Crazy Life

I've been super busy since my last post. My house is a disaster and I should be either cleaning or going to bed since I'm also completely exhausted. But, I wanted to "check in" so I can write about this crazy life I'm living...

I was pretty much recovered from my "bad adult decision" by the time I went back to work on Wednesday. Wednesday wasn't too crazy busy, but I was emotional because of the events that occurred my previous shift and not thinking it would be that appropriate to discuss since there will be a "root cause analysis" which completely stinks.

My parents had two seventeen-year-old girls from Japan stay with them from Tuesday until today. Since I was off on Thursday, that was "my day" to take them. So, the teen and I took them to the mall. We walked around everywhere and took them out to lunch.

Thursday night, the teen, the little one, and I all went to a meeting at my agency. It was mandatory for all foster parents to discuss the foster parent-biological parent relationship. There was day care for the little one and the teen got service hours for school to help with the kids. It was a really good meeting with a nice discussion. Basically, the protocol for new placements will be that there is phone contact between parents within 24 hours and a face-to-face meeting within 7 days. There was some "heartburn" about this, but after discussion, it does sound like something that is beneficial for all involved--both sets of parents AND the child. As much as the girls' mom drives me crazy and some of the decisions she has made (and continues to make) leave me heartbroken, she is still their mom and it is important that her kids see us working together (or at least APPEAR to be working together). There is so much more about this, but is going to have to be for another post (I inadvertently put my Social Worker friend into a position where she was basically attacked by people who didn't think it was/is important for foster parents to have some sort of relationship/communication with biological parents...sorry again!)

Friday, I went back to work and since we were kind of short staffed, I had to take one more patient than we usually take, so it was a busy day and my legs were already tired from the trip to the mall! I also found out that the teen's mom called her school, said she didn't have any money for tuition, and that was that. I finally got in touch with the new service coordinator and told it her would be really nice to know where the teen was going to school seeing as HER school starts Thursday, but all the OTHER schools in town start on Monday...she was going to try and set up a family team meeting for Tuesday to discuss school stuff and visitation since it has not yet been proven that mom can get kids to and from school. Again, something that would have been nice to discuss a MONTH ago!

Saturday, the girls left for their visit. I texted their mom to say they were on their way and reminded her about the teen's doctor appointment on Monday that SHE had to get her to. She acted like she forgot which really wasn't funny and then had to tell me about all her aches/pains/problems AND also about some fancy party she was going to attend. Sometimes her narcissism is REALLY annoying. My parents and I brought the Japanese girls to an outside mall and walked a ton. Then, my dad and I brought them to see Cowboys and Aliens which was pretty violent (for PG-13) and a little scary, but he wanted a movie with not a lot of dialogue since their English wasn't THAT great.

Sunday, I had to go BACK to work and really felt like my feet were going to fall off after two trips to malls in flip-flops and two 12-hour shifts. I had a good shift, though, which was nice :)

Today, I woke up feeling like crap because I was so anxious about the day. I had my performance evaluation and had to plead my case for them to give me an "Above Standard" rather than a "Meets Standard" which was not fun and of course I cried, because I always cry (I cried this time when they were questioning me about my peer relationships because I don't feel my peers "get" me...which is one reason this blog is anonymous...this is the "real me" and I'm not questioned for that. Then, I cried when I heard all the super nice things people wrote about me and realized that maybe I am respected more than I think I am.) I was also anxious that I wouldn't be able to attend a meeting of a committee I really enjoy because management didn't seem to be 100% supportive which is very annoying...they made it work and I'm feeling better about that.

I was super nervous that the girls' mom wouldn't get the teen to her appointment, but when I called the clinic to make sure she didn't cancel, they had just checked in...what a relief! Our Family Team Meeting was scheduled for tomorrow at noon. Then, I got a voice mail from the worker that mom is going to meet with the school at that time, so now the meeting is on Thursday at 10. Hopefully the teen will be at school (and the little one too). I believe this is the first time that worker will meet their mom (and my agency worker is on leave, so the first time her covering worker meets her too)...they are in for a treat ;) Apparently, she is really going to push her to be responsible, which is the first time anyone has really done that in 20 months, so I hope she is successful! She is going to watch their school attendance VERY closely (the teen had perfect attendance last year and it sounds like she may have had minimal attendance in the semester prior to entering care). Since their mom is going to be at a meeting at the school at noon and the school is less than a mile from my house, I wonder if she will drop the girls off early... That totally makes sense since she will be in my neighborhood, but she has proven that she doesn't always do things that "make sense" and noon is still over 12 hours away, so she has time to "communicate" with me before then.

So, it's been crazy and I still #1) have no idea where the teen is going to school #2) have no idea when we will get a court report and find out when they are going home and #3) have no idea when they are going to do the "root cause analysis" at work and question me about everything that happened "that day". So, I'm trying not to go crazy and just trust that God has things under control while praying for wisdom and peace to accept whatever comes...

One more night alone before the girls come back...I'm not sure how I will get used to this quiet again (every once in a while is very nice, but night after night will be REALLY weird!) Time for bed.

Good night.

Heartbreaking

While I was feeling a lot better today (although I traded hangover for cramps, that really IS better...), there is still a lot going on inside, and maybe I shouldn't have canceled my therapy appointment, but some of it I can talk out here too. I continue to be haunted by the images I witnessed on Sunday and the events of the day are playing over and over in my head. I still need to "write my notes", but right now things are really fresh in my mind and I just didn't make the time to write them down. I am a little nervous about what I will have to face at work tomorrow, knowing that the last time I was there, a patient I cared for died. It is heartbreaking, but thankfully there have been enough "rewards" in the past nine years that I can't imagine doing anything else.

The teen is still sick and has been sleeping for four days. After the agency worker left (she said I should probably take her to the doctor if she continues this way), I called the doctor's office and talked to a nurse. I had her review the teen's labs (since I never got to see them...remember, I was in the middle of a circus). She said that everything looked fine, but this is kind of going on for a while. However, she said the the phenergan will make her REALLY tired, so if she has been taking it around the clock, which she has, then that explains a lot. So, I told the teen to start backing off the meds a little bit so she can be awake and try to eat something, since some of the pain could be related to not eating much in days. I'm not sure how much is actually still being sick, how much is anxiety with everything going on (school starts next week and we have no clue where she will be living...), and how much is the attention she is getting from me (although her mom did actually call her twice today, which is a nice surprise). I am hoping she is better tomorrow not only for her sake (because having a sick kid, even a teenager, is a bit heartbreaking), but because I don't have time to take her to the doctor!

