Alrighty Then

My foster care specialist came to see me and Zoe before I brought her to school. She said just go with this visitation schedule with me doing her treatments on the days I'm off and summer will be here soon, so staying up until past 10:00 on softball nights to do treatments won't be as big of a deal. Later in the afternoon, I got a call from the case manager for the first time since this stuff changed and the I believe first contact other than an email asking for Zoe's medication list in nearly a month. One of her first questions was asking if Zoe's mom could come to my house and do her treatments here on the days I'm off. I said I didn't feel comfortable with that and she asked why. I just said I didn't trust her and it just didn't feel like now is the right time to have that kind of open relationship (or something like that). I ended up posting that question on a foster parent fb group I'm in and the majority of people told me they would have said no as well, most giving reasons of their home being a "safe" place for the kids rather than it being a privacy or "selfish" reason. I like that, especially since Zoe doesn't listen to her mom, often to the point of being out of control/throwing tantrums and it would be painful to sit by and observe that behavior in my home (as my role would be observation rather than being the parent). I left a message for my foster care specialist, so hopefully she is comfortable with my decision to say no.

Ivy got home from her school trip around 3:30. She had been gone since leaving from school around 2:30 on Friday. Thursday night, she threw a tantrum while her guardian was here/after he left saying she didn't even want to go anymore (because we were talking to her about the classes she is failing and told her she needs to get help? "most" teenagers would be like "get me the heck out of here/I can't wait to get away from this for a while", right?!) But, her fb posts throughout the weekend were positive and she posted a number of pictures, so it appeared she enjoyed herself.

However, when I asked her about it, she said it was "ok" and proceeded to complain about everything--we did too much walking, we didn't follow the itinerary so we were late to some things, I didn't have time to souvenir shop, we stayed up too late, we had to get up too early, I have to unpack, I have to do laundry, I spilled syrup on my shirt (how did you do that? they had these little syrup things on the table and I didn't eat over the table...), my ears popped in the plane...alrighty then, I'm glad ONE of us had fun this weekend!

After that attempt at a conversation, she put in a load of laundry and then moped on the couch for 20 minutes before making a bagel and moping some more. She was in bed for a nap by 4:30.

Zoe got home from her visit at 7:15. Ivy was still sleeping and I thought she may sleep until morning, so I shushed Zoe and tried to keep her quiet, but Ivy ended up getting up. She muttered one or more things, but mostly pouted about having to put her clothes in the dryer and making her lunch for tomorrow. I asked her if she was going to continue to whine or what? She said no, but then made herself some pizza rolls and kept her distance from both me and Zoe.

She went back to bed at 8:15 and I had to "shush" Zoe (she was up until almost 10...oops). When I told her Ivy was sleeping, she said "Again?!" I know Zoe, I know...it's frustrating.

I guess her sleeping is better than her being awake and whining/pouting/complaining! Gotta love teenagers, but I definitely didn't expect that kind of response. She wore shorts all weekend for goodness sake and came home to freezing cold (she missed the snow flurries, but it was still cold!)

Hopefully her guardian understands the NEED for some therapy and also the need for her to have something to keep her occupied this summer because we will not survive without that!

Until the next time...

Just Keep Swimming

I can hardly believe how sporadically I've blogged since Zoe came to live here in September. It's only gotten worse since Ivy came to live here in February! I really need to blog more because it definitely helps...and it's really sad that I don't have time/energy to do it.

I don't remember it being this hard with the teenager and the little one last time, but this is a lot of work! Zoe has her medical needs, five day a week visits, school five days a week, and really isn't a great listener, especially when she is tired (which is most of the time because of her crazy schedule she has to keep because someone thought her mom needed to see her five days a week for three hours...it still sucks even after doing it for over seven months). I had NO idea what I was signing up for when I agreed to take Ivy. Unbeknownst to me, she has significant gaps in her social skills to the point that her guidance counselor told me they weren't sure she'd be able to live independently...say what?! I was totally unprepared for a 17-year-old with the maturity of a 12-year-old (my dad says she acts like she's 9 or 10, but I'll go with 12-13). It's not all her fault, but that doesn't make it any easier :(

Ivy has a guardian, but he is married, works full time, and has teenagers of his own. After my last counseling session, I asked if he and his family (sisters/brothers/nieces/nephews) could take her once a week for a few hours to help me in role modeling appropriate behavior so it isn't all on me. She annoys me so much and I feel bad saying it, but there really isn't much that is enjoyable about having her live here (other than knowing she is happy and that I'm "doing a good thing"). She irritates me even when she is sleeping, so I really hope that her guardian will get her counseling ASAP (as well as help me send her away to summer camp for a few weeks this summer...I can't wait for summer to be here so I can be with Zoe, but I'm kind of dreading summer with Ivy...can't have it both ways, unfortunately).

My family has been a huge help with Ivy (and Zoe) and I have a lot of support, but the day-to-day is still pretty stressful. Thankfully, work hasn't been awful, but I do work 12-hour shifts three days a week, so those days are tiring without having to come home to two former only children who want my undivided attention and I'm only one person.

