One Day at a Time

We're still keeping busy here! My nephew turned three on Monday! They had his party on Sunday and we went to the zoo on Monday. The teen came with and she and I spent a little one-on-one time together before my mom, sister, and nephews got there.

Monday night, the teen and I went to a baseball game. One of her friends got to come with us. That was a little different experience, but I'm glad she has gotten to hang out with some of her peers during these weeks she has been here with me.

On Tuesday, I called my caseworker. The teen's mom had called and said she didn't yet have money to get back home, but she was anxious to get back. I'm sure a part of her is (you know, her "check" will be waiting for her), but I'm also sure she's enjoying only having two of her five dependent kids and LOTS of help. She has been nice and also grateful every time we have talked, so I don't have complaints. She was hoping to be back next week. I called the caseworker to let her know that with my work schedule and the unknowns with the teen, I probably can't take any new placements until September. She said she'd put my "on hold" unless there is something "perfect", but with being scheduled 4-5 days a week, that doesn't seem like a fair thing to do to a kid. I also told her about the teen living here for the past few weeks without any real plan. Her recommendation was to just take one day at a time...and now you know why I love her so much :)

There is no sense stressing out about where the teen is going to go to school or worrying about if the sh*t will hit the fan or there to be another "crisis". There is no reason to get all worked up about how things will change when her mom come back and what the rest of the summer will look like. Just take it one day at a time...enjoy our time together, sharing special moments, creating lasting memories...and know that even if it all ends tomorrow, I have made an impact on her life that can never be taken away (and likewise her on mine).

So, taking it one day at a time I am/we are. It's been busy and I haven't had much time to blog about stuff, but definitely will make sure I write if anything "big" goes down ;) Her mom called me today and said she'll be back on the 2nd or the 6th (depending on when her mom gets her "check"). She continues to thank me for all that I have done/do and sent me four pictures of the little one to my cell phone today, so I really can't complain about the way things are. Of course, I'm realistic and know that it's still mostly a fairy tale, but I'm enjoying the days as best I can.

Until the next time...

Keeping Busy

The teen is still "living" here and we are "living it up" (in our "fairy tale"). We have been to three baseball games together in the past week as well as hours watching baseball (and awful Lifetime movies) on television.

She still refuses to talk about "what happens next", but I'm trying VERY hard to be "okay" with that.

Her mom called me yesterday for the first time in like 10 days. Her "plan" was to be gone for two weeks which was three days ago. Last night she said she'd be gone "another week or so", but kindly told me that if I didn't want the teen to stay here, she could go stay with her aunt (but that the teen is really comfortable here with me and she likes that). She said she'd check in with me every other day with her plans (it sounded like she didn't have money to travel back home...seriously, who does that?!)

So, looks like another week of hanging out with the teen...and I'm loving (almost) every minute of it...it is going to be SO hard to say good-bye (whenever that day comes) but I'm choosing to make the most of the time we have and trust in God's plan for both of us.

I just worked my fourth shift of the week and hopefully the teen will text me soon to say she can be picked up from work. My nephew turns THREE on Monday and tomorrow is his party...I'm looking forward to that :)

Good night.

Living a Fairy Tale

Come Monday, the teen will have been here for four straight weeks (besides 3 "random" nights she went home). I LOVE having her here with me and we have been having a lot of fun. We've been to the Zoo, on a walk Downtown, to a baseball game (that went until 12:17 AM...now that's love since I had to be at work by 7 that morning), out to eat, watched movies and TV shows, sunbathed, shopped...

...but, eventually (Wednesday??), her mom is going to come home...and eventually, "someone" will have to figure out where she will be attending high school for her senior year...and determine the "living situation" for the rest of the summer with her work schedule.

She refuses to talk about "the future"...AT ALL.

To be honest, I have avoided it for the first couple of weeks because I like this "fairy tale life" as much as she does, but decided I better suck it up and try to talk about it with her (seeing my therapist this past Monday may have something to do with that...she's a little "worried" about me). I feel like I tried EVERYTHING this week to get her to talk about it. I told her that we can't avoid it (which she firmly said she wasn't doing and put up her wall). I shared with her that I haven't forgotten about the sh*t hitting the fan earlier this year and reminded her how awful that was for both of us. I let her know that I'd really rather not go through that again. I even used the "we're living in a fairy tale" line and still...nothing. All I got was that she "didn't need to talk about anything"...alrighty then.

