen. The teen doesn't say anything about it, but I care so much about her that it is SO hard to do the "tough love" thing with her mom if she is the one who will "suffer"...

I know that I have gotten a lot better at standing up for myself and taking care of my needs as well as the needs of others. I am trying very hard not to get wrapped up in the needs of their mom while still being supportive and bringing out the best in her/seeing the "silver lining". Even though she seems to know what buttons to push to bring me to tears, she has not seen me cry. I am actually proud of how I have been able to listen to her "drama" without allowing myself to get emotionally involved in it (and still acting like I care tremendously about how busy and stressed out she is).

Anywho, this is a super long post and I should be heading to bed. The teen went to bed an hour ago which is not like her, so hopefully she's okay (there's my ENFJ coming out...ha!) She failed her biology test today even though she studied a lot for it. I'm so proud of her effort and can't imagine how deflating that is to try so hard only to fail.

Good night.

Talking It Out-Take Three

Yesterday was my birthday. The teen couldn't bring herself to actually say "Happy Birthday" to me, even when I called her out on it. I had tried to set low expectations, so I wouldn't be disappointed. Therefore, it would have been a "bonus" if she had. I did get like 60 wall messages on facebook, tweets, texts, and phone calls, so I definitely "felt the love" on my 31st birthday :)

Of course, the day wasn't without "drama", but I did enjoy my afternoon (hmm, I'm feeling like this is a post that is going to jump around...ha!) More on my birthday later... :)

Thursday was the teen's report card conference at school. As soon as I knew the appointment time, I texted her mom. On Monday, I sent her a reminder text to see if she was still going to be able to come. She texted back that she was her mom and of course she would be there...and that I didn't need to go. Um, whatever, I'll see you there ;) Thursday morning, she calls me at 7:30. Among other things, she told me how busy she was and that she had conferences for her other kids and it was going to be REALLY tough for her to get to this one too. And then she said she would see me there...I did not hold my breath.

The teen got out of school at 2, but that is in the middle of the little one's nap time, so I let her know I'd pick her up at 3. When I got to my parents' house, she wasn't there, so I thought maybe they DIDN'T get out early. She showed up at 3:15...with a drink from a gas station. I kindly told her that I would have appreciated her calling me to tell me she was going. For some reason, she shut down and then became rude and disrespectful when I tried to figure out what was the matter. She said that "I" was the problem and that I was "jumping to conclusions". Seriously, all I said was "you KNOW I would have let you go, I just need to know where you are in case something would happen". It was completely out of character for her, but I didn't have time to argue or try and figure out why she was so angry with me since I had to get to conferences.

I showed up at the school right after her mom called to say she wouldn't be able to make it by 4. There was a slot at 4:30 and one at 6. I couldn't go to the 6:00 one since we had plans. She was going to "try" and get there by 4:30, but the advisor can only do one slot per student. By this point I was bawling because of what I had left behind at home and whatever emotions were bottled up just came spilling out. I actually went and talked to the principal because I figured I'd take the 4:30 slot and have her reschedule, but didn't know who would deal with her "wrath" if she didn't arrive on time. She called while I was in the office saying she was taking the 6:00 slot, that she had full rights and didn't want me meeting with any teachers without her.

I called the Service Coordinator since I didn't know what exactly was true about this. Basically, she said that the mom DOES have educational rights and I shouldn't be stressing about it. If she wants to go to conferences, let her and it isn't for me to worry about. In not so many words, she said that while I want what's best for the teen, she'll be going back home soon and the mom has to figure things out, so I should just let her. I just cried more as I talked to the principal, the same amazing woman who was principal when I attended that high school. As much as I have been "talking it out" in recent days, I know in my heart AND in my head that I have made a difference in these girls' lives, but to hear someone else say it makes it that much more special...