Yes, I did sign up for this, so I often feel like I shouldn't complain (actually, one of my friends told me that God called me to do this and I obeyed, so maybe I can just blame Him ;) ) It's also difficult because my former teen doesn't seem to be doing so hot right now (my only "contact" has been seeing her bank account be depleted by her mom and her advisor telling me she's failing a couple of classes...hopefully she will graduate and be able to get out of the house, but things don't sound good). I try to quickly send away my guilty feelings about not being able to do anything for her right now because I'm stretched to the max with the two kids I have living here (I do pray for her and have sent a couple of texts, but that's about all I can do and I don't like that).

 Zoe is getting big (I think she weighs over 41 pounds now! She turned 5 last week) and her cystic fibrosis is finally under control. It took a LOT of work to get to a stable point and we are still doing nebulized antibiotics every day along with her 10 other medications, but she's pretty darn healthy by cystic fibrosis standards and I'm proud of that. Her verbal skills are coming along, although it's still frustrating that they wouldn't ever consider a speech evaluation and just chalk it up to being bilingual. I'm going to see if I can get someone to help me with my Spanish so we can practice that here at home too. I'm not sure what way this case will go, but I've experienced some reverse discrimination since I'm not Hispanic and don't speak Spanish (even though Zoe has me read books to her in Spanish all the time...I don't think I butcher them TOO badly!) The next hearing to talk about relative placement isn't until July 24 and it doesn't sound like they will try to place with mom before then, but who knows. (I'm trying not to think about the possibility of her going home and leaving me alone with Ivy...I don't know how I'd survive without a "buffer", but hopefully things will have drastically improved before it comes to that!)

Here are some pictures...it isn't ALL bad, but it's nice to get some of the stressful stuff off my chest :)

Until the next time...

To Be Continued

I was as prepared as I was going to be to testify at the hearing for Zoe's case today. I was being called to testify to all her medical needs. I didn't realize so many people were being called to testify when the motion being discussed was in regards to relative placement. They sequestered all those who could/would testify, but my worker stayed in the courtroom (with my stuff including my iPad and phone which would have been nice to have out there in the lobby!)

An hour and a half later, we watched the District Attorney leave and realized that the hearing was not going to finish today. Apparently, the Judge asked for another date with two hours available for more testimony. They only got through 2 1/2 people today. No one knows how long it will be to find a court date--could be weeks or months. In the mean time, Zoe stays with me and continues visitation (although it sounds like they are going to increase visitation in a kind of "sink or swim" kind of test which isn't going to be much fun, but I guess the "best" way).

I'm off this weekend and we have some fun things planned, including a first birthday party for my nephew on Sunday and a show at the Children's Theater tomorrow. Ivy talks non-stop when we are together and Zoe wants a lot of attention when she's here (because she's 4 and also used to being an only child), so I'm thankful that I have time at the end of the day to relax and have my own time. I'm learning some things about ADD from my twitter friends and may need to read up on it so I can better understand her (rather than getting REALLY irritated at the things she says/the way she behaves).

I'm not setting an alarm since I have no where to go in the morning and Zoe will get up early enough!

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

Zoe has lived with me six months today. Her schedule keeps me on my toes (treatments, medications, school, visits five days a week, plus being almost five!), but we have so much fun when we actually can spend time together :) The snow day pictures are from a couple weeks ago, but new to the blog :)

Her mom goes back to court on Friday. Her mom's lawyer is going to ask for her to be placed with mom's sister. Zoe's GAL came this morning and wouldn't tell me or my worker if he was in support of that move or not. However, he informed me that I will be called to the stand to testify and explain all of her treatments, medications, diet, and what her daily schedule looks like. Even though I know it by heart, it is still nerve wracking to think about speaking on the stand in front of people critiquing my every word. I know I need to stick to the facts and not put any emotion into my answers, but it isn't going to be easy.

This afternoon, we had a family team meeting. What I took away from that meeting is that the State isn't going to recommend placement with the aunt at court, but I am cautiously optimistic and know that I could easily be wrong. There was discussion about the case manager coming to see us at my house next week and a family team meeting next month, so hopefully I'm not reading too much into that (they also weren't quick to say that the aunt can provide supervision for the mom, so that also makes me think they aren't 100% on board with a move...at least not this week). The cultural liaison made a backhanded compliment saying that Zoe's mom just isn't as firm (aka parent-like ;) ) with her as I am to make her behave and she needs to work on that. Other than that, she didn't speak to me much. It's still annoying that she thinks three hour visits five days a week isn't enough, but I'm trying to just go with the flow as much as I can...it doesn't do any good to fight that which is out of my control anyway.

