Today, however, had other plans for me. I did make it to Curves this morning for the first time in over a month and was pleasantly surprised to learn that I haven't gained any weight (even with all the chips and salsa I ate these past few weeks!) For much of the workout, it was just me and the owner there. So, we got to have a nice visit (probably not a great workout, but at least I was there and not on the couch for 30 minutes!) Something she said made me think about this post I wrote while I was on vacation. We were kind of talking about how I was an "ENFJ", but that I also feel like I am a "quiet observer" in a many social situations*. I talked to her about that post and the book What Women Fear. I told her how I talked to that couple on the airplane and about meeting Tammy and Alece while I was on vacation. Her "observation" is that I am much more comfortable talking to people in situations where it is unlikely I will be judged for being who I am. I definitely agree with her on that (hence my "Internet friends"), but the second part was hard to hear, even though I believe there is truth in it (or that it IS truth)...and that is that my mom and her "judgement" has a role in my discomfort in other situations. (I am not 100% sure any of this paragraph makes sense, but it is getting late and I have more I need to "let out" before I go to bed...) Again, I think that makes sense because it seems like many of my therapy sessions end up going back to my mom. However, this morning conversation may have set off what became quite the emotional/crabby day.
(*I took the quiz today and ended up ISFJ which is a little odd, so maybe I was just "off" today--33% Introverted, 1% Sensing, 75% Feeling, 44% Judging--compared to the 11% Extroverted, 12% Intuitive, 88% Feeling, 22% Judging ENFJ I got the last time.)
I did manage to get myself off the couch to mow the lawn. I ended up doing quite a bit of thinking as I mowed. I became frustrated with myself as I thought about the jealousy and resentment that keeps creeping in as well as thoughts that maybe I am more self-centered than I think I am. That now makes me teary, especially after how much "venting" I was doing on twitter all afternoon. See, my mom works ALL the time, and pretty much every spare moment she has is spent with my sister and nephew. Now, they even plan and do things without even asking if I'm off or would want to try and rearrange my schedule to do things with them. Yes, I am somehow incredibly busy, and I likely would have opted out of going to the pumpkin patch, the children's museum, and shopping today (since my mom took today and tomorrow off work...who knew?!). But, it would have been nice to have the option, at least to feel welcome. I found out my mom was off today, but didn't know what all they had planned. So, when I realized that the dress I want to wear to a Halloween party tomorrow needed to be pinned, I called her cell phone. It went straight to voice mail. I called their house phone. It went straight to voice mail. I texted her and she responded quite a bit later than they were doing this and that and never really gave me an answer on if she'd be able to help. I needed her for like 10, maybe 15 minutes and it was as if I'd asked her to do something huge.
So, I was sad, and frustrated, and tweeted a lot. She did end up finding time in her busy schedule to pin my dress for me tonight and I managed not to cry (doing that now). I sent one of my aunts a frustrated text message. She told me that I need to schedule a time with just me and my mom which was good advice, but who knows when that will happen...
It seems silly now to be so upset by something so little, so I'm also wondering if I am still struggling with hormone stuff. I was diagnosed with PCOS earlier this year and have been taking progesterone shots for three months now (I was taking pills for 4 or 5 months before than). I was about ready to stop because I feel like I have more PMS now than before I started to try and treat it, but my doctor encouraged me to persevere...I guess I will as long as I don't have monthly episodes where I just randomly cry no matter where I am or how hard I try to stop the tears.
So, it was just one of those days that wasn't so great. I guess now is the time to look back at some posts that make me smile like this one and this one (I haven't watched that video in a long time...) and some posts that remind me of where I've been (that's an old one!), what I have accomplished, and that my journey, my gifts are special.
It's after midnight now, so it's a new day...and I'm already feeling better :)
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