When the teen started at that school, she couldn't take her eyes off the ground. Now she laughs and smiles and goes in for extra help after school. In hindsight, even her yelling at me is a HUGE step, something that I have been wanting her to be able to do (even though it was hurtful, I've been encouraging her to express herself/her feelings verbally because holding them inside isn't helpful). One thing the principal said that is likely true, but really stinks, is that the teen may have "outbursts" like that in an attempt to be more "unlikeable" so it is easier to say good-bye. It may not even be intentional, but a way of her coping with this change that is good for the family, but hard for her heart that hasn't experienced this kind of love and attention...at least not for a long time. She reminded me that all of this is foreign to her, even going to school every day. The "normal" can only be introduced little bits at a time and then I can see all of the "little victories" add up to big ones :) So, the fact that the "Happy Birthday" never came and the pleases, thank-yous, good nights, and good mornings are few and far between aren't things that I stress about...or at least try not to, because I know that she is learning how to stand up for herself, how to advocate for her needs, and even how to have conversations with new people.

I wiped my tears, knowing that I'm doing the best I can, and it is evident in those who care about me that I am doing a great thing. And then, I got ready to bring the little one to see Beauty and the Beast at the high school (she is wearing sunglasses big enough to cover her face, so I decided this picture was "safe"). The teen cleared the dinner table...and all I said to her was "even though you weren't very nice to me, I still love you" and left it at that.

Yesterday morning, I went and picked up the girls' mom so she could come to the teen's physical/asthma check. The school nurse has been calling me because we don't have any immunization records and that is kind of "illegal". I tried calling the clinic where we got the little one's records from, and I believe the people from the State have tried getting them too, but they have lived in all different states/different addresses and were tough to track down. Of course, the mom took no responsibility for this and blamed everyone else for not being able to find them. The nurse said she would have to start the series over or get titers or something. So, I decided the mom HAD to be at this appointment, even if it meant I had to pick her up.

I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy that I stayed with them for the entire appointment. The PA didn't really work with me and believed that the mom was going to get the records within the next 10 days...seriously, this has been an issue for 10 months! But, she pulled the "I'm the mom" card once again...and a responsible one at that ;) The teen is overweight, and I was hoping that they would talk nutrition/exercise at some point (I was planning to leave for that) since she eats well at my house and has lost a bit of weight in the 10 months she has been in foster care. But, that didn't really come up, and at the point when her actual weight was said out loud, her mom yelled at her...well, she said her name loudly. Seriously, like it's all the teen's fault that she's overweight. Poor girl :( I try not to talk about it because that's a super touchy topic, but I do praise her for the good food choices she makes. She packs her own lunch every day and it's always healthy stuff. I guess I set too high of expectations for this appointment and it was rather stressful listening to her go on and on about how great of a mom she is.

After the appointment, I dropped them off at a relatives house. 2 1/2 hours with her was PLENTY and I was so excited to spend the rest of the day with my family!

I met my sister, mom, and nephew at the pumpkin patch. It was a gorgeous day! My nephew is a ham until you get the camera ready, so you have to try and catch him off guard! I love his boots! :)

After the pumpkin patch, my mom and I went and got massages. After these stressful/emotional days, it was exactly what I needed. I was SO relaxed and she worked out the kinks in my neck and back...fabulous!

After that, I picked up the girls so we could go to dinner. A birthday tradition in our family is that the birthday person gets to pick a restaurant and we all go out to eat. I picked a restaurant I had gotten a coupon for since I am the one with the two extra people :) My brother-in-law couldn't come, but we had a nice dinner anyway. I love that my sister dressed my nephew in a "My Aunt Rocks" onesie for my birthday :)

The teen decided that she wanted to go see Beauty and the Beast with her friend. Earlier in the week, she informed me that she didn't want to go. But, she asked me nicely and was prepared to skip it if our dinner ran long. I let her know that it should work out, especially since she asked me the way she did.

