Even More Confused

I was awakened at 1:30 this morning by the telephone ringing. I had no idea what time it was, so thought it was work telling me I was called off/on-call. I was surprised to hear an agency worker on the phone looking for a "couple day" placement for a "young man". I sleepily told her that I already had two placements and was "full" and she said they were just looking for ANY PLACE for this kid. I didn't ask how old or anything since I was scheduled to work today and tomorrow (plus, I technically am only licensed for two kids). I said sorry and went back to sleep.

I did get awakened again at 5:00 to be put "on-call". Our census is low and, unfortunately, many people, myself included, do not have PTO to cover these days of not working. Thankfully, the holiday will be on this pay check, so I won't have to use as much PTO. However, I took three days off during the next two weeks since I didn't know what was going to be happening in my life. Now, the bulk of those days off will be unpaid.

Anyway, since I was off, I had a lot of time to think. I decided to stay in bed until my body was ready to get up...that happened to be 11. I went to Mass at a different church because I didn't feel like running into anyone I knew. I'm usually one to talk, but I wasn't feeling it today. There is too much going on and I really need to sort things through in a "controlled" manner. I had a "leisurely" lunch before making a trip to the grocery store since our fridge was nearly empty. I picked up a little bit and paid some bills. I decided not to pack up the little one's things because it seemed like it would be more "traumatic" to have to unpack everything if they don't go home Tuesday than for me to have to quickly pack everything if they do.

My dad went to California with my grandma for my cousin's graduation. My grandma stayed, but my dad came home today. The neighbors were going to pick him up at the airport, but since I was home, I offered. I wanted to hear his "take" on this new placement idea and share the $hutterfly book I made for the little one anyway. When I had talked to my mom about getting a placement, she thought I should take a break. I was definitely leaning toward that. It seems like I would feel guilty filling their rooms so quickly. I know that no one can replace them, but it feels like lying when I say that I will always be here for them, that this will always be a safe place, but I am caring for other kids now. I am not sure what will happen when they go home and I'm not sure what I would do if they ended up back in care and my home was "full". I obviously couldn't put the new placement(s) out on the street, but it would be traumatic for them to have to go somewhere else. (See, I'm very confused, even though I have been thinking a lot!)

So, I was thinking that even if the girls go home on Tuesday, I would have to say that this placement sounds like a great fit, but this is not a great time. However, my dad was basically like "go for it!" He thinks it would be a different opportunity, but a good one (he also asked what my "boyfriend" thought...ha!)

Now, I am even more confused and have no clue what I will do. Of course, the decision will be make for me if the girls don't go home on Tuesday. I am feeling guilty about that too in that it will be my "fault" if they don't get to go home. The GAL got a great deal of her information from me to come to her conclusion to recommend against going home at this time. While I only told her the facts (I re-read my email today) and ultimately it is the judge's decision, I am still feeling some weight of that decision. I had resigned myself to the fact that they would be going home on Tuesday. They will be "ok" and they will be "safe". Of course, a lot of the rest of the situation makes me sad, but it is what it is and I know that we shared many happy moments together during this time.

As I was walking to my bed (over a few less papers than earlier today), I saw a bookmark we got from pastoral care for nurses' week. It reads "May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love." ~Mother Teresa Perfect timing or what?! I guess time will tell...and I have a couple of nights to "sleep on it" too.

Good night.

Now What?

Thursday we had a family team meeting. The service coordinator is recommending the girls (and their brothers) go home after court. In an effort to make the most of our time left, Thursday and Friday were jam-packed full! Thursday night, we went to a baseball game. The little one didn't sit very still, but after an hour-and-a-half of working on her hot dog, she finished it so we could have cotton candy. The teen invited a friend and we all had a good time.

Yesterday morning, we went and got pictures taken. My friend knows a photographer who also used to be a foster mom and a family support worker. So, she just charged me her sitting fee and will give me the disk. She took photos of the little one alone, the teen alone, the two of them together, and a couple of the three of us. I can't wait to see them. The teen is gorgeous and I especially can't wait to see hers! She was not warned she would be photographed, but she looked nice and was a trooper :)

We waited until after pictures to tell the little one about the concert. I video taped it and it was pretty funny, although she wasn't as excited as we thought she would be. Maybe she didn't quite get it because she did when we were there. We were WAY up high in the "nose bleed" section, but we could hear and see things pretty well. Plus, for less than $50 for three tickets, it was totally worth it :) The teen didn't really show her excitement, but she did take video and pictures, so I know she enjoyed herself and liked being able to experience it with her little sister (what kid gets to go to her first concert at 3 1/2?!) We had binoculars, but only used them a little bit. We didn't get back to my house until 11:30 PM, so it was a REALLY late night for the little one, and made for an extra early 5:30 AM alarm for me!

I found these pictures on my camera when I went to load the other ones. The teen must have taken them this morning before they left for their visit. I think the little one is folding a towel or something...

Okay, enough pictures...now to get to the title of this post ;)

Yesterday afternoon, my agency worker and the GAL came to my house. They were here to talk to me and to the girls. The worker arrived before the GAL and talked to me one-on-one about my plans for when the girls go home. She knows that I mentioned "taking a break". However, there is a 17-year-old with a 4-month-old who needs moved from her temporary placement and she was wondering about my interest in that. She told me to think about it over the weekend and get back to her. Having a teen and her baby is something that I have actually thought about. I think it would be a huge opportunity to impact both of their lives. Even with all of the struggles I have had this past year with "the system", KNOWING how much of an impact I have made in these girls' lives is such a blessing. But, I am if I may need "grieving time" and also a "mental break" before I could fully "be present" to this girl and her baby. I'm sure she is not quite like the teen who lives here currently. Helping her learn to be a good parent if she already thinks she knows what she is doing would be a huge challenge (especially since I've never parented a baby either!) It's a challenge that I think in the "right time" I would absolutely love to take on. But, is now the right time?!

Lots to think about...and I definitely did not see that coming!

The GAL is new and had never met me or the girls. Since the little one was sleeping and I thought the teen was resting, the three of us started talking. I had sent a report to the GAL, but kind of gave her an update on the family team meeting and how the girls were doing. I was surprised to find out that she was NOT going to recommend them go home on Tuesday. We (quietly) talked about this and that, but when I went to to get the teen to come talk to them, she refused. She was obviously upset, but would not come meet the GAL or anything. She mentioned something about us already doing enough talking or something like that. I'm not sure she could have heard anything, but likely assumed we were talking negatively, even though we really weren't. I had resigned myself to the fact that they were going home on Tuesday and I just needed to hope and pray that the teen can stand up for herself and that their mom agrees to getting help/support for herself and her family beyond money. I have heard that the judge is really unpredictable, so I have no idea how much weight the GAL recommendation versus the service coordinator's will come into play. I actually feel somewhat guilty that a lot of the information the GAL has came from me. I really wasn't trying to sabotage reunification, but I did state the facts--she does not take an active interest in  having any sort of contact with her daughters. She (almost) never calls them and it's almost like she is "supposed" to have visits instead of "wanting" them...if that makes sense. This month was a lot better, but initiating visits isn't something she did very often. If visits were missed, she never asked for time to get made up. The whole "bed thing" is annoying, but par for the course with her. Still, not a safety issue as I've been told for months.