I got a call from their mom a little after 10:00 while I was working out. I called her when I was done. She told me the little one woke up crying and she didn't feel well, and had a low fever (even though she doesn't have a thermometer). She had on her whiny voice, reminded me how much she knows her kids, told me that the little one has so much fun with her brothers that I don't even know, and said she was going to have to take the bus to get the little one back to my house that afternoon...and she HATED to bring her out in the sun (even though it actually was a REALLY nice day). She said it would take 2-3 hours to get to my house from hers taking the bus (apparently she couldn't "con"vince one of her family members to drive them this afternoon). So, I offered to just come and get her. The plan was for her to drop her off at 2:30, but I left at 1 to get her so I could try and give her a nap.

When I picked her up, she looked 100% normal and did not appear sick in the slightest. When I got her to the car, I asked her why she cried at her mom's and she said "because I wanted you". She pretty much denied that she was sick. Heartbreaking, yes...and makes it even harder to see that reunification is best between that and the teen wanting to stay with me at my "quiet house" when she was sick. She talked non-stop the entire way home, so apparently her throat didn't hurt too much. Then, she ate a "million" pieces of pepperoni and something else, so apparently she didn't really have a loss of appetite as her mom claimed. I checked her temperature and it was perfect. She took an hour and a half nap without a fuss. She stuck to me like glue during dinner at DQ with my family (and the two teenage Japanese girls who are staying with my parents for the week starting today). I promised her I wasn't going to leave her. (She warmed up to the girls when they brought her to the park for my entire softball game.)

She did repeat the "I cried because I wanted you" phrase for the agency worker when I asked her about it, so it wasn't a one time deal. At bedtime, she cried for her brothers. Her brothers did not stay at her mom's last night, so I imagine she maybe was freaking out when she realized she was all alone with her mom?! Sad to say, but even after all the weeks of weekend overnight visits, there is still very little bond with her mom (in my opinion). Of course, it seems their mom spends very little time caring for her children independently and there always seems to be another relative around, or at least the teen, to "help". It is really, really sad...but not really enough of a reason to continue to keep them in my home rather than hers.

It's been a rough five days and I really hope things start to get better because I'm not sure I can take much more of this heartbreaking stuff :( I suppose it comes with the territory of being a pediatric nurse and a foster parent, but that doesn't mean it's easy!

It Only Got Worse

The weekend not only didn't get better, it definitely got worse. Yesterday may have been the worst day I have ever had at work in the nine years I have been a nurse. Well, maybe it is just the "worst" because it involved my patient "crashing" at change of shift meaning I didn't get home until 9:00 PM (I started work at 7:00 AM). Then, I found out today that there is going to be a type of "investigation" about how the day went and I was told to get my notes ready. That is probably all I should write about it, even though this is a basically private blog. Needless to say, the patient (a child-I'm a pediatric nurse) was "terminally" ill, but was not expected to die yesterday...but the patient did die. It was a terrible, horrible day and now I will be forced to re-live it over and over again in my nightmares and in real life as I am questioned about the events of the day. My thought is that someone was "confronted" about why this or that happened and decided to turf the "blame" to me. So, that's just awesome and makes me super excited to go back to work on Wednesday (but, I'm thankful to have had today off as well as tomorrow to recover). To be fair, the pediatric nursing director called me (and the charge nurse) this morning to get our side of the story and it did seem to be listening to me...I did admit to being hungover because...

last night when I got home from work, I decided to drink this:

That glass is all that is left from the bottle of New Zealand Chardonnay I found in my fridge. Before I went to bed, the kitchen was spinning and I staggered down the hallway to my room...where I was in bed briefly before running to the bathroom and throwing up all my "dinner". I slept for a few hours before getting up to vomit again...and the sleep/vomit cycle continued until about 4:00 PM. I still have a headache and my stomach is telling me it is hungry, but I'm a bit afraid to eat anything. (I stopped writing for a few minutes to talk to the teen who slept all day long, but just started singing, so I think she is feeling better than she admits... I did eat some Jello and some cereal and feel "ok".)

The girls' mom did call today (we missed each other yesterday since I was at work and WAY to busy to talk, especially to deal with her nonsense). She claimed that she didn't have her phone all day on Saturday which is why she never called (and didn't get my message). She told me that she did talk to the teen on Friday night and told her it was okay to skip the visit since my house is much quieter than hers. It's still an "interesting" choice in my opinion and definitely shows that the teen is comfortable here...although what is going to happen when she goes home? I talked to the agency worker to give her an update (I did talk to her briefly during a moment I decided to sit down yesterday...one of the VERY few times). She thinks I handled Friday night well with allowing their mom to feel like she was "in charge". Also, she agreed that it was good that I didn't make her feel badly for choosing to stay with me instead of her mom (I still think that if there is the super strong mother-daughter bond that they think there is, then she would have wanted to be with her mom when she was sick...or at least have the option of seeing her whenever she woke up from her naps.) She thinks the girls may be even be asking to spend more time at my house than I want ;)

Still no word from the Judge and no word from the case manager about setting up a family team meeting to discuss what visits will look like when school starts. I think tomorrow marks 10 weeks of waiting...

Well, I'd better get ready for bed since I need to be a bit more productive tomorrow!

Good night.

Friday Night Fun

I should have known better than to write posts called "Not Much to Say" and "Same Story, Different Day"in the same week! Last night, which happened to be exactly fourteen months since the girls spent their first night here, was anything but "the same" and now I have "lots" to say. I'm hoping that if I lay it all out here first, that will get rid of all the emotion that goes along with the story and I'll be able to just "stick to the facts" when I send emails to the appropriate professionals...