I was, however, torn about the plans for tonight. For weeks, she has wanted to go to this FBLA bonfire. They are supposed to have visits Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sundays, with their mom providing transportation all directions. I did the driving yesterday since I changed the times and I wanted their mom at the appointment. Earlier in the week, I let the teen know she needed to discuss this bonfire plan with her mom since it would involve leaving the visit early. Then, after Thursdays "outburst", I let their mom know that I may not be able to do transportation. And THEN, after her pulling the "I'm the mom card" on me the past two days, I really wanted to put it back on her that if she's the mom, then she needed to figure out how to get the teen to and from this bonfire. However, I care about the teen and she's going to have a really hard time participating in social gatherings when she goes back home since her mom doesn't have transportation.

My heart was REALLY torn because I had the words of the service coordinator in my head telling me that their mom needs to figure things out (and I care "too much") but the fact is I DO care about the teen and don't think she needs to "suffer" while she's in my home just because I'm trying to get her mom to be responsible.

My mom helped me figure out that since the teen tried to figure things out by making it so I didn't have to drive ALL the way to and from, that I should accommodate her. (Unfortunately, my two glasses of wine left me saying something I didn't want to/mean to say to the teen regarding how things are going to change when she goes back home, but while she's with me, I'll do what I can to make sure she can have fun...open mouth, insert foot :( )

I was still torn this morning, especially after they got picked up and I found myself agreeing to do drop off and pick up when I had planned to hang out with my friend. So, I called Ginger and was a crying mess. Her husband answered and made me laugh before she got on the phone and helped me sort through things even further. I am SO blessed to have such amazing friends and family who are helping me through the ups and downs of being a foster mom :)

In the end, I came up with a really good compromise that allowed me to do what I wanted to do, made their mom be responsible for the front-end transportation, and gave the teen the opportunity to hang out with friends. A win for everyone...unfortunately, I'm the only one who cried about it and their mom has no clue how hard this is for me (every time I talk to her, she tells me how busy/stressed she is, so she couldn't begin to understand me and my feelings...)

I just got back from picking up the teen and she talked my ear off the entire way home, telling me everything they did. She is so special and I know I'm blessed to have a teenage girl living with me who talks to me and enjoys spending time with me. Their mom canceled the visit for tomorrow, so all of my plans will need to be adjusted. That kind of stinks, but at least the little one is well-behaved and I've been able to take her pretty much anywhere (I do feel bad about the day I brought her to my eye doctor appointment, to a restaurant for lunch, AND to choir practice at church, but she did awesome!)

Well, the teen is watching football, so maybe I'll make some popcorn and join her. No wine tonight though ;)

Good night.

Take Five--Birthday Edition

The past few weeks, Sara has posted Take Five, a weekly linky thing that her friend Shannon does. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think you are supposed to write a 5 minute post about 5 things. Now, I've never written a post in 5 minutes...these things take me forever because I write and re-write my sentences and want things to sound right (and then eventually just have to publish it because otherwise there would never be any posts here!)

Anyway, I decided that my birthday would be an easy "Friday Five". It was a little (okay a LOT) harder than I thought, but here are five things/memories from the past year...there were MANY more, but this is supposed to be a 5 minute deal ;) Of course, I would have technological difficulties so this took like an hour to write and it's still "off", but it is what it is...Take Five, take one :)

This is actually from November when Ginger came to visit me.

Ginger is the only friend I have met online that I have actually met in person.

She is such a blessing to me, so I HAD to include a picture of her in this :)

I did travel to visit HER and her family in May, but apparently I didn't take any pictures

because I couldn't find any.

This is my "favorite" aunt. She and her family live outside of Nashville.

I went and visited them in April. I think I have gone to Nashville nearly

every year since they moved there. Next time I go, I am hoping to "hook up"

with some of the people whose tweets I follow that live there :)

My nephew turned One in June. It has been so much fun watching him 

grow and learn new things this past year. I love him :)

My grandpa passed away in September.

I'm not looking forward to the holidays without him, 

but am thankful for the memories I do have of him.

These sisters came to live with me in June.
My first foster placement, I will always remember that
I became a mom at thirty...
even if it was only temporary.
Having them here has changed my life, and I know that
they will carry a part of me wherever they go.
Our lives are forever changed, and for that I am grateful.