So, will they or will they not go home on Tuesday? If they do not, then how angry will the teen be and what am I going to do with her for the summer? If they do, then do I immediately fill my house with another teen and her baby? When I mentioned the placement to my mom, she pretty much told me that everyone needs a break. So, maybe I already have my answer, but I do have a little more time to think. Plus, it's "off the table" if I still have these girls. I also thought I would like to keep my rooms open in case their mom really can't handle things...and it kind of seems "wrong" to in a sense "move on" so quickly.

Lots to think about and work is really crappy right now. Our census is low, so people are getting forced off and many of us do not have any PTO. On top of it, for "budget reasons", our manager is staffing to a minimum. Today was pretty bad and a lot of it would have been avoided if she hadn't taken away our nursing assistant for the day. All of us ran around like chickens with our heads cut off doing our best to care for these sick children and their families. It was not much fun, that's for sure. I would say that I would love to stay home tomorrow, but I took time off during the next two weeks that is already going to be partially unpaid (possibly completely unpaid if I get called off during the next week).

I had cool ranch doritos, rice, and a beer for dinner and am about to head to bed. I welcome any advice/suggestions/comments...wondering what I'm supposed to do now!

Good night.

What Makes Me Sad

This afternoon, we had a "family team meeting", even though the plan is for the girls to go home on Tuesday. We haven't had one since January and none of the ones I attended were very productive. So, I guess we "had" to have one since it had been so long and I guess "touch base" before court. In attendance was myself, the service coordinator, both agency workers (the one for the girls and the one for the boys), and their mom.

I was determined not to cry...and I did not. Her new place is nice, which is good. It is government housing and they gave her a four-bedroom place so there was room for everyone to come home. She has been there a month and hasn't gotten a single bed for any of her five children who are to be coming home in five days. I offered her a full-size bed in January, but she has to arrange someone to come get it at a time that works for me. Today, she told me she needs a kitchen table if I know anyone who wants to give her one. She asked the service coordinator to find her beds...bunk beds if possible.

She didn't want to have the girls come tomorrow and stay until Monday because she is "low on groceries", but they are to go from Saturday to Monday. She more or less said that as soon as her kids get back then she can get her welfare back...and that is that. She is not planning to find work. When asked what she would do if she didn't get her welfare checks, she said that won't happen, so she didn't need to plan for that. She mentioned something about a "benefit dinner" to help pay for the teen's school (are you for real?!) but did say that it is important for her to continue attending that school (good to hear, but not for sure I believe in her ability to follow through with something that requires a bit of sacrifice and effort).

So, the girls will be going back to living on government assistance with a parent who has no desire to live any other way. They have spent 18 months in a stable environment getting ALL of their needs met--physical, social, mental, emotional, educational, etc.--and are about to go back to something that is anything but stable. The little one has a basic schedule with consistent rules and discipline. She definitely knows how to manipulate, but it doesn't really work here. She's the "baby", so I can see the "tantrums" and "outbursts" becoming more frequent and being dealt with in the easiest way possible which is giving in to her requests (eg. crying for candy, crying because she wants you to put her sweater on her, crying because she wants to watch a movie...)

I know they are "lucky" to have been able to experience life outside of poverty and see that you get to do fun things if you work hard. They have been given amazing role models (if I do say so myself ;) ) and have seen another way of living. I realize that this alone could "break the cycle", but knowing that they are seen as much for being a "pay check" as they are for being "flesh and blood" is heartbreaking.

Tonight we went to a baseball game. Tomorrow, the little one is getting her pictures taken (and maybe the teen/me too). Tomorrow night, we are going to a concert. The little one doesn't know yet and the teen is going to record her reaction. I found three tickets in the "nosebleed" section for less than $50 when the original price for one was almost $70. The teen didn't show her excitement as much as I thought she would, but I know she is excited and is looking forward to sharing this experience with her sister. I can't believe I'm bringing a 3 1/2 year old to a concert...what can I say, these girls are spoiled (just like I was when I was a kid, right?! ;) ) and totally worth it!

Long and busy day tomorrow.
Good night.

One Week

I am having a hard time believing that one week from today (if things go they way I have been told they will go), my house will be quieter than it has been for nearly a year. No more teenager singing nearly 24/7 and giving me random facts like volcanos erupting in Iceland. No more constant chatter of a little one who tells random stories from months ago. No more TV and popcorn nights with the teen after the little one's in bed. No more snuggling on the couch with the little one when we weren't ready to get up for the day.

This "season" is coming to an end. Sure, I've been "preparing" for this time for nearly 12 months knowing it would happen some day. I definitely knew it was going to be hard. I know that I am "lucky" that our 12 months together has been so great...and that there are worse conditions they could be returning home to.

I don't have any regrets. I know that I gave it my all and showed these girls the love they deserve. All of us are better because of this time. It is really hard to see that their mom has not appeared to have changed at all. My heart hurts knowing what they are going home to, but then I am reminded that I am not here to "judge", she is still their mom, and she does love them.

They are still here, though, and it sounds like there will be recommendations for their mom to use me as a "resource" person or something along those lines. So, I don't think it will be "good-bye" forever, but it is still going to be different...and tough. We definitely have more memories to make in the time we have left with this "arrangement".

The teen and I have enjoyed a number of thunderstorms together during the past 12 months. One of the first things we did last summer was play in the rain (while the little one watched from the door in her bathing suit). Saturday night, we had another storm, but it didn't rain as much as we thought it was going to. She watched the lighting for an hour (nice little study break...ha!) and pointed out different things she saw in the clouds...she is so silly! As much as I love the little one, I have cherished the time when it was just the two of us. I am blessed that she enjoys spending time with me and sharing her accomplishments (last night, she messaged me to let me know she got a B on her Algebra final...awesome!) I am so proud of her and hope she is able to stay focused on her current goals and continue to strive for them. I also hope that she knows I will ALWAYS be here for her, no matter what. I am planning to write her a letter, but have not done that yet.