Yesterday morning, the teen got up early (like, 8ish) and went to take a shower. I had heard her go to the bathroom some time in the 5:00 hour, but didn't think much/anything of it. I was about to get up to get the little one ready for school anyway, so soon discovered that she was awake because she had woken up with a terrible stomachache. Her stomach pains continued throughout the day, but she insisted she was "fine" and refused to cancel our plans to go to the baseball game/fireworks as planned (she LOVES baseball!) On the way to the game, she rode with her hands covering her face, bent over, trying not to cry and said she was car sick (but that she had never been car sick before). We stopped at the bathroom, grabbed drinks and walked around for a little bit before finding our seats. She sat miserably through about an inning and a half before admitting that she really did feel like she needed to be seen by a doctor (after she threw up her Sprite).

So, we packed up our things and I drove a sick teenager and a disappointed little one to the ER. We got there about 8:00 and got right in (I chose the correct hospital...yay!) I texted their mom to let her know what was going on and called the agency's on call person. They drew labs, started fluids, and gave her IV Zofran. I got a call from their mom at 8:27 (after my text at 8:13) to get an update. She was at a family gathering (she is ALWAYS at a family gathering), but I told her the teen was "ok" and getting treated. She called at 8:52 to let me know she was finding someone to watch the other kids and would be on her way. The little one had been having trouble listening and ALWAYS has trouble talking quietly, so keeping her quietly entertained in a small room was a joy, especially since I had brought nothing with me (seeing as we were at a baseball game which should have been PLENTY of entertainment!) It was nearing her bed time, but we were going to be out late if we had been at the game, so it was hard to force her to sleep.

Their mom arrived about 9:45...with troops. Oh, yes, her ride was her 18ish AND 22ish "nieces" (I use that term lightly because everyone is her aunt/cousin/niece) and the older one's 18-month-old son. Yes, you read that right, she came to the Emergency Room with an 18-month-old at 9:45 PM to see her sick daughter. Then, she went into Super Mom mode and insisted on talking to the Doctor, at the Nurse, and wanted something done. She stood by the teen telling her not to cry, not to be anxious, and to calm down...yeah, super helpful (mind you, there are now four adults and two children in the room with the teen in the bed).

And, since their mom doesn't like it to be about anyone but her, she had to go on and on about how they were at a bonfire and so her contacts were bothering her. She had to fix it on the way in and her eyes hurt. Yes, she told us at least half a dozen times. Then, she kept patting her face and talking about her high blood pressure and told her (sick/in pain/nauseous) daughter that she was going to the doctor next week to get her blood pressure checked (again, at least half a dozen times) in between telling her daughter to calm down and not be anxious.

Yes, it was VERY hard to sit back and watch this all unfold knowing that it isn't at ALL how I would have handled things, but remembering that she is her mom and that IS how she handles things. As I have been reflecting on how things "all went down", I'm feeling like I could wish I could keep them away from "that" forever...even though I know I cannot, and not too long ago, I was as "ready as I'll be". I had been doing a lot of texting, so my phone was dying and I didn't know how long we would be there (or how long they were going to stay since it was approaching 11:00 and they had a BABY with them). Their mom convinced me to go use my car charger for a bit to get a little bit of juice. Of course in the 7 minutes I was gone, they decided to send her home and did all the discharge teaching/instructions with mom...even though she was going home with ME. Oh to have been a fly in the room when the nurse came in and saw I wasn't there...remember, their mom is Super Mom.

Of course, the little one melted down when she realized she wasn't going home with her mom. She went so far as to ask me "you're sorry that I'm not going with my mom"...all I could mutter was "sure", because, seriously, that is far from the truth (although the little one was driving me absolutely crazy and I likely wouldn't have protested if her mom asked for her to leave with them...but she didn't). I did get a "thank you" text from their mom which was nice, but didn't exactly make up for the circus I had to watch.

I was supposed to work today, but decided I had to call in sick so the teen wouldn't have to get herself AND the little one ready for a 9 AM pick up for their weekend visit. The teen did get up when the little one and I were having breakfast, but didn't seem to be getting ready very quickly. So, at about 8:45/8:50, I knocked on her door with no response. After I got the little one to the ride at 9:00, I knocked again and went in to see what was up. It was at that point that she decided to tell me that she told her mom she was skipping the visit and she "forgot" to tell me...gee, thanks. The little one looked a bit scared to be going on the visit alone, but there wasn't anything else to be done.

When I got back inside, I called their mom to find out what was up and to make sure that she and the teen really had discussed this. I asked her to call me to let me know what the plan was, etc. I am still waiting. Yes, it has been 10 hours. (Side note, I started crying in church when I realized that the little one is likely going to be there without the teen for days/nights and that does actually worry me...poor baby!) I unsuccessfully tried to not think too much about the fact that the teen chose to stay here when she was sick instead of going to her mom's. All she did today was sleep and I bought her saltines, 7-up, and Ramen noodles...things that just as easily could have been done at her mom's home instead of mine. She could have slept at her moms/aunts/cousins/grandmas wherever they were going today, but she chose to stay here. Does that speak volumes or am I reading too much into the mind of a teenager?! It actually was a little irritating that she decided to stay here because I was hoping to have the possibility of working a few hours since I likely won't have enough PTO to cover today's sick day. I realize I could have left her here (and did for a little while when I went out with my mom/sister/nephew and to church), but didn't want to be unavailable if she needed me (because, you know, I'm "motherly" like that).

To my knowledge, their mom has not called to check on her. I have no idea if the "plan" is for someone to come get the teen tomorrow (while I'm at work...I can't skip two days!) to finish out the weekend visit, or if she is not going at all. I have no idea if she will bring the little one back early, or keep her until Tuesday as she has been doing. I don't have much faith that she can care for the kids independently for an extended period of time, but thankfully she has found a new set of relatives that have not yet been "burned" by her and are willing to help. I realize those are harsh words and this is much more of a "downer" post than I was hoping to write. However, her parenting leaves much to be desired, but that still isn't grounds to terminate her rights. Their basic needs will be met...and she will love them the best way she knows how. It breaks my heart and brings tears to my eyes, but I have to face the truth, and that is that they will (eventually) go back home to her and that lifestyle. Plus, even if the court decided she was an unfit parent, one of those other relatives would come forward and the girls would leave my home anyway...