Ivy drives me bonkers a lot of the time, but she is making progress in some areas, so I need to take some deep breaths and try to focus on those. I find myself biting my tongue a lot and reminding myself to pick my battles and that some things just don't require a response. She is used to being an only child who could do pretty much whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted. She's a nice girl, but socially awkward with seemingly limited critical thinking skills. (I was told tonight that people with ADD have no filter, so that helps ;) ) Last week, she was fighting with Zoe because Zoe moved the hallway rug to be by her room instead of by Ivy's to the point that she took it from Zoe and hid it so she couldn't have it. I was sitting on the couch laughing and wondering if this was really happening. Tonight, she spilled an entire glass of milk all over the table, the floor, and the chair and chalked it up to being a klutz. Later during dinner, Zoe dripped a little bit of her milk and it was the end of the world and Ivy couldn't BELIEVE that Zoe would spill her milk like that, etc. because HERS was just an accident and Zoe was messing around. Seriously, this is happening in my house. She said she likes dinner better when it is just us and I wanted to tell her that Zoe was here first and dinner time was much less stressful before she came, but of course I didn't say anything. 

She is doing a lot better at cleaning up after herself (and putting away the dishes and laundry which is both of our stuff) and she actually tasted chili last night (she is super picky and rarely willing to try new things). Her grades were better this quarter than they were last semester, and she does seem happy (even though she complains a lot and gets all worked up over little things like Zoe moving my keys/putting her shoes in places where I can't always find them).

Some days are better than others, but such is life as a parent. I still believe that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even though it is often exhausting and challenging to have so little control over what's going on in my life. I don't want Zoe to go home (or to her aunt's)...at least until Ivy stops driving me crazy because I need that buffer/distraction/reason to walk away. 

Things are still good, but I had no idea how hard this was going to be...even though there was no reason to think that parenting other peoples' children would be easy ;)

Until the next time...I could use some prayers/good thoughts, especially come Friday afternoon when I'm on the stand advocating for Zoe while just stating the facts. Court is at 1:15 CST.

Adjusting

Two things I need to remember:

Parenting is hard.
Parenting two kids who are not yours/you did not give birth to is hard.

Ivy moved in just over a week ago (on February 3). Apparently, she told everyone at school she is really excited to be living here (she even cried tears of happiness when talking to her English teacher about having her own room). I went to my/her high school fundraiser on Saturday night and I was thanked over and over for taking her in and told what a great thing it is. Those things definitely help and will also be things I need to remember as we adjust to living together (since she will be here at least 15 more months...not that I'm counting or anything).

She is a really picky eater and told my parents and me that she wasn't encouraged to try new things (really?!) She was super jealous that Zoe got to have a visit at McDonald's last week...um, not going there if we can help it! She loves sugary junk food and I don't think she's eaten a single vegetable since she's been here. My parents usually have dinner at their house on Sundays and they will help encourage her to try things/eat more healthy (love my parents!) She also doesn't seem accustomed to cleaning up after herself (as in, spilling milk from her cereal on the table and leaving it, not rinsing off her syrupy plate...) I have had her help clear off the dinner table/help with dishes, so I'm hoping the rest will come.

It's only been a week...baby steps...and lots of patience. But, I can see how someone not in the right frame of mind to be patient during a transition could freak out and be done with it/her.

Zoe's case has really been stressing me out and also really emotional. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one on trial with traps being set to see what I will do. I think the severity of her medical needs has been swept aside and the issue more often addressed is culture/language (which sometimes ends in pointed fingers that I am not bilingual or of her same culture...). I have been treated pretty poorly by the cultural liaison, but hopefully that has been addressed (not before lots of stress and tears).

Last week, I had to leave work because Zoe had a fever at school. My job is not really something you can leave in the middle of, but luckily someone was on call. Unfortunately, she had just left to walk her dog and was 20 minutes away from home. I need a better back-up plan, but who can (or wants to) watch a sick foster kid with medical needs? No one. So, it took me 2 1/2 hours to pick her up after the initial call that she had a fever. My patients were a mess and I felt awful leaving my co-worker to clean up everything. I hope she didn't have a horrible day. She was sobbing when I got there and did not look like she felt well at all, so I felt awful. However, she started talking as soon as we got in the car and the highest temperature I got at my house was 100.9 (it was up to 102.7 at school). She actually quietly played for a little while before I had her take a nap. I tried calling the case manager multiple times to cancel the visit and she finally responded with a text that they "don't cancel visits for that". I completely lost it and continued to cry for well over an hour. I had to wake her up to send her on a visit (which ended up being at McDonald's and then at her aunt's house with a five-month-old baby present...making matters even worse). So, I missed most of that day of work and had to call in sick on Friday which meant I only worked one shift and I doubt I have enough PTO to cover the rest of the hours not cool.

The tears were likely worse because the day before at our family team meeting, there was discussion about moving to semi-supervised visits which makes me want to vomit. Also, it "came up" during the meeting that her visit would be canceled, so I had to rearrange my entire afternoon AND evening in order to get her from school and get her treatment done and medication given (since I had already dropped everything off at the day care). The case manager said "so, can you get her from school?" I was kind of rude, but said "well, I'm not going to LEAVE her there!" I love spending time with Zoe and we had a good afternoon with Ivy (and also on Friday when Ivy happened to be off school too).

So, we are adjusting as good as can be expected I guess. I know things will get better (and worse, and better again ;) ). On Zoe's non-sick-sick day, we made a Valentine's Day canvas for her mom...since it was fun and also proof I'm not heartless. We also went to a bilingual show at the children's theater, so take that cultural liaison ;)

Your support and prayers are much appreciated!
Until the next time...