Last night, we had our "final" family dinner at my mom and dad's. The teen picked hamburgers for the menu. After dinner, my mom filled the pool for the little one and my nephew. It was actually quite chilly, but I kept my feet in it and you got used to it after a while. They had fun playing together. She has lots of memories of being with him and my sister since she watched her while I worked for the first 10 months. Little ones are so much fun and it has been great watching her grow and change. She talks non-stop and has the memory of an elephant (I'm excited about that ;) ). She says random silly things (this morning during breakfast, she asked who my cousin's prince was and excitedly answered her own question...guess you had to be there 'who's your cousin's prince?!...he is!', but it was super cute and funny ;) ) I put together a $hutterfly book for her with TONS of pictures of our "adventures" together (I had over 800 to choose from!) The front cover just has pictures of her and the back cover just has pictures of the two of us where I wrote "Years will pass, but no matter where life leads us, on these pages we will always be together. I love you "L", now and forever."

What a year it's been...only one more week.

Four Years of Blogging

Four years ago, on May 22, 2007, I started this blog and wrote my first post. I summed up 2007 with an "end of the year" summary post. I wrote a lot about work and made some new friends. I gained a brother-in-law and made plans to start taking foster parent classes (I did them in April 2008)

Three years ago, on May 22, 2008, I wrote this post. I am happy to report that I lost those 12 pounds during this past year, although I'm not sure how I'm going to go about keeping them off ;) I celebrated my 10-year class reunion and took a trip to celebrate turning 29. Later that year, I found out I would become an aunt in 2009.

Two years ago, on May 22, 2009, I actually wrote two posts. The first one was a reminder about how life can change in an instant and then I wrote about being in Tennessee to celebrate my cousin's graduation. I was preparing to meet Ginger for the first time (yes, two vacations in one month!) She was my first (and currently only!) "blog friend" that I have met in person. I like this "friend post" that I wrote in between trips. I'll even link to the post where I talk about my mom's reaction to me meeting a "blog friend". And, of course I had to watch this slide show again :) In June, I became an aunt and in January 2010 I got my foster parent license.

Last year, on May 22, 2010, I was nearing 800 posts. I was preparing for my trip to Pittsburgh to visit Ginger and meet her family. I had gotten a couple of calls about foster kids, but had to sort of keep myself off the list for a bit since I had trips in April and in May. On the day I returned from my trip, I had two calls about some girls who needed a new foster home (and a call about a boy that I ended up turning down). The following day, I met the girls, and they spent their first night with me on June 5, 2010.

Today, on May 22, 2011, I am preparing to send those girls back home to their mom. What a year it has been! I definitely didn't know a year ago what was in store for me (I suppose that is nothing different than the previous years...gaining a brother-in-law, getting a nephew, meeting a "blog friend"...) We have made memories upon memories and I know our lives will never be the same. It has been an amazing blessing to have had the opportunity to share life with them. All of us have grown and changed so much during this year. I made a photo book for the little one and on the back page it says "Years will pass, but no matter where life leads us, on these pages we will always be together."

I have no idea where the next year will take me, but I am thankful for an amazing family and terrific friends who will be with me during the good times and those that aren't so good.

Thanks for being here. Happy Blogoversary to me :)

Skipping School

Yesterday, I didn't send the little one to day care so we could meet my friend and her daughter at the Children's Museum. The girls play together really well and we have had "play dates" a number of times. I thought it was a good idea to get them together one more time before the little one goes back home. My friend adopted both of her kids through the same foster care agency I use and also has been a family support worker. So, she has been a great support for me this past year (we actually met when she was the family support worker on a case where they needed a nurse at the supervised visits) and I'm grateful for her friendship. After we played, we went to a restaurant to have "breakfast for lunch". My friend also has a friend who is a photographer who used to be a foster parent, so she is going to take pictures of the little one next Friday and is giving me a GREAT deal. It was a fun day. (The day before that, I spent a great deal of time on the phone and sending emails about the girls trying to arrange this and that and get things figured out...there are some things that I will not miss!)

Apparently, the service coordinator decided that since the girls are most likely going home on the 31st, they ought to spend more than every other weekend at their mom's. Unfortunately, there wasn't a whole lot of notice given to this plan and the teen had finals yesterday, today, and three days next week. She has been working REALLY hard and has a study "routine" here. While I understood the service coordinator's point that she needs to learn to study at her mom's house and have that conversation with her mom, I don't think that the weekend before finals was a fair time to "test" that. The teen actually decided to skip the entire weekend visit even though the little one would still be going. The service coordinator kind of twisted my email in a way that worked to where she volunteered me to bring the little one to her mom tomorrow without directly asking me. It's irritating, but things worked out and I did bring the little one to her mom's tonight (she cried for her mom at bedtime last night which she has only done once or twice before and I told her she was going to see her mom today, so I had to make it work). The teen actually didn't come with me to drop off her sister which I didn't expect. I also expected she would change her mind about skipping the visit after talking to her mom (I'm pretty sure her mom is good at guilt trips). I'm really proud of her for doing what she needs to do for herself and hope she is able to continue doing that.

I can hardly believe their time here is coming to an end. Stephanie left me a comment that used the word "arrangement" that I really liked. While this "arrangement" will be over, I am hopeful that it will end up becoming another positive "arrangement" that actually could be less stressful than the current one. When I spoke to the GAL on Wednesday (a new one, by the way...nice, right?!), she talked to me about being a resource for their mom and continuing to have a relationship with the girls. I think as long as I have some established boundaries/guidelines (even unspoken ones), it will work. I love these girls too much to say so long, farewell, good bye and good luck. I'm sure I will always worry about them and my house is going to be REALLY quiet for a while, but at least I know they will be "safe" (at least that's what the service coordinator keeps reminding me...they have to go home because there is no safety risk there).

I didn't cry today. Maybe I didn't cry because I was so irritated with the communication/transportation issue and the realization that I won't have to deal with that stuff when they no longer live here.

The teen and I had dinner just the two of us and she talked almost the whole time. She has been talking to me a lot these days. She has grown so much and I am proud of myself for helping her see what a great kid she is. She is so much more confident in herself and her abilities. It has been awesome to watch that transformation :)

I'm sure there will be more to come on this...we will be making more memories and I'll have more "talking it out" to do :)

For now, good night :)

Two Weeks

I talked to the service coordinator yesterday (while I was at work). She told me to expect nothing different than for the judge to say the girls can go home when the hearing is over. The hearing is May 31, which is two weeks from today.

I managed to hold in the tears during work, but once I got home, I didn't last very long. The little one had put herself to bed 10 minutes before I got home which was cute and made life easier for me, but it was one less time I had the opportunity to put her to bed. So, I cried, and I "tweeted" (while the teen was in her room studying for finals and listening to JJ Heller's "What Love Really Means"...her new favorite song...I'll post it at the end). My "twitter friends" offered their prayers and reminded me that "the impact you've made on their lives is immeasurable" and "tears just mean there is love there".