Okay, hopefully I have vented enough to form a factual email to the caseworkers.

Your prayers for all of us are welcome/appreciated :)

Not Much To Say

Still pretty much the "same old story" here. The little one and I hang out when I'm not working and she's not at school. The teen hangs out in her room until she feels like coming out and telling me random stories or wants to watch some TV (she's ACTUALLY been pretty chatty these past 2 1/2 days since they've been back this week). Right now, I'm actually sitting in the living room with her while she is watching a show on MTV that I couldn't care less about (but she thinks I do, so I smile and nod every once in a while ;) ) Here are some pictures of the little one from last night when we went to the park. I'm not a photographer, but do enjoy taking pictures...and decided to mess with them using iPh0t0 just for fun :) I wish I could post the one where she made a super funny face at the camera, but better not take any chances. Tomorrow night, we are going to a baseball game (apparently, there is some sort of family gathering that their mom called me about yesterday, but the teen called her today and said they will go to the game instead).

Good night.

Same Story, Different Day

I haven't been "blogging" much, even though my mind is still swirling with thoughts that may be "journal-able". But, mostly, it's the same story, just a different day. Every single day I am asked by at least one person if I "still have my/the girls". Every day I explain, not so well, that we are STILL waiting for a report from the Judge...and yes, it has been nearly NINE weeks. Without the report, we don't have any clue whatsoever if they will go home now, soon, or some day in the future. Next week will mark fourteen months since they spent their first night in my home. For the past four(ish) months, they have spent every weekend with their mom. In the past four(ish) weeks, I have come to believe that their mom is doing her best and her "best" is better than I thought it would be. School starts in 18 days and it would be just awesome if the teen knew where she was going to be living when that happens...I really don't think that is too much to ask, but I'm not holding my breath. I am going to miss them so, so much, but this 3 1/2 days with mom, 3 1/2 days with me is not exactly enjoyable. I seem to spend much of those days trying to get the little one back into a routine and reminding her that we have rules here about how to behave appropriately only to send her back to her mom's and start all over. Granted, her "inappropriate behavior" isn't bad in the grand scale of things, but it's especially challenging when I am often working 12+ hour shifts too...

Anyway, I shouldn't really complain about them coming back to my house for 3 1/2 days because I DO miss them so much when they are gone and I do look forward to my Tuesday evening hugs and kisses (from the little one) and random stories (from both of them). The teen and I have "movie" and/or "TV" night with popcorn at least once a week. While we could surely plan "date night" after she goes back home, it definitely won't be the same.

So, the point of this babbling is that I don't exactly have a lot to "blog" because it would basically be repeating myself over and over...yes, the girls still live with me, yes we are still waiting for the Judge, yes it is really frustrating, yes it is going to be hard to say good bye whenever they DO end up leaving, yes I thought they were going home a year ago, and six months ago, and four months ago, and two months ago...you get the idea ;)

This picture really makes me laugh. My friend was in town because her son had an appointment at the hospital. So, we met them for ice cream like we did last year. I got a picture with the three of us, then was going to get one with just the boy. The little one FREAKED out, started crying and ran away throwing a fit. She said "he's not your son" and was VERY upset that I picked him up for a picture. Later, she kept telling me that I was SO MEAN because I wanted a picture with him (without her). Jealous much?!

And, yes, in case you have been reading my blog for a long time and are wondering, that IS the same very, very sick boy I wrote about here (and multiple other times in 2008!) It is simply amazing to see him doing so well and is a wonderful reminder of why I love doing what I do. My job AND my life as a foster mom are both very challenging, but incredibly rewarding and I have trouble imagining it any other way.

Tomorrow I do not have to work and I have not scheduled any meetings or appointments. I am SO excited! I haven't heard from the girls' mom, but they haven't been coming back until Tuesday. So, I'm sleeping until I wake up and will probably do a whole lot of nothing (and a little bit of some things that I really need to do!)

Good night.

Not Always Roses

So, in my last post, I said I was as ready as I was going to be for the girls to go home. I'm having "other" feelings right now and as much as I want to remember the good things, I also think it is important to "keep it real". I have gone back and read previous posts (the ones from last July are pretty interesting considering I was preparing for them to go home...nothing like another year going by and that's still what I'm doing!) and those help me remember how I got to where I am today (even the ones I wrote before I became a foster mom have proven to be helpful more than once).

Friday morning, I got the little one all ready to go to her mom's for our Family Team Meeting. I told the teen to pack for the weekend just in case her mom just wanted them to "stay" since they were already there. The meeting was to be at 10:00. I got a call at 9:00 from the service coordinator that she was canceling the meeting because she had to go to court. I reminded her that the therapist and my agency worker were going to be there too. I was looking forward to hearing what was going to happen with therapy since I think the teen needs to talk to someone about how crappy it is to be living in limbo and she won't talk to me about that. It also is nice to have communication with their mom when I have "witnesses"...even though it had been nearly a week since I heard from her since she never texted to let me know what time she was dropping them off on Tuesday. So, I then had to tell both girls they were not going to see their mom and that is not fun.

The little one decided she didn't want to go to day care, so she and I went to the zoo for a couple of hours. It has been REALLY hot here, but it was overcast in the morning, so we just stayed until noon when it started to get warm. Since we weren't going to be there long, I asked her what animal she wanted to see first. She said "zebra", so we went and saw the zebra :) We got to see them feeding the penguins. The second picture is her looking at the sea horses. We had fun and it was great to get to spend some quality time with her for a change. While it's good that she is spending more time with her mom, that means it is less time with me and on days I work, I only see her for a short time in the morning and get home in time to give her a bath and put her to bed. So, there's the silver lining to a canceled meeting :)

The teen didn't want to come with us to the zoo, but she did agree to go to the mall with us and out to dinner (who could pass up that, right?! I know, I'm sneaky...ha!) I had some coupons for V's Secret, so let her get a bra/underwear. Then, she used her gift cards at B&B Works ($35 worth!) We went to a restaurant that she informed me she has now been to five times and that is not the only restaurant we have been to. (That made me think of this  post that mentions how some really crappy foster parents made their foster kids eat in a separate room at holidays...not my "spoiled" foster kids ;) ) We tried watching a movie after the little one was in bed, but both of us fell asleep. The agency worker came and the teen wasn't overly talkative (she never is), but at least both of us shared that we too were frustrated that it is taking the Judge so long to make a decision and acknowledged that living in limbo is really crappy.