(I added 2013 to the bottom, but not her name since there

isn't one consistent spelling of it...nice since she's going to 

Kindergarten in the fall.)

Moving In

I found out on Thursday that Ivy's background check is complete, so she could move in whenever. I told her Guardian and he let her know. She was so excited that she texted me right away. Earlier in the week, she had asked to be my fb friend and she also posted right away on fb how excited she was to move in. Last night, she listed me as her "mother" on fb (so she is my daughter on mine...) I'm really glad she is so excited, but I'm really rather nervous about the whole thing!

The past week has been rough dealing with "the system" and running all around town for Zoe-related things. I've been told that Ivy is a laid back kind of girl and Zoe is REALLY good at transitions, so that helps a lot. I know that I just need to be patient with myself more than anything! The girls will be fine and everything will be great if we take things slowly and give each other time to adjust to the "new normal" that hopefully won't be "crazy town" for too long! I think that simply knowing that I will need to create balance for myself and both girls as well as understanding that things won't be "perfect" right away (or ever, because what's perfect?!) will help me a lot. Also, having a lot of support will be awesome :)

In Zoe news, we will have a family team meeting on Wednesday. The manager of her day care will be there and the new case manager has said it will be a meeting to iron out the details and get everyone on the same page. I'm really excited about that!

Well, there's the update from here. I pretty much cleared off the kitchen table and will tidy up the living room during Zoe's treatment in the morning. My bedroom remains a disaster and I need to get all my tax stuff together before next Saturday's appointment, but at least the (main level) "shared" areas will be presentable.

Your good thoughts and prayers for all of us during this transition are much appreciated :)

Dealing with a Bully

I suppose I'm lucky that I never experienced bullying growing up (and REALLY grateful I don't have to grow up during a time when cyber bullying is everywhere). I'm also lucky that I work in a place that, while it is often gossip laden (hello...nursing is almost all females and females just like to gossip, I guess), has not been a place that I have been bullied (at least not without it getting quickly stopped). I'm also grateful that I have gotten a lot stronger in being able to stand up for myself and my needs (thank you years of therapy and dealing with a narcissistic biological mom for 16+ months).

With that being said, I am saddened that I have constantly been bullied by someone who works for the agency that pretty much runs the foster care system in my State. The cultural liaison has been on my case from the beginning, making jabs at me, trying to make me look bad in front of other professionals, making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with Zoe, etc. This weekend, though, she took the bullying to a whole new level and my caseworker is PISSED! We got a new case manager last week and she is aware of past behaviors and received multiple calls and texts from me this weekend about what occurred.

Zoe has visits with her mom five days a week (yes, it totally sucks!). She goes to school from 9-3:30, then gets picked up and has a visit with her mom until 7:00. Drop off at my house is between 7:15 and 7:30 (or she stays at the day care until I pick her up at 8 after work). So, she has LONG days. I often work at least one of the weekend days, so those days she is at day care from 6:15 AM-8:00 PM (thankfully, she loves the kids at the day care and is an angel when her mom isn't around, so they are okay having her for that long :) )

Zoe's mom canceled her visit on Thursday which left me scrambling to find her a ride from school to day care (God bless the woman I met at Curves who got a background check and has been helping me with transportation). Then, she canceled her visit again on Friday which meant I had to back out of judging Junior High history projects that I had agreed to do.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a voice mail from the cultural liaison while I was at work. She wanted to know if Zoe could have a visit with her mom on Sunday (to make up for the two she canceled...seriously?!) I called my caseworker and the case manager to see what the deal was and pumped myself up to call this woman back because I knew I needed to stay strong. Zoe and I had plans on Sunday to attend a party and then have family dinner with my parents, but I decided I could let her go from 3-5:30. She informed me that the visits were canceled since mom got a new job and it was really important she gets to see her daughter (even though she had gone to the school twice to see her and had visits on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, so it isn't like she hadn't seen her in a long time). I let her know that we did have plans, but she would be available for a little while.

Then, on Sunday morning, the cultural liaison called me while we were at church. She said she couldn't transport/supervise the visit and asked if I could. Are you kidding me?! Her mom doesn't speak a lick of English and is mentally ill. Zoe speaks Spanish when she's with her mom and also acts like a maniac. Why in the world would I subject myself to that? I called the case manager and she said I could say no and told me thank you for being flexible. When I called the cultural liaison to tell her I couldn't/wouldn't do that, she tried to bully me into it. She told me that I should try to have a better relationship with Zoe's mom (hello, learn English and I'll learn Spanish?) and that "most" foster parents would supervise. She pretty much told me I was a bad foster parent for not wanting to make this happen, but I stood my ground and said I did not feel comfortable supervising a visit (plus, it was last minute notice and I had agreed to make Zoe available for a visit). I'm proud of myself for standing up for myself (and for not crying!) I let my caseworker and the case manager know that I felt she did this to try to set a trap for me and that she pretty much said I was a bad foster parent and I don't deserve to be treated that way. I really like the new case manager and I hope she will be able to get this woman under control and let her know she cannot treat foster parents like crap.