So, she's going to keep on living in this fairy tale world where all is well and I'm taking good care of her (ahem...spoiled) while not addressing any of her concerns about changing schools and going back to living with her mom full-time. I suppose I'll continue to join her as much as I can while guarding my heart by the reality that the "happily ever after" probably isn't going to be the way I'd like it to be written (while also still not giving up hope)...yeah, it's tough, but I'm trying!

Her mom has texted me twice in the 10 days she has been gone...that's two more times than I was expecting, so I'm going to be okay with that (it's easier to live in the fairy tale without having to stress out about talking to her anyway...ha!) I believe she has been checking in with the teen most days though (as a mom should...I call her two or three times while I'm at work if she's here...ha!)

It's been nice to have someone here to help keep me busy and keep me company. I know it will be tough when she goes home...especially not knowing when she'll be back/what "the plan" is.

Right now my fairy tale life involves chips, salsa, baseball, blogging, and beer while I wait for her to get off work :)

Good night.

Talking It Out

From May 21-now (21 days), the teen has stayed here all but three nights. She is going to be here until at least June 20 (10 more days) since her mom went out of town for two weeks.

I LOVE having her here and LOVE spending time with her, but these three weeks have forced me to put things into perspective/really think about how I feel about it.

When I was on the train heading to the airport in Chicago, her mom called me. She was in a good mood that day and actually said she was proud of her daughter and thought she'd be going off to college next year. She also said she sees me "like a really good big sister" to her daughter. As much as I liked that she had positive things to say, for some reason, I had a hard time being referred to as "like a big sister"...I want to be her "mom"...and then I had to think about WHY it really mattered that much to me? Am I really not okay with "just" being the mentor/big sister/cheerleader and have a "need" to be her guardian and have that control?

Last Sunday was kind of a rough day. The teen was kind of in a "funk" and her mom had gotten mad at her about something and she didn't know why. She seemed frustrated, so I asked her what she thought about the way things are right now (the back and forth, not knowing if she could/would stay here or go home and if/when she would come back). She said this was "fine" (thank you teenager).

The thing is, I wasn't sure if I was (am) "fine" with this. The back and forth is definitely hard, especially when I see her hurting. However, if she doesn't want to "do" anything to change her situation (eg. have me petition for temporary guardianship), then I can't/shouldn't make her. My mom asked (last Sunday) me how long I was going to be "responsible" for her. It was an innocent question and did come on a day that I said no to a placement in (small) part due to not knowing what is going on with the teen this summer (and beyond). So, I didn't really have a response. Her mom has "the best of both worlds" right now because she can let me deal with her kid in the day-to-day, but still have control over everything (control without any of the responsibility...exactly how she likes to roll...) The teen also has "the best of both worlds" because she is in a safe, loving, supportive home and she mostly just has to deal with her mom when she feels like it/from afar.

So, they both have "the best of both worlds" because of who I am/what I do, but where does that leave me? Is this my "best of both worlds" or "exactly how I want it to be" or "not at all good for me"? Am I okay with knowing that it likely isn't going to be any different than "this" and not take on the teen's hurts when she realizes that she really is going to have to change schools and go back to living with her mom full-time? Am I okay being the "safe place" where she can "escape", the "good Godparent", the "mentor", the "big sister", the "cheerleader"...and, if so, then how does that affect the rest of my "future" the next year until she graduates from high school? Am I going to be "on hold" to ensure I'm available in case her world as she knows it comes crashing down like it seemed to earlier this year and all she wanted was me? I love her so much and want to be there for her forever and always, but I don't want to be resentful of that and miss out on other opportunities to make a difference.

None of this needs to be decided now, and there is a lot here, but I've been put in a sticky situation that has stretched my thinking a LOT and reassess my motives/perspective/attitude. I don't have it all figured out (no where close!), but am trying not to stress out about things that are out of my control.

