Not Always Roses

So, in my last post, I said I was as ready as I was going to be for the girls to go home. I'm having "other" feelings right now and as much as I want to remember the good things, I also think it is important to "keep it real". I have gone back and read previous posts (the ones from last July are pretty interesting considering I was preparing for them to go home...nothing like another year going by and that's still what I'm doing!) and those help me remember how I got to where I am today (even the ones I wrote before I became a foster mom have proven to be helpful more than once).

Friday morning, I got the little one all ready to go to her mom's for our Family Team Meeting. I told the teen to pack for the weekend just in case her mom just wanted them to "stay" since they were already there. The meeting was to be at 10:00. I got a call at 9:00 from the service coordinator that she was canceling the meeting because she had to go to court. I reminded her that the therapist and my agency worker were going to be there too. I was looking forward to hearing what was going to happen with therapy since I think the teen needs to talk to someone about how crappy it is to be living in limbo and she won't talk to me about that. It also is nice to have communication with their mom when I have "witnesses"...even though it had been nearly a week since I heard from her since she never texted to let me know what time she was dropping them off on Tuesday. So, I then had to tell both girls they were not going to see their mom and that is not fun.

The little one decided she didn't want to go to day care, so she and I went to the zoo for a couple of hours. It has been REALLY hot here, but it was overcast in the morning, so we just stayed until noon when it started to get warm. Since we weren't going to be there long, I asked her what animal she wanted to see first. She said "zebra", so we went and saw the zebra :) We got to see them feeding the penguins. The second picture is her looking at the sea horses. We had fun and it was great to get to spend some quality time with her for a change. While it's good that she is spending more time with her mom, that means it is less time with me and on days I work, I only see her for a short time in the morning and get home in time to give her a bath and put her to bed. So, there's the silver lining to a canceled meeting :)

The teen didn't want to come with us to the zoo, but she did agree to go to the mall with us and out to dinner (who could pass up that, right?! I know, I'm sneaky...ha!) I had some coupons for V's Secret, so let her get a bra/underwear. Then, she used her gift cards at B&B Works ($35 worth!) We went to a restaurant that she informed me she has now been to five times and that is not the only restaurant we have been to. (That made me think of this  post that mentions how some really crappy foster parents made their foster kids eat in a separate room at holidays...not my "spoiled" foster kids ;) ) We tried watching a movie after the little one was in bed, but both of us fell asleep. The agency worker came and the teen wasn't overly talkative (she never is), but at least both of us shared that we too were frustrated that it is taking the Judge so long to make a decision and acknowledged that living in limbo is really crappy.

(Um, this is a lot longer post than I thought it was going to be...good thing I have a fairly low "readership" or this may send people running...ha!)

This brings me to yesterday. I went to work at 7 and called the teen at 8:30 to make sure they were up and ready for the transportation worker to get them between 9 and 9:30. I received a call from the worker at 9:25 that they were at mom's apartment and she was not home. They tried calling her cell and knocking on the door, but she did not answer. Are you kidding me?! I talked to the teen and apologized that the only option was for them to go back to my house since I could not leave work. It was a stressful hour or so when I had no idea if/when they were going to go to their mom's. My parents were out of town, so couldn't do anything either. I ended up getting a text from their mom at 10:44 letting me know she didn't wake up until 10 and was on her way to get the girls. So, I guess "props" to her for figuring out how to get her kids quickly (a few months ago, she probably would have just canceled the visit). However, it is pretty irresponsible to not be at home when your kids are scheduled to be dropped off. It put unnecessary stress on her kids and on me wondering if something happened to her and if she was really going to come get them. I realize that there are bio parents who cancel visits all the time, but that doesn't make it "right".

Although they have been going on visits every weekend, I don't think their mom is doing much parenting. I know that it "takes a village" to raise kids, but she has taken it to the extreme (or maybe I am not 100% culturally sensitive). I don't think a day goes by that she has all the kids alone. They are at this relatives house or that ones doing this or that. All of a sudden, a million and one relatives have come out of the wood work. I wish I knew where they were 19+ months ago when the kids were placed with strangers...or where they have been in the 19+ months they HAVE been living with strangers. I guess it is great that she has them since she obviously is going to need them when the kids come home. However, things are sure to be different when school starts and they aren't going to be able to travel from one relative's house to another every single day...or maybe she can?!

With all of these relatives now coming into play, I have come to realize that even if this ended up going to termination (which it won't), the girls wouldn't be placed with me permanently anyway. So, I'd rather them go back to mom who currently seems to like me and says she will allow her girls to have a relationship with me than to some relative that I don't know. Like I told my therapist last week, I'm not trying to take her girls from her, but if she offered them to me, I would definitely take them (again, not going to happen though).

I sent an email to "everyone" last night about the visit issue and mentioned that even though she is getting them back to my house, it is with little to no notice on times and yesterday she wouldn't even commit to Monday or Tuesday, so I didn't even know what day. Then, she surprised me with an unprompted text message this evening asking if Monday or Tuesday was better for me. It was very tempting to say Monday so I would have Tuesday with them, but I stopped myself and said Tuesday was just fine. Then, we ended up texting for 20 minutes of randomness where she said things that made her sound good, but I still know better. She ended her text with "Always..." and then a :*)~ whatever the heck that is which made me gag, but at least she doesn't appear to see me as an enemy and I'd like to keep it like that! I consider myself a pretty forgiving person, but I am not sure I will ever be able to consider her a "good mom"...just being honest.

