Of course, the day wasn't without "drama", but I did enjoy my afternoon (hmm, I'm feeling like this is a post that is going to jump around...ha!) More on my birthday later... :)
Thursday was the teen's report card conference at school. As soon as I knew the appointment time, I texted her mom. On Monday, I sent her a reminder text to see if she was still going to be able to come. She texted back that she was her mom and of course she would be there...and that I didn't need to go. Um, whatever, I'll see you there ;) Thursday morning, she calls me at 7:30. Among other things, she told me how busy she was and that she had conferences for her other kids and it was going to be REALLY tough for her to get to this one too. And then she said she would see me there...I did not hold my breath.
The teen got out of school at 2, but that is in the middle of the little one's nap time, so I let her know I'd pick her up at 3. When I got to my parents' house, she wasn't there, so I thought maybe they DIDN'T get out early. She showed up at 3:15...with a drink from a gas station. I kindly told her that I would have appreciated her calling me to tell me she was going. For some reason, she shut down and then became rude and disrespectful when I tried to figure out what was the matter. She said that "I" was the problem and that I was "jumping to conclusions". Seriously, all I said was "you KNOW I would have let you go, I just need to know where you are in case something would happen". It was completely out of character for her, but I didn't have time to argue or try and figure out why she was so angry with me since I had to get to conferences.
I showed up at the school right after her mom called to say she wouldn't be able to make it by 4. There was a slot at 4:30 and one at 6. I couldn't go to the 6:00 one since we had plans. She was going to "try" and get there by 4:30, but the advisor can only do one slot per student. By this point I was bawling because of what I had left behind at home and whatever emotions were bottled up just came spilling out. I actually went and talked to the principal because I figured I'd take the 4:30 slot and have her reschedule, but didn't know who would deal with her "wrath" if she didn't arrive on time. She called while I was in the office saying she was taking the 6:00 slot, that she had full rights and didn't want me meeting with any teachers without her.
I called the Service Coordinator since I didn't know what exactly was true about this. Basically, she said that the mom DOES have educational rights and I shouldn't be stressing about it. If she wants to go to conferences, let her and it isn't for me to worry about. In not so many words, she said that while I want what's best for the teen, she'll be going back home soon and the mom has to figure things out, so I should just let her. I just cried more as I talked to the principal, the same amazing woman who was principal when I attended that high school. As much as I have been "talking it out" in recent days, I know in my heart AND in my head that I have made a difference in these girls' lives, but to hear someone else say it makes it that much more special...
When the teen started at that school, she couldn't take her eyes off the ground. Now she laughs and smiles and goes in for extra help after school. In hindsight, even her yelling at me is a HUGE step, something that I have been wanting her to be able to do (even though it was hurtful, I've been encouraging her to express herself/her feelings verbally because holding them inside isn't helpful). One thing the principal said that is likely true, but really stinks, is that the teen may have "outbursts" like that in an attempt to be more "unlikeable" so it is easier to say good-bye. It may not even be intentional, but a way of her coping with this change that is good for the family, but hard for her heart that hasn't experienced this kind of love and attention...at least not for a long time. She reminded me that all of this is foreign to her, even going to school every day. The "normal" can only be introduced little bits at a time and then I can see all of the "little victories" add up to big ones :) So, the fact that the "Happy Birthday" never came and the pleases, thank-yous, good nights, and good mornings are few and far between aren't things that I stress about...or at least try not to, because I know that she is learning how to stand up for herself, how to advocate for her needs, and even how to have conversations with new people.
I wiped my tears, knowing that I'm doing the best I can, and it is evident in those who care about me that I am doing a great thing. And then, I got ready to bring the little one to see Beauty and the Beast at the high school (she is wearing sunglasses big enough to cover her face, so I decided this picture was "safe"). The teen cleared the dinner table...and all I said to her was "even though you weren't very nice to me, I still love you" and left it at that.
Yesterday morning, I went and picked up the girls' mom so she could come to the teen's physical/asthma check. The school nurse has been calling me because we don't have any immunization records and that is kind of "illegal". I tried calling the clinic where we got the little one's records from, and I believe the people from the State have tried getting them too, but they have lived in all different states/different addresses and were tough to track down. Of course, the mom took no responsibility for this and blamed everyone else for not being able to find them. The nurse said she would have to start the series over or get titers or something. So, I decided the mom HAD to be at this appointment, even if it meant I had to pick her up.
I'm pretty sure she wasn't happy that I stayed with them for the entire appointment. The PA didn't really work with me and believed that the mom was going to get the records within the next 10 days...seriously, this has been an issue for 10 months! But, she pulled the "I'm the mom" card once again...and a responsible one at that ;) The teen is overweight, and I was hoping that they would talk nutrition/exercise at some point (I was planning to leave for that) since she eats well at my house and has lost a bit of weight in the 10 months she has been in foster care. But, that didn't really come up, and at the point when her actual weight was said out loud, her mom yelled at her...well, she said her name loudly. Seriously, like it's all the teen's fault that she's overweight. Poor girl :( I try not to talk about it because that's a super touchy topic, but I do praise her for the good food choices she makes. She packs her own lunch every day and it's always healthy stuff. I guess I set too high of expectations for this appointment and it was rather stressful listening to her go on and on about how great of a mom she is.