In other news, we had a family team meeting scheduled for last Tuesday. The new/old case manager (she was on the case from January 1 until last Tuesday) and the new case manager were there along with my caseworker and myself. The mom couldn't come and neither could the cultural liaison (I think this is the third family team meeting the mom has missed, there wasn't one in December, and we had our first one in September, so these "family team meetings" have rarely included her mom). So, we were able to talk freely. At that time, I informed the new case manager of some of the issues I had already had with the cultural liaison and concerns I have about the case and plans for moving forward. She told me (and my caseworker) that she didn't think the relative would qualify to provide relative placement (or adoption if this eventually ends in termination...I'm not sure Zoe's mom will ever be able to care for her special needs). That was quite a different story than I'd heard for the past four months. She wasn't sure if there was a concurrent plan, but asked if I'd be willing to adopt Zoe if the case ends up going that way (which would take YEARS). I said of course (as long as she can still have Medicaid since there is no way I can afford her medications or her medical day care).

Zoe is still super fun, even though she keeps me really busy (not just her...all the phone calls and arrangements that I have to do while she's at school all day long!) Since her mom canceled her visit on Friday and I was off, we made a quick stop at the Zoo and went out to dinner. Here are some pictures. I love shopping for her and she always gets compliments on her clothes and shoes :)

Worried for Nothing

I was running a little behind this morning getting Zoe ready for school, her treatments and medications given, and getting myself ready for court. After I dropped her off at school, I realized that I was still wearing the purple moccasins I put on to take out of the trash instead of dress shoes...oops. Thankfully, I made it there on time...only to discover that there wasn't really a hearing today.

We thought it was an evidentiary hearing (because that's what the Judge said in December) to talk about placement with her aunt. I was there, along with my worker, her mom, aunt, and the cultural liaison. It turned out just to be a check/review with only attorneys and workers talking to the Judge. So, I think everything is going to stay the same at least until the actual evidentiary hearing on March 8.

Unfortunately, the non-hearing hearing wasn't without drama. I have had issues with the "cultural liaison" since the beginning. She seems to not like me for some reason and I guess the feeling is mutual. She always seems to find really hurtful things to say (which then upsets me more that I let her get to me). She also has NO CLUE what it takes to take care of Zoe and refuses to acknowledge the fact that her mom HAS NOT been taking good care of her for the past four years which is why she is so sick now. Yes she has a chronic, progressive disease, but one of the big reasons she is so sick this early in her life is because of medical non-compliance on the part of her mom. Today, my worker pointed out that her mom continues to be non-compliant with Zoe's specialized diet. The cultural liaison said something to her mom which had an excuse and then she basically told us we were wrong...even though I have a notebook with (nearly) every single thing her mom has given her to eat and drink the past 4+ months. Then, she said something to me that I found rude/hurtful (my worker didn't think she meant it this way, but I did)--she basically said that the only reason Zoe hasn't been in the hospital since she's been with me is because I have a "relationship" with the team (as in, her mom wasn't given a chance to properly take care of her outside the hospital or something else equally ridiculous).

It is so frustrating that she sees me as the bad guy for some reason. She "reminds" me all the time that Zoe should be with her family. I agree that kids should be with their family IF they can properly take care of them! Her mom gets visits five days a week from right after school until 7:00. So, after her visits, I have to get her a snack, bath, book, and to bed at a decent hour (try to anyway). On the mornings I am off, I get her up, get her treatments done and medications given and get her to school. She thinks her aunt should have visits separate from her mom, meaning weekend visits. I'm all about Zoe getting to see her family, but I don't want to be her chauffeur and the one doing all her "cares" and never get to just "be" with her or do any sort of entertainment activity. We both like to go places--shopping, out to eat, to the Zoo, the Children's Museum, shows at the children's theater, play with my friends' kids and my nephews, etc. and it is already limited to the weekend (if I'm off!) because we can't do anything during the week (I can't do really anything during the week either!) I DO understand that she's "not my kid", but this schedule would be completely impossible if I had other children/responsibilities. Pretty much my entire life revolves around Zoe, so I don't feel guilty about feeling "entitled" to some fun times with her.

Anyway, that's a super long post about how "nothing" happened today and I should have Zoe for another two months. She still has a lung infection, but they are going to let me continue to treat her at home with nebulized antibiotics and oral antibiotics...such is life with cystic fibrosis :(

Until the next time...

Long Overdue

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last posted, but it has been SO busy, that I can sort of believe it. I need to write my One Word 365 update, write about what I have chosen for 2013 (which I've ben changing pretty much daily, so who knows). I haven't written about Christmas or how things have been going...busy pretty much sums it up, but we have been having a lot of fun too.

Ivy decided that she wants to come live with me, but she doesn't want to live with my parents first which was an option on the table. Instead, she waits until her background check is done (or Zoe goes home...whatever happens first).