So, I'm a little jealous of all the relatives who are loving on the little one, but glad she has people to love on her since her mom doesn't really seem like that type. It sounds like the teen has gotten quality time with some positive relatives which is very good, but I'm still not sure if they have figured out how she will get to and from school. I'd like for the girls to get into a nice routine at home before school starts rather than going back and forth, but it's not really looking like that will happen. I wonder if we are going to have to go through another hearing before they are returned home permanently...that would stink, but would also mean we could stop living in limbo...

Okay, enough venting...good thing this is a basically private blog because I probably write more than I should here.

My nephew is getting so big and talking more and more. It has been fun to see him grow...and I found out on Thursday that he will be a BIG BROTHER! My sister called me when I was dropping off the little one to tell me she had a positive test at home. Apparently, her mom's group friends ask her all the time if she took a test and one of them even bought her one. I thought it was really stinky that she had to tell everyone when she was only five or six weeks along on the day she found out. I guess that's her deal, but I think it would have been more fun to tell people with my nephew showing up in a Big Brother t-shirt or something like that. Well, apparently my reaction wasn't what she had hoped it to be, so my mom "confronted" me today about not being excited for her. I am excited about being an aunt again and AM glad she told me before she told all of her friends and will just get over the fact that it isn't how I think I would handle things (or want to handle things). I understand the excitement, but also wouldn't have taken a test on a day I was having a party at my house! ;) Anyway, nephew #2 or niece #1 will be coming in March...who knows what/if any kiddos I'll have at that point ;)

Good night.

Ready As I'll Be

I actually saved this picture as a draft a couple of weeks ago with the title "Perfect Little Family". At that point, I was thinking about our "little family" as it has been for close to fourteen months. It is sometimes easy to forget that while we have lived as a family for a (very) long time, a huge chunk of their family is missing. We have dinners together, we "hang out" together, we respect each other, we have our "routines", we have things we just "do" that no one else would understand, and it's almost as if it has always been this way. It's hard to imagine life without them in it day after day, even though the consistent weekend overnight visits will surely help. We do seem to have a "perfect little family" when it is just us inside my home and when we go places together. But then, I remember that they have four brothers, and a mom, and (apparently) a HUGE extended family and realize I cannot give them that. Although they have received love and consistency and learned life lessons that will be with them forever, I have reached a point where I honestly cannot say that living here is better than living with their mom.

There, I said it...it is very hard, and very sad, but it is true. Though there are MANY things I can give them that she cannot/is not/has not been willing to give, there are even more that I cannot. 

After months of sporadic, inconsistent visits, they have spent every weekend for about the last three months (or more) with their mom. While I still doubt there is a whole lot of "parenting" taking place during their time with her, at least she's "present". The teen has been visiting her great-grandma and gone places with some cousins/second cousins/some kind of relatives (not sure how "legal" all this is since no one has been background checked to my knowledge, but whatever, at least she is with some family members who seem to be "normal" ;) ) I can't give her that...at least not the every weekend thing, even if the plan WAS to be permanent placement in my home.

We've been waiting for the Judge to make a decision for over 7 1/2 weeks now. I definitely thought it was in the girls' best interest for the Judge to review all the reports herself, expecting it to take a week or two. However, at this point, I no longer think that this "extended review" is in the best interest of anyone. It is stressful for me to not know if I'll get a call at work saying the Judge ruled that "as of this moment they are placed with their mom" and then deal with how to get home so I can say good-bye/pack all their things. The teen has had more headaches, more stomachaches, and loss of appetite. It really stinks to not be able to do ANYTHING for her besides acknowledge them and show that I care because it has to be worry and stress related to this whole living in limbo crap. I hate seeing her like this. The little one has to be confused, but all of the information she has gotten about going home to her mom has come from her mom because I haven't really addressed it. Her concept of time is not good (she isn't quite four), so yesterday/tomorrow/some day/last week/next week is pretty much all the same. I see little point in preparing for a future event that could in all reality be months from now (although I hope that is not the case). 

The service coordinator came last week (the new one who has since put in her resignation), the GAL came on Tuesday, and we have a Family Team Meeting tomorrow. We are all waiting on the Judge, so there isn't much we can do besides support each other through this waiting period.

So, as the title says, I think I'm as ready as I'll be for the girls to leave my home. At this point, I know the plan is for them to go home, so I think we should just get it over with. I thought they were going home SO many different times (August, December, early spring, May 31, and many days in between) and that just doesn't do my heart very good. It is going to be a huge loss for me when they go home, leaving two empty bedrooms and me alone in this house. Therefore, it is REALLY hard for me to say "just go home", but honestly, it has been dragged out long enough, she has had her "mommy break" and it's time to step it up and be a Mom. While the agency worker told me the longer they are with me the better (and the GAL said something similar this week), I really don't want another school year to start with them living in two places. 

I was hoping to make a lot more sense than I did, but it was time to get some of these built-up thoughts out. Tonight's foster parent training at my agency is called "Exploring Grief in the Children We Care For", and I think it is coming at the perfect time.