(Um, this is a lot longer post than I thought it was going to be...good thing I have a fairly low "readership" or this may send people running...ha!)

This brings me to yesterday. I went to work at 7 and called the teen at 8:30 to make sure they were up and ready for the transportation worker to get them between 9 and 9:30. I received a call from the worker at 9:25 that they were at mom's apartment and she was not home. They tried calling her cell and knocking on the door, but she did not answer. Are you kidding me?! I talked to the teen and apologized that the only option was for them to go back to my house since I could not leave work. It was a stressful hour or so when I had no idea if/when they were going to go to their mom's. My parents were out of town, so couldn't do anything either. I ended up getting a text from their mom at 10:44 letting me know she didn't wake up until 10 and was on her way to get the girls. So, I guess "props" to her for figuring out how to get her kids quickly (a few months ago, she probably would have just canceled the visit). However, it is pretty irresponsible to not be at home when your kids are scheduled to be dropped off. It put unnecessary stress on her kids and on me wondering if something happened to her and if she was really going to come get them. I realize that there are bio parents who cancel visits all the time, but that doesn't make it "right".

Although they have been going on visits every weekend, I don't think their mom is doing much parenting. I know that it "takes a village" to raise kids, but she has taken it to the extreme (or maybe I am not 100% culturally sensitive). I don't think a day goes by that she has all the kids alone. They are at this relatives house or that ones doing this or that. All of a sudden, a million and one relatives have come out of the wood work. I wish I knew where they were 19+ months ago when the kids were placed with strangers...or where they have been in the 19+ months they HAVE been living with strangers. I guess it is great that she has them since she obviously is going to need them when the kids come home. However, things are sure to be different when school starts and they aren't going to be able to travel from one relative's house to another every single day...or maybe she can?!

With all of these relatives now coming into play, I have come to realize that even if this ended up going to termination (which it won't), the girls wouldn't be placed with me permanently anyway. So, I'd rather them go back to mom who currently seems to like me and says she will allow her girls to have a relationship with me than to some relative that I don't know. Like I told my therapist last week, I'm not trying to take her girls from her, but if she offered them to me, I would definitely take them (again, not going to happen though).

I sent an email to "everyone" last night about the visit issue and mentioned that even though she is getting them back to my house, it is with little to no notice on times and yesterday she wouldn't even commit to Monday or Tuesday, so I didn't even know what day. Then, she surprised me with an unprompted text message this evening asking if Monday or Tuesday was better for me. It was very tempting to say Monday so I would have Tuesday with them, but I stopped myself and said Tuesday was just fine. Then, we ended up texting for 20 minutes of randomness where she said things that made her sound good, but I still know better. She ended her text with "Always..." and then a :*)~ whatever the heck that is which made me gag, but at least she doesn't appear to see me as an enemy and I'd like to keep it like that! I consider myself a pretty forgiving person, but I am not sure I will ever be able to consider her a "good mom"...just being honest.

So, I'm a little jealous of all the relatives who are loving on the little one, but glad she has people to love on her since her mom doesn't really seem like that type. It sounds like the teen has gotten quality time with some positive relatives which is very good, but I'm still not sure if they have figured out how she will get to and from school. I'd like for the girls to get into a nice routine at home before school starts rather than going back and forth, but it's not really looking like that will happen. I wonder if we are going to have to go through another hearing before they are returned home permanently...that would stink, but would also mean we could stop living in limbo...

Okay, enough venting...good thing this is a basically private blog because I probably write more than I should here.

My nephew is getting so big and talking more and more. It has been fun to see him grow...and I found out on Thursday that he will be a BIG BROTHER! My sister called me when I was dropping off the little one to tell me she had a positive test at home. Apparently, her mom's group friends ask her all the time if she took a test and one of them even bought her one. I thought it was really stinky that she had to tell everyone when she was only five or six weeks along on the day she found out. I guess that's her deal, but I think it would have been more fun to tell people with my nephew showing up in a Big Brother t-shirt or something like that. Well, apparently my reaction wasn't what she had hoped it to be, so my mom "confronted" me today about not being excited for her. I am excited about being an aunt again and AM glad she told me before she told all of her friends and will just get over the fact that it isn't how I think I would handle things (or want to handle things). I understand the excitement, but also wouldn't have taken a test on a day I was having a party at my house! ;) Anyway, nephew #2 or niece #1 will be coming in March...who knows what/if any kiddos I'll have at that point ;)

Good night.

Ready As I'll Be

I actually saved this picture as a draft a couple of weeks ago with the title "Perfect Little Family". At that point, I was thinking about our "little family" as it has been for close to fourteen months. It is sometimes easy to forget that while we have lived as a family for a (very) long time, a huge chunk of their family is missing. We have dinners together, we "hang out" together, we respect each other, we have our "routines", we have things we just "do" that no one else would understand, and it's almost as if it has always been this way. It's hard to imagine life without them in it day after day, even though the consistent weekend overnight visits will surely help. We do seem to have a "perfect little family" when it is just us inside my home and when we go places together. But then, I remember that they have four brothers, and a mom, and (apparently) a HUGE extended family and realize I cannot give them that. Although they have received love and consistency and learned life lessons that will be with them forever, I have reached a point where I honestly cannot say that living here is better than living with their mom.

There, I said it...it is very hard, and very sad, but it is true. Though there are MANY things I can give them that she cannot/is not/has not been willing to give, there are even more that I cannot. 

After months of sporadic, inconsistent visits, they have spent every weekend for about the last three months (or more) with their mom. While I still doubt there is a whole lot of "parenting" taking place during their time with her, at least she's "present". The teen has been visiting her great-grandma and gone places with some cousins/second cousins/some kind of relatives (not sure how "legal" all this is since no one has been background checked to my knowledge, but whatever, at least she is with some family members who seem to be "normal" ;) ) I can't give her that...at least not the every weekend thing, even if the plan WAS to be permanent placement in my home.