Court for Zoe is tomorrow. It is my understanding that "they" are still pushing for relative placement with the aunt. However, we did not have a "family team meeting" after the last hearing, her aunt has had one visit with Zoe (Christmas), and did not attend last week's Doctor's appointment. We also were assigned a new caseworker last Monday, but I have had no contact with her...really awesome that someone that's never met me or Zoe is going to speak to what should happen to her. I sent a letter to Zoe's lawyer (GAL) which my worker said was "excellent" detailing all of her medications, treatments, specialized diet, etc. I sent him an updated email yesterday with information from last week as well as the fact that her aunt wasn't at the appointment. Zoe has been gaining weight really well here, so they cut back on the calories in her supplement which is awesome :)

I have no prediction on what will happen at court tomorrow, but am praying for wisdom for all those making decisions and peace in the decisions that are made. It will be emotional no matter what happens. I don't have to go, but I'd rather hear things first hand (especially if it involves me packing all her belongings).

One of these days, I'll have to sit down and write some blog posts...but first I probably need to send my Christmas cards (and finish cleaning out Ivy's room...and clearing the clutter out of my bedroom...and making the kitchen table usable for dining...such is life ;) )

Until the next time...

Change Is Coming

Last Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from the Principal at my high school (also where "the teen" is a Senior...wow!). One of the Juniors (I'm going to call her Ivy) lost her mom right before Thanksgiving. She was a single mom whose parents had helped raise Ivy until they both died within the last two years. Her mom had one sister who is also deceased. It sounds like all she has is one first cousin (who lives 1200 miles away and has a baby with a brain tumor) and a couple second cousins, none of which are all that close. One of her second cousins became her Guardian and took her in while her mom was sick (she died within 5 weeks of finding out she had cancer). Unfortunately, his wife has a mental illness and lashed out at Ivy early last week and gave him an ultimatum that either Ivy goes or she does. Ivy has been living with her friend from school whose parents are going through a divorce. So, she needs a place to live and someone to love on her and help her "grow up"...and my name came up in conversations at the school. I said "sure" (of course!) and met Ivy last Friday. She actually was pretty open about herself and what had been going on (even though she is shy and likely a bit "socially awkward" among her peers). They were planning to give her a couple of options and let her decide.

Unfortunately, it hasn't been that simple. Because I am a foster parent (who has current placement), anyone over the age of 16 living here must have a background check. I COMPLETELY understand the rationale behind that, but background checks have been taking up to two months in my State. That is way too long for this girl to wait :( After some disheartening words from my mom and sister (both of them asked if I would get "paid" as their first response upon hearing her story...I wondered how it is that I am related to them :( ), my parents said that Ivy could stay with them until her background check is done and she can "officially" live with me. I talked to my caseworker today and she said that once it's in the works, she can hang out here and maybe even stay the night, I just can't leave her alone with Zoe and can't/shouldn't broadcast that she is "living" here. Of course, she still has to "choose" my home as where she wants to be, but things seem to be headed in that direction. I am meeting with her Guardian tomorrow to see what he thinks.

So, if you could be in prayer for her and for me as this will be quite an adjustment. I haven't yet told the teen that "her" room will no longer be "hers"...even though she hasn't stayed the night here in nearly three months. I have barely talked to her since Zoe came to live here, but did get to see her briefly last Monday. I hope she will be "ok" with it and understand that I will always be here for her and my door will always be open (and I have plenty of other places to sleep!)

Zoe is doing great. I (with the help of her teacher!) have kind of "chubbed" her up which is awesome! It is really important for kids with cystic fibrosis to have extra calories (and extra weight) to help fight off infections and grow :) She doesn't eat that well for her mom, but her mom also still struggles with her behavior during treatments (behavior that isn't seen when anyone else does them). The next hearing is January 15 and my guess is there will be enough information for them to send her to live with her aunt (or at least "give it the old college try"...I hope she does well, but I'm not convinced she can/will do all it takes to keep Zoe healthy).

We got pictures taken a couple of weeks ago and I got the disc back on Sunday. I don't "love" the way I look in most of them, but there are a couple that are "bloggable" which made me really excited. I wish I could post others because they turned out great, but at least I can post one or two :)

I'll try to be a better blogger ;) I need to do my "One Word  365" wrap up post!

Dodged a Bullet

Quick update to say that Zoe did not go live with her aunt today. The worker told me a week ago Saturday that it would be a "no go". However, when she arrived at court today (shortly after me), I was made aware of the fact that she was going to recommend placement with the aunt today...say what?! As if I wasn't already anxious/stressed out enough! I definitely think her aunt would be more capable of caring for Zoe than her mom will ever be (I'm not convinced her mom will ever be able to parent her), however she hasn't been involved in any visits or participated in any cares in the three months I've had Zoe. Today was the first time the caseworker observed Zoe in the care of her mom and she has never visited me when Zoe was here (I just realized that today and it made me even more upset about the way things have been going with this case!)

Thankfully, the hearing was a two-parter with mom's adjudication first and then discussion of placement with the aunt (which I was told was a sure thing, much to my dismay...there were lots of Our Fathers and Hail Marys being said by me throughout the hearing). The Judge appeared highly irritated with the mom as it was like pulling teeth to get her to answer yes or no to his questions about her plea of "no contest" to the charges and had to ask things multiple ways, multiple times for a straight answer. So, when it came to the family placement portion and the GAL said he wasn't in support of it, he was "done" and said that would have to be discussed in a hearing at a later date. Wow, completely dodged a bullet!