Well, I ought to go pick up the little one from day care. Every day that I'm home with the teen, I offer to take her to the mall or do something. She never says "yes" or "no", but it never happens. Today she has been in her room all day long listing to music, yelling out randomly, and has not eaten anything because she isn't hungry. She's actually kind of irritating me today and I don't remember the last time that happened, so maybe I really am ready for the next phase of our "relationship" :)

Another View

I was thinking about writing that I've been too busy this weekend to miss the girls, but that isn't really true! The plan is for them to come back to my house Tuesday afternoon. So, I guess if I'm going to get word about court while I'm at work, I'd be "okay" with it being tomorrow since they would have to come back to get their things (at least the teen would) anyway. I was REALLY tired when I got home from work last night, so ACTUALLY didn't miss getting the little one bathed and to bed since I went to bed at 9:30 and didn't get up until 10 this morning. I have no clue why I was so tired, but I do feel a lot better. Today, I hung out with my sister and got my hair cut and also went and had dinner with a high school friend and her family. Tomorrow I work. So, I have been busy and doing all these things IS a bit easier to do without kids, but it is still going to take some getting used to when the girls aren't here at all (at least we seem to have "progressed" to them spending about half time at their mom's, even though I still believe it would be pushing it to say she is "parenting" half the week and me the other half).

Anyway, I wanted to post something this weekend and decided I could post "another view" of the pictures from the other day. I have a M@cBook, but need to take classes to learn to take advantage of all the features. So, here was my opportunity to use iPh0t0 on some of the fun pictures the teen took (even though they are in the slide show) :)

Good night.

Water Fun

Last night, we went to a neighborhood park that also has water fountains for people to play in. The little one wouldn't go without me and the teen didn't want to get wet (but at least she came--I bribed her with a mango smoothie ;) ). The teen took some great pictures, including many "bloggable" ones, so I made a slide show. Fun times :)

Downtown Fun

There is so much going on in my head right now that I ought to get some of it out here, but think I'll (mostly) stick with some fun pictures for this post. My heart hurts so much knowing how much the teen is struggling. Yesterday when I got home from work she asked if she could just stop eating because her stomach hurts whenever she does...seriously, it makes me SO sad to know how much she is dealing with right now, knowing there isn't really much/anything I can do to help. We have been waiting for a court report for over 5 1/2 weeks now, and living in limbo is even harder for her than it is for me. I had another great conversation with my agency worker (have I mentioned how much I love her?!) She helped put things into another perspective even though she too is worried about what will happen to the teen when she goes home. 

If changing schools means the teen won't have to fight her family on a regular basis, than I need to be supportive of her choice. Even if she believes that staying at her current school is what she wants/needs/is the right thing to do, if she is going to have to defend that decision all of the time, that would not be fun. I understand that more than she knows seeing as I have been in therapy for nearly two years wrestling with the fact that I'm not fitting into the "mold" society/family would choose for my life...and I'm an adult. So, without telling her all of that (which, maybe eventually I will), I reminded her last night that I want nothing but the best for her and she admitted that she could see me as an "understanding" and "open" person. I believe the caseworker who said that the teen is worried about a lot of things including disappointing me...

Ugh, this is SO hard...and I wrote more about that than I was planning on! Also, I got an ear full from their mom this morning when she called to make sure they had gotten picked up. She talked to me for nearly 11 minutes about all sorts of things...her wealthy family members, her family members who are cops in town, their family reunion at a "mansion" this weekend, how she is fundraising to pay for the teen's tuition (yes, she told me about all the "wealth" in her family in the same convo as telling me she was going to cook and sell food in order to pay tuition). She also told me that she used to weigh 420 pounds and was bed-ridden for three years which opened my eyes to what kind of life the teen may have had during that time...it seems they are lucky they weren't put into foster care earlier if she really wasn't mobile during that time. I don't think the teen has talked about any of that and it doesn't "really" matter at this point since that wasn't why they were put into care, but it is still part of her history and could explain why she is the way she is about certain things. She also shared that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend since her kids are her top priority, but she HAS been single for "five years" (funny since the little one isn't quite four...) [To be highly judgmental for a second: I don't want to see the guy who falls for a 300+ pound 40-year-old with six kids who lives in government housing...just saying...okay, done being judgmental.] Anyway, it was a nice laugh to begin my day because she is something, that's for sure...and laughing is much better than anything else since I still have to be respectful to her as the mother of the two girls who have been the center of my world for over a year since I want them to remain a part of my life if they so choose.

Wow, that's a whole lot of typing for a post that was just going to be pictures ;) I feel a lot better now though! Anyway, on Thursday, the little one and I went Downtown to "feed the ducks", which we have done quite a few times. The teen once again opted not to join us (she actually was asleep when we got home at 8:30). We about got attacked by some of them, but I squirted one crazy one with water and threw a bag of popcorn at a group to get them to stay away from us...Downtown Drama! ;) She loves doing that and it has been a fun activity for us since the beginning.

This picture is from the Friday before the 4th when we went to watch some fireworks (well, that was our PLAN...she decided to have a meltdown right as they started, so didn't actually see any of them!) I'm not sure if she'd ever had cheese pringles, but it had been a long time since I had! Apparently, she loved them too (I did tell her she didn't HAVE to eat them in stacks like that anymore after that because the teen and I weren't going to eat them all!!) Yes, she was wearing her pjs...partially her idea and it was good she was because she had to go straight to bed when we got home!

Well, I was maybe going to make a free photo book on w@lgreens.com but didn't have any pictures uploaded and now it's my bed time. Sad :( Back to work tomorrow. Good night!