After the appointment, I dropped them off at a relatives house. 2 1/2 hours with her was PLENTY and I was so excited to spend the rest of the day with my family!
I met my sister, mom, and nephew at the pumpkin patch. It was a gorgeous day! My nephew is a ham until you get the camera ready, so you have to try and catch him off guard! I love his boots! :)
After the pumpkin patch, my mom and I went and got massages. After these stressful/emotional days, it was exactly what I needed. I was SO relaxed and she worked out the kinks in my neck and back...fabulous!
After that, I picked up the girls so we could go to dinner. A birthday tradition in our family is that the birthday person gets to pick a restaurant and we all go out to eat. I picked a restaurant I had gotten a coupon for since I am the one with the two extra people :) My brother-in-law couldn't come, but we had a nice dinner anyway. I love that my sister dressed my nephew in a "My Aunt Rocks" onesie for my birthday :)
The teen decided that she wanted to go see Beauty and the Beast with her friend. Earlier in the week, she informed me that she didn't want to go. But, she asked me nicely and was prepared to skip it if our dinner ran long. I let her know that it should work out, especially since she asked me the way she did.
I was, however, torn about the plans for tonight. For weeks, she has wanted to go to this FBLA bonfire. They are supposed to have visits Friday nights, Saturdays, and Sundays, with their mom providing transportation all directions. I did the driving yesterday since I changed the times and I wanted their mom at the appointment. Earlier in the week, I let the teen know she needed to discuss this bonfire plan with her mom since it would involve leaving the visit early. Then, after Thursdays "outburst", I let their mom know that I may not be able to do transportation. And THEN, after her pulling the "I'm the mom card" on me the past two days, I really wanted to put it back on her that if she's the mom, then she needed to figure out how to get the teen to and from this bonfire. However, I care about the teen and she's going to have a really hard time participating in social gatherings when she goes back home since her mom doesn't have transportation.
My heart was REALLY torn because I had the words of the service coordinator in my head telling me that their mom needs to figure things out (and I care "too much") but the fact is I DO care about the teen and don't think she needs to "suffer" while she's in my home just because I'm trying to get her mom to be responsible.
My mom helped me figure out that since the teen tried to figure things out by making it so I didn't have to drive ALL the way to and from, that I should accommodate her. (Unfortunately, my two glasses of wine left me saying something I didn't want to/mean to say to the teen regarding how things are going to change when she goes back home, but while she's with me, I'll do what I can to make sure she can have fun...open mouth, insert foot :( )
I was still torn this morning, especially after they got picked up and I found myself agreeing to do drop off and pick up when I had planned to hang out with my friend. So, I called Ginger and was a crying mess. Her husband answered and made me laugh before she got on the phone and helped me sort through things even further. I am SO blessed to have such amazing friends and family who are helping me through the ups and downs of being a foster mom :)
In the end, I came up with a really good compromise that allowed me to do what I wanted to do, made their mom be responsible for the front-end transportation, and gave the teen the opportunity to hang out with friends. A win for everyone...unfortunately, I'm the only one who cried about it and their mom has no clue how hard this is for me (every time I talk to her, she tells me how busy/stressed she is, so she couldn't begin to understand me and my feelings...)
I just got back from picking up the teen and she talked my ear off the entire way home, telling me everything they did. She is so special and I know I'm blessed to have a teenage girl living with me who talks to me and enjoys spending time with me. Their mom canceled the visit for tomorrow, so all of my plans will need to be adjusted. That kind of stinks, but at least the little one is well-behaved and I've been able to take her pretty much anywhere (I do feel bad about the day I brought her to my eye doctor appointment, to a restaurant for lunch, AND to choir practice at church, but she did awesome!)
Well, the teen is watching football, so maybe I'll make some popcorn and join her. No wine tonight though ;)
Good night.
1 comment:
Is it crazy of me to say that I love reading your talking it out posts?
First of all, don't worry about keeping up with my blog. You mentioned that several times and I wanted to let you know, don't worry about it. I know you've got your hands full these days. And enough on your mind!!
Sometimes I'm afraid to comment, because I don't want you to feel like you can't blog because of something I said. So I haven't left comments on your posts very often in my passive way of encouraging you to talk things out your way.
I agree with the principal, when she said the teen may be making herself unlikeable before the transition. Psychologically it makes sense. I'm also thinking that she's a teen, its that time in their lives when they rebel a lot. And you know what else? Often, you hurt the ones you love the most because it's safe with them. She might be testing the boundaries and acting out because unconsciously she knows it's safe with you? Just a thought. Kids aren't aware of when they do that kind of stuff though... making themselves unlikeable and testing boundaries.
You're awesome!!! The mom irritates me to no end. She is so predictable, and I feel bad for the girls having to go back to unstability. So your theory of getting them to enjoy normal things while they're in your house... YES!
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