He did address me, which I knew he was going to do, but still freaked me out. I told him that Zoe's mom continues to be non compliant with her diet and treatments and her aunt has not been involved in any of her cares. I said I was concerned because she has not been well since she has been with me and her cares are a LOT! I also said she was a fun girl :) My hands were shaking for a long time after I spoke, but my worker said I did fine. She and I talked to the GAL for a little longer after the hearing and I may send him an email too. Apparently, her aunt has a job from 3:45 PM-12:45 AM and Zoe goes to school from 9-4. So, there is a huge question in my mind and my caseworkers about who is really going to be caring for Zoe and her specialized needs. Obviously, the ducks are not all in a row and I'm thankful that some how the Judge was able to see that.

Even though her mom tried to refuse to do her treatments at the day care (because it smells there), the caseworker said it was not an option. I'm glad she finally observed some of what has been seen by others during visits. Now, I need to get her to come to my house and see what it's like here (and "suggest" she observe the aunt-Zoe-mom interactions too).

So, she is with me at least until the next court hearing. My guess is that it won't happen until January, but there have been a lot of crazy things in this case, so it wouldn't be surprising if they "magically" got a hearing in the next couple of weeks. Even though her mom is convinced I am trying to steal her for my own, I'm really not...I just want her to be given the care she needs to reach her highest potential. I think the life expectancy for people with cystic fibrosis is now into the 30s and 40s, but likely only for people who are compliant with their treatment plans.

Until the next time...

Trying to Trust

Tomorrow morning, Zoe's mom goes to court. Even though the caseworker (confidentially) told me that they are not recommending Zoe go live with her aunt at this time, I still have no idea how it is going to go. Her reasoning when we spoke last weekend was because of the aunt being "undocumented". While that's all fine and dandy because I don't think Zoe should leave my home any time soon, I don't like that immigration status is the reason. The reasons should be the fact that her aunt has not been involved in her cares and her mom is still being non-compliant with her treatment, medications, and diet.

I pushed for her mom to be able to do her evening treatment and administer medications at the day care Monday through Friday at the end of her visits (which are Monday through Friday from 4-8 after she goes to school from 9-4 which totally sucks in my opinion). Zoe is completely out of control and the treatments that take 30-45 minutes take 60-90 minutes for her with Zoe screaming and crying the entire time. Thursday, her mom tried to refuse to do the treatment and I told the worker that her visit needed to ended early then, so mom threw a tantrum, but did the treatment. Friday, her mom basically threw a tantrum at the day care saying that it smelled (to be honest, it did...it is a day care for kids with special needs) and took Zoe into the bathroom for 30 minutes in the middle of her treatment. She also purposefully used the wrong nebulizer for her antibiotic which is unacceptable in my opinion. She has said she will not do treatments at the day care any more (and wants to do them at her house...I am really stressed that they are going to let her even though her noncompliance and lack of parental authority is what got her into this situation to begin with and it is not at all in Zoe's best interest for that to happen...I don't even think that her aunt should be the one to do the supervising because that sounds like a recipe for disaster with Zoe's health at stake).

So, I'm really struggling with trust, even though I'm constantly reminding myself to trust God (and the system) and telling myself to let go of what is out of my control, I'm still having a hard time. I'm also trying really hard to get rid of all my "f-bombs" before court tomorrow and find some better words if the Judge asks me what I think. My dream would be for her to stay in my care and them to change visits to a couple of times a week so we have more time together to work on things like her speech, listening skills, vocabulary, and be able to do fun things like go look at Christmas lights or see the big tree at the museum. Right now, she is gone every night until late and I barely have time to get her a snack, a bath, and a book before it's after 9:00 (or 9:45!)

Your prayers (or good thoughts) are welcome. I just want what's best for her. Cystic Fibrosis is a horrible disease and I'm afraid her life span has already been shortened due to the persistent noncompliance in her first 4 1/2 years of life. In the 12 weeks she has been with me, she has been on oral antibiotics for 6 weeks anda inhaled antibiotics for 5 weeks. She has had to increase her treatments from twice a day to three times a day for about 5 weeks too due to illness. The Pulmonologist told me that she will likely need to be hospitalized if she gets sick again, which is a possibility with cold and flu season about to come.

Hopefully I'll have time to update tomorrow (I'll for sure post something on twitter when I know something @ iloveblogs44 )

Two Weeks

Zoe's mom goes back to court two weeks from today, on December 3. She has made minimal progress in terms of dietary compliance, although Zoe has been gaining an appropriate amount of weight, so that doesn't "appear" to be an issue. She still has unstable housing, telephone access, and employment. She has been seeing her five days a week for visits and they do appear to have a good bond, although Zoe is a completely different child when her mom is present. She has been very inconsistent with her parenting and Zoe definitely pushes the limits. For example, her mom just started doing her evening treatment and medication (after a strong push from me to get her involved in that). What normally takes me 30 minutes has taken an hour or more because she can't get Zoe to cooperate. Four and a half years of not having "authority" over your child is not going to go away overnight. She has had supervised visits, but I'm not sure they have been doing "parenting" teaching, so that is hopefully in the works.

