So, then what happened?!
I've been a mom for over a year and it has been the most amazing experience. Even though it will be incredibly sad when they go home, I know that I have given it my all and our lives are forever changed for the better. I have given them opportunities they would never have been able to experience. I have experienced love and laughter like none I had ever known. I love taking care of kids. I love being able to make a difference in their lives. I love being a mom.
I don't so much enjoy dating and that has been an ongoing struggle for me. I cried as I wrote this post on Saturday night and was pretty much left wondering what is "wrong" with me.
This morning, I dropped the little one off at her Spanish class and went to see K. Oh, how much I love K. We have been through a lot together and I've been seeing her twice a month during this time when I thought the girls were going home/are going home, but she has been working with me financially a lot (as in, today and a number of other sessions were free and she pretty much just has me pay what it costs her to "rent" the room for an hour...yeah, she's awesome). She made some really good points, I cried (of course), but agreed with her.
Once again, she helped me to embrace who I am, even if it isn't who "society" thinks I should be...or even who my family, friends, co-workers, neighbors think I should be. I need to be at peace with the fact that I have a gift for caring for kids and am called to that ministry, both as a pediatric nurse and a foster parent. I am not called to be in a committed relationship...at least not now. I have to believe that I gave it "the old college try" these past six months with possibly a guy who is 100% perfect for me, but I'm just not feeling it. The fact that I told her I was wondering what kind of "excuses" I would have to come up with once the girls go home pretty much sums things up.
She said I need to stop "should-ing" on myself...and I have been "should-ing" a lot in this relationship. I "should" text him to let him know I'm not working today. I "should" be excited when I get a text from him. I "should" say I'll go to dinner with him. I "should" talk to him before I accept any new placements. But, it "shouldn't" be like that. I KNOW it's not him (because he's a really great guy), that it's totally me, but she (tried to) help me see that this is "ok". There isn't anything "wrong" with me, this is just who I am...and why should I try to be someone I am not? That doesn't really help anyone. So, I need to be at peace with this, and hope "other people" are okay with it (and, if not, I need to be okay with that too).
Now, I just have to figure out when and how to tell him. Prayers certainly accepted and appreciated :)
1 comment:
Hello! :)
I feel much the same way you do about dating. I don't much like it, and I am mostly OK with my singleness too. Other people struggle with it, but thats their problem not mine.
Im not saying I'd be OK to be alone forever... I mean I'd like to have a companion in my old age, yes... but irrationally, I wish he would be instantly there when I'm ready for it.
I think in the beginning, if it feels like so much work to maintain this relationship, then that's not the one for you. Even if he really is a great guy. The pressure you're feeling with all the "should's".... if the whole thing was right, I would think there would be a lot less "should's" than what you've mentioned. You'd be dying to be with him... dying to do everything you could to see him, talk to him, etc.
Maybe he IS the one, but maybe this isn't the TIME. All in God's time, remember :)
I am curious. After these two girls go home, are you going to foster again?
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