We've been waiting for the Judge to make a decision for over 7 1/2 weeks now. I definitely thought it was in the girls' best interest for the Judge to review all the reports herself, expecting it to take a week or two. However, at this point, I no longer think that this "extended review" is in the best interest of anyone. It is stressful for me to not know if I'll get a call at work saying the Judge ruled that "as of this moment they are placed with their mom" and then deal with how to get home so I can say good-bye/pack all their things. The teen has had more headaches, more stomachaches, and loss of appetite. It really stinks to not be able to do ANYTHING for her besides acknowledge them and show that I care because it has to be worry and stress related to this whole living in limbo crap. I hate seeing her like this. The little one has to be confused, but all of the information she has gotten about going home to her mom has come from her mom because I haven't really addressed it. Her concept of time is not good (she isn't quite four), so yesterday/tomorrow/some day/last week/next week is pretty much all the same. I see little point in preparing for a future event that could in all reality be months from now (although I hope that is not the case). 

The service coordinator came last week (the new one who has since put in her resignation), the GAL came on Tuesday, and we have a Family Team Meeting tomorrow. We are all waiting on the Judge, so there isn't much we can do besides support each other through this waiting period.

So, as the title says, I think I'm as ready as I'll be for the girls to leave my home. At this point, I know the plan is for them to go home, so I think we should just get it over with. I thought they were going home SO many different times (August, December, early spring, May 31, and many days in between) and that just doesn't do my heart very good. It is going to be a huge loss for me when they go home, leaving two empty bedrooms and me alone in this house. Therefore, it is REALLY hard for me to say "just go home", but honestly, it has been dragged out long enough, she has had her "mommy break" and it's time to step it up and be a Mom. While the agency worker told me the longer they are with me the better (and the GAL said something similar this week), I really don't want another school year to start with them living in two places. 

I was hoping to make a lot more sense than I did, but it was time to get some of these built-up thoughts out. Tonight's foster parent training at my agency is called "Exploring Grief in the Children We Care For", and I think it is coming at the perfect time.

Well, I ought to go pick up the little one from day care. Every day that I'm home with the teen, I offer to take her to the mall or do something. She never says "yes" or "no", but it never happens. Today she has been in her room all day long listing to music, yelling out randomly, and has not eaten anything because she isn't hungry. She's actually kind of irritating me today and I don't remember the last time that happened, so maybe I really am ready for the next phase of our "relationship" :)

Another View

I was thinking about writing that I've been too busy this weekend to miss the girls, but that isn't really true! The plan is for them to come back to my house Tuesday afternoon. So, I guess if I'm going to get word about court while I'm at work, I'd be "okay" with it being tomorrow since they would have to come back to get their things (at least the teen would) anyway. I was REALLY tired when I got home from work last night, so ACTUALLY didn't miss getting the little one bathed and to bed since I went to bed at 9:30 and didn't get up until 10 this morning. I have no clue why I was so tired, but I do feel a lot better. Today, I hung out with my sister and got my hair cut and also went and had dinner with a high school friend and her family. Tomorrow I work. So, I have been busy and doing all these things IS a bit easier to do without kids, but it is still going to take some getting used to when the girls aren't here at all (at least we seem to have "progressed" to them spending about half time at their mom's, even though I still believe it would be pushing it to say she is "parenting" half the week and me the other half).

Anyway, I wanted to post something this weekend and decided I could post "another view" of the pictures from the other day. I have a M@cBook, but need to take classes to learn to take advantage of all the features. So, here was my opportunity to use iPh0t0 on some of the fun pictures the teen took (even though they are in the slide show) :)

Good night.

Water Fun

Last night, we went to a neighborhood park that also has water fountains for people to play in. The little one wouldn't go without me and the teen didn't want to get wet (but at least she came--I bribed her with a mango smoothie ;) ). The teen took some great pictures, including many "bloggable" ones, so I made a slide show. Fun times :)

Downtown Fun

There is so much going on in my head right now that I ought to get some of it out here, but think I'll (mostly) stick with some fun pictures for this post. My heart hurts so much knowing how much the teen is struggling. Yesterday when I got home from work she asked if she could just stop eating because her stomach hurts whenever she does...seriously, it makes me SO sad to know how much she is dealing with right now, knowing there isn't really much/anything I can do to help. We have been waiting for a court report for over 5 1/2 weeks now, and living in limbo is even harder for her than it is for me. I had another great conversation with my agency worker (have I mentioned how much I love her?!) She helped put things into another perspective even though she too is worried about what will happen to the teen when she goes home. 

If changing schools means the teen won't have to fight her family on a regular basis, than I need to be supportive of her choice. Even if she believes that staying at her current school is what she wants/needs/is the right thing to do, if she is going to have to defend that decision all of the time, that would not be fun. I understand that more than she knows seeing as I have been in therapy for nearly two years wrestling with the fact that I'm not fitting into the "mold" society/family would choose for my life...and I'm an adult. So, without telling her all of that (which, maybe eventually I will), I reminded her last night that I want nothing but the best for her and she admitted that she could see me as an "understanding" and "open" person. I believe the caseworker who said that the teen is worried about a lot of things including disappointing me...

Ugh, this is SO hard...and I wrote more about that than I was planning on! Also, I got an ear full from their mom this morning when she called to make sure they had gotten picked up. She talked to me for nearly 11 minutes about all sorts of things...her wealthy family members, her family members who are cops in town, their family reunion at a "mansion" this weekend, how she is fundraising to pay for the teen's tuition (yes, she told me about all the "wealth" in her family in the same convo as telling me she was going to cook and sell food in order to pay tuition). She also told me that she used to weigh 420 pounds and was bed-ridden for three years which opened my eyes to what kind of life the teen may have had during that time...it seems they are lucky they weren't put into foster care earlier if she really wasn't mobile during that time. I don't think the teen has talked about any of that and it doesn't "really" matter at this point since that wasn't why they were put into care, but it is still part of her history and could explain why she is the way she is about certain things. She also shared that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend since her kids are her top priority, but she HAS been single for "five years" (funny since the little one isn't quite four...) [To be highly judgmental for a second: I don't want to see the guy who falls for a 300+ pound 40-year-old with six kids who lives in government housing...just saying...okay, done being judgmental.] Anyway, it was a nice laugh to begin my day because she is something, that's for sure...and laughing is much better than anything else since I still have to be respectful to her as the mother of the two girls who have been the center of my world for over a year since I want them to remain a part of my life if they so choose.