So, the plan is not to send Zoe home to her mom yet. However, they want to place her with mom's sister, Zoe's aunt. I have some concerns about this, mostly because her aunt has an infant and taking care of a child with Cystic Fibrosis is a LOT of work! I've been a pediatric nurse for over 10 years and think I would struggle if I had to juggle another child on top of all her needs. However, I guess she will do what she has to do and I will pray that she doesn't get burned out and given enough support so she isn't set up to fail. Zoe's mom can be kind of a "care blocker" because she doesn't have consistent parenting and Zoe knows that. I worry about the aunt being able to establish boundaries with her sister so Zoe's needs are met...

But, it sounds like it is going to happen, so I should try not to worry so much, try and let go of some of my "control issues" and CHOOSE to make the most of whatever time we have left. She is a really sweet girl and I will definitely miss her snuggles and silliness. But, that's part of life as a foster parent. My job is to give the children a safe, loving, and stable environment for however long I am blessed to have them in my home...and my love will remain in their hearts forever.

No Excuses

or too many to count ;)

I'm not sure why I haven't been blogging. I guess I have been finding other ways to "vent" (and have become addicted to watching Touched by an Angel reruns on GMC). I had a post in my head to write about my "One Word" and how I've been choosing to focus on the things that are in my control rather than dwell on the (many) things that are not. Maybe that post will come out of my head one of these days, but not tonight.

I have been off all week long and didn't do anything about my room that has so much clutter I can barely get to my dresser. However, I was reminded by Monica and company many times this week that God loves me ;)

Two of Zoe's visits were canceled last week and today's was canceled this week. It was kind of nice since we don't get to "hang out" as much as I'd like to since she goes to school from 9-4 with visits right after that until she gets here at nearly 8:00. Then, we have to do her treatment, give meds, have a snack, and hopefully get a bath in (I used to do them every night, but now I skip it if it's getting too late). In the morning, we are pretty busy with treatment, meds, and getting ready for the day, so don't get to play.

Since I was off all week, I work all weekend. So, I was excited for today. I brought her to the place where I used to bring the girls to feed the geese/ducks/swans. We were nearly attacked by a large group of them, so stood on benches and threw our bread at them so they wouldn't get us. It was pretty funny. I'll have to try to remember to post some pictures of that next time I blog...whenever that will be ;)

She was helping me make dinner and we were going to have an apple along with a pepperoni pizza crescent roll thing. I cut it using my pampered chef apple cutter (without her help). A couple slices were stuck in there, but I started cutting the slices that weren't stuck. She pushed one piece through and right before I was going to remind/tell her to be careful since it's sharp, another piece was more stuck and she sliced the top of her finger open. Of course! I will admit that I kind of freaked out (knowing I'd have to do an incident report whether she needed stitches or not). It was hard to tell right away if she'd need stitches or not and I panicked (yes, the Pediatric Nurse...if I wasn't worried about all the other people I had to tell about the "incident", I probably would have been fine!) I actually walked her across the street and knocked on the door of the Pediatric Pulmonologist (and mother of 3) for a second set of eyes. She told me that if it didn't stop bleeding, it would need a stitch or two, but totally understood why I didn't want to go to the ER for that! She did come over and check on us a little later which was really nice :) It did stop bleeding and it was a clean slice, so the last time I looked at it, you could barely tell (and now I feel like a freak for calling the on-call caseworker and both workers assigned to her case). But, better safe than not tell people soon enough. She was so brave and didn't even cry. She held still for the nearly 30 minutes I had to hold pressure. Too bad I didn't take a picture.

I'm still frustrated with not knowing what is happening with the case. In my opinion, her mom hasn't made any changes. However, I don't know what the goals are for her to go home. After an extra push from me, the day care has approved for mom to do a portion of her supervised visit there so she can do her evening treatment/medications. It sounds like she still has minimal/no control over Zoe and her "behavior" (it is really hard/weird to hear how "bad" she is at visits because she is not like that at all here...thank goodness!)

Last weekend, she helped me rake the leaves (and helped me cook, do laundry, make her bed...) I did let her play for a little while in them too ;)

So, we are making the most of the time we have (it was 9 weeks yesterday and the next court date is December 3). I haven't seen/heard from the teen in nearly 2 weeks (tomorrow will be 3 weeks since I saw her). The last three times she contacted me was to do something--drive her to the ACT, give her a ride home (she found someone else), bring her uniform to her at school. People have reminded me that that's what teenagers do--talk to you when they need something. It is hard, but I'm trying not to get sad about her not being around and sharing things with me. I am constantly reminding myself that one of the goals of a parent is to make it so your children can live independently and (safely) learn from their mistakes. I did help get her on a good path and just keep praying that she stays there working hard toward her goal of going to college.

That's all I have for now. No excuses to have taken so long, but things overall are good.
Until the next time...