Glutton for Punishment

I'm sad/emotional about last night plus I have cramps and feel like crap. So, after taking the little one to day care, I went back to bed. I've been in bed most of the day, even though I did make some phone calls and got up to eat lunch. Before I made lunch I some how decided to listen to this song, knowing full well that I was on the verge of tears and would have cried if someone had looked at me funny...yes, I'm a glutton for punishment (but also okay with crying...just to be honest ;) )

I talked to my agency worker on the phone a little bit ago (she was returning my call from this morning). She is coming this afternoon and suggested we not mention the school thing. She thinks maybe the teen has known about this, but not wanted to say anything because she didn't want to hurt/upset me since we have talked so much about how great that school has been for her (and was for me). She also mentioned since she is going back home after being in foster care, she is already "different" and may not want to go to a different school too. She isn't one to go against her family, even for something that is in her best interest, so it should not have come as a shock that this happens.

She said I have to let "my girl" have wings and be here for her for whatever life brings, wherever she is, whenever she needs me...and then I cried some more...and listened to this song again...and cried some more ;) Being a parent is hard work!

Harder Than I Thought

No, this isn't my "the girls went home" post, although that could still come any day now (yes, still waiting on the Judge...it has been over 5 weeks).

However, the past few days have been harder than I thought. I'm super tired, have a headache, and feel sick (plus my computer needs to be plugged in and the cord is in another room). So, this will be pretty quick.

I missed the girls like crazy this weekend. They have been going every weekend for the past eight-ish weeks, but this one seemed harder than others. Maybe it was the fireworks and remembering what we did last year. I'm not sure, but all I know is that it was rough and there were a few tears.

I guess part of the problem could have been that I found my notes from September and it doesn't seem like anything has changed. I even read through some notes from last July and things aren't really that much different. Their mom hasn't actively "done" anything to get them back...and I came to the conclusion that I was much more convinced they were ready to go home weeks, even months ago, than I  am now.

Then, they got back yesterday afternoon (their mom gave me three hours notice this time...thanks for the "heads up"). The teen shared that the day before, she had gone with her older brother and cousin to a State park to go swimming and it sounded like she had a great time. The little one went to the "forest" with whoever else and it sounded like a good time too. So, then I thought "maybe" she is ready, but then again, none of that was really active "parenting", since she was surrounded by her entire family and it was a "group effort", I'm sure. The little one told me she sleeps with her mom which is better than her sleeping with the teen, but still not quite "right" to me.

Today, I tried calling my house phone for two hours and got a busy signal. So, I thought the teen left the phone off the hook since she never talks on the phone. I later found out she was talking to her friend and to her cousin (she talked to her twice, actually). I thought that was good since she needs to be more social and that it was cool she was able to chat with her cousin (she NEVER calls her mom and her mom never calls her...for the record).

When I got home, she told her about her day--apparently she had a low grade fever, a headache, and a stomachache, but was in good spirits. Her headaches and stomachaches have been more frequent the past month or so, but she won't admit to them being related to stress. Anyway, in conversation, she mentioned she may transfer schools to where her cousin goes.

It took a great deal of effort not to lose it right there. In fact, I've been holding back tears for two hours and may just end up crying myself to sleep. This breaks my heart in ways I can't even put to words right now. How many times have I heard her mom say how important it was for her daughter to graduate from that school, how much that school has done for her daughter, that her daughter didn't ever do well in public school, so this was a great fit, etc.?! How many times have I heard the teen talk about this and than and when she's a Junior and when she's a Senior and how much she embraced all the traditions the school has and LOVES being a student there?! After I texted my dad to tell him, he texted back "Best thing 2 ever happen 2 her except 4 U"...and, now I can no longer hold back the tears, so I will have to stop for now. For sure there will be calls to the caseworker and the GAL bright and early because her staying at her current school was in the recommendations from EVERYONE...unfortunately, if her mom has her convinced that she no longer wants that for herself, there is not much anyone can really do.

Good night...

More to Come

I have a lot on my mind and a post that is wanting to come out, but I'm too tired to do that tonight. It's past my bed time and I may at some point wonder why I thought posting photos of the girls with their faces blurred out was a good idea, but it is what it is. These were taken the Friday before court. The photographer used to be a foster mom and a family support worker, so she gave me a great deal. I paid the sitting fee and she gave me the disk with 71 images. So, the teen was able to put them on her computer and we can print them wherever. Their mom wanted to "borrow" the disk, but I kind of said no...I'm feeling a tiny bit guilty about that since they are her kids after all, but not guilty enough to hand it over...not yet anyway. The teen did not know that she would be getting her picture taken, but she was a trooper and I think did have fun. I let her, my family, and the caseworkers look through the photos and pick out their favorites. I think ordering prints will be on my "to do" list for Monday.

The girls were picked up this morning while I was at work. Today was to be the first "family" therapy session with the teen and her mom. She wouldn't say, but I think she was pretty anxious about it, so hopefully it was productive. They will be coming back here on Tuesday (I think!) since we thought they should all stay together for the holiday. I miss them already, so have no idea what I am going to do when they go and don't come back three days later!

Well, I'd better head to bed...more to come...hopefully sooner rather than later!

Keeping Busy

The girls and I are keeping busy as we continue to wait to see what the judge decides. Yes, it has been over 4 weeks, and yes, it is frustrating...although I do enjoy having them and will be very sad when they go home. It was bittersweet to have a "date", but at least I "knew". The unknown is almost torturous, but I guess life is one big "unknown", right?!