The teen likes her job which makes me really happy. She is working as a lifeguard at an indoor water park. She got her first pay check and I think she will enjoy having her own money (right now I am the "adult" on her bank account...shh...her mom was not to be trusted for that role!) Unfortunately, her shift ends after the buses stop running, so I have to pick her up from work at 9:30/10:30, but it's really close to where I live and she takes the bus there when I'm working too (otherwise I bring her). She and I have been having a lot of fun the past three weeks (baseball games, the zoo, out to eat, TV shows at home) and I definitely enjoy her company. Her mom left on Wednesday to visit family and will be gone for two weeks. I wouldn't be surprised if she stays gone longer, but I was shocked that she has already texted me twice to check in because I totally thought it would be "out of sight, out of mind" and I wouldn't hear from her at all. I'm not sure what will happen with the teen's "living situation" when her mom returns, but I'm enjoying her while I have her :)

I get to see my therapist on Tuesday and I haven't seen her since before the teen's three week "stint" at my house started, so we'll have lots to talk about...I'm glad I have gotten to do a little "talking it out" in advance too.

Until the next time...I've been keeping busy!
Good night.

Two Years

Today marks TWO YEARS since the first night "the girls", "M & L", "the teen and the toddler/little one" stayed at my house. When they came, it was after being in a foster home for six months. So, I didn't have to deal with the "first night shell shock" that I'm expecting could happen with a new placement. I was told it would be a short placement (or maybe I just "assumed" it would be?)...but, as the story goes, it turned into 16 months filled with craziness and they went home just over 8 months ago.

The little one was a tiny not quite 3-year-old when they first came to live here. She turned three AND four here and will be turning five this summer. We spent a lot of time together the first 11 months because my sister watched her while I worked and I had her on my days off. She was always well-behaved and I was SO lucky to be able to take her anywhere I needed to go (even to meetings at work and with me to work out at Curves!) She's still really fun, although it does sadden me a bit that she hasn't matured at all in the 8 months she has been at home...I'm hoping she'll be going to some sort of pre-school program this fall to help with that.

The teen was 15 1/2 years old and about to be a Sophomore in high school. Now she is about to be a SENIOR and taking her ACT this Saturday. She was mostly quiet except when she was singing. She has come SO far in her confidence and self-esteem (even though her "old self" does come out more than I'd like to see :( ). She worked really hard to catch up to her peers in school, trying to fill in the gaps from a "messy" childhood (that she still refuses to discuss/admit). Now, she and I "hang out" all the time. We both love going to baseball games. We love watching SVU and Pretty Little Liars (and whatever other random shows we can find). We listen to the same music (she listens to other stuff too, but will listen to my iPod lots too). We both love her/my high school.

These girls are so amazing...and I am so blessed to have had them placed into my life two years ago. "They" told me that I'd know when I was ready/when the placement was right...and they were SO right!

I have a lot of other things on my mind/in my heart at this point 8 months after reunification with the ongoing "drama", but for now, I will leave it at this. I am blessed...and now it's time to pick up the teen from work :)

Good night.

Not a Planned Break...

I did take a week vacation from work and went to Chicago for three days, but didn't plan on taking a blogging break. However, things have been crazy/busy and I haven't had time to write. I really need to find time, though, since there's a lot going on in my head/heart that needs to be let out!

Last night (at 1:45 AM), I got a phone call for a 4-year-old boy and a 4-month-old girl. All I was able to say was I'm sorry, but I go back to work tomorrow after being off for a week, so it won't work...and told her to keep trying me...and good luck. I woke up wondering why I said no, and felt kind of guilty, but not totally guilty. It will happen when it's supposed to happen...the timing will be right...and I won't hesitate about saying "yes"...(exactly two years ago today is when I got "the call" about the girls...)

More to come...when I can...but back to work tomorrow.

Boundaries

Both girls stayed Monday night and Tuesday night neither of them was thrilled about going home. However, they had no choice since I worked Wednesday. On Wednesday when I worked, one of the hospital social workers gave me a “talking to” about boundaries. I was talking about how the girls’ mom had called me on Sunday night to take the little one and I said I couldn’t since I worked. She asked me “do you ever say no?!” I couldn’t really answer a strong “yes”, but I do think I have valid reasons for letting her “call the shots”. I do not want it to come out that I have been trying for months to get her girls from her. In fact, there have only been a couple of occasions that I asked to take them places. I don’t think I have specifically asked if the teen could stay the night. Those nights have either been the teen’s choice or the mom suggesting it.

I know that I need to protect myself from manipulation, but I also need to protect myself legally.

I realize that their mom wants me around when it is convenient for her. I also know that my relationship with her daughters is threatening, so she is willing to use me both as privilege and punishment. I only believe about half of what she tells me and understand that she could turn on me without notice.