I did more crying and "talking it out" today with my friends at Curves, with my family, and pretty much anyone else willing to listen ;) I know that I have made a difference in their lives (and they in mine). I know that they are "the lucky ones" who were given an opportunity to live in a "functioning" family out of poverty with unconditional love for 18 months. I also don't think that our "good-bye" will be "forever", (I just had to take a break to watch a video/slide the teen made of the baseball game we went to last month...I managed to get through it without crying) but I'm certain there will be plenty of tears in the coming weeks. 

Yes, I'm fortunate to know that they will be "safe". I know they will have food and a roof over their head. I realize there are foster parents who send their foster kids back to much worse. Yes, there are some things about this that I won't miss, but MANY things that I will. I'm still worried about what is going to happen to them when they go back to a life that is so much different than the one they have lived for nearly a year in my home. I'm working on a $hutterfly book for the little one and had over 800 pictures to choose from. Now THAT is a lot of memories! :) It has been harder to make than I thought, but it is going to be very special when it is done. That means that both girls will have books to bring with them and both of them have canvases for their rooms. They also have "a bazillion" memories and life experiences and have been given amazing role models (if I do say so myself...I have awesome friends and family!)

I think I will end this post for now, but will try and "blog" a little more frequently during the next two weeks as I continue to process what this means for all of us. Your prayers are appreciated for all of us. I'm thinking a lot about their mom and how she has no clue how much different her kids are after spending 18 months out of her care, and pray that she will take all the help she can get/use the resources offered to her. I'm planning to pack as many memories into these next two weeks as I can. My gut is telling me that I really only have about nine days left with them since they likely will spend Memorial Day weekend with her and since court is the next day, I'm thinking they will just stay.

Here are some pictures of the little one from our trip downtown and from my softball game tonight as well as a link to the teen's current favorite song. Her therapist was going to have her talk about the song because we both believe there is a "reason" it is her current favorite...I've been telling her "I love you for you" ;) 

Good night.

Being a Nurse

This past week was National Nurses' Week. For a couple of years, I was on my hospital's Nurses' Week Committee, but felt a bit "out-of-the-loop" this year. My parents and my sister gave me Nurses' Week cards/gifts, which was really thoughtful. We did get a gift from the floor and got some "goodies". Today we had a pot lock.

In honor of Nurses' Week, I decided to take a break from my foster parent blogging (try to anyway!) and write about being a nurse.

I have been a nurse for nearly nine years. I can't believe I have been out of college for that long! I always knew I wanted to work with children, so have had no desire to do anything besides be a Pediatric nurse. I have been on my current unit for over 7 1/2 years. Being a pediatric nurse is not all fun and games as some would think. Before I had foster kids, most of my blog posts were about my work. My work was my life, and in some ways it still sort of is, although having kids living with me has obviously changed some things.

Probably 70% (that's a guess!) of our patients come to us from another State. These kids are very sick, so sick that their home hospital has done everything they can to no avail and we are the "last chance hope" for them. That makes for some rough days, especially since every parent deals with the situation differently. I feel like my job is to take care of them as much as their child. Thankfully, I feel like I am a person who understands differences and tries to put myself in their shoes before judging their behavior. Of course, it can get tiring, but there are enough good parents and success stories to make it all worth it. (I wish I wasn't so tired or I would put links up to some of my favorite stories, or some of the bittersweet/sad ones that put things into perspective for me and my role in the lives of these families.)

Just over two years ago I wrote about a young patient who had a brain tumor. He was pretty much fine one day had a seizure at school the next day, diagnosed with a brain tumor and his parents were told he would not live. When he transferred to my hospital, he could not speak and had no control over his body. As he improved, he began to smile and eventually give "thumbs ups". He took a liking to me and once he could speak, he called me his girlfriend (I think he was 9 or 10). A month or so later, he had his family get us matching rings and he asked me to be his wife. He got better and left the hospital. He went back to school. Then, the tumor came back and they said he wouldn't live. So, his family spent as much time together as they could and did so outside the hospital. I last saw him back in the fall when he was admitted for some big seizures, but didn't know that his condition had worsened. He passed away early this morning at home...over two years after doctors told his parents he would not even speak again. He will always be the first "boy" who proposed to me. His family will always have memories of the nurse who made their son a husband.

Being a nurse is challenging, but rewarding. Most days I enjoy going to work. More often than not, I leave knowing that I have made a difference.

Happy Nurses' Week :)
Good night.

Making Memories

The next court hearing is three weeks from today on May 31. It does not sound like that will be moved up as had previously been discussed. Even with my reports and the reports from my agency worker, it seems likely that they could return to their mother immediately. The service coordinator said yesterday (in an email that was forwarded to me) that there is "nothing to be discussed" because there is no safety threat.  While I understood that this was a possibility, it still came as quite a blow yesterday and my stomach is still churning today. I always knew the plan was for them to go home. I'm even starting to think about how I will "do life" without these two people living here, while hopeful that they will remain in my life in some capacity. The teen gets out of school on May 25, so I'm wondering if they will just go "home" after that and then the hearing is a "formality". I'm not sure what to think, or what the judge will do. She is still just taking them every other weekend overnight and then one day of the opposite weekend. That is the part that frustrates me, especially since she has no contact whatsoever with them on the days they aren't with her. I understand there are lazy and emotionally neglectful parents out there who don't lose their kids. So, in reality, these kids are the "lucky ones" to have gotten "out" for nearly 18 months. However, that doesn't make it any less sad for me, wondering how they will adjust back to a life with minimal attention after they have basically had "undivided" attention for this long.

But, I have no control over any of that. So, we will continue spending time together, making memories, taking pictures, and loving each other for as long as things remain this way.

Here are some "highlights" from the past couple of weeks:

I accidentally ran over a bunny home with my lawnmower and a bunch of bunnies ran out.

We found two of them, and the teen put them back in their hole.

The little one thought that was fun.

My family got together to celebrate my Maternal Grandmother's birthday.

I was pleasantly surprised that the teen decided to come with me and the little one.

My mom had this idea for us to hold up my grandma's high school picture when we sang.

She didn't realize it was her at first, then got a kick out of it. My grandpa did too.

The little one had fun with the cardboard cut-outs later (not so much during the singing part...

she wasn't the center of attention during that and she doesn't so much like that ;) ).

The little one was DEFINITELY jealous when I held my cousin's baby at a bridal shower on Saturday.

She immediately had a meltdown about the knee she had hurt the day before.

Her mom is in for a rude awakening because that girl CRAVES attention...

and most of the time she gets it ;)

My nephew and the little one played at my aunt and uncles.

My nephew misses having her around now that she started day care.

I think she misses him a little bit.