Anyway, their mom dropped them off early from their visit on Monday, meaning I had to fix dinner instead of her. She did give me one hour notice and told me that was plenty of time to finish what I was doing and get to the grocery store and back...no comment, bloody tongue ;) I cooked on Monday what I was thinking about making yesterday and we ended up going out to dinner last night (I know, spoiled girls/lazy foster mom ;) )

The little one has been super sweet, unlike how she was when she was returned to me last week when she was completely exhausted and went into a sleep-deprived "rage". I guess this weekend visit was MUCH shorter than that one, but another point as to why there needs to be extended visits prior to a full return home. As a parent, you need to learn that if your kid doesn't get enough sleep (due to choices made by an adult!), you must deal with the consequences. Being a 24/7 parent is hard work and I think she forgot that since it has been so long since she had to do it. Sure, I'm supportive of her becoming their full-time parent again, but hoping that happens when she is ready to actually "parent"...not holding my breath, but for sure saying some prayers :)

Tomorrow, I'm not sending the little one to day care since the caseworkers are coming in the morning, we are going swimming with my friend in the afternoon, and to a baseball game at night (yes, talk about exhausted little one and dealing with tired crabby one...hoping for a nap at some point for both of us!) So, another fun-filled day where we can take more pictures and simply enjoy each other's company.

So, I've been busy busy, but it's been good. I'm sure I'll probably end up blogging a LOT once they do go home and I'm "bored" ;)

Good night.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

2009

2010

2011

Today, my nephew turned TWO! Wow how time flies! Looking back on the previous two years' posts, I noticed I made nice little collages...that's apparently not happening this year! I dropped the girls off at their mom's this morning, then went to go "see airplanes" with my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew since my nephew LOVE airplanes. It's amazing how much more he has grown in the past year. Even the little one noticed that now he can TALK! Of course, it's mostly still just words, but he uses them appropriately :) He likes to say "clock" and "airplane" and can say "please" and "thank you". I even got him to say my name today, which isn't an easy one! He still loves to dance and runs around like little boys do...he keeps my sister busy, that's for sure!

I love you, A...and am looking forward to seeing how much you grow and learn in the next year.

Checking In

I've been wanting to blog, I really have, but it's been a busy week and I'm tired! I actually am getting to work this week, which is fabulous, but does make for some long and tiring days. Today, I even went in for "overtime" which is very exciting (but, again, a little tiring after spending days at home lounging around!)

The girls are still living here as we continue to wait for the Judge's ruling. I talked to their GAL on Friday (I love her and wish we would have had her all the time, but it is what it is and she understands things very well!) who told me I would be one of the first to know when there is a report. She thought the State would have to arrange "pick up", so it isn't likely they would just come get the girls "randomly" while I was at work. She said that I could bring the girls and their things to their mom's if that would be a better/easier transition. There is a possibility that the order won't be for them to go home "immediately" and I think having a "date" would be easier for all of us (besides their mom who wants them home now...for reasons I best not type right now in my tired state in case I regret it later).

Their mom was MUCH less manipulative in her "conversing" with me this weekend, which was much appreciated (I was MORE than happy to send the requested milk + juice and bread with the girls today). I wanted to write a post titled "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", but may just have to write a small bit here. It feels like when the girls are with their mom, they have a good time, but when they are here, it is as if they really are "out of sight, out of mind". She knows how to contact me. She knows how to reach the teen (and the little one). But, she never does. She doesn't "communicate" until it's Friday afternoon and she "wants" them for the weekend. I think that is really sad. I ask the teen almost every day if she had talked to her mom, just in case there is some kind of communication occurring about visits or anything that I need to know about. The answer is always "no". I realize that the teen COULD contact her mom just as easily as her mom contacts her, but that isn't really the point. As much as I understand that this seeming lack of care and concern for her children isn't grounds to keep them living here, it still hurts to think about them going back to that way of living. I mean, when I'm at work, I call the teen at LEAST three times to check on her and she showed me the finger she burned on her flat iron at LEAST three times. She is used to the attention, and I'm pretty sure she likes it :)

I haven't heard from "the guy" since we went out two weeks ago. Maybe he knew things weren't really going to work before I did. I got mixed reactions from the relatives and friends I have talked to about what I discovered in therapy, but everyone has been more understanding than I expected. Of course, I still think I need to have some sort of conversation with him, but I'm okay waiting until we can meet face-to-face or at least have a phone conversation.

I've had two dreams during the past week that I needed to be licensed for three kids instead of just two. I don't think I'd really take three kids, but I did email my agency worker to see what would need to happen for me to get licensed for three. I think it is based on square footage, so I believe I could take four (or maybe even more) since I have a three bedroom house. I decided on two since that sounded more reasonable (I'm glad I didn't just say one!)

Well, this was supposed to be a super quick "checking in" post, but ended up being much longer! I need to end now so I can do a couple things before going to bed. I work the next two days, so that will be a "rude awakening" for my body. I have no idea when the girls will be back, but at least I won't miss them QUITE as much if I'm busy and tired!

Good night.

Family Time

After a couple of manipulative and guilt-trip filled text messages from the girls' mom on Friday afternoon, they were picked up by their cousin for the weekend. They actually are to be dropped off here shortly. We have not heard anything from the judge.

I "needed" them to go for the weekend because my cousin was getting married on Saturday, I did not RSVP for them, and my mom was counting on me having at least one overnight guest Friday night. Their mom texted me last night that they wanted to stay another night, which worked out because then my two high school cousins stayed the night after we went to see Bridesmaids :)

It was fun hanging out with my family without "entertaining" a teen and a pre-schooler, although it also would have been fine to have them there.

I got a pedicure, I bought a new dress, and went and got my hair done. I got a lot of compliments (and comments about my "thinness" which I actually can see in the pictures, although I wish I knew what to say about how it happened!) There was a candy "bar" and a photo booth...score! There was a lot of chatting and dancing. It was an all-around good time.