Their mom texted me shortly before 7:00 AM on Thursday. She was concerned about the teen going to work on the bus in a thunderstorm. I was off, so could have easily gone to pick her up and bring her to work, but was enjoying my sleep.  So, I texted her back that maybe she’d have to use an umbrella and to let her problem solve. She texted back an “ok” and an “lol” and the weather was actually okay by the time she went to work. (Full disclosure: If the teen had texted me for a ride, I likely would have done it.)

I picked up the little one from her great-grandma’s house around 2:00 on Thursday afternoon so she could come with us to a baseball game. Their mom was her sweet self and showed me around the house. The little one was anxious to get to my house. We watched a movie (I needed a nap…ha!) and had dinner together. We picked up the teen from work (along with a friend) on our way to the game.

It’s kind of sad for me to be around the little one because she has not progressed at all since they went home. She’ll be five the end of August and can’t even say how to spell her name (it’s only 4 letters), can’t recognize letters (or numbers), and still is kind of difficult to understand at times. She REALLY needs pre-school, so hopefully someone will intervene there because I’ve said all I feel I can say about it.

The game was fun, but on the way back to my house, the little one said she missed her mom and wanted to go home. The teen thought she’d forget by the time we got back to my house since the plan was for both of them to spend the night. I asked her again when we got there and she maintained that she wanted to go home. So, I called her mom to see if she was at home. She was, so I told her I was bringing the little one back since she decided she didn’t want to stay. When we got to her house, she was obviously irritated that the little one was back home. She said her house was a mess and she had a lot to do. I told her that she didn’t want to stay and I wasn’t going to force her. She said “well, you should have made her stay.” Excuse me?! I’m sorry having an almost-5-year-old around cramps your style (believe me, I was wondering how I was going to get things done with her there too!), but she’s YOUR kid! Plus, what kind of words would she have had with me if she knew the little one wanted to come home and I wouldn’t let her?!

I haven’t heard from her since, even though I did send her a text yesterday to see what size shoes the little one wears.

The teen decided to stay Thursday night anyway. I took her to and from work yesterday…and then she decided she wanted to stay last night too. I worked today and she “vegged out” (she did run my dishwasher, so I suppose I can’t really complain…plus, it’s her first weekend of summer vacation and I guess she deserves a break!)

I’m going on vacation tomorrow for a couple of days and she wants to stay at my house while I’m gone as my “house sitter”. I asked her a couple of times if she’d rather stay at my house alone than go home and she said yes. I guess I don’t blame her, but I wonder what, if anything, this means for the “future”. (Meaning, I think the only way she will get the stability she so desires is for me to petition for legal guardianship, which I will NOT do without her 100% on board.) She still needs to ask her mom about staying here and I told her she needs to communicate with me either way, especially if things change part-way through.

I am looking forward to getting away for a couple of days…and think I’ll feel even better if she was at my house where I know she feels safety, security, and love (even if I’m not there…ha!)

So, I understand people being concerned about “boundaries”, but I’m doing the best I can and trying hard to “regroup” as often as necessary to make sure I take care of myself in all of this too. I know their mom is manipulative and try to begin every conversation with her with reminding myself not to let her suck me into her “game”.

I brought the teen to take her final test for work after I got off work even though I haven’t packed. I’m sort of wishing I would have had her take the bus there and picked her up when I got off, but now I had time to write this post while I waited for her rather than not having time to write a post at all ;)

(and, it took nearly 2 hours from leaving my house to getting home...kind of irritating, but nothing can be done now...time to eat and then pack!)

Good night.

Wordless Wednesday

5 Years of Blogging

Today is my Five Year Blogoversary! Wow. SO much has happened these past five years! I had no idea when I first started this blog (lovely first post here...it makes me laugh because I'm not sure ANY of my posts in the five years since then have been that short!) what I would write about, who would read it, or for how long I would keep it going.

The first three years were mostly posts about work. In case I haven't written about it recently, I'm a pediatric nurse. Those first three years had a number of rough spells and that first year brought the first anniversaries of the deaths of some of my favorite patients. I wrote about the struggles of little girls named "E" and "A" who have come close to death more times than anyone could imagine but, by the grace of God are still on this Earth touching the lives and hearts of everyone they "meet". I wrote about a patient who is now 4 1/2 but was "the baby" for months on here as he struggled. I was "for sure" that God brought his mom into my life so I could be there with her when she had to say good-bye.