My nephew will be two next month (wow!) but he thinks he's a big kid

and kept up with her walking around and around that garden, chasing her around the yard.

I got a REALLY cute picture of the two of them sitting on the rocks...

too bad I can't post it here :(

Friday night, I had the teen watch the little one since "ice skating boy" invited me to a dinner for his work. I'm wondering what kind of "explaining" he had to do yesterday ;) I'm still not quite sure about this "dating thing" and it feels really weird that he likes me so much, but we had a fun time and it wasn't really "awkward", so that's good ;)

Saturday was the bridal shower for my cousin. The little one came with, but the teen stayed home...hopefully she was studying. She seems like she has started slacking off a little bit since it is getting harder, but maybe she is just trying to stay calm. The little one and I went to the last show of the season at the children's theater (our SEVENTH!) My friend and her daughter actually came with us and as "coincidence" would have it, "ice skating boy" brought his nephew to the same show. They sat a couple of rows ahead of us and I didn't invite him to ice cream with us, but I did kind of sort of talk to him (yes, it makes me wonder why he likes me because I'm not always very nice...I have issues).

Sunday, I "facilitated" a visit for the girls seeing as it was MOTHER'S DAY. Actually, apparently, she gets to "pick" a day of the weekend they don't spend the nights and I highly encouraged the service coordinator to "make" her pick Sunday. I was at work and got some "Happy Mother's Day" wishes, and a couple of "well, sort of Happy Mother's Day" which I tried not to be offended by, but did make me remember the time the girls' mom told me "you'll be a good mom some day"...ha!

Last night was "May Crowning" at the teen's school. It brought back fond memories for me even though when I went there it was held in a courtyard and now it's in the gym. Unfortunately, the little one had not taken a nap at day care, so she was not-so-much into listening and being quiet, so it wasn't quite as much fun. The teen refused to let me help her study for a quiz which this morning she said she was going to fail. It makes me sad that she wouldn't at least let me try to help her even after all of this time of showing her that I really AM here to help!

Tonight we are going to a baseball game. It is supposed to be in the 90s during the day, so hopefully it cools down by tonight! I really don't want to turn on my air this early, but I may have no choice!

Well, I suppose I should shower and get the little one up for day care. She has been waking up in the night coughing and then freaks out that she's going to throw up. I've been waking up multiple times a night which is not "normal" for me and has been making for some long days.

I guess the "countdown" is on and I'm hoping to fill these days with as many memories and fun experiences as I can...I can sleep after they go home, right?! ;)

11 Months

Eleven months ago, the girls spent their first night here in my home. When they came, I knew it was "temporary", but eleven months later, "temporary" just doesn't seem like the right word. Right now, no one can tell me what "going home" is going to look like or when that will happen. While I'm not feeling as "on the edge" as I did a couple of weeks ago, maybe I should be...? I talk to the agency worker quite often, but the service coordinator hasn't talked to her in about six weeks and has barely talked to me this past month. The agency worker things she doesn't want to talk to her because she has a different "agenda" and doesn't want an argument. So, the agency worker says we could just be blindsided one day with a "plan" when there has been so VERY little "planning" to this point. I really don't know who or what to believe, or how to plan or what to expect.

I was pleasantly surprised that they came back "nice" from their weekend visit. The little one wasn't overly exhausted and the teen was in a good mood and pretty "chatty". She let me read her theology portfolio (it included personal reflections, school goals, life goals, scripture reflections, paragraphs about her best work, etc.) My mom brought it to work on Sunday to bind it, so it looked really good and she put a lot of thought and effort into it. I don't think she can see how far she has come and what a different kid she is, but I definitely can. Back in the fall, she spent over 20 hours writing her first outline and first research paper. She has since written a couple more research papers and her grades are now reflecting her effort which (obviously) helps with her confidence. I "bribed" her into showing the agency worker her portfolio (she definitely seemed to enjoy that ;) ) but she willingly brought it to her therapy appointment. She is a little stressed out with the end of the year tests/quizzes/projects, but seems to be holding herself together well. This is a big reason why I want her to stay living here at LEAST until the end of the school year. She doesn't need the extra stress of figuring out how exactly she will GET to and from school on top of everything else. She has perfect attendance and is very proud of that :)

The little one is doing well at day care. She talks about her friends, sings silly songs, and brings home her "work". I have bought her so many spring/summer clothes, but she will only wear dresses because that's what her friend wears. I may need to not wash her dresses so she wears some of the skirts! ;) I'm glad she enjoys that.

It's been an unforgettable eleven months, that's for sure! These girls have forever changed me and I know that their lives will never be the same either. I need to upload some more recent pictures, but here is one (from my phone) that was taken at the end of June last year when we went on one of our first "outings" together. We went Downtown to feed the ducks and ride the ferry. Hopefully we will be able to do that at least one more time before they go home (I have a bag full of old bread that needs to go!)

These have been special times, that's for sure. Eleven months is a long time, but when it's time for them to leave, I'm sure it won't seem like long enough. There's no telling when that will be, though, so for the time being, we will keep having fun and making memories :)

Good night.

Belonging

I'm having an emotional night, so this may or may not be a rational post, but I need to "let it all out" before I head to bed.

Last night, I dropped the girls off at their mom's new place for the weekend. The service coordinator "volunteered" me to do that in the same week she told me she was going to make the mom responsible for transportation. Their mom made me feel like an idiot when I called on the way to get the correct address since the service coordinator gave me an incorrect one. Lady, I know your place isn't hard to find, but I don't know that it's "near the library and the homeless shelter" when I don't have the correct address. Anyway, it was irritating, but the little one was kind of tired/crabby and my hope is that the teen made her mom deal with that. Their mom called me at 9:00 last night to tell me the little one had head lice. I highly doubt that since she hadn't been at day care since early Wednesday and where else would she have gotten them? My guess is sand, but I was dumbfounded by her call wondering what she wanted me to do about it anyway?! I washed her sheets to be on the safe side, but I'm kind of giggling that she'll be disinfecting her place ;)

Today I went to work for the first time since last Friday. Last Friday was a terrible day at work both work-wise and emotionally home-wise. I enjoyed my "break", even though it was not a relaxing week. The morale on my unit is not very good and I feel myself slipping out of my typically positive attitude. However, I went to bed before 10:00 last night, so felt I was ready to "take on whatever comes"...