Wow, that's a whole lot of typing for a post that was just going to be pictures ;) I feel a lot better now though! Anyway, on Thursday, the little one and I went Downtown to "feed the ducks", which we have done quite a few times. The teen once again opted not to join us (she actually was asleep when we got home at 8:30). We about got attacked by some of them, but I squirted one crazy one with water and threw a bag of popcorn at a group to get them to stay away from us...Downtown Drama! ;) She loves doing that and it has been a fun activity for us since the beginning.

This picture is from the Friday before the 4th when we went to watch some fireworks (well, that was our PLAN...she decided to have a meltdown right as they started, so didn't actually see any of them!) I'm not sure if she'd ever had cheese pringles, but it had been a long time since I had! Apparently, she loved them too (I did tell her she didn't HAVE to eat them in stacks like that anymore after that because the teen and I weren't going to eat them all!!) Yes, she was wearing her pjs...partially her idea and it was good she was because she had to go straight to bed when we got home!

Well, I was maybe going to make a free photo book on w@lgreens.com but didn't have any pictures uploaded and now it's my bed time. Sad :( Back to work tomorrow. Good night!

Glutton for Punishment

I'm sad/emotional about last night plus I have cramps and feel like crap. So, after taking the little one to day care, I went back to bed. I've been in bed most of the day, even though I did make some phone calls and got up to eat lunch. Before I made lunch I some how decided to listen to this song, knowing full well that I was on the verge of tears and would have cried if someone had looked at me funny...yes, I'm a glutton for punishment (but also okay with crying...just to be honest ;) )

I talked to my agency worker on the phone a little bit ago (she was returning my call from this morning). She is coming this afternoon and suggested we not mention the school thing. She thinks maybe the teen has known about this, but not wanted to say anything because she didn't want to hurt/upset me since we have talked so much about how great that school has been for her (and was for me). She also mentioned since she is going back home after being in foster care, she is already "different" and may not want to go to a different school too. She isn't one to go against her family, even for something that is in her best interest, so it should not have come as a shock that this happens.

She said I have to let "my girl" have wings and be here for her for whatever life brings, wherever she is, whenever she needs me...and then I cried some more...and listened to this song again...and cried some more ;) Being a parent is hard work!

Harder Than I Thought

No, this isn't my "the girls went home" post, although that could still come any day now (yes, still waiting on the Judge...it has been over 5 weeks).

However, the past few days have been harder than I thought. I'm super tired, have a headache, and feel sick (plus my computer needs to be plugged in and the cord is in another room). So, this will be pretty quick.

I missed the girls like crazy this weekend. They have been going every weekend for the past eight-ish weeks, but this one seemed harder than others. Maybe it was the fireworks and remembering what we did last year. I'm not sure, but all I know is that it was rough and there were a few tears.

I guess part of the problem could have been that I found my notes from September and it doesn't seem like anything has changed. I even read through some notes from last July and things aren't really that much different. Their mom hasn't actively "done" anything to get them back...and I came to the conclusion that I was much more convinced they were ready to go home weeks, even months ago, than I  am now.

Then, they got back yesterday afternoon (their mom gave me three hours notice this time...thanks for the "heads up"). The teen shared that the day before, she had gone with her older brother and cousin to a State park to go swimming and it sounded like she had a great time. The little one went to the "forest" with whoever else and it sounded like a good time too. So, then I thought "maybe" she is ready, but then again, none of that was really active "parenting", since she was surrounded by her entire family and it was a "group effort", I'm sure. The little one told me she sleeps with her mom which is better than her sleeping with the teen, but still not quite "right" to me.

Today, I tried calling my house phone for two hours and got a busy signal. So, I thought the teen left the phone off the hook since she never talks on the phone. I later found out she was talking to her friend and to her cousin (she talked to her twice, actually). I thought that was good since she needs to be more social and that it was cool she was able to chat with her cousin (she NEVER calls her mom and her mom never calls her...for the record).

When I got home, she told her about her day--apparently she had a low grade fever, a headache, and a stomachache, but was in good spirits. Her headaches and stomachaches have been more frequent the past month or so, but she won't admit to them being related to stress. Anyway, in conversation, she mentioned she may transfer schools to where her cousin goes.

It took a great deal of effort not to lose it right there. In fact, I've been holding back tears for two hours and may just end up crying myself to sleep. This breaks my heart in ways I can't even put to words right now. How many times have I heard her mom say how important it was for her daughter to graduate from that school, how much that school has done for her daughter, that her daughter didn't ever do well in public school, so this was a great fit, etc.?! How many times have I heard the teen talk about this and than and when she's a Junior and when she's a Senior and how much she embraced all the traditions the school has and LOVES being a student there?! After I texted my dad to tell him, he texted back "Best thing 2 ever happen 2 her except 4 U"...and, now I can no longer hold back the tears, so I will have to stop for now. For sure there will be calls to the caseworker and the GAL bright and early because her staying at her current school was in the recommendations from EVERYONE...unfortunately, if her mom has her convinced that she no longer wants that for herself, there is not much anyone can really do.

Good night...

More to Come

I have a lot on my mind and a post that is wanting to come out, but I'm too tired to do that tonight. It's past my bed time and I may at some point wonder why I thought posting photos of the girls with their faces blurred out was a good idea, but it is what it is. These were taken the Friday before court. The photographer used to be a foster mom and a family support worker, so she gave me a great deal. I paid the sitting fee and she gave me the disk with 71 images. So, the teen was able to put them on her computer and we can print them wherever. Their mom wanted to "borrow" the disk, but I kind of said no...I'm feeling a tiny bit guilty about that since they are her kids after all, but not guilty enough to hand it over...not yet anyway. The teen did not know that she would be getting her picture taken, but she was a trooper and I think did have fun. I let her, my family, and the caseworkers look through the photos and pick out their favorites. I think ordering prints will be on my "to do" list for Monday.