Enjoy the pictures :)

Thank You Therapy

I started seeing my counselor in Fall 2009 initially through the Employee Assistance Program. I was in pretty rough shape emotionally, but eventually came to the realization that while my life wasn't (isn't) "cookie cutter" or "normal" by society standards, that doesn't make it "wrong". I found a way to embrace my "singleness", and then found a way to be a mom. I learned that I'm not here to fit into the mold other's think I should fit into, I am here to do what God is calling me to do.

So, then what happened?!

I've been a mom for over a year and it has been the most amazing experience. Even though it will be incredibly sad when they go home, I know that I have given it my all and our lives are forever changed for the better. I have given them opportunities they would never have been able to experience. I have experienced love and laughter like none I had ever known. I love taking care of kids. I love being able to make a difference in their lives. I love being a mom.

I don't so much enjoy dating and that has been an ongoing struggle for me. I cried as I wrote this post on Saturday night and was pretty much left wondering what is "wrong" with me.

This morning, I dropped the little one off at her Spanish class and went to see K. Oh, how much I love K. We have been through a lot together and I've been seeing her twice a month during this time when I thought the girls were going home/are going home, but she has been working with me financially a lot (as in, today and a number of other sessions were free and she pretty much just has me pay what it costs her to "rent" the room for an hour...yeah, she's awesome). She made some really good points, I cried (of course), but agreed with her.

Once again, she helped me to embrace who I am, even if it isn't who "society" thinks I should be...or even who my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors think I should be. I need to be at peace with the fact that I have a gift for caring for kids and am called to that ministry, both as a pediatric nurse and a foster parent. I am not called to be in a committed relationship...at least not now. I have to believe that I gave it "the old college try" these past six months with possibly a guy who is 100% perfect for me, but I'm just not feeling it. The fact that I told her I was wondering what kind of "excuses" I would have to come up with once the girls go home pretty much sums things up.

She said I need to stop "should-ing" on myself...and I have been "should-ing" a lot in this relationship. I "should" text him to let him know I'm not working today. I "should" be excited when I get a text from him. I "should" say I'll go to dinner with him. I "should" talk to him before I accept any new placements. But, it "shouldn't" be like that. I KNOW it's not him (because he's a really great guy), that it's totally me, but she (tried to) help me see that this is "ok". There isn't anything "wrong" with me, this is just who I am...and why should I try to be someone I am not? That doesn't really help anyone. So, I need to be at peace with this, and hope "other people" are okay with it (and, if not, I need to be okay with that too).

Now, I just have to figure out when and how to tell him. Prayers certainly accepted and appreciated :)

Pins and Needles

That's how I feel like I am living these days--on pins and needles. Court was last Tuesday. One week ago.  At that time, the judge said she would look things over and make a decision. The GAL told the agency worker and me that she would let us know as soon as she sees the report. Everyone has told me that this judge is really unpredictable, so there is no guessing when that will be or what she will decide. I have a hard time believing she will go against the recommendation for the girls to "go home immediately", but then again, there were some tough questions asked at court that really didn't have stellar answers. So, I'm feeling, and have pretty much been told, that my phone could ring at any moment (well, likely not at 10:00 at night) to let me know that the judge has said that the girls go home "now" and then I pack their things and they go.

Let me just say, that I've kept my phone on me all day long and tried not to freak out when it rang (thankfully, it didn't ring more than a couple of times).

I haven't told the little one anything about "going home" because there doesn't seem to be much of a point since we have no clue when that will be and her sense of time is that of a 3 1/2 year old ;) I'm not sure how much the teen knows since she said that this weekend she did not talk to her mom about court, plan for visits this week, or about coming to get the full-size bed that I offered her mom (for her) back in January.

I guess the "pins and needles" thing has to be just as hard for the teen, but it seems like she is just "living it up" while she's here and doesn't appear to be too stressed out by what's happening. Of course, she had a migraine today, so maybe that's how she's dealing with it, but she denied being stressed or worried when I asked her (it was nearly 100 degrees with 30-40% humidity, so that could do it too!) She applied for a couple of jobs and I was reminded once again how amazing she is and how blessed I am to have come to know her.

This "pins and needles" thing really stinks, but I'm trying not to stress about it too much. What is to be will be and we will deal with what happens when it happens. I can't just sit at home waiting for the phone to ring, so the little one is taking a three day Spanish class in the morning before day care. The teen is sleeping in, watching baseball and silly youtube videos, and telling me all sorts of stories.

Just thought I should give an update...still waiting...on pins and needles.

One Year

One year ago tonight was the first night the girls spent here. Tonight, they are actually at their mom's. When they came, I never imagined they would still be living here a year later, especially since they had spent six months at the previous foster home and I was told then that they would be going home "soon". Well, that "soon" could be tomorrow...or the next day...or next week...or next month. I have absolutely no idea when the judge will make her decision or what that decision will be. I made a slide show on iPhoto with pictures from the last year (pretty sure there are 1000 pictures on my computer from the past year...not all of them, but many are) Unfortunately, I'm not technologically savvy and I didn't get started until late, so may have to go to bed without posting it :( The song I used for it is "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts which is the teen's "Class Song". I thought the lyrics fit fine for this too.

My Wish by Rascal Flatts
I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
and each road leads you where you want to go
and if you're faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you


And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin' 'til you find the window
if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
but more than anything, more than anything


My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
you never need to carry more than you can hold


And while you're out there gettin' where your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
and wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish


I hope you never look back, but you never forget
all the ones who love you and the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
and you help somebody every chance you get


Oh, you'd find God's grace in every mistake
and always give more than you take
but more than anything, yeah more than anything


My wish for you is that this life becomes all that you want it to
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
you never need to carry more than you can hold


And while you're out there gettin' where your gettin' to
I hope you know somebody loves you
and wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

Well, I don't have time to mess with it tonight, so will just post a couple of pictures...

Good night.

What Do I Want?

This is one of those posts that has been floating around in my head waiting to get out. It also could end up being one that I maybe shouldn't have pressed "publish post", but it will be me how I am right now and it has always been good for me to see where I have been and how I got to where I am.

Dating.

For a while, I was called the "one date wonder" by a friend because over the course of a year or so, I went on 4 (maybe 5, maybe 3?) "first dates". All seemed to go well, but there was no second call, no further contact.

Tonight, I went out with a guy I started talking to 6 months ago. Mostly, we "talk" or "text", but we have gone out maybe seven (or eight...I stopped counting) times. He often makes me laugh when we text. We have a good time when we are together. I can tell he likes me...a lot. I have really struggled with that, especially because I don't know what I want.

I have been seeing my counselor twice a month for months now. I visit with my "spiritual director" about once a month. I think about it, sometimes pray about it, occasionally have talked about it to people other than those two women, but have no answers.

Last weekend, I was given time to think about a potential foster placement if the girls went home. It definitely crossed my mind that I wasn't feeling I needed to include him in any of the decision making process. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted, but either didn't come to any conclusions, or didn't really like my answers (wow, I'm totally beating around the bush...or, maybe I'm even more confused than I thought I was, which seems impossible!)

What I thought about was that even through the ups and downs and stresses of the past year, I really think this is as happy as I have ever been (which I type with tears streaming down my face...awesome!) This past year, I was given the opportunity to do something I have wanted to do my entire life...and that is be a mom. As I thought of that potential placement earlier this week, I thought that if I spent my whole life taking care of other people's kids and never got married, I would be fulfilled...and I would be happy. Of course, then I thought of the argument people would have to say that it would be even more fun to take care of "other people's kids" WITH someone else.

But, do I "have" to? Is that what I'm "called" to do? Didn't I spent an entire year+ of therapy prior to the girls living here coming to the conclusion that my life is okay just the way it is, even if it isn't like anyone else's...or how other people think my life "should" be?

And then, there's this guy. This guy who probably has everything on the "list" I would have of what I wanted in that "special someone". When we started talking, I told people that "on paper" everything looks/sounds "perfect". But, beyond the "list", I don't really feel the desire for more. I find myself texting him when I think I am "supposed" to, or wait until he does and then of course respond, because it's rude if you don't. He texted me on Tuesday to see if we could do something some day/some time this week/weekend and I told him I was really busy and had a million things going on.

Seriously, I did.

Then, I had a change of heart (with a nudge from my sister) and texted him that if he was still free tonight, I would maybe be up to hanging out for a bit. As it turns out, he was baby-sitting his 3-year-old nephew (I know, cute), so it was a lot less stressful for me to go out with him anyway. He brought me a little rose from his garden (again, I know). We went Downtown and out to dinner. It was a good time, but again, I really don't know what I want...if I want anything more than that. It's "wrong", but I really like having the girls as an "excuse" and am a little anxious about what will happen when that excuse is gone.

The thing is, I probably shouldn't NEED an excuse. I probably need to talk to him. But, it's hard to talk about stuff like that when I have no clue what I want. I really do feel for him and think it is amazing that he has stuck with me for six months of this, but really how much is he going to be able to take? I'm frustrated with myself, so can't imagine what he's thinking.

Well, I'm not any closer to figuring out what I want, but I've used a couple tissues and made sure my tear ducts still work...yep, still intact and filled with tears (although not quite as full now ;) ) I guess I have more talking, and thinking, and praying to do, but now it is time to sleep.

Good night.

Birthday Wishes

This is a little late in coming, but better late than never, right?! ;) Today was (still is!) my friend Ginger's birthday. I thought it was appropriate to "re-post" a post I wrote right before I went to meet her for the first time two years ago. (Here is a link to the post I wrote last year which was a re-post of "how we met".) I love you, Ginger. Thanks for being with me through all the ups and downs and keeping me in check :) Happy (not quite belated!) Birthday! I love and miss you.

What Is a Friend? (Originally Posted May 29, 2009)

A friend is one of the nicest things you can have,
and one of the best things you can be.
A friend is the one who will always be beside you,
through all the laughter, and through each and every tear.
A friend is the one thing you can always rely on;
the someone you can always open up to.
A friend is a sanctuary.
A friend is a smile.
A friend is a hand that is always holding yours,
no matter where you are.
A friend is a feeling of forever in the heart.
~Collin McCarty

I have been thinking a lot about friends recently, and have been waiting for just the right moment to post this poem. I have decided to leave my lap top at home for this vacation, and am planning to set this entry to post right around the time I meet up with Ginger and Lauren.