Well, good thing I DID get that extra sleep because I needed it! I took care of a patient whose dad was incredibly draining. He was super passive-aggressive and it was exhausting every time I had to go into their room. There was no pleasing him and no way he was going to have a good day no matter how hard I tried to make conversation and do an excellent (if I do say so myself) job of taking care of his child's needs. No wonder I am super tired! Tomorrow I get to go back and take care of that child as well as another one whose parents can be "draining" as well, but at least they seem to like me ;)

The rest of the day is what led to me titling this post "belonging". My unit is split into two sides. Today, there were three nurses and the charge nurse on my side (well, the charge nurse spent most of the day on "my side"). All day long, the other three seemed to be having private conversations. Well, private conversations between a couple of them or all of them, inside jokes, stories, whatever. While I was busy doing my work, it definitely seemed like they were not conversations that were to include me. To be honest, I spent most of the day ignoring it and just doing what I was there to do. However, it did get old after a while and by the time I was in my car on the way home, there were tears in my eyes. Yes, I'm also tired, hormonal, and a "crier", but I still had tears.

And, now the tears are dripping down my face...yep, I need to go to bed soon! But, seriously, my tears are mostly because I love having this place where I can journal my thoughts and feelings. I love having a place where I "belong". Blogging is something NO ONE in my "real life" understands. I love that the people here "get" me. I don't have to try to be someone I'm not and I feel loved and respected for who I am, no matter if I'm venting about something silly or crying about my "blog/twitter" friends. I actually don't know what people at work think about me. I guess I don't want to necessarily be involved in the gossip or be the one that people gossip about, but sometimes it feels pretty lonely. I eat lunch by myself most days. Lots of the time I enjoy that because it's the only quiet time I get...and sometimes it's better than eating with everyone else and feeling completely out-of-place/alone.

Wow, now I'm sobbing...it's like all those junior high/high school/college times of trying to find my place in this world have all come flooding back! I guess that's why the last time I updated my blog layout, I wrote "My Beautiful Journey" because my therapist helped me see that my path is like no one else's, but it is mine...and it is beautiful.

If you are reading this, thank you. This "community" (even those who read and I have no clue who you are ;) ) has helped me so much. However, it's hard that those people who make me feel like I "belong" are so far away...and yet so near ;)

And now, I must go to sleep so I can face whatever comes tomorrow ;)

Good night.

Needing a Pick-Me-Up

I was going to title this "Feeling Weary", but I think "Needing a Pick-Me-Up" is a little less dramatic...maybe?!

I've been off all week long. By the time I go back to work on Saturday, I will have been off seven days in a row. You would think I would be rested, but it's been a long week. Lots of fun things, but still long. I was hoping this week would be the "pick-me-up" that I needed after the (di)stress of last week/weekend.

I suppose in some ways, it has been...if I want to be my "glass half-full" self ;)

On Monday I was "on-call" for work, so I couldn't really go anywhere. I did bring the little one to day care, so was here with the teen all day. She remained "mute" until 2:00 when she snapped out of it and was back to her usual self. It is really sad to see how much one visit with her mom changed her. The poor girl is struggling, but she can't (or won't) verbalize what's going on inside. I guess that's a teenager for you, but it would be very helpful to know how to help her. Once she started talking to me, we discussed going to a movie. I asked if she wanted to go "just us" or with the little one too. With a huge grin on her face, she said "both". Of course, O Spoiled One ;) So, once I became "off call", I picked up the little one, we ate dinner, then went to see the movie "Hop". It was cute and the teen and I cracked up at the "adult humor" which was fun.

Tuesday, I brought the little one to day care and the teen and I went to a noon showing of "Soul Surfer". We were the only two people in the entire theater. So, I left one chair between us, but part-way through was wishing I was right next to her so I could "show some love" through my tears. I think it was a special movie for the two of us to see. I left her at home for the afternoon/early evening while I went to a work meeting, picked up the little one, and went to see my counselor. After the little one was in bed, we watched "Glee" and she grumbled about spring break being over and having to go back to school.

Yesterday, I brought my car to the dealer since the "check engine" light came on...$860 to fix...yikes! I brought home a loaner car for the night which was good since I got a call from the day care at 11:45 that the little one had a temp of 99.4 and diarrhea. That shouldn't have been enough to "exclude" her since she WAS continent and that wasn't a "fever", but she had had some diarrhea at home the night before, so I went to get her. The super annoying thing is that she has to see the doctor before she can go back. I told the owner that the doctor would laugh at bringing a kid with a low grade temp and a couple of "loose stools" in to be seen. She was not impressed with my comment and that's the rule...good thing I don't have to pay a co-pay or I'd be really ticked! So, there went my afternoon because now the little one was here...and today too...tomorrow morning I "get" to bring her to the doctor. Lovely. The caseworker came and the service coordinator still won't respond to any of her phone calls or emails. It has been at least six weeks since the service coordinator talked to her. REALLY annoying. I was irritated because when I called the service coordinator to tell her she left me in a really bad place on Sunday, she never once apologized.

Today, since the little one couldn't go to day care, we met my friend and her daughter at the park for a picnic. The two of them play together really well. My friend was a family support worker for a long time and adopted both of her kids through the foster care system (and the same agency). She has been a great support to me. I got an email from the service coordinator telling me that the girls' mom's new place has been approved for overnights. However, she still "only" wants them every other weekend...that's a load of crap in my opinion since the plan is to return them home permanently mid-May/early-June. I mean, what kind of "shared custody" agreement is this?! She gets them every other weekend and I have them full-time. I mean, I love having them, but seriously?! That's how it works?! Also in that email, she said that she read in one of my emails that I offered to transport them to their visit tomorrow. I said nothing of the sort and responded not very kindly to her email. I feel badly about that, but she has told me time and again that I do not have to be responsible for transportation and/or communicating visits with their mom (unless I want to). That is the second time this week she has "let" that happen, or encouraged it... I'm not very happy and I don't get "angry" very often.

So, apparently, the little one is not coming with me to the foster family appreciation party tomorrow. But, since she may not have a visit next weekend, she may get to come with me to the last play of the season at the children's theater (we have gone to six or seven plays/musicals there!) I DID say that I'd be willing to pick her up for the play if she was on a visit, but most definitely didn't offer my services tomorrow. She lives "a lot" further away now and gas is a ton more expensive than it used to be!

There's my rant...I feel better already ;) I did make a really nice photo Mother's Day card for their mom on $hutterfly yesterday which was actually kind of therapeutic for some reason. She was scheduled to meet with the administrators at the teen's school this afternoon to discuss the financial and time commitments of sending your daughter to a private school. If that happened and she is dedicated to allowing her to continue attending that school, then I will feel a great deal better about their transition home.

I am linking to this song because I like it :)



Well, I should probably put laundry away before I have to pick up the teen from school. So much for my "catch up day", but at least I got a blog post written ;)

On The Edge

Ever since the text message from Wednesday, I feel like I have been living on the edge. My heart races every time the phone rings. My anxiety goes through the roof every time my cell phone vibrates with a message. Tears fill my eyes without notice. My stomach churns.