I still write about work sometimes, but nearly two years ago, I was given a new role as a foster parent and so I wrote a lot about that journey. "The teen" (M) was 15 1/2 and a much different girl than she is now. "The little one" (L) was nearly 3 and now she's about to be 5. They lived with me for 16 months and the nearly 8 months since then have been posts about the ups and downs of post-reunification.

I've been the "one date wonder", "dated" someone for about 6 months, and "talked it out" here as I struggled with being okay with who I am despite others thinking they know what's best for me.

I've met some amazing people during these five years of blogging...some of them even "in real life" and are now my "real life friends".

I gained a brother-in-law, two nephews, and some "cousins-in-law". I also lost my grandpa. I have learned that even though my family drives me crazy sometimes (and I enjoy having a "safe" place to vent...sometimes I have thought about removing some of those posts, but I like having it documented so I remember how I got through things), they love me and I am so blessed to have them.

I have taken vacations to California, Nashville, Chicago, and Pittsburgh.

This may still be a pretty quiet place, but I am definitely okay with that! I come here and write for me (because I have way too many paper "journals" that I already don't know what to do with and can't imagine having 5 more years of them!) I learn from myself when I take the time to read old posts. I love seeing how far I've come and reminding myself about things I did/the way things used to be. I am so very blessed and it's nice to have those blessings and reasons to give thanks right here on my computer...especially on days that aren't very fun.

So, a very Happy Fifth Blogoversary to me...I'd do a giveaway, but wouldn't know what to give away and that isn't really what this blog is all about, so sorry ;) My favorite candies are Bottle Caps and Hot Tamales in case YOU want to send me a gift...ha!

Here's to (at least) five more years of writing here and continuing to wonder if I have anything to say...

She's Employed

After much pestering by me, the teen applied for a job on Tuesday. She got a call yesterday for an interview today. So, I picked her up from school and brought her to her interview. She starts on Tuesday! Talk about a quick turn around (and super lucky!) At least two of her friends work there as well and it sounds like a good job for her. She's going to be a life guard (I know, I didn't picture her doing that either) at a hotel that has an indoor water park. So, maybe she'll have to be a little more active and she'll have to interact socially with other people. It sounds like she'll be working afternoons/evenings, so she can do baby-sitting or something else during the day if she wants. I'm really excited for her!

She asked about the deal with direct deposit since that was one of the forms. I told her that she may have to have an adult on a bank account with her since she's 17. Without actually saying it, I alluded to the fact that I wouldn't necessarily trust her mom with her bank account (she said it and I quietly agreed). I said maybe we could go to the bank and ask if she could get her own account since she's so close to 18 (it looked like that MAY be an option at my bank, but I couldn't tell for sure online).

I feel so blessed to be able to share this special "first job" occasion with her. We "celebrated" with one of our favorite meals and watching my DVR of SVU from last night :)

After the educational surrogacy/power of attorney/guardianship discussion from Tuesday, I decided to call someone from church who is a Judge (and a lawyer). He didn't think surrogacy or power of attorney would really help since it is really easy for her to change her mind (he actually didn't say much about the surrogacy deal even being a valid option). His recommendation was for me to file a petition in county court for temporary guardianship. He thought that the teen would be able to have a lot of say in court given her age. Since she is asking for stability and we are looking out for her best interest, it didn't sound like her mom would have much of a chance of "winning" (unless I am just overly hopeful by what he said). He said it wouldn't have to be contested if mom agrees, but he hasn't met her mom...it would be a mess and not pretty at all.

I texted the teen last night to think about if she would be willing to take her mom to court about all this. Today, I told her what I found out about her options. I will NOT file a petition for guardianship unless she is 100% on board with it. I told her that if she backed out part way through, it would be REALLY bad for me which is the truth. I emphasized that this is all her choice and I would not question or fault her for not wanting or being able to do it. It is a huge deal and likely would take some time to get finalized (in the mean time, her mom could make our lives "a living hell" if she wanted to). I didn't give her a timeline to decide and am going to try not to bring it up again. This is her life and she has to decide both what is best for her and how much "fallout" she is able to handle...I don't envy her at all :(

It seems like she is working hard to finish this semester strong. She is an amazing "young woman" and I'm so proud of her!
Good night.