The girls were picked up this morning while I was at work. Today was to be the first "family" therapy session with the teen and her mom. She wouldn't say, but I think she was pretty anxious about it, so hopefully it was productive. They will be coming back here on Tuesday (I think!) since we thought they should all stay together for the holiday. I miss them already, so have no idea what I am going to do when they go and don't come back three days later!

Well, I'd better head to bed...more to come...hopefully sooner rather than later!

Keeping Busy

The girls and I are keeping busy as we continue to wait to see what the judge decides. Yes, it has been over 4 weeks, and yes, it is frustrating...although I do enjoy having them and will be very sad when they go home. It was bittersweet to have a "date", but at least I "knew". The unknown is almost torturous, but I guess life is one big "unknown", right?!

Anyway, their mom dropped them off early from their visit on Monday, meaning I had to fix dinner instead of her. She did give me one hour notice and told me that was plenty of time to finish what I was doing and get to the grocery store and back...no comment, bloody tongue ;) I cooked on Monday what I was thinking about making yesterday and we ended up going out to dinner last night (I know, spoiled girls/lazy foster mom ;) )

The little one has been super sweet, unlike how she was when she was returned to me last week when she was completely exhausted and went into a sleep-deprived "rage". I guess this weekend visit was MUCH shorter than that one, but another point as to why there needs to be extended visits prior to a full return home. As a parent, you need to learn that if your kid doesn't get enough sleep (due to choices made by an adult!), you must deal with the consequences. Being a 24/7 parent is hard work and I think she forgot that since it has been so long since she had to do it. Sure, I'm supportive of her becoming their full-time parent again, but hoping that happens when she is ready to actually "parent"...not holding my breath, but for sure saying some prayers :)

Tomorrow, I'm not sending the little one to day care since the caseworkers are coming in the morning, we are going swimming with my friend in the afternoon, and to a baseball game at night (yes, talk about exhausted little one and dealing with tired crabby one...hoping for a nap at some point for both of us!) So, another fun-filled day where we can take more pictures and simply enjoy each other's company.

So, I've been busy busy, but it's been good. I'm sure I'll probably end up blogging a LOT once they do go home and I'm "bored" ;)

Good night.

Happy 2nd Birthday!

2009

2010

2011

Today, my nephew turned TWO! Wow how time flies! Looking back on the previous two years' posts, I noticed I made nice little collages...that's apparently not happening this year! I dropped the girls off at their mom's this morning, then went to go "see airplanes" with my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew since my nephew LOVE airplanes. It's amazing how much more he has grown in the past year. Even the little one noticed that now he can TALK! Of course, it's mostly still just words, but he uses them appropriately :) He likes to say "clock" and "airplane" and can say "please" and "thank you". I even got him to say my name today, which isn't an easy one! He still loves to dance and runs around like little boys do...he keeps my sister busy, that's for sure!

I love you, A...and am looking forward to seeing how much you grow and learn in the next year.

Checking In

I've been wanting to blog, I really have, but it's been a busy week and I'm tired! I actually am getting to work this week, which is fabulous, but does make for some long and tiring days. Today, I even went in for "overtime" which is very exciting (but, again, a little tiring after spending days at home lounging around!)

The girls are still living here as we continue to wait for the Judge's ruling. I talked to their GAL on Friday (I love her and wish we would have had her all the time, but it is what it is and she understands things very well!) who told me I would be one of the first to know when there is a report. She thought the State would have to arrange "pick up", so it isn't likely they would just come get the girls "randomly" while I was at work. She said that I could bring the girls and their things to their mom's if that would be a better/easier transition. There is a possibility that the order won't be for them to go home "immediately" and I think having a "date" would be easier for all of us (besides their mom who wants them home now...for reasons I best not type right now in my tired state in case I regret it later).

Their mom was MUCH less manipulative in her "conversing" with me this weekend, which was much appreciated (I was MORE than happy to send the requested milk + juice and bread with the girls today). I wanted to write a post titled "Out of Sight, Out of Mind", but may just have to write a small bit here. It feels like when the girls are with their mom, they have a good time, but when they are here, it is as if they really are "out of sight, out of mind". She knows how to contact me. She knows how to reach the teen (and the little one). But, she never does. She doesn't "communicate" until it's Friday afternoon and she "wants" them for the weekend. I think that is really sad. I ask the teen almost every day if she had talked to her mom, just in case there is some kind of communication occurring about visits or anything that I need to know about. The answer is always "no". I realize that the teen COULD contact her mom just as easily as her mom contacts her, but that isn't really the point. As much as I understand that this seeming lack of care and concern for her children isn't grounds to keep them living here, it still hurts to think about them going back to that way of living. I mean, when I'm at work, I call the teen at LEAST three times to check on her and she showed me the finger she burned on her flat iron at LEAST three times. She is used to the attention, and I'm pretty sure she likes it :)

I haven't heard from "the guy" since we went out two weeks ago. Maybe he knew things weren't really going to work before I did. I got mixed reactions from the relatives and friends I have talked to about what I discovered in therapy, but everyone has been more understanding than I expected. Of course, I still think I need to have some sort of conversation with him, but I'm okay waiting until we can meet face-to-face or at least have a phone conversation.

I've had two dreams during the past week that I needed to be licensed for three kids instead of just two. I don't think I'd really take three kids, but I did email my agency worker to see what would need to happen for me to get licensed for three. I think it is based on square footage, so I believe I could take four (or maybe even more) since I have a three bedroom house. I decided on two since that sounded more reasonable (I'm glad I didn't just say one!)

Well, this was supposed to be a super quick "checking in" post, but ended up being much longer! I need to end now so I can do a couple things before going to bed. I work the next two days, so that will be a "rude awakening" for my body. I have no idea when the girls will be back, but at least I won't miss them QUITE as much if I'm busy and tired!

Good night.