I wait.

I wonder.

I prepare.

What will I say if the phone rings? What will I respond if I get a text message? What do I tell the little one? What will I say to the teen?

What if there is no visit on Easter? What if there is?

I'm living on the edge, and it's really not fun.

I did get a "random" call at 8AM wondering about "her visit". My response was "oh, there is a visit today?" (since, you know, it's been over 2 weeks since I heard from the service coordinator). She said "well, it's Easter" (no sh** Sherlock...where have you been for the past 2+ weeks?!) She really wanted me to take them to her "that would be really nice"...um, absolutely not. We are leaving for church at 10:30, so you can get them before that otherwise we are going to my aunt's and my grandma's. Of course, she texted me at 11:00 that she was picking them up at noon. I didn't get the message until 12:15 when we got out of church. I maybe should have NOT checked my messages and noticed once we got to my aunt's house ("really" far away) and been able to respond that we were gone for the day. I was only 5 minutes from home and there wasn't much structure to my family's plan today, so I told her she could get them. First, she said she'd come in half an hour and I was like "come as soon as you can so I'm not late to my family lunch!" Their cousin or someone picked them up at 12:30 and they were supposed to be dropped off half an hour ago.

And so, I sit, and I wait, and I wonder if/when I will get a message, or a phone call, that she can't get them back to my house.

I left messages for the service coordinator and the caseworker. This is not fair and they need to talk to each other...and to me.

Enjoying the Time

Yesterday I was SO crabby, so I went to bed at 10. I still think I need a nap today to rid myself of the crabbiness ;) The text message from Wednesday has me completely stressed out that some "random" text message (or phone call) is going to come and change my world as I know it. Yesterday, the day care was closed (I didn't know that when I scheduled myself to work...she wasn't even IN day care at that time!) and the teen is on Spring Break. So, I tried to get the day off since my mom and sister were busy and I didn't want the teen having to watch her for 13 hours. Plus, I had no clue if someone was just going to come get the girls randomly while I was at work and that thought made me ill. I know I should have just called in sick, but since I wasn't "sick", I always think that it's going to MAKE me sick if I do that! We had an "extra" nurse scheduled...or so I thought. I got a call at 5:00 AM telling me I could be "on call" which would have at least given me some extra sleep that was really needed. Then, I got a call at 6:00 AM telling me I had to come in (and be there by 7). Needless to say, I was super crabby when I got there and it was a super busy and not at all fun day...and probably wouldn't have been a great day even if I had been there with a positive attitude (which I was not).

All day long, I was stressed out that one of the times I checked my phone (we aren't supposed to have them with us), there would be a message from someone. But, my anxiety was for nothing because I heard from nobody--not their mom, not the service coordinator, and not the caseworker (even though I left her three messages). When I got home, I asked the teen if she had talked to her mom and she said she had thought about calling her, but I don't think she actually did ("red flag" or "teenager"?!) My parents did pick them up for dinner and both my mom and I checked in on them periodically, so I did feel a little bit better about leaving them alone for 13 hours!

When I got home, they were playing outside in the backyard, which I thought was really nice. After I played for a little while, we came inside to color Easter eggs. The teen didn't want to help us, but the little one and I had a fun time (even though we did it "super fast"). It was a kind of stressful bed time, since she kept asking what we were going to do "after this nap". I guess I could honestly tell her I didn't know, but the not knowing is really not enjoyable.

Once it hit 8:15 AM, I decided that their mom wasn't going to call to come get them today (or ask me to bring them)...or, if she did, then that was too late of notice for us and it wouldn't work with "our plans". So, I woke up the little one by telling her we were going to see her friends and go on an Easter egg hunt. She woke right up in a pleasant mood and we were off by 9:20 :) I left a note for the teen letting her know where we were and we left for the morning/early afternoon. She didn't want anything to do with the finding eggs (or picking the eggs up off the ground as the case was for the "hunt"), but did have fun getting her face painted (she wanted a "heart" and a "shirt" on her cheeks...ha!), playing carnival games, and jumping in the bouncy castle/house. We had BK for lunch (I have had entirely TOO many French fries the past two weeks...yikes!) and got home by 2:00 for her nap. I've only briefly seen the teen since I've been home, so am not sure if her mom called while we were gone (or if she called her). Again, I have no idea what the plans are for them tomorrow. In my opinion, it's kind of late notice to "plan" anything, but if she comes to get them before we leave for 11:00 church and can get them back here "at some point", than that is fine. However, I am not bringing them anywhere besides church and my family gathering(s).

I "strongly dislike" having no idea what is going on and feeling like I have no control. However, I know I need to focus on the time we have and was encouraged by the conversations I had with the GAL this week. Nothing "permanent" can happen without a court order and that date is currently set for May 31. So, I need to enjoy this and let go of the anxiety as much as possible. I think it's time for a nap :)

I love how close the scissors are ;)

She LOVED this :)

I did let her wear brown shoes with her black tights ;)

Spring Break

The teen is on spring break until next Wednesday. On Sunday, she, the little one, and I drove 60 miles down the road to see a college baseball game the teen wanted to attend (she's been planning this since college baseball season ended!) Unfortunately, her friend flaked out on her last minute...actually, not sure if not showing up at pick up or answering your phone is "flaking", but in any case it was too late to find anyone else. So, it was just the three of us, which was fine. I wish I could show pictures, but all of them give away where I live, so you'll just have to imagine how much fun we had when I say the teen took over 50 pictures (thank goodness for digital!)

Monday, I worked, but came home to a dusted/vacuumed/glass table cleaned/kitchen floor washed house. It looked great and she was proud of herself :)

Yesterday, the teen cleaned her room while I was at an appointment. After that, we went to lunch and got coffee before she had to get a shot and see her therapist. Then, we went shopping so she could help me pick out an Easter dress for the little one and she got a pair of shorts. We hadn't heard any word from her mom since before she left on April 7 (yes, nearly 2 weeks), so neither of us knew what the plans were for Easter. She tried on a dress that didn't end up fitting, but before she did, she asked if my dress had flowers too...since the little one's does and so did that one. So sweet. :) The little one's teacher said that she decided to count how many times the little one says "I love Amanda" in a day...yesterday, that number was 23 :)

Today, I was at work while the teen was again working away at my house and the little one was at day care. I left a voice mail for the caseworker (not the service coordinator) to see if she had heard anything about visits, etc. but never heard back. Tomorrow would be two weeks their mom has been gone and I was wondering how much longer it was going to be, but afraid to ask since when she left, I was told they would go home when she got back. The teen hasn't seen her mom all month and the little one had one overnight visit. It makes me really sad.