Friends have kind of been a funny thing in my life. In elementary school, I went through a couple "best friends", but mostly I was friends with everyone (which, unfortunately, did not really translate to getting invited to the "cool parties") In high school, I was fortunate to have a couple "best friends" with whom I remain very close. (Remember, our very own "fifteen feet of fun"?!) But again, friends with everyone was kind of "my thing" and that pretty much continued through college. I am still friends with one member of "AMEALAKA" :o)

I had coffee today with a friend I have known since I baby-sat her kids who are now 14 and 18. She and I talked for over three hours and it was AWESOME! And, in total "un-randomness", I stopped by Target on the way home to pick up a couple things and ran into my friend (totally unflattering picture of us here) who was in town from a state away as her son is evaluated for a second transplant. They actually were stopping by Target on their way out of town, so it was GREAT to get to see her! Of course, I have my friendthat I met on the beach when we were ten. There are friends I have met through work, through church, through school, and yes through this here blog (I was going to link to that, but you are already here!)

I have friends from coast to coast, from north to south, from small towns to big cities. I have friends with families, and friends who are single or do not yet have children. I have a few friends who have had the basically "drama-free" life that I have been privileged to experience, and many who have endured the darkest times I hardly knew existed.

There are friends who came to me in ways I never could have imagined, and those who arrived when I needed them the most. Friends who make me laugh. Friends who put life in perspective. Friends who encourage. Friends who have so much faith in God even when life has given them so many reasons to stop trusting Him. Friends who let me be who I am and are okay with that. Friends who listen. Friends who always have words of wisdom. Friends of all shapes and sizes, from all economical, family, and religious backgrounds. Friends of all different ages. (For living a pretty "sheltered" life, I do have a rather diverse group of friends and I LOVE that!)

I have lived alone long enough and gone places alone more times than I can count. However, to say that I do not have jitters going into this weekend would be a lie (and, if you have read this blog long enough, you know that I not only have troubles keeping secrets, lying is definitely not something I even attempt because it would not be successful!) I don't remember my first day of kindergarten, but I imagine this is what it may have felt like. I am SO excited and know that there will be open arms and great people waiting for me in that airport, but my hands still shake as I think about this "plan" becoming a reality in a few short hours (probably should start packing since my ride is coming in six hours!)

I will close this post on friendship with the lyrics to a song I absolutely adore. I have listened to it SO many times and it still brings tears to my eyes (not ALL the time now, but SOMETIMES!) It is from the musical Wicked.

(Elphaba):
I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda):
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you...

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...

(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Thank you for being my friend. I know that because of you, I have been changed for good...and am looking foward to MUCH more of that when I return from my vacation (one of these days I WILL have to return to work...ha ha!)

No Decision

I almost thought I was going to be late to court this morning, but I got there about five minutes before the hearing was to start...and then it was 30-40 minutes later when we were called back. There were some anxious moments during court when I thought maybe the judge was going to direct a question at me, but thankfully she did not. It was pretty "interesting", as this judge is known for being unpredictable, and sometimes a not nice "b" word. I was shocked at the December hearing that she didn't have harsher words for their mom to get her act together, but was told she likely didn't have as much information as she did today. She asked some tough questions, some of which had tough answers (it had to be challenging to answer truthfully, but also in favor of them going home...) In the end, since it wasn't cut and dry with one report recommending them go home immediately and two reports questioning that, the judge decided she wanted to read all the reports herself and not make any decision today. I really want what's best for the girls, so even though it is challenging to be on this roller coaster ride, I guess it is nice that she is going to take some time before deciding what is best. I had prepared myself (as best I could) for them to go home today and convince myself they would be "ok". So, this "no decision" is hard, even though I love having them here with me.

The teen took the news surprisingly well and has been her normal self all day long (it may have helped that I left for three hours). I'm not sure how long it will take for the court report to come back and it could very well say that the kids go home that day. In the meantime, we will keep on having fun and making memories :)

Last Night...or Not?!

Just over two weeks ago, I would have thought tonight would look different than it does. I have cried many tears and done LOTS of "talking it out" and "thinking it over". When I didn't cry at the family team meeting on Thursday, I thought that maybe it was going to be "ok". I was determined to make the most of the days we had left (cue the baseball game and spur-of-the-moment pop concert) and then came Friday when the "certainty" of them going home was no longer there (as well as being presented with an opportunity to not have an empty house for long...). So, I am once again left wondering what is going to happen at court tomorrow...and what will life be like after whatever decision is made. There will definitely be challenges if they DON'T go home, and other challenges if they do. If they don't go home tomorrow, then what will the "transition" look like and will the "unknown" be worse then them just spending their last night here tonight?!

I called the teen when I got off work. They had been to my house for less than 5 minutes. I told her I was stopping by my parents on the way home, but would be there soon. She said they were fine and that the little one did okay leaving her mom's house. I stayed longer than I thought, but got home about half an hour after my call. She was in her room with the music on and the little one was watching a movie. The teen had already given her a bath. Now, I don't think the teen has given her a bath since like August (except maybe once or twice when I had her baby-sit during an event or something). Then, she refused to respond to my knocking on the door even though I was at home nearly an hour before I tried. I know she needs space, but it was making me really sad that our "last night" was going to be like that. Eventually, she came out of her room and we spoke some words before she went back to her room. I made her CDs of the songs she listens to on my iPod. She requested a couple other songs that I had forgotten, so I made another one. I am grateful that our potential last night was not in silence. I had planned to write her a letter and really should have done that yesterday. I want her to know that I will always be here for her and will always love her, but think doing it in writing is more lasting. However, I'm really tired right now and don't think I can do it. Plus, it may be awkward to give it to her and then them not go home tomorrow...

Wait and see is all I can do right now...and get some rest so I don't have to wear sunglasses in the courtroom ;)

Good night.