Since it was slow, I had time to sit an cuddle a precious, precious little one. I held her for a while at the nurses' station and snuggled. She was SO tired, but refused to go to sleep while we were sitting there. So, I took her to her room and we rocked until she fell asleep (I nearly did too!) I had a few things to do, or probably would have held her a LOT longer after she went to sleep! When she woke up, we sang songs, read books, and snuggled some more. It was SO great. Although she wasn't my patient, the situation her family is in just made me really sad (that's pretty much all the more I should say...except to add that there is no abuse/legal issues/etc. going on...and that when I decided to pursue foster parenting, I knew that it would have to be the "right kid" and the "right situation" for it to work...and it looks pretty much like "this"...)
Our snuggle time reminded me of this sweet girl.
Oh how much I loved this little girl...my eyes have filled with tears just thinking about her. She was so sweet, loved to cuddle, and, as you can see, could give the biggest smiles. Due to certain circumstances, her family was unable to be at the hospital with her for months. As much as they loved her, it just wasn't feasible to travel back and forth or have someone stay here with her. So, sometimes I stayed after my shift was over to rock her. I came in on days off to play with her. I bought her dresses, did her laundry, attempted to do her hair. So often I wished that I could just take her out of the hospital for a while to have some fun, maybe even have her stay at my house until she was ready to go back home. But, at the time, I didn't have a foster parent license (I STILL don't, but think I am going to start the ball rolling on that again tomorrow), and I am also not sure that was a direction they would have taken... She was really sad missing her parents and siblings, so sometimes it was hard to get her to do much besides cuddle, but she usually brightened up when I came around which warmed my heart...and definitely helped later.
This picture was taken some time in the summer...I can tell from my softball shirt :o) She was about to go home with her dad after being in the hospital for MONTHS. That huge smile was for him, not me, but I am glad to have it captured on film. She celebrated her fourth birthday at home that September. I remember that December day when I received the phone call that she had died at her home hospital. Oh how much I cried. Selfish cries wishing I'd been able to say good-bye while knowing it was best to be near her family when she died rather than being hundreds of miles away from those she knew and loved best. Not long after that, I called her mom to express my condolences. I will never forget her saying through her own tears how much her daughter loved me, and thanked me for caring so much for her during those months when they were away. As the tears stream down my face almost exactly three years since I last saw her smiling face, I know that even though it hurts, I have ZERO regrets for having loved her that much.
Little did I know that the sadness at work was going to go spinning out of control. One of my other "favorite" patients died at her home hospital a month before this little one. The winter of 2006-2007 was a terrible time. While I do not know the exact number, I think fifteen would be a safe guess for how many patients died during a span of about four months. All for different reasons/complications, not all here at our hospital, but each and every one came as a terrible blow. Tuesdays in January were particularly tough...three weeks in a row, patients we ALL knew and loved took their last breaths here.
Pretty fitting that when I switched over to copy the link to this post where I showed some of these kids, the song Angels Among Us began to play. That song may even speak to me even more than "Borrowed Angels". I definitely have been blessed more times than I can begin to count with people who seem to have just "come" to me and then "shown me how to live, teach me how to give, and guide me with a light of love..."
Reflecting, and remembering have been on my mind this past week as evidenced by yesterday's post and this one...and has led to MANY tears, but that isn't really a bad thing in my opinion.
Tomorrow will mark four years since Isaac Bolte left this Earth...his "Heaven Day". Tomorrow, I will wear my "Team Isaac and Asher" shirt. I have learned through the years that no amount of time can take away the pain, but knowing that someone out there is remembering your child and the life he/she lived even years after his/her death definitely can help. One of the first grieving mom's I "met" online was a woman whose daughter died while waiting for a liver transplant. I learned SO much from reading her words on her daughter's site, and have continued to learn what kinds of things help--and what kinds of things definitely do not--from the friends I have "met" since then. And so, tomorrow I am going write notes to people who are surely missing their loved one as much today as the day they said good-bye. I will "commit" to four--one for each of Isaac's years--but maybe will "try" for six--one for each day that Isaac lived here on Earth.
Even though I never saw the movie where they used this song, when I first heard it, I knew I needed to use some of the lyrics in the first memorial service I helped plan. The patient had been on my floor for a long time, but it wasn't until her final two months that I "found" her. It is called "Remembering You"...which seems like a good way to end this song-filled post that I have actually been typing on for close to two hours...probably could have gotten my self-evaluation done (or the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher!) in that time.
- Steven Curtis Chapman Lyrics
Well, I have a list of things to do tomorrow, including getting up in time to call the "lead lady" who only works from 8-9:30. So, I should probably head to bed.
Good night.
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