Surprise! I get a "random" text message from their mom around 5:30 PM saying that she moved and they are doing a "walk through" on Friday (meaning?!). Since I was in shock (because, hello, how long has she been back in town and not contacted her kids?!), I only responded with an "ok" (that's all she deserves anyway in my opinion after that long of not communicating with anyone!) She then asked for the teen to call her. I said I was at work, but she was at home. I said I'd tell her when I got home (but also left it open that SHE could pick up the phone and call her daughter seeing as she's had the number for eight months).

I called the caseworker to let her know and she is going to talk to the service coordinator tomorrow. The coordinator hasn't communicated with either of us about anything the past two weeks. I called the teen on the way home to let her know her mom wanted her to call. She hadn't called by the time I got home and waited until after the little one had her bath and I reminded her to call. She came to the kitchen and said her mom would talk to the little one another day since she didn't want to upset her close to bed time...what the H*** Seriously?! I'm too ticked for words, really, that is just unacceptable in my opinion...maybe she is upset that the little one WOULDN'T be that upset?! Ugh, so annoying!

I did talk to their GAL this evening in response to an email I sent him outlining my concerns. He had some questions and wanted some more information, but of course the little one decided to have a meltdown, so it was hard to talk (plus, I didn't really want the teen overhearing our conversation and getting the wrong idea...or the right one ;) ) Hopefully I can talk to him again before they just end up back home. They have been away from home for so long that I think they NEED to have a transition. As much as they love their mom and she loves them, things are a lot different than they were 16 months ago for them. Both of them have grown so much and they all need time to adjust to that.

I guess this is another step on the journey...and they aren't gone yet, so we will make the most of it. Tomorrow, I'm taking the teen on a college visit that she arranged. Yes, she's a sophomore, but she said she "wasn't going to be one of those people who wait until they are a senior"...alrighty then! I tried asking her yesterday how she was going to "explain" me, but she blew off my question. Of course, at that point, neither of us knew when (or if!) her mom was coming back, so it was kind of natural for "us" to do this.

I have no idea what is going to happen, but it's definitely sounding like they may actually be with their family this weekend, which also means I will have more time to visit with mine (without a "bored" teen and a "clingy" little one). However, I won't hold my breath because I'm not quite sure I'm really to jump on board with providing transportation after basically being left in the dark about any sort of Easter/Spring Break plans even after multiple attempts for answers.

Busy day ahead, but that's what's been going on here.
Good night.

Growth

Today was a "meeting day" for me...good thing I like to talk ;)

After dropping the teen off at school and the little one at day care (and a trip to the teen's school to bring her business homework-she called in "a favor" ;) ), I called the caseworker to catch her up on everything that happened while she was out of the office. Her suggestion to me about the "Caregiver Information Form" was to gather my information and send it to the GAL. It has been her experience that the information doesn't often make it to the judge (so, pretty much the only people who would see it are the mom's lawyer and maybe her??) Of course, the GAL has seen the girls only 2 or 3 times in the 16 months they have been in care, but it is worth a shot I guess.

Not too long after that, I went and met with my counselor. Of course, she asked the question about what I am going to do when the girls go home. I let her know that I'm really not sure, but that there are so many people who have walked this journey with me, so I will not be alone whenever it happens. It's really hard to plan when the "soon" keeps changing and no one knows what the "transition" will look like. She wondered if I "throw tantrums" in my quiet time thinking that the girls are "mine" and should stay with me. To be honest, the answer to that is a definite no. Would I be committed to caring for them long-term should their mom (or the courts) make the decision that that is best? For sure. As heartbreaking as it is to think about them leaving, I'm also aware that being with me forever may NOT be best and I am trusting in God's plan for all of this.

Whenever that day comes, there will be tears. I'm sure there will be lots of them. However, not all of them will be sad ones. I will cry happy tears for all the special moments we have shared. I will cry because I know I have made a difference in their lives, and them in mine. There will be tears because this time has brought more blessings than I ever could have imagined.

That day is not today. Today, the teen babbled like a crazy lady during the caseworker's visit this afternoon (I met with the "fertility care specialist" who is helping me with my PCOD in between there). There were times when she would barely look at the caseworker when she came to see us. That is growth (or the mocha ;) ) The little one seems to enjoy going to "school" and has obviously grown so much in these 10 months in her personality (and a little bit in size...she's still pretty tiny!)

August 2010-April 2011

I've grown too. This experience has changed me for the better. It has brought me closer to my family. I have new friends and have gotten amazing support from my "old" friends. I have gained confidence, I communicate better, I am more flexible, I am proud of myself.

It's not "over" until it's "over" and even then maybe it won't be...until then, we'll keep on growing.

How Will I?

The question everyone wants to know is how will I "cope" after the girls go back home. The answer has typically been that I don't know. After a conversation I had with the service coordinator on Thursday, it seems like the "soon" that has been for the past ten months may actually be here before I know it...and definitely before I am ready for it. I go between having a pit in my stomach to crying to remembering all the good times and knowing how much better our lives are because of this time...and a variety of emotions/feelings in between. My caseworker was on vacation last week, so today was a catch up day for her and she didn't have a chance to call me. Hopefully I'll be able to touch base with her in the morning before she comes to see the girls in the afternoon. I have an opportunity to write something to the judge, but I need advice on if it is worth it. If what I have to say isn't going to change anything and could actually make things worse, than it is probably best for me to keep it to myself. Maybe I'll end up having to write out what I WOULD say just to let it all out... 

Their mom was a "no show" at her tuition conference on Friday, so it is looking less and less likely that the teen will be able to continue at her current school. I understand that can't necessarily be grounds to keep her from going home, but it definitely is something that is important to the teen and her mom has told her multiple times that she would make it happen...I haven't seen any effort from her yet. It makes me cry because she is thriving in that environment and this quarter she has been getting even better grades (poor kid just came out of her room to tell me that her entire English essay just got lost since she wasn't saving it as she went...she wasn't cursing or crying and I know I would have been doing at LEAST one of those things...ha!)

Last night, the little one wouldn't go to sleep (I did put her to bed early because she wasn't listening or following directions or "acting right"). After an hour of checking on her periodically, she finally responded "I want you" when I asked what was wrong. I picked her up and held her for a couple minutes and cried the whole time (me, not her). That was all she needed and it didn't take much longer for her to go to sleep. In addition to the problem with her listening ears, she has also been extra clingy and wanting to be held all the time. She also says "I love you" every time she does something she isn't supposed to do as well as random other times throughout the day. 

Yeah, I'm thinking one of the answers to the question of how will I cope after the girls go back home will be lots of tears. However, I am blessed to have a TON of support, so I'll be ok, and at least I know the girls will be "ok". Talking it out, hugs, tears, prayers, and memories like these ones will definitely help